Well that’s it. 1 Year of daily entries. Besides the dark month. I’m glad I showed myself I could do it, even if I took a month off and I’m finishing this entry exactly 2 weeks late, at 9:13pm on 260113. Ok.
Woke up late as could be. Like 9:30am. Sexted Roley. I didn’t nut. She controls my cum now. I’m supposed to save it all for her. Silas was going to trader Joe’s so I joined him. Started my day ridiculously late. Basically just practiced on the midi keyboard and drank. Eventually I trekked and grabbed some beers on that main street in U-district. I forgot the name.
Man, this day is a blur. Eventually I linked John and his friends at Angel’s apartment on cap hill. Angelina is always so cold to me for some reason. Hailey was lookin basic. Angel was being a high bozo. I loved seeing gavin. Angelina’s boyfriend was also dope. Man….. What a night. Sometimes when I reflect on times I spent with John’s friends I think back so negatively. I don’t even know why. I remember asking John if I should grab some more beers cuz we were out and he said no we should wait and he made us some espressos and i made a tequila espresso deucer and almost threw up towards the end of it. Don’t know how I held it together. Anyways I ended up trekking to get some fucking beer anyways cuz John always is not intuitive at all. I got some and stole some trucker weenies. Cuz I love racking. Everyone was being so slow and I forced everyone to come to silas’ with me. Which was fun, to be fair.
A saga for tn: Basically Roley was being all sweet to me and when i said “i wish i were with u” she said “Me too” “ I miss u” “I miss ur dick” “Our sec is amazing” sex* “No one compares to u” “I want u. So bad” “I miss u” “Wyd” “I wanna hurt u” “Let’s fight”. Even more. She said “I like u” “I like u a lot” “Life is fun and silly” “I wanna spend some of it w u I think” “R u happy I like u” “U lucky u” “<333” “I’m silly and stupid and all over the place” “And I like u”. At a certain point she said she wished she were kissing me at midnight and I said I didn’t want to think of her kissing someone else at midnight and she was so high she completely misread what I said and started freaking out at me. Sending and unsending messages every second. She was so weird. She said something like “u brought it up” or something. I was so drunk I was honestly concerned I did something wrong which I obviously didn’t. She kept sending and unsending infinite messages and I told her I was confused and that she loves to get mad at me and I was even being playful saying that she’s so aggressive and that I hope she makes it worth it when she ties me up. I told her to be nice and she said I’m not and that she hates me and I know why and when I didn’t respond she said “Fine I’ll do the same” “Gn”.
I rallied everyone back at Silas’ and it was a great time. Quinn was there. All the locs. I asked Hailey if she wanted to be my new years eve midnight kiss and she awkwardly said she wasn’t down for that and I felt embarrassed and walked outside and smoked a cig.
This is when it all gets fucked. Basically Roley sent me nudes featuring her ass all covered in bruises and shit. I immediately called her and cussed her out. This is basically 3am new york time and just before the ball drops in seattle. I told her i hate her and all the fried shit she’s done has been so fucked up: sending photos to me in the morning of her in other peoples’ beds, trying to get with wyatt, and sending nudes with evidence that she fucked someone else. I’d never do any of that to her. Her junked ass had the nerve to say “you’ve done so much worse”. Man. Hell fucking nah. And when I brought up the wyatt thing she interjected “I didn’t approach him!” I said “bitch you matched him!!! what do you mean you didn’t approach him? you didn’t need to match him!” I said I hate her and she said “no, you love me” and she went on this whole spiel crying and screaming about how she only wants me and she told me we should only see each other. Anyways I agreed. When the call ended everyone was gone. I went downstairs and fell asleep. It was funny. I heard everyone counting down the seconds to the new year while I was yelling at Roley on the phone. And that was my 2025.
I woke up in the morning and pretty much as soon as I woke up I saw stryp walk out of his room. He said “yeo”. And basically was down to drive me home. I somehow left my jacket on their couch lols. Not only did that mean I’d prob be cold, but also tobacco breh. Anyways I was hesitant to walk upstairs cuz I could hear stryp talking to his mom. One of his moms. One of four. And I decided he was probably waiting for me so I walked up the stairs and his mom said “oh”. And looked at me all confused. I introduced myself and said hi and all that. Stryp explained who I was and how they all knew me.
He drove me back to silas’. I walked to get a bagel from this mediterranean bagel place. The woman working the register was so beautiful. The bagel was light. I wolfed it and probably got a lot on my face. I walked through ravenna park and it was beautiful. That’s pretty much it. I walked. I came across a man with a nice plaid hat and asked if i could buy it off him. He said no.
Much later I met up with John at this fuckass brewery he likes. Every drink was like $12. I feel like that says all that you need to know about John. Ok he’s a dear friend but what was he thinking suggesting that place. I got some retarded red ale and when I asked for what john was having the server gave me the same fucking red ale. Fuck, man. All drinks were $12. If I weren’t an alcoholic I wouldn’t have gotten one. Damn.
It was dope catching up with John. We drank, ate, etc etc etc. Eventually he dipped home. Nothing wrong with that. I started walking back to Silas’ crib and was literally almost there when I caught wind that the bosscore guys were at a bar in u-district. A bar i distinctly remember walking by because there was an oldhead in there looking through the window at a ping pong game like it was the superbowl. He had a santa hat on. It was like he was watching a tv haha. Anyways I doubled back and linked jac, stryp, marty, henry, and their other homie. That was all she wrote. Not quite. I got some bev and so did everyone else and we smoked cigs and everyone went home besides henry and holden and we went to a smoke shop, then we tracked down henry’s wallet which had an airtag on it (it was still inside the bar). This weed salesman type guy was tryna push this weed brand on us and he ahd a gopro strapped to his chest. he told marty he was going to prison for a grip in a few days. strange way to spend ur last days.
Holden and Henry asked me if i ever hit the bag. I said nah. They drove to Monkey pub and I was in the backseat. They hit the bag and we walked there. I saw an Emon tag right around the corner from the bar lol. It was not that sick lmao. Well anyways we got in and after a while I was convinced to write my name down. I wanted to do gigantic but they didn’t have it so i went with ol reliable: punk rock girl. Holden and Henry went with that really famous smiths song and were mad funny. it was college’d up in there. I really wanted to spit game to all the baddies but they weren’t feeling me. I felt like a creep by the end of the night. This punk type bloke who honestly reminded me OD of cal was hyped i did punk rock girl. We all chilled outside for a while and he told me about ballard and it came up how he was in a porno. so jealous. if i were skinny i’d for sure do porn. it sounds so dope.
I tried to find nosh open on my way back but there was nothing. Oh I never mentioned how the day I moved my stuff into Silas’ crib (yesterday I think) I juuged a 12er of rainier from the safeway. I felt so gangsta.
Anyways I got back to silas’ and crashed!!! That was that!!!!!!
Roley was awake p early. I got a real early coffee and got straight to it. Sun wasn’t even up. Barely slept. I was done and out before John got home. I went to cafe vitta, where ryan and andy both work. I was expecting to see ryan, but he was nowhere to be found. Andy was doing some shit with boxes though, and I chopped it up with him for a brief moment. Didn’t even think he was gonna be there. Anyways, I was reading simulacra and simulation and really loved the section on Crash by JG Ballard. I wanna read it so bad. I want to read it with Roley cuz it’s so weird and gross. I wish I weren’t fat no bs. Anyways, anyways, speaking of fat, this hinge bin pulled up on me who totally and utterly catfished me. Akward, weird, gross, fat theatre atsrology knitting girl who i thought was just gonna be a kinda basic quirked up shawty. I was not attracted to her in the slightest. she was pretty interesting for a 1-timer and she told me about her interests like knitting and theatre and showed me her totally decked out journal. So awkward. Autism vibes. Just total theatre kid. Wrong. Theatre TECH. Much worse. She ate a bagel so I figured bunsing was off the table. Fried. I wouldn’t have been able to get it up for her anyways I don’t think. She really kinda bothered me a little. Like damn. I was let down. C’est la vie. I asked if she wanted to go anywhere after this and she said yeah whatever. She wasn’t picking up what I was putting down. we just walked through cal anderson. There was a street performer playing a song she knew. i don’t even remember what instrument. i think guitar. she said her parents liked that song, i think. She gave the performer some change and left. I walked to the book store while I waited for quinn and dave to get on cap hill. Nothing I was looking for. But I liked seeing the cats and sending photos to Roley.
Linked Quinn and Dave at this arcade like the brookline one that had a taco spot in it. got some tobacco from the smoke shop before the jan 1st price hike. The guy behind the counter, southeast asian, complained to me about democrats fucking shit up in washington for too long. he asked me about massachusetts. quinn sent me a photo of myself in the smoke shop lol. I just got a juice and single taco from the spot. Dave’s nice as hell but softyspoken. dave had sm zines and stickers for me. nice guy. they took me to these cool ass stairs after. Dave’s like an encyclopedia of seattle graff. insane. He pionted out like every damn tag and throw. Saw a really dope spiral throw. was blown away. Quinn was hyped but dave didn’t gaf lol. I got batteries for the midi controller from a convenience store and he sold me loose batteries lol. AA. We walked to cap hill and quinn freestyled while i played beats. Everntually dave dipped to go hang out with his friend and his new kid.
Went back to cafe vitta with quinn so he could talk to ryan for a sec. we smoked a cig and this oldhead who ryan hates busted into our convo. wishbaby pulled up randomly and said he was like damn near a month sober from alc. proud of bro. damn.
Eventually quinn and i dipped and he trooped nback to his stomping grounds. The plan was for me to link mr trentpotions at his spot near ravenna. Which I did. I don’t even remember how I got there but I got there.
Stryp and Jac’s house is fucking insane dawg. apparently one of their mons is an architect. they are twins with 4 moms. their moms separated and got with other women. 4 moms lol. crazy. so niche.
Basically i drank brews with stryp in the park til sammy dewey and his twin + some other dawgs pulled up and they set off fireworks and ran off like pussies. i taught stryp the spinning with your eyes closed tryna step on a can game. i was drunk as a skunk.
Basically at the end of the night I went back to jac and stryp’s place and we made some tunes. I had the bright idea to ask aaron for money if he wanted to see me and he freaked out and said fuck no and called me a whore and went off on me. all i said was “sorry my life is hard”. And he was just like “tell me if i should block you. Like what. I could picture him saying it in his fuckass voice.
I liked the tunes I made with Jac and Stryp. 3 songs. Only 1 didn’t have jac on it. I was so fucking drunk man. I was slurring. Half on purpose but not rlly. I was saying some bs on some bars but it sounded so good. still does. Just needs to be refined. Anyways I damn near fell asleep sitting up with the mic in my hand so i crashed on the couch in the basement. Prob like 1am.
Mouseman doesn’t swear. It’s funny. I had a crazy dream. Here’s what I wrote in my notes app when i woke up:
i feel like we were in mexico or something and neek and i were discussing skateboarding. particularly chris joslin. i had gotten a thrasher from barnes and noble (lol) and it was from 2020. one of the pages had a drawing of a kid with a big smile holding a hot dog (no bun, just hot dog) in his hand and it had the wxact same expression on it.
i walked through the rain and you texted me saying you could hang out tomorrow and i was really confused cuz i didn’t know what else u had going on. but i was really excited to see u so i was sad u bailed. Walked by a dunkin donuts while it was raining i think
at the end i was back in college and i walked into this class and jonathan was there with iames and kevin. for some reason james was looking up famous directors’ net worths. the class was throwing things at the teaching assistant and he was hiding in the back corner of the classroom huddled up
i went to find a bathroom and when i went inside there were a lot of people of every gender. then i found a new one and went into a stall and chugged a beer as fast as possible and woke up
I guess i directed that towards Roley. maybe i texted her part of it. she’s always “you” to me.
I sexted her when she woke up. At 10:02 AM I came for the last time in 2025. I remember being really, really hard.
I hit the AIDS thrift and found nothing. There was a funny furry tee shirt that I took a photo of to send to my friends. I sent the caption “thrift stores have all the heat”. The shirt said “furshine” and had a chubby anthropomorphic bear with a smiling cartoon sun on it’s chest and an orange baseball cap. his fur was yellow and his nipples (the right one having a ring on it), hat, and speedo (with bulge) were orange. I wonder how it got there.
I ran back Pho than Brothers ONCE AGAIN and got a small this time I think. I chilled for a little before heading out to this little get-together at Jake’s father and stepmother’s place in a part of the city I can’t pronounce. On top of everything Aaron hit me up nonstop. A real fried ass gay guy. This was when I started formulating the idea that maybe I could use his attraction to me for money.
I drank a beer on the bus before getting to Jakes’ parents’ place. I saw pipsqueek, which they live next to, which is kinda like a diy art space. Idk if DIY is the word but it’s very open to the public. Some guy was working on the door when I pulled up and sat at the table outside and payed no attention to me. Quinn pulled up basically right when I got there. Everyone (jake, their other friend, and other friend + wife and child) were all at this park up the street. We all hung out and everyone was eating food except me. Basically, like, yeah, they were all hippies. I guess jake and quinn’s childhood friend lives in alaska now and married (or is just dating??) this person who is a native and he got accepted into the tribe and all that shit. Jake’s always making music and he’s juiced on himself in a really earnest way. I never had any OG in this shit, man. I look up to him. He’s cool. For a brief moment Quinn, Jake, and I stepped out to film stuff for the 47 music video. I’m honored to film this.
So apparently the real reason for the meetup was that it was jake’s younger brother’s 18th birthday. Lol. And he’s never met me before. So funny. Emon was there on his quiet shit. n I talked to him for a lil. I feel like so many people think I’m retarted and I can see their faces lighting up when they realize I’m not. Jake played Quinn and I some unreleased Tek Lintowe and laker prod him and tek. Crazy stuff. We all played mario soccer for a while. It was really hard. Quinn and Jake are so creative. Makes me want to get out of my comnfort zone more. Jake gave us all chinese mints with no sugar. They tasted really bad. Jake’s middle brother has a phone from China. It has a built-in fan lol.
After a while we all left and drove Emon to go bowling by himself because his fam bailed. August Drove Quinn and I to pick up his bae from their crib, then we all went to the royal room for the Wayne Horvitz show. I guess everyone’s childhood friend Lowell is the child of this guy. And he’s in a band called pigpen. This other band called sweeter than the day was opening. I got a really good slice of pizza when the show opened. I guess he used to be in a band called naked city. Apparently Naked City played rock like jazzers and this new band, pigpen, plays jazz like rockers. Wayne also performed with sweeter than the day and rocked out. I spent the breesh. quinn got in for free. i spent hella money and got loaded. When we were driving over after Jake’s (I should mention how fucking twee and cozy jake’s parents’ place was. Not overcrowded, but like, there was so much suff everywhere, it was thickly decorated. A real mtrippy elephant head sticking out the front.) Quinn told me that Jake’s dad is an OG edge guy. Apparently the step mom smokes kush but jake’s dad is anti-cig and absolutely no beer. Quinn said “so I was glad U didn’t bring one”. I said “nah, I wouldnt have done that. It would have been weird.” And Quinn said something like ‘yeah, I know, Just making sure’ or something like that. Note the single quotes.
It was standing room only for me, so I shacked up next to the sound booth. This family (I think?) next to me had an extra seat and tapped me on the shoulder to ask if I wanted to sit because they couldn’t see with me standing. I took the opportunity and sat down. Towards the end of sweeter than the day’s set, I smoked a cig outside. It was nice. I was already feeling pretty sloshed. These seattle dudes aren’t fiends like me. They’re calm about it. Idk how they do it.
Pigpen fucking rocked. I should mention how this is a real sit-down jazz club. Almost everyone got food and we were the youngest people in the crowd by far. Felt cool. LIke we were on to something good. I’m excited to write my zine. After the show ended we all mobbed outside and I met hella people. One of which being ryan, who writes drela, whose place Quinn and I mobbed to for a brief moment. Quinn told me about how his friend has been going insane and conspiratorial and blowing up bro’s phone. Sad. Felt like bro had to vent for a sec. I felt bad for bro. When ur friend gets junked or goes schiz it’s sad. Ryan’s cool. A little more darkcore than a lot of fools ik. He knew mort/cletus lol. I really just had to charge my phone at Ryan’s, then i got on my way. I was at like 1% for that whole show.
Took the train back to U-district. I stopped by aladdin before catching the bus home. the good aladdin. Southern end of U-distruct. i got a vimto per Quinn’s request. It tasted so good. Not like any kinda fruit i know of but it just straight up tasted good. apparently vimto was founded in 1908. The wrap I got was banging too. The guy working there, when i asked for a side of fries, asked if i just wanted fries in the wrap. I said yes. He said “all right, no problem, just as long as you don’t light up that joint in here” referring to the rolled cigarette hanging from my lips.
I mobbed back to John’s. Sadly I would need to be up extremely early to do john’s laundry and clean up and get out. Knocked as fast as possible. Not much sleep so I had to make it happen.
I woke up at a decent time. I sexted Roley more. Actually I think she just sent me nudes. Based on my camera roll from that day. Monk was going crazy and scratched the shit out of me. I read. Simulacra and Simulation I believe. Or maybe this was the day I finished anti-oedipus. I can’t remember. Updating on 260113 by the way. actually no more capitalization whatsoever. i keep fucking up and making the whole sentence caps instead of the first letter. no need for caps anyways. this is for me.
i hit a “better” tag (for me) on the dumpster at John’s apartment last night. i think eb actually dropped me off at dick’s the night before if im not wrong. I remember that happened some night. i was def hungry. i probably hit the tag on the way back. i flicked it up the morning after. i wrote down every book i read this year and posted the list to my ig story. reading is important.
I was late to meeting up with Quinn at szechuan noodle bowl. and worse, i didn’t have cash so i had to run to an atm. we chopped it up. i love that fool. nicest bloke ever. later i would find out just how truly broke he is and it’s crazy we went out to eat. really cheap chinese tho. jake and quinn used to live underneath szechuan noodle bowl basically, in a basement apartment with no windows. like 8 people in a 2-person. apparently jake loved szechuan noodle bowl so much he had shirts made for them for free. Remind me to invite jake to the phage gang show on january 23rd.
we ate, laughed, chopped it up. left. talked about shed theory and gothbouclique. lol.
We bopped around for a while before the chito popup on cap hill. Inserted ourselves at the front of the line with all the bosscore fools. It was so good to see them. I talked to mouse for a super long time. We talked theory.. Like some real cels. I love those guys. Chito popup was AIDS. Lol just mad expensive. Idt quinn even got to say hi to the guy. They went to high school tg apparwntly. Quinn knows everyone. After, most of the bosscore guys had someplace to go, like I think Jac and Stryp were going to see a movie, so Quinn, Mouseman, and I mobbed to silas’ crib and jammed. We made tunes. A real nice song called “homer dreaming at silas’ house” which would later be called “food court”. All I remember was staying at Silas’ house for a grip, drinking a lot, and walking to roosevelt and getting home very late. Ok.
It’s important to know I am updating this on the night of 260112. I slipped. Far. I think I will finish out the last days of December 2025 and let January 2026 skip and write a monthlong entry. It’s about the overall trajectory of your life. Don’t let mistakes define you. But anwyays these last few entries might unfortunately not be very introspective or anything.
Woke up pretty late. More sexting with Roley.
Ran Pho than brothers back. I love it so much. I love Seattle Pho. I think I lazed quite a bit this day. Roley sent me photos of her burns and I sent mine back. I hit some thrift in U district and found nothing. How disappointing. Later in the evening I copped a shawarma wrap from aladdin. It was so fucking good. Quinn’s recommendation. I loved it. This was right before I trekked to the boxing day event that everyone was going to. Ultra hipsters was performing. My phone was so dead. It was far and it was raining so hard. Quinn basically just told me to go to this bridge. I went and when I asked where everyone was, it turned out I was a 45 minute walk from the actual location. LOL. This was one of my best moments in Seattle: walking from where I thought the event was to where it actually was. I was so hyped. I saw so much of Seattle. I feel like I really soaked it in on a rainy, foggy night. I took a lot of cool photos and videos.
Eventually I finally made it to the boxing day event. Whole lotta weirdos. A lot of them seemed like they used to fry. Or were currently frying. Silas let me borrow his portable charger. Kind dude. He was almost certainly frying. He had sunglasses on haha. I put a box on my head and drew Robot Jones’ face on it. This real cute British (I think?) girl called it as it was. I wanted to bag her nbs. There was some dude with her. I asked how they knew each other and she said “I’m in the same polycule as someone who he’s in the same polycule with”. No bull. Seattle’s funny. Everyone was dope. Sebastian pulled up with his friend Trent who didn’t seem that hyped on the whole thing. Real edgelord. I’m glad no one saw us leave in the tesla much later. But Sebastian brought beer which was epic. Quinn and Andy yesterday told me about this girl last year who spread her ass cheeks open while reciting a spoken word version of the box by roddy rich. She was back this year and after showing us how to stab correctly and reading her notecards disguised as a copy of some Marquis De Saade book and singing the melody of “man in the box” by alice in chains, she pissed in a cup and drank it. Ok. Not gnarly at all lol. After her performance I asked her if she’d ever seen the marquis de saade movie and she asked “which one?! 100 days of sodom… “ and listed off some more. I feel like it’s obvious I was referring to Marquis, but whatever. This guy who did a play performance about mice and pizza was super high off k and busted into our convo and I couldn’t really get a word in edgewise so I walked away. I could see the powder on his nose. It’s funny cuz people usually just dissociate off k but he was so talkative u’d think it was coke. Maybe he was calvin kleining.
There was a punk band that was bummed that no one gave a fuck about them. Some jits. The Ultra hipsters set was beast. Quinn kicked around some cans like a legend. Eventually Sebastian and I left. Trent too, to my chagrin I suppose. Idk. it randomly came up how I was seeing a girl who just got a pussy and Trent was being a little edgy. Rubbed me the wrong way a little.
We drove to some fuck ass fratty bar on cap hill. This frat bro went up to me and when I said I’m from boston, the first thing he asked me was “you know KYS?” Was not expecting his fratty ass to ask that. Bro was drunk as shit. I talked to him for a grip. He knows Akoe apparently. I talked to him for a lil. Tried to spit game at his homegirls but they weren’t having it. Basic bitches n bros in that squad. Seb played pool. Or Trent. Or both, I forget. Eventually we’d all had enough and seb dropped me off. End of story.
Maybe one day I’ll tell Roley about how the thing with Wyatt was fried. Last night she kept bothering me and I said “ok bye” or “ok gn” so many times. Especially when she said that her therapist would be mad at her. Then she said no, common (meaning c’mon), let’s be bad together. As long as I’m able to turn my phone off, or put it in a drawer, put my head down, and get done what I want to get done, it’s not bad for me. Maybe the torture she puts me through, mentally and physically is bad, but no. She’s the only one suffering. I like fucking up her life.
I woke up a couple times. Tossed and turned, got up slowly, etc. Roley texted me as soon as I fully woke up asking why I was awake. She said someone randomly sent her $250. She wasn’t sure who or whether it was a mistake or not. I hate when she tells me these things. For all I know it’s some abusive gross sugar daddy. Why would she tell me that. Whatever. I didn’t text her for a while cuz I wanted to get my day started.
A little hut had coffee and I got an iced americano with 4 shots and it was cheap, although I think it was really 2 shots. Not nearly bitter enough for its size to be 4 shots, unless it’s just really weak coffee. Got home and was gonna start updating this, and got a little into it, then just started sexting roley. I sent her one of the best nut videos ever. I came so hard that it landed on my chest. It poured out, then a few seconds in a spurt shot straight out. She liked it. She said that was the most that’s ever come out before. I’m so glad we’re back together. That’s the language I’d use. I miss you.
After that I showered and got hot and sour soup from Broadway Wok. It was really really good actually. Finished the ep of pod about list and drank a few beers and finished my coffee. Real alcoholic day. Awesome. I finished updating though. A good W.
I met Roley on July 9th. So when I see her on January 9th, I can say “it has been 6 months since we met”.
I went on a short walk to the ags station for more beer. Took some photos for Roley.
I was quite sad. Valentine’s day alone. Thanksgiving alone. Christmas alone. Ouch. I told Roley I was sad and she just said that I was sad because I was alone on christmas. True. I tried to watch the new Park Chan Wook movie and it was really good, but I kept getting distracted by Roley texting me. I never finished it.
I was so drunk and horny. I met up with this fag from Sniffies named Aaron. At his apartment. It was a really nice studio. Later he told me he was an art historian, I think. He didn’t really look like his photo. Better, for sure. Although the lighting was dark. Why do gays always do that darkplay shit. Well, he went to town on my dick. I kept telling him to keep going and that I was gonna cum, but he kept wanting to edge me. We frotted for a little and it felt good. He kept making me touch his beard. I’m not so much into that kind of thing. He sniffed my armpits and I told him to lick my nipples. He lifted my legs up and (after [i assume???] wiping away a few bootyflakes [idk what else he was doing down there]) he rimmed me. First time really being rimmed like that. It felt so good I’m not gonna lie. Fuck. Thinking about it makes me want my asshole to be clean and unaltered. I’d let Roley peg me (if…. IF my asshole were clean and not fucking bleeding). I should invest in a douche and a small lil dildo.
Aaron wanted to lie next to me after I nutted. I asked him if he was gonna cum and he said he would if it was with me. Oh ok. Whatever. He said he was moving to boston to work at Harvard or some shit. Ok. He kept complimenting me and telling me I was hot and even used the word “perfect”. Ok. I hated his tone. He kept calling me dude and made it sound so sarcastic. At a certain point he asked “what beautiful country made you?” in a really corny way and I told him I was Puerto Rican and Iranian. Idk why but I hate when people ask those kinds of things. It’s kinda cringe. Anyways after a while I told him I had to get going and I left. I just walked aimlessly while still kinda knowing where I was going. It was a strip of cap hill I hadn’t been on before. Looked cute. Just normal I guess. This homeless guy offered me a beer for some reason. He looked like he was down bad but I appreciated his offer of the beer. It was some fancy IPA. I traded him a cig for it just to be nice. I went to 7-11 and among the junkies and cops I was able to stuff 2 hot dogs into one box and got out of there. Ate the dogs real quick and walked back towards broadway. Was almost back at John’s when Quinn told me he was gonna mob at Silas’ crib and I got going in that direction after picking my shit up at John’s.
I took the train there and was let in by Quinn. Weird amorphous structures laid the porch. I was introduced to Silas and andy. We drank beers and jammed using the synths, drum machines, real drums, guitars, a fancy ass dulcimer, etc etc etc. I liked it. It was dope. I guess Silas, Andy, and Quinn are in this noise group called Ultra Hipsters. August came downstairs at a certain point. He’s dope. I played the drums and it was really nice. I like brushes. Makes me want to play the drums more. Seattle makes me want to play physical instruments more in general.
After a while trooped home, went most of the way with Quinn and Andy. I kept thinking I knew Andy from somewhere. He asked “do you now flacid?” and I said “haha, no, but I know erect!” He said “Oh I know erect. So you hang out in San Diego?” What a coincidence. Just before we went into 7-11, one last time I said “In swear I know you from somewhere”. It came up thqt he was gone at the time of the Tukwila show at Lucky Liquors and I was like “Oh, riding trains?” and concurrently it all clicked. Andy was Marceline’s ex. I was fucking on his girl while he was gone riding trains. I felt so fried. Obviously I’d never tell him but damn. I like him more than I like her hahaha. Anyways I stood at the bus stop with Andy and Quinn for a while they waited for their bus. Mine would come a few minutes after theirs. Just talked graff and shit. It’s wild Quinn has short hair now. I prefer him with it long. Anyways we parted ways and I got back to John’s on the bus.
I couldn’t help myself from getting on the apps and this really really fat afab nb person hit me up on grindr. They came over and were all nervous. I wasn’t attracted to them at all. They said they like it rough but when I slapped them they said “not much harder than that.” Bruh. They tried to tell me about some kinda red, yellow, green system for kink stuff and I was over it. Very unsexy. I was just gonna play it safe and not do anything kinky obviously. I kinda couldn’t get hard for them to be honest. I hate condoms. I can’t remember if they made me cum from sucking me off or not. I sucked their toes and they were gross. I licked their armpits and they were covered in deodorant. Everything smelled so fucking bad. Anyways we chilled for a grip and they said I should fuck their friend, who was cute, and they dipped. And I fell asleep. Ok.
Woke up groggy. What else is new. Alcoholism maxxing out. I told sebastian yesterday that I was doing dry jan and I couldn’t turn up with the bham homies, which is too bad. He said “U can just start when you get back”. I laughed at him and said he was a bad influence, and I started to agree with him, but I know it’s not a good idea. i made a list of my sober homies. I have a lot I can hit up. When I think about this day, I feel like i did nothing, but it was just front-heavy.
Forced myself to hit cafe vivace, where i got a madeleine and an iced americano with 4 shots. It was so bitter I could barely drink any while walking home, but upon arrival I dumped it into a large plastic container, like the one i’d get from hot and sour soup from a chinese restaurant, and filled it with water to the top. Perfect dilution, no longer bitter. Drank it quite slowly while finishing Anti-Oedipus. Margin notes. I loved it. Great conclusion. Reminded me of cyclonopedia, in the sense that everything was made clear and spelled out efficierntly at the end.
. When I had ~10 pages left, Hailey, the woman who took care of Monk before I arrived, and her brother Quinn (coincidence), stopped by to pick up some stuff. They were both about to leave for a flight to Missouri, where one of if not both of their parents lived. I like that: “one of if not both”. Could be a good band name. I keep thinking how nice it’d be to form a trio with jupps and maggie. Neo-Chamber Rock kinda like carissa’s wierd or kind of like spitting, but with electropop influences like the postal service, her space holiday. Kinda doing what the cowboys did for skramz/emo/chiptune/electronic but with electropop/chamber rock, and hey, how could we avoid screaming? Jupps has a great voice for it after all. We could all do vocals. I wanna ask arthur how he’d feel about me hitting up maggie. Don’t want him to think I’m being weird. Kind of stupid of me but you never know how someone might react to something.
Tangent over. Quinn broke out the keyboard synthesizer and played while I got aquainted with both Hailey and him. They left and I finished AO and I finally stepped out to hit some thrift stores and get some food. No shower unfortunately. i felt grumpy and that probably didn’t help. The cool gay thrift store was closed. Magpie sucked. Stopped by Zion’s gate and forgot they have nothing of value. It sucks now. Hit dave’s hot chicken and got a disgusting meal that made me hate myself. I need to eat a damn fruit.
At dave’s I watched the new episode of pod about list and thought i heard ezra on the first voicemail. I hit them up and they had no idea what i was talking about, then followed up later and said they figured out what I was referring to and said no. I said i totally thought it sounded like them. No response. Ok. I don’t think we’re gonna hang out at all before the tattoo and that’s ok. I don’t care.
I basically just walked back to John’s apartment I think. I think that’s all. I lied in bed for a long time and swiped on feeld and all that shit, then I went to QFC for some beer. It was confusing. I had to go through this gate to pay for the beer and this cop asked to see my ID twice by accident. Then the guy ringing me up asked to see it again. I impulsively said “again?” and he said “yes, again”. I said “no worries I’m just a little surprised.” keep in mind this was my damn passport. He said “don’t be surprised, just show it”. I said “ok, no problem, but i can’t help being surprised.” He asked me if I had a QFC card and I said no and he said I’d need to pay full price ($2 extra wow) and I said that was ok, whatever, jesus fucking christ. Had to go through another gate and show this megacop (one of many in the store) my receipt. They put a “paid” sticker on 12er. What a wild place. I went home and tried to watch brick. About 1 minute in, Roley started texting me. They were so lukewarm, one foot in, one foot out. We watched the movie together but talked about other shit the whole time. We had a lot of catching up to do. I missed them. I didn’t tell them I called Wyatt for an extended amount of time when they told me they were in contact. Fucking insane. They told me about the piss bag. It had pickle juice in it, and at aunt ginny’s they took it into the bathroom and pissed in it, then hung it up back where it was. There was a hole in it apparently so they pissed all over the bar. Hot. I told her I would like to drink her piss mixed with pickle juice and she called it yummy. I don’t like that word but she do whatever she wants. I told her to tie me up and not hold back even if I told her to stop. I told her I want to regret it.
It’s wraps on the no contact thing. We’re on. When the movie was done I tried to find a place to grab food but everything was closed. I ended up buying $10 of fucking barely any beef jerky from the gas station. Roley told me to touch myself when I got home, so I did. I came for her and sent her a video. She was happy. She said she wishes it were inside her. Shortly after she fell asleep. I meant to text her goodnight, but I woke up at 4am anyways and said that I hoped she was sleeping well.
Woke up really late. Cafe Vivace and Anti-Oedipus. Only like 20 pages though before I got too hungry and had to eat, so I went to Pho Than Brothers. Got a large when I shoulda gotten a small. Fuck my stomach up good enough for me to go home, shit n shower, then by that point, Sebastian was outside my door. The plan was to whip his mini cooper over to the goodwill bins to thrift with his homies: one named Murtie who he had the hots for after a few intimate music sessions, and the other a basic ginger who was the more pined-over of the friend group. I forget her name. It told sebastian “you know it’s a good year when we see each other twice. He said “thrice!” I was reminded that we saw each other when I first came to Seattle in June.
We enjoyed the car ride. Chopped it up. Life updates. He’s gonna be on a damn tenure track in Kentucky in just about a month. He could potentially live in Bowling Green, Kentucky for >10 years. Scary. I told him about Roley and all the fried shit she’s done and how I still love her. Sebastian told me about his sexting/findom affliction that plagued him from an early age. I didn’t know about any of that: just the drugs and the infatuation in relationships/hookups. It’s nice to be candid with him. I tell him about the fucked up shit in my life too. I found 2 pairs of shorts and a pair of glasses close enough to my prescription at goodwill. Had to leave because Murtie had work. She definitely wants Sebastian, who will soon be exiting celibacy, supposedly. Apparently SLAA is really gnarly. Kinda misogynistic too. They often don’t let you talk to women or be friends with them. They consider it relapsing. Pretty gnarly. I should go to AA but I feel a similar way. I don’t like the vibe.
Sebastian said that the last hookup he had, which at this point was a year ago, he got a footjob from this girl and lasted 2 minutes. I wish that were me. When roley gave me a footjob after I hadn’t cum for a week, I still couldn’t cum after 15 minutes of getting a footjob.
We went to Alki beach. Nice views, nice atmosphere. Not much more to be said. We went to this record store with a restaurant in it. Not too cheap, but I found a Cheshire Cat CD, which would be more expensive online, so I bit the bullet. My bag was so stuffed on the way to seattle that I might need to ship stuff home before I get on my plane.
Sebastian and I trekked to this spot called Galinda’s tavern. Actually we walked by art primo, which was next to it, and I got an art primo streaker. Just white. At Linda’s we got burgers. I got tater tots and Sebastian got fries. I got a big burger with bacon on it. I don’t regret a thing. It was really good. I was supposed to hang out with this person L (who I found on IG real quick and discovered has the name Liz [and is also a hairdresser]) so I didn’t wanna eat too much, but couldn’t help myself. I tagged phage in the bathroom and fucked up the e sadly. The server at Linda’s was this swedish german dude. I don’t know why, but sebastian had the gall to ask him (or them, sorry idk and idc) where they were from. Not excited, and maybe a little upset, they said “im from seattle” in a clear german accent. We let out a passive chuckle. He said “No, german-swedish”. I don’t think it’s that nice to ask “where are you from” off rip to someone. It comes across as xeno-something. Just a little insensitive. It reminds me of when I was with my dad sitting outside the Campton Elementary school, hogging the wifi on our laptops sitting at the lunch benches adjacent to the parking lot, nestled in the dividing patches of grass on top of the curbs. The principal, actually I don’t know if I knew he was the principal at the time or not, went up to us & without saying anything prior, jubilantly inquired “what are you guys?!” My father answered (omitting the puerto rican half for me, classically racist against his own wife and children), and the principal introduced himself. said something about a relative who was engaged or married to an iranian guy.
The server at galinda’s had a mohawk with one side of his head shaved. The shaved side was home to an expansive head tattoo. They had rectangular glasses, a skinny frame, and tight leopard-print jeans on. I was pretty horny for them, not gonna lie. Seattle is home to the only men who I could see myself ‘making love to’ instead of just using.
Went to this other thrift store called breakaways. Later I’d lie to roley and say I shoplifted the hat I bought. Spent $20 on it like a sucker. I was embarassed to steal with Sebastian, he wouldn’t be down. Anyways, shit’s hard to rack in seattle.
We went back to my place. John’s place, I mean. Sebastian had an AA party to go to but didn’t wanna be early. We chilled at John’s. i tried to digest my burger. Sebastian played the keyboard. I felt so tired. Not ideal for a date. Eventually we smoked and Sebastian left. L told me we could meet at a place donna’s by their apartment. I knew what that meant, so I didn’t feel obligated to shower and present myself as well as possible. I knew I had it in the bag. I texted Roley a little. Awkward. We’re just simply back on. I feel like my feet probably smelled. L is 33. I was not very attracted to them based on photos or conversation, but I wanted to sleep with a 33 yrold.
Donna’s is a pasta bar btw. Strange. Hani called me unable to get into my apartment so I was a little delayed in getting to the spot. I got there at like 8:10 or something. I walked in, found her, said hi, gave her a hug, and we got a drink. She was easy to talk to. Grew up in jersey, lived in nyc, went to hair school with some guy who had a show on tlc. Apparently he was a mean gay, reminded me of shan. Now they live in seattle. I feel like they’re hella up. Must have breesh. They’re so put-together. Kinda millenial. Some mannerisms reminded me of Emily, my lab manager. But they were chill. I feel like i forced this attraction.
I asked if they wanted to keep drinking somewehre else and they said we could go to their place. We walked outside the spot after closing out and I asked to give them a smooch. It was a decent kiss. Some touching. Their place was literally a 1-minute walk away. Very strategic. 1-bedroom apartment was impressive as fuck. So clean. So organized. Well-designed, I guess you’d say. They got me a beer, poured themselves some wine, and we got to it. Made out on the couch, got naked, I told them to take my pants and underwear off. We started kissing each other’s bodies. They liked it. I told them to bite me hard. They started soft, and I kept saying harder and harder until it hurt. I’m updating this 251225 and a part of my leg and the bottom-center of my ribs are still sore. They had short nails. I wish they could scratch me. I sucked their nipples, which were large and eraser-like, which I like. Not as much as Roley’s or Giselle’s, but they were ok. She was truly, truly, truly obsese. I mean she was really fat. She teased me and licked the sides of my dick and made me beg her to suck it. We went to her bed, where I pulled her stockings off, revealing her gargantuan thighs. I kissed her legs from top to bottom and licked her feet and sucked her toes. The skin was hard, I didn’t like it. I licked her armpits and she huffed mine. It was nice to find someone kinky. They were mean though, which I actually don’t like. Calling me pathetic and shit lol. I got a little soft after grabbing a condom from a box on their bedside shelf and they sucked my dick to get me hard again. I put on the condom and jerked myself on to get hard again but a little too long and I started feeling like I had to cum. What a fucking torturous existence. I usually am super hard and it takes me a long time to cum. This was the reverse. Damn zoloft. I was struggling to stay hard and was gonna cum too fast. To be fair their pussy surprisingly felt really good. I fucked them and told them they were gonna make me cum really fast and they said “don’t you dare”. Lol sorry. You have no idea how badly I wanted to say “this never happens” but that’s so cliche. At a certain point it felt too good and I was worried the condom broke. I pulled it out and it was still intact, but I was about to expllode. I asked “can I cum?” they said “what?” I said “im about to cum” and they said “yeah” and I put my dick in them as I came. The moment was not ideal. My dick wasn’t even really fully inside when I came so it felt like nothing. DAMN. I still stroked a little into the obese blob after I came and they said “your dick feels so small when it’s soft.” Trying not to laugh I said “yeah?!” I wasn’t into it but it was funny. Couldn’t help but think of the big vagina episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I ate them out and they came. We lied down for a little and talked. They went to use the bathroom. I looked at their movie collection. They had a Godard collection. Wings of desire, which I’ve been meaning to watch. Cecil B demented which looked dope. A cool Nan Goldin book. The kinda thing that I used to not be into, but fuck it. I like weird and gross and unconventionally attractive waifs and twinks because it makes my dick hard. Not because it’s good art. And that’s ok! I wish I was there in the 80s in Cambridge with them. They probably wouldn’t like me, but who knows. Makes me want to get either skinny or huge. Depression made me eat a lot these past few weeks, I think.
When they walked back in the room, I really got a full look at how ridiculously fat they were while they stood there, in only underwear, drinking some water and teling me about their dvds. This hasn’t happened in a while, but I was a little disgusted. I was simply not attracted to them. I’ll be honest. They’re so ugly to me. I told them I was on the verge of passing out, and left. Exchnaged an agreement to see each other again. I don’t think that’s happening. 2 days later (251525, as I said prior) and no texts exchanged. Fine by me.
I was somehow still hungry, so I stopped by Dicks and got a burger with fries. Onions too. This preacher ass fool wearing a helly hansen jacket (didn’t look homeless at all but how can you know) wouldn’t shut up about gratefulness and christmas. He said “look around you. Not everyone is gonna be here next year.” Ok grim….. then he almost repeated himself, but instead sermonized “look around you. Some of you won’t be alive in two weeks”. I had enough, turned around while taking my headphones off, and said “2 weeks brotha?!” He stuttered and repeated “i mean next year”. He started bothering some dude in line for a burger. I don’t know why the guy humored the request, even honored it. I got my burger and fries (onions too, on the side diy style) and trudged through the mud to the center of cal andersen park, where I ate while listening to Cheshire cat. I went home and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Pretty early, honestly.
Woke up before the sun came up to take a shit because my stomach hurt hella. Beer life.’
I did make a ramen (no broth) with an insane amount of green onions, gochugang, miso paste, chili oil, and garlic last night though, so… granted.
Kept on sleeping in. Eventually made a coffee and watched the first half of the new episode of joebox and got my ass out the door to go to work so I could drop off my keys with Hani. Did that then went down to the fish room to say what’s up to Kara. It was her birthday. She said “now I have a fully developed brain” because she’s 25 now. I said “errrm u may need a couple more years” and she joking asked “what is that, a diss?”
Forgot to say that I ran into carter on the bus. It was funny. I started reading anti-oedipus but it didn’t really take. It would have but I ran into carter, so. But it was good to see him. I love that bloke to death. We got deep on Saturday night.
I went home and Roley started texting me all kinds of shit. Went back to feeling like normal texting. She gave me updates and I gave her some.
I love tatted girls wow. I feel like the transgressive act of putting a tattoo somewhere where it shouldn’t be is so dope.
Packed and took care of the trash and dishes and all that shit. Made sure coffee was straight. Although she walked into my room licking her lips and had a weird substance on the top of her head lol. Was weird. She smelled like salad dressing. She probably got into some of Eamon’s shit. Eamon and Jojo were home. I smoked a cig with them. Went to Boston Liquors for a 6er and drank a brew while cleaning, then another while smoking.
I remarked how it’d take me like an hour and a half to get to the airport and Eamon offered to drive me mad quick. Nicest bloke. We hopped in the whip and were off. Jojo seems a lot more chipper now. I’m happy they’re doing better. He called dillon the n word with a W lol.
Went thru security and all that ish. Betrayed my tribe and got chick fil a sandwich. Was underwhelming but I just needed something yknow.
Went to the harpoon. Pretty sure I’ve been here before. Waitress with a neck tattoo and patchwork sleeve. Gonna slip her my number when I leave, which I should do soon.
Don’t know how to get to John’s. Gotta figure that out. Hope the train’s still running.
On the plane. 4 hours left.
On Kant, Capital, and the Prohibition of Incest by Nick Land:
Levi-Strauss notes a difference between proper literal incest and the metaphorical symbol of incest as the violation of a minor. Wish I knew that before reading all the incest shit in AO.
I believe D&G referenced this Nietzsche quote before. Funny how Land is a nationalist trump guy now when in 2008 he quoted Nietzsche’s anti-isolationism.
piecemeal: unsystematic. I think I used that word in a song prod bonx and tebi. “took the road less travelled but it’s not piecemeal” i think??? Need to retool that
bantustans sound like reservations
Land’s theory of “’bantustan' policy on the part of the global Kapital metropolis” is very debordian
bantustans are hyper-stratification. quite despotic in the capitalist age! would aparthied be considered modern or postmodern? i think postmodern
“capital as nothing other than an explicit aggression against the masses.”
“capital has always sought to distance itself from reality” reminds me of D&G talking about capital being a deterritorializing force
“in contrast to the fascist 'mixed economy' of slavery and extermination, colonial wage-labour exploitation, even to the point of murder through impoverishment, leaves open the possibility of a radical de-stabilization of the metropolis.” accelerationist?
“patriarchal neo-colonial capital accumulation” renamed as “inhibited synthesis” lol
This essay is helping me understand what Negarestani meant by ‘openness’. In terms of the social ecology it means the state’s political/economic openness.
“I think it is likely that the volatile mixture of hatred and desire that typifies an exploitative culture bears comparison with the psychology of rape.”
synthetic a priori knowledge is when we know something intinsically, but after empirical proof is experienced/sensed. For example, 7 + 5 = 12
Neat essay. Polemical.
Wrote a little something on the plane. Just to get ideas flowing:
biomedical engineering
the image that comes to mind is one of bacteriophages coming out of the ground. replace dirt with blood, guts, and gore a-la-the thing. cue “The Thing” by The Pixies. Across the globe phages self-exhume. do not be mistaken: this propulsion takes place as a result of brownian motion/magnetic and mechanical attraction. these phages have no will, no theory. they are all action, no theory. imagine the phage drifting in a vacuum until it collides with a host and infiltrates the germ cell. the phage uses the cell and apoptosis starts. now phages band together through the strings from both the puppeteer’s and the quiltmaker’s sewing machines. the pupetter creates avatars for these phages (spider, rabbit, octopus, human bodies). the quiltmaker shawls the phages and strings them together, reigning them to each others radii. the motion immitates magnetic polarity. the gradients of electromagnetism form a dance like whirling dervishes combined with trying to touch like poles of equal polarity (mock up an animation).
Got off the plane. Legs so sore. I had a difficult time finding the train. Unfortunately parts of the train line shut down after a certain time, changing my route. Went from taking the train straight to John’s to taking the train to the bus to another bus. Think I passed through “U District” if I’m not wrong. Well while I was waiting for the transfer from the train to the first bus, I stopped in a gas station and grabbed a rainier. Shit banged. That first sip was delightful. By the way, I’m updating this on 251225. I like writing. It’s nice. These guys on the bus were really funny. Talking nonstop.
Smoked a cigarette and transferred to the last train. walked to the gas station to get a 12er of rainiers before walking to john’s crib. It was hard to get in so I had to facetime John. He was walking around in Japan doing god knows what. Monk was meowing incessantly. I got inside and drank and went on grindr and sniffies for a while to no avail. Fell asleep at like 4am. Happy to be back in seattle. I don’t recognize it so much but it was dark and rainy.
10 Days left of writing. Ok. Well, today I woke up feelimg the worst and most hungover in my streak of waking up feeling like shit.
I forgot my mom was supposed to pick me up at 9. I woke up at like 9:30. My phone was dead. Anyways she said she was like 20 minutes away. Whaaaat. Anyways I got my shit together and got in the car. Had a pleasant breakfast at the place across the hall from bar enza in the hotel. Very chill. Very light. Coffee from flour and a stop by the record store to see if they had blank cds, then my aunt insisted on 2nd street.
When my mom dropped me off at home, I couldn’t help getting back into bed. I felt so awful. I truly wasted this day.
Went to trader joes and the liq for a 6er at what, 6:30? Then I cooked when i got home and fed the coffster. She’s been so affectionate lately. Finally updated the past 4 days on the site. Wish I read but this was important. Things are still chugging along. Announced my zine on twitter and said I’m deactivating my account. Went through every photo from 2025 and compiled the best ones, then whittled them down into an ig post. I announced I wasn’t using the ‘tellmeaphagestory’ account anymore.
So yeah I just wrote this. Feels good. 10 days left. Then zine time. I don’t wanna do a lot of sleeping while I’m in seattle. I wanna write and live life.
Movie time? A good way to end the night. Watched ‘Withnail and I’. I enjoyed it. I told Jonathan to watch it because the protagonists remind me of epitomic Deleuzeguattarians. Will Arnette’s favorite movie apparently. Very enjoyable. I was falling asleep towards the end though.
Was feeling kinda horny so I chopped it up with this fool p.j. from feeld. I wonder if it’s the same p.j. who van knows lol. Anyways he was this lil sub trans boy who was super into me. It got hot and heavy and we traded nudes. He said I could do whatever I want to him and could even fuck his ass. He lived in malden like 5 miles away so it was a little too late for him to come over. Made me so sad. I was hard as a rock. Eventually I came and sent him a video with my moans in the background and everything. I came so fucking much it was kinda crazy. I couldn’t even stand up without it all sliding down my leg due to the sheer weight.
Eventually I fell asleep at like 4am. Way too late. I look forward to fucking p.j. when I get home.
Woke up feeling like shit again. Recorded finally for my verse on the beauty and unity album. Was difficult and I couldn’t get the timing right. Woke up kinda late actually. Did laundry and shit.
Read anti-oedipus. Found my keys in the street actually. The luckiest break of all time.
I kinda just stayed in bed for a lot of the day and let myself rot until I said enough is enough and read. Anyways. Margin notes. Dude I got underdog again. There’s something wrong with me. I drank so much too. Cart, Fern, and Dillon pulled up. We discussed biome and planned and worked on beats. All working together at once. Carter and I started a poem that I want to continue. Fern made a diagram. We made some funky music, I think. I need to make a google drive folder of all biomedical-sounding tunes. If I lead by example and record hella, it’d be awesome. I wanna make a big double-cd with 2 disks and a booklet.
interjection: I wrote a message on the outside world forum just now (251221).
subject: i'll make it your problem
name: my teeth (my cavities, my plaque, the food caught in between..)
location: somewhere between the earth's core and the sun
body: Starting to decide: Are we a part of the world or just on top of it? We experienced openness, and after ruminating on it for a few months I've made up my mind for the time being. We are on top of the earth, inscribing on its surface. We even dig , exhume, etc. into the earth and interact with the inside. In that sense we bore inside and affect the inner territorialities, but we do not interact inside. The debate is so much more literal than I thought it was. The deepest we have drilled into the earth is ~7.6 miles. The earth's core starts... STARTS 1800 miles below the surface. We have reached 0.42% into the earth in that sense. The inner core, the center, is 3958 miles below the surface. That makes our achievement into the earth only 0.19% of the way there. How could we be so foolish as to think that we are a part of the earth. Maybe we can cannon-ball into the earth's flesh and bury ourselves in dirt, but the liquid lubricant that pulls the puppet strings of what goes on above the surface is, in a majority percentage, closer radially to the core than anywhere we've been. Correct me if I'm wrong. We don't know what's going on in there. Correct me if I'm wrong. The biome itself might not even be a product of the earth itself, but now we're pushing it. At least we can say that we move laterally, unless vertically driven by unknown forces. Debate encouraged, but I'll start on the next question.
We worked on beats and carter and i wrote this poem, then chris and chandler pulled up per carter’s request, and I just drank hella and wrote this poem and yeah. I love chandler. Chris not so much but it was ok. Anyways around midnight we drove to the sil. Tried to get in with some darts but the board were taken. Saw Menzey, Jack, Karim, Jaden, Kevin, and James. Was dope to say what’s up to them. Menzey was actually incomprehensible he was so drunk. He was wearing that gucci tee with the scribbles on it. Man what da hell. Face all swollen n shit. Carter said it made him sad.
Threw some darts and carter kicked our asses. Moved up from $1 to $5 and he made back his damn dollar. Pain. After the sil closed we went to the model, which was dead. Vinny was there, and Jay. We told him we were doing the show together in January and he was hyped.
Roley called me while I was out smoking with Vinnie and Carter. She said she just had an orgy with some girl and it went really badly so she wanted me to come fuck her. She thought I was in New York for some reason.
Very awkward. I told her I’d come see her soon. She took it in a negative way for some reason Idk.
It fucked me up. BUT I was consoled by the fact that she wanted me so bad. Nah this bitch has me so fucking stressed.
Anyways I puked on the way to vinnies. I asked if I could steal a beer and this girl said she thought there weren’t a lot left and Vinnie said “pleaaaase just this once” and she asked her bf or whatever if I could have one and he was so pressed it was so funny. They got into like, a tiff over it. I asked again and she gave me this fiddlehead lol. Was so funny. Carter and i just stood outside and smoked and talked about shit. We talked about relationships. About Minea, Zoe, Louisa, even Eliz. About Julie, Carrie, and Roley. He said he fucks with me because I give people grace. I said again how sad it is that Carrie can’t be alone. Weird. But I hope they have what they want. I want to be sober.
Anyways carter and I split ways and I said “see you next year” and walked home. Got home at like 4am. Fell asleep quickly, I think.
It’s kinda funny. This zine might be mopey and sad at times. I’ll just be straight up and say “hey, i know what this is. it’s a hipsta’s lament. sue me”
It’s kinda funny. People who struggle with heroine and shit probably have much harder times getting clean. Weird.
Anyways I woke up feeling like shit. Finally got myself to work at like 10:30???? I went to friends and family to say hi to amelia and akim. I went to santouka for an order of karrage. I went to 2nd street for no reason. I went to charlies and drank 2 beers while reading anti-oedipus.
Dropped my keys off on Hani’s desk. Nicest guy for taking care of coffee while I’m gone. I finished at the lab and went home to read some more. I actually vaccuumed the whole apartment and cleaned my whole room, which was good.
When I went back to work I called my sister. She said she’s ok. She’s glad I called. She’s glad to know I’m not doing as well as she perceived I was. I told her not to be an alcoholic like me and she said it’s too late for that. I asked her if she drinks every day and she said yes. Very sad. Maybe we are more pre-disposed to addiction. I don’t get it.
I called my mom and explained things to her. She feels better.
Before I knew it, it was time to go to Massimo’s movie screening. Angelina was there. It was time to lock in. Odi and I took the bus and talked the whole time. I like Odi. A dear friend.
I actually really liked the movie. “The Shop Around The Corner”. I liked the trailer and asked Massimo to play it. I’m glad he did. The ending was weird. The woman love interest asks the man love interest to see his legs to check if he’s bowlegged. He lifts his pants up, she takes a look, then delightedly kisses him and the movie ends. Wasn’t sure if that would have been weird in the 1940s but it was certainly very weird for 2025.
I told angelina that I liked her getup and she said thanks and that she likes that word and that no one uses it anymore. Angelina seems so well-adjusted and neurotypical and healthy. I’m not even that into her, I just think I should want to be.
Anyways I texted Tanya to ask what their address was and what movie they were gonna put me on to that they couldn’t remember and they never responded. I called them to see if I could pull up to the dinner and they didn’t pick up. Continuation error but I saw everyone and their mother post photos from that dinner. I don’t think Isaac did, but Hannah for sure. I just feel so ridiculous. Why would they invite me just to dub me. What’s going on??? I hate this.
So I just went home. I ran into Ez on the bus and showed them this new demo carter and I made. They said it sounded slippy. A nice compliment. I got underdog like a disgusting animal. Get this: when I got home I realized I didn’t have my keys. I freaked out. I had never lost my keys before, ever. I called Hani and asked him if I could come to his crib and grab the keys. I did. I stayed at his crib for quite a while and we watched Jake Paul get wailed on by that buy dude from england/nigeria. It’s funny. After I left, 2 minutes later, Jake Paul got knocked out. Can’t believe I missed it. And I drank 2 beers at Hani’s. Hani’s goated. He said that in a meeting today, Alice called Isaac emotionally retarded. We couldn’t stop laughing. Everyone hates that dude. Jesus christ. Anyways I ate the underdog on the way to Hani’s which was ridiculous. I walked home and I’m pretty sure I fell asleep pretty quickly. I was quite drunk.
Woke up at 7am with my phone in my hand. I was getting a call from my mom. She called me and said hi then started crying and told me that my sister isn’t doing well mentally. She said she had a sad birthday and her friends couldn’t hang out with her and
she tried to see a therapist but got sent to the hospital?!?! Anyways this is really extreme so I need to reach out. Poor timing, obviously.
Oh i forgot to say yesterday that Taji Ameen gave me his number and wants to link while I’m in boston. And Roley swiped up on my story when I posted about it and texted me for a while idk…. she said she was screaming and crying and throwing up over me. I’m glad she still wants me. It’s kinda beautiful how badly we want each other but we’re depriving ourselves. I guess. She said she wishes I weren’t leaving on Monday (???) and I asked why and she sent a winking emoji. Ok??? Makes me excited and nervous. I asked if she was gonna listen to my cassette and she said “duh”.
I showered and was bouta brush my teeth but Odi/Eamon was showering so I walked to TJs and got some blueberries, guacamole, and frozen burritos. I’m glad I did because it showed me that biking is definitely the move today. It’s really warm out, relatively speaking. So I got on my bike and got to work. Fucked off. I just can’t tomorrow.
Biked to work.
updating 251221:
It was a throwaway day at the lab. I resolved that I wanted to do the bulk of my work tomorrow. Ok. I love to push things off. It’s my default nature because it’s easy and lazy but when I get in a mode, I know I’m capable of being proactive.
I had the idea that possibly my sony boombox’s cd player was not working because I needed new batteries. The thought never crossed my mind because
I met with Jonathan at the end of the day. We discussed a lot. We didn’t talk so much about cyclonopedia, but he finished it. We talked more about deleuze & guattari and postmodernisn and poststructuralism. I gave him feedback on his piece about the bobobja mask. It was a productive conversation. I told him I was confused about the despot and he explained that society was primitive, then when stratification occured there was always a despotic head of state, like a king, and now the reigning mode of operation is capitalism. Sequentially: primitive -> despot -> capitalism. Jonathan talked about The Lord of the Flies by Golding. He mentioned it in his paper. The flies are molecular, but when a pig dies and flies are attracted to it as a nucleus, the whole pig-flies object is molar. The kids hunt pigs and when a pig dies it becomes a lord of the flies. I told him I didn’t really read too much into it when I read the book in high school. We discussed openness, which was the topic in cyclonopedia (and all post-structuralist philosophy) that I felt the least knowledgeable on. He mentioned that holes are open. He mentioned that it could be perceived as openness to outsiders; openness to demonic possession. He pointed me in the direction of the essay Kant, capital, and the prohibition of incest by Nick Land. Apparently Kant was all about a priori knowledge vs a posteriori knowledge. To my understanding, because Kant categorizes all knowledge, Land argues that it prohibits radical openness. Liberal openness/diversity is quite literally liberal. All this stuff is about how “fitting everything into a hierarchy of meaning is unnecessary. Difference and Repetition by Deleuze calls into question the value of novelty. We discussed our future performance. Putting a brick on a sewing machine. Sewing and draping us in what he’s thinking. We can break up sounds into backs and forths.
I read some Anti-Oedipus. Mostly margin notes I think.
I got intel from Willy that the Wedding Gift would be the first band to play at tonight’s show. Didn’t wanna miss. I’ll admit it’s because I know Tanya’s single. I thought they were single. Wanted to shoot my shot. I’m still jaded about how the only reason they hit me up was to ask if Jake could get on a bill with me. Anyways their set was fine. I liked the keys. The projections were ok. They covered the whole wall and some were cool but some were too rainbow. Their recorded music sounds quite awful, I’m sorry to say, but I liked their live performance. I talked to Isaac, Jeremy, Anna, and Ez and Zach outside. Tanya was really nice and told us all about their thesis on the ANS synthesizer, of which only one was made in the Soviet Union. They said the government allowed the project to create the synthesizer because it was a scientific endeavor. The machine photosensitive-ly transformed images on glass discs covered with resin into sound. Their goal is to create one of these synthesizers using the knowledge they’ve gained working at the amp shop. Christian told me to come to the new years party at their apartment. I said I was out of town. He said he’s send me the info so I could pass it along to other people anyways. They don’t want me there. They want me to bring people to make it a rager. I went back to work claiming that I had an experiment to finish, which was half true. I had to inoculate some bacterial colonies. I didn’t want t hang out at the show. I wanted to read more anti-oedipus. But I was already drunk and out of focus and Roley started texting me all crazy and it made me sad and nervous. She said she hates her camera. She said “don’t not respond” “you don’t get to”. I like how she lusts over me and can’t stand not texting me. Still I was sad. So anyways I went back to the damn show.
I hate when people fake beef with their families. I hate it so much. And I often think of the alcoholic from Crime and Punishment. Does God really love him more because he suffers to such a great extent? Why can’t things be normal.
I did not call my sister. My mom texted me to ask if I did and I said I would tomorrow.
I find it very hard to focus on writing right now. I’m so anxious. I wish I could get as focused as the time I was so lost in thought that I forgot to say hi to my dad when he got home from work (I was what, 15?) and he slapped me in the face, pushed me, and chastised me incessantly. The worst part was that it wasn’t even intentional. Yes, I hated my father at the time, but to keep the peace I wouldn’t try to piss him off. I just wanted to be left alone. Maybe I’ll include this in my zine. I don’t want a pity party or to subject the friends who read this to scenes of abuse from my adolescence, but maybe I want some grace for the things I do sometimes. I had had enough. It was such a jarring, unexpected shock. I was truly just lost in thought. I didn’t even ignore him on purpose. It was just a misunderstanding. I went up to my room and closed the door. Locked it. I even put a shelf in front of it. I had enough. He kicked my door down and knocked my shelf over. I was truly living in hell. The lack of running water drove me insane. Sometimes my aunt would say that she didn’t want me to describe these things or the living conditions in that house because it would make her cry. She always got choked up when she told me to stop.
I went back to the show and smoked a lot of cigarettes outside and Tanya introduced me to their partner. I guess they broke up with him, then he hit them up to get back together and they couldn’t refuse. The guy was weird to me. He said a big hi when I said Hi to christian and maddy and I said hi back but was sorry cuz I hadn’t met him before. I know I say this about everyone’s boyfriend but he’s a real faggot. I just want to be as cruel as possible. Just because I can say that word doesn’t mean I should. Anyways Tanya invited Isaac and I to this dinner they’re having tomorrow. That was nice. Ok. I said I had this movie screening but I’d pull up after.
I walked to the liq to get a 6er. a 6er was the same exact cost as one beer at the venue. well, one cent less. A 6er of short pbrs was $6.99. A single short pbr at warehouse 11 was $7. So funny. Would you rather have 1 of something or 6 of something, same price?
I got so fucking tanked. Marcello was there. Talked to Maeve for the first time. She’s mad cool. Her and Marcello are kinda hooking up, I guess.
I was so drunk. Tanya told me Jarsch was having afters although they weren’t pulling up. I asked Jarsch if I was straight to pull up and they gave me a weird, hurried, uninterested yes. I feel like something’s fishy. Like people are really not rocking with me but acting like they are to keep the peace.
After the show was over, I went back to the same liq to get another 6er just as they were closing. I biked home swerving and barely able to get by with the 6er in my hand. The plastic bag I had it in tore and the 6er hit the ground across the st from the old theatre with the muska tag on its marquee. It was raining. I skidded to stop and slipped out, eating shit. Didn’t even realize my glasses flew off until after I collected the remaining 4 undamaged beers. Found my glasses alright. The whole scene looked ridculous. Beers, glasses, headphones, sideways bike with the front wheel still turning.
I somehow made it home. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Or did I drink another beer? Haha. I disgust myself. I feel shame at myself every day.
I’m sorry to myself.
Woke up a few times in the night and just like, readjusted and shit. I didn’t have much blanket. I liked holding her all night. Feels nice to hold. Anyways I woke up fr and checked my watch and it said 7:06(am). Shot right up and put my clothes on, etc. Checked my phone and it said 6:11am. Obviously my watch is just 1hr ahead cuz of daylight savings time ending (starting?). I woke her up by getting ready and I gave her a kiss and I went home.
Made a coffee and watched the new episode of pod about list. I think I have like 3 new matches who are all fine since changing my hinge location to seattle. Also one person liked me who was chopped and I declined. But damn, like, I’m not chopped! I’m not shadowbanned! Boston just sucks!
Got a $5 meal deal from dunks. Just fuckin cuz. I was pretty hungry not gonna lie, but that’s a lot of food. I kinda wanna eat wings today but not really. A lot of cheap food. Didn’t even bike so, eh. Also I don’t wanna drink until after I read 50 pages of anti-oedipus.
I read Myles Underwood’s quartersnacks interview. Kinda heavy. Pretty insightful. He had a fucking aneurysm and also a weird lump in his liver. Reminds me of me. Oh well. Makes me want to get sober and achieve my dreams.
Took the bus and got to work at 10am. The left ear of my headphone randomly started working again. Cool but I already bought the new pair of headphones. Maybe I can pawn them off to someone. I’m sure a phager could use em.
Chopped it up with kara for a while. She said she looked up phage gang the other day hahaha. I told her pop quiz is where it’s at. She listened to all of outside world and said she liked it a lot. That was very sweet. she said “No joke your album is *fire emoji*” and “I’m hella impressed how clean everything sounds”. She sounded so excited. How nice.
I don’t know what to do. I wanna hit lulu’s but also don’t. Maybe I’ll go outisde for a moment and think about it harder.
I went outside and it was quite warm so I decided to take the bus to Lulu’s. I read anti-oedipus on the way and while I waited for my wings. Read Ed fisher’s reviews. I honestly ate really fast for some reason. Drank two beers. Walked to orchard and smoked a cig really quickly with Maydoney. I love that dude. I took the bus back to work and read more anti-Oedipus. Margin notes. I said fuck it and walked to perry park and drank a beer while reading. These dogs kept coming up to me. I got up to page 240. Better than nothing I guess. I left the lab at 5 and went home expecting to read more but I just drank and read. I recorded on 5 beats exquisite corpse style. Well I did 4, then biked to carter’s apartment and smoked a couple cigarettes with him and drank a beer. I got mcdonalds then came home and recorded one more tune. This album is gonna be epic.
Fell asleep around 1 or something probably. Kinda woke up in the middle of the night and jerked off.
Woke up at 5, snoozed til 6. Fell asleep so early out of fear. Getting up wasn’t that difficult. Butthole hurt though. Tried to turn laptop on again and it didn’t really work. Cooked. FFFucked.
Got my shit together, drank coffee, ate a couple blueberries, coughed up a lung, sneezed out so much snot in the shower. There was blood in it and it was so far back in my nose it didn’t even feel like it was filling my nostrils at all.
Took the bus to work, made my lab meeting slide, and borrowed Sara’s laptop for the meeting. Did not go how I planned. Just kinda got interrupted a lot. I fucked up one part related to the IRES plasmid. Whatever.
Took my laptop to IT. Set up an appointment for 1pm. The IT guys are so funny. I wonder if all IT people watch The IT Crowd. Went back to work and set up some larvae for rotifers inoculation.
Went to cava. Awesome. $13. When will I stop. I can’t live like this. Went to my appointment and they told me it’s bricked. Got a loaner. I hate my life. Just writing now. Ok. Maybe I needed this to tighten up.
Now I really feel static. Like doing nothing. I wonder if Bella will be mad when i tell her I have a lot to do tonight. Seeing her on the bus was kinda awkward. Idk maybe I’ll just talk her ear off. It’s low stakes. I don’t wanna be a dick.
I went home at 4pm. Ish’s zine came in the mail which was awesome. I’m not huge on my melody but I like that the toy is a phone. Cute. The stencils are so awesome. Gives me a better idea of how I want my zines to be.
I honestly didn’t do much. No reading. I was so schlump. Sucks to admit but I can’t read at home. It’s so hard. It was a blur. I drank and finished the soup I made and watched pod about list. Was kinda on my phone for a while. Posted the 2 comes after 1 snippet on IG. It did really well even before sydney collaborated on the post with me.
I already got a little hammered before I stepped out to meet Bella, who was waiting below my doorstep. I can’t remember if I kissed her or not. But anyways we walked to the sil. She brought up pool and I was like “aghhhh im so ass” and she was like “we dont need to play if u don’t want to” and I was like “nah, we should play if u want” but when we got there we ended up not playing haha. It was league night anyways. So many sharks. Tim was bartending. We got some high lifes and started throwing darts. Played the dollar game. We actually did super fucking well. Hit it 2-in-a-row a couple times. I LIKE THE DOLLAR GAME. It’s funny how I was gonna tell her I didn’t wanna hang out anymore and that I had a lot of work to get done because we ended up having such a good time. That dude Vinny’s friends with who I met once pulled up and I said what’s up to him. I said “I came here with a shawty but idk where she went” and he said “Ohhh she’s outside with the red coat” lol cuz she didn’t know there was a smoking area. I went out and brought her back in and when we made out after smoking. I asked her to blow the smoke from the cig into my mouth. We came in and Vinny’s homie was using our darts/board so we just grabbed a booth. Tim was all like “u guys checkin out?” when we went up for some more beers. He sees this happen all the time, haha. I bring a shawty and leave with her after one drink. It’s just true, it’s just true.
We talked and she sat next to me and put her legs on mine and she asked “how would you feel about going to one of our places after this?” I said I was down. She said “We can do this” and put the top parts of her middle and index fingers on top of each other to simulate a humping motion. I said I was down although I started talking 50mg zoloft and my dick stopped working. She was very understanding. I said we can still have fun.
Anyways after our 3 beers each (also, it should be noted, she drank like, faster than me, which was crazy), we dipped out and walked home. I put my arm around her and we walked holding each other. Thick coats but it was nice.
We got to her place and yeah, we did the deed. We just kissed a lot. I asked her to hit me and she didn’t know what I meant. She was like “what do you mean,like, suck your dick?” And I was like, “no lol, like physically hit me” and she wasn’t really that down. She didn’t wanna hurt me haha. But eventually she did of her own volition and said it was fun. She didn’t do it hard enough but she kissed my neck and bit me. I felt pretty good about everything. I fingered her and I think she liked it. I mean she said she liked it and she squirmed like a worm so yeah, she obviously liked it. I tried to fuck her but it didn’t take. I kinda offhandedly said “i shoulda never taken those damn pills.” After a while we were just lying down and she was jerking me off and she asked “can I suck it?” and she did. She is really good at sucking dick, truth be told. She made me cum pretty fast and it felt really good. I hadn’t cum in a long time. Probably since the night Giselle came over and sucked my dick a little, but not to completion, or maybe a couple (?) days after that? Anyways it had definitely been between 7-10 days since I last nutted (I think?). There was a lot for sure. She grabbed a towel and wiped the cum off my dick like a good girl. I came in her mouth a little and I apologized but she said it tasted great. She said “never apologize”. I don’t get it though because she took my dick out and just jerked me as I came instead of sucking while I came or letting me cum in her mouth. Weird. Whatever. After that we kinda just curled up and fell asleep. She said she was really happy she made me cum. I was really happy too, not gonna lie. She asked “was that the first time u’ve cum since the medication” and I was like “umm no, but like, it’s definitely infrequent. I don’t know what it is about getting my dick sucked vs fucking that makes it a lot easier for me to cum, maybe the condom fucks it up?” Anyways we fell asleep. Lights on.
Woke up around 8am. I wish I had recorded last night but I felt so awful mentally.
Throat feeling weird, can’t stop sneezing. Not really in pain just uncomfortable. Still feeling quite shitty. Not like, fully sick though which is weird. I wish I were still going on that date with that hinge person tonight, “art”. I wanna talk about and have weird sex. Oh well. Maybe in the future. They’re just openly a freak so I thought it’d be easier y’know?
I kinda lazed about and drank my coffee eventually etc etc. Got to work at like 10:15am. Not ideal but whatever. Day 16/20 of working every day in a row. I regret reading so little of anti-oedipus yesterday, but I was nervous.
Every time I think about Roley getting her package my stomach drops and my muscles tighten and I want to cry. Will she even say anything? What if she hates it? What if she’s creeped out? What did she unsend the other day? What if she hates me now? What if she needs me? What if she loves me too? What if she wishes we were still together? I should have known there would have been more goodbyes & longer ones too. In my ideal scenario, she’d call me saying that she loved the package and that she misses me and wants to see me and that ….
interjection:
Stole some chorizo, prosciutto, and salsichon from whole foods, as well as raspberries and a fancy vanilla coffee that was quite good. I wrote a lot between 2 and 7pm, but I don’t think it ever backed up to iCloud. I wrote about anti-oedipus, about roley receiving my package, and about the general sense of extreme pain and torture I felt. I thought I’d feel better but I just feel worse. Well, I called Ben (who was with jack) and quinn to discuss show shit. I am just happy to be here. Then I forced myself to read anti-oedipus up to page 200. Woo. I will try to read more consistently. I wanna finish it before going to Seattle, to be honest. And I want to read some ccru collected writings too. Maybe on the plane? Idk. Then I can write a lot. 1000 Never-Ending And Unbearably Long Goodbyes, Phageliac: A Quizzicalist Grammoire (or cuneiform as language art), and Biome (text accompanying album).
So anyways I felt like shit and wanted to treat myself. For some reason I really thought i might be sober tonight. Yeah right. Thinking that way only makes me want to drink more hahahah. But I walked to the bus and ordered some underdog for pickup and bought some beers at blanchards and checked out with the cool russian prison tattoo woman and put the beers in my bag and went to underdog and picked up my order and walked home. Felt my leg get cold while walking home but thought nothing of it. Turns out a beer opened and flooded my bad. Got home and took out my laptop: bricked. How could i be so stupid? No laptop case. No backup. No SSD. Well, I ran to the store and bought some rice and soaked my laptop in rice and it turned on. THEN, I started watching joebox on it while eating and drinking, then it stopped working. Ok. I finished eating and instead of recording, which I was hyped to do, I went to sleep.
I felt like I wrote such good shit and had so many good ideas in this note that didn’t update. I hate my life.
Woke up really late. Fucked off for so long then made myself a coffee and alex borrowed my rolling shit to make a couple cigs for himself and his girl. There was an absolutely horrible smell coming from the bathroom lmao. Anyways, I finally took the bus to work and got there around 12pm.
Fed the fish and all that shit and started reading anti-oedipus. I was so cold and hungry and felt so shitty that I couldn’t focus on reading and stopped at page 175. I wanna finish the damn book but what can ya do. Anyways, I listened to all of dear god I hate myself. I love that album. I need it on cd.
Dillon sent some new ohm song on one of his beats and said ‘we back’ or something. weird. anyways…
After giving up on reading i checked the tracking for roley’s package and it says it’s arriving tomorrow. That’s scary. So i texted her the tracking link to let her know and i said “this is supposed to be delivered tm and not gonna lie it would be pretty devastating if it got stolen from your stoop so i wanted to lyk”. She said “I’m p sure usps can get in because they have a key but lmk. I’m gonna be out a lot of tomorrow”. Great. perfect timing. i just said “oh ok that’s good, i hope it works out”. Still wonder what she unsent yesterday. interacting with her or seeing what she’s up to makes my stomach drop. I felt so shitty after this interaction for some reason. I write this in my notes:
i think i should be scarified. some kind of mechanism where hooks explode my body open. im mainly thinking of a mechanism where i’m suspended by my wrists and my legs are also pulled apart a little. i want my chest to be pulled open in all directions. i want to be scarified. burst open like a saw trap in one movement. maybe that would distract me. wow i cannot believe this has happened twice in one year, not that the time frame really means anything. i love living nick’s life. maybe before the single movement body opening i can be whipped, scractched, punched, bitten, cut, and burned
I wrote it while waiting for the bus home. I just had to go home. I stopped by tjs and got some random ish. Made more ramen when I got home. Didn’t realize alex and is girl were home. The living room lights were off. They were sleeping. That’s real depression. They seem kinda distraught, the poor kids. Eamon sent me a confusing text about it. Idk it was so weird I couldn’t tell what he was saying. Anyways, I cooked and ate and watched pod about list and finally wrote this and caught up on the past few days. I’m really gonna record tonight.
I will say, I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind gong to work every day. I feel like I’m hyperaware of myself. This is hard. This is weird. Maybe I should go back on zoloft??? No, no. Day 15/20 of going to work every day. Ok.
it feels like everyone disappeared. I feel so alone. Sad weekend. Even when I’m with other people I don’t feel like myself. I’m so mad and just want to cry.
Roley posted a photo on her story of bones drinking some water and home movies was on in the background. I want to kill myself.
thank you zoloft for making my dick not work. you didn’t affect my anxiety at all but you gifted me depression <3
i used to be able to get a lot done in a night
I remember “the record of the present in the past becomes the record of the past in the present”
climbing walls
are you with me?
raining cats, no dogs allowed
Smoked a cigarette with Alex and his girl. i KEEP FORGETTING HER NAME.
Xiu Xiu’s lyrics read as great poetry.
In Mike Leigh’s Naked, Johnny says “Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.” I wonder if that’s true. Probably true for my life in the sense that these things go up and down for me. I liked “Naked” I can’t lie. Johnny really is quite insufferable. That kinda strange character ‘Sophie’ was really sexy. The landlord was really confusing. I didn’t really understand it. I want to read more about it. Dialogue was extremely clever. Coffee curled up with me a lot while I watched it, which was fun. Definitely falls into the 90s malaise category of movies, which were big in both england and the states at the time. I liked the deleuzean reterritorialization/de-stratification aspects. Seems like Johnny’s a transgressor who wants to separate himself from the usual flows. Understandable how he’s unappealing. Criterion essay: We may sympathize—even empathize—with Johnny, but we don’t fall in love with him. He’s the guy we know we’re better off without. Fuck my fucking life. Reminds me of Roley. Not to just make the analysis personal but damn. Well yeah, when Sophie lunges herself at him crying and begging him not to leave, it felt like I was her and Roley was Johnny. This criterion article also states that Johnny didn’t exactly rape the woman at the beginning- that it was “rough sex gone wrong” which I hadn’t really thought of. We didn’t see what let up to this. Did he seduce her? Did he get too rough with her and upset her after the initiation of sex was consensual? She said something like ‘I’ll tell my Bernard of you!’ when she stormed off and it made me think that he definitely just raped her. If Bernard is her boyfriend/husband, I could 100% imagine her telling him abruptly what happened, but if she was cheating on him then it might be a little complicated. Maybe Bernard isn’t her boyfriend/husband. I’m not knowledgeable enough on whatever british dialect is being spoken to understand if “my Bernard” means that for sure or not. I guess we’re not supposed to know if Johnny really 100% raped her off rip or it started consensual. Johnny “disguises his need for power as honesty.” Eh, maybe, idk. I mean he certainly has an air about him where he appears extremely content with how much better than everyone else he is and how separate he is from the flows of the debordian spectacle. In the end he gets beaten and debilitated by living in this way. Maybe him being ‘on the run’ is moreso him constantly being ‘on the run’ from being a member of society. But at the end his run turns into a limp. I was almost completely sure that the woman from the beginning was going to be Jeremy’s wife or something, and Jeremy was tracking down Johnny to exact revenge on him. Lol this criterion article is so psychoanalytical. I am glad I am starting to move away from psychoanalytic literature analysis. I definitely have it ingrained in me. I guess jeremy serves as a foil to Johnny, to “show what he is not” according to the criterion essay. That I would agree with. Apparently there’s a movie called ‘Nil By Mouth’ by Gary Oldman from 1997 that is kinda similar. I wanna watch it. This idea of a kinda fucked up guy and a quirky girl trying to make it work in a malaise-ridden post-thatcher society is also present in ‘Some Voices’. I liked Naked’s score very much. I sent it to Dillon to sample.
Still thinking about the movie. Went to sleep around 1am.
Woke up extremely fucking hungover. Felt so shitty. I made my way to the lab very late. But first I biked to best buy to get new headphones because the left ear of mine stopped working. Just my luck. They did not have the headphones at best buy although they were listed as in stock online.
Biked to the lab. Whatever. Bought the headphones online. Coming Thursday. Got to the lab so so so late. I listened to muppet face by xiu xiu and a whole lot of other xiu xiu. Feeding the fish was chill. I felt like I was still drunk though.
I tried to print out the photo of me crying to give to roley but the printer wasn’t working. I wasn’t about to ask anyone for help so… anyways i assembled the whole package: dispo photos, letter, keychain, cassette. I put a poem on the back of the casseette that shares a name with the casette. I should have taken a photo. Oh well. I also wrote that I still want to go on a long car drive with her. A road trip. Somewhere far and warm.
I biked to the post office and mailed the package. Woe. Had an interaction with an eldery man who was putting a plastic bag over the seat of his bike at the racks that I wrote a poem about:
well, i woke up really late and kinda just fucked around all day. I barely had anything to do at work. I stayed at home until the lab meeting was over, then showered, so I got to work super late.
I biked around for a few reasons: 1, went to planet records and asked if they knew about any cd player repair places. 2, I went to michaels and racked some elastic that I will eventually use for roley’s bracelet.
I got back to work and not gonna lie, I did not have the willpower to read or write. Throwaway day, sorry. Willy told me he dubbed he cd though.
I got home at like 4pm and ate a microwave burrito, which was a mistake because I was supposed to cook dinner with isaac shortly. Willy texted me that the cd has been dubbed. A couple days ago I exchanged the kinda weird chanty john frusciante song with height down ft river phoenix. Same length and it happened to work out well that at a point in the song where the vocals got more fried it faded out.
I picked up the tape from Willy and met isaac in coolidge corner. Lowkey I think I liked Willie’s ex on hinge but I’m not sure that’s them. Might be fried if true, sorry bawse.
Isaac and I went to maruichi and got enoki mushrooms, bean sprouts, gochujang, chili oil, soy sauce, pork, etc etc etc.
We walked across the street to 2nd st to say hi to tripp, and noticed that hannah was working at the general store. Walked in to say hi. Also said hi to tripp at 2nd street. It was chill. Isaac didn’t bike but kept trying to school me. Shit was so gay. He might as well have sucked my dick & it wouldn’t have been as gay as trying to tell me what to do with my bike. And he doesn’t even bike if it’s below 40 degrees! So cringe. He told me to take my brake off and I said no, I don’t care, and he said I’ll get so much faster. At this point I almost called him a retard to his face because I don’t even use the brake. He said he didn’t believe me and he said when he had a brake on he used it 1/10 of the time which is insane. The only time I used it in the past like 3 months was when I was riding no hands and the wind caught my aerospoke and gave me some wobbles and I instinctively grabbed the brake when I lunged my hands at the handlebars.
Anyways we got on the 66 and started on our way home. Isaac got on in the front like the retard he is (sorry, the bike shit just really bothers me. fag) and guess who was standing right there when I got on the bus. Fucking Bella. Goddamn. And guess what, today was the first time she texted me in like 11 days and she said “Hey sexyyy, you free for sil tonite??” to which I said “sorry sweet bella but i am not
Isaac got some kinda nonalcoholic wine and broke it when we got to my apartment. Fell out of the bag and onto the steps to my little backyward area. Also he always has snot dripping down his nose. Cooking with him is gross lol.
But anyways, we made some good ramen. Hung out for a little too, and also talked to odi, then Isaac left and I got ready for seaport. I decided not to bike.’
I listened to my mix for roley on the way to seaport. I drank 2 gansetts on the 66 & red line & walking from south station to seaport. I was honestly really really sad. I started to think “well, this is weird. After this I don’t really think I’ll have a project related to them anymore.” Anyways, I found this fuckass dart bar and got hammered and threw darts and I was really good.
Kara’s cousin was autistic as shit but pretty dope. Julia’s fiancee was meh. The other julia, this new phd student, was really nice. Kara’s friend and her bf were so lame. I chopped it up with hani more than anyone. He was so high.
I had a faux pas when I mistook julia’s fiancee as being named connor, who was actually kara’s friend’s boyfriend. Whoops!
Eventually it was our time to leave. Hani and I split an uber to brookline where, believe it or not, I linked up with Eliz Nelson. Yerp. That was strange. Hani said he had a friend to hang out with. I talked to Hani for a while. He asked me “so what kind of stuff have you been into lately” and I told him. That was nice. Kinda strange but it reminds me of Roley, who actually expressed interest in the things i was into. I should ask people that more “what kinds of stuff have you been into lately?” it’s a good question. I always ask people “what kinda stuff do you like?” when i first meet them, but it’s good to check in and be a good listener. It’s nice when people yap. He said I’m the most hobby-like person in scrb, or rather that i spend the most time on or have the most hobbies in scrb, idk. anyways, i said “it seems like a lot of people go home and just do nothing, and i try not to judge, but i don’t think people live the way they should.” He agreed. Anyways we got to eliz’ place and he walked to his homie’s place.
I waited for eliz for quite a while. I was hammered. They finally came down and we smoked and chopped it up and decided to go to the cambridge clubhouse. The only time I went there I went with Carrie and my mom for breakfast. We got some bev and chopped it up. They told me about their most recent fling. They’re really a freak now apparently. They talked about looking at this guy’s sperm under a microscope which is really cool. I should have taken interesting samples from Roley and looked at them under a microscope. Ugh. Anyways I talked about how down bad I was over Roley and how it’lll be hard to find someone as weird and sexy and gross. Then I mentioned all the burns and shit and they agreed with cooper and tripp that it was too far. Oh well. I want to be scarified.
We left at 2, walked back in the direction of their place, and they got back at 2:30 & had like, a 6am flight I think. I walked home and got there at 3. Fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Harto show day. I kinda fucked off at work. I biked for the first time in a long time. I called EXP while I walked to davis and he said he was down to take over my instagram in 2026. That was nice of him. That’s good. He could barely hear me because it was so windy.
I went to comicazi to try to find a fatcap figurine so I could make Roley a keychain but they didn’t have any. There was, however, an uglydoll keychain: neon green bat. $20 but I had to buy it. I asked the guys there what they thought about me making a keychain out of it and they told me to run the figurine under hot water and pop the head off, then I could screw a little screw with a hook into the head and secure it well with some superglue. It was screwed in though, so it should be fine. I went to the hardwear store, it was an ace but it also has a different name for some reason. “Tags” I think. I got a keychain with a fuckin metal hook on the end. I just needed to use pliers to break off the keychain and make it shorter.
Eli sent the song he made on the vague002 & silver beat. That was a nice lil boost in the day.
Therapy appointment. Weirdly positive. I just talked about how it’s good to focus on the things i enjoy and know i need to do to feel normal and it makes me excited for things. excited for myself. im just really sad about roley. everything feels so quiet. pain. I don’t know how I felt so good on this day and feel so much worse now. Maybe just depressed because ill.
When I got home I assembled the figurine. Much easier than I thought it’d be. I did so much for this girl. Not that much honestly, but whatever. I decided to name her tape “The Things I Do for You (not that many”. I also did some laundry because carter, dillon, and amelia were coming over before the harto show to hang out and shit.
Eventually those fools came over and we hung out for a second, drank, etc, and went to the harto show. Got into line with Miguel and Fi and all those fools. Joaquin from select was there. the other select guys pulled up later I think. Alex, Ivan, and Helen were there. That was awesome. Also that girl intelligent_orca and her friend katya. We had to wait in the cold for so long. Giane’s set was great and 914NY’s drawings were dope, but the audio cut out for like 15 minutes during giane’s set and then again for 5 min during harto’s set. Sam was nowhere to be found besides a brief pop-in while shit was being set-up. Such a corny guy.
Harto did dreams turned nightmares, no covers, and 111 which was sick. Some unreleased too if I’m not wrong. There were 2 guys standing in front of me and I could see him perfectly nestled between their two heads and above their overlapping shoulders.
After the show I chopped it up with everyone and kinda decided not to go out. I said I was inspired to record but I lied. I mean carter and I hung back at mine while he caught an uber and I don’t even know what I did after. Maybe today is the day I watched a movie. Ugh I don’t know. I wish I did. I’m under the weather. Been writing a lot of notes though. I should compile them soon.
Updating 251214. Whoops.
Well, I went to work, then I went to whole foods and stole some tomato soup with a lot of oyster crackers + an unsweetened yerba mate. Was not feeling well at all.
Damn I don’t remember what I did on this day at all. Fuck my life. I think when I got home I watched May (2002) which I really liked because the protagonist is weird and gross and into pain and torture and she was really sexy and so were the other characters. Then, I started watching the doom generation. I’m pretty sure I went to sleep early.
This is what sucks about spending so much time in-between updates. fuck. I’ve been talking out loud a lot recently. I am in a vast amount of pain.
Woke up around 7, I believe. Slept in until 8:45. Depressed. Angry. Can’t stop thinking about both Roley and Ezra. The knife went in a while ago, and this is the twisting and pulling out.
Drank my coffee, showered, ate 2 bananas. Took the bus to work.
I feel insane. I keep laughing out loud in a very uncouth way. My whole body feels fragile. I’m starting to develop a tickle. Got to work at like 11am. I completely forgot that I was supposed to do injections today and did not set up fish last night.
I must read to page 150 of Anti-Oedipus today. I must record and lay out Roley’s mix today. I must, that’s all.
A little after 12 I went to el jefe’s. Idk why. I was really, really hungry. I want to starve myself. I just know I’d feel worse and wouldn’t be able to do the things I want if I’m too hungry. I want to feel full and gross. Listened to Contain. Barrett said that he hopes his audience is doing ok and reminded us to have faith. Actually very beautiful. This is kinda insane but I think soon I want to actually pay for a session with Barrett to discuss PhageStory and quizzicalism, among other projects that I’m working on.
starting to feel a tickle… surely related to the frigid temperatures this week. how many different kinds of ginger/turmeric/generic health shots do u think i should rack from whole foods to combat this?
Walked to Friends + Family. I just really wanted to be somewhere different. I wanted to walk. Wanted to say hi to my friends. Amelia was there and told me she went to Florida for her mom’s birthday. No Akim though, but she saw 3 alligators and one was only 3 years old. Maia was there. She’s cool. Hey man, I’m in a vast amount of pain. Sorry for the details being vague. I looked around a little because I want to buy a new jacket. If I can stay sober for one week I’ll buy myself a new jacket.
Walked back to work, drank a coffee, and wrote. I’m suffering.
Woke up like exactly at 7. Was v lazy. Got dunks cuz I wanted to treat myself for some reason. I was so tired. Kinda dumb because I wanted soup shortly after, but whatever.
Got to work at 10. Didn’t bike because it was like 20 degrees. Went to Santouka after chopping it up with Kara for a while and I had an offer for free karrage, so I got that + a small bowl of ramen, but I really didn’t need the ramen. I didn’t realize how big an order of karrage was. I thought it was a small amount, like how the combo is. Anyways it was really good. The new episode of contain about rammellzee and anti-consumerist extreme savings movement from the late 2000s is really dope.
Jonathan sent me that the New Centre (where he’s doing this trial of nick land class) is hosting Reza Negarestani at MIT at 6pm today. Definitely going. Can hopefully still record Roley’s mix tonight, but I doubt I’ll have the time or energy for Anti-Oedipus. I didn’t read at all yesterday or the day before. I still wanna finish the book asap!
Just wrote. Feel like I’m losing my fucking mind. I really feel weird. Like I can’t shut up. I need to chill out and read, but I can’t. Also stressed because I’m texting Ezra one last time later. I need to chill. Maybe I’ll feel better after I send out Roley’s letter. I hope so at least.
It’s literally “feels like 9 degrees” out right now but I feel like I really need to drink a beer in the park. Fuck it.
This is related to exhumation. Could be relevant/something missed in Cyclonopedia.
I walked to walgreens and stole a ‘sketchbook’. Kinda funny cuz I almost went through the wrong door while leaving and this employee said “wrong door” twice. When I thanked her and walked through the correct door she asked if I paid for the sketchbook. Hit the wine and cheese cask and got a modelo tall boy. Sometimes even writing about drinking while I’m sober is triggering. I drank it in Perry Park listening to contain. so cold.
I went back to work. Read up on some of the topics of the talk. Dillon almost came, although that would have been really boring for him.
According to Krtistian, the paper I’m a co-author on is a shoe-in, and it was just resubmitted today. Awesome.
Took the red line to kendall and got a beer and drank it real quick outside. Got to the talk and some grad students showed me where it was. It was a little confusing.
I took notes on the talk. It was hard to follow. Negarestani comes across as a bit of a wet blanket in real life haha. Everyone at the talk was either a professor at MIT or a grad student, as far as I could tell. Really funny. Classic Boston. Impossible to have interests if you’re not thrust into the world of academia.
The lecture was hard to follow. A student told me that he was unprepared because all he did was read a 15-page pdf negarestani put out on the topic. That being Tektonics. He talked about Bogdanov and organization and models a lot. I really liked the roundtable talk after. It gave a lot of clarification, honestly.
I texted Ezra and said I missed talking to them and asked if they still wanted to hang out in 2 weeks. They said verbatim:
“hey!!! some things have changed a bit in my life, i started seeing somebody hence the change up, i apologize i should have said something!! i still would love to see you if you were down to hang ofc!!!”
I said that’s dope and that I’m happy for them. I’m glad they’re not bummed on me but wow, I’m so fucking sad that I fucked shit up with Roley so fucking hard and it was worthless because now Ezra doesn’t give a fuck about me. I feel mad and retarded. I’m down. Ezra asked if I was excited for my trip and I said yes, that I miss seattle and they obviously didn’t respond.
After the lecture I borrowed a cigarette from Ardalan Sadeghikivi and smoked it with Reza briefly. He lives in Deerfield CT apparently. Took a 4hr Amtrak into the city. He let me take a film photo of him. Went home. Listened to Rainer Maria on the 64 bus. Walked to trader joes and bought a steak + guacamole.
Drank, cooked, ate, did the dishes, hivemind video. This was only a 1-coffee day, so I was very tired. I slept like a baby. Coffe terrorized me and I loved it. Heat blasted me all night.
Woke up late and got that damn $5 meal deal. THE SAME GUY FROM YESTERDAY, THE WHITE GUY WITH THE FRUITY RAINBOW BRAIDS, WAS AT MY DUNKIN. So weird lmao. Is he going to like, every dunkin in the city or something? Lol.
Got to the lab around noon and fed quickly. It went by fast. I went upstairs and wrote Roley her letter back. 6 pages, and I write smaller than she does. I went in. I rubbed the paper on the apple tattoo after I scratched it a lot. Blood and puss came out. I hope she enjoys it. I wonder if she misses me. I hate this so fucking much, fuck my life. Was crying at my fucking desk writing for like 3 hours.
I biked to lumentation to pick up the photos. They made me sad. I biked home and cleaned. My mom and aunt swung by quickly. I guess my dad made some food or something. The timing worked out but I was irked cuz I had a lot of other food to finish.
Cleaned and laundered my sheets, etc. Got cat food and cat litter from petco. Odi cleaned the tub so I really gotta go in on the living room and rest of the bathroom soon.
Giselle came over at like 8:30. We talked for a little but got into making out pretty quick. I got some high noons for us and she had like, 2 sips of hers hahahah. Now I have all these damn high noons. She took her clothes off and so did I and I kissed her all over. I like her nipples. She smells good. I was not hard at all, unfortunately. She told me she has a praise kink. She spit in my mouth and it tasted good. I told her to slap me and she did. She liked it, I think. I think my dick is still broken from the zoloft. She asked if I wanted to see her (new) pussy and I did. I’m the only person who’s seen it. She said it feels pretty similar to before but just inside her body. She said in a week and a half I can fuck her. I said I want to eat her out for hours. Eventually I got kinda hard and she sucked my dick. She sucked it for a while and said she liked it. She’s good at sucking dick. I definitely would have cum if she weren’t tired. She said she liked my fucktoy tattoo. Haha. Her legs were really hairy. I liked it. She has such nice legs. She used very little tongue even though I told her how much I like that. Whatever. We smoked a cigarette and hung out a little longer, until like 10:30pm. She told me to watch Alien, Aliens, and Logans Run. She’s pretty nerdy. She said Futurama’s her favorite show. She left in her uber and asked if I wanted to hang out again next week. I did obviously. I wanna fuck her.
I ate the Khoresh my dad left with my mom and drank 2 high noons. Coffee, having been exiled to the living room, didn’t want to hang out in my room, which made me sad. I jerked off and came really, really hard. I fell asleep shortly after. I was freezing all night and kept waking up really scared for some reason. Very weird. Like, not sleep paralysis but sleep paranoia.
I woke up to Cooper grabbing his stuff. I fell back asleep and actually woke up at 11am. Tripp texted me an hour before that saying to wake him up, which I did.
I knocked on his door and he told me to come in and I said bye and he let me out. I was hungover as a bitch. Felt some post-drunked night anxiety, truth be told, but I think I was straight. Stopped by dunkin up the street to get that damn $5 meal deal. Was about to shit my damn pants. Saw this dude who really appeared quite white, but he had rainbow braids, and a all-designer fit with a louis scarf tying it all together. Walked home and biked once my coffee was depleted.
Got home and lied down for like an hour. Curled up with Coffee. I missed her last night even though she puked on the rug. I finally biked to work and I was wearing too many layers. I was sweating immensely. I definitely smelled horrible. Fed the fish and dipped out.
I got home and Roley’s letter was on my stairs. I cried uncontrollably reading it. So cruel. Why do things need to be this way? The wound is still raw, but it’s inside several other open wounds that I keep scratching at. When the scab forms I wait until the perfect moment to peel it off again. I like when the scab comes off in as much of a single piece as possible. Bite marks, burns, and my peeling tattoo (just one. i didn’t know i’m allergic to red ink and it won’t heal. it’s just a picking game i keep on my leg now). But the razor cut on my leg is my favorite. So clean. I peel the scab and it comes off as a string. So within all these wounds inside of wounds that are always healing and re-scarifying is the wound at the center.
I wrote her letter back tomorrow (251207). I cried and cleaned my room and showered and waited for fern and carter to come over.
We recorded on a trentpotions beat and made a beat. The beat is great. I want it to be the soundtrack to “1000 Never-Ending & Unbearably Long Goodbyes” and will be called ‘Pain & Torture Soundtrack’. It loops really nicely.
We talked about subliminal jihad, michael aquino, the iran contra affair, jaydes, dav4d, satanism, xxxtentacion and ski mask living in the porno mansion, etc. We drank a little. Fern almost spilled his beer on Roley’s letters, which would have been very, very, very, very bad. I liked the rhythm of typing out “very, “ 4 times. Like a drum loop.
Fern went home to eat dinner. He’d link back up later. Cart and I planned the phage tests drop. Carter had some of my tortilla española and liked it. He said he wanted to go to a bar and I said I was down. We had a little time before teddy’s show.
Walked by orchard and the hardcore book release event was going on. Dougie was there, so was Robby. Dougie’s real, he didn’t pretend to remember me haha. I told him my name and he said “you look so different” which was funny. Robbie was funny. He had a really cool jacket on. He has fresh gear on when he’s not in character. He said he almost got arrested in burlington at the ice detention facility there earlier in the day. I told him I was recently introduced to Kalima and that she’s dope. He was just like “yeah im super glad to have them in my life”. It was cool lol. Said what’s up to Maydoney, Chino, Hazen, Lockland, Molly, Conor, and Ted. Ted was filming. He told me to come hang out at his place soon. I feel bad I always dub him. Maybe when I’m sober we’ll hang out a lot more. I’m a pile.
Odi was there randomly cuz Rania was there. She was there with this girl Angelina who was sooooooooo beautiful. I liked talking to her. She asked carter and I if we’re artists. She said she likes bassvictim.
When we walked out to walk to Teddy’s show, Carter said “I knew as soon as she talked to us that you’d think she was cute”.
We got some beers and went to the show, which was at the church on brighton ave that that homeless guy sucked my dick at, then I tried to get into so I could fuck Roley, but then we ended up fucking in the alleyway. I was shocked. When I told carter I said “I didn’t know he was homeless until after!”
There was a band on before Teddy’s. I told Teddy how said I was that he’s moving. He’s having a party at his place on Saturday though, so it’ll be a dope ass event. Fern pulled back up. He said his dinner was good. Bonx and Kai showed up. Awesome crowd. Unfortunately everyone dipped after the colonel starr set, but it was a great set. E used a bow on the bass, it was awesome. Rio was very passionate. They have a drummer now. I saw Qad and she was super nice to me. I love that bitch! I’m glad she’s nice to me lmao I just think it means Ellie’s not bummed on me. Lol.
So yeah, we all dipped out. Cart Fern and I were gonna hit the sil but Fern forgot his wallet at home so we just all went home haha. Went to vivi bubble tea with fern for some chicken. Real good chicken.
I told Fern Giselle might come over so I stopped by the liq for a 6er of PBRs. She wasn’t coming over but I just wanted a night cap.
Got some chicken and Fern drove me home. Ate it while watching pod about list (I think?) and hit the hay. Pretty early night, but I was up drinking until 4am the night before.
Had no alarm set. Woke up at 8. Gnarly shits. Cracked open a cold one and read like 10 pages of anti-oedipus. I drank 2 more beers for some reason. Kept shitting it was horrible.
Was supposed to go to petco before work but said fuck it.
Eventually made it to the lab at like 12:15pm. Convinced fern to link up and smoke a cigarette with me. He drove because he was on his way to work. He talked to Lauren apparently about the future of their relationship and she seemed very apologetic (which is good, but also can be a somewhat red flag when someone’s super super apologetic. It’s almost like avoidant I guess, like you just want to apologize profusely and move on) but he still might move out which is crazy. Fern said Nashville was dope and peaceful. We discussed art and all this shit. He thinks my whole idea of leaving social media isn’t reactionary. He thinks it’s valid. He agrees it’s good to not be worried about the identity or anything. We went in his car and vaped. Played some tunes.
After that, at like 1:30pm, I went to the engert lab and ate some food with them. It was a fun time. Drank some mulled wine and smoked a cigarette with Florian. He told me about how there used to be an ice skating rink at the law school. Ugh everyone’s so boring, but I find it easier to talk to them when I drink. I helped set up for the happy hour later and stole a white claw. Went back to my bench and wrote. Listened to the bosscore mixtape a couple times, especially bosscore days, my current favorite.
I went back to the engert lab for the happy hour at 5pm. There was pasta. At harvard, the most commonly served food is pizza, and if you’re lucky, in a blue moon there’s pasta. I drank some beers and chopped it up with Niko, Kristian, Mark, Alex, and Yasuko.
Eventually we went to the cbs party. The food was actually really good. I loved it. Buns with porkbelly and shit. Drank and chopped it up. Smoked another cig with Florian and Alex was there talking about “arborization fields”. It was interesting. Apparently there are 9 other places the eye neurons trace to besides the LGN (lateral geniculate nucleus). We went back inside and I drank more. Nacho was there and he told me about working with mice and guinea pigs and going to panama to do field experiments on the rodents there. He said they’re a little smaller than capybaras but I forget their names. He said he could put me in conatct with some Philly labs. I told Kristian that we lied about Roley being a marine biologist and gave him the whole spiel. He said that Mark made a comment about me travelling a lot. I don’t know how he’d know that. Kinda stressful to think about actually. Eventually, around 8, it was time to leave. I stole some beers from the engert lab fridge.
I dm’d Tripp and Cooper to ask what they were up to. Both going to the ave after work, asked if I could join. They said yes.
Walked Joyce to her bus stop. We talked for a while about relationships. She’s really going through it, breaking up with her partner of 7 years at 29, the only person she’s ever dated. She saw how drunk I was and asked if I should even bike.
I got home and played with coffee. Drank 2 of the beers I got. I was already so tanked. Biked to the ave and drank with cooper and tripp. They’re so nice, I like them. Always a lot to talk about. Cooper talked about his new boyfriend. They’re in love. Beautiful. I wondered if Arthur would show up, but he was at some rehearsal with Maddie outside boston.
We decided to leave and smoked outside for a very long time. Eventually we decided to go throw some darts at the sil. We walked there and I realized I left my bag at the ave. Biked back super fast and it was there. Thank fucking god. Biked back and the sil door was locked. Didn’t realize they were closing in 13 minutes! We drank and shit.
I told cooper and tripp about how down bad i am over roley and how she would hit me and bite me and burn me. They were bummed. They were like “arman… that’s not love, that’s abuse.” I hope they don’t think too negatively of me now. Ever since Roley left I’ve been craving touch. I want to hold someone. We went to Tripp’s after and he let me make a vodka redbull. I did four shots. So fried. We watched totally fucked up and it was ok. Much looser and more disjunctive. Wasn’t paying much attention. Cooper went to sleep and Tripp and I finished the movie. He kept wanting to talk about relationships and shit. It was strange. I thought he was coming onto me in a way. I asked him why he was sitting so far away at one point and he gave me his heated blanket. Interpreted that wrong, I guess! Lol he was like “someone can sleep in the bed with me” and I honestly rlly thought he was coming onto me. Anyways I puked right as the movie ended. I think the main guy drowned in the pool. Tripp made a point to tuck me in lol. I fell asleep immediately. It was like 4am.
Intentionally woke up late. I’ve had enough of the anxiety-inducing rush of waking up early, exposing myself to the cold, and tirelessly racing myself to be at work on time. I’m gonna stay late to read anyways, so I might as well take my time getting up.
Made myself a coffee and read from pages 50-68 in Anti-Oedipus. Confident I’ll read to page 100 tonight, after 5pm. This section is kinda lighter reading, I think, since it goes over/attacks a lot of Freudian concepts that are much simpler and easier to grasp (go figure) than the processes of desiring-production.
The lab is a good place for me to stay, especially in the winter. In theory I could go bike to the wine and cheese cask and buy a beer and drink it in Perry Park, but it’s far too cold, even for this extreme alcoholic. It’s too easy when it’s warm out, as I know all too well. Staying here keeps me from drinking until I leave.
Got to the lab around 10:45. I was gonna meet with Jonathan at 11 but we decided to switch up last minute. We’ll meet at 3 now. Fine by me. I ate 2 bananas before trekking to work. I was gonna bring some tortilla española with me but forgot. I’m really fucking hungry already. It’s like the bananas teased me. This always happens.
I feel better on this zoloft, maybe just more productive, than I ever did while taking it. How is this so? Anyways, I’m doing alright. My head hurts a little.
I want to eat something, but what? I’m grinding my teeth down to my chin and have $547 in my bank account. What are my options? Nothing. Actually, racking from star market would be great! I have a lot I need to get from there.
I racked from the star market down the street from the wine and cheese cask. They had absolutely no precautions in place. Got a 2-pack of toothpaste, some floss, a 2-pack of febreeze, and this is mad funny, but I got a pack of applegate turkey. Just ate it walking back to the lab. Was really hard to open, which was frustrating, but a nice and light, but still substantially filling meal. Stopped by the Engert Lab to grab an apple as well. I don’t want to do anything!!!!!!!!! I just want to read AO. Meeting with Jonathan at 3, then I have nothing else to really do, which is good. Maybe I should deisgn some gRNAs to look productive. Whatever.
Listened to some of John Frusciante’s Smile from The Streets You Hold. I like it still. I miss Roley so fucking much. I hate everything.
Got dispo pics back. My stomach dropped and my heart wouldn’t stop beating thinking about seeing the pics. Made me quite sad to think about. Some of them are good. A lot are really bad. I still am not great with the lighting and everything. Oh well. There are some really beautiful photos of Roley. Makes me sad to think about. The photo I took of Jonathan was great. Funny lil flick of Tebi, Dillon, and Omar’s brother. $72 for duplicates when only half the pics took is so funny to me.
I met with Jonathan at 3. Discussed how negarestani is mimicing a proof and the beginning was like an abstract for the rest of the book.
Jonathan on Lacan’s 4 Fundamentals:
still defends psychoanalysis, all about the individual, but not necessarily oedipal.
ccru is so obsessed with process and thermodynamics and cause and effect rather than narrative/moral/theme. there’s an aspect where cause and effect are linked and part of the same interaction, so negarestani putting nergal (the cause) at the end, it diminishes the idea of the cause being separate from the effect.
modenrist art: the eye, form, abstraction, direct existing realities
Jonathan recommended the shadow over innsmouth for some Lovecraft, which I listened to while biking to lumentation for my photos.
I saw a lot of people running for some reason while I biked to lumentation, maybe because it was so cold.
I got there and they told me they actually don’t have the photos, just the negatives, but I’ll get a second email when the photos are in. Ok.
On the way back to the lab I stopped at Anna’s Taqueria. I told them I was in earlier to pick up a mobile order, but the order wasn’t there, and I was in a rush, but the person working said I could come in later to get the burrito. They said “huh ok” and looked through all the orders and looked around the kitchen and asked me if I had a receipt but I lied and said that my phone was dead. Eventually she printed out a receipt and said “ah, is this you? Super al pastor?” The name on the receipt, which was printed with very little ink, was almost definitely of indian descent and nowhere close to the name I gave them, but I said “yeah!” and they made me the burrito and i biked back to the lab and ate it while watching a hivemind video. Horrible ingredient choices but whatever, it was free!
Read up to page 100 of anti-oedipus. Margin notes.
Biked home. Needed to go to the pet store but I put it off until tomorrow. So cold. I drank 2 beers and started watching The Thing. It was kinda boring at first but after all the gore started up it grabbed my attention. About 30 minutes in. In the end, I loved it. Brief intermission to re-up on more pbrs in the frigid cold.
I was really proud that i had spent $0 today and racked so much, so for some reason I spent $16 to have 2 popeyes spicy chicken sandwiches, plus fries, delivered to my door. I honestly wasn’t even hungry but I ate it all. I feel disgusting. Fell asleep right after eating the last sandwich. Coffee curled up with me all night.
Coffee terrorized me until her food alarm went off, then she became preoccupied with food, followed by the obvious nap. Sometimes she sleeps so close to me that I’m worried. But she’s a smart cookie. I love her. So stubby.
Woke up at 7am, but got up at like 7:30. My coffee this morning was really good for some reason. Real dark espresso shot, really packed the grounds in. Maybe I’ll get some decaf to drink at night to replace alcohol. Reminds me of that one time with spore forms (billy/ella?) that I got decaf Iced coffee from city feed. Could be a game changer. Maybe I’d even drink it hot, wow, what a concept. Yeah I keep failing at not drinking. At least I’m reading more.
My zine for Roley can be called Roller Derby. I have a lot of songs to put on her cassette. After injecting I went to whole foods and stole some mac n cheese. I went to planet records to try to find a blank cassette after. They only had 90 minutes. That’s ok. 45min 1 side & 45min the other. We’ll see how much time I can even use. Whatever. I will talk so she can hear my voice. She likes it I guess. I guess that’s what she liked about me at first.
The guy at planet records said “sure, we’re desparate, we’ll take anything” when I asked if they’d take card for the cassette I was buying.
Finally dropping the phage tests tomorrow.
Deleuze & Guattari wrote at a time that schizoanalyzes and take down the psychoanalysis of schizos from a psychological perspective. The quizzicalists can now do this from a biologically-informed perspective. Perhaps even going against the pathological-drug trial system.
Note: ask Jonathan what he defines molar as, and how it’s different from molecular.
Cursive lyricism.
Yknow, I think D&G in Anti-Oedipus are very anti-“main character syndrome”. Almost as far as anti-self.
Anagony
When. D&G describe a child playing with toys, exploring the house, etc, and particularly describe breast feeding, they astutely note that the breast is not a separate thing from the mother, rather it is connected to the desiring machine of the child’s mouth. The breast-mouth complex is a much more important flow than the breast-mother flow. It’s more “immanent”.
I’m tempted to call the things D&G say existential, but it’s more about machines working together than how they operate separately. Is there any relationship with Dadaism?
I miss drinking Roley’s piss. Particularly from the back so I could smell her asshole.
I read until like 7:45pm, then biked home. Stopped by TJs and got an onion for tortilla española, as well as some charcuterie to chop up and throw in the mix. I also withdrew cashback and stopped by the liq for some pbrs. Ashamed. At least I read a lot beforehand.
I know it’s a lot, but if I read 50 pages of AO every day, I can finish by next Wednesday. That’d be dope. I really like that plan. A goal. To keep me from doing other things.
Got home, fed Coffee, and made tortilla española while drinking and watching pod about list. 3 potatoes was too many. I’ll just use 2 next time. I didn’t slice them thin enough either, but it’s ok. That’s just my swag I guess. I overcooked the tortilla on the whole, unfortunately. When I flipped it some chorizo, egg, and potato fell out. C’est la vie I guess. It still tasted really good. I added a good amount of seasoning and that did the trick I think. It was spicy. A little rubbery/crumbly I can’t lie, but I’ll enjoy it. I really like it cold, to be honest.
I watched the Robert Crumb documentary. What a foul guy. Quite depressing, haha. He says he hates the grateful dead and all that shit but he’s really a drug artist. It’s crazy how all those women like his shit. He’s so pervy lol. I mean I get that he’s sexually attracted to conventionally unattractive features, but if that’s revolutionary in some way then I must be a model feminist. Not to be too woke but the idea that the way he draws black people is in some way liberatory or not-racist is so fucking retarded. Anyways real interesting guy, I can’t lie. I don’t think he was that old when this was made. The part where he has all these movers carrying his stuff out of his house is so gay. Really pissed me off, not gonna lie. He’s just standing there making snide remarks about these “jocks” while they do labor for him. So gay.
Drank like 5 pbrs in total I think? How does this keep happening. Fell asleep around midnight.
It was very, very difficult to get out of bed today. I don’t know why. I finally forced myself up at 7:15am, obviously later than I’d hoped.
It’s so funny to me that I need to keep my door open cuz of the cat. It’s so ridiculous. Anyone could see me sleeping fr. I guess nick left his door open sometimes and I couldn’t really see anything. It was so so so cold last night. I woke up at like 4am or something and swiped on hinge I think?? That was funny. I wonder why that keeps happening. It was like exactly at 4am. I miss sleeping next to Roley. I miss her perfect body. Oh, she texted me last night to say that August was on her flight from Chicago back to NYC. She called her “autumn”. She said sorry for breaking no contact and I said it’s ok and she said “nvm i shouldn’t have”. For some reason I thought she was mad at me. I’m glad she’s not. I lover her. Feeling sad thinking about it. C’est la vie.
I showered and made my slide for the lab meeting while my hair dried and got my ass to work.
I got to work only 20min after 8. Lab meeting ran so long that we didn’t even get to my slide. It was fine. I had nothing to show for it. I almost pissed myself in the meeting though. Also, I got a boner. It didn’t last. I think the zoloft is really fucking with my libido now. I’m gonna stop taking it.
Did some injections for like an hour and a half. Got a burger at tasty burger and it was raining. I don’t know why I went there. Not that cheap, but a good amount of food. It’s making me feel tired though. I want my dick to work again. At the same time, I’m enjoying being a theorycel and reading a lot. I emailed my psych that I’m not gonna take zoloft anymore. Withdrawals are gonna suck. The day I forgot to take it until like 8pm or something I felt awful and had no idea why.
Anti-Oedipus takes psychoanalysis down in a similar way that Nietzsche takes Christ, Christianity, and the herd down. They view psychoanalysis/oedipal analysis as a new religion in a way. A mode that can’t be deviated from.
“For it is absolutely hopeless to think in terms of security, as Miller states in Sexus; "there is none. The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble" (page 428). No pain, no trouble—this is the neurotic's dream of a tranquilized and conflict-free existence.”
“And it is into these back rooms, behind the closed doors of the analyst's office, in the wings of the Oedipal theater, that Deleuze and Guattari weave their way, exclaiming as does Nietzsche that it smells bad there, and that what is needed is ‘a breath of fresh air, a relationship with the outside world.’” This is anti-introspection in a way, maybe? Trying to separate us from the schism caused by analysis?
D&G treat political and labidinal economy as one economy of flows. Flows of desire = movements of desire, and this creates reality. Stratification = Oedipal.
D&G thought Marx and Freud were too ingrained in the society they fought against, but Nietzsche points to a way out for humanity. Perhaps a way out of spectacle while M&F are ingrained in it. Perhaps Nietzsche, being a “madman” can schizophrenically defy stratification.
Every day I think to bring my ddj home, it rains.
Oedipalizaiton is “internalization of man by man”.
“The first task of the revolutionary, they add, is to learn from the
psychotic how to shake off the Oedipal yoke and the effects of power, in
order to initiate a radical politics of desire freed from all beliefs.” I guess beliefs also means ‘ideology’ or maybe ‘representation’.
The “schizzes-flows” are anti-Oedipal forces.
I like the idea of creating my own language, or writing/corresponding cryptographically, BUT translated, the text would still be completely un-different from speaking in my own plain english. Maybe a method of cryptographic word-formulation can be made, that actually affects the substance of what’s said.
Adolf Wölfli’s drawings.
I really don’t want to be a part of this social media world anymore. I was thinking about my zine and how the only way I’ll ever give it to anyone is if I directly place it in their hands. When I use names or reference people, I should use a particular symbol, so people can’t even reference them with words. Like “hssss” in cyclonopedia. I want someone to take over my instagram and maybe once a month I can communicate what I’ve been doing or share a dump of photos or something. Something handwritten could be cool. And when I put out a new song or something, I can have whoever’s in charge of my account post it. Seems a lot more earnest and intentional with what I want to share. On contain, this guy who made a decades-spanning zine about learning how to play the guitar said that V. Vale told him that making a zine about his work will give him die-hard fans. Not that fans are particularly the goal, but I think this is a more sincere and earnest way of communicating. Really glad I read cyclonopedia.
When I got home I started reading anti-oedipus’ real text (notes above/in margins), but I also started drinking a few beers, so I didn’t read on as much or as vigorously as I’d hoped I would have. Maybe tomorrow I can stay at work and read. The last time I did that I felt focused.
Eamon cleaned the fridge and freezer. Nice of him. Makes me feel like a slob though. He and Eddie were going to the gym and he asked me to come but I said I had to grind on some stuff. He said I should come at some point though. Everyone’s catching on. I felt pretty low due to not taking my sertraline. I’m glad to be getting off it though, I can’t lie.
I watched Party Monster. It was ridiculous and difficult to focus on. So funny for Seth Greene to be in that role. Dylan McDermott’s character was funny. Natasha Lyonne with the braids fucking killed me.
Ordered Underdog. With an extra tender too. So fried. This is a sign of depression. Heard Eddie was over and everyone, including Odi, was mobbing in the kitchen but I just felt like being on my dolo.
Watched Nowhere. Put it off for too long, great movie. Very “OD,” over the top. I just liked it, I guess. I thought the scene where Elvis kills that guy was kinda cringe though. Pretty bad acting in that scene. If I were Dark I’d kill myself lmao. But yeah, I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I don’t know why, but I thought I wouldn’t like it based on the trailer. I should watch more from that string of Araki movies. Still love mysterious skin. The little brother’s “Prevent This Tragedy” shirt was so strange to see. I liked it.
Fell asleep pretty quickly after that, around midnight I think.
Ok. Last month. Giselle actually did hit me up and said something like ‘hiiii i didn’t get to text you all day’. I can’t stop thinking about Ezra.. and Roley. I’m not gonna lie, I feel like my dick’s not working. I’m gonna stop taking zoloft. I think I’ll take it today because I don’t want to feel withdrawals at the lab dinner tonight. Stressful.
Called the MIT bookstore and they didn’t have the CCRU book. Unfortunate. I don’t even know what to do at work today. I’m hungry, like a fatass, and feel like shit. I wish my copy of Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism & Schizophrenia that I ordered yesterday would come today. Ugh. They definitely have that at some bookstore. Whatever. Maybe I can read the CCRU book online. I hate my life. That’s not true, I just feel really down right now. I feel moralized because I finished cyclonopedia but demoralized because I drank in excess. I also texted Bella I think. So cringe. My dick doesn’t even work. I need to get off this shit. I wanna just get slurped by Giselle and call it, I can’t even lie to you.
Ate an early lunch at Santouka. I don’t care.
Foucault’s preface to Capitalism & Schizophrenia: I like how Foucault emphasizes the anti-ideology of anti-oedipus. He doesn’t want Deleuze & Guattari to be treated like Marx or Freud. “…the analysis of the relationship of desire to reality and to the capitalist "machine" yields answers to concrete questions.” Seems like an important quote. Probably frames how I should read the text.
Desire: Apparently Lacan, synthesized from Freud, viewed humans as being incomplete, or lacking, with a desire to fill ourselves and have more. D&G pre-assume desire’s existence and its inability to be changed, it’s constant. A un-fightable feeling. Someone on reddit said “We are desiring beings because desire permeates us, not because we are missing something.” Not to be too debordian, which I always fall into, but the inability to change the feeling of desire sounds imposed by the spectacle. We produce because we have desire. It’s not about trying to become whole, it’s an innate urge to satisfy desire, never-ending. It’s not like we achieve something and desire ends, it’s a perpetual motion. Anti-Oedipus is largely about Lacan’s lack as a non-negative. Someone else on reddit said “Desire is the positive, immanent force that produces reality by actualizing virtual intensities through expression.” Desire producing reality- that’s the relationship Foucalt spoke about in the preface. Desire fuels the perpetual motion machines that instantiate reality. The “immanence”. It’s like Nietzsche’s will to live I suppose, what they use to describe a fundamental life force, which I guess makes it more of a positive than negative. And I guess flows are movements of desire?
Foucault states that the major and strategic enemy of AO is fascism, both historically and the fascism in us all, in our heads and in our everyday behavior, the fascism that causes us to love power, to desire the very thing that dominates and exploits us.
Countering Fascism: “Develop action, thought, and desires by proliferation, juxtaposition, and disjunction, and not by subdivision and pyramidal hierarchization.” Proliferation: to me this means not sticking to/being married to ideas, and being open to new ones. Juxtaposition: challenging actions, thoughts, and desires with their opposites? Disjunction: Inconsistency, searching for/hypothesizing alternatives?
It is the connection of desire to reality (and not its retreat into the forms of representation) that possesses revolutionary force.” Desire produces reality and reality is productive. Note: reddit user said that D&G are very “anti” the idea that the unconscious can be representational. I guess the retreat into representation means viewing reality as being manipulated and manifested by something unconscious.
I want to become a luddite. I’ve had enough of technology. I’m sick of music that isn’t my friends’, I want literature.
I left work at 4pm and went home. I stopped at the liq for two modelo tall boys, nervous for the lab dinner. I drank them really fast while watching the new episode of Joebox, shanged my shirt (finally wore my oversized fancy purple j crew shirt) and biked to Giulia. I later found out that it’s Michelin-recommended. I thoroughly enjoyed the food this time. I really was just too ill to eat last year.
Sat with Kristian to my left, Niko to my right, and across from Kara. It was a good bunch. Kristian mostly talked to Florian the whole time. There was a “baña cauda” anchovy sauce that I really liked. Drank my share of wine, obviously faster than anyone at the table.
I should note that I read a little bit when I got home and while I drank, but I gave up quickly. Alcohol and reading, at least intensive reading, don’t really mix well at all.
Not to be too emo, but I really don’t think anything good lasts. Things that are almost good have a force propelling them forever, but when something’s good, the moment where it becomes not good ruins it. Nothing good lasts. Appreciate it while you can.
I stayed extra late at this dinner. Mark, Emily, Jessica, and Kara all left, and I waited until Florian left to ask him if he wanted to smoke a cigarette. I rolled him one and we walked to his house. This woman across the street from him dropped her phone underneath her car seat and I helped her retrieve it. She took down my number in case it snowed heavily tomorrow, so I could shovel for her. Her name was Liz. Florian drove me to my bike and said I could forward her number to him if I were indisposed tomorrow. Nice guy. Apparently he’s making mulled wine for the holiday party on Friday. Clemens made it (I think last year?) and I liked it a lot.
Froze on the way home. I lost one of my good carharrt gloves. Stuck with the wool ones I got from the thrift shop of boston when I went with sweet Roley.
Stopped by the liq and got one modelo tall boy. Struggled to finish it I can’t lie. Fell asleep around midnight.
Woke up late. Still pretty depressed. Randomly thought about Odi seeing my insane alcohol intake and being horrified and judgemental of me and it makes me want to stop today. So yeah, sober starting today. Supposed to go out with Giselle later but I truly don’t want to. I just wanna make music or some shit. Or read, or do anything. Fuck. Beer makes everything easier. And harder obviously. So cringe. Dylan said he has stage 1 hypertension. Maybe he’s also an alcoholic. I wish I could go to rehab. Possibly wouldn’t even work. Roley went to rehab and relapsed like 24 hours after getting out.
Still thinking about Roley. Still sad. Drank coffee and watched pod about list. Showered and got out the door to feed the fish extremely late. Later than would have been acceptable if Isaac were still the manager. I know Jessica and Kara don’t care though. I got a sandwich from Mortadella head for no good reason.
Ate outside. Much warmer than I thought it’d be. Actually ate half the sandwich, realized I definitely needed a fork for everything falling out of it, and biked to the lab. It started raining too. Bummer. Was thinking I could possibly finally skate today.
Fed the fish while listening to contain. Don’t want to leave here and rot at home although I’m going to need to come here every day for the next 19 days in a row. I think I’ll finally watch martyrs tonight. I should have a pen and paper out, but keep my phone in a drawer or something. I want to take a moment to go over some site entries from this year.
Read several entries. It’s good to reflect. Definitely became more experiential as time went on. Sex addiction proliferated, I suffered less, maybe had to distract myself from my internal pain more. I’m gonna get a coffee somewhere, come back, and read cyclonopedia. It’s so nice how quiet it is here.
I should try to fully grasp numograms. I still don’t get them. There’s a lot of space in my noggin and I can handle difficult concepts.
Urge to drink. Coffee almost done. Must keep reading. Already read ~ 19 pages.
I really like Negarestani (via Parsani, or maybe the other way around)’s term “barbaric musicality”.
Cyclonopedia page 165: Hissing sound mentioned, hydragraphs discussed. This makes me think that the person who was in contact with who collected Parsani’s writings aka the person who Parsani wrote to in the margins’ name is pronounced as a hissing sound!
Page 181 may be the most important page in the whole book. Essentially outlines what the whole book is trying to say by highlighting what “critics” say about Parsani’s themes.
I said it before, but I admire how Negarestani paces Cyclonopedia, in that it’s initially set in a concrete setting, then delves into an extremely nebulous essay, ir maybe moreso a lecture, takes fictional, political, and historical breaks, and actually even outlines its own themes, but only towards the end. It forces you to read on to comprehend what you already read before. It gives more clues as you read on.
Description of Ahriman maiming himself, “butchering his body” is gruesome and difficult to read, making me cringe, but I like the term “excessive scarring”.
I like “Parsani”’s assumption that communication with the outside is necessary to, but also exclusively for survival.
Scimitar - great word.
Look up Begotten by E. Elias Merhige, where God chose to be a corpse in order to be a protagonist. I just watched the trailer and I’m 99% sure Sam Gildae put me on to this movie. I thought about him today, weird.
Another explanation of a concept being explained much later after its initial and repeated reference: Zoroastrianisnm being the germ-cell of monotheism. How that came to be is historically detailed at the very end of the book, in the “Z. Crowd” section starting on page 209.
There are so many different voices in this book. I picture Negarestani, Parsani, Deleuze & Guattari, and even the Suicide Girl at different points.
The whole book is really about Nergal, but we only discover that at the end, on the last full page.
At 8:28pm on 251130 I finished Cyclonopedia. Wow. Great. I’m glad Giselle didn’t hit me up!
I swiped on hinge a little, kinda fruitlessly, and biked home. Stopped at the liq for 2 modelo tall boys. I wanted to finish all my alc so I wouldn’t feel tempted to finish what was in the fridge tomorrow. So I got home, fed coffee, ate some arugula, and drank 2 modelo tall boys, 2 pbr tall cans, and 1 regular pbr while watching martyrs. I was honestly really drunk. Like, I felt it. The opposite of what I wanted to happen today.
Martyrs is so fucked up. So horrifying. A movie I couldn’t stop saying “oh my god, oh my god” to while watching. The second half was quite slow, but it made sense. Ending was so insane. Watched the smiling friends finale after to cheer me up.
Fell asleep watching some random pod about list episode and had no bad dreams.
Bad day. At least I updated the site finally. Very few days left to go. I need to make it count. I woke up at like 4am, downed more of the beer on my bedside table, drank a little water, then went through my allotted hinge likes for the day.
Woke up fr much later. Drank some beers. This is disgusting but for some reason I felt the urge to get 4 double cheeseburgers from mcdonalds. I ate them all while watching pod about list and drinking. That was one of the only times I went outside today. Tebi was going to a show only like a mile away and I said I’d join but I don’t think I want to.
I slept from like noon to 4pm. Dreadful. Coffee was all curled up with me though, which was cute.
Finally forced myself to update the site. Went to the liq to get a 6 pack of pbrs, and went to TJs for arugula, bananas, and blueberries. I should at least try, no?
I can’t stop thinking about her. Maybe I’ll watch a movie fr tn.
I can’t stop thinking about how I should have moved out of this city so long ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have taken advantage, I don’t know. But damn, I feel stunted. I feel behind. Whatever, I have my whole life to do what I want to do. If I spent less time drinking I could read and write more. It’s not about consistency it’s about a general arc. Let’s make it happen.
Funny ass double feature tonight. I watched Super, followed by Salo. Super is an example of one of those 2000s movies that randomly invokes religion throughout it in a way that kinda turns me off. Like why? I guess the people who made it just thought society was more religious back then. It was funny, it was ridiculous, whatever. Some parts were comically bad. Eliot Page was the best part, I lowk can’t believe his character actually died, especially so brutally.
Salò was fucked but, I can’t lie, genuinely good. I mean the symbols are very on-the-nose which I think makes the movie passable. I mean the whole thing about the ruling class/fascists raping/force-feeding shit to the people below them is very on the nose. Brutal to watch at times but I think it was actually pretty interesting. I think I could pick up on some Dada influence in the style. Very bizarre. Will not watch again.
I drank a LOT even though I felt acid reflux kinda coming on. Got some bananas and blueberries from TJs, plus some arugula. That was a good idea. I slept watching pod about list. I like when coffee sleeps next to me. She’s so cute. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Earlier in the day when I rested my head on her while napping was precious.
Woke up late. Went to TJs and got a steak for lunch + some guac and some beer. Drank. Facetimed meera to ask for a little advice about this whole ezra thing. She said I should wait to hit them up again because there’s still a good amount of space before I go to Seattle. That’s a good idea. I’ll wait a little. We’ll see.
Adam Netburn came to see me. I cleaned up all the beer cans strewed around my room and the apartment. It was snowing. We smoked. The conversation flowed. It was great to see him. We went to the sil and threw some darts. Smoked more, talked shit, walked back to time. I talked a little too much about how obsessed I was with Roley and how sad I am she’s gone, probably, but whatever. I actually got another steak from TJs for some reason. So indulgent.
I was feeling really lonely and I don’t know why, but I hit up so many women in particular. That girl Hayley, isn’t that so weird. Also Maisie. I facetimed hannah and she said she was going to the model later but I didn’t wanna invite myself. I texted Van of all people asking if we could exchange sweatshirts soon. Down bad on my ass. Fried.
Just like, watched pod about list and slept.
Thanksgiving. Weird. No one hit me up about it. I think there was some groupchat text between my mom, aunt, and uncle but I didn’t open it.
I’m glad I had enough beer! Drank throughout the day. Watched Joebox. I actually grinded on tunes for a while. Recorded 3 songs! All on apollo beats. He only really liked 1 of them, but I liked all of them.
My dad texted me saying he was bringing some food or something and I got scared, especially since I was at my desk facing the window. I could literally hear him walking up the stairs. He said he left the food in front of my door. Ugh. I ate some, it was whatever. Watched Joebox, drank, and slept. Didn’t even have it in me to watch a proper movie. Worst thanksgiving, truly. I was just sad the whole time.
Oh actually I got my dick sucked by a sniffies guy up the street. He was weird lol. I didn’t feel that horny, not gonna lie.
I did absolutely nothing all day. Ok not true, because the night before, Eamon gave me my dispo back that was at Ted’s. After going to Lulu’s I stopped by Orchard to smoke a cig with Maydoney. It took so fucking long because people kept coming in to the shop. We smoked outside and it was already getting dark. He told me a story about this guy who fell through the whole building while it was abandoned and was in the hospital for like 2 years. After that I went home to take a shit, then biked to lumentation. I dropped off the 2 dispos and asked for duplicates, then walked my bike while drinking a tall boy. I drank a lot today.
Forgot to say I had a therapy appointment. It was pretty good, first one in a month. She told me that consistency is about an overall pattern over the course of my life. I feel infatuated with people, but I should try to feel infatuation or confidence towards myself and practice it. Filling my own holes (pause). My work is about internalizing that I’m worthy of this infatuation that I show people, obviously without being a dick. When we’re drawn to someone, it’s great, but it’s important to look at what i’m really trying to get from them. It can happen with friends too.
I got home and got some more beer (because tomorrow’s thanksgiving) and showered + got ready to hit state park. I got there and drank like 5 beers and smoked and talked a lot with Isaac and honestly, chopped it up with Maia hella. I told everyone about how fucked up I was over this shit with Roley. Breakup guy again. Maia said that they haven’t heard from Carrie in a while and in a kinda sighing way said “I guess people get swept up in relationships.” Sad. She also said she hit them up for a haircut and they never responded. Apparently they were doing hair again. Crazy. Maia said theit new boyfriend’s nice and he was at her birthday. I was all like “him but not me?!” When we were all smoking our last cigs Maia said something like “no fr. hit me up.” It was a little surprising to hear. I genuinely wish Nick was never in a situationship with her because we’d get along well.
Biked home. Got mcdonalds which was wack. Drank. Watched Joebox. Slept. Was great to see Meera. Wish I talked to her more.
So sad, in so much pain. Went to work from like 12-3 just to screen some fish and throw them away. I logged it as a sick day. I feel miserable. I cleaned my apartment, which was good. Just a little. Did the dishes and did laundry, etc. Cart and Dillon came over and we made a lot of beats. It was really productive, not gonna lie. I tried to remember to breathe and make the best of my time. That’s quite literally it. We made a lot of beats though. I watched Joebox and slept without putting my sheets on. Wow what an uneventful day.
The last time I saw her. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. She’s so special. No one will ever be as sexy, weird, gross, or interesting as her. I respect her much more than anyone else I’ve ever been in a ‘relationship with’. Even if we weren’t officially dating, this is a real ‘Roley era’. I mean I told her I love her. So I’ve told 4 people I love them in my life. And meant it, or at least thought i meant it. Now I understand that I treat these people platonically, but that’s just the way it is. It’s ok.
We fucked. She told me to cum quick. I tried. I wanted to be a good cum dispenser for her. If I wasn’t able to cum it’d be sad.
We were both sad. I just sat and watched her get ready. She gave me a piece of cardstock that said “You’ve read your last complimentary article for this month.” I want her next letter. I hope we still feel a way about each other. It’s good to know she likes me so much. It feels good. I’m going to make her a cassette, a zine, and write her a letter.
She called her uber. I waited downstairs with her. She put her stuff in, we hugged, and said goodbye. I miss her so much. She texted me “I really miss you.” “I don’t like my life in ny” “I like being in boston” then after I didn’t respond for a while she edited the last two messages to say “Sorry” “I’ll give it time and space”. I was going to go into work but I got some dunks and got home and just rotted in bed. I facetimed exp and we talked shit for a long time. I told him about how roley left, etc. I officially took a sick day at work and sent a slack message saying I was sick as a dog. A lie, but my leg was really fucked up, not gonna lie. I felt so dumb. I wanted to skate. Ugh.
I dropped talisman. I think Roley didn’t like that I used the photo she took of me at the beach, but idk why cuz I asked her if I could use it and she said yes, but she texted me “No u did not” and I just said “wait what” and she never responded.
I went on a date to the model with Giselle, who I talked to a little over the summer. She’s pretty sexy. I wrote in my notebook at the model waiting for her to show up. Yakov was there, and also this fool C who I think is friends with the Dino Gala crowd and used to be Roley’s old plug. Also saw leaf and her gf I think. Giselle walked in and we were a little awkward and couldn’t hear each other very well so we walked to the sil. Also, the model bartender gave me a hug when she saw me, which was hilarious. That was so ridiculous. I met her once.
We went to the sil and there was a show going on but I could hear much better. Giselle kinda comes across as a little bit of a bimbo. I like her voice. She’s allergic to cats, it’s so sad. I liked talking to her quite a bit though. We went outside to smoke a cigarette. We bummed a cigarette off tim, actually. She had me light her cigarette, obviously. I said she’s cute and she said I’m cute and that I should give her a kiss after we smoke. I asked her to blow the cigarette smoke into my mouth and she did. I liked it. She has nice lips. She said she got filler. I gripped her hips and made out with her. She’s not so big on tongue, I can tell. She asked me if I liked touching her hips and that it’s her weak point. Noted. I kissed her neck and heard her breathe a little heavier. We went back inside and when I sat across from her she asked to sit next to me. She put her legs on mine and I stroked them. I like her hands. She wanted to talk about astrology. I think I drank 4 beers in total. We went outside and made out while she waited for her uber. I walked home. She told me to text her when I got home. She did the same.
I think I just watched Joebox, which ezra put me on to, and fell asleep. This is a dark period.
Our last day. We slept in. I can’t even remember what we did. A lot of fucking if I remember correctly. The first day she got here, I fucked her from the side and my balls brushed her feet while I fucked her. She said “you like every part of me, don’t you?” I do. I tried to do that with her again but it didn’t really work because my leg was so immobile.
I’m pretty sure I made her breakfast again. I remember she was kinda sad we slept in again because it meant less time together. I think she had one last tattoo to do actually. I don’t understand why I don’t remember this day so well.
She was done tattooing and I met her at trader joes. We got ingredients for tortilla española. Actually my mom called me earlier in the day and I told her I was making it. We were excited to cook. That’s what we did when we got back. Listened to music and cooked. I love her. I’m so sad. I told her I was going to get a tattoo from absintheta and she tried to hit me. I took my glasses off and let her slap me. She did it twice, then I begged her to do it one more time. I’m gonna miss the way she hits me even though sometimes it’s too much.
The tortilla turned out so good. Just a little overcooked. I was worried the egg was all gonna leak out when I flipped it, so I kept it on the first side a little too long I think. It tasted really good though. We ate a lot.
Roley got into a food coma and fell asleep on the couch with her legs on me. She snored again and it was really cute. I love her.
We slept.
We woke up extremely late. Could barely get out the door. I made breakfast for the both of us, obviously hash browns + meatless sausage for Roley, and chicken sausage for myself. We were debating not even going to the beach, but we did.
Much later than we’d hoped, we trekked to the b, then took it all the way to government center, then transferred and rode to Orient Heights. Walked to this beach park, but obviously hit the liquor store first. There was an animatronic Santa Clause that Roley danced with, stockings for all the employees lining the entrance ramp, and infinite other christmas decorations ornamenting the store. I also saw a modelo i’d never seen before called “Noche Especial” that had a red label. I just got a 6 pack of Modelo cans. I think Roley was a little surprised, but hey, it was late enough in the day for me. Obviously.
We got to the beach and found a crab. Named him plank ocean. Roley really liked the crab. She took photos of me pretending to eat him. She liked how I put him all the way in my mouth.
Forgot to say that earlier in the day, on the way to the b, we stopped at orchard so Roley could get some stickers. Said hi to Chino and Mae. Also stopped by Buried Treasures for some tobacco. Roley stole 2 little reeses cups. I ate mine. They were white, which she didn’t like, so I asked her if she wanted to spit hers, all chewed up, into my mouth, and she did. She liked that a lot and brought it up a lot over the next 2 days.
Hanging out at the beach was very fun. After walking around for a while, looking for things in the sand, we decided to sit on a bench overlooking the water. I liked looking at the lights from the airpoirt, the city, and the highway. I like the way the mosaic blips. She sat on my lap and kissed me, and we hugged. We brought the crab to the water and it was slow to get moving. She thought it had tied but I urged her not to take it with us.
We were hungry so we went to like 4 different places trying to get some food, but decided on this genchy pizza place. I just got a slice of buffalo chicken and Roley got a caesar salad. You’d think I’d be over pizza. I kinda am, but the pizza was fine. Roley was very scared to eat the caesar salad because it had a little anchovy in it. It barely tasted like anchovy though. It ended up being a good decision.
We took the train downtown. Had to transfer to the red line. We stopped by cvs and I racked hella disposable cameras. Roley got some film and a memory card. SD card. I love stealing with her. We went to Macy’s so she could steal some underwear for figure modeling.
I brought her to figure modeling. I saw her strike her first pose. I liked it. She’s good at what she does. I left and walked to the seaport cvs to steal even more disposable cameras and a phone charger. It was a huge success. I listened to hit another lick on repeat. I just drank a shit ton of beers and listened to elliot smith outside while waiting for Roley to almost be done. I was really, really sad. I couldn’t help but think about this lovely relationship ending. I couldn’t help it but it made me so sad. I was so drunk.
Eventually figure modeling was over and as one of the participants left, I was let inside and scooped Roley. One of the people drawing Roley gave her the drawing and was talking to her. He was so annoying. He asked me what my name was a million times. It was weird, like he wanted me to be more ethnic or less american-washed than I am. He talked to Roley for so long and we were tryna get out of there.
Eventually we left and trekked home. She made a good amount of money. Over $50 I think. I guess it was donations-based. I miss her. We went home and I jetted to the liquor store while she got ready. Got her this ridiculous cheap red called “cupcake”. Walked to this untitled house show and Marcelo let us in for free. I like Marcelo.
We danced. She grinded on me and I put my hand up her shirt and fondled her tits. Ella came up to her and said that Roley’s her favorite figure model she’s ever had. Roley was very excited to hear that. She believed it. We went outside and to a nearby lawn to piss. She drank my piss.
We went back and hung out outside for a second and the music stopped. We just chopped it up for a little. Miguel said hi to Roley. We walked home.
We walked by the allston roof with all the hangdowns on it and I asked her if she wanted to go up. We went up but there was no ladder, just a palette leaned up against the brick wall. I tried to stand up on it and hold myself up by gripping the bricks that lined the window, but fell back, slipped, caught my leg painfully on the fire escape guard rail, and fell head first into the fire escape. My head and hands hurt so much. I was limping. I puked so much. Also farted. Roley said we were even now. It was because once she was so high off k that she farted.
We walked back and she had her arm around me. I told her I was worried she wouldn’t be attracted to me because of how she saw her husband get beat up and lost all attraction to him. This was different though I guess. It’s insane her husband stayed even though she cheated like 100 times. He’s pretty dumb for that. She told me that was totally different and seeing me fall didn’t make her feel negatively towards me. We got home and fell asleep immediately. I did not feel well.
I was a real pile this morning. Roley and I slept in later than we should have. She was late to figure modeling. She told me “you need to fuck me” so I did. I’m her fucktoy, so I had to. She told me to cum quick, and I did as quickly as I could. She told me I was a good cum dispenser for her. She showered quickly and ubered to Massart. I drank a coffee, then 3 beers. Foul, right? I did the dishes and showered, and payed the internet bill.
Got to work at like 11:30. Just in time for the seminar. Ate 2 slices of pizza. After the seminar I lazed for a little, then got a beer and went to the park to read. This morning it was like 28 degrees but it warmed all the way up to 48. Was still cold, but I enjoyed reading in the park. I have good momentum with this book now. This section I read, which was all the way up to when Jonathan and I decided we would stop for the week, was all about millitarism, the desert, islam, and demonic folklore. Very enjoyable. Admittedly easier to read than previous sections. I wanna continue breezing through. It gets easier as I adapt to the language of the book.
Worked on 2 comes after 1 video for the first time in so long. Also wrote a little thing called Chemogenetics that I thought of because of Cyclonopedia’s described ‘chemotherapy’ war tactics and the molar vs molecular split that Jonathan outlined as a theme.
updating 251129: I’m in a vast amount of pain. I’ve been so sad since Roley left, which was Monday 251124. Has been very difficult to get out of bed. Drinking first thing in the morning. Feels like I’m at an all-time low. Felt impossible to write. Let’s try.
Con’t: Earlier in the day, I asked Kara if she wanted to hit the happy hour later & that Roley would come too. She said yes, so Kara and I waited in the lobby for Roley to show up. Just thinking about how we were in the lobby and when I turned around she was waiting at the doors to the building makes me so sad. She’s so beautiful. I let her in and introduced her to Kara. Kara wasn’t too much of a chatterbox, if I remember correctly.
We convinced everyone at my job that Roley was a marine biology phd in new york. Their socially awkward asses didn’t ask any prying questions whatsoever. Kara liked the joke. We stole so much alcohol. Roley wasn’t feeling so well from figure modeling + tattooing without eating anything all day. She doesn’t even like pizza that much but she was happy to eat some free food. We mostly talked to Marc because he’s the most sociable, but also Kristian a little. Roley didn’t like him.
We eventually left. Roley and I grabbed my bike and walked to the bus stop. We smoked part of a cigarette and just made the bus. I put my bike on the front of the bus with ease, now that I know how, and when I got on the bus the driver let me on without paying. He joked that Roley said the bus should leave without me, haha. She said he started it. We went all the way to the back, cuz Roley knows what I like, but then we moved to the front so I could watch my bike. Cigarette was only half smoked and we brought it on the bus, which the driver was not a huge fan of, but he didn’t mind too much. The small details of having fun with Roley really get me sad. Aw man, I love her. I forget when, but at some point, I think tonight, I accidentally told her I love her. I tried to backtrack and stumbled over my words, etc, but I know what I said. And I meant it. I love her in my weird, platonic way.
We got home and we curled up and watched a fish called wanda and eating raoul while she tattooed me. I liked a fish called wanda way more than I thought I would. She liked eating Raoul. The tattoo hurt a little but it was fine. It was mostly just hard to lie in that position for so long. This is so fried but now that it’s on me, I look at it and see Carrie. Disgusting, isn’t it. Well, I was happy I could do something for Roley. We curled up and watched home movies in bed. She lied on my lap and slept. It was perfect. She snored so cutely. I took a video but I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time. I’m gonna think about that moment for a while.
Eventually she woke up and wanted to go to the sil. We walked there holding each other. Saw Maisie and her friend there. Maisie’s friend was honestly bad. Seemed a little basic and out-of-touch but I was into her. She asked a million questions. We were all outside smoking a cigarette and she asked “How long have you been together?” And we both said “we’re not together” in unison. Funny. I liked that she asked that. Fuck I miss Roley. We stayed until the bar closed and chopped it up with the bartenders for a little. I thanked Sara for getting me a beer at Lulu’s a few days prior. It’s nice to be a local. Roley used her pink Posca to tag on the way.
We got home and I can’t remember much else. Probably fell asleep.
Had a scheme of getting to the lab at like 7. Was not happening. Woke up late, had to flip the breakers cuz the kitchen appliances weren’t working, drank a coffee, etc, hung out with Roley and Coffee a little, showered, then biked to work. It feels so good to bike, albeit the cold. I dropped off my stuff and jetted to dunkin for 2 sausage egg and cheese wake up wraps, then jetted back.
Asked Kara to help explain to me whether we have the day before thanksgiving off or not. Apparently we do, but I’ll only get an extra day off if I work, not time and a half. I will get time and a half for Thanksgiving though, which is dope. I think it’s worth it for me to come in on both wednesday and thursday. i can’t really take wednesday off and just come in thursday. wouldn’t make sense. oh well.
Stole mac n cheese + some chicken from whole foods. Very very very full. Got a modelo from the liq and read cyclonopedia in perry park. I like it more as I read on. It gets easier to read. It’s somewhat frustrating but admittedly really cool how some things or concepts are discussed at length but only really are fully defined or described in a way that makes sense much later on. Wrote notes in page margins.
Roley wanted me to come get her from the studio but I’m afraid the person whose studio she’s using is the person who lives at pasta planet who’s dating (dated?) kayde and does not like me at all. Dude Kayde literally asked me why I thought that dude might be mad at me, I don’t think they got what I was saying at all. I should have just kept my drunk ass mouth shut. I’m not trying to be rude, edgy, or make anyone uncomfortable. Definitely a learning experience. Anyways, I went home and Roley arrived shortly after, and yeah, the studio is at pasta planet. I’m gonna avoid it. I real the adventure time comic she got me while I waited for her to get home. It was cute.
Roley got home and we curled up for a little. We also played more bananagrams and smoked a cig with Eamon and Ashlee. We started watching a fish named wanda, which was a lot funnier than I thought it’d be, but eventually it stopped loading. Roley wasn’t feeling well so we hit the hay early. I think we fucked at some point. Yeah, I fucked her while standing up. She liked it.
I woke up at 6am. Got right on my way to coolidge corner. I was tracking Roley’s bus and it was supposed to arrive at ~7:15, so I got out the door at like 6:45. As I was waiting for the bus the arrival time changed at 7:45am. Fuck. It was pretty cold out. Everything is hard now that it’s cold. I took the bus and got off, then walked around the corner to Lakon bakery and got a coffee. Like 4 hours of sleep, could be worse, could be better. I knew Roley and I were gonna nap when we got home, so maybe the coffee was a bad idea, but c’est la vie. I waited and waited and waited.
The bus came at 7:45. Roley got off and jumped into my arms, wrapped her legs around mine, and clung to me. She was very happy to see me. I was expecting her to be pissed and stressed, but she wasn’t at all. She was just glad to be here. I said “I can’t believe you almost didn’t come. That would have been an awful goodbye.” Then she said “I was always gonna come.” We jetted for the 66, which was departing as we were running up to it, caught it, and went home. I carried her bags.
We took all our clothes off and got into bed. She smelled so bad, I loved it. We cuddled and got warm. It didn’t take long for us to fuck. It was pretty passionate. She was going pretty crazy. I loved it so much. I came in her mouth and she said she liked the taste. We slept for maybe an hour or so then fucked again. I came in her mouth again, then ate her out for ~30 minutes or so. I think I made her happy. I just need to do it more often.
We walked to TJs and got hash browns + meatless sausage + chicken sausage + guacamole. Got home and I made us breakfast. We both showered and I decided I needed to finally put a new tube in the front wheel of my bike, so I took it with us while we made our way to harvard square. The 66 pulled up once again right as we arrived to the stop. I was able to put my bike on the bus rack with relative ease. Roley was being really affectionate. Every time I said I like her she said it back. She kept kissing me on the cheek. I like her very much. Sweet Roley.
I dropped her off at the t mobile store so she could set up her phone. I went to work. Got there at like noon. Grinded pretty hard, didn’t really pause at any point. Paused for an hour actually at 2pm to facetime Jonathan and discuss cyclonopedia. Notes in margins. Roley went home to complete a job application on her ipad. I left work at like 4:30, leaving my tasks slightly incomplete, and started walking to central to cambridge bicycle.
Walked by friends & family and saw Hakeem through the window. Tapped on the glass and waved. Roley liked the hat I wore today.
I stopped at the liq to get a modelo tall boy. A mother and son were outside asking me where 905 mass ave was. I tried to help.
I walked to cambridge bicycle. My trispoke doesn’t use a valve adapter, just a long valve. They said it’s the same replacement as any other wheel, but I also bought a spare tube. I was on my way shortly. I got home and Roley was lying in my bed, drawing. I like her drawing a lot. Red and green.
She found a hat that was the same brand as mine (the one she likes) and it was super shrunk but she said she can stretch it. It’s funny, that hat fits me so much better now that I have short hair. She found an adventure time comic for me and a little seal plush for coffee. She’s the best. She was already a little tipsy when I got home. We drank more and we fucked, then she sucked my dick so sloppy. There was spit everywhere. I went to fuck her again and when I touched my dick it was covered in saliva. She knows what I like. I came deep inside her then we played bananagrams. Walked to the liquor store and she bought a 12er of pbr tall cans because on the train in ny i asked this woman who was wearing a rainbow jacket if she was gay. the bet was that i’d get $15 if I did it. She wasn’t gay, she just likes rainbows! It was so cold. We walked back and played 1.5 rounds of bananagrams. I made mac and cheese for her as she slept. I can’t blame her for falling asleep early, she was very sleep deprived. Watched home movies and drifted off.
Woke up later than I would have hoped, kept sleeping in later and later. Worked on my lab meeting slides while drinking my morning coffee. Small changes. I got to work at around 8:30, fortunately, and prepped for the meeting. Almost fell asleep, it was so boring.
Collected and separated embryos after the meeting, then went to whole foods to steal some food. Mac n Cheese wasn’t out so I racked some mashed potatoes. They had hella free fruit samples on display, which gave me a little extra energy.
When I got back I just wrote. Finally updated the site for the weekend. Feels good, although it eats at my workday. Roley changed her bus here to be later, which is better for me because I have laundry to do. I must ride my bike and I must skate. I do not feel well when I don’t do these things. I must read. I must write. I must make music. I must ride my bike. I must skate. Simple as. Duh!
Time to reward myself with a park beer. I love self-destruction.
Went to the park, drank a beer, and read ~17 pages of cyclonopedia. Such a fucking slow book to read, goddamn. Hoping I can leave soon.
Ended up leaving some fish set up that I should have collected. I asked Kara if it was fine and she said yeah but there was a miscommunication.
Jetted home and kinda did nothing. Started writing to Roley. She missed her fucking 6pm bus. She tried saying goodbye. Said that she was going to go home. I convinced her to come and that I’d buy her a bus ticket. She trekked to the bus and got on.
In the middle of writing my letter to Roley, she said she was still super far away from boston even though 2 hours had passed. She called me via facetime audio and said the bus she got on was actually going to Philly, not Boston. I was shocked. She started crying. As I was on the phone with her, the bus arrived to Spring Gardens and she got off. She got wifi at a gas station and called me and I told her to buy a bus ticket from Philly to Boston. I told her to get the one that went straight to brookline and she bought it without knowing there was a 1hr transfer from 12:30am to 1:30am at the bus stop. She was so upset and scared. She was mad. I tried hard to calm her down. I was putting back pbrs. She got on the Philly-NY bus.
I asked her if she remembered when I said that there are certain things that could only happen to certain people, and she said yes, but those things didn’t happen to her. I said it finally happened. Apparently there were 2 flixbusses leaving the station at the same time and she just went up to the driver of one them and showed her ticket. He didn’t scan it or anything, he just instructed her to get on the bus. Keep in mind that she didn’t have her new phone set up yet and had to communicate using wifi on her ipad.
Eddie texted me to say that Riley needed a place to crash. I said my place worked and Eddie gave Riley my number. I slept for an hour while Roley was on the Philly-NYC bus. Woke up to Riley calling me. I let him in and we didn’t really chop it up much. I was pretty preoccupied. I showed him the couch. Didn’t really think about how Eamon wasn’t home and he coulda slept in Eamon’s bed. Oh well. I stayed up for when Roley got to NY. She just hung out in the area waiting for the bus. 1:30 rolled around and the bus was delayed to 2:30am. She said this was too hard and said goodbye. I was so sad. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. 2:30 rolled around and she hit me up out of the blue asking for help. She said the bus was here but they weren’t letting anyone on. So fucked up. She was tricking me. She was gonna surprise me. The bus driver told everyone waiting (like 20 people) to just buy tickets for the 3am bus, so I did that for her. Eventually the bus rolled around and she got on and was on her way. Fucking insane. I don’t know how it happened. I was glad she decided to come but was worried she was pretty pissed at me. I fell asleep at 3:30am.
I woke up at ~4:50AM to the bus passing by my apartment. I was tempted to rush to the bus driver and ask him to just let me out, but I didn’t. Bus dropped me off at coolidge corner, which I didn’t know was a stop. Very convenient. The bus came in about 5 minutes. I drank one of the modelos, still cold. Got home and cuddled the kitty. I was very happy to see her. Someone gave her some wet food, idk who.
I decided to sleep until ~7:30, but I snoozed all my alarms and woke up at like 10. Got to work just before 12 and Mark walked by me, leaving, as I was getting in. Oof. Not the best look. I got the job done. Left around 5pm.
Got home, cracked some brews open, tried to rest. I stayed in bed almost all damn afternoon/night. I watched one battle after another and enjoyed it, I suppose.
On friday night ezra texted me, asking what i was doing, and I said I trekked ti the big apple. On “saturday morning” at 1:30am I said hi, that I hope she had a good day, and told her that I was in NY for a show I was going to on Sunday. No response since. I decided to text her hi and ask how her Monday was. No response. I’m scared. I wonder when she’ll get her package.
I watched home movies with Roley briefly and fell asleep at like 12:30. Wasted day, but in this case I can admit I needed it.
Woke up late. Went to the pet store. It smelled really bad in there. Roley really wanted me to help her steal this scaleless snake that was all black and white with circles on it. It looked really cool. The plan didn’t come to fruition. We eventually trekked to the bushwick diner. Got a beer from the store next to it to drink while eating. Roley got eggs benedict, soup, and orange juice. When the waitress came by and saw us drinking a beer, albeit in a plastic bag, she said “uh oh! uh oh!” but eventually left us alone. I got a cheeseburger and it sucked so bad. Very well done. Overdone, I mean. Roley asked me when the last time I cried was. I told her it was around february or march. until then she kept asking what if she changed her mind about us ‘breaking up’ (i called it more of a breaking off) but when she did the math that the last time I cried was 8 months ago, she said nevermind. We left, I got another beer, and I walked Roley to Mo’s tattoo studio. Her client pulled up and I charged my phone for 10 minutes before trekking back to Roley’s apartment.
I showered and got all my ducks in a row, then walked + took the bus to bushwick to see dan and dillon. They were just mobbing at this basketball court across the street. Such fun. Omar’s brother was there. I forget his name. I talked to him for a bit.
They were all playing basketball and I was just sitting there. Wtf man. This is why hanging out with Dan in NY is so lame.
Eventually we went inside and I said hi to Omar. Just did nothing for like 30 minutes which is what always happens, then dillon left for his bus. I finally met cutspace though. That was sick. He was all like “you’re Arman right?” Nice guy, wish I could chop it up with him more. I left with Dillon and got a brew at the deli and took the bus to Mo’s studio. When I got in, Roley said that Gabi texted her when I got back to Roley’s place earlier saying “omg he’s back.” She said it’s because Gabi saw her crying while reading my last letter and Roley told her she wasn’t gonna see me anymore and Gabi said “I get it, breakups are hard.” Roley said that was funny because we’re not dating. I told her yeah, we’re not dating, but it’s also not the average situationship. When we were leaving the studio, she pointed out the stencil on the wall for the tatt that Carrie got from Mo. I told her she was weird for that. Lol.
We went all the way back to her place, got some more beer, fucked, then hung out briefly before I had to go to the Carissa’s Wierd show. She was being so affectionate and didn’t want me to go. Eventually I left super late, copped a tall boy, grabbed an e-citi bike and trekked to south brooklyn. So goddamn far. It was quite fun though. Got to the dock and ran over a water bottle and fell, lol. These two old women asked me if I was alright. I was fine. That goddamn water bottle. I layed it on thick when I told them I hated these things and don’t live here but needed to be somewhere fast. I got to the show and ran into Jake immediately. I was worried I was gonna be late but I wasn’t at all. OH I forgot to say that before I left for the show, Roley sliced open my thigh with a razor blade and sucked out the blood. There was a lot. I really liked it, actually. But my phone kept getting covered in blood when I put it in my pocket.
I saw that dude Aidan who I met through Kenneth like a year ago. It was cool to see him. I smoked a cig outside with these 2 fools who came all the way from Vancouver for the show. I went back inside and Jake introduced me to his mom, his stepdad (matt brookes), and also jenn champion said hi to him but she wasn’t as enthusiastic about saying hi to me. The show was great. I cried a few times, especially when they played valentine. Great show. Chopped it up with Jake and his roommate after, then left and got a chopped cheese. I took a photo of Jake with matt and jenn, which was dope.
I biked back to Roley’s, another crazy trek. Drank some more beer with her. Jorge had some friends over and we spent a while talking to them. Roley smoked weed and immediately got super tired + a headache. I let the poor thing sleep and trekked to the bus. I got a slice of buffalo chicken pizza cuz I knew I’d be hungry if I didn’t. Didn’t really realize how far I was from the bus. Got 2 modelos (that I definitely didn’t need) and tailed it to the bus. Got on with like 3 minutes to spare. No one sitting next to me. Listened to contain and slept. The bus departed at 1:30AM by the way.
Roley and I woke up in a sweat. It was so hot in her room. Her face was all puffy and her makeup was all smudged. She looked so good. We got ready and went outside to grab a coffee. I distinctly remember shitting before leaving her apt and that made me feel a lot better.
Couldn’t find any really nice trees to climb but there was one that had a beehive inside a hold in one of its branches. Roley was able to get up high enough to stand up and look inside. I don’t know how she did it. It was a really hard tree. She somehow pulled herself up and loafed on the fork in the tree, then pulled herself up. I helped her down (her ass looked really good) and tried to get up myself but couldn’t get a good enough grip. She said we all have different strengths and while I’m better at some trees, she’s better at others. It’s true. Roley’s so smart.
Stopped by CVS on the way back to her place. Racked 4 dispos. Hoping Jeremy’s down to trade me a discount on the tatt or maybe a zine/shirt for them. We got back and I made Roley hash browns and 2 impossible sausages. I used a lot of butter. I hope she was happy. She left to go tattoo.
I showered rq and Jonathan pulled up. I actually had to text something to Roley before leaving rq. Some graphic for her tattoo. She was bummed because she thought she was doing this witch she drew but instead ended up doing these fucking hedgehogs with no color.
Jonathan was wearing pants from the store next to Roley’s apartment. We walked to this albanian restaurant and got coffees and sat outside. We tried to talk about cyclonopedia but I honestly kept derailing the convo. I talked a lot about Roley and how she has been fried a couple times recently and how we’re not gonna see each other anymore.
Sidenote but I have had a very difficult time on the apps recently. Like 100% dry. It’s weird. Maybe I’m a little shadowbanned or went through everyone or something? So wack though. Maybe it’s a sign. It’s funny, I really wanted to get my body count to 50 by the end of the year, which is really stupid, but idk, I just wanted to. Weird.
Jonathan told me this 44 yr-old gay deleuzian Joey apparently is gonna get cancelled cuz he assaulted some dude at a poetry reading this past monday.
We parted ways and I copped a brew before taking the train to Jeremy’s. Drank it pretty fast, then copped another 2 at the store right by his crib before getting to his place.
He got me from outside and led me inside. His place low key stunk of cat piss. He was super down to trade me a zine and shirt for the dispos. He had to run and get some gloves and his wife talked to me for a lil about liver meatballs and escargot and other french shit. I looked through his book of drawings and he had some really sick shit I never saw. I still went with what he drew for me, which was really non-figurative and just a patchwork block type thing. He scratched away and the tatt took very little time. We talked about graff and oakland and the music he was playing off his cassette player (very cool btw). He’ so goated man. Never had an og in this shit, it’s nice to have an older friend who talks about cool stuff that happened over 10 years ago. He said he started scratching in 2013, like he was super early.
We finished before Roley arrived and he showed me Kyle’s new graff video that exp edited. It was so sick. There was super old footage. They were bombing busses in broad daylight and shit, so sick. Jeremy only charged me $150 for the tatt. I venmo'd him $200.
His wife was so nice. Roley was kinda pillin when she got her haha, she was a little strange. She had a delo in her hand. She was so upset about how her tatt went. We started watching a documentary about the titanic that Jeremy had on vhs. Then he went to the store to get a mineragua, and Roley and I came to get some beer. We watched a few minutes of Jack Frost, the old stop motion version, before Jeremy and his wife had to go to this potluck thing. Roley and I got even more beer from the store and she found an abandoned heineken bottle, broke it over a generator type thing, and kept trying to cut me with it, succeeding often. I was getting a little pissed at her.
When we were waiting for the train, I thought it was going in the wrong direction, so we missed it and had to wait another 10 minutes. She got down onto the train tracks and picked off a little number sign denoting the track # or something. I helped her up and she bruised her shin. We got to delancey essex and she did the same thing while we waited to transfer. Ran outside real quick too so we could both piss. Went back into the station and got on the brooklyn-bound F when she realized she didn’t have her phone. She straight up lost it. Some guy threw up at the same time. I took a photo on my dispo. She tried to be chill but it really did suck that she lost her phone. We went all the way back to manhattan and tried to find it for like an hour before giving up, hitting empanada mama, and trekking home. It sucked, we were gonna link so many homies. But we were also both really tired. She kept doing this thing where she went nonverbal and just stared at me. Made me think that she was super mad at me. Carter and Chris really, REALLY got on my nerves. When we got back to her apartment to sleep, she cried. I put on home movies and we cuddled until we both slept. Early night.
Excited to see my sweet Roley. She said she wants to jump into my arms and hopes I fall backwards so we can kiss long and hard on the ground.
Friday collaborator lab meetings are at 10:30am now. I got to the lab a little after 9 because I had to pack. Ended up not needing to do laundry. Fuck I just realized i left a bag with cat litter in it by the door. Fuck. Will play dumb. Say I forgot. It’s fine.
I stopped by CVS on the way to the lab under the guise of picking up my 50mg sertraline (which I did) but I also racked 4 disposable cameras. I’m so good. It’s too easy. A good way to start the day, with one of my favorite passtimes. I updated this and went to cava for a very early lunch. Don’t want to be full later, or need to shit on the bus. I can’t decide if I should drink on the bus or not. I hope it’s not full, it’s the 2pm bus after all.
I keep checking the cat cam, sweet coffee’s sleepy.
I’m excited to read on the bus for a little. I have a ‘just do it’ mentality today. Took me a while to get writing finally. Weird. Brain off, just do.
Roley was on the way to her last day of treatment when her train was stopped because someone jumped in front of the train. She said it’s a sign from the universe. She said it’s a part of a cycle. I asked what cycle and she said everything is replenished: ‘recovery and replace’. I don’t know what that means but I’m gonna think about it. I shouldn’t drink on the bus but I want to.
I left work at like 12:30 and stopped by the convenience store in harvard square and bought 3 modelos. Might not have been the best idea but so be it. I took the red line to south station and got there at 1pm, one hour early for the bus. I saw Terren and locked eyes with him but he pretended not to see me and proceeded. I just drank a modelo and smoked a cigarette while listening to contain on this curb a ways away from the bus terminal entrance.
When the bus took off I read a good amt of cyclonopedia. No one sat next to me, thank god. Drank all those damn modelos and took a nap.
Woke up all excited to see Roley as I was almost in Chinatown but she was being kinda wack about whether she was coming to get me or not. At one point she said “ok gn” classically. She’s so frustrating sometimes. I was grumpy from my nap.
Anyways I got off the bus and she told me to roll a cig for her and wait for her. She walked up to me and jumped in my arms. I slowly fell to the ground and we embraced. I was quicker to get up than she was because I was worried about my bag lying on the ground unattended a couple feet from us. We smoked. She had to pee. We walked to this soccer court and she took a piss by a bench, then I licked the piss off her legs. Tasted like nothing.
We went up on the roof that I went on the night of the minion art show. Someone was letting their friend in right as we walked by. Perfect timing. Walked up all the stairs and got onto the roof. I fucked Roley as she help herself up against the water tower. I came so fucking fast. We continued to smoke. I took a photo of the Pirat throw that bro put up the last time I was up there. Roley was really tired and took a nap.
Eventually we went downstairs and started trekking to her place. We had to be quick to meet her friend Grey at a bar for her birthday, but when we got back we fucked for a while again. I got soft after a while which was weird. I ate her out for a while but she stopped me so we could go. She asked me if I enjoyed it and I said yes, that it was just a biological response not a desire response, but she was weird abt it. We trekked all the way to the bar and her friends weren’t there. It was a really wack bar that was super millenial core and kinda german themed? I don’t know why her friends would have picked a place like that. I’m not huge on most bars, but I just really hate a bar that’s overtly genchy like that.
Roley was kinda mad cuz she’s been trying to prioritize hanging out with her friends. She broke a satrbucks frappuccino bottle and started cutting herself with it. She kept trying to cut me with it too. She cut her neck and I took a photo of it on my dispo and she said that was fucked up of me. I wanted to remember the memory. We just wandered around and eventually trekked to empanada mama. She mentioned how she was tired of walking the same way every day and taking the same route. We finally made it back and knocked pretty hard, if I remember correctly. It was kinda a chaotic night but I was happy to see her.
Yesterday I woke up early for the first time in so long. I aimed for the moon (5am) and landed among the stars (6am), which was still very good. Felt pretty fucking tired at night but I’m trying not to sleep so late anymore. Upping my sertraline dosage soon. Scared. Honestly I don’t wanna do it before I stop seeing Roley. I wanna fuck. I forgot to mention, but the last time I fucked Bella I kept going soft while fucking her. And Bridget hmu outa nowhere and I couldn’t get hard for her AGAIN. It was funny, we just biked to Allston and hung out with Seb and Gus. Seb visited again. I wanna invite Gus next time there’s a function.
Anyways, today I woke up at 6 and snoozed my alarm a million times and finally got up and out the door in time to be at work at ~9:45. No Mark today so I don’t think it mattered. Cleaned embryos, screened, not much else to do at all, so I just racked some mac n cheese from star market and wrote ezra’s movie list:
This is the best thing I can do. Will get back on track. A dark month filled with frustration, inhibition, erectile dysfunction, day drinking (workday drinking), extreme self harm, public sex, phone addiction, no skating, procrastinating replacing my bike tube when I pop a flat, wasting away in my bed instead of socializing, waking up late, and getting to work late. I visited Roley 3 times (including the first visit I wrote about) and she visited me once in Boston. I didn’t know why until much later, but after my last visit to her in New York City, I did something to upset her. She expressed her anger towards me often via text, without saying why, and expressed wanting to tie me up and hurt me when she came to see me. Fortunately that never happened because the last night it was possible, she was too tired. She was too tired for me to eat her out too, which I know she wanted more than anything. We climbed trees in the arboretum. I took photos on the disposable I stole and gave to Alex, which he still hasn’t given back 4 days later. Roley was very sweet and we had a lot of fun. She couldn’t stop smiling. She told me some stories that made me sad. Sex work, ketamine, italian threesomes (that just made me jealous). If only I had a good line. I got so high up in this one tree. I hope the photos turn out good. I am going to take a break to steal some mac and cheese from whole foods. Ok I’m back. Oh yeah, the reason she was mad at me was because we were at Jonathan’s bar and Ezra gave me a call and she said “yeah u should probably answer that” so I thought it was fine but it turns out she was really bummed. And then when she visited me in boston (this is before i knew she was mad about me picking up ezra’s call), we were having a great time, then on the bus i went to check my phone and she saw i got a text from ezra and she said ‘can you not text ezra while im here’ then here whole tone changed and she started talking about whether i was gonna stay up late enough for her and how she was gonna come back to mine at like 2am, and I was all confused. I dropped her off at Kalima’s place and right after she posted a photo of herself pissing on her close friends story (this is right after we had a lovely time climbing in the arboretum) with the caption “imagine showing up like this for money”. I knew she wanted to make me mad but that was fucked up. I called her or she called me at one point and I told her that it sounded like she was gonna fuck some other guy and she just said “why would you think that?” So fried. I went to Charles’ party with isaac and she told me her plans fell through and she’d meet me at my apt. When she got home I was standing on the 2nd floor porch smoking a cigarette waiting for her. She looked so drunk that she was stumbling, but she told me she was just stepping on the leaves. She came upstairs and I asked her if she was upset because I got a text from Ezra and she said yeah. I told her if she wanted to make money and fuck some guy she shoulda just told me and that I wouldn’t have stopped her. I asked her if she wanted me to see her story on purpose and she said yes. Her voice sounded sweet. I fell for it, even though what she did that night was fried. She missed the party. It was a great party, we shoulda stayed. We wanted to go see hypelies spin at the middle east for free and we took the electronic citi bikes so we could zoom over there from teele square, but i forgot i had a beer in my bag and the bouncer wouldn’t let me in. So fucked. I hung out with Dru n Rich before going to Charles’ party too. They lmk about that event tn. It’s funny, charles looked so bummed that isaac and i were leaving just as he started spinning. Dude’s fucked me over sm IDGAF. Ok so basically it was halloween when my conversations with Ezra resparked. I think I told them I bought my plane tickets to seattle, then I also asked if i could book a tatt with them. They just responded with a photo of themselves in their lady rainicorn costume, pink-faced, and text that read ‘i’m a lady today hehe’. They’re funny. They have a habit of completely ignoring my previous text and it gets on my nerves. I just can’t think of how someone does that not gonna lie. Like completely ignoring????? wtf. It’s ok. Anyways this was really out-there cuz they broke their 2 years of sobriety on halloween night and got (in their opinion) super drunk. They kept talking about wanting to kiss me etc. Over time we called and chatted on the phone here and there, sometimes more awkward than others, and they talked about wanting to fuck, etc, but also they’re shy because they haven’t slept with very many people. They talked about previous partners being weird and recent people they’ve kinda been seeing sucking. Awkward, but they didn’t mind my prying. They’re strange. I don’t like the way they text. The other day they called me “stinker” and it sent a shiver down my spine. They said that previous people have misconstrued the status of the situation by the way they act. They seem affectionate. I do really wanna grip their sides. They’re pretty sexy. They looked a lot different in real life than I thought they would. I guess makeup makes a difference. They’re crafty. Not to compare people but I think I like Roley’s style more. It’s more like, her art, yknow? I think Ezra does hella customs, which puts food on the table I guess, but I’m not as big on Ezra’s art. I miss philly. It’s nice I’ve hung out with Jonathan so much lately. I’ve seen him every trip, usually multiple times. We started reading cyclonopedia by Reza Negarestani together. It’s been hard, not gonna lie. He has so many full days off and mornings off where he can just do his thing. He said he basically devotes all day to reading when he reads and that’s how he gets through these long chapters. It’s so hard for me to do anything after 5pm. We facetimed last wednesday 251105 to discuss and it made it so much easier to comprehend. Our notes:
nemat - space
( )hole: hole punched through w. parenthesis looks like a hole.
deleuze & guattari: new earth.
imanence: deleuze’s concept of talking about phenomenology. different between real and virtual.
negarestani doesn’t distinct oil in the ground from oil used by mankind - makes me think of all hydrophobic materials
pores being gates between the inside and outside
solid relies on void but void doesn’t need solid. holes: injecting void into solid.
whole earth is nemat-space, and inscribed surface (deleuzian inscription), surface of the earth being inscribed with marks of action
surface is a very small-scale and flat perimeter, can’t really make change, so exploring nemat-space
technocapitalist west vs jihadist east: both being controlled by much bigger underground force
oil is alive and it contorlling geopolitics
oil being made form dead things: ancient plants and animals
negarestani wrote the manuscript and turned into zzzzz
watch the thing
unknown force acting out its will without us knowing
deleuze & guattari: all of human history has been a containment mechanism to stop history from happening. maybe negarestani thinks all of human history has kept oil a secret until now.
solidus: the regime of the solid, as opposed to where oil reigns, like nemat space
difference between a maze and a labyrinth. a maze is meant to be finished, but a labyrinth isn’t. labyrinths are true containment mechanisms. theseus and the minotaur. a maze stays the same and is used to test intelligence because it’s solvable. a labyrinth isn’t meant to be solved. mazes are quizzes but labyrinths are traps. we need to include a maze in our manifesto.
why do deleuze and guattari think of artaud
vermicular space: like a worm in form or movement
So we were supposed to meet yesterday, 251112, and discuss the next ~100 pages, but I pushed to thursday, then I got home from the lab at like 9pm because I met nate at artist’s asylum, this maker’s space, so they could give me a phage figurine they 3D printed. That was nice. Earlier in the day I got wings at Lulu’s, then went to orchard and Mae gave me a pair of last resorts with the cupsole they didn’t want. For free. They don’t look that sick but I’m a lucky duck.
Roley’s entering a DBT program, which I guess is ‘dialectical behavior therapy’. Apparently it grew out of failures to apply CBT to chronically suicidal people. Apparently it’s supposed to work for substance abuse as well. The reason I bring this up is because in a kind of information session/interview for this program, they told Roley she will need to distance herself from people who do not 100% serve her needs. That’d be me. Oh she gave me a tattoo above my dick that says ‘fucktoy’ in script by the way. So she talked about how it’ll be too late to see how it looks with my pubes grown out. i asked what she meant and she was like ‘well im gonna go to chicago’. And I was like, well you’re coming back to new york right?’ And she just kinda tweaked out and said ‘yeah! yeah! mhm!’ cuz she was high. She’s frustrating when she’s high, I’ll give her that. So anyways, she said that her coming to visit me in boston at the end of November will be the last time we’ll see each other. Very sad but I’m happy for her. That’s why she was saying she wouldn’t see my pubes grow out. So cryptic. I also don’t believe her. She likes me so much damn. The scenario of her getting to Boston was so funny. Starts here: Weekend prior, Roley used Mo (yes Nick’s ex Mo)’s studio to tatt. Roley and I were chilling at Jonathan’s bar (after ezra called me) and she was sitting on my lap when Mo snuck up behind me to collect the key from Roley. We really awkwardly chatted and caught up. She brought up “Nicky” a few times. Anyways, Roley was gonna use the studio again Friday night 251107, but her trade cancelled (fortunately, so she could visit) but when she got to the bus the uber courrier wasn’t fucking working. She ran into boris last minute and got him to try to wait for the courrier. It just never came for some reason so Roley payed Boris to give the studio key to Mo in-person. Roley’s phone died so I had to help coordinate the drop off, which happened at Ruby’s art show. Roley gave me her bus # before her phone died and I was able to track it online. It was late, which was fortunate, cuz I was talking to Jupps for a long time before leaving the house and was worried I was gonna miss it. I wanted to take a blue bike but my card wasn’t working, so I had to catch a lyft. Also I popped my flat after Dru’s show in central the night before halloween. It was right at the brighton mcdonalds. what i get for getting mcdonalds. I just rammed into a curb like a drunk idiot. Maisey was at that show, and her friend who clearly didn’t like me, and we saw DJ Sluggo from chicago spin. He was dope. Also this girl I matched with on Hinge was there and I tried spitting game but was really drunk. Her sister was there. She was cute, sad. I snuck in a 6 pack of miller high lifes into the show. Got so drunk. I was already drunk before the show. Anyways, that’s neither here nor there. I didn’t need to wait too long before Roley’s bus arrived. She was happy to see me there. She jumped up into my arms and we kissed. We helped the person sitting next to her figure out where her train was, then we walked to an alleyway so I could drink her piss from the back, then eat her out. Then we fucked for a long time. The same guy walking his dog walked by many times. No one else cared we were fucking. Then we went back to my place and fucked more. Recently, mainly this past week, I’ve been leaving work on my lunch break, etc, to daydrink in the park. And when I get off work I need to drink on the way home/before getting on the bus. I disgust myself. This has only gotten worse. Upping zoloft dosage to 25mg has done nothing, but yesterday I forgot to take it until late at night and I felt fucking awful. Roley and i have had a lot of public sex. I have supplied her with more of my cum, collected in tubes. She has cut herself and I have drank the blood while jerking off. She has slapped me to the point where my face is sore days later. I also slap her hard. She tries to punch me but her aim and form are bad. She punched me in the nose once and I could hear my cartilege. I walked around guiding her with my finger in her ass. I slapped her in front of two men on the sidewalk and when one was like “yooo that’s abuse” I let her do the same back to me. In the train station some kids walked by saying the same thing: “abuse!” Little scooter kids. I drank her piss from the back. It’s my favorite because I can smell her asshole. I like the way it smells. I like her feet now too. I didn’t jerk off for a week and I was so convinced that when I saw her she’d be able to make me cum with her feet. Actually, when she came to get me, it was midday on Saturday. It was 251101. I decided to take an early Saturday bus. I got to her apartment and she was still asleep. It took her forever to come get me. When she finally opened her door, barefoot, wearing nothing but her pink nightgown, she looked like she had been asleep for days and finally woke up. Face all puffy, wrinkled, and scrunched up. Makeup smudged all over. Dried blood caking the perimeter of her nostrils from snorting k. I don’t think she ever looked sexier or I’ve ever been hornier. It became pretty obvious that I couldn’t cum from her feet, though, so I put my dick inside her. I came in her mouth. Fucking her feet first made her pussy smell insane. It smelled so fucking bad (good). I loved it so much.
I constantly oscillate between self destruction + self harm and living productively and healthily. It’s like the negative parts aren’t as fun without the pink cloud of being a good boy, and the responsible, healthy periods mean nothing if not compared to periods of depravity.
I hate the feeling of being cramped and cooped up in that bus for hours. Sometimes it’s too hard to do anything productive like read or even listen to a podcast so I just close my eyes and try to forget I’m there. Hurting my ears with extended exposure to poorly mixed music. It’s worth it, though. I’m making the most of my freedom and traveling more. It makes me feel good. It’s worth the hassle. I said “I’ve come to visit you three times. It’s your turn.” and she said “But I’m pretty!”
Maybe because of COVID we feel like we have less of a chance to explore our interests so we want to do it now. Like with Carrie dumping me, I feel like “Ok, nice! It’s time for it to be about me!” I don’t have this inscribed life path any more. I’m approaching a time of transition. It’s a maze again, so I might as well try hard to do what I enjoy and accomplish my tasks.
I had a dream I was in a mall with Roley and Abby Esch was there. I always thought Roley looked a little like Abby. I didn’t tell her that part of the dream. I had a dream that I was hanging out with Carrie and I think we were in Europe or something, brick roads, and the dialogue went something like this: Arman: It was a good decision to break up. Carrie: Yeah. Arman: But I don’t regret anything. I learned a lot. Do you regret it? Carrie: Yeah.
Weird dream.
I turned 26 on 251106. I let my license expire. I believed I was cut off from my Mom’s health insurance. Roley upset me by saying I should come visit her in Chicago in January when I’m on my way back from Seattle, then taking it back. That made me really sad. I did not have a very good birthday. I stayed at work til late. Got yume though!
I’m sorry to myself for missing a month of writing, but maybe it makes the end of the year more interesting.
I want extended meditation. That’s the way out of this: the race, the spectacle.
New working title for zine: 1,000 Never-Ending And Unbearably Long Goodbyes: Synthesized from Daily Journal Entries 2025
So we got some empanadas. From the bookstore around the corner. Also got a coffee. Went back to Roley’s even though she wanted to do something. I started to feel really horrible insane acid reflux so after we got back we just lied down.
We watched some 12oz mouse, which Dan put me on to. I thought it was fun. Eventually I started to feel better. Thank fucking god. I think Roley had something she had to do and she left me alone to just lie in her bed for a while. It was good timing honestly. It got in the way. Maybe it’s because I waited too late to take my zoloft.
Eventually I felt better and Roley came back and we headed to Williamsburg (I think?) to check out this clothing brand “women’s history museum”’s exhibit at this gallery space with Jonathan and his sister. Roley and I went into the bathroom and I pissed in between her legs while we waited for Jonathan and his sister. Then we went outside and waited some more.
Jonathan, his sister, and his sister’s friend pulled up. I will never remember his sister’s name. His sister’s friend was wearing a playboi carti shirt, which was funny. There really is a big difference between being in your early 20s and mid-20s huh.
I liked the exhibit. Women’s History Museum did some weird stuff. I actually really liked the video playing. The model was so hot, obviously besides the point but she was. It was all very raw and seemed like an assembled collage. I really got put on to some good stuff.
There was another exhibit going on in the second gallery. It was hard to comprehend that all the art was made by the same artist because it all seemed aesthetically different. Roley asked the employee watching over the gallery what materials were used. It’s so nice she isn’t afraid of shit like that. Seems like small potatoes, right? That’s not the right phrase, actually. Seems like it should be obvious. But idk, she’s just inquisitive.
The plan after all that was to eat some mexican food. We walked and talked somewhat awkwardly, idk why, and picked up some road sodas, and eventually got to this mexican spot that clay, august, and juliette were meeting us at. Roley went in to use the bathroom and I asked jonathan what he thought of her. He commented my wrist was kinda crazy and I said that yeah, she likes to burn me.
We were discussing movies and Jonathan and Roley discussed Anora. They had some disagreement I think. I watched the movie like a week later and I don’t think she ever loved Vanya.
Eventually everyone finally pulled up and I got birria tacos and Roley got one single cactus taco. I ate a piece of cactus and it tasted good. Like a bell pepper kinda. Roley was not thrilled that a lot of the convos revolved around people who everyone but her knew. What a shame. Whatever. Anyways.
Updating 250613: long story short, we went to the show and carter and chris pulled up and i saw jack kerwin and i gave jonathan his stimpy figuring missing a hand and roley and i made out passionately for a very long time and tried to tie cherry stems in to knots with our tongues which iw as very good at but she couldn’t figure out. we saw ethan nelly and kit at a bar after the show, which was really cool and the roof was fun. also saw lily from college and talked to her for a while. lily rowe i think? her friend whose birthday celebration it was was bad. so much, ergh, so hard to remember.
I love waking up next to her. It’s one of the main things I miss while we’re apart.
She was slow to get up but I wanted to get a coffee. We went to this random ass place called nomad around the corner from her apartment. We also went to this bookstore on her block. Ran into Pat Doran outside. What a crazy coincidence. We passed by some people doing a yardsale outside their apartment. It’s their dance apparel company. They were cool. We walked by this little inlet driveway inhabited by puerto rican-owned shops, where a pair of twins operate workshops. One is obsessed with elvis and invited us into his ‘man cave’ where he screens old movies. The other twin, much more serious but with longer hair, collects toys.
Roley and I walked to maria hernandez park. We found a plastic transparent window insert on the street that had both a faerie and mitts tag on it. We carried it to the park, then back to Roley’s apartment. At the park we climbed a tree which was a very fun moment. I helped her down cuz she was scared. We saw a poster advertising a ~$10 flash deal from this bushwick tattoo artist and Roley decided to get one. She hit the artist up. She had to go to the post office and on the way there I called Pat. He said he, arthur, and boris were having a function later and that I should come through. Roley was down. I was supposed to get tatted by Jeremy at 7:30 though.
Roley and I killed some time and eventually went to this show she told me about that was in he homies’ apartment. Her homies Claire and Charlie. Claire was a tall mustachio’d trans woman with a septum piercing, thick-rimmed glasses, and pink hair. Charlie was a short, clammy trans dude who barely uttered a word. Apparently he had some kind of collapse the day before, which isn’t good at all. Reminds me of Carrie’s stuff, scary. Apparently Charlie’s a stripper. Don’t mean to be rude but he’s chopped.
Everyone was really nice though and they had a really fun roof, just tenderqueer acoustic guitar vibes. Coulda been worse. Could been far better. I was bummed to leave Roley, but hyped to get tatted and chop it up with Jeremy. She let’s me touch her all the time. She likes it.
Just as I stepped out the door, Jeremy texted me that he had some kinda issue with his machine and has to reschedule. I was so bummed. I also didn’t wanna re-enter the show. I just went upstairs to the roof and called Pat, then Jonathan. We figured out we’d see each other at some point in the night. Roley also had a friend of a friend, I forget her name so let’s call her F, coming through. Some spanish art girl. Off rip I could tell she thought I was retarded. After this girl from Suny-Purchase performed (best act because she did a xiu xiu cover) we decided to leave. Roley likes when I pee through her legs while she pees. We did it in the bathroom. Roley, F, and I walked to the liquor store. Roley bought the modelos this time. What a gem. There was an outside cat, which we passed by on the way to the show and was really cute, fighting with the indoor bodego cat. I forgot to say that on the way to the show we got some beer and the guys in the store let us in the back to wash our hands. The back was really gross and had flies. Decrepit bodega. Man I miss her so much.
Drank some beers on the sidewalk while waiting for the bus and got to know this girl F. She was studying art or something and knows this tattoo artist from Italy who Roley knows. We decided to just go to Pat, Boris, and Arthur’s. I had only drank one coffee this day. Not good.
Y’know, Roley told me that arthur liked her on hinge and said ‘hi neighbor’ or something like that. Not very chill, not gonna lie, not very chill.
It was good to see those fools again. Arthur was sleeping in the basement, it was so funny, he had a thin ass mattress on the floor. He had his clothes everywhere. He had a huge like, jamaican flag or something up on his wall. Anyways we mobbed for a while and chopped it up, pretty segregated for the most part. On the stoop it was a little more democratic. Arthur talked about how he’s usually unable to nut with new sexual partners, F talked about how she thinks a 16-24 age gap is acceptable and americans are too sensitive about age gaps, and Pat told me about his new job doing some kinda installations. These dudes who lived above them pulled up, most riding fixed, smoking weed and offered some to everyone. Roley took a hit so I did too. Wouldn’t realize until much later that it would be my downfall.
We went to the store to get some more beer and I started feeling really fucking drunk. As we got back, Roley and F were leaving. I kinda knew this would happen. I had a feeling. I knew Roley felt a little vibed out, but I’d find out later she was actually super drunk. I chopped it up with Pat, Arthur, and Boris more. They made me a coffee to try to keep me up, then Roley texted me that she just went home. I totally thought she was just gonna go to a bar alone with F or something. I told the dudes that I probably had to just go home to make sure she didn’t fall asleep on me. So I said my goodbyes, drunkenly, then walked 30min to Roley’s place.
I stopped at a deli for the worst turkey sandwich of my life. Made my night a lot worse. Got back to Roley’s finally and she wouldn’t answer the phone. I called so many times. I went around to the other side of her building and realized if I hopped 2 fences, then somehow climbed up to the fire escape, I could tap her window and wake her up. This was gonna be hard though, since the first fence was taller than me by a lot, and corrugated metal, so it was sharp. I had to ball up my hoodie so as to not cut myself and get over the fence. After I did, I realized how absolutely horrible it’d be if I were caught in this backyard, and hopped back out. I ended up just sleeping on the stoop of the building next to Roley’s for an hour before she finally woke up and came to get me.
She had such a cute, sorry look on her face. She expected me to be mad at her, but I wasn’t. I was really happy to be inside though, that’s for sure. It would have been pretty cold outside. Fell asleep at like 1am. Very early night.
Was so excited to see Roley I could shake.
Took the bus to work.
Took a long lunch break where I went to Perry Park and drank a modelo tall boy while finally writing a letter back to Roley. The contents: unrecorded. But this is bad. I was ditching work to drink. Starting to get scared. Dan needed me to take an early train to him as well, since he needed to change his car’s oil or something. I did. I’d like to say I read the accursed share on this train ride, like I did on the last one, but I didn’t. I got another tall boy which I drank on the ride. I smoked a cig on the platform before the train arrived. And when I got off, I smoked another cig while waiting for Dan. He was on the phone with his mom when I got in the car, then we drove to the oil change place.
Dan talked shit about the people at the wedding the day before but said it was good. The guy at the oil place was like “You want a burger? Want fries?” Thinking he was so funny. We were finally off. He kept blasting metalcore music, I couldn’t focus. Just chopped it up and talked shit the whole drive. It does go by faster than the bus, that’s for sure.
I told him how close Roley’s place was to his and he was down to drop me off. He took a wrong turn that added like 30 minutes to the commute though.
Finally arrived and Roley came outside to greet me. I was so happy to see her. We hugged, then made out. We sat on the neighboring stoop for a second then went inside her place. It’s pretty nice. Kinda prefab but nice. Weird. We got in her room and I split her open. I was certainly the aggressor. Later, she pointed all the red dots on her eyelids to me, and said it was from me choking her. I think this time I came in her mouth. I really wanted to cum down her throat but couldn’t really get deep enough. She’s so good at taking it either way though. She was mad I shaved the day before though, since both my facial hair and my pubes were sharp. Oh yeah, that’s what I did.
I told her how much I missed her pussy. It had been less than a week but I needed it. We decided to go out after, to the bar across the street, Aunt Ginny’s. A few Gansetts. OH. I was supposed to hang out with Bella last night. I told Roley “plans”. Then at some point in the early evening she said “don’t fuck anyone else tonight cmon”. I wasn’t really sure why she said that cuz well, I assume she had her legs open for anyone 24/7. But I told Roley I thought it was funny she told me that. And I told her I didn’t fuck anyone (I told Bella I was puking everywhere). Roley said she knew because she’s psychic and that I should know to wait 3 days. “3 days?” I said. She said I should know that. I got her mad at me. She kept gripping me and scratching me. I like her. Outside we smoked a cigarette and I slapped her. She was pretty mad. Mainly cuz it was unexpected she said. They she slapped me like 5 times. I liked it a lot. I like when she hits me. It’s never hard enough. We went back to her place and slept. I like curling up close with her now. I always miss it.
Another Wing Wednesday.
It was raining cats and dogs all day. I took the bus to work and it was packed. Last night, Roley got sad that it took me so long to get home. She was really horny. At the lab, I couldn’t keep my boner down. She sexts so much. I had so much anticipation built up for seeing her. I love her. I actually ran up to the bathroom and came again in the 5ml tube I had for her. I asked this research assistant for a spare vial and he gave it to me, and I transferred the cum from the 5ml tube to the vial and labeled it “Arman’s Cum”. She was happy that I came for her while I was at work. She’s kinda taking over my life a little. She showed me the scab on her hand from where I burned her with a cigarette and it looked so gross. I peeled the scab off my wrist and sent her a photo. She told me to save it for her, which I did.
Ezra texted me that they will be around in Seattle when I plan on visiting, but that they started seeing someone recently. What a shame. I’d still like to be homies though.
Jeremy sent me some flash from his book. Nothing really stood out to me so I didn’t respond yet.
I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT ELSE I DID IM SORRY. I’M SORRY TO MYSELF. Maybe I watched a fucking movie or something, I don’t know.
I woke up really early and got to work early. I brought my blueberries with me. Roley forgot her laptop charger apparently so she wants me to wait until tomorrow to get that from her apartment too. That works because I don’t wanna tire myself out too much that I can’t skate.
Boring work day. Lab meeting went long, but fine. I talked to Roley a lot. As per usual. I wanted to make it a $0 day, and I thought about how I have arugula, garlic hummus, and chicken sausage at home, so I biked to my place for lunch. Wanted to eat lunch early so I could digest before skating. I ate the rest of the arugula, two chicken sausages, with hummus. I cleaned Coffee’s food and water bowls + did the dishes too. Drank a coffee meanwhile. I went back to work and ate my blueberries.
Boring, boring, boring. Left work at like 3:30. I honestly got in so early, at like 7:30, so I didn’t feel fried leaving early.
I skated to porter square station. CG sent a mix for ‘she’s so cutty’ and it sounded alright. The vocals were too quiet but they said they’d fix that. On the train I read a lot of the accursed share. The section about sacrifice and potlach. Excited to read part 3 about muslim society. It is so dumb that the french still spelled it ‘moslem’ when the book was written.
Got off the train and dan still wasn’t there, even though it was like 10 minutes late. He pulled up and dillon was there in the front seat. I felt calm and couldn’t hear anything they were saying. I was feeling tired as shit not gonna lie. We drove to acton park.
So many scooter kids and fried bmx guys. Was kinda annoying. The park sucks too. I landed all my tricks, some kinda janky, some kinda slow, and a really really wack varial heel.
updating 251015:
Well, it’s been exactly one week since updating the site. Very unfortunate, and it’s been quite a wild week. It’s been fun but it’s gotten bad. alcoholism at an all time high. I keep leaving work to drink, then coming back. The main thing is my room being all gross, to be honest.
back to it: Well, I landed a nosegrind 180 out but it took a very, very long time. It feels like if I try to do a longer nosegrind, I try to slowly 180 out, and it’s not possible because the wheel that’s on the ledge starts turning sideways, and the friction is too much, so it stops me where I am. Those curved ledges, and I don’t mean curved horizontally, but they have an upwards lip at the end, were fun, but hard to hit. They’re on proper sidewalk with cracks, making it more difficult to get comfortable speed and set up. Dillon just kept wanting to fucking leave. Not gonna lie, he knew we were tryna skate, so idk why he was so bummy and wanted to leave so bad. Like, he shouldn’t have come if he didn’t want to be at the skatepark for a while.
We ended up leaving the park and dan figured out he wanted a burrito. We passed by a liq and I asked dan if he could let me hop out rq, it was a red light, and granted I waited too long to notice there was a liq right next to us because I was texting Roley, i was still bummed he said something like ‘nah man you don’t need to drink’. Like breh I do. It’s sad but rn I do. Thank god apollo said ‘i also kinda wanna drink a beer’ later on in the drive. It prompted dan to stop at the same convenience store we’d been to in the past, which is super overpriced.
Before that, we stopped at this absolutely fried burrito place. The saving grace was that it was $9 for a burrito. No tip. Didn’t have cash so what was I supposed to do? The burrito was so fucking bad. I got no rice and it felt better. Apollo ragged on me but I explained the carb on carb thing. There was some funny joke we made while eating in the outdoor spot. It might have been “Let’s Get Bitches Together, Queen”.
We went back to tebi’s place and his dad was there. I introduced myself and said “Hi, I’m Arman.” In an accent that was not quite as obvious, but similar to my father’s he said “Oh, Arman, I remember you,” thinking that Tebi had mentioned me to him before. Apparently, later, Tebi told him I was persian and he said “Why didn’t you tell me?!?!” the screechy voice dan made while imitating him was funny, like ren from ren and stimpy.
ok this is it. i need to update every day today. 251020. Enough is enough.
Well, we stayed at Dan’s for a very long time. I drank a lot of modelos. His dad said “better than bud light.” Dillon and Dan made beats and I low key just did absolutely nothing on the couch. Not productive at all. I was so tired. And to hang out longer, I missed the 8pm train, meaning the 10pm was the next available one. Dillon said he’d drive me home instead. But this was funny because either way, we left after the 10pm train anyways. I was so fucking schlump. Dan wanted to play with his dumbass VR headset and kept trying to get me to play but I didn’t really care, and Dillon was obsessed with the graffiti game. Anyways, it was fine but I was not in the mood. It’s been almost 2 weeks but I remember, you know? Like I look back on this not really being a very fun day. Dillon drove me to alewife and I was so bempty. I couldn’t be fucked. Took the train as fast as possible to porter, then skated as fast as possible to the liquor store, which was gonna close in like 3 minutes. Got 2 modelo tall boys because I’m an alcoholic. Got my bike from the lab and jetted home.
I can’t remember what I did, but I doubt it was anything interesting. Knocked, I’m sure. Alcoholism. It’s gotten so bad.
I woke up early and got to work early. I ate some blueberries before going to the lab and they made me hungry. I asked Tebi if he’d rather skate tomorrow. Thank god he said he was down for that. I need to clean and organize my room/the apartment or I’ll lose my mind.
My wrist is all gross. I went to whole foods and got a muffin and a kombucha. My stomach hurt from the previous day’s eats. A lot actually. I’m overeating a lot right now. I screened fish and did my usual bullshit alienating tasks. I feel alienated. I went back to whole foods to steal a piece of fried chicken and get a caesar salad. I don’t know why I was so hungry. Maybe anxiety. I finished updating my site.
Had a meeting with my psychiatrist. Talked about how I was experiencing no change at all. She told me to up my dose to a full one. I told her I’d give it one more week then do that. I’m still afraid of being unable to cum. Made plans with Bella to hang out on Wednesday. Her place, which is nice. I left work really early. Like 3:30,l although it’s fine, I got to work at 8. What’s not fine is that I biked straight to the wine & cheese cask and bought a modelo tall boy. Biked to Perry Park and drank it while reading The Accursed Share. I got eaten alive by mosquitoes. I talked to Roley a lot. She said she had a date tonight. Wish it were me.
They need to put her other snake down, Milo. If she didn’t hate her husband before, this was the nail in the coffin. She asked me why I disappear and don’t respond to her at night. I feel demoralized. I’m ashamed at myself. She said she likes how I use my time, but I feel like I always waste it. I said I want to use it better and she asked how. Eventually I biked home, drank more beer, did my laundry. I got the squirt out of my sheets. Her pillow already stopped smelling like her, which made me sad, but her towel still does. I’m obsessed and can’t stop thinking about her. I organized my room a decent amount.
Biked to carter’s to plit 2 modelo tall boys and some cigarettes. I drank so fucking much wow. And if anything I’m more anxious than usual. I love chopping it up with carter. Always brightens my mood to be in his presence. Don’t know what I’d do without him, or rather what I will do without him after I move. Roley told me to start applying to jobs. I feel like everything is in relation to this girl now, which is kinda fried, but everyone knows how infatuated I get. We get along really well so I think, moreso hope it’s granted. I think my writing is better and comes out easier after reading more consistently these past few days. Feels more lucid.
I made it to Trader Joe’s right before they closed. Sean was there. I haven’t skated with him in a little. I wish I were just skating Allston tomorrow instead of Acton. Acton’s so whatever. It’ll give me a chance to read on the train though. A nice change of scenery.
They had the garlic hummus again, thank god. Only 1 left, funny enough. I ate it with the carne asada microwave burritos, actually a great combination. I certainly didn’t need to, but I ate both frozen burritos. Why? I don’t know. I drank and watched futurama until I fell asleep. No beer tomorrow. I remember my therapist saying “you only need t get through today”, but I only think about the future. I only worry about the future. I should up my zoloft dose. It’s too bad these things take time. I need to write Roley’s letter and a new anagram and find some little tchotchkes or knick knacks for her too. I forgot she asked me to go pick up her jewelry from cleveland the back porch of her husband’s apartment, oh my god, so fried. That’ll take a chunk out of my day tomorrow and tire me out.
I woke up at like 6:30. Pretty much jetted out immediately. It was cold. I wasn’t tryna bike all the way, like 40min, to the lab. I just biked to a dunkin, I mean I would have rather gotten a coffee and breakfast at another spot, but dunkin was the only place open nearby, and got a $6 meal deal. Figured I’d take the blue line to the orange line and bike from sullivan to harvard. I got out of sullivan square and realized i didn’t have my zoloft with me, so I had to jet home. Went through central square.
After i took my zoloft I kinda just schlumped. I left for the lab super late and didn’t brush my teeth or shower or anything. I did some injections then, around 12pm, biked to yume. Long line. Unexpected not gonna lie. Listened to subliminal jihad. I should have brought my book. Missed opportunity, I felt so dumb. Eventually I finally got inside and got my 9/10 spicy ramen and It was a lot. I shoulda skipped that $6 meal deal earlier and just drank a coffee. I felt pretty shitty after. I went to diesel for a coffee after. It was good and Russian-Mongolian alex was working there. I missed that dude. I told him to text me because I lost his # in an old phone.
I went to comicaze and wanted to buy a stimpy figurine for Jonathan. The card minimum was $10 so I had to buy 3 gogos crazy bones to make it all work. If only I had cash. There was a cool yard sale going on nearby that was cash-only too. I just went back to the lab and put all my ducks in a row and biked home. Drank so much beer. Cooked a steak. Finished licorice pizza and it sucked. Fell asleep early.
I woke up and sexted my lovely Roley. I forgot that on Thursday 251002 she had me slap her ass until it was red and it left a little bruise but not too much. I went to take a picture of my dick and there were so many marks on it. On friday 251003 for a moment she sucked me off to get me hard enough to take pictures with her polaroid. They turned out good. You could see her spit all over my dick. She liked the photo of my fucked up burned wrist. She said she had to make space in her wallet but I told her to keep those two polaroids in it though.
I did absolutely fuck all this morning. Eventually, in the afternoon, I stopped by the lab and set up some fish. Not that many, but whatever. I went to the park and tried to read more of the accursed share. I listened to a podcast about it so I think I understand it more now. I understand that the tiger is a symbol of excess. I read on prospect hill and drank 3 modelos from a 6 pack. It was nice. Ireenie asked me to hang out. It was strange. I wonder why. So I went home and drank until it was time for me to trek to her.
I left my place at like 8:15 and biked all the way to eastie, past encore and through chelsea and shit. It was kinda freaky at night. She wanted to meet at this bar Eddie C’s and they were waiting outside. They’re not very pretty. I kissed her when I pulled up and she was kinda awkward. I asked if they wanted to just go drink in the park and we did. I liked that part. For some reason I said ‘we’re in southie’ and they were like ‘no we’re not, we’re in eastie’. I probably seemed so dumb. Brain fart. I asked what they wanted to do after and they wer ebeing kinda koy but eventually they told me I could come over if I wanted to, which I did. I tried to kiss them again as we were leaving and they said ‘come on’ and pulled me, as if they were super anti-pda or something.
We walked to their place. Really nice actually. Great view, super new, bigass porch. Their dog piper is really cute. She’s like 9 years old apparently but really small. We smoked on the porch. I told her about my hand, just saying it got burned. She asked if there were any details and I said no. Then I caved and just told her it was from cooking, which wasn’t true. She’s so awkward. Or they sorry. Their porch was so clean. I told them I started zoloft then they said they were off their meds. They hated Wellbutrin. I asked if it made them horny and they said yes. I asked them if we could kiss and they said yeah. They took me into their room. Small but nice, Basically just enough room for a bed. I fucked them and then realized I had to piss, then the dog kept interrupting, but eventually she stopped. She sucked my dick until I came, then said ‘yayyy’ after, which I thought was pretty insane. I ate them out and they came. We knocked for a little, then I thought like 30 minutes later (it was actually like 4:30am) they asked if I wanted to kiss. They just really like kissing me I guess. I told them “I’m surprised you still wanted to hang out. I don’t want to be an asshole to you” and they said “then don’t be an asshole.” I’m not gonna stop. I fucked them and came. Kinda surprised. They’re kinda fat, like definitely bigger than the last time I saw them, but their pussy’s really tight. It grips me hard. Then I ate them out again and they came again. We knocked.
Moving day. Sad. I got up and drank a coffee and let her sleep in a little. Eventually I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her awake saying “wake up wake up wake up!” She told me she likes that. She didn’t wash her face or brush her teeth. Her fit was insane. These random ass green celtics sweatpants and a lighter green tank. So funny. She’s funny. It was almost like a costume. Sometimes she actually looks like brittany murphy in spun. I like it.
We caught an uber to westie and hit the auto body shop that rents penske trucks. Took so long to rent cuz the guy working there, I assume the owner, kept giving us his life story. He said he has a conspiracy theory that they used COVID to get rid of all cash transactions. We talked about how homeless people put their venmos on signs instead of asking for cash. He said he had two daughters and was going through a divorce. Roley told him she was going through one as well. He said some new england type thing like ‘aw sorry kiddo’.
It actually took so long for us to take off. I was hungry so in the mean time I walked across the street to cvs and checked out one cliff bar and stole another one + some neosporin.
We eventually finally took off. The guy said bye to us and looked at me when he said ‘good luck’, then turned to Roley and said ‘have fun in new york.’ It’s weird because he didn’t get my name or really say a word to me. When we got in the truck she said it was weird that he said good luck to me and thought it was because she said she’s divorced. I said that maybe he just assumed we’re homies and she said ‘yeah right.’ We went to chase bank and she parked horribly but just deposited some cash.
We got to her place and started drinking white claws her husband left in the fridge and I started moving the big stuff to the truck. She smelled really bad actually. I liked it a lot. As if her fit weren’t good enough she threw on some floral gucci-esque slides so her purple glittery stripper toes were out. It was fried fit friday. We smoked cigarettes that were her husband’s too. She let me take knick knacks. My burn was honestly making my hand hurt a lot. It was all wet and swollen. She found some wrap I could use around it and that helped. I was just worried it’d get dirty and infected.
Everything that went into moving was kind of a blur. There were these chinese guys renovatig an upstairs apartment the whole time and they moved shit in and out at the same time I was trying to bring stuff to the truck, so it was a little inconvenient. We smoked by the truck. I told Roley ‘you’re the best you’re the best, show me that chest’. She lifted up her green tank and let me fondle her puffy tits next to the truck. I like her. She lifted up her arm inviting me to smell her armpit. She smelled bad but not really. Her armpit hair is really elegant. It’s in a nice shape.
We drove to my place. She put her snakes in two pillowcases and I rode with them on my lap. Bones pissed and shit all over me. I took off my hoodie and changed my shirt when we got inside. I helped her move everything she had at mine while she washed her face and brushed her teeth.
We smoked one last cig on the porch and she said it got her buzzed. It took a long time to say goodbye. She looked so sexy sitting in the drivers seat of that truck. We made out for a long time. I grabbed her pussy one last time before she left. I’m gonna miss her. But I went upstairs and lied down on the bed immediately relieved that I would finally get some rest.
I was going to go to work but I said fuck it and took a nap. Katebi wanted to watch perfect blue at amc downtown with apollo and me. I decided to go. I just kinda drank at the crib until apollo came. Eamon was home and we chopped it up for a bit. The lil goat. We drove downtown and it took forever to find parking. Walked so long to amc.
I forgot how much I like perfect blue. I think I understood it better on this watch too. I liked it a lot. I think apollo liked it a lot too. We brought beers in and I got some popcorn.
We just hung out in the commons after watching the movie. One last beer left. It was a quarter past 11.
This is random but Roley didn’t know I was missing a tooth.
Odi randomly came across us in the park and we chopped it up for a second, and Chino + Low + this dude Isaac + Jovan, who I hadn’t seen in a while. Kinda weird he’s still around. He looks mad skinny now. Chino said someone called the copley set the company car set and he said ‘nah, the cawfee set’. That was funny. He’s so fried when he’s fried. I typed that halfway through and was like ‘well yeah, he’s fried.’
We just walked around and tagged shit and Dillon dropped me off at home. I schlumped hard. Honestly they kinda bombed too much, Kinda lame. With a big posca. Was so tired from moving and the whole day. + Drinking so much. Man. I’m starting to want to drink to get through the work day. Not good.
Today Roley needs to pack while her husband is at home because it’s Yom Kippur. Stressful. She’s scared. I ate two bananas before going to work but was still really hungry. Pretty early, I went to whole foods and ate two slices of pizza. I’m really sad Roley’s leaving, but also think I will feel some relief.
Updating 251006:
I left work ridiculously early to start reading the accursed share in the park.
Real-time 251006 Interjection: I miss her so fucking much. Those were such a fun two weeks. We get along so well. We have such good chemistry. I like talking to her. Yesterday she asked me if I miss her, to which I said yes, and that I can’t stop thinking about her. I asked her if she missed me and she said of course, but she said “Sometimes I can’t tell u do”. Means she really must miss me. She sent me a text that she saw some internet-famous person then unsent it. I wonder why. She’s funny. I like the games we play.
Back to updating. I drank quite a bit while reading the accursed share, and also we finally dropped those two singles we made in philly on the pg page, so I was kinda distracted. Roley apparently found another little nibbler keychain and gave it to me. She’s so good to me. I wore it to work on my belt loop. When she was originally trying to get rid of all of her stuff, before leaving for treatment in cali, I asked her if I could have it and she said no, because it was her husband’s. So there’s lore attached.
My wrist was starting to look really gross from where she burned me, then scratched me. It would have been fine but she scratched the burned skin off while we were fucking and made the layer under it all exposed and gross.
I read a little and jetted home. Off 2 modelo tall boys I think so quite drunk. I smoked a cigarette. Roley said packing was fun, which was a little surprising and slightly alarming. I hope she wasn’t having too much fun with him. She wasn’t being very responsive. She told me I should call her beautiful more. The way she was talking made me think she relapsed on k. Later I’d find out that she just smoked a shit ton of weed. That makes sense. She said it’s hard because her husband’s such a massive stoner.
We finally figured out we’d meet up at Ruby’s art show. I took the bus and drank a modelo while riding it. That dude Steven who keeps bothering me to hang out was on the bus, I’m glad he didn’t see me. The bus was really crowded and there was a lot of traffic. I just listened to music. I listened to that really sad harto song “You made it happen. All on your own. I'm proud of you.” Cathartic tune. Don’t think I was really thinking of Carrie but idk. Time is all blending together but in the truck the day after this day, it was 251003, I said something about how Carrie probably really hated me towards the end of our relationship. Roley said “It’s ok, you hated her too right?” And I said “no, not that.” But that’s why I hope they’re happy and this guy is able to do all the things they need him to do. Carrie’s needy. I talked about how they always stopped me from doing things. I always had to be home by a certain time. I said how they’ve never really been out of a relationship, how their ex was still stalking them when we started hooking up. It makes sense they jumped into something so soon. I said that something that was really sad and wack was how Carrie really blew up at me when we broke up and said that Meera and Gwen were their only two friends left in the city, but Meera told me she hasn’t heard from Carrie since she moved to NY, which was the beginning of August. That’s so sad. Just putting all your “sociability” (i don’t really know how else to say it) and just needing a person, is really sad. Roley agreed that that’s very sad for them. She said she didn’t mind making her husband do everything for her because she didn’t really like him that much. She was obviously dependent on him for living (food, shelter, sustaining her lifestyle, etc) but liked to fuck off and do other shit, like cheat on him. Carrie was heavily emotionally dependent on me but also didn’t do anything for themselves at all. I hope they grew up. Probably not though.
That was longwinded. A tangent. Eventually we got to Ruby’s art show at the exact same time. I went into the building to piss and got the sign-in out of the way. As I walked to the bathroom I saw Roley sitting outside, back turned to me. When I got out I walked over and kissed her, then sat next to her. She said it was a long, difficult day, and didn’t want to talk about it. She seemed pretty anxious and sad. The poor thing.
I want to stop to say, because I can’t remember if I noted it before, that on Sunday 250921 we were waiting for the bus and she said “I don’t think self harm is bad.”
So we went up the elevator. There was a really cool view on the 11th floor, where the gallery was. We walked in and said hi to cooper. There was some professor there I think and Roley said “oh hi I figure modeled for you”. Was dope to say hi to Arthur, Boris, Katima, Maggie, and Tripp. Some other fools whose names I always forget. Ruby’s art was terrific. She told me she just accumulated all of it over the course of the past year and was lucky it all worked together. There was one piece that had a drawing of a knight in extreme detail, you could see all the links drawn in pencil, or maybe it was the bricks of a castle, and some other figures, but the rest of the piece was all painted. That was my favorite. There were a lot of prints which I couldn’t tell were prints, but Roley pointed it out. Confusing.
We went outside to smoke a cigarette and wanted to figure out what to do. There was the idea of going to the board game club that Maggie was going to, and I was down, but I got turned off to the idea when I realized it was at BU in like, the multipurpose use student building. Not very dope. We decided to go home and eat more minestrone. Had to stop by TJs for some more broth. We got on the 66 and couldn’t sit next to each other. We lamented how awful the bus was. There was this old guy sitting next to me who dropped his phone and I thought he was trying to leave so I stood up and sat in the window seat in hopes Roley would come across the aisle to sit next to me, but the guy was just grabbing his phone and sat back down. There was an empty bag of funyuns on the ground so I joked that he dropped his funyuns. I think I joked about it again later. He started collecting all his things so I thought he was gonna get off the bus for real this time, so I stood up, but he stood still. Embarrassing. Roley’s so cute. We decided we should get off the bus and just walk.
We walked, arms around each other, to TJs. We got home and started heating up the minestrone, but got all handsy and well, fucked in the kitchen while cooking. Taking a break to throw in some more pasta/salt the pot. It wasn’t super intensive, I’d just fuck her anywhere. Afterwards she said that she liked how open I am to trying things. She’s so sexy. There’s a lot I’d do for her. After eating, we crawled into bed and fucked more. We fucked for so long and I had no anticipation of cumming, but she actually squirted all over my bed and it felt so good that I cum harder than I ever had in at least those past two weeks. I craned my neck and exhaled with intense satisfaction. It was a lot. The squirt felt so fucking good on my dick. And she had it all over her too. I felt it soaking her ass crack. She told me I can touch her anywhere I want.
We fell asleep. At a certain point I woke up and touched her all over. She woke up and put my dick, which was obviously already hard, because she makes me hard, inside her. I fucked her slowly but she kept throwing it back on me hard. She kept saying she wanted to fall asleep with my dick inside her. We went on like that, with me giving her lazy strokes of my dick for a very long time, when my alarm went off. Little did we know it was approaching 6am. I thought it was 3 at the earliest. We kept going. Eventually I got behind her and the different position felt so good that I came almost instantly. Her pussy felt so wet and tight from that angle. I put my dick back inside her and fell asleep that way, corking up all the cum. Her pussy started to smell so strongly. I liked it a lot. It smelled disgusting because I never stopped fucking her even though it was sore.
9 full months of updating my site. An achievement.
A pretty regular workday. Injections. I ate a muffin from whole foods in the morning, actually. I forgot to eat a banana before I left for work and wanted to mitigate acid reflux.
At a certain point I went to Lulu’s. Like 1pm I think. I drank 3 high lifes. Bill kept talking to me about gambling. I read Ed’s OBAA review. It was short, but he praised it. I read some stuff on klub2020’s substack. i enjoyed his short story about the blue-eyed devil. I think it was called ‘2 jokes’. I biked back to work and drank a coffee. The wings were very good today.
Went through the rest of the day normally. When I got home I got 2 modelo tall boys. Roley was out and about with her neighbor. I lazed about and played with coffee and tried to sleep. At one point Charles came to pick up the ddjs. He didn’t even text me, he just knocked on my door. He left right away fortunately.
I showered and lied in bed until Roley got back. I was so full. When she got back we had sex. I came really fast & on her face, then I took a photo of her with her polaroid camera. She’s so good. I have 5 photos of her in my wallet now. I ate her out for a long time.
Eventually we decided we should do something, so almost at 10:30pm we went and got 2 beers from the gas station, brought some chips and guac to the park, and chopped it up. We talked about our previous relationships. She’s so easy to talk to. I like her. She always has something interesting to say. She said that she feels like I’ve done so much for her and all she did was tattoo me for 3 hours. I said I like to be helpful and that I’ve definitely been ragged on for not being helpful in the past. Roley asked what I meant and I just said that Carrie probably hated me towards the end of our relationship. They always wanted more from me. She said that’s ok because I hated her too. I said that wasn’t really true, but I was often really frustrated. She said that she felt a similar way about Mark, that he never wanted to do anything, but she didn’t really like him that much, and liked using him for shit.
On this day I brought home 3 pints of ethanol from work. The exact amount needed to make 2L of 70% ethanol. We poured it all into the big jar and put Rosemary inside. She looked cool. I hope it preserves her well.
I ate some arugula with Roley on the porch. She tried to burn me again but I was kinda over it. She scratched up my big burn really badly while we fucked, so it was pretty sensitive. I wouldn’t explain to her what cutty meant, so she decided not to speak to me for the rest of the night. She tried signing to me and I could make out some phrases and words, but not enough to comprehend. I kept asking her what she was trying to say, and she pushed me into the bathroom and made me piss in-between her legs while she pissed. Fun.
We fell asleep quickly, I think. Her body was cold.
Woke up early but lazed a little bit. Roley had to wake up at the same time as me. It was hard because we were cuddling and staying warm by pressing our bodies against each other. I like when her breath smells bad. We got up at 6:30 and she drank some of my coffee. She got a text from her husband saying that her snake, rosemary, died. She was really sad. She’s gonna try to preserve her though.
She left before I did. I watched her leave through the window. I like her. I ate some chips and guac + a banana because I wanted to combat my acid reflux. When I got to work Roley texted me that she saw Carrie. Freaky.
Regular work day. Cleaned embryos. Fucked off and updated my site. Stole an apple from the collaborator lab. Got a burrito for lunch. I should just start preparing lunch for myself again. I can’t skip my damn lunch break.
Tried to figure out how to get a respirator mask for formaldehyde. Wyatt had one and I was gonna bike to his place after work but it seems like we don’t need one anymore. Too hard to get formaldehyde in such a short timeframe.
When I got home Roley was just about to start tatting her client. This student from China. She brought the snake from her apartment and put it in my freezer. She took a big mason jar no one was using and set it aside for the snake. Her client was being really difficult. Kept asking questions as if Roley didn’t know what she was doing. I could tell she was a little fed-up. I jetted to star market to steal a lid for the jar.
When I got back, Roley was applying the stencil, I think, and asked me not to come in. I walked in saying “it’s your lucky day” and heard “oop! Arman go into your room for a second!” I guess it was kinda close to the client’s titty. Awkward. Sorry Roley. I hope you don’t get ragged on.
I left to go skate for a little. Ryan said he’d pull up. I had an incredible session. I landed all my ledge tricks with varying steeze on the big box. Finally tailslid the big box. I feel like I just unlocked something. Wasn’t a terrific flatground day. Honestly I felt pretty tired, and my pants were being really frustrating, but I made it work. Gabe and Maydoney pulled up, then Teddy. I really wanted to try learning new tricks. I came close to the pressure heal, couldn’t get a varial heal, but landed several half-impossibles. Did some mediocre back 5-0s. I’m learning. I landed 2 new ones: fakie ollie-fakie nosegrind. Would be really cool to do all long and suski with a 180 out. Also backside would be dope. And nosegrind 180. Was harder than I thought it’d be but good. I’m glad I learned it. I tried to grind fakie 5-0 and hope to get it soon but I could only lock in a few times. Was pretty schlump. At some point Roley called me because she needed distilled water (which I would find out later. I missed the call unfortunately). I stopped by TJs to get some chicken, which I didn’t really foresee making until the next day, and went home.
Roley was juuuust finishing the tatt as I pulled up. Same deal, haha, the client was kinda naked when I pulled up. Bad timing. The client left and Roley immediately started venting to me about how awful the tatt was and how the client tried to get her to send back $10 because she wanted to buy some clothes but something was missing. She just felt super underpaid with no tip. The client had no idea how long the tatt would take. It was like $150 for 5 hours of work. Painful. Roley started crying after taking Rosemary out of the fridge. She had a long day.
To cheer her up I took her to the abandoned church spot. We tried to find an entrance but couldn’t really. I pulled her pants down in the alley and started going to town on her. At first she wanted to find a way inside but I just kept fucking her. At first I fucked her from behind, then from the front, which worked surprisingly well with her leg up on this big air conditioner/generator type structure that we were next to. I had to piss, so I did right next to where we were. She pissed right there where I was fucking her and didn’t realize until later that she pissed all over her jacket. Sexy. She asked me if I’d lick the piss off her legs and I said yes. I ate her out while she lied on that ac structure too. Eventually I got her on her knees, which would surely get hurt, bruised and scratched up by the rocky debris-laden ground, and forced her to deepthroat my dick until she couldn’t take it. She loves doing it so much. I’ve never gotten pleasure out of watching anyone struggle besides her, cuz ik how much she likes it. I fucked her face until she cried, then kept going. I slapped her hard in the face and rubbed the spit all around her mouth all over her face. This went on for a while. At some point while I was fucking her, some bmx guy biked by. She said she wished he saw us and kept watching. I wasn’t able to cum for some reason, so we left.
She tried to slap me too but it wasn’t hard enough. While walking home I kissed her and she bit my lip really hard. I grabbed her face and threatened to slap her in front of everyone on the street. She gasped and whimpered ‘no’, then smiled.
I showed her the guy who works at the church and sucked my dick that one time and she was grossed out. She didn’t like him. She said she doesn’t regret any of her life decisions anymore.
We walked by the big building across from the allston bridge and decided to try to get up, but before, we hopped the fence into the yard with the little shack-like building falling apart in it. I wasn’t super confident I’d get over, but I did. She was disappointed. She hoped it’d be more structurally sound. We hopped back over and went up the abandoned building’s fire escape. I remembered how to get on the roof really well, and I don’t know why, but I thought someone told me the way to get up had been sealed off. We ascended up a propped-up ladder and pulled ourselves onto the roof. I had to pull her up, which was fun. I liked helping her. We sat on the roof and drank a beer and smoked. A previous day I said I was gonna miss her and she said “it’s better this way” and i agreed. On the roof, as we sat holding each other, I told her I’d miss her again, but that it was true, that it was better this way. She asked why? I told her I want to hang out with her for a long time. She ashed her cigarette into my arm, then relit it and did it again in a different spot. She used a lighter on me and tried to hold my arm in place. I took it alright. She did it again. She asked if she could do it one more time, but said that I could say no. It hurt, but I said ‘third time’s the charm’. She burned me a lot. I ashed my cigarette into the top of her wrist as well. She said she felt nothing. She said she wanted to go up on the billboard and piss on the light, and I followed her up. She fully stood on one of the lights that lit up the billboard, naked. She pissed on the light and I, standing on the ladder below her, was in the perfect position to watch. She’s so sexy. The light buckled and bent, and for a brief moment I saw her shake as if she was really afraid of falling back down onto the roof. She let out a yelp, then it happened again, and she still didn’t take her feet off the light. I’m glad she didn’t die. She got back onto the main platform of the billboard and told me to lick her legs. I did as she asked. They didn’t taste like much. She was very hydrated. Her signature toe shoes were soaked in piss. She called me a good boy. We descended the roof after this. I went down first and helped guide her feet onto the ladder. We walked back to my place. On the allston bridge, this hooded figure passed us carrying a pizza box and Roley asked him if she could get a slice. He said yeah and offered me one too. Veggie. Real nice guy. It was cold but hella loaded up. He said there’s nothing like pizza and ice cream. Ice cream comment made me think he was an h addict. Said that someone threw out the pie. He asked if we made music and I said I did. He said he plays guitar. I said something with the word ‘cutty’ and he was like ‘oh yeah, cudi, you hear his new album? it’s really good. i like russ too. listen to russ.’ Then he asked for reccs from us. Roley was thinking and I said ‘probably the go team, right?’ and she said yeah. I recced him pink lung. Hope he remembers. Great moment. When we continued on our way, Roley asked ‘so what do you think? meth?’ as soon as we turned the corner. I said the ice cream comment made me think of h, but she pointed out that he had too much energy. We settled on meth. We walked back to my place and fell asleep.
Woke up at 6am on the dot. Had to wake Roley up as I was leaving because she had some figure modeling to do in back bay pretty early.
I got to work early, even before 8am I think, and started feeling absolutely horrible, like I was having a heart attack or something. It was unbearable. Worst case of acid reflux ever. I got a muffin from this little harvard cafe but it didn’t help. I drank water too. I ended up just walking to perry park and lying on a bench for like an hour, maybe longer, trying to sleep to just pass the time before this would go away. It was awful. In that moment I thought ‘i’ll never drink again’ which was obviously not the case.
I got back to work, complained to Kara, did my injections, cleaned them. Went to whole foods for some mac and cheese that cost way too much money. Headed out from work. It was abysmal. Took a half day. Got home right before Roley’s client arrived.
I tried to get into my room before the client got up the stairs but Roley opened the door and they walked in. I didn’t get a clear shot but I was 99% sure it was Kayde’s boyfriend. The one who dm’d me saying I was weird and I’m not welcome around them. I was pretty scared not gonna lie, on top of not doing well. I just locked myself in my room and tried to sleep. It helped me recover, not gonna lie. Eventually Roley came in and I asked if the client was gone, which they were. What a relief. I don’t think he saw me or noticed who I was or told Roley anything. Bullet dodged.
Roley and I fucked and it was perfect. Might have been the best sex we’ve had since she’s been here. I choked her and put my fingers down her throat til she gagged and spit up saliva. We bit each other. I came on her face and she took photos as I was eating her out. I love her. She said she had some kinda dinner plans after but eventually bailed, saying we should make minestrone. I don’t know what these plans were at all but I’m guessing she was gonna go on a hinge date, which is honestly pretty fried, like I wouldn’t do that while she’s here, even though it’s fine. But anyways we went to trader Joes and made minestrone and it was cute. She finally met eamon, who was at the apartment for like 15 minutes. Mad funny.
My dick was so sore you could see an open wound at the top of the shaft. We were getting off to how much pain we were both in, but it took a toll. I hope this doesn’t stop me from fucking tomorrow. My dick really hurt.
The minestrone turned out good. Different from the pleasant cafe minestrone, but still good. We watched a little of y tu mama tambien while eating. She asked if I’m like how the protagonists are with my friends. I said yeah, but only to an extent. She said she’d want to see me fuck a guy. She said she assumes I’d be more aggressive, but I don’t think that’s the case. She said nevermind, then. She asked how I get so many girls to let me fuck them in the ass. I said idk, but sometimes it’s the only option.
We lied in bed and tried to watch the rest of y tu mama tambien. About halfway through Roley had been asleep for a while. I left and hopped on my bike to grab a beer from the liquor store and get to the abandoned church to see if the doors were open. They weren’t which was sad, but maybe we could still fuck in the alleyway next to it. I’m sad though. I don’t want that guy to be involved, really. He’s kinda gross.
I biked to smith and drank my beer in the park, then biked home and knocked in bed with Roley. We had a really cute night. This was when I asked her if she’d still hang out with me even if she were staying somewhere else. She said she likes hanging out with me. I like her. We cuddled a lot. I like the way we touch each other.
Roley had figure modeling and a tattoo today, so I slept in a little and lazed around the apartment before biking to fern’s to mix the 2 songs we made in the philly bnb. Katebi and Apollo also came through. I wore my new hat and was really hyped on my fit. When we went outside to smoke after mixing one of the songs I had apollo take some fit pics. Also checked to make sure no one’s car had been towed. Fern and I mixed the second song. Apollo and Tebi just recorded frestyles in the room nextdoor.
I brought blueberries. They were good. I was honestly so drunk the night before that I still felt really out of it today. We were going to get some food at this egyptian restaurant down the street from fern’s, but it was closed. We just stopped by yafa bakery, this palestinian spot, before it closed. I got a coffee too. They gave me 2 manqeesh for the price of 1. I actually inserted cheesy bread.
Kinda insane, I didn’t even realize but I left my board in apollo’s car on Friday. Took it out. Had to bike with it on my back, which was tiresome. Biked to the lab and checked on some sequencing results and set up fish overnight for injections tomorrow.
Biked home and Roley was tatting this rollerblade girl named Hannah. I didn’t wanna interrupt and be weird but she said “also I think I’ve seen you around” when Roley asked if I wanted to see the tatt. I said “oh yeah, didn’t I literally see you last night?” and Idk why I said that because it was 2 night ago, not last night. But anyways, that girl and i had followed each other for years, I’m glad we formally met. I actually did notice her at the park on Friday because her tits bounced in a really sexy way when she jumped on the manual pad. She mentioned how fucked the new spine was. Anyways, I hit up carter to hang out for a sec and biked over.
The bike ride to carter’s was pleasant. It was a little cooler out and I was happy I had a nice moment to ride without such a heavy bag. I stopped at the liq and got 2 modelos for us. I drank the first one and we split the second one. We talked shit and chopped it up about our weeks and we talked about feeling weird about romantic feelings and how sometimes it feels like we don’t have any. Carter’s the best. I told him how much I hope this long-term situationship thing works out with Roley. I really like her. Like I love her platonically and I’m attracted to her, very attracted to her sexually, but I don’t lover her or know if I can love her. The idea of getting to know someone so well that they eventually don’t like me anymore is scary. I can’t go through that again. Carter said that in the past he’s confused physical attraction for love. Scary. I don’t know why I get so infatuated with people. I guess, like I wrote over a week ago, I like meeting other people and learning about them and using them as a mirror for myself. I let carter do his mealprepping and biked home.
Roley was lying naked in bed talking to her mom, drinking wine straight from the bottle. She looked really sexy. She told me her mom asked about me because one day, in the car, my name popped up on the dashboard because I had texted Roley. She told her mom I’m a friend and her mom asked if she’d seen me yet. She said she hates lying to her mom. I said I lie to my parents all the time. I told her my mom asked if I was dating anyone and I said no, but there was this one girl who gave me a tattoo, and I showed her the tatt. But that was it. Roley cooked hash browns and I cooked chicken and ate some arugula. We drank. We tried to watch hard eight but she fell asleep. I liked it. Not fully fleshed out, I don’t think, but the characters were larger than life, which I think was the main focus, and the story was enjoyable. I just expected it to wrap differently. Almost felt like not enough happened. Roley fell asleep really quickly, but I just kept drinking and watching. Then I started licorice pizza. I got halfway through but thought it sucked ass. The two leads were horrible. It seems like the hoffman kid has imporved with age but I hate the haim girl. To think PTA made this… anyways, I was gonna fall asleep around 1am but we fucked until like 2am. It was nice.
This was a great day. Roley and I slept in, which I had never been more excited for in my life. And sleeping in by my standards is obviously not a lot, but it felt good.
We wanted to find a jar for one of Roley’s white hairs, so I could keep it. Went to Buried treasures but it’d be a while until they opened. Decided to hit it on the way back to Allston. Went to the hardware store to find a screw for her collar/ necklace. She lost the screw in my room and we were hoping to find a replacement. I want her to wear it so I can pull on it while we fuck. After recruiting a lot of help from this guy working at the store, we found a screw that worked adequately. It still stuck out a little but it was the best that could be done. Roley told me to steal a big bolt from the store and use it as a ring, and I did. Walking down the street to the bus stop we ran into Chino.
We walked side by side with our arms wrapped around each other until we got to the 66. It was about to pull away when we ran up to it. Ironically we were just debating the embarrassment/joy of running for the bus. We got on and convinced the driver to let us on for free. We were on our way to forest hills when Roley saw what seemed like a cool store from the window. We got off the bus and walked to the store. It was the religious iconography store. I’d seen it before but had never been inside. We went in and it smelled strongly of some kinda essential oil or something. There was a pot of blue liquid simmering on the ground that also could have been causing the smell. Roley looked through some “prints” of religious art (mostly just photos printed off the internet on regular paper) which were $10. She also took a folder from the filing cabinet that they were in and spent another $2 on it. It was a neat store but I don’t think I’d go back. Why do all these religious stores carry all different kinds of soap? This woman working there kept telling us to come to this party they having soon.
We stepped out and walked to forest hills to catch another bus to roslindale. Having a really pleasant time. We were hungry so we took the train directly to the pleasant cafe in roslindale, where Jonathan’s parents recommended we go. Felt kinda like a date. The restaurant was so old and empty. Really big too. Sure it’s a staple for older Roslindale residents. The tables had hooks on the sides for hats and bags, diner style. We just got minestrone soup, the soup of the day. Roley got two bowls and I got one. She commented that I don’t eat very much. It’s kinda true, I just hate eating in front of other people. I like holding hands with Roley.
We popped into the thrift shop of boston and honestly found hella stuff. I found this really cool russian hat that folds in all kinds of weird ways. I like it a lot. We both found some cool post cards. They were selling old $1 mcdonalds beanie babies. There was a cute lobster one and one that’s ezra’s instagram pfp, a rainbow worm. Roley pointed it out. Maybe i can visit soon and give it to them. I like them, still, they’re hella cool. I can’t wait to get tatted by them.
I picked up another plaid long-sleeve shirt. It was decent. Ran into that dude Soma who’s friends with all the Amino dudes. He told me about how he fucked up his fork and it like, fully broke off. Maybe I’ll bike with those guys soon.
We also stopped in that lame ass antique store and found nothing.
We were going to find a park to go look for 4-leaf clovers in but she also wanted to tatt me so we decided to head home. The farmer’s market was ending as we were leaving and she was bummed she wasn’t able to get any groceries. Some tomatoes rolled onto the ground and she ate them off the pavement. So gross. I love when she does shit like that. And her dress was cute. All loose and short, making her look all waifish. She’s the apple of my eye. When the situationship’s so good you get scared.
We made our way back and were supposed to transfer at cleveland circle to the 86. She actually got really nervous being in that area. She kept checking her husband’s location. He was home. The 86 was gonna take a long time to arrive so we walked to the b line, which was also pretty delayed, so we walked to a convenience store and got a few scratchers, a vitamin water, and a banana. Ran to the train. It pulled up right as we were leaving the convenience store. Played the scratchers on the way to harvard ave. No luck on any of them. Looks like my luck from the 4-leaf clover ran out. We walked back to my place, stopping by buried treasure for 2 jars + some tobacco. Roley also got some small bags just cuz. She said she wanted to use them for art.
We got back to my place and she tatted me. I’m glad I decided on a design that she drew, I like it more that way. It was nice. I like spending the whole day with her. After that, we mobbed to the sil to hang out with Hannah. Threw a couple darts. Mikey was there with his two homies from andover. This dude who I think was named Billy and his girlfriend. Got drunk, smoked cigarettes, chopped it up. Hannah was all hyped on this guy there and she asked what I thought. I just said ‘he’s not my type!’ and Roley later told me that she thought he was chopped but said he was cute when Hannah asked her the same question. Mikey was so drunk, he was like autistically stimming whenever a song he liked came on. He actually spent bread on touchtunes. I got one last pitcher, but Roley didn’t realize and did the same, so we chugged as much as we could, then poured the rest into pbr cans and roley walked out with them in her pockets. We all convened outside and I took a can, then old punk jumped out and said ‘hey, chipper! you took that out? get the fuck away from here, now!’ I was like ‘oh nah man’ but he was already going back inside. We all just started walking. Roley and I had to piss so we went into this little back lot, it was behind the buildings attached to la momma or something. We made out for a sec and she bit my lip really hard. We left hannah and this skater guy, who, as it turns out, visits boston from texas often and knows chino, maydoney, and other fools. We walked home arm in arm.
We fucked really rough, but I think I came when we fucked in the morning, actually I think it might have been down her throat, so I didn’t cum tonight. I liked using her collar. She definitely liked how much I hurt her. I liked watching her struggle. It’s like she unlocked something in me. I really didn’t give a fuck. We were hanging off the edge of the bed, her head hitting the shelf, I forgot to close the door. At a particular moment while I was drilling her she really started crying cuz it hurt her pussy so much to fuck that long. It was so sexy. She tried to dominate me but I mostly just turned it back on her. She pinned my arms down while riding my dick and whenever I tried to move them she’d push them down again. I was sad I wasn’t able to cum, but fucking was fun. Fell asleep really easily after regardless.
When I woke up the laptop was still on the bed, open. We really fell asleep together watching that shit. I like that. I got up, closed the bedroom door all the way, then woke her up by fingering her pussy. She actually woke up pretty quickly. Maybe next time I’ll try to actually wake her up by sticking my dick in her or cumming on her face, but it’ll be hard.
I fucked her from the side a little, then tried to cum on her face, but I had to fuck her a little longer. So i fucked her in missionary, and just as I was about to cum, I got up and let it all out on her face. I don’t think I was far up enough on the bed so a lot of it went in her mouth and on her chin, but I covered her pretty well. She looked so hot with my cum on her face. I used my hand to scoop a lot of it into her mouth. She pulled out her phone to look at herself and, i hope, take a photo. I went to the kitchen and got her some paper towels and when I got back she had already gotten all the cum off and just fell asleep again. I love her, not really, but wow sometimes I adore her.
I slept in kinda late but eventually made a coffee and showered and got on my way. Very glad it’s not raining today. Gonna skate later. Roley was sad I didn’t say bye to her when I left, but I didn’t wanna wake her up. She said she’s sore and sent photos of how red and bruised her body is. Sexy.
Kinda lazed at work. I got that new sandwich from the wine and cheese cask. Way too cheesy. I also asked for pickles instead of pear, but I think they gave me both. The porkbelly was good, but I wouldn’t get it again. Oh well.
Now it is 1:57pm on 250926 and I have finally updated my site to the present. September has been a difficult month. Very chaotic. I made it work.
Oh, I forgot to say, my thumb is still numb from when Roley bit it last night. I’m kinda worried.
I was chit chatting with meera a little and we shared lore and i finally took the opportunity to ask her if she knows if carrie moved or anything. I’m not super pressed to know, but it might be nice, just because I sometimes still get anxious passing by their building. Meera said she hasn’t heard from Carrie at all since she moved to new york. That’s like 2 months. Kinda depressing on carrie’s side honestly. Carrie kept making a point about meera being one of their only friends in boston. It is true, I mean it does just happen, but it’s wack when someone gets into a relationship and kinda immediately bails on all their homies. Something that should be fought back against. Anyways, lol, Jonathan said he still followed carrie at a time when they posted their new mans and he said the guy looks like such a chud. He like, chuckled, as if he thought it was ridiculous. I won. He asked me if I was gonna date roley and I said nah, and he said that was good. He said it’s usually nice to wait like a year to get into another relationship (idk what he’d know about that) but I assured him I’m not tryna date anyone. I have a good situation right now. Now it’s exactly the halfway point of roley staying with me. Kinda wild that there’s another week left. I gotta clean up and do laundry, etc tomorrow. The apartment’s kinda gross. Not that she cares. But anyways, also, yeah, such a testament to how fucked up of a person carrie is that they always rely on someone else like that. My therapist is right, I think, maybe someday I can finally find romantic love with someone who i respect.
After work I jetted home to skate. I’m pretty sure Roley was tatting someone. When I left to skate, there was a dead snake on the side of the road. A cyclist pointed it out to me. He was shocked. It definitely got run over, and its stomach looked like it was pushed outside its body. Poor thing. It was really big, so it was probably someone’s pet.
Katebi pulled up to the park. He brought his homie Jared from acton park. Construction type dude. I had a short-lived skate sesh until I caught a second wind. Teddy was skating the stage with Mikey for a while. That dude Jack who went to northeastern pulled up. He and Sam moved to allston recently, so I’m hyped to see more of them. The park was honestly mobbed. Carter pulled up to hang out, so after I did all of my tricks, the last of which being a crook on the big box, which took a while, I mobbed with him. Chainsmoked and drank, etc. It was fun. There was a new spine that I went over. Was difficult to really hit other than that. Dougie was bummed on it for some reason. He posted on his story talking about how it was a piece of shit. Gabe Allesse pulled up. We grinded flatground tricks. I landed the half impossible, which I was hella hyped on, then I grinded as hard as possible and did a pressure heel with Gabe’s help. Finally, I landed a couple mediocre varial heelflips. 3 flatground tricks in a day. Very moralizing.
Went back to my crib with Apollo and Cart. Apollo made a really dope beat on the porch while Roley was tatting, then dipped out. Cart and I were gonna record but my interface wasn’t working for some reason. We just mobbed on the porch briefly.
I think carter was hyped to meet Roley.
I’m like 99% sure Roley and I just fucked and went to sleep. I’ve been having a great time with her. She likes me. I told her I’m happy she’s here and asked if she’s having fun. She said yes and that she’s more used to it now. She said that at the beginning she didn’t know what she was getting into, which is valid, but now we’re more comfortable so it’s good. At another point a few days later I reminded her of the same thing, that I’m really glad she’s here, and she repeated it back that she is too. I asked her if she’d still be hanging out with me if she had somewhere else to stay, and she said yeah, and reaffirmed that she likes hanging out with me. I like her. And I’m glad that she likes me. And we have good sex. I’ve started to be more aggressive with her, and I like when she does it back to me. My favorite is when I’m fucking her with her legs on my shoulders, wrapped around my neck, and I’m choking her with one hand, using all my body’s force, and at the same time making her choke on the fingers on my other hand. When she’s riding me it causes her to spit up so much saliva, which I then spread all over her face. She said she likes how gross I am.
I was anxious that what I did was wack: knocking w/out saying anything, etc. Roley reassured me it was fine though. Thank god. Almost finished updating my site at work, but Jonathan picked me up at like 3:30.
We wished we could gone to yume, but it was closed. Opens at 4:30, so wouldn’t have time to go to it before Jonathan’s opening. We got a few tall boys at the gas station, then sat on my porch and chopped it up.
Roley was tatting Maggie when Jonathan and I got home. I didn’t feel very awkward about it, but I’m still bummed that Julia ghosted me. Apparently the europe tour went well. She’s going to Ruby’s art show, which will be dope. Arthur and Boris are coming up from NY for it apparently.
On the porch, Jonathan and I talked about this reading group he recently joined. He told me I should really read Bataille’s ‘The Accursed Share’ but also Simondon’s ‘On the Mode of Existence of Technical Objects’. I wish I had groups like that to go to. Maybe I should just move to New York. We talked about the music shit and the quizzicalist shit and how we should make everything happen.
We left in a bit of a rush for the opening and got there at like 5:30. Jonathan introduced me to his parents’ neighbor, Tom Nealon, who owns Pazzo books in roslindale, an archive of old and rare texts, mostly culinary. I can’t wait to check it out someday, and hopefully soon. Maybe I could go with Roley. I like when we spend time outside doing fun things.
The art was neat. Jonathan said it was painter-heavy which I think was true. More sculpture would have been cool. Some of the art was atrocious, but most of it was fine. Roley and Maggie pulled up at one point and Maggie dipped pretty early. Roley met Jonathan’s parents which was funny. Mostly just his Mom. Evelyn Bi was there. She’s like, completely fried and kinda schizo now. She’s in some kinda outpatient program. She had a book in the show that was an amalgamation of instagram stories. Jonathan’s dad is mad funny. I hadn’t talked to him too much in the past. Funny guy. His parents are such a good couple, it’s funny. It’s kinda just fried to see two people at that age who still get along with each other so well. I mean his parents are dope. They’re into the same things Jonathan and I are into. I guess his dad likes Quasi.
Roley had to dip to her dinner and we stole all the name tags from 808 gallery. I also stole her a sam adams. The guy working the bar noticed but didn’t give a shit. Or ay least was too afraid to do anything. I love how Roley likes racking shit too.
We went outside and smoked and drank that sam adams and made out. I fucked up her lipstick all the way. I slapped her ass when she walked away to get in her uber and later she told me she liked that.
Walked back inside to find Jonathan and his parents, but they already left. They went back to his car. We all decided to hit bon chon. It was a nice dinner with his parents. A comically large amount of food. The waitress was so autistic lol she was so overbearing. She described every fine detail of the dining experience. She really needed those tips I guess.
Jonathan’s mom dipped and he, his dad, and I went to the sil. We chopped it up over some pitchers of pbr and played darts. I won the first game, then we tried to play again but no one really had any luck. Roley showed up and wasn’t super talkative. Eventually Jonathan and his dad left. It was great to hang out with them. A good squad. Roley said she actually probably doesn’t want me to come with her to new york next friday. I asked her why and she said it’s because it’s a big life moment and she doesn’t want to reflect on it and be like ‘oh and also arman was there.’ That’s valid, I told her that makes total sense and I’m not gonna try to convince her otherwise. She said I’m definitely an alcoholic and noted how we’ve drank every day she’s been here. I told her that I’ve been good at going like a week without drinking, but she didn’t believe me. She knows. Maybe I’m a bad liar. Anyways we left. $40 for 3 pitchers, and an $8 tip. Damn!
Roley and I walked to ringer park. Next to the big tree we started kissing and fondling each other. I ripped her dress by accident as she was trying to get up and to get back at me she bit my dick, and I said ‘don’t bite my dick you fucking whore’ and put my thumb deep into her throat and kinda grabbed her face. She bit down as hard as she could on it, slapped me in the face and said ‘don’t call me that’. I knew I fucked up. I said sorry. Anyways she scratched me all over as we fucked for deadass two hours. Maybe more like an hour and 45 minutes but I mean, we didn’t stop. She squirted on my dick multiple times, it felt so rewarding. Like it was the prize for not stopping for so long. I couldn’t cum and I think it’s because I was shitfaced and depleted, but I was worried the zoloft side effects were starting. She was so beaten up and covered in dirt, it was so hot. It was a lot of fun. My dick hurt a lot after. The skin is raw. At one point I took my dick out and she said ‘ok that was fun’ and said ‘i’m not done fucking you’ and kept going. I love her sexually and platonically. She scratched me up a lot, but she was more tame on my neck. I went to town on her, though. She kept saying ‘you can’t take it like i can take it’ which is true. She looked so sexy in the moonlight. I didn’t take my shirt or pants off cuz im a nervous nelly but she got completely naked. At a little past 2am we finally called it quits and I told her I wanna wake her up by fucking her tomorrow morning and cumming on her face. She walked off to go take a piss and I watched her. She said ‘why’d you come over here?’ and I said ‘yknow I like that’. It’s kinda funny. She really is a nudist. Just walking around naked in the park. There rlly was no one there. It was hot. She still wants to know about the church. That guy hasn’t gotten back to me this week. I really wanna just go by myself. I hope the door’s open.
I’m less anxious about public sex now. There was absolutely no one around, as far as I could tell. Let’s add this to the list of important life events that took place at ringer park.
Her socks were all wet so she took them off and we walked home, hand in hand. I told her that I internalized what she said about guys having more surface-level conversations and how I wanted to change that and talk more in-depthly with Jonathan today. It was cute holding hands with her walking home. What a wild girl. I fucked her neck up.
We got back and cracked open the last pbr, then watched ren and stimpy until falling asleep.
Eating underdog while trying to get used to zoloft was such a bad mistake. My stomach was really in shambles this morning.
Fucking Roley when I woke up at 4:30am was nice. She told me I was talking in my sleep, then I grabbed her tits and played with her nipples. It’s strange but fortunate she’s into that.
Therapy appointment. I thought about this after the fact but Carrie’s name didn’t come up once. We talked about how, especially with the situation with Jason, I can be very avoidant. I really regret telling him ‘it’s ok, you will be missed’ when he said he wasn’t coming to philly a couple hours before we were supposed to leave. He made a bad decision and fucked us over (for the second time in a week). In intense situations, I revert to trying to make things more comfortable instead of being real. I’m working on not being avoidant. I texted that girl Ireenie (who I fucked) like every other day and she texted me ‘i like more attention from someone i’m hooking up with’. I sent that to some homies and Meera thought it was so wack. I appreciate Ireenie being upfront though. I’ve just never gotten a buck ass text like that before. I tried to not be avoidant and straight up told her I’m bad at that. It’s the #1 thing I’m bad at, in fact. She asked if I wanted to see her again, then hours later, at night, since I hadn’t responded, she told me to let her know because we could maybe see each other this weekend. I said it could be fun but my inattentiveness might be unfair, so maybe we shouldn’t. I’m glad I did that instead of bending the knee.
But yeah, anyways, my therapist and I talked about how I should focus on being real and authentic instead of trying to keep things comfortable all the time. She told me to ask myself “is how im reacting right now accurate to what’s going on or is it a default to what’s an old defense mechanism (comfort)?” She motivated me to push through shit. I can push through uncomfortable shit. I have a lot of things going on and I have my priorities straight. I have a weird fear of being dramatic or seeming erratic if I’m a little combative, but standing up for myself doesn’t mean I’m not stable. I can’t bow to make things pleasant or maintain diplomacy.
I felt pretty good after that therapy appointment. We talked about the zoloft and shit. I hope it helps me. I said how I feel pretty shitty and hope my side effects aren’t too crazy.
I left work and when I got home I chopped it up with Roley, who went to her internship earlier in the morning but was just lounging in bed. She asked if it was chill if she invited her friend over. It was the girl who she brought to the outside world show. I guess her name’s charlotte.
Charlotte came over, fried ass girl honestly, and she mentioned how she was off vyvanse, then mentioned how in the past she’s gone to rehab for amphetamines but “fuck it.” She’s so fried for that honestly. A rich girl. She had such triggering things to say about sobriety, definitely not good things for Roley to hear, or me either honestly. Anyways, Roley was thinking about tatting me but we kept going back and forth and it doesn’t matter. She curled up with me and picked at my hair while i drank beer and she drank wine. So much dandruff, so gross. I mean we liked it. She picked at the crazy ass scab she left on my shoulder and I made her eat it. Cute.
Hannah showed up to get tatted and I was super hyped to see her. She dropped some insane lore though. At the beginning of the summer she was raped by a line cook at Harry’s, which is why she was with her parents in Connecticut all summer. The poor thing. So sad. She seems to be doing ok now, which is good. But a lot of Hannah and Roley’s conversation revolved around that event and it was hella sad.
The convo also revolved around other people, especially ones who Roley didn’t know, which wasn’t very nice. Looking back, it was rude. But also I thought Roley was really bempty so I wanted to give her a break from socializing.
I chopped it up with Odi a little while he cooked dinner. I drank 6 gansetts and passed out on the couch while Roley did this tatt. I didn’t say bye and I don’t remember falling sleep. Apparently Roley needed to guide me to the bed, haha. Cute. Knocked.
After work Jonathan pulled up. I was so happy to see him. We went and got food real quick. We wanted to get yume but it was closed :( so we went to upper allston and were bouta grab habanero, but walked by underdog and he was super hyped on it so we got that. Drank modelos and ate underdog in the park. We got back and hung out with Roley a little and smoked cigs and started writing. We wrote this.
I thought it was kinda mid but Jonathan said he fucked with what I wrote in the car to/from Philly.
I was low key too drunk to write. I have not been sober at all, actually getting fucked up every night. I was happy to see Jonathan though. I honestly wouldn’t stop talking. Will try to be more chill when I see him on Thursday.
Knocked, but then woke up at like 4:30 to fuck Roley. Still really tired and schlump and fucked up from this zoloft.
Back to work. Wore a collared shirt so the big cut on my neck and prominent bike mark on my neck would be less visible.
Regular ass work day. I dipped and went home and Roley was there. She grabbed all her stuff from her apartment in the morning, so her husband would be at work.
I linked Dillon at smith and we skated briefly. Gabe was there. The Gabe who’s tight with Sean. I like that dude. And Harry, of all people. This is definitely my first time seeing him in 2025. He introduced himself to Dillon and asked what his name is. Insane. I like, truly can’t believe it. Well, Dillon barely skated, and I skated ok. I landed all my tricks, but none very well. We dipped back to the crib so we could mix my song with roy.
Dillon wasn’t that hyped to mix it but I’m glad he did. He kept fucking up the timing of the lyrics and didn’t know what he was doing 100%. Roley was tatting someone. This girl was honestly fine and she had a cool Paul Frank shirt on. Dillon and I just smoked and drank on the porch, then Roley came out and chilled with us, then Odi. We played horse race tests and chopped it up.
A decent night. I don’t think my socializing was really on-point, but it’s ok. Roley and I definitely fucked, then fell asleep.
We woke up and got ready to go feed the fish. I was excited to spend sm time with Roley. I was worried she’d be bored but she didn’t mind hanging out.
We stopped at whole foods after and I got a banana and a kombucha. She said my haircut wasn’t too bad. She got a pickle kombucha. We walked to prospect hill and she ran into this guy who runs her figure modeling gig. It was so early in the morning, honestly. We went to prospect hill to look for 4-leaf clovers and I somehow found one. Just her luck that whenever she’s with other people, they find one, but she doesn’t. Later she told me that she figured it out: I found one because we were at a place that’s important to me. She told me the same went for her friend in Chicago last week. She needs to go someplace special to her, then she’ll find one. We kept looking, and she said she’d curb stomp me if I found another one.
We walked to lumentation film shop so I could get my dispos developed. I’m excited. I guess it’ll take 8-11 days.
She dropped her pickle kombucha on the ground and it shattered. Poor thing. It was kinda warm at that point. She couldn’t be fucked to pick up the glass either. We took some sips of what was left and it was good, but too gnarly to drink a whole bottle of.
We took the bus, the red line, and another bus home. We stopped by star market so she could get some food. Just some mac n cheese. She’s anorexic fr. Poor thing. She doesn’t get hungry, she just starts to feel unwell when she hasn’t eaten enough.
She left to go hang out with her friend Kalima and I took a brief nap while i waited for nick to get all his ducks in a row, then we were gonna skate Morse Kelly with this dude Alex who just moved to boston. At this moment, as we were about to leave, I realized that my board was nowhere to be found. I decided to come mob anyways. Was a chance it was at smith so I asked Nick if he’d stop there otw and we did. Sean was there and I said hi but the board as not there. Called Dillon and it turns out it was in his car from 4 days ago. Lol.
Mobbed at Morse Kelly and Mae’s friend was there. I didn’t even know the dude skated. I confused that dude for alex and was dumb. I was tryna see if fern was around, but instead I just walked to the liquor store, which was a really nice walk, and got 3 modelo tall boys: one for nick and 2 for me. When I got back Alex was there. Nice guy. I did a couple slappies on his board, an impossible, p flip, and tre flip in-between his and Nick’s tries. It was chill.
I got back and did the dishes and cleaned a little and watched some hivemind video or something. Roley asked what I wanted to get up to tonight and I asked if she wanted me to come to the sil. She told me to come soon because they were tryna leave so I biked over asap. Roley was outside smoking with her homie Kalima. She was super nice. Roley looked really hot.
We played a little darts. Roley was horrible but I told her to aim with her foot and she improved. We played pool and both got our asses kicked. I didn’t wanna play but I was kinda forced. I really got my ass kicked cuz I only made 1 shot.
Kalima’s super nice, I hope I see her around. She goes to Leslie. She’s dating Robby Roadsteamer, which totally threw me off. He’s 49! And she’s like 21 or something. Damn. Maybe this will be a connect for Robby and I to hang out, haha.
We were there much later than I expected to be. When we walked outside Roley asked me if I wanted to walk to the park and fuck. Then she got cold and we went home.
We fucked, and she honestly fucked me up so much. She took a chunk out of my shoulder. It was kinda fucked. She wanted me to be rough with her and choke her and shit too but I was kinda schlump.
We knocked.
I woke up early, obviously, as I always do. She said she was gonna set an alarm for 6, which was way too early, and knocked again. I kinda just fucked off til she woke up. My stomach was actually kinda in shambles and I had to take a long morning shit.
Made us both coffees and we hung out a little til her uber came. When she left I jetted out to the lab to feed the fish. Also brought my bike wheel and a spare tube. Idk what I was doing wrong but my tube wouldn’t inflate and I don’t even think it was popped. Anyways I replaced the tube and did my thing and fortunately I was able to finally inflate it. Using the engert lab air pump. This dude whose name I always forget who kinda works in the engert lab and does machine learning stuff chopped it up with me for a second. He wants to do art shit. I always appreciate OGs like that. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. He wants to chop it up about art and music and shit. I told him I had a show later that night.
Got home and put that bike tire on and cleaned the apartment best I could. Roley was a little late, even though her flight landed early, and she got in the worng uber and shit. I chopped it up with Nick briefly.
She arrived and we had a little awkward convo for a little and she said hi to the cat and we got to fucking. I missed her a lot. I was so nervous. I love her, platonically. She bit me all over. She left me with so many marks. A little too much at some points. She went to the store for something, and I can’t remember why I didn’t come with, but she texted me saying she did something bad. I immediately thought she either relapsed or went to go hang out with her husband or something but instead she texted me that she got a mouse. I thought it was hilarious.
She came home and showed me the lil guy. He had stripes and she named him stri. I apologized that in a little people would come over to get shit set up for the show.
Tebi and Bonx pulled up, and so did Lina. I was a little surprised. I hadn’t seen her in a long time. It’s so wild Tebi is still so tight with her. I’m glad they’re all good. Couldn’t imagine.
Apollo and Fern pulled up. I let fern come up with whatever he wanted for the set. I just wanted to do She’s Not Cutty and She’s So Cutty. I filmed a lot and took hella photos. We walked to exit and got set up. Roley looked at some of the art. She left <3 and Dillon was like “oh you’re leaving?!” I thought the mouse was gonna be here for the show.” Lol. Desmos pulled up super early and mobbed. We got everything set up. I jetted to the gas station and got IPAs for the each of us: Fern, Apollo, and Myself.
Our set went really well. I wish cart could have been there but he had a cold. We were really tight. Every song had the correct key. We remembered what we were doing. The live intro was dope and the live reading went well too.
The setup was kinda wack, unfortunately. Would have worked better on a stage. People come through the entrance, then are behind the performers. So strange. Oh well.
Eli and Bonx went crazy as well. I tried to take as many photos and videos as possible for the phage movie. The day after, bonx would ask me for footage, and I gave it to him, but I kinda hope he doesn’t use it. I wanna save it for the phage movie someday.
When apollo and I walked back to my place, the first trip, we were greeted by Roley, who had just got back from hanging out with her neighbor. Before i forget, she told me the morning after, which was 250921, that her husband knows she’s in Boston. Fried. Freaky. I guess he has her location somehow. I hope I’m not greeted by an unwated visitor any time soon.
Tripp linked up and we all mobbed at exit for a sec while gathering things. I don’t think Tebi made all the money back at all. He was a little sad. Bonx said we needed a doorman, which was true. I got a 6er of delos and drank like 2 of them, I think, then maybe split one with Roley? I can’t remember. Either way she didn’t mention anything about me drinking.
There were hella cool people there that I want to come to future underground shows. Neat. They all fucked with us, I think. They were hyped that I let them come thru to the afters. Everyone dipped kinda early in fact. Roley was bummed that fern forgot her name. The mouse was the star of the show.
Everyone left and Roley and I watched a movie. We tried to watch ‘everybody rides the carousel’. This cartoon movie from the 70s. Nick came home and we chopped it up. I asked him how shawnmac’s thing was. He got a board that has the bisexual flag colors on top. Mad funny. Roley pried rlly hard into why he and Mo broke up. He’s always really bummed when you talk to him about it, but when you get him started, he can’t stop.
Roley said she was tired so we got into bed and tried to continue watching this movie, then we fucked. Really roughly, honestly. She took a chunk out of my shoulder, it was a little fried. It hurt so much, but I kinda liked it. I’m not gonna lie though, like the really really intense pain is a huge boner killer. Like fr. Like it makes me go soft. I like it but it like, distracts me too much. Anyways, we fucked and went to sleep. I’m very happy she’s here.
Made a post on the pg page celebrating that the hats sold out in 1 week. I asked Jonathan if we should run them back and he said yes without hesitation. Was late to work and fucked off again. Found some reference photos to send Wyatt cuz he was cutting my hair later.
Left work and got 2 beers for the train ride to Wyatt’s. Fried IK. I’ve been lying to Roley about my sobriety. I wrote a page-worth of Quizzicalist writing, then finally read over Roley’s ’Saphire’ note. She unshared it with me multiple times but fortunately I asked her for it again and she resent it quickly.
She said “I thought I felt and recieved love, I didn’t actually or at least didn’t have the emotion intimacy and acceptance that I thought I did.” Crazy because in my writing I did on the train moments before I wrote about how I like to meet new people and use them as a mirror. I thought that was a lot crazier of a coincidence than she did.
Wyatt chopped a shit ton of my hair off. It was so nice to see him. Feels weird to not have so much hair. I like to hide. Already excited for it to grow out haha. It was great to see Wyatt, what a dear friend. I jetted home. Rushed because Callie was going to arrive shortly after I’d get home. I scrambled to shower and make my room look presentable.
She showed up and we made out and fondled each other and were late to walk to this party. We walked and got there and it was so damn college. Had a hard time striking up convos. Talked to Ryan for a sec and someone else IK was there but I forget who. Oh it was karl. Yeah it was funny to see him. Callie is a little awkward. We just stood outside and made out. Isaac and Huey pulled up really briefly and I told them Callie wanted to leave. They were just biking though so no love lost. The worst offense was when Dillon was basically right around the corner and I told him the girl I was with wanted to leave. That was awful. I felt bad. The next day I told him I’d buy him a 6er to make up for it.
Callie and I went back to my place. I have been so depleted. I don’t know how I was able to cum. It almost felt like I didn’t haha. I was frotting our dicks and was about to cum so I told her to suck my dick so I could cum in her mouth and she did, but I should have just cum from frotting. She wanted me to jerk her off but she didn’t cum. She wanted to sleep over so I let her. At one point she put her dress on to go to the bathroom and Nick didn’t know I had anyone over so she opened the door to him going ‘and and and and and’ and looked scared as fuck. I was just lying naked on the bed covering my dick and said ‘wtf breh get out of here.’ Lol. Funny ass scenario. Had to apologize to her for him jumpscaring her. So fried. Actually Coffee kept bothering us. She kept opening the door and licking Callie and being weird. Then later she kept trying to come into the room so I left the door ajar but damn I slept like shit.
Anyways she didn’t really seemed bothered and we knocked.
Woke up super late. Went to the post office to mail hats while I was already late to work. Had a hellish time figuring out how to mail this one hat to england. The buyer did not give a good description of how to write their address. I asked this elderly but very lively and stylish woman if she’d ever shipped anything to the UK and she had, but wasn’t able to offer much insight, unfortunately. I think I figured it out + shipping ended up being less than estimated for every item. A little come-up for me.
I feel like this entire time I haven’t mentioned how I’ve been bikeless because I haven’t been able to get my new tire on my bike.
Went to Charles’ place to drop off his hat and then went to whole foods to get a big thing of oat milk (which i hoped wouldn’t get stolen) and a banana. That was my lunch.
I wrote a note on the oat milk saying that it’s ok if people take some but I just want it to last until next week.
I went to santouka cuz the app told me i had a free ramen to redeem. A whole free bowl. Nice.
Finally had meeting with psychiatrist and she recommended zoloft. I said I’d give it a shot and she prescribed it. Walked to CVS to pick it up.
I went home and took a brief nap after work. I think this was 2 days in a row of napping actually. I think I napped yesterday. Not ideal at all, but I actually felt pretty ok skating after. I skated with Apollo and Katebi and Mikey and Maydoney and Ryan and Luna. I finally did some back 5-0s, which upon viewing were definitely salads. A shame.
Katebi & Apollo & Bonx came over after the skate sesh. They all wanted to take photos for the show’s merch. We didn’t cook up or anything. Bonx said we need to be at every function. I get where he’s coming from. He hates his job. He wants to get up fr.
Knocked. Sure I talked to Roley a bunch. Tried to watch the grey agrdens documentary since I was going to a grey agrdens-themed party At ryan’s place with Callie the next day, but I fell asleep while watching and was distracted by Roley anyways.
“I love her platonically and sexually, but not romantically.” I think I’m hilarious.
Bella had no idea how much plan b would cost lol. $50. Now she knows. How does she not know that?
Roy dropped a song prod vague002 and myself, that was awesome.
Roley’s letter came in. I was so excited. It’s so sweet. She sent me so much stuff. She sent a tag for coffee that said “insert cheesy bread” with an arrow pointed up at her mouth. So cute.
She’ll be here before I have time to write her another letter but I’m excited to write her one. I want to accumulate a lot of stuff for her.
Wing wedenesday u know how it goes. I left work quite late, I believe. Tagged with my presto. Called Roley on the phone for a while during a beer + smoke sesh on the porch. Exp facetimed me after his surgery. I love that dude. Such a sweetheart.
I recorded an open for Roy on an apollo beat. Needs better mixing but it has potential.
I think that’s all.
Fucked off at work again. Put all the pics from ICarvedHopeFest tg though.
Well after work today I kinda just waited for Bella to come around. She came over and saw my room and everything. Cool. She saw that digicam with the bendable arms attached to the bed and thought it was freaky, lol. She’s cute and funny. We smoked on the porch then got to it.
NO MOVIE!!! Roley’s kinda ruined me for some people. I wanted Bella to be rough and spit in my mouth and shit. I ate her out and she started twitching and squirming but said she doesn’t think it’s possible for her to cum from it. I don’t know if that’s true but we’ll see in the future, maybe. Her pussy didn’t feel very good then all of a sudden it got super lubricated (I should have remembered from the last time this happened) and I fucked her for a while then came inside her. It was really hot, she’s so sexy. She rode me for a while too and I sucked on her tits while she did that. Eventually I came and when I pulled my dick out the condom was broken. Damn. Not ideal at all. I apologized and shit and said I’d pay for it but she insisted she has ‘big girl money’. I told her not to worry because I’m clean, which reminded me of how Bridget didn’t even think about that when the same thing happened with her, but Bella was reaffirming that she was clean as well. We hung out a little longer and she went on her way. As far as I remember. I remember I sexted Roley for a while after. Been so depleted. I woke up at like 3am to her sending me all kinds of raunchy sexts.
Back to the work grind. I did nothing. Been fucking off way too much, it’s not good.
Sold more hats which is good.
Fuck my life I must have done something noteworthy this day but I can’t remember what it is at all. Jesus fucking christ.
I think I watched walk hard. I skated, I think with Dru and Gabe and Mikey and Maydoney, then started watching walk hard, but then ended up sexting roley. Yeah. And I definitely drank lol. Sobriety is hard. Got back 5-0 tho! More like back salad but, whatever.
Woke up, grabbed coffee and some cafe type nosh, then came back to the bnb and everyone got their ducks in a row. We were gonna drive Quinn to petco’s place but fern was under a time crunch to link his boy in nyc so we ended up dropping off quinn at a train station. Fern wasn’t rlly explaining well that he wanted to dip with urgency lol.
We hit the road and ended up skipping nyc. We drove by an insane car accident or rather a uhaul that had caught on fire or something. It exploded after we passed by it. We could feel the heat from the fire.
Stopped in CT at this random ass mall that had the worst food court even for some food. There was a good buy 1 get 1 cheap deal for this chinese jawn so fern and i ran that. Carter got something similar in the japanese variety. We wolfed and hit the road again. Fern was nodding off. He didn’t wanna stop driving though. I need to practice so I can do the next one.
After that stop I started writing again. It was awesome. It was good. I came up with portmanteaus when fern and cart gave me two words and i had to come up with the meaning. The car was honestly very very hot. Felt gross.
Dropped off cart, then fern dropped me off. What a relieffff. I was so happy to be home.
I was basically just planning on doing nothing for the rest of the night but this enby from the apps named Ireenie hit me up asking if i was free later in the night, and i obviously said yes. We made plans to hit the sil and I got ready.
So basically, if I remember correctly, we went to the sil kinda later, around 10:30 or some shit. Had one drink, smoked a cig, then walked to ringer. She’s cute, kinda reminded me of Julie. A little thick but like, not obese. She’s cute and shy and loves her family, which she has a lot of, and loves her dog and other animals. She has that hipster indie swag, a little, definitely a vintage lover, and she wore little star stickers on her face. Kinda tender but not really. I don’t remember what we talked about. I think I tried to make up for her more quiet demeanor by being a little too jovial. That girl Devon who I see all the time and went on a date with in like 2018 was there. Strange. I wonder if she recognized me.
Chilled on the rock in ringer and gave her the old smooch. She said I was a good kisser and we started feeling each other all up on the rock. Walked back to my place. It was pretty good sex. I nutted, like, moderately fast for me. She let me eat her out and she came, which made me very happy. Then she dipped shortly after! It was quite perfect. A nice time. I could imagine myself seeing her again. She said the same thing.
I knocked shortly after.
I remember waking up pretty late ngl. I tried to charge my phone a lil but it barely took. I walked out and saw jera and tommy asleep on respective couches and decided i should prob just dip out and text tommy later to say thx for letting me crash.
Was gonna shit my pants. My stomach was all fucked from the night before. I walked to reanimator, not the one in fishtown, I think Tommy lives in West. I walked there and b-lined for the bathroom but someone was in it so I started waiting in line for a coffee, then this homeless woman exited the bathroom and I b-lined for it again, and took an excruciatingly long and unsatisfactory shit, then plugged my phone into the wall at the coffee shop and waited for a coffee and a croissant.
The coffee was mid for reanimator, which was disappointing. I started walking to the train to head to the bnb and asked fools if they wanted to skate but everyone was hungover or about to go to work or some shit like that.
Took so long to get back to the bnb, was basically noon when I got there. Basically just hit Nikki Lopez at 2pm. Fern went to go link Sativa and give her her hat, and I saw Paul and Niche perform as max power. It was awesome. So funny. Unexpected. Quinn showed up and performed to an empty crowd. Oh well. He still killed it.
Noam and Max showed up and we all mobbed. Father TLC from prov showed up and it was dope to see him. He’s got sm more piercings now. I told him I heard he’s been making moves in Philly but I didn’t know he moved until the day before.
BugBusPiano showed up, although I didn’t know it! He fully moved to NY but doesn’t want too many people to know, I guess. When he said he was from Seattle I asked him ‘so do you know bug bus piano’ and he said ‘that’s me!’. He and Quinn’s boy Emon was also there. Writer type seeming fool with a cool rat tail type haircut. He was hyped on my song with Quinn.
Our reprise was incredible. Incredible!!! Cross stitch went amazingly. Was able to do it only because we had 4 mics. Awesome. Exp was really worried the sound guy would get pissed so he was tryna stop quinn from doing heavens g8way. Which was wack. I was mean to him and pointed at him to quinn and said ‘that dude doesn’t wanna do heavens g8way. I could see wyatt was tight out of the corner of my eye. We figured it out right after that anyways, he was worried that I felt some type of way about it, which I reassured him I didn’t, and (i think?) vice versa? He was adamant that it wasn’t mean but he was just stressed.
I forgot to say I got a cheesesteak with everything on it and gave half to carter. After our sets we mobbed at nikki for a little then we were gonna maybe grill but decided on getting some snacks and just mobbing to the bnb or a park, but the guys wanted to go to this far ass ihop instead. We sold a decent amount of hats as well, not all of them, but a decent amount. Jera was the only exception on a free one.
Ihop was fun, carter paid for it and I hope he got bread from everyone. Gaddamn it was fun, i love those guys, and quinn mobbed too. Fun on a bun. Then we went back to the bnb and Noam got out of work by telling his boss he had diarrhea, and max picked him up and they both came to the bnb. We made tunes and it was awesome. We had a noise complaint, apparently, but it was bullshit. A couple actually, but someone kept slamming doors in another room.
We also tagged hella in the neighborhood. Noam said if I start writing fr then he'll start rapping again.
Anyways we made some banger tunes and knocked. I begged EXP to sleep on the couch. I texted Roley a lot as I was falling asleep. It was so hard to sleep in any position besides on my back, so painful. Anyways, it was like a middle school sleepover. 9 people in a 2-person bnb lol, so funny.
Show day. Woke up at 5:30am and saw Roley ahd read my last text 2min before so I texted her gm. Made my coffee, swiped on hinge, then got all my ducks in a row. I realized i left my digi and notebook at work, so I quickly biked there and got em fast. Convinced fern to pick up the stickers because he left his apt kinda late. Oh, I forgot Jason said he’s not coming at 4:30am. Almost like he didn’t want me to see it immediately. Cowardly.
I wrote down all the reasons he should be cut from PG in my notes: he doesn’t care about phage gang or take it seriously, no promotion, the stickers, the show, last minute cancellation, and unprofessionalism to the extent that I’m not sure the minimal output created by minimal effort is worth it, and he’s the epitome of unreliable.
Fern picked up the stickers, then picked me up, then carter. We’re all disappointed. it sucks. Cut, probably. The drive is going well currently. Had to piss early on but caught a rest area. Fern brough nosh, very helpful. We are currently 1.5 hours from NYC.
Hey, this sucks. I am updating this at 12:27pm on 250922, 10 days after the last entry. Roley is staying with me, and on top of everything I want to get done already, I have absolutely zero time. This hurts. I will try to bang it out:
Fern, Carter and I got to NYC. I didn’t do too much quizzical writing before this, but we all tried freestyle in the car to beats. Fern and i moreso, because we were in the front seat. Carter chimed in every now and again. It’s so hard for me to focus on writing. Anyways, we went to the gallery we were tryna meet Jonathan at and posted up there waiting for him. Max and Tomas were apparently still busy with their deliveries, but Jonathan was still able to swing by with the hats. We smoked, etc, and did the handoff. It was great to see him. I felt rejuvenated. I remember texting Roley exactly that. We had some guy on the street take our photo. After pinch dipped we grabbed a quick coffee and I got a pastry, forgetting that fern brought hella from tatte (i ate half a ham and cheese croissant before this).
If I really tried and wrote as often as possible, this wouldn’t have happened. Anyways, We continued to Philly. I wrote. Probably other things I can’t remember. We performed an exercise where we just came up with weird names. To give us ideas for references, ect.
We got to philly excited as hell, checked into the bnb. Drove to Nikki Lopez and said wsg to Salt and got set up and shit.
We basically all just mobbed. Stopped by sidewalk while fern found a place to park his car. Mario was there. Fern’s homie air gatty showed up. Sativa showed up. Casperr showed up. Fools went to get zaa while carter and I mobbed at the bar chopping it up with all the homies. Cart and I also went and grabbed tall boys from whole foods before mobbing at sidewalk for a sec. This dude also buying beers complimented carter’s soccer jersey and just said ‘fifa man… and the phillies won last night too.’ It was funny. People just wanna say anything. It really is the city of brotherly love.
The B&U guys were so late. So damn late. Bub’s beats were awesome. Fern drew on the hat box for some reason, i guess to promote them better. Everyone loved the ICarvedPhageOnMyWrist stickers. Fern and Cart figure out the set.
I got a really nice and colorful shirt from sidewalk. A lil frilly and a lil too big but a nice shirt. Homie discount obviously. Adam came through and I talked to him a lot. I love Adam. Such good advice. I told him to go hard for us.
Holy’s set was awesome. He’s shorter than I thought he’d be. Jera and I helped him move his merch in. B&U sets were great but I wish they performed all together. Sad Karonte didn’t come.
Not quite sure how the phage gang set went. Not so sure. I didn’t like it actually. I think I was off. Jera gave us a reprise the day after and it went 1000x better. He told me to yell less. I took it to heart. He said holy and jupps are really good at doing the melodic rap shit.
I’m sad I missed a lot of the best friend set. I just smoked and chopped it up with fools hella, like Dru’s cousin Max. I love that dude. VA Max aka heads aka maxsquiat aka maxwell came thru, which was awesome. I took so many nice photos and videos of everyone on my digi, dispo, and phone. Turning up with Ben was also awesome.
Sativa was actually being quite annoying ngl. We were under pretty high stress trying to figure out our sets and keys and shit and she kept busting in lowk and she was in our ‘green room’ while we were scrambling.
After I kinda just mobbed at Nikki. Bald max showed up btw. 3 Maxes. Carter and Fern were really tired at one point so they went home, but I really wanted to keep mobbing so I stayed at Nikki. I kinda regretted it after 1 more beer but it was a rare moment to gain insight into the mind of Tommy, who was tweakin off the shits. He talked about so much surf gang shit, said it’s on sight with moh but trip always respected his name, that he has a full album with zilla but zilla switched up, that tati and graham broke up but still do the music tg, that lake freaked out on ket and got kicked out by megsuperstarprincess, all kinda crazy shit. I talked to neal a lot too actually. Bike messenger. Nice dude. Anyways, we all mobbed back to Tommy’s crib. Jera and him were talkin all kinds of shit and doing bumps on the porch as I was nodding off. Tommy said I had irish sunglasses or something, idk I think he was using the term wrong.
They told me to go sleep in the guest room and I did. My phone uncharged. It was at about 2:30am I think.
Woke up early and swiped on hinge while drinking my coffee. my new first photo in my rectangular glasses is getting me a lot more matches. finished the documentary while i waited for my hair to dry after i showered. They really had a hard time in that band huh. J Mascis seemed like a difficult guy to work with. But I can see the idea of the band not being fun and being really serious in order to make good art. Things aren’t necessarily just done for fun. Fuck it. A good lesson. I think I’ll listen to dinosaur jr a lot more now that I know more context. Cool history. The 30 days of shows with guests thing was cool. Henry Rollins sounded so dumb on his song lol. But Kim Gordon sounded cool.
Brought my board to work. I was going to get to work at like 8:30, so I decided to grab a $6 meal deal from dunks and eat it by the jfk fountain. I had to formulate an instagram post. Anyways I ended up being kinda late to work anyways. I checked in with Kara who was sick and left early yesterday, then just wrote all this shit out from the past 3 days. A nice write-up. Fern sent what we recorded yesterday and it sounded great.
Meeting with Isabelle at 2. Not happy. I don’t want to do anything!
Updating at 10:45AM on 250916:
No one cares that it’s 9/11. Caved and went to Whole Foods for a slice of pizza + caesar salad. I put the first slice in the pizza box, then I take some spring mix type salad and put it on the pizza, then put caesar dressing on top of that and disguise it as one slice of pizza.
I ate it quickly in the little seating area outside whole foods then went back inside and copped a watermelon kombucha. Then, as I left, I checked out this little newspaper dispenser next to the entrance to whole foods that turned out to have hella DVDs and VHSs in it. They had a homemade Ren and Stimpy VHS and a Juno DVD. I was shocked at my luck. A great gift for Roley. I should write a note like “I want to cum in you like Michael Cera did to Elliot Page”.
I walked back to work and drank my booch, then drank a coffee. Isabelle came in and I gave her the scoop. She’s gonna be in the lab a lot more this semester cuz she’s taking research for credit. I was just thinking I should call her my undergrad because Shachar barely works with her.
I set up my transformation reaction then jetted to petco and got cat litter and dry food. Stopped by TJ’s too for a cheap, thin flank steak + guacamole. Went home and got my ducks in a row, but before then I called Katebi and told him about the bike outside spring shabu shabu that he could cop. I’s unlocked. We plotted on skating but he bailed. I went back to work really late and pt the transformation plates in the warm room. I went to lincoln and on the way I ripped my jeans on my chain. So frustrating.
I skated lincoln for about an hour with with Chris (I forget his last name but cracked fancy lad guy), this kid omar who I hadn’t seen in a year, and 2 other random locs. Omar is funny. He was talking to this woman who seemed to be in her early 30s. He was talking about a book he’s writing about philosophy and shit I think. I did a smith and a long crook and that was about it. I called Ted to see if he was still at JFK fountain. He was, so I biked over.
The bug situation was fucked so he asked me to jet somewhere to get some spray. Racked it from CVS and when I got back Rob and Mae were leaving. Sad. Was hyped to chop it up. Dorn was trying a switch front nose on the second ledge at the fountain and I was sitting in silence next to Grady. These who other random dudes I didn’t know were there. The old head was honestly being weird and annoying. This crew is so softspoken.
After an hour, Dru called me and asked if I still wanted to skate smith. I said yea, but I’d watch a few more tries from Jacob. I did, then biked over. I was pooped but forved myself to go ham. I tried to skate hard and often came up short. I landed a few horrible impossibles. Couldn’t really get my legs up on the big ledge. I finally did a back 5-0 though, and last try too. I immediately copped a beer from the gas station. Massive line cyz on the lottery, I guess. I got back and smoked a cig with Dry. He’s tryna quit but caved.
I’ve lied to Roley about my sobriety. Dru and I chopped it up for a little, then he went home. I biked home and dropped off my stuff, then biked to the liquor store and got a 6er of modelo.
Cooked my steak and talked to Odi for a sex. They were going to see the long walk at amc. I payed for the hivemind member’s subscription. They said they’re chill with Roley staying. I tried to watch Nirvana the band the show but fell asleep. Roley was sad I kept falling asleep. She was drunk at a bar and missing me. I fell asleep at like 2:30am fr.
Late to work once again. Not by a whole lot though, and no one was there so it’s ok. I texted Roley a lot. I really needed a muffin, so I got one from this little Harvard cafe in the Northwest building. Drank my coffee with it. Before my therapy appointment:
What I wrote before my Therapy Appointment:
figured out lease
figured out bills for last 7 months
still need to figure out my insurance + ID (think i can do ID online)
starting to apply to jobs next week
i caught a cold and it depressed me, but it’s probably why i was able to figure shit out about the gas and electric bills
roley got out of treatment and was honestly fried. i just ignored her while i figured shit out
show last friday went well and im glad it was filmed
didn’t skate for the past 2 weeks but had a great skate sesh 2 days ago. very important for me
also…. looking forward to philly this weekend
What I wrote during my Therapy Appointment:
i just want/need to get through today. i won’t drink today, i’ll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes
with roley, keep in mind am i letting this momentum happen? is it good for me?
for me it feels good to be needed
she makes me feel needed and it’s fulfilling but the dynamic ends up being unhealthy
my self esteem needs to come from more than what i can do for people
i have control, keep a pulse on things
read more
structure
use calendar more. create a calendar for things every day
making someone happy who should take care of themselves? avoid confrontation? why do i do this? (and if i do things for other people, at one point does it become imbalanced)
Figured out the details with Jonathan on the hats: he’s making 13, we’re selling them for $40, and he gets $20/hat
I took a long lunch break to go to Lulu’s after therapy. I had to charge my phone for a little before though. I biked there and ran into Rob on the bridge. We might skate Lincoln tomorrow. He told me Chino was at the shop if I wanted to say hi. He showed me his Labubu, or as he called it ‘lafufu’ lol.
I ate 12 wings and they were certainly on point today. A lot of sauce. And drank 2 high lifes cuz I don’t give a fuck. Major alcoholism rebound. Bill was like ‘so no more work for the rest of the day?’ and I said I do need to go back to work but it’ll be a chiller. Biked home and passed by luca. yelled at them “let’s smoke a cigarette later!” but they just said “what?” so i turned around and said we should mob later, cuz they’re just tryna get Mikey to make a video for their new record or something. Classic.
Biked back to work and basically just fucked off and did my shit until 5pm. Biked home and got some brews. drank them and smoked cigs and organized my room a little and put my sheets on my bed and put away my laundry while waiting for fern and cart to arrive.
I called Mikey and Luca but they were otw to el jefes. I practiced tags with a presto on a sleeve and watched the blondey mccoy bunt interview.
Started watching this dinosaur jr documentary called ‘freakscene’ which was also the name of one of their bigger hits. i liked the doc.
Cart arrived and we smoked a cig, then fern eventually pulled up and we got straight to it. No ezpass, whoops, the tolls are gonna kick our asses. Bless fern’s heart for driving. The recording and rehearsing wen’t great. The Phage Tests. I think everyone was pleasantly surprised. Then we figured out our set. Eamon came in and chopped it up for a while. I filmed a lot and used my time wisely to chop up footage.
Those guys left and I smoked a cig with eamon. I smoked a lot today. It was cold out. I went inside and ate some chips and guac. The chips were all falling apart and it was hard. I ate some salad. Finished it, in fact, fortunately. Then I watched more of freakscene and almost finished it, but with ~10 minutes left I went to sleep at 1am. Coffee had the zoomies.
Woke up at like 6:30. I guess I snoozed my alarm. Woke up freezing, it’s getting colder already. I need to do this performance art piece quick. Well anyways, I got ready and jetted to work and made it there at 8:13. A nice bike ride. I only stopped once. I want to practice track standing. I should get some sakuras, maybe even some blank stickers, and a presto at blick after work. I wanna hit cambridge bicycle and get a new tire regardless.
Lab meeting was fine, although long. I swear Mark thinks I’m retarded. He doesn’t give a shit about anything I do but asks all the undergrads about their classes and sports and music and bullshit. It’s just wack to think my boss thinks I’m a dumbass. Apparently Engert lab meetings got moved to 10:30am so Adrienne in Seattle could attend more easily.
I stole an apple from the Engert lab and ate it and drank a coffee and updated this site. Now it’s almost 1pm and hopefully I can leave at 3.
I left later than I would have hoped, since it took longer to send my samples for sequencing and put away the fish I spawned. Then I biked to blick and actually racked 2 prestos. They were easy to get because there was a little slit in the locked door. Then I went to cambridge bicycle and bought a new wheel. More expensive than I thought it would be, $80. Owen was there but the latino dude who kinda has an afro checked me out. I went home and otw stopped by TJs to get chicken sausage and guacamole. I also got 2 modelo tall boys. Uh oh! I'm slipping !
cooked 2 chicken sausages and ate them with guac, then ate some salad. Kinda texted Roley a little back and forth and waited for my date. I biked over to this hinge enby billy’s place in Brookline, pretty close to JP. The far side.
They were actually right outside their door when I pulled up. They told me to leave my bike behind their apt and I did. They were cute. A spiky piercing in the middle of their bottom lip. I’m not gonna lie, from their hinge I could not tell whether they were mtf or ftm. Not that it really mattered, but I was fairly certain they were ftm nb after a few minutes. I told them they were cute and they said thanks. We walked through the park next to their crib and they showed me the tatt they gave today, which they weren’t hyped on, and we continued to walk. They pointed out an old hornet’s nest on the ground. Apparently hornets shoot out something that lets them track down people who have disturbed their nests from miles away. We saw some swans in the pond. Teen-aged. Apparently they’re in danger of being eaten by nearby foxes, and the adult swans were nowhere to be found. The offspring aren’t able to migrate south without them, so it might not be looking too good.
They said they don’t know anything about popular culture, or watch movies, etc. Much much later they told me they give away books after reading them, which is a cool concept imo. I couldn’t permanently part with a book I really liked and took notes in, but oh well. I only write this here because I didn’t want to forget that.
Walked through the JP reservoir then decided to hit city feed for a late night bev. I smoked a cigarette. They’re sober and don’t smoke or anything at all so I felt kinda bad but whatever. I drank a decaf iced coffee at city feed. I basically finished my coffee before they had taken 5 sips. They’re pretty serious. Not that fun. I complemented their voice and they said they’re insecure about it. Hope I made them feel good. I told them about the Quizzical manifesto. Talked their ear off while they stared at me with their big eyes. They told me a whole lot about this queer anarchist retreat they went to in vermont which, im not gonna lie, sounded so fucking lame. Anyways, they said I should come over and play a gayass board game with them. The gayass added by me, not them. Sorry, I sound mean, but they’re just so tenderqueer be gay do crime. Not even be gay do crime just lukewarm tenderqueer. Reminds me of someone my old roommate Marisol would be friends with.
Got to their place which was really clean and well-organized and played this game called ‘unearthed’ or something. It was a nice challenge to focus and play the game, although I realized at the end that I had been playing wrong the whole time. I had a nice time but there was no spark. Oh and Mars came up obviously. I forgot about the thing with Mars saying Kat was touching martin in a weird way, that was wack. I completely forgot about that until Meera ran into mars the next day and I asked her about a vague tweet. Anyways Billy kicked me out after the game (i lost although i thought i was winning) which was kinda surprising because they invited me over but not surprising because they’re looking for a long term relationship, but whatever. crack card declined. They walked me out and i grabbed my bike and they tried to say bye by shaking my hand which was fucking retarded. I kaughed and asked if I could kiss them. They said sure and I did, and they said I was a good kisser, so I kissed them more. Then I left and went home and drank a beer and fell asleep.
Also they said that once they were on a date and walking along the path next to the orange line by Roxbury Crossing when they heard a cat meowing in the distance and they followed it to the the fence where the cat was trapped on the other side. They found a little dip in the ground where the cat could crawl under and they got the cat to the other side. It kept following the pair and eventually the guy took the bus home and Billy ubered home with the cat, which is now living with their grandma who is disabled and has dimentia and doesn’t let the cat leave the room so it got fat.
This fried ass girl posted on her story that she dm’d that tenzin guy from ny who’s friends with all the homies people that he’s sexy and they’re gonna meet up or something?? Why tf would she let me see that. Smh. She said she didn’t wanna know about other people and I said I’m not good at these things so why. Whatever. Superficial bitch. Posted his ig cuz he has 15k followers. Actually so lame. A wake up call that I should focus. I can talk to her and shit but why would I actually devote so much time to just texting her and random bullshit. Waking up mad.
Also my alarm kept going off and it was ridiculously loud. I don’t know why. And coffee kept terrorizing me, and i woke up at like 8:30. Bad start to the day. Very bad.
Bike ride to work was normal, honestly pretty nice. I want to buy anti-oedipus honestly. Maybe they’ll have it at the book store. I just want my writing to get weirder again. Practice helps. I almost wrote “practice helps I guess” but corrected myself to take out the “I guess” filler.
I left my headphones at home. Going to be an extremely boring day.
I sent Roley a selfie when I got to work, as I usually do. She read it immediately. But it took her 16 minutes to respond with a selfie of her taking a piss with her cat standing on her legs. She actually notified me anyways even though I’m on DND. I am going to torture her by not responding.
Bella said she saw me hop on my bike and leave for work this morning and said it turned her on.
Work was normal. I took like a 2 hour lunch break to work on Roley’s anagram. Extreme. I got the words ‘about’ and ‘an’. Very confused on what the others could be. Scary to think about. I have no idea. I have ‘about an anagram, fucker’ as my idea of what the sentence could be. Writing a lot to figure this out. Time consuming and brain draining, but fun.
Mark wasn’t in and I think Emily had already left so I left at like 4. Jason was supposed to come through to record. I really just wanted to press him to finish the graphic for the stickers for ICarvedHopeFest. In the meantime I re-recorded my verse for Val’s song AWOL. It’s sounding a lot better now. I like it. Jason pulled up with Avril, Pop (who i didn’t know until today was just visiting from Philly), and this dude Landon. Wasn’t that hyped on how he brought a mob, but it’s ok. I just smoked a cigarette outside and chopped it up with them. Apparently meech was having someone who none of those dudes had met before over at avril’s place, so avril wanted to dip and make sure he was chill. Fine by me, honestly. I wanted to skate with Tebi.
Those guys left and katebi picked me up at 6:30 from my crib to skate allston park. We got all turned around while he was trying to park and funny enough, when we got to the park Mikey and Luca were still there. Mikey called me like 10 minutes before to say he and Luca were dipping. Said what’s up to them real quick and stretched and started my sesh. Realized I forgot my glasses straps and when I biffed a kickflip in my game of skate against tebi it made me realize I had to jet home and get them, which I did.
I had a great sesh. Only landed one mediocre impossible though. I need to skate more consistently. But landed all my tricks on the small ledge, then all except tailslide on the big ledge. I’m so glad I finally fucking landed the back nosegrind on the tall ledge. Not too badly either. I almost landed a big flip. That’s next flatground trick on my list. But I also really want to re-learn back 5-0s. Such a frustrating trick. I tried it nonstop for probably like 30 minutes before I quit and ended my sesh on the small, long ledge. So painful. Sean and Gabe were there. That dude Nick who’s mad good and Sam Svednik were there. I was content. Especially after not skating for like 2 weeks.
Apollo pulled up very late and barely skated but wanted to pu to my crib to make beats after and I kinda said no. I was schlump. I went to star market with tebi and apollo after the sesh was over though. I fuck with Sean heavy. He worked for the way underground guy to put up flyers for the hellp show that was last night. Maybe he could do the same for PG. I consider him pretty phaged up! The only people who don’t make music ‘like that’ who I consider to be important tellers of the phagestory are teddy, sean, and jonathan. Ok.
Went to star market with Apollo n Tebi before dipping home. Tebi talked about wanting a bike. I got a fuckass steak and a big, big container of spring mix leafy greens. I ended up not even eating any because I was worked after the steak. I couldn’t remember what movie I wanted to watch (upon reflection it was nirvana the band the show the movie). I walked back to Pollo n Tebi’s cars, then skated to the gas station and got 2 modelo tall boys. Didn’t want to drink today but I was feeling good and wanted some beer. It tasted so fucking good.
Got home and cooked that steak. It was crispy on the outside and the flavor was hella good but overall the steak itself was ass. Cooked it in olive oil for a change. I will not get star market steak again. Roley was being annoying and mean and unsending messages and saying I was lame and no fun and that it was upsetting so I didn’t respond. I just watched a hivemind video and cooked. Then she texted “sorry” and I continued the conversation. After I ate that whole damn steak I tried to watch Neil Hamburger’s nardwuar interview but kept getting interrupted by texting Roley. I, at least, feel reaffirmed that she still likes me. She’s been more distant these past couple days which is good. It’s generally good. We sexted and she told me more of what she wants to do with me: She wants me to press her against the wall with her arms above her head and fight while we fuck. She said she wants to wake up to me fucking her which is honestly so gnarly. I mean, I’d do it but Ik that was like a #1 fear of Carrie’s and that’s a very common way rape happens so Idk I’m kinda surprised Roley’s into that but damn. I’m down. She said she wants to be so rough with me and wants me ti be more rough with her. She wants me to pin her hands down while her legs are around my neck. I like the thought of that.
Eventually after 2 modelo tall boys and 1 regular bottle of modelo, I said gn and went to sleep.
Also Roley mentioned tenzin taking her out and i told her i’m not gonna tell her about the people i get with and i don’t want her to tell me. She said she just thought it was funny because he’s semi-famous. Her rizz is aggressive, it’s impressive. She was respectful of the boundary. I told her I’d tell her who I fucked if she wanted though.
Woke up and it was pouring. Left my bike out all night. L. Took it inside. Got 2 sausage egg and cheese wake up wraps + a big coffee from dunks. Finished editing the footage Teddy shot of our set on
250905 and exported it. That took 2 hours. Then youtube uploading took another 2 hours.
Ihad a very ahrd time getting shit done today. Texted Roley back and forth for a while. It's too intense. I need to set boundaries for when I need to focus and when I can talk. I'd rather we just call.
A lot of the day was devoted to updating the site. I'm finally almost there. I am finally almost done updating the past ~8 days. Talked to exp for a while. Our convo started because I asked him
logistical shit about Philly but I asked him to clarify if he really meant it if he said that prozac gave him a lack of inhibition akin to being a little buzzed (without actually being drunk obviously) all
the time, and he said yes. I can't believe it. It makes me sad to think that that's what I should be experiencing all the time. This isn't just just a little anxiety in certain situations, this is an
inability to feel normal without alcohol. Pain. I'm lucky to have a friend like him. I told Roley about it. I'm glad she didn't bring up the shit with Willow. Apparently she's kinda ghosting. I
wouldn't know what to say.
I jerked off in the middle of the day and actually came quite fast. Jerked off to a mixture of Roley and Callie. Sorry Bella. She said we should hang out soon. Maybe I'll have her over. Idk I don't
like her that much. It's true: I hit, now I don't want to again. Her pussy felt kinda loose. Still busted though. Maybe all the chunky guacamole I've eaten recently has made me hornier. My dick feels
more sensitive. I feel much more pleasure from masturbation than usual. The act of stroking my dick feels good, not just cumming. It's strange.
I went to the liquor store and got a 6er of delos before all that, then after I jerked off I showered. Finally finished uploading and posted the 250905 set at like 5pm. I ordered wings over and it ended
up being like $26 which is better than I thought it would be. Such a bad habit though wow. It was cold and didn't have enough sauce, barely tasted like anything. The antithesis to the last experience
I had. Truly impossible to eat all those fries.
I can't tell wsg with Roley. She ignores me now. It's good. Maybe I should bring up my attachment style or attachment styles in general when we call later. Idek. I can't believe Amelia dubbed me. I
was kinda hyped to meet her. She seemed a little normie, with her life together for sure (as far as I know), but also slightly interesting. She looked funny. I will rag on her on the hinge dms eventually.
Well, that's it for now. I particularly feel like a fatass. I feel physically larger. I need to lock before Philly. Make good decisions and all that. I think I need to eat one last thing before bed and
drink some water too. Excited to call Roley.
I worked on the anagram a little. Apparently the words 'anagram' and 'fucker' are in the anagram. Funny. I asked her 'is the words with 3 As anagram?' and she asked 'how'd you know' and said 'Ur smart.' I also discovered that 'fucker' is in it. I am whittling it down. I was having fun. I walked to the gas station to get a modelo tall boy. By the end of the night I drank 5 modelos and one modelo tall boy. Very bad. Roley had a conversation with me via text about my sobriety, She was hard on me. She said that if I can't stay sober she can't stay with me when she visits. Ok I need to lock in. At least in this week before going to Philly. She seems pretty adamant that an SSRI will not help with my alcoholism, but she said I need to find a way to relieve my stress without alcohol, which would be a medication. Idk, my hypothesis is that if I am able to decrease my anxiety with medication I will have much less compulsion to drink. My whole body feels constantly tense while sober, my disposition is very negative. Anyways I didn't tell Roley I was currently drinking tonight but I told her that I got really faded last night. I want to stop drinking but, more importantly, I want my quality of life to change. If I just need to raw dog being this anxious forever I can't do it. I watched some ren and stimpy while finishing that tall boy, then I went to sleep. No call with Roley. Too tired and embarrassed. I need to do my laundry and put my sheets on my bed. I'm so dumb, And lazy. But I can change. I can be in a good mode. I believe in myself even though I make bad decisions. I've kept up with this site, which is something I didn't think I'd be able to do. I'm capable of a lot. This is the year that I did a lot of things I thought I'd be incapable of doing. Also feeling a little down because that girl Amelia from hinge dubbed me. Coffee terrorized me and I slept like shit. My right eye is all puffy in the lower eyelid and hurts. Juts something else to worry about.
Woke up and cg was getting up too. I made us both coffees but I made the excuse that I had to send some emails so I could hole up in my room and have some time to myself for coffee and youtube.
Drank my coffee and jetted to work. The bacterial plates grew well overnight. It was a nice bike ride because no one was out and about, no cars were on the streets, and I didn't have my
messenger bag weighing me down. I parafilmed the plates and jetted home. I told cg to come into my room and we talked about dipshit hipstar. They were being kinda controlling about it and I
put my foot down on some things like the track listing and the amount of songs and the tags I wanted in there. They eventually let up. Said 'fair enough'. This is my tape and it will go on
my page. The truth is I have put 90% of my vision into this and cg has provided beats and some thematic insight. It would be a farce to say this is a true 50/50 collaboration. We will still
portray it as a collaboration between us, but we should work on something new that's both of us on vocals and both of us collabing on production. That will be a true 50/50 collab. They showed
me some songs they've been working on then left because they 'didn't know what to do.' Such an odd, anxious duck. I hope nobody introduces this kid to alcohol. After they left I immediately sent them all
the stems and gave the spiel to exp that cg wants all the stems because EXP mixed the first song, trumpets. Also I decided it's gonna be a 4-track EP. A tape of the 4 tracks I liked the most.
The other 4 were cool but I got sick of hearing them on repeat. They've all evolved a lot. It was february third when I first conceptualized 'I Like Trains' and it was thanks to the movie 'Memories
of murder'.
Helped Nick carry some shit and gave him a send-off. He thought it was funny when we were carrying his dresser up the stairs from the basement and said "it was a bad day to wear heals." I'm going to
miss him. The era when we were both single whores was so sick. One of my best friends.
I cooked some lunch real quick. Chicken from TJs, guacamole, arugula, in a tortilla. Was a good amt of food for lunch. Some blueberries. Val kept blowing up my phone asking if I was coming to hang out.
I stressed that I was and I just had a busy day but she wouldn't let up. Jetted to Sophie's. Got a modelo tall boy on the way. Stole some AA batteries from CVS for my digicam. I should spend money on
one of those digis hans recommended me instead of beer. Foul. I am not doing well. Got to Sophies and chopped it up. Svckerfish and her DD (her friend also from PA who drove her to MASS) dipped out
right after I arrived. Val kept talking about a show with emorave in Philly and she wants phage gang to perform. Could be cool. Depends on payment IG. I told her I'm cautiously optimistic about the
prospect. She hopped on this beat while I started editing the footage Teddy edited the night before, then I laid down a verse. Sophie was about to but I dipped home before she started recording.
I got home and did laundry for a lil. Called carter to ask what we should do, or rather how we should get to Lauren's art show in JP. Biking would have been ideal but it was about to downpour. We
decided to meet at the 66 stop by the game store on Brighton ave and take that bus to the orange line. I walked over. I wore different glasses for some reason. Idk why. Just to do something different
I guess. They seemed cleaner than my main glasses. I hate how narrow the field of view is though. They're so rectangular. I miss jame. I wish it didn't need to be such an effort to hang out. As soon
as carter and I got on the 66 it started downpouring. The bus was packed. We got 2 seats which was convenient. It felt so fucking long. When we got to roxbury crossing, there was essentially a
waterfall at the doors to the train. Got soaked. Got to the opening, which was in green street station, and smoked a cigarette.
The opening was cool. Amelie was there. She works there apparently.
She's dope. I don't really see us hanging out besides on a chance occassion though. The second to last time I saw her was when she pulled up to the ave with Arthur while we were all there. This was when
huey pressed me and kinda tried to fight me but was really being cringe. It all spiraled out of control. He was being such a pissy bitch that night. Isaac confirmed that he was bitching about it all
mad under his breathe for the rest of the night after I left. Then, I saw Amelie at the sil with Bella a few weeks later and she mentioned how weird that night was. She grew up with Huey's sister,
apparently, which I hadn't known at all. She works at that cyberarts gallery the opening was at, apparently.
I keep using "apparently." There was an artwork that instructed patrons to vandalize it. It was a big photo of the white house. Kinda simple, not gonna lie, also very lib. Lauren catalyzed it all by
using markers to paint a rendition of the earth with the words "act like you live here written on it." I had no idea until she told me tonight that she had her proposition that students use discussion
time to share environmental goals heavily censured by her professors at BU. That's why her artwork fit in, I suppose, because the theme of the show was art that had been censored in an academic setting.
Carter and I filled up on gallery wine while playing some of the games set up in the gallery. Talked about literature with Lauren. We put her on to Thomas Pynchon. I told her that I un fortunately
wasn't rocking with the Amy Spillman book she gave me super hard. She asked for it back. I said I would finish it first, since I can't really form an opinion without having read all of it, although again,
the book is very lib. Seems like a lot of politics and ideas in the contemporarya art sphere are watered down. I told her I really liked the 'in defense of the poor image' essay that one of the artists she
cited in her thesis wrote though.
Carter and I trekked to eggleston square to hit a liquor store while we waited for apollo to pick us up. He was super far out so we got a 6 pack and some straights. They came with a free crack lighter
which was dope. The 6er of high lifes was like $6. What a store. We sat by the little park by the jp skatepark and Carter got a burrito from chilacates. Some high school ass kids were running around us
for a majority of the time we were there. They must have thought they were the shit. They kept looking at us. I took a really nice photo of myself and sent it to Roley, who I had been texting on and
off all day. In all honesty, maybe I shouldn't have asked her what she really thought about the art, music, and everything. It is affecting me negatively to think that someone who I'm so fond of thinks
this is cringe. Oh well. We played music off our phones, chainsmoked, and killed beers.
Apollo scooped us. He told us about brimfield and played us beats. We recorded on bandlab. Chainsmoked in his car. Was a fun drive. Linked Tebi at the casino. I had only drank one coffee today the
first thing I did in the casino was get a coffee from dunkin. Wasn't enough. I didn't know how to play these games at all. Couldn't tell what was going on. Tebi lost $300. On one roll he asked the
roulette person 'you sure it's not black?' Poor guy. I got drunk as a skunk and spent a million dollars. Oh I forgot to say we got paid $100 for the 250905 show which was dope. That's philly gas money.
Hopefully selling the hats and making money from our peformance will make up for the airbnb cost.
I lost my cigarettes at one point but carter found em somehow. I was so drunk. I ate a slice of pizza that was actually hella cheap at the casino that was honestly fire. And all the girls there were
in their mid-30s and trashy as shit. I need one like that. I was horny ngl. Roley wasn't really responding to me. I thought she was mad at me not gonna lie. At a certain point, like 12:30am, we went
to apollo's car and I fell asleep in the passenger seat. Everyone went back into the casino until 2am and woke me up and scared the shit out of me. Apollo drove cart and me home and I was never happier
to be in my bed. Slept with no sheets on it cuz Nick took them.
Show day. Nervewracking. I woke up at 10am. Lab meeting over. But wait, I jet to work and open the schedule out of curiosity and see that lab meetings have actually been switched to 10:30am as
of today. Fuck my fucking ass man. That sucks balls. I guess I need to go in on time on Friday's now??? Pain. I wonder why they did this. Anyways I jetted to Davis and got a muffin and coffee.
I wrote something to calm me down:
"we met in science class. phage talisman in the shape of an apple hovering tall in space. from another angle perched on the corner of a desk. drip from the faulty emergency safety shower
condensation experiment. synonym.fir. indukgent. tooa nxious to ype correctot. wish i were joking."
Ok. I don't think it's very good but I'm trying not to use others for validation as much anymore. It's hard. I have such low confidence. I'm so tense. I also looked up which, if any, medications
can help curb alcoholism. Particularly anti-anxiety meds. Scott (notthesun) told me not to take benzodiazepines which I took to heart. I guess as of today (250907) I still have 11 days until my
appointment. Fuck. I want to be done. I'm in so much pain. I need this to be ok. How fucked is that? I remember talking to my therapist about realizing how I do not feel normal. I guess they
might call this 'masking'.
I got some talismans for the show. I told people to bring some to trade. I jetted home, drank a beer, smoked a cigarette, and had a difficult convo with Roley about whether she actually likes what
I'm doing or not. Hmm. She initially told me it's cool that I'm chasing my dreams and know so many people. Hmm. I pried and asked if she thought the art was cool. She said she likes the writing.
But she said things can be cringey sometimes. She tried to backtrack hella and shit and say that some things are different in perspective to others, etc. but she said the show was cringey,
particularly because of the cameras. I hadn't thought about that for a second. Weird. I'd be completely lying if I said it didn't affect me a lot. Once you're corny you're on the cob forever. I
think Jason's shit is kinda corny sometimes with the tornado mart bs and all that, whatever. I don't even know. I just wanna focus on not being corny. Fuck my ass man. This is like in the movie
greenberg where he really pushes his fried to tell him how people really feel about him. You never wanna know the full truth. It reminds me of when Nick told me that when he asked Mo what her
favorite thing was about him, she said "Well your friends are really cool." These are the feelings I wanted to avoid by not getting too involved with someone. I flew too close to the sun. I want
Roley to be a bitch I hit up for a good time when we're in the same city and now I'm fucking up. I spend a substantial portion of every day thinking about her, let alone texting her.
I felt disgusting today btw. It was really hot out. I didn't shower before carter came over but he did and we figured all our equipment out and smoked a cigarette or two and fern pulled up and we
went to the venue.
Said hi to everyone, it was nice to meet emogen, cg was there being weird, and we rocked the show. It all went very well. We barely did the extended intro thing lol so we can work on that more on
wednesday. Teddy got good footage fr. Oh I forgot that Nick had been back the past few days. We chopped it up and drank some brews and all that wednesday, then I didn't see him thursday, but after
I got back from the show he was at the crib and he let me have some of his modelo because carter's coworkers bought me modelo CHELADAS if you can believe that. Holy shit. Walked to central with
Teddy after the show and he told me he had over 50 likes in Bushwick on hinge the last time he was there, which is insane. I later told Nick about this and he said the most he'd gotten is like 12.
Teddy the fucking rizzler. Anyways after the show emogen asked Jason's homies for K and bought like 2 bumps for $55 for svckerfish I think. I didn't really know about any of that but that's insane
because they paid $60 for the whole bag. Emogen, like cg but also in a totally different way, is kinda fucking weird. So anyways, this is really nonlinear, but I walked to tastyy burger when I
parted ways with Teddy. He hopped on the train. Sophie, Val, svckerfish, and emogen were all in tastyburger. Xmortis was across the street. The tasty burger was packed. Emogen had their arm
around svckerfish. Put 2 and 2 together and realized this is the girl they bought the k for. Svcker is cute though. Anyways, I just went to the pizza place instead. It also made me anxious to
think about Carrie being at xmortis. Very possible. I went to the pizza place and got 2 buffalo chicken slices. I ate them like basically across the st form the 7-11, next to the game store. I
lost one of my dice at the show, which was annoying. Also I gave my talismans to Sophie, Val, and Emogen. It was so dope to see Luna. I love her. Platonically, obviously. A good friend. A
listener. It seems as though she's gone through it herself. Poor thing.
So I was sitting there eating the pizza about to pull out a modelo when I see the red rim at the top. My immediate 'hell nah' was devastating. Same when I pulled out the other. I tried to drink
one. So gross. Finished the slices of za, skipped the crust. One slice would have been more than enough, and cheaper. Why do I do this. Anyways I started walking home and actually caught the 70.
I was relieved to get home. Only drank like half of that chelada. Watched family guy with Nick. CG came through and fell asleep on the couch immediately and I also went to sleep mad quick. CG is
so weird. I'll be talking to them or they'll be talking to me and they'll just be walking into other rooms and shit. Autism is fine but it's kinda rude. Lol. Anyways, ANYWAYS, everyone knocked.
Last night talking about bitches with Nick. So sad. I'm gonna miss him! He'll be back in September for Shawnmac's pro party and to pick up more stuff too.
At work I facetimed EXP and toldhim how stressed out I was. Willow was there so we also talked about the idea of Roley living with her. So gnarly. He was hyped on the idea lol, which was funny.
Oh I remember what I did this day: basically nothing. I was gonna skate but then I went home and ate a fat steak and drank beer and did nothing. Literally nothing productive. I jerked off and
told Roley about it. She was happy to hear I did that. I was descriptive in telling her exactly what I was thinking about. I was thinking about when she had a client basically at her door and
she was still bent over with her hands on her clothing rack taking my dick. The client turned out to be Van, obviously. Hot, very hot.
I did end up going to Guitar Center for an xlr splitter but they didn't have any. I forgot about Berklee starting up again. The employee there explained it to me that regardless, trying to add
2 signals together into the pedal wouldn't work anyways. Maybe if we used some kind of mixer maybe. Idk. I should go to Guitar Center and try it out.
I actually left my headphones at work earlier in the day so I biked down Mass ave to go get them. That was fun. Something I've slowed down on immensely is reading. I feel so dumb.
After my nice bike ride I think I just went back home and drank more and knocked. ICarvedHopeFest was FINALLY announced today. I copped the philly airbnb. 4 people in a 2-person.
Like $250 total. WOW. Ouch. Hope to make it back.
Wing wednesday. Nice. Went in the middle of the day. Didn't drink even though I'm not sober anymore. Left work and went home and drank. Was suposed to link with bonx and tebi at exit galleries to
check out sound and that's exactly what happened. They called me beforehand though and asked a lot of confusing questions. I think I got a little tight at one point when I said "I'm gonna see you
guys in 10 minutes I'll just talk to you then". Everyone now knows how much of an asshole Sam is. The sound should be alright, although in Mono,and we definitely need to cut some higher frequencies
from the mix. The highs sounded ridiculously boosted, really shrill. Bonx and especially Tebi kept asking really simple questions that Sam was being retarded about answering. We ragged on his art.
We found out it needs to be billed as something other than a concert for it to be valid for Sam. Exit galleries sucks. It's fucking corny!!! White guy with rich parents owns art gallery that has
his shitty ass corporate fake greek/mesopotamian art in it and he's a fucking hardass about the space. Imagine if I owned that little warehouse, wow. And don't get me started on this dumbass drawing
club. And he was tryna charge for it!
Basically, bonx tebi cart n apollo came over after and I worked on the 2 comes after 1 video while bonx n tebi made a beat. I played a little horse race tests too. Drank a few brews with the guys.
They gave me the beat, which was nice. In these past few days I actually grinded super hard on tunes. What I told them: "I'm content with just chilling because I've been very content with my music
Ouptut this recently." After they left I still had time before the store closed, so I walked to buy some beers. When I got back I recorded on the beat bonx n tebi made. A demo with good ideas and
very poor execution. A classic night I suppose.
Something that happened today is I dropped septic heart on my page. Fern left me on read when I asked if we should drop it on the main page so I took the hint. I basically just had work. My throat
felt a little weird I think but I was fine. My date with Callie is the only other really notable thing.
I was late, obviously. But she was fine with it. We met at her place and I greeted her with a kiss. I locked my bike to her porch and we walked to the beach. Stopped by the liquor store and I got
2 modelo tall boys. Lol she brought a small bottle of wine but I didn't really give a shit. I'm shameless. We walked like 15 or 20 min to the beach and chilled there for a little before we started
making out. We basically had public sex. A repeat of last time. A lot of people walked by. It was dope. I asked her if she was into that and she said something like "not usually, but in this
moment yes." She has a similar vocal cadence to Khalid from subliminal jihad. Khalid's so twinky. At one point he said that if he were a youth in the 2020s he'd be nonbinary, which I think says
something. There's a hidden truth there. Anyways, we walked back to Callie's place so we could actually get hot and heavy. Her downstairs neighbor was cooking a soup that honestly smelled really
good. Her roommates: one other trans woman and some random cis het guy with long blonde hair and braces who doesn't have a sense of smell, were both nice. Her cat was really cute too. A very big cat.
The sex: She got on top of me and grinded on me as we slowly took each others articles of clothing off. I always love when someone pulls my boxers down and my dick flops out. It recoils from being
pulled down by the elastic of the boxers. I love it so much. I don't know why. I like the idea of her seeing it for the first time flopping out of my boxers and seeing how big it is. Her nipples
were really big and feminine. I enjoyed sucking on them a lot. With this girl, as soon as she gets facial feminization surgery it's all over. She's so sexy. She's really cute. I'm getting a
boner thinking about this now. Her dick was tiny. The head was extremely shrunken. She was pretty ok at sucking dick but she kinda resorted too much to just licking the dick with her tongue. I
asked her if she wanted me to fuck her and she said yes. She had lube. I told her I didn't have a condom and she said it was ok before I even told her I'm clean. Damn. I fingered her for a
while and tried to fuck her but she was too tight, it hurt her too much. She said it's hard when she needs to piss so she went to go piss but her roommate was in the bathroom taking a long shower.
This happened multiple times. She looked so cute in her little striped nightdress she wore to go check with her dick pitching a tent under it. In the meantime we frotted a lot and I came so close to
cumming. It felt so good. Eventually she pissed and I fingered her more but she said she was too tight. I kissed her thighs and it turned her on a lot. Her dick kept kinda hitting my face so I
started sucking it but she said she doesn't like that and I felt really bad. I should have asked beforehand. She said it was ok though and that she wanted me to kiss her basically all around her dick.
She said she really wanted my cum in her mouth so I went to piss then she sucked my dick while I was standing up and I came so hard. I curled up and cuddled with her while kissing her neck while she
jerked off and eventually came. Then we both kinda fell asleep for a second then I woke up and we went outside to smoke. She said I was welcome to stay over but I said I had work early in the morning.
I left and unfortunately missed the last red line train so I biked all the way home. I was really tired but it was a decent bike ride. Got home and knocked hard. I had such a nice time with her.
I busted so hard and she loved it. She wanted to swallow my cum really bad.
Trying to remember all these days makes me want to cry. What a task. I will never remember the exact minutiae of the moments in these days. But hey, I remember there was a day in the winter where I
didn't update my site with actual events at all and it was just some quizzicalist writing. That's ok. Still an entry for every day of this year, although the quality goes up and down like a roller
coaster. Coffee is crawling all over my desk as I type.
I remember waking up later than ideal. Pretty sure I just cleaned and moved all my stuff into the other room. Rohit left at a decent time and I put belt to ass trying to move all my stuff. What a
pain. Well, Odi came much later than he expected, which was a relief to me, and I helped him move some stuff. Very exciting. I biked to fern's place and made a new song with him and ohm. Apollo
was also there. I took photos and we wrote in my notebook. I felt really anxious for some reason, and like my barsd were bad. I didn't drink until after I left, but I did. We could have made
music longer but I was too anxious. I stopped by wings over and the wings were actually pretty damn good. I forgot how tender the chicken was. Both the chicken and fries were extremely salty.
I'm pretty sure I just went home and drank and talked to Roley for a long time. I think we talked on the phone. She said I wasn't saying anything interesting and I said "fuck you". She told me
she did k and met a homeless guy named brad who was a warlock. Pain. I drank for sure but I'm not sure how fast I fell asleep.
I actually had a pretty productive day. I think I went to work birefly or something, then I cleaned and organized a lot. Odi came and I helped him move everything into the apartment. I think I made some tunes or something after, then it was Bonx' birthday so I biked to Teddy's apt in teele square. Roley was talking to me again. We didn't talk because I think she was mad at me or something. She's back in Chicago. This was kind of the start of the idea that Roley would come stay with me when she came to Boston to get all her stuff. Jordan's little kicker was fun. Nice to see scott too. Kai was there obviously. Roley told me to say hi to Teddy. He knew about how she had an open marriage and I told him about our situationship and how she's probably getting divorced. He said he hates her husband. Earlier in the day, Bella texted me to say she saw me unloading a uhaul. Too much. Anyways, wow it's horrible at how little I remember about this day. I feel shame. Obviously drank. Honestly giving up on sobriety. I'll try again later. Looking forward to my psychiatry appointment 250918. Announced the 3xs x pg show at exit which is nice.
Woke up late, made a coffee and watched the simpsons. No need to sneeze anymore, which is good. Throat feels a little fucked but it's ok. I'm improving. Went to santouka and got a large spicy ramen. I was going to get a donut from dunkin donuts after but didn't. I have done nothing today, which is ok. Roley texted me some bullshit. 4th day sober, which is nice. Picking up the speakers from Emily soon and bringing the lease to Odi so he can sign it. Bob was pretty fucking dumb and did't indicate that we need to sign next to our printed names on two pages. Whatever. At least we're fine. Told Callie I watched Daisies and Barry Lyndon. I'm excited to see her again. She's beautiful and interesting and seems to have her life together. I'm trying to get mine together. I'm gonna try to record tonight, hopefully. Glad I'm not too ill right now. I feel weird about Roley. Can't stop thinking about her, not gonna lie. Ugh. I'm glad I had time to do nothing due to this illness, not gonna lie. I also cleaned the bathroom a little yesterday. There's more to be done but it was a good start. I'm logging in to national grid right now to see what's up with this gas bill. I logged on and my only bill is from 20 Royce. A frustrating $223.62. I cannot ask anyone to help with that. I'm avoidant. Nothing on eversource. And I made my portal for lifestance. When I call to see if there are any newer appointments I should ask what tier of appointment this counts as, so my copay isn't insane. Now I am going to clean the litterbox, take out the trash, shower, and clip my nails. Day 4 sober! It's amazing what's possible when you're not drinking. BUT, I feel very anxious and inhibited. Interesting. I look forward to hopefully not feeling this way off a low-dose med. Hopefully it works.
Well this is horrible. It's 250907. At 12:58pm. I feel shitty. I feel chaotic. I feel brainless, thoughtless. I need to write and recount. Oh yeah I guess the most relevant thing is that I
definitely drank on this day. Definitely. Fern dropped the Ode to Toy video, which was cool. I didn't like the colors too much though not gonna lie, and I thought I looked retarded jumping around and
shit. I remember that Roley posted some cool flash tha I screenshotted. And some art. One of the artworks had a caption that said "Nah bc Why did Liam ask to platonicaly eat me out last night. This
shit is not ok. This is why I have 2 friends fml". Insane honestly. Her life is hard.
I remember I went to upper allston for something. I believe I got a bowl of ramen from santouka. I was going to get a donut from dunkin after but didn't. I think I was too full and cvonsicously
thought about not wanting to replace alcohol with sugar. My anxiety is so bad. Why is alcohol the only thing that helps? I need a medication to stop me from drinking. But life without drinking is too
hard. I'm in so much pain. I'm pretty sure I watched eyes wide shut and drank and fell asleep. I hate that I can't remember and have no photos or anything. It was a good movie though. My brain
feels so dumb, like I don't have the diction to say what I wan to say. On top of that, nor do I have the time or energy to flesh out the things I want to flesh out. I need to document. Not good to
break my sobriety but who cares.
Sadly I can't remember what else I did this day. Enough.
I don't remember much besides waking up late. Shortly after 10am I believe. I texted niko to ask him if he could watch out for packages that were coming. He said he wasn't in, so much later in the day I sent a slack message revealing that I was out again. It sucks to be sick. The most important parts of this day are that I called the gas company, the electric company, and a psychiatrist outside of my pcp's network. For the latter, I made an appointment for September 18th. Not ideal but okay. I will try to make it til then. I got the dunking $6 meal deal and ate it while watching ren and stimpy. I went to trader joe's and got chicken and guacamole and tortillas. Made a good lunch out of it. So for the gas, the bill was accumulating in Carrie's name. Unfortunately they had an unpaid bill from 20 Royce rd for like $200-something that I guess I never paid. So that sucks. I will call to dispute that, but as long as I pay the current gas bill, which I don't think will be more than $200, I don't think they'll turn the gas off. I was on hold with the electric company for like 45 minutes. Finally they prompted me to hit a number on the keypad to recieve a callback later in the day. Carrie actually canceled the service on February 13th, so nothing is attached to their name, phew. The guy from eversource was actually shocked because they usually shut off service whenever an account is closed but they just never did for us. So they made a new account for me and said that someone will come read the meters on september 5th and present us with a bill on september 6th most likely, which will online. From there I can pay the bill from the past 7 months, roughly. I'm just glad I'm finally getting this all done. Kinda insane we probably coulda gotten away with living here the whole time and not paying for electric at all, lol. Maybe. Probably not but maybe. Roley called me to say she's getting discharged/willfully leaving her treatment facility because some girl assaulted her there and it wasn't safe for her anymore and asked me to ask everyone ik if she can have a place to stay. I asked ish, the rajats, sydney, even ICarvedHopeChat. I looked ridiculous. I asked Ish. He said he didn't know but he'd ask around. I also went to star market. I hope my psychiatrist is good. I'm scared. Isaac came over and I went with him to emily's to drop off the speakers and interface and set up and shit. It made me nervous and sad to be around alcohol. Party looked like fun. Oh well. Hopefully Emily won't be a stranger for the rest of my life. I was going to take the bus home but it said there was no service so I walked home. I got a lemonade from trader joe's right before it closed. Demoralized myself but it's better than drinking. I started watching the rest of Barry Lyndon. Roley got out and called me. Asked what she should do, etc, tried to plan, asked if she could stay with me in boston, I said yes, she said her usual erratic shit. Ish sent me a screenshot of her emailing him 'Do you know what I can get k'. She couldn't even type the sentence out correctly. I called her back to ask if she was ok and I told her to stay clean and she asked "why?". I said it was none of my business but it was just my two cents. And I talked to her while she was in the uber to this airbnb apparently, then she admitted she asked him for k and I told her that he told me. She got all nervous that she looked crazy to him and hung up. She told me to text him and apologize on her behalf then calld me and asked again. She got really mad and said she doesn't care what I think she just doesn't want Ish to think she's crazy. She hung up then called me back and I said I don't want to be involved and she said she's going to chicago and probably won't see me again and I told her to hit me up when she comes to boston. Then she hung up and we didn't talk for the rest of the night. Pretty stressful not gonna lie. Startibg to be too much. I liked it when she was in treatment and we emailed. Finished Barry lyndon and watched some simpsons (the spisode with the 3-eyed fish, blinky), and went to sleep around 1am.
Woke up sick. Lame. Slept in a little. Drank my coffee and showered and forced myself out the door. Biked slow. Talked to Kara when I got to work and she encouraged me to make a list of everything I need to do. She’s right. It works. Also she convinced me that it’s ok that I took a sick day on Monday and I will again for half of today and all of tomorrow. If there’s a time for me to do it, it’s now. Ok.
Sad that I can’t skate and hang out with tebi and fern. Sad that I have this annoying ass cold. Sad I probably can’t hang out with Callie on Saturday night. Lazed away at work, and it’s now 12:20pm. I’m just gonna get a burrito and go home and relax. At the very least I’ll clean my room. I’ll also pick up a magic eraser to clean the bathroom with. Gonna just go now and text Niko later to please watch out for packages tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn’t get a burrito, I don’t know. It’s ok. I can’t think of anything else. I don’t want to demoralize myself. No drinking. I talked to my therapist and she seems to understand my compulsion to drink daily more now. She’s impressed that I was able to stop. I can keep going, it’s fine. It’s easy when I’m distracted and not thinking about it. There’s a lot to get done. I made a list.
I got home and put my clothes away and put my sheets on my bed, fortunately. I need draino for the shower and bathroom sink. Rohit is good for nothing. Wow I just realized it’s been 7 months since Carrie broke up with me. That’s crazy. I guess in one more 1/3 of a year, roughly, it will have been a year. Weird. My therapist is right, sometimes it’s hard to be alone. I’m mostly just really scared I need to talk to them for some reason about the apartment or bills or something. I’m scared. I thought I’d be fine but I don’t want to. I’m glad I’m not drinking.
I’m glad I was able to organize a little. At least we got the lease all squared away. We’re not at risk of getting booted. Eamon didn’t sign the lease in time for Bob to come pick it up. It’s ok. I told Eamon that I still need to figure out the gas and electric for the past 7 months. It sucks, but he was understandable. I’m glad I’m getting this shit out of the way now. Although it’s late. Anyways, I ate my burrito while watching futurama and took a nap. I started editing the 2 comes after 1 video. It looks cool. I want it to be good. I went to trader joe’s and, stupidly, all I got was mandarins, chips, and buffalo chicken dip. Not good. I should try to get something healthier. I still just want to eat guacamole lol.
I watched daisies. I liked it. The visuals more than the content. Very visually appealing, as Callie said. I started watching Barry Lyndon. Got like 45 minutes in when I went to sleep.
Woke up so fucking horny, actually. Kinda ridiculous but I didn't put my sheets on the bed and just slept directly on the mattress. Gross. I jerked off and came in like 5 seconds. I can't wait to see Callie again. She's so sexy. I hope she lets me fuck her, rather than just other stuff. She definitely wants me to jerk her off and stimulate her. Maybe I can suck her dick. It felt pretty small so maybe I'd be good at it.
Got to work at like 9:18. Colledted my embryos and all that bullshit then had therapy. Told my therapist that I have been more productive in skating, music, and in general. Changed the tube of my bike tire, which felt like a nice accomplishment. Really easy because i applied myself. Talked about asking myself ‘what’s the best thing i can do in this exact moment?’ Filling in time, I feel more creative. She said that when I'm anxious I should try to know know what will work for me, and ask what am i in the mood for? I think I need to resign to this year being a year of grinding. It's hard to switch into that mode, but I've done it before and my life will be better after this effort. It's daunting but I will be proactive and be alright. She said 'the more you are where you want to be the more you’ll look for that in someone else'. True. I always look for dysfunction. I'm dysfunctional. Sometimes quirky or self-assured people can really be self-sabotaging or erratic.
after therapy i dipped from work and jetted to lulu’s. i finished writing my letter to roley while i ate the usual 12 buffalo wings with ranch. no beer. trying sobriety again. i jetted home and transcribed my letter to paper, which took much longer than i had hoped, and jetted to davis square to pick up a little figurine for her. i also got one that i thought looked cool. i went to the post office and mailed it. As a package unfortunately. Because of the little figurine. I posted a photo of the figurines at the post office and she liked it. I didn’t think she’d see it :/ oh well. I mailed it and chose 3-day shipping but the estimated arrival was tuesday. Pain. Hopefully it comes sooner. I forgot monday’s a holiday. I got a coffee at diesel. Forgot how good their coffee is. No oat milk, although I asked for room, I decided not to pour it. I saw Sophie there, the twitter-famous book worm who I went on the worst date of my life with. Was kinda hoping she’d see me. She wasn’t looking too bad but I could do so much better. I feel like I wouldn’t be turned on by her. I walked back to work, then biked after downing my coffee. Got to the lab and bullshitted til 6:30pm. There was an event going on so I grabbed a free pulled pork sandwich and downed it before biking home.
Figured out paperwork for the lease and waited for Odi and Eamon to get back to me. Odi finally responded and was confused about the W-9, but called bob and explained that only one person signed it and it was for the bank to have proof of a security deposit or something. I asked him if i could just biked over to him and he could sign and he said yes. I asked him if 10 would be chill because I wanted to hit the grocery store before it closed. Picked up some sausage, mushrooms, and sauce for pasta. I already had arugula at the crib that I had to use. I watched Adam Friedland’s interview of Richie Torres while I cooked and ate. Pretty wild stuff. Roley called me and asked if I’d be able to call later, around midnight, and I said yes. It was nice to hear her voice and I told her that. I finished eating a little and biked to Odi’s. He had allergies. But maybe he was sick… Idk. He signed the lease and everything. I biked home. Was really anxious to run into Carrie. Got home and ate the rest of the pasta I made. Watched a hivemind video too while I waited for Roley to call. I was on the verge of falling asleep. Started to feel like I was catching a cold too.
She called me at 12:30am. She was at a meeting that went long. Today is her 31st day sober. I’m so proud of her. She got her 1-month chip. Motivating. I asked her about the bad dreams she had about me. She said she dreamt that I got back with my ex, or started dating other people, or didn’t want to hang out with her anymore. Weird. She said she forgot I have weird speech patterns. She was surprised I recognized her voice on the phone. She asked if I’d ever been to a meeting, and I said yes, that I went to two in february, and I think I told her before. She said she was probably high when I told her. I asked how her meds were making her feel. She was still shaking, unfortunately, and she’s on a low dose. She asked me how long I’d been sober, and I said one day. Arthur had a party, then I was sober for a day, then I went on this date, and now I’m sober again for one day, which is good. At this point she said ‘maybe we need to take a break’ or ‘i want to take a break’. I said ok, because I don’t really believe her, but also it’s ok. I’d rather take a break than have her not like me. I want her to be independent. She said she wants to focus on her sobriety. Me too, which is good. I said I’d wait for her email and we said bye. She said sleep well and I said the same. I was a little nervous. Actually when she first called me I was very nervous. Shaking. But the second time she called I felt like i had prepared enough.
I’m glad I didn’t drink. Keeping the ball rolling. Fell asleep around 1. Still didn’t put my sheets on the bed. Disgusting.
I somehow woke up at 6am. Snoozed til 6:15am. Coffee was purring and waking me up so I shot up and made myself a coffee. Not very much oat milk so it was pretty string, did the trick. Showered, brushed my teeth. Didn't eat the blueberries for breakfast that I probably should have. Biked to work. Not very happy with my commute. Students are back, streets are flooded with idiot drivers, summer's officially over. Time to put my nose to the grindstone, I guess. My tatt from Ish feels fucked, hope it's not actually fucked. Part of the eye of the guy Hans tatted on me is peeling off and the filled-in mouth area isn't looking ideal either. Oh well, easy fixes.
Got to work and prepped for lab meeting. Was nice how I didn't have slides or need to present today. I'm supposed to go out with this girl Callie (I guess full name Callodine?) later. Gonna be strange to go out and not drink lol. I hope I can fuck cuz I don't think I'm tryna do the same thing as with bella where I wait 3 links to crack. And I have so much to do when I get home. Gonna throw my sheets in the laundry, then figure out the internet shit, then try to figure out the gas and electric, then wash my clothes. Maybe if I have enough time after cleaning and organizing I can write, or at least start Roley's letter. I wish I had something to throw in for her. Hm... idk. I'm excited to try and figure out her anagram. I feel like my breath tastes like shit.
Went to whole foods to steal a pizza with some salad. Bob's making us pay another security deposit, so I'm stressed. And he told me to hit up Carrie to ask how to split it, which stressed me out, then he told me, before I could respond, that Carrie said they're getting the whole deposit. Great. Gotta sign a W9 now, whatever that means. Anyways, just stressed. Want everything to work out. Bailed on skating again today. Pain. It'll be ok. I tried to figure out national grid and eversource shit by calling them to no avail. I will put belt to ass to figure this out today. I don't want to need to talk to Carrie, not gonna lie. I hope it all works out. Whatever. I was fine but now I'm not.
I called some other psychiatric offices in Atrius. The earliest availability was in Quincy on september 22nd. The wellesely secretary told me she'd send me a list of psychiatrists outside of atrius who should take my insurance. We'll see. As of now, 4 hours later, no message. I might need to call again. I'm really constantly anxious if I'm not anxious or in the elated period of waiting to drink. Man.. I'm glad I made the call.
Got all my work done throughout the day. Now it's 3:38 and i just gotta inoculate a bacterial stab. I'm looking forward to this date later. Maybe I'll take the red line to her neck of the wooks, which is like, Columbus park. So I can write while trekking there.
I got home and cooked some chicken sausages pretty early to avoid feeling too full later. I think I did laundry. At one point I decided that if we're going to a bar we're going to drink and if we're going to drink I might as well drink before. I got a modelo tall boy from the gas station and started working on Roley's anagram. Eventually I showered and headed out. Biked to the red line and took it to JFK-Umass. I started writing a letter to Roley in my notebook. I got off the red line and biked over to this bar called the banshee that callie wanted to meet up at. I locked my bike to this pole, then realized there was an actual bike stand and locked my bike there.
Smoked a cigarette while waiting for Callie to pull up. She pulled up and was truly quite beautiful. She dressed to the nines and her makeup looked really good. I liked her makeup and her cute round glasses. Much cuter in real life than she looks in photos. She wore a bright pink fur coat, these brown heeled boots, and a flowery dress. Her long, milky legs stood out to me the most.
She's getting her masters in the classics at BC and likes to talk about it. She's from buffalo. I drank 2 mich ultras and she drank 2 heinekens. They were both $8 each, which is fucking insane. Basically we chopped it up and bought a 6er of pbr from the liquor store and walked to her palce and chilled on the back porch. I asked her if I could give her a kiss. She said yeah and I kissed her. A nice cute brief kiss. No tongue, interesting. I pissed behind a dumpster and she bummed hella cigs off of me, so I smoked a lot as well. We made out some more and I'm not gonna lie it basically turned into public sex on her back porch. For like over an hour for sure, and maybe 2, we just made out and felt each other up. I loved touching her legs and feeling her twitch and quiver. She said I know what. to do with my hands. No tongue. Idk. Weird. She liked the way I kissed her neck and her nape. I was so fucking hard. When we were making out I could feel her dick rubbing against mine. I kinda slowly touched my way to her dick and could tell she was getting turned on my me getting close it. So I started rubbing her taint and her dick. She got much harder and started whimpering and moaning. Eventually she let out a whimpery "ok I think I should go to bed". She was so fucking hot. I wish I could have fucked her, I was so fucking horny. She said nexttime, because she told her roommates she'd let them know if she had any guys over. It was hard to part, we just kept making out, smoking, and drinking. Eventually she went upstairs and I finished her half-drank beer. I felt bad about drinking. Shame. My phone was dead and I was lost so I had to find a cop, who was asleep in her car, and wake her up to ask where the red line station was. I got directions and biked over. Caught the last red line train at 12:44am to alewife. Then I biked from harvard to the crib and ate some more, then knocked.
Woke up insanely late. Insanely. Actually I first woke up around 8am and sent a slack message to my coworkers to say I was sick and couldn't come in. Then I slept in til 1 and got some dunks and updated this while intermittently fucking off. I called Jonathan to say happy birthday. He's going upstate with Max, Adam, and Juliette to visit Lucas. I'm so jealous, not gonna lie. I miss bro. I feel extremely demoralized about getting drunk last night. Trying again today. I know I can do it, I just did it before. I can do it again and keep going. I just wish I didn't have an anxiety disorder. Gotta figure out all this bills stuff, it sucks. Hanging out with Bella at 7. If crack card declines Imma need to tell her what's up. Maybe I should do that beforehand so I'm less of an asshole. Odiase got approved for the apartment though. That's great news. Just gotta clean OD.
Started laying out the 2 comes after 1 video. I think it'll look cool. Got some good coloring. Turned the highs slightly up on the b&w curve, the lows slightly down, added a vignette, and turned the saturation down a little on most shots. On the shots outside black cat bar the saturation being turned down was not the move.
Took a long time to finish the cover art for and drop 2 comes after 1. I was having issues with technology. Then I went to TJs for arugula and chicken sausage. I cooked 2 chicken sausages and ate them with arugula. My internet wasn't working so I paid the bill. Still didn't work though. I need to call again or something. I really, really need to pay the national grid and whatever the gas company's bills are. This isn't good. I don't want to need to interact with Carrie on any of this. After ICarvedHopeFest, which Jera told me the flyer would be dropping for tomorrow, It's time to lock. No more spending.
I was super late to hang out with Bella, but it was ok. We went to her place, fortunately. My apartment is currently disgusting. We went on a little walk to the park, although she wanted to watch a movie off rip. She's super into the movie hangs I guess. We walked to the park and smoked a cigarette and I asked her what she was looking for out of dating in general. She said she's looking to meet people and see where it goes. I told her same, although I can't see myself in a relationship, and after my last one I realize I probably shouldn't be in one. She said she's never been in one, and hasn't really looked until recently, to no avail. I said I'm glad we're mostly on the same page. We walked back to her place and she was tryna scroll through movies on hulu but it wasn't loading so I said "I can just kiss you instead" and we made out. She stopped and said "I'm self-conscious cuz your breath is all minty" and i told her her breath tasted good. That was kinda a lie, but it wasn't unbearable. I'm sure mine's disgusting usually, so I cannot complain at all. I eventually asked her if I could take her shirt off and she said yes and asked "do you want to have sex tonight?" I said yes, obviously. Then we got to it. I took off her bra and sucked on her tits while she grinded on my and we made out. We took out clothes off and I rubbed her clit while she jerked me off. She was super wet and squirmed around while I fingered her. Eventually I asked her if she wanted me to fuck her, and she said yes, so I grabbed a condom and threw it on, then fucked her. For a solid amount of time I think. Based on her response I think she really liked it. I was actually kinda worried I wasn't gonna be able to get hard due to stress, because I wasn't really getting hard while we were making out, but I did and everything worked out. I came in her (in the condom obviously). I pulled my dick out and she said 'look at that' while touching and squeezing the cum-filled end of the condom. She was about to go clean up when she said "that was god" and I said "I'm glad, that was good for me too" and she said "well if you ever want it I'm 3 doors down" which was sexy. When she got back in the room she said "we just had sex". Idk why. She's funny. I wonder what her body count is. I imagine very low. This is random as hell but she's low key a lot bigger than she looks with clothes on. not that that matters. Her pussy was kinda loose too, but I wasn't like, the hardest I've ever been. We watched this absolutely horribel covid-style early 1900s-setting movie that came out recently about influenza called 'coup!' This reminded me of how unbearable it would be to be forced to watch absolute bullshit with Carrie. Holy shit. Another reminder of how little freedom there is in relationships, often. After the movie was over I left. She said next time I could eat her box. I offered to this time but she said it'd be too over-stimulating.
When I got home I watched hivemind videos for the first time in like 2 weeks and cooked the rest of the 3 chicken sausages and ate them with guacamole. A decent dinner. No alcohol :) it didn't even come to mind, really. By the time it did the stores were closed. 1 day down, this is great.
My tatt from ish is all fucked up, smh. I should use aquafor. I guess maybe not, I'm getting conflicting results online. Anyways I hope it's not fucked. My tat from Hans doesn't look 100% either. And I've been moisturizing. Man... wtf. I'll ask Roley for advice when I see her in real life. I hope that's soon. I want to curl up with her. I need some comfort, I'm so stressed.
She said her new medication is making her hands shake and it breaks her heart. She wants edits on her newer poems because the manuscript is due by the end of the week. She'll be at the house another week, so I'll send her another poem on Wednesday. 3-day priority, I hope. I tried to fall asleep relatively early but only knocked at 2am. I should read more. At least I didn't drink.
Woke up right before baltimore. Felt so sweaty and uncomfortable. Traveling always limits how much you can shit and fart, so your bowels are often fucked, as mine were. Got off the plane finally and right outside the gate there was a dunkin. Got a large iced coffee and started swipig on hinge bins. Had to walk to terminal A in this weird ass airport. Back hurting like a bitch. Pinkberry was open at 5am, how weird is that?
Boarded the flight to boston pretty quickly. Took off, listened to music, slept. Got off the plane, took the shuttle straight to the blue line, took the green line to packard's corner, then walked home. I don't know why, why at all, I was so worried I'd see Carrie. It's natural I guess, just one of those things that lessens over time but still feels weird. Just a moment. Anyways, I got home and hugged coffee for like 10 minutes. She let me hold her for so long, she missed me so much. I love her, my angel. I can't even begin to think what I'd do without her.
The second thing I did was bust open Roley's letter. She said she was proud of me for being sober for 5 days. She said she hoped I made it to a week (I didn't). She said that when my package arrived it came with two others and a letter from her aunt but she opened mine first. She said none of the staff saw my dick pic but one of the girls did and she said "are you sure that's your friend?" which is really funny. The same girl who printed her suicide note to the therapist by accident. She said she can't wait to give me more bruises. She said it's hard that she likes me but I say that I can't date anyone, and she also says that she isn't ready to date anyone, but is glad that we're in similar states. Confusing. She said "I hope to play more tricks on you" and it made me so happy. She's been doing EMDR therapy, which is strange and doesn't sound real, but who knows? She said everyone at the house is religious, which is strange but mind-opening. She sent me a sticker of an apple. She made it, somehow I guess. It's called a diamond sticker. And she sent a printed-out photo of a raccoon that had some messages on it. She also wants to give me some abstract acrylic art that's too fragile to be shipped so I need to get it in-person. She said my shirt smells so good and she wants me. She said she moved it to a ziplock bag in an email so the smell wouldn't go away. I can't wait to write her back.
I slept. Then I walked to Lulu's. I asked for 12 wings but they gave me 8 for $17. Didn't buy alcohol though! Woohoo! Went home and wrote more. Went to trader joes and bot blueberries, guacamokle, chips, and chicken sausage. Then, I wrote more. They I demoralized myself and went to the liquor store for a 6-pack of modelos. Roley's proud of me and knows I can do it but I love to demoralize myself. I don't want to. I finished writing. I am uop to date. My current task at 9:40pm is writing this. I am going to Arthur's birthday/going away party. I bailed on Bella to get things done, haha.
Arthur's party was lit for a sunday night. Cooper said I seemed kinda drunk or spaced out. I was like "wut?" He said he thought a lot about how I called him a cutty gay. Pat pulled up, but no Huey. A lot of massart nymphs, all probably too young for me. We tagged the electrical boxes. Vinny said he'd send me a new open. We used the golf club to hit mugs and cans. This woman said "you guys are breaking glass and there are people walking their dogs." I said "There's no glass" and she said "what do you mean homeboy?!" I said "it's ceramic." She was bummed. I just said "I'm not with them." We went up on the roof and mobbed. Talked a lot about moving.
Left at like 1:30. Went to mcdonalds for the first time in a long time. I was so drunk. Got 2 mcchickens from the drive through. Got home and ate them while watching futurama and fell asleep.
Last night was the kind of night that makes me wake up with embarrasmment. Breath smelling like torta pussy, wondering if anyone's mad at me. So lame. No bueno. Basically Kiefer woke up and was gonna get all his stuff together for his trip, so I got all my ducks in a row and dipped.
Got a coffee and, strangely, an avocado toast from the sculler. Coffee was good, once again, but the avocado toast tasted like nothing. I hated having all my stuff on me. I went to huntington park and just listened to music. I would have been down to hang out there much longer, but I was gonna shit myself . Ended up trooping out and shitting in macy's. At that point I said fuck it and just wanted to go to the airport to work on updating my site, so that's exactly what I did.
Was having a lot of problems with technology when I got to the airport. Got it all sorted and went through security. I was itching to go home so bad that I got to the airport 10 hours early. Ate an airport burger that was somehow better than the one from last night. Tried to write for a little but mostly just swiped on hinge. I was just so depleted. I had no motivation at all. There was no better day to start getting sober than today, but I still bought an $8 stella and an expensive bag of kettle pepperoncici-flavored chips. They were good, but did I need to do that? No. Jupps called me. One of those times where we talk for an hour. He was apologetic, and I assured him everything was fine. I knew he was mad but the things he said were helpful. That was mainly it. After drinking that stella I slept for like 30-45 minutes. I ate a sandwich rught before my flight was boarding. All-in-all, it was not very productive, but my head was in a bad place. I just had to get fucking home.
Got an aisle seat on the flight and knocked. Woke up a couple times cuz I drooled on myself, which was embarrassing, I hope no one noticed. The lights were dark, so.. anyways, that was it. Wasted day, a little.
Woke up in the morning like "oh shit wtf". So wack that I accidentally fell asleep and didn't say bye to Eamon before he left for LA. I think I woke up around 11am. Very late for me. I felt gross again because I didn't shower before falling asleep, but not as bad as the day before. The first thing I did was email Roley. Sent her a photo of the tatt, let her know how happy I am she's doing well, and discussed attachment styles with her. I was pretty curious since she brought the topic up. I rambled:
"I thought attachment styles had more to do with infants and their parents. Either way, I guess codependence aligns with an anxious attachment style, so that seems to make sense. Idk. I've felt so strange about this topic recently. I don't really think I fully fit the mold of an avoidant attachment style. Sometimes I have avoidant personality traits, like trying to resolve a conflict quickly and moving on without digging deeper into the real causes of the conflict. That's something I've learned about myself this year and have been trying to work on. Like when I forgot to cancel the wifi that was under my ex's name they got charged like $500, and I sent them the money, but never asked for it back after the transaction had already been reversed. So I just gave them $500 essentially to make up for them needing to move out. I mean I think it was pretty valid considering their life was much harder than mine at the time, but I did kind of adopt a 'fuck this, just take the money so I don't need to deal with this' mentality. Does that make sense? That's the situation that led me to think I have some avoidant traits.
But as far as intimacy goes, I think I get attached easily and really like diving into a person, spending a lot of time with them, and learning as much as I can about them, which I don't really think is avoidant at all. But, I also think I have a difficult time expressing and feeling romantic love. I don't even know. I think something's missing. Reflecting on the past, I think in a lot of my relationships I treated the other person as more of a best friend than a partner. I know you're supposed to be best friends with your significant other, but I think I felt more platonically than romantically about them. Sorry to ramble but I've just been thinking about this a lot recently. That's why I find it difficult to picture myself in another really committed romantic relationship."
Kiefer woke up a little and I asked him where his keys were. He told me they were in his pants and I grabbed them then went to the sculleryfor some coffee. Pretty good coffee, but a very mid shop aesthetically. When I got back Kiefer was kinda getting up and we basically jumped right out the door to see if we could get to swan's on time. We walked over at like 1pm but the line was already way too long. We just grabbed tobacco and he grabbed a monster and we hit super burrito. The burrito was good but I kinda wish it didn't have rice.
Went back to Kiefer's place and he left for work. He'd have the keys today. Roley emailed me at like 2pm. She might be leaving the house soon and hopes to get into a php program in nyc. There is no significance to leap year twins. And she said this:
"sorry i have been kind of mean to u about all that recently. I didn't realize that conversation made you uncomfortable, its just something that comes up in the groups they've been doing with us. I need to work on me and take time not being distracted. ill leave it be, so sorry. I am still curious about the bush situation but ill let it be and just focus on my own. Was definitely showing at the beach.
Sorry i overstepped, ill give u space. ty for giving me something to look forward to everyday i've been here"
I don't know why she always thinks she's bothering me. Oh well. She also said "my bad i missed a line. Im very embarrassed" stand-alone in a follow-up email.
I said "You haven't been mean at all. I just rambled cuz I've been thinking about that topic a lot recently. It didn't make me uncomfortable at all, and in fact, it's very good for me to talk about it. I appreciate you listening to me talk about it and giving your insight. Thank you, really."
She emailed back 20 minutes later: "i dont wanna wait that long". I'm not going to respond to her until after I get home and read her letter.
I tried to troop all the way to Piper Lewine's art show, which funny enough was right by dogpatch. I had a very hard time finding it. I found some kind of gallery at this music venue and tried to ask someone on the other side of the door "is the gallery open?" and he completely ignored me. I opened the door, walked in, and walked right past him. Dude was not doing his job. I walk in and this tech type guy asks "are you a part of the crew?" And I'm like "no i'm looking for this show" and showed him the fyer. He said 'oh that's in another building but it's closed all weekend for a wedding.' Just my luck. Well, I called Nick and he said he was headed to Dolores to link Sahel, so I started trooping out there. I stopped at this convenience store and got a big water and a monster java. Mean Bean flavor. Kiefer inspired me. Took the train to the bus to dolores.
Dolores is beautiful. Such a nice view. Was dope to see Sahel. One topic of conversation was how we'd fuck anything that moves. Sahel told us we couldn't rizz the person she's staying with because she's 23. I'm 25 though so it's chill. I think she just didn't know that. Their homie Sky pulled up, who's a real chiller. He and Sahel talked a lot about being teachers. I think I made bro laugh when Nick said 'where the asian huzz' or something like that, and I said 'you're the asian huzz breh' or something along those lines. Flava Dave and his gf scooped us. We got cutty bangs at Mr. Liquor , which I learned is a ziplock bag that has differnt combinations of liquor and soome kinda soft/energy drink in it. I got the one that had hyphy juice, which I guess is a bay area energy drink named after the hyphy movement.
We drove to the art shoe blasting bay area rap and talking about graffiti and skating. It was lit. Sky's the only fool I've seen who was rocking a fitted. Felt like everyone in the bay was wearing snapbacks. We pulled up to the show and it was cool. Sahel met V Vale and bought hella stuff off him. He seemed like a bay area suslord who interviewed a million weirdos. She said her dad's doing well. I was happy to hear. Pedro Delfino and T funk were there. I saw some cool stuff. Carter's roommate's band started playing and it was cool, but everyone kinda floated outside. Just chopped it up with everyone. Got so drunk. Irl rizz failed nick and I intensely. I'm ngl I did feel some type of way about yasemin, the head who Sahel was staying with. Gave her a smooch when we went to the liq. Hope Sahel wasn't bummed. I got pretty drunk ngl.
We mobbed to sam's burgers, where apparently anthony bourdain ate all the time. I didn't wanna eat so I stood outside with Anthony Lopez and Hans. Tagged the sidewalk. Fools fucked with my hands there! I was so trashed. We left the spot and figured everyone was going home. Kinda a bummer ngl. Everyone left and I went back the burger spot cuz I didn't realize this was the last stop of the night. I ate a burger and charged my phone. Triple burger. Tasted like dogshit, couldn't even finish it. Tasted like nothing but kerosene. Trooped home drunk as fuck, don't even remember if I took the bus or walked, then just as I got back to Kiefer's crib I realized I left my board at the burger spot. Charged my phone for one second then mobbed on a lyft bike back to the restaurant, but my baord was gone. Asked these fools outside if they saw a board, and just as I asked that this fool walks out the restaurant with my baord. I just give him a 'bro that's mine..' and he gives it to me. I said thanks and 'i can't blame you it's basically a fresh deck' and he said 'that was comin home with me'. At this moment, I asked the tortx who I was talking to on hinge for their number and they gave it to me. I gave a quick call and asked if I could come meet them at the spot they work at, to which they said yes. I biked over there. It's in the mission off Market st. The tl was nothing compared to market. Huge crowds of 30 homeless people posted up on the street. So insane. I wasn't like, worried, but it was kinda wild to see. Anyways I got there and they were still talking to their coworkers. They were so huge in real life, not gonna lie. If there's such thing as a 6 pack, they had 6 rolls. They said they were cold so I gave them my hoodie. They stretched it out. I'm not joking they fr did. They knew how to use their tongue fr. In the mouth. They were turning me on so much for some reason. I told them to feel how hard they made me and they did. They said they didn't want me to come over cuz their room was a mess. I asked if they were into public sex and they asked where. Anyways we walked to their crib and I waited outside while they cleaned a little. They showered and I sat in their room. I had them take their clothes off for me and lie down, then I kissed them all over while they jerked me off. They weren't on birth control or have an IUD so I wrapped it up and fucked them. It fell out a few times cuz they were so fat. But I actually busted really quick. She said she wished I could get hard fast and I said I probably can (nah) and we she sucked my dick and we tried to fuck again and she said she wanted me to eat her out, which I did, but it was so hard cuz she was so fat and kept moving around. Anyways, that's my 40th body. Ok. Walked back to the tl, said what's up to Kiefer, and knocked.
After a horrible night spent tossing, turning, and waking up intermittently to swipe on hunge bins, I slept in until ~9 or 9:30. I felt so disgusting after sleeping in my filth, not showering after skating because I was too schlump. The apartment smelled like shit. Kiefer and I are both stinky guys.
I trooped to unexpected era coffee and they put too much oat milk in my iced americano, but it was good. The barista was really friendly and asked me how my day was. I chugged that coffee, which was easy, on account of the more-than-ideal amount of oat milk, while waiting for cvs to open. I got a whole ass thing of conditioner for so much money. Like $12 after tax. Also it's probably good my iced americano had so much oat milk, to combat gerd. I got some random shea moisture conditioner. Can't really take it on the plane, I don't think. I'm at the point where I want to go home! I don't want to go to work, though. I'm glad I have Sunday to chill. Maybe I'll call in sick on Monday. Knock on wood, I haven't gotten sick in a while. I went back to kiefer's apartment and showered. I updated this site for a while and caught up on texts. Texted Bella and Liz. Liz probably thought it was rude I kinda ghosted her ass. Hans hit me up to confirm our tatt appointment for 2pm today. I was relieved. I thought I wasn't dilligent enough with scheduling and communication so he wouldn't be down to tatt me. Nick also called me to say he wanted to come pick up his board, which he left in Tyler's car last night. I got all my ducks in a row before I decided to hit that oyster spot hans and I were supposed to go to, swan oyster depot. It was noon and he was still asleep, so it wouldn't be possible. I decided it'd be much better if we went tomorrow together, and Nick wasn't even close by the time I had al my ducks in a row, so swan, which was about a 15-minute walk from kiefer's, wasn't the move.
I decided to get a sandwich from Saigon Sandwich, which has crazy cheap sandwiches ($7) and mobbed there. While standing in line, which was out the door, I asked the guy in front of me if the spot was cash-only, and he said yes. The line had already, within a few seconds, grown behind me, so I was forced to ask this freaky fool behind me if I could venmo or cashapp him for some cash. He was either gay or retarded. Maybe both. He gave me a 50, which he said was new, but looked and felt strenge. I trusted him even though he had no idea how to use cashapp. I asked other people in line if they thought Saigon sandwich would break a 50, and this yuppie who also said I couldn't epay him for cash said he didn't know, and this old guy with 3-blind-mice-ass glasses said they probably would, since they get a lot of business. They took the 50 and I got a combination banh mi with pork, porkbelly, and beef for $7. I ate it on the sidewalk outside while waiting for Nick. It was ok. The pate was actually very good, but all on one side. Hard to get everything in one bite. I just hated how hard the bread was.
Nick pulled up on me. He was also headed to sunset but had to take the L train to retrieve some girl's hat for her, I guess. We hit the federal banks briefly, then mobbed by the new skatepark and saw Drake Johnson, then we parted ways. Some dude riding fixed, definitely a messenger, rode by while I waited for the bus. I got on and just listened to shit. Shit I made recently, then paper cranes, then countdown 2 outside world, then outside world. The bus went down Haight st which was a funny coincidence cuz Roley asked me if I went to haight. It seemed 1000% grateful dead themed and not my vibe. In the email she sent today she said she's doing really well and healing and is grateful she has a place to stay. She's looking for PHP programs in NYC, so she'll be less worried about havinga. place to stay. I forgot to respond to whather I think 'Leap Year Twins' is a good title. I don't know if it's for her manuscript or something else. I'll ask her what it means tomorrow.
Hans said no rush when I said I was 15 minutes out so I got off the bus early to grab a coffee and some water from this asian coffee shop. It was nice and roastery-coded. I liked the coffee. I got two cups of water too. Skated down some hills to Hans' place. He came and got me at the door. His place is cool as fuck. He has all kinds of ceramics and knick knacks everywhere. Really easy guy to talk to. We were both really chill. I adapted to the cali vibe. He has a cali accent for days. Real slow and pronouncing every syllable. He wasn't down to tatt my collarbone so we settled on the arm. He gave me one of the guys from his drawings. I actually wanted that guy more than the other thing I was considering but didn't like the idea of getting a face on my chest. It was good to get it on my arm. Nick popped in randomly after picking up the hat. We mobbed. It was a nice lil hangout. I think hans and I got along really well. He put me on to cool bay area rap. I didn't really peg him for listening to that kinda music, but I'm glad he did. I was making plans with this they/them tuzz to hang out later that night the whole time, but they wanted to link at 6. I successfully requested that we push back to 7:30/8. Hans had a cool fingerboard he made the graphic for. I as very content with the tatt.
We went to waller, mainly so we could take the bus to twin peaks, but we got stuck there for so long. There were a lot of homies there and Hans and Nick were chopping it up like crazy. I started feeling so awkward. Maybe because I was sober. She funk was there. She was wearing an oG growing bugs shirt. Finally, we left to take the bus to twin peaks. I should mention that I couldn't land a front smith for the life of me, for some reason. It pissed me off so much. I got 2 modelos and a cliff bar from the convenience store next to waller while Hans ran into his job to fill his water. Nick also had me take a photo of him and Hans in this photo stand-in. It was 2 socks and the bottom said 'perfet pair.' Unfortunately, due to this, we missed the bus to twin peaks and the next one was in ~45 minutes. We did the walk of shame to waller and Hans drove us up to the peaks. I was so sore, I actually didn't stretch at all until like 30 minutes into the peaks sesh. I felt weak. Nick and Hans taight me the word 'bempty' which means your social battery is empty, and I was feeling skempty. Also Hans said he shoulda given me some aquaphor for my tatt from ish, which was scabbing like crazy. I said I'd been putting lotion on it and he said lotion isn't that good for tatts. Little did I know. I drank my beer at twin peaks and felt a second wind. I got a clip for the growing bugs vid and one for the phage gang vid. Actually Hans did too, and nick got a line. At one point Hans asked me how I'm doing, maybe cuz I was a little quiet. I was fine, but schlump. Black pewdiepie pulled up, it was awesome. I'm glad I conquered my fear of hitting that spot
We walked up to the top of the peaks and this old asian guy was there asking us about some random bullshit. We couldn't find a trash for our beers. Nick gave him some advice for fungal infections and he was hyped. He takes care of his sister and she wasn't doing well after a cranial hemorhage, but also had some foot fungus or something. Only topical, not oral, he said. But the oral is more recommended, Nick said. I told him to put it in her pudding, which cracked Hans up. We skated to the bottom. It was fun. I feel like I got pretty close to falling a few times. From powersliding. Nick kept getting mad close to me, it sketched me out. Got a really cool video.
We got to the bottom and started walking up. Caught a tag with Hans. He said he liked my hand. That was a huge complimeny coming from him. Nick and I decided it made sense to bomb all the way down to the mission, so we did. It was sketch. I foot dragged for a lot if it. At this point it was fully night, so I was a lot more sketched out. We racked some shit from whole foods real quick and ate it after getting to the mission. We patrted ways cuz he had a date with his SF eater, so I skated to a bus stop that would take me to Kiefer's job. The bus actually took like 45 minutes to come so I grabbed 2 modelo tall boys and sat at the bus stop. I actually started writing out everything that happened on this day. Made me feel good to use my time well. Finally made it to Kiefer's job, a climbing gym in dogpatch, and went back to his crib.
Called Eamon to see if he wanted to mob. We decided to hit this bar called kozy kar after Kiefer got off work. Eamon shouted hi lo bar but it looked so lame. millenial, bougie, gay (derogatory). Kozay kar plays porn everywhere, it's sick. He was already sipping on a cape codder when we pulled up. We all chugged a beer and were gonna dip to sip some tall boys in an alleyway when the bartender gave us shots of fernet on the house. It was dope. Barely hard, which was good. Eamon's mom passed the day prior, which was really sad. We got beers and drank in an alleyway by Kiefer's crib. We all got along really well. Eamon and Kiefer both get along with everyone, so no surprise there was no shortage of conversation. Eamon said something about how SF and Boston are considered sister cities or something and how they're similar but I was like "helll nah breh" although SF does have more hustle and bustle than the rest of the west coast, it seems. Sf is so much more like NYC. We got a third round of tall boys and posted up on Kiefer's roof. That was a damn highlight. So baller. Smoked cigs. Went back inside and those guys did half-shots of titos. Got em fucked up. I'm glad I didn't do it, although I was tempted. I lied down on the sleeping pad to rest for a second, but accidentally knocked. It was probably around 2am I think.
Woke up really early and got a coffee from this expensive coffee shop. Very millenial, not that cool, and the coffee was good. I woke up really early. SF is quite beautiful. I know this is ridiculous, but I bought hinge premium, since I wasn't really sure where I was gonna be able to stay at. Kiefer told me it was actually fine for him to delay his backpacking trip for 2 days so I could crash with him. He had to figure out the situation with his cat anyways, so it worked out. At like 8:30 an alarm went off in the building and woke kiefer up. I had basically just gotten back from getting my coffee and was just on my laptop doing bullshit. He said he hasn't woken up that early in a very long time. We have opposite schedules for sure, lol. I went outside with him to grab a breakfast sandwich from this deli around the corner from him and it was actually really good. Bacon egg and cheese on a croissant. Actually very, very good. There was a Pirat cement tag right outdside his building, which was a very pleasant surprise.
Kiefer actually had to go to work super early (11am, rather than 4pm) for a team meeting type thing. He said that him and his employees essentially just get ragged onin these meetings lol. Something about towels being folded incorrectly. I basically just trooped to chinatown because I saw online that there was a locksmith there that would copy medeco keys, which is the company that makes Kiefer's master key. I swear to god there's a pin to get into the building anyways, but he didn;t know about it I saw other people usinh it, but whatever, such bs. Not on Kiefer's part, but on the landlord's. So I trooped to the address and the building was empty. Did some sleuthing: asked the neighboring business what happened to the locksmith and they said the locksmith moved a little down the street and was now in the asian market. Trekked there and found it, but the guy working there said he couldn't copy a medeco. I was so bummed. I kinda pushed a little: "are you sure? I saw online that you do these.." and he got all serious and said no. Well, from there I just trooped up a massive hill to huntington park while listening to the uncluded and smoked a cigarette when I got there. Borrowed a lighter from this nice guy sitting on a bench in the shade who was watching something on his phone. It was a rolled cigarette, of course, might I add. I realized it was making me pretty sad to listen to that album. I was like, "I'm in SF soaking in the sights. Why am I thinking about them?" It still makes me sad, it's unfortunate.". Maybe being in a new place where I don't know a lot of people made me miss comfort. I'll ask my theraipst what she thinks. I also should have written site updates in my notebook or read gravity's rainbow, but I just drained my phone battery by listening to the tunes Neek and Dane and I made in SD.
I called Nick and he told me to come to Ocean Beach park. I started my hour-long commute there. Saw one of those trolley cars for the first time. Took the train all the way to ocean beach while listening to subliminal jihad. Wyatt took coffee home and set up all her stuff really nice. She just wasn't having a great time in Wyatt's apartment, especially with the other kitty there. Wyatt sent me a funny photo of coffee standing all brolic beaming at boots while she's all sprawled out having the time of her life.
I pulled up to OB and it was sick. I pushed through the park rq and then saw this crew of dudes who looked like they were probably nick's homies, and it turned out they were. Mark, who Nick's mentioned hella times, Kevin, and Jack. We skated for a brief moment then those guys left to go get some food. I had just pulled up and wasn't hungry so I hung back to skate a little more. Kevin's a white muslim convert. This was the last straw. He had a rat tail too, so I decided I should get one. Maybe I'll also get really skinny from not drinking and the proportions of my head won't look all weird. Julien Stranger, Elissa Steamer, Peter Hewitt, and Frank Gerwer were all there. That was pretty dope. They were all ust chilling but Julien was skating. Skated for so damn long. Landed a lot of my flat tricks and a solid chunk of my QP tricks. This kid jasper, who helped build a lot of the park, apparently, was there. He chopped it up with me hella. Nick was surfing until this point, but he got out of the water and said what's up to me and introduced me to his boy Tyler, who was also surfing. Apparently Tyler had nut 7 times the night before. Very strange. Good accomplishment. We linked up with the rest of the guys after skating a little longer and got some coffees. I said it tasted good and Nick said something about 'east coaster attempts to drink coffee' or something. He's always ragging on my nosh. We were gonna go to this pool spot but apparently there was a party going on, so we just went back to OB. Kept skating. Eamon eventually pulled up with a beer and that made me go get a 12er at the convenience store nearby. It became more of a hangout spot. Eamon played skate with me and clapped me. I got him on p flip and I landed the defensive tre flip, but he cooked me. Ashlee said it was super weird to see Nick and I in SF. There was this guy who apparently had some kinda ambulance/fire dept called because he was in the ocean for hella long but he was fine. It was funny. Caused a huge crowd to amass. Anthony Lopez pulled up. I'd been hearing about him forever. We decided to go get Pho and i rode with Kevin and Mark. They taught me that 'rosas' was a term that meant shotgun and/or a good parking spot, i can't remember. They're a little edgy. As we waited at the pho spot I went to the store nextdoor to buy straights. Marlboro silver 100s. I was tired of rolling, especially all sweaty and shit. Anthony Lopez was there, real chill dude. The pho was pretty incredible not gonna lie. I got along with everyone well. I look forward to mobbing with them next time I'm in SF. A lot of them were going to LA the day after. Unfortunate. I fucked with Kevin heavy. He told me about his studies and travels in the middle east and the balkans and shit. And he's working on a documentary about all of it. He used to work as a union organizer for the city. I asked mark if I could use his phone charger bank and he said it was a white's only ting. I just said 'ok' thinking it was a joking way of saying no, but he was all like 'im just kidding, you can use it. He kept making fun of nick for being gay.
After we ate pho, Tyler gave me a ride back to Kiefer's in his van. At first I forgot my board in Kevin's car, but I got it, then Nick actually forgot his board in Tyler's van. Tyler's a real chill guy. Caterer all over the country. Went to mass a few times. Marshfield lol. Met Nora Vasconcellos 2 years in a row. Kiefer and I just ran back the previous night's events. Modelo Oro and cigs. I disgustingly didn't shower and slept in my disgusting ass skate clothes, Tossed and turned all night. Woke up at like 4:30am, most notably. I kept thinking Roley was texting me for some reason.
Today would be the day that my time in san diego would come to an end. I made sure i was up early enough for when Dane was leaving. I grabbed a coffee from hertwork and did absolutely nothing in Dane and Galia's room for a super long time. I tried to update this but it didn't take. I was too chaotic, distracted, and tired. No excuses, but the task becomes more herculean the more of a gap you create between the currecnt moment and the last entry. I was gonna have Sydney film some more shots with me and drive me to the airport but she woke up super late. I was honestly hungover as fuck and Galia said she'd drive me to the airport anyways. I probably forgot to mention that Dane and Galia hooked me up with a place to stay through their boy Kiefer, who's a real chiller. I'd been hearing about him for fucking years and he came through so clutch.
Galia and I stopped by heartworks for one last coffee before airport time. It was nice. I like heartworks coffee a lot. Smoked with Galia. Chopped it tf up. What a sweetheart, she can do no wrong. Talked about everything from Roley to Carrie to Kenna. She said "I think you're very kind" kinda out of the blue and that was a very nice thing to hear. The ride to the airport was chill and my flight was a quick breeze.
I had an enjoyable bus ride to the train in SF. It was really windy. I listened to the album by 'the uncluded', which is the kimya dawson x aesop rock duo. It's so sweet, but truth be told it reminded me of Carrie a lot. Something tells me they wouldn't like it though. Roley's more open-minded. More funky. She'd like it. Off rip I thought SF seemed dope. Took the train to Kiefer's job and picked up the key from him. Such a chiller it seems. When I met him in-person I knew we'd get along. I don't know why I thought he had a girlfriend he lived with. He had a cat named Edward though, and he warned me that the cat's feisty. With all my strength I trooped to the tenderloin. Walked all the way uo O'farrell instead of waiting for one more bus. There were hella homeless people but it wasn't that bad. There was this one tweaker yelling at this other tweaker homegirl kinda intensely, but that didn't seems uper out of pocket, all-things-considered. I mobbed pretty hard in Kiefer's apartment for a while. I went through a lot of my photos and videos and deleted the long videos. Sady brought back a lot of memories. My life is better now. Just gotta tell myself that. It's ok to feel sad though. A combination of seeing so many old photos and videos and listening to the unlcluded really made me feel sad.
Nick hit me up though and we decided to link nearby, since he was staying in the mission, real close to the tl, and we mobbed. It was teriffic to see him. I missed my guy. We met up right outside Soma skatepark and tried to hit zeitgesit bar, but they were about to close so we grabbed some beers and hung out at Dubose park. Harvey milk has a gallery in his memory at the top of the hill, I guess,. We chopped it up hella. I don't really know why but he talked a lot about his canceled friends, etc. Maybe to warn me that they were edgelords or something, idk. Whatever. It was just nice to chill with him. The sprinklers kept almost hitting us, we had to keep moving. We walked by that famous 3 stair, a 3-up-3-down but also a really long ledge I suppose. It was cool so see so many famous-ass spots. I hopped on the bus back and Nick was already basically where he was staying at. Let kiefer in just as I was getting back. We stepped outside to get some beers, then we drank em and smoked cigs in the apartment. Very fun. Chill ass guy. I knew we'd get along. He inflated me a little sleeping pad and we knocked.
One of the first things dane and I did was mob to the post office so I could mail myself the big simpsons plush. We were told it was gonna be expensive, and with a box that had a lot of space it was $40 hahahah. Thanks Rami! We ended up squeezing it into a smaller box which only cost $20. Still not ideal but kinda funny. Dane got some kinda pastry and ate it outside while I drank some water. We went to balboa park so I could skate the fountain manual pad, the ledges on its boarders, and the slappy ledges in the plaza. Dane kinda just read a little. I didn't last super long, not gonna lie. It was so fucking hot out. And my leg felt weird from the tatt. We definitely got a late start on this day. After I was gone skating, which I felt pretty satisfactory about, I hopped out of the Dane's car to go stkate the loading dock wallie ledge at von's. It ended up being so fucking hard. I could not hit it. Sad. I decided to just hit señor mango for a smoothie, then the banh mi place again for a banh mi. Ate it when I got back to Dane and Galia's crib. Roley sent me a weird email follow-up where she said "i dont like how u avoided what i said idk about this" which made me a little nervous. I felt bad. I emailed her back and tried to painstakingly figure out what I missed or glossed over. I don't have the current bandwidth to include the saga of our emails, but the record is there on gmail. She figured out some way to get instagram on the computers there, so she dm'd me and we talked a little there. I was shocked. I thought she got out or something. That was a little, idk I guess not scary, but a little anxiety-inducing. She had been having a hard time and I had hoped she'd push through it. I asked her bout whether she'd had any luck with the anagram I sent her and she said she was confused and didn't know the rules. I explained that the words aren't exclusive to the letters that are already in the words. That there is a different # of words in the solution than in the scramble. Very hard. Anyways Sydney picked me up and we hung out in this park near her crib and I'm not gonna lie I wasn't sure if she was giving off a little bit of a flirty vibe but we drank in the park for a little and talked about music and stuff. She said we should film a triller while we waited for Theo to get home and I wasn't super duper down. Kinda just ignored the idea and it went away on it's own. We hit a mexican spot for her to get some quick food and while we waited I won her this little clip-on monster thing from the claw machine. She was hyped. I do think sydney's pretty cute but I don't wanna shit where I eat. Idk if she'd be down anyways. We finally pulled up to theo's and drank some more and watched some mv inspiration and started shooting some clips. His camera's actually super dope. much higher quality than I thought it'd be. Some kinda canon. I liked it. It's 1000x better when I'm nonchalant in videos. I looked pretty decent. Anyways Theo said all the roommates were at black cat bar, so we walked there and shot some impromptu clips. We drank and checked out the jukebox and filmed some clips. It's mad funny: the jukebox had one entry that was all an amalgamation of singles, and they had all night diner off building nothing out of osmething by modest mouse. A cutty tune. I really like that one. They were playing hella ozzy though. A cool bar. I met digigurl for the first time, and his gf Tete. Met weasel too, he was dope. Everyone actually wanted to go to blue monday, which was this goth night on monday nights at this gay club in hillcrest called EQ. I was super down cuz it was by Dane and Galia's cribs. Truth be told though, we did more partying than filming. I danced once again, which I don't usually do. I was fucked up drunk, I was slurring. Kinda wack: Omar left like 5 minutes into being there and walked all the way home to city heights cuz he doesn't fuck with gay people. The music was really good. All these fools make me want to get a rat tail. Theo filmed some random stuff that can maybe be used, but whatever. Ismahel unlocked something. He was so uninhibited, dancing all crazy. It was dope. Ish let me follow his graff account, I was hyped. When we all finally decided to leave I walked back to Sydney's car to pick up my stuff and thanked her for whipping around. She offered me a ride but I said I'd get some food and the crib was really close nearby anyways. I got a sonoran hot dog I think? Maybe just one with peppers? Idkw hat the name officially is but it was good,. It was $8, which was too much, so I just got one although I wanted two. I definitely only needed one. I slogged to the crib and knocked hard very early in the morning.
I don't even 100% remember when Sysney actually finished our song but it was ready before the show yesterday. It was sounding crispy. Neek slept on the couch the night before so Dane, Neek, Galia and I met up with Rami and Pierce at Señor Mango's for smoothies and tortas. A great way to start the morning post-show. Pierce asked me if 'I and sevenmillion were a "thing" which I thought was funny. I just said nah, she's bad but she's the homie.
The smoothie was realy good but the torta kinda gave me gerd. After we ate we returned the generator and sub. Dane and I resided to chilling before I got this tatt from Ish later. He was smoking some weed and I took a hit for the fuck of it but accidentally got so fucking high. What a reversal of intention. This is why I can't smoke weed. I can never be normal. I was so confused. Galia left, then came back, then we walked her to her car, then she drove to bronx pizza while Dane and I walked, then we ate pizza and I was trying not to crack up the entire time. We ate a little pizza, which was honestly trashed, and I drank a soda in hopes that it'd kinda wake me up a little, then dane and I walked back to his crib and hopped in his whip to hit Ish's.
It was mad good to see Ish. I missed bro. I felt like I was a little awkward because I was high, but everything went well. By the end I forgot I had smoked and wasn't high anymore. I love Omar's knick knacks. Omar is Ish's new roommate who sleeps on the couch. He has a great knick knack collection. So for a machine tatt, I expected it to hurt a lot more not gonna lie, especially with the position it was in, but it was all good. He must have used a lot of that numbing stuff. He touched up Dane's tatt too. I asked him if he'd be down to send Roley an email or something. He said he can't give her a place to stay, which is very reasonable, but that he's see what's up anyways. He really likes her tatts. Roley felt a little self-conscious, but it's true. Ish fucks with her tatts and would be down to trade. I like the way my tatt turned out a lot. I met Theo, one of the roommates too. He's a real chiller. We decided that Dane and I would drive home, then I'd take his bike to mob to North Park for this show Ish and his roommates and friends were going to. We talked about some graffiti stuff too btw. It kinda seems like they're not hyped on ipad, which is valid. Their crew, gc is sick. Erect, Tdek, Weasel, Perrito, Sukit, Webcam. GC was described by Theo as the only non-retarded crew.
My bike ride to North Park was flat and very pleasant. I told Syndey to come through and she almost did but she ended up not. She lives in city heights too, same neighborhood as the GC house, which is very close to Northpark. A walk honestly. This dude Eric Schroader was playing at soda bar. I'd heard of soda bar, as it's the main place people play when they come to SD, but it was way different on the inside than I thought it was gonna be. Not super sick. But I was hyped to mob with Ish, Theo, and Omar. They had another homie who I guess is really tight with Ish's girlfriend who just moved to the bay named Blithe. She was cool. And they got another homie who makes grills. This is a good reminder to hit her up. Anyways we chainsmoked outside soda bar while the fools were still figuring out my vibe. Eric was hyped that I knew nick. Rare. We ended up walking to this spot called cricket's that was super divey. Blithe drove. They had an electronic dartboard with perforations for darts with rubber tips to poke through, and it would register turns and hits on the screen. It was insane. It didn't work super well because if younwent to take out a dart it'd possibly register as another hit from the pressure of putting your hand on the dart to take it off, but it was ok. It was fun. Ish beat me! They bar was playing rick and morty on one tv and an old black and white movie on the other. Strange ass place, I'm so glad Ish found it. Everyone was really nice. I had fun. Decided Theo could film the vid for my song with 7million tomorrow. biked home. Knocked pretty hard. A great night. Oh also this bar had the FAT pbr tall cans for $7, unheard of. They also had miller genuione draft, which I'd never seen before in my life. So many fun people who were appreciative of my swag there!
Today's the day. Show day. We picked up the sub and generator, then got some sandiwhces. Very early in the morning. Only enough time for me to run to heartwork rq. So at this point we didn't realize you're not supposed to store a generator in any position other than right-side up, so oil started leaking all over the car. It was horrible, the smell was awful. We realized after we got back from the sandwich place. So we got back to the crib and started getting ready for our sets, making playlists, adding keys, testing autotune, etc. I edited the video Syndey and I shot yesterday and I thought it turned out pretty funny. We posted it. Rami came over for a little and it was great to see him. He gifted me this massive 3-eyed fish from the simpsons, lol. He got it at kobeys and said I can take it as a carry-on. Most rami gift ever, lol. I am going to need to mail it to myself. Still, im hyped on the gift. That's really my uncle. I gave him a go-gos crazy bones in exchange. Neek and Dane decided to get a differet generator since they looked it up and oil leaking is 100% not normal and you're not supposed to have the generator in any position other than right-side-up.
At this time Galia also started feeling like shit and took a ride to the ER. She started having chest pains apparently. Probably from over-exerting herself trying to put the generator into the car. She hung back, sadly. So I rode with Neek once again and we pulled up to the ditch at like 6:30. Started caryying everything in with Dane and Andrew. Holy shit was it hard. I wish I had a headlamp too. The only thing that really, really sucked was the big crate that had everything in it. An easy 2-person job and a hellish 1-person job with the big light balancing on top of it too. Anyways we got everything set up and with andrew's help we had everything set up and loud as fuck!!!
I worked some door, sydney tried to collect straglers, and we all mobbed while waiting for enough people to show up to justify starting the show.
Dane was pretty stressed. I turned the fuck up for the palmset set. Doing palmphage was difficult because we had to pass the mic back and forth hella but we made it work. And Syndey's set went really well. And I feel like I went pretty crazy during my set. It was very fun. I caught a floor tag on the ground at the start of the show. After my set was done I chilled out a little. Andrew killed it, then juan killed it. Gus went nuts on the visuals. The palmset set was also crazy. I'm so glad pierce performed. He was so fucking geeked. It was great to see him. After all the rap sets were done he was so excited to chop it up with us. He was too geeked. He kept saying everything was 'crazy'. Sydney's coolest homies were definitely Angie, Jesse, and Courtney. I definitely want to mob with them next time I'm in SD. I don't really know why but for some reason I wasn't expecting fools to fuck with me that hard. It was awesome that everyone fucked with me! I danced so hard. Like never before. I'm not a dancer. Everyone knows that. Idk if I was hitting moves but I felt uninhibited. Syndey gave me so much wine. What a sweetheart. Someone had a coffee vape. It tasted good. Oh I forgot to say that someone dm'd the palmset account saying that the drainage ditch spot has gotten rolled in the recent past so we should delete the reel we made. We regretably did. But that person showed up and they're this sweet but little ass kid who seems hella new to the sd scene. It's funny that they were talking like such an authority. It wasn't that bad though. Well-intentioned kid. But anyways, I met them and they were chill. I liked my set's track selection. The song with sydney went hard. We performed again after all the dj sets were done because basically a whole new crowd showed up. 3 songs each. I met these dudes bruin and guy who are really tight with dan. I'm sad he wasn't able to be there, but I'm sure he wqas having a great time in NY. I'm not gonna lie, I mobbed super hard after after the show was done and just chopped it up OD while a lot of people volunteered to carry shit. The show was a huge success. Someone had the incredible idea to pull the car up on the freeway and load shit in from there. Much, much closer. So many people helped. Rosie, who i met alst year in January because I accidentally walked in on her while she was taking a piss, was there. I thought she was being hella flirty, not gonna lie, but I guess she's long-term dating Ali, Dane and Galia's good homie, who we actually got a lot of the equipment for the show from. She was really hippie-style when I met her but was wearing this really cool chore type cardigan when I saw her at the show. Very indie sleeze, not gonna lie. Very sailor. It was cool. So she said she could possibly hook it up with a place to stay at in the bay, and funny enough, it'd be at the house where they filmed the princess diaries. Her homie sara lives there with her byfriend and they each pay like $800 each, which is insane. It ended up not working out though, because they had one of their families staying with them during the time I was tryna crash.
After everything was squared away, everyone went their separate ways, but Dane and Neek and I mobbed to this mexican place Anext to the ditch called adalberto's for burritos. This was the best burrito I ate in san diego. It was very good. It felt so good to recap the night with the guys. Knocked pretty damn hard when we got home at like 3am.
Woke up and got a coffee from Heartwork. I tried to find a place to warm up skating before I tried the wallie-50 type thing behind Von's near the crib. I decided to just warm up at that spot, but a few minutes into my warmup a truck backed in to unload and totally fucked me up. I still warmed up and landed all my tricks, albeit probably not my best, then trekked to find a manual pad. I skated this sidewalk and did a manual, then tried a nose manual. The truck that was loading in drove by so I wet back to try the 50, but Another truck was loading in, so I just went back to Dane and galia's and showered. Galia was gonna make breakfast which was really nice of her. unfortunately, I was shitting up my back after showering so I was very delayed in eating with her. I always end up spending way more time with Galia than I expect to. Dane wakes up pretty late.
We walked around all over sd. Went to Bab, went to the park, got el zarape, fingerboarded, then around 3:30 we waited for sevenmillion to pull up and test her setup. It was mad sick to meet her. Some of her songs had the incorrect key so we adjusted them as needed. She was hyped on the setup though. I fw her a lot. After testing the setup we mobbed to the show location and checked it out. Sydney wanted to film a promo video and that's exactly what we did. Some awkward takes but we warmed up. We talked about music hella. And she's 24. I was a little worried that we weren't going to hit it off, mainly because I didn't know her age. If she was like 20 we definitey would not be mobbing.
After filming, we decided to hit the beach. We couldn't hit it tomorrow because of the show, and I was getting tatted by Ismahel on Thursday, so I couldn't really swim for the whole trip after. Anyways, we dropped some stuff off at the crib and Galia stayed back, then Dane and I linked Syndey at the beach. In the care ride Dane said that Syndey put up with my 'constant name-dropping' which kinda worried me. I often think chance coincidence connections are fun and I don't wanna seem clout-chasey. He tried to backtrack and tell me it was fine and we know a lot about music, but he's right. Oh well, why should I change? We got to the beach (I think a litle later than we'd hoped) and hung out on this big rock. Apparently both sinan and basti got stung by sting rays at this beach. We drank and smoked and hung out hella. It turns out Sydney used to date hackle and just visited him in LA, lol strange. She really fucks with the open I sent and will try to hop on it asap. We had a fun time at the beach, then parted ways. I had a date with this gruzz from hinge. Idk if I mentioned her before but she writes ipad. Kinda lame not gonna lieipad. Dane let me borrow his bike to go meet up with her at sidecar bar, which I guess is kinda close to old town SD? Really sketchy area apparently, idk. Maps took me down the fucking highway, no lights, extremely sketchy, down this massive hill on washington street. Kinda the only way to get to and from hillcrest, apparently. The bar, recommended by her (liz) was so fucking wack... She had me buy her a $15 cider and fucking spilled it on the ground. I was tryna play darts, she was tryna play pool, it was just awkward. She brought her skateboard which was also a little goofy. She was so broey. Controversal to say of a trans woman for sure but no one will ever see this. It's fine. She simply was a bruh girl, which is ok. Just not really what I was looking for. Anyways after chopping it up about pretty much only graff, we decided to go to a liquor store in proper old town and get some pacificos and just post up somewhere. She's super into homeless people and aid and shit and this homeless woman came up to us asking for a cigarette and they talked for a little. Also apparently she got suspended from one of the colleges in the area for writing on campus. Gruzz is toy!!! She put me on to some interesting toy music too, idk, i'll probably never listen to it again not gonna lie. She was lying on her back looking at the sky for a while too, commenting on the stars. That's kinda near when I asked her if she wanted to kiss. We smooched. It was fine. I walked her to a spot her uber could pick her up at, because she couldn't have me over, and she dipped. I biked back to Dane and Galia's and avoided the massive hill. I was pretty faded, I believe. If I remember correctly. Quite sure I knocked as soon as I got back. I was bummed the crack card declined but it's ok. The bike ride was actually really nice. Thank fucking god dane let me borrow his bike. It would have been pretty hard to get around without it. I had to do the whole double-locking thing with the wire lock around the wheels.
Oh and I tried to stop by 711 to get a hot dog or something but they didn't have any. The only thing open was this chinese restaurant. When I walked in the 2 people working the counter were 2 russians. They might have ben siblings, possibly. They seemed young. I later found out that a lot of Eastern Europeans go to SD for college, so maybe that was their deal. Everyone working in the kitchen was chinese. Caught some glimpses and some people crossed the barrier into the restaurant for xyz business: cleaning, paperwork, etc. Not like I waited long for my beef and broccoli. It was just kinda funny: the russo-chino alliance.
The longest day ever. Drank my coffee in bed while formulating my IG post. Looked up Roley's treatment facility address in our DM convo. It was nice to look back at some of our old messages. "I still can't believe you made me cum twice in a night on more than one occassion." "ofc I'm good at what I do...I think ur so cute i like that im not shy to look at u...Sometimes I'm shy to look in the eyes" "I'm glad I'm an exception" "But I can look at u" "I'm getting hard at my desk" "That's so hot...Wish I was there...I love public sex...Maybe......"
Jetted to the lab. Taking care of business. Didn't wanna do much. At one point I walked over to the VWR Summer fair and ate 2 slices of pizza, pepperoni, although I usualy try not to eat too much, or rather anything at all, befire wings on wednesday, Early in the afternoon I trooped to this locksmith/key store in porter square called 'Commonwealth Lock Company'. Just wanted to break up my day and make sure I wouldn't be too busy later on to get my keys duplicated for Wyatt. Jetted back to work and finished all my tasks, or so I thought, then jetted to Gabe's place to drop off his polaroid camera. Fujifilm instax mini 8, if we're being particular, not polaroid. Stopped by the davis square post office to mail roley's package. Paid an extra $5 for 3-day priority shipping. Should get there on friday 250815. I realized, after this, that i forgot to replenish the E3 water for the embryos in the facility, so I regrettably mobbed back to the lab for that. I was pretty fucking tired and it was hot out.
After that, I biked as fast and furiously as possible to Lulu's. Chugged that high life before the wings even came out, and they came out fast. I have an anxiety disorder and need to drink to feel normal. I never got a call from the psychiatrist at atrius health. I'm starting to think I might really need to reach back out. Ate those wings and jetted home before biking to carter's. It was nice to drop my stuff off and pick up my tobacco. My bag was so heavy. I stopped by the liq for a twelver of delos and, for whatever reason, walked into the cvs nextdoor and grabbed a dr pepper cream soda out of the fridge, put it in my bag, and walked out. Damn near felt like I was gonna pass out. Got to carter's and drank beer, talked shit, smoked cigs, listened to music, and chopped it up with Vitto and carter. James said what's up too. Vitto's still so fucking clueless sometimes. He really can't remember shit. Anyways, I left at like 7:45 to stop by petco and get cat litter. got home, replaced the litter, and cleaned coffee's stuff. Packed for the trip. Wyatt came and it was a struggle to get coffee in the carrier. Poor thing shut down, she froze she was so stressed. Wyatt showed me a good trick where you can cover a cat with a towel to put them in a carrier so they don't know what's going on. She scratched Wyatt really badly when he tried to pick her up. Nail clipping failed. I'll have the vet do it the next time I bring her.
So Wyatt actually fucking forgot the food, whoch I had to run and get, then also forgot the keys, which I ended up just putting under the back porch doormat. After all that was over, I kinda just scrambled to shower, etc before Bella came over. I didn;t even really know what the plans were until she said 'ok i'll walk over now' and I was like 'to mine?!' and she said 'where else?' Well, she came over and I showed her around and we kissed a little and I closed y door and she said 'i don't want to do anything else tonight' which I said was fine, but it did kinda suck how my crack card declined that hard. Second link? What does she think's going on? Anyways we watched this movie she wanted to rewatch called hardcore henry. It's Russian and kinda action/sci fi. Very video gamey. It was all first-person and kinda confusing and I was struggling to stay awake once again but whatever. After the movie was over we just made out for like a fucking hour. I told her that I like the way she uses her tongue and she went really OD with it. We basically just tongue-fucked each others mouths for an hour. She said her tongue works in other places too. I told her the same. She said she thought the 'mad good at eating box' answer to my hinge prompt was about eating mac and cheese. Idk what's up with this girl. I asked her if she wanted to spit in my mouth and she said "whoah not tonight but in the future." She's confusing. Has she never tongue kissed anyone before? I feel like I'm working with a real amateur here. She's not a bad kisser though, although she said "I feel like I'm bad at this." She said that she never kisses anyone in front of other people. That was strange. She said when her roommate pulled up on us the first time she linked she was really worried that they saw us kissing, but they swore they didn't. Such a childish fear. Whatever. She tried biting my lip a little too, but wasn't very successful. So yeah she left pretty fucking late evn though I had my flight the next day at 8:40am. I jerked off as soon as she left. It felt like I came more than I ever had in my life. Literally the meme of when the banana looking like a leaky tip that says "after x hours of just kissing". Kinda wild. I hope I can crack next time cuz wtf. Knocked way too late. Must have been like 1:30 and I think I set my first alarm for 4:30.
Woke up early. 6:15 on the dot. Shot up and made a coffee. Felt really groggy. Practiced some letters. I think I made a pretty cool 'stink' tag for Roley. I also took some nudes for her cuz I was all morning-wooded up. Gonna send her her letter tomorrow. I really want to make an anagram for her to decipher. Maybe 'i'm a pug and you're a corgi.' But maybe I can reference something else.
Jetted to work and got there just before 8. After the lab meeting, which went fine besides me almost pissing myself, that's an exaggeration, I screened some fish then bolted to whole foods for 2 pizzas. Kinda bold. I had given up on skating today but I ran into Ryan while getting back to the lab and he told me he was trying to skate later. It's also so hot out. Worth it though. Better than drinking. I wanna write something quizzicalist and come up with a good anagram for Roley though. Honestly something really sexual could be good, like 'i miss the way you choke on my dick,' or 'i miss eating you out' but I want the anagrammed phrases to be related. Did a lot of fucking off today. Leaving work at 4:30. Also I gave Ryan my tube, idk why. I'll go get a new one after I leave work. And tire levers.
I mostly just need to set up fish and isabelle just left. I'm mostly free.
I think I left work around 4pm. I'm updating this at 12pm on 250813. Everyone bailed on skating. And I bailed on tunes. Truth be told I needed some time to just relax and be by myself. I went to cambridge bicycle and got tire levers and a new tube. Also pumped my tire and my bike felt better. I stopped at TJs for some food. I really didn't need to get so much but I did anyways. I sent Jason the 2 opens I promised him. biome exposition (daramtis personae) and that one song prod apollo avril and me (although im ngl, i don't think i deserve a prod credit). I write something quizzicalist for Roley. I wasn't that proud of it but part of it is the automatic aspect, the pressure. It's here. After I got that done I went to the liquor store and got a 6 pack of modelos. So much for sobriety. I am confident I can do the 2 weeks when I get back. And it'll be essentially be 3 weeks until ICarvedHopeFest. This is awesome!
Right as I was going to kick back and drink a beer and smoke a cigarette I got a long email from Roley. I got really scared at first actually because the first line was "I am sorry to myself for responding to you. Fuck" Strange. Made me think she was mad. Then she clarified some things in her manuscript. She wrote "thanks for reading all that twice. I am embarrassed by the quality of many of them. They are for me." and ended the email with a short paragraph: Do you miss me? Do you think of me? Have u replaced me? oops. I am getting really sick of being here with the lack of freedom. I am homeless outside of here tho. whatever. I had a dream u got back w ur ex the night between sunday and monday. I think seeing y ou again would be a very bad idea for me but these emails get me so excited. I told myself I wouldn't email u back till I got a letter from u but Im dying of boredom so." I guess it's nice to know I have that grip on her. It boosts my ego. I fucking miss her. I responded: "This is really funny because I'm about to send out your letter. I don't know why but I got it into my head that you were like, not supposed to communicate with the outside world but the treatment center was letting you, under the guise that it was to publish your manuscript, so I was just trying to play along with your professionalism. Just in case." Then I responded a little about the poems. I said "You don't need to be embarrassed. I'm embarrassed by everything but it's for me too." I concluded my response with "I miss you so much, I think of you every day, and no, I haven't replaced you. I don't think it's possible to replace you. You're very unique. You know that. It's impossible to replace anyone, but if we're speaking casually, I think it would be very difficult and take a long time for me to find someone who makes me feel the way you do. You know how much I like you. I like you so much that it makes me sad. But I'm glad we're still in contact. I'm really sorry it ended up being boring. I know it's only been roughly two weeks. At least you're ~1/6 done with it. Unless you leave early. I hope you like my letter. I'll obviously send another. If you're able to send me one that'd be cool, but if not, let me know. I like the format. Don't wash the shirt this time. There is still a slight bloodstain from when I broke that car's rear window, but it's starting to fade. That dream is really fascinating. I wonder why you dreamt that. I doubt that would ever happen, the ship has sailed. Am I that bad of an influence?! Anyways, I'm overjoyed every time I see your name on my screen in a gmail notification. I look forward to your next email, and again, I hope you like my letter,
Arman"
I really hope she likes my letter. The shirt too, and the writing, and the sticker that says stink x phage, and the polaroids. I wrapped them up and wrote "some of these are nsfw, open at your own risk, perv!" All done. I'll send it tomorrow.
Updating on 250815 from San Diego. I regret not writing for the past few days. It's hard to remember in detail what I wrote. cont:
I gave coffee a treat and tried to clip her nails. Poor thing cooperated the best she could. I just really wanted to do it before Wyatt got her so I didn't look like a bad cat dad. I gave her a little of one of those gogurt style treats with every nail I successfully clipped. I could only do the front ones. The back ones were 1000x harder, and the front ones weren't easy. Did the best I could and decided I would chill for the rest of the night. But after i decided to hit up Mikey and see if we could work on the outside world cds. He said his PC wasn't turning on.
Updating on
250821
. Not good. I feel so dumb and confused. Amorphous or 'untethered' may be a better word. It's gonna be so hard to catch up and remember details. Fortunately, I already got started on writing more about this day when I went to get coffee with dane and galia one day in sd.
Around 9pm I walked over to Eric. I just walked over to smoke a cig and drink a beer with Mikey but when I got there he told me he booted up his pc. We still walked to the gas station for him to grab 2 modelo tall boys, then we stopped by my crib so I could grab my lyrics for him to scan. Mikey's actually pretty down. As in down in the dumps. He's still bummed about both girls he was kinda with recently. And he went on a daytime date earlier on this day to the aquarium and dinner, where he paid for both. Crack card obviously declined. Can't blame him for being bummed. Thinking about Roley gets me down. She's the coolest. Anyways we drank and listened to records and scanned shit and started working on the lyric booklet/graphics. Dru woke up from a nap and we smoked a cigarette all together. Mikey wanted to hit dream convenience but, in all honesty, it just made sense for me to go home. I still walked Mikey to dream convenience. He got carbonara ramen and I turned on Easton walking back to go home. I edited my digicam photos for my Instagram hardpost tomorrow. Ran into Rohitler and he gave me his life spiel. He was bummed I was gonna be away cuz he wanted to hang out this weekend. I kinda half-entertained the idea of hanging out when I got back. Chainsmoked with Eamon and Ashlee was basically completely silent, as always. I believe I knocked shortly after that.
Woke up at 6 with Coffee terrorizing me. I don't know why she keeps doing that. I'll check to make sure her food's all good. I don't really mind it though, although she sneezed in my face this morning. Maybe she knows I'm leaving and doesn't want me to.
Drank my coffee and updated this site. I gotta put my laundry away when I get home, and get tire levers from cambridge bicycle. I was gonna get a spare tube, but as you know, it turned out I had the correct tube. I need to put my laundry away when I get home. It actually really fucks up my day that my mom wants to get lunch. What can I do, though? I need to figure out what kind of ink to get for this camera, the fujifilm instax mini 8. Ok I think the ink from CVS was the right stuff. I'll go back and get it today. Maybe somehow I can re-seal the packaging and return it if it's wrong. Idk.
Got to work at 8. My tube seems fine. Maybe not ideal but when it pops I'll replace it. I texted Ryan to ask him if tire levers are essential or a scam. I want to make an online puzzle that unlocks talisman, the song produced by fern and desmos. I texted John to ask him if he's down. Maybe I should gloss over the surrealist book of games real quick and see what's possible. I like the idea of finding a sentence that, when the letters are rearranged, can be used to form a large amount of different sentences. If I can find a good sentence that has many different grammatically correct combinations, then I can make it so the unique combinations are finite. Only X times you can gain access to the file. Or maybe x times you're granted access for a particular sentence. Maybe it'll randomly generate a new sentence each time you refresh the page.
Wrote some preliminary anagrams for thetamancer: hater name t (means nothing), a math center, a rent matcher, rear cent hat m (means nothing), ratchet name. I like 'a math center' the most, obviously. Tried doing our names with Kara, lol. Kinda hard. I think I should randomize the letters and see what pops out. I'm excited. Maybe they can be called "mechanograms." That's the best name I thought of, but I also thought of 'metanagrams' and 'intranagrams'. Actually I like metanagrams too.
Lunch with my mom was nice. It was chill. I suggested Noor in ball square so we went there. Very casual conversation. I thought it was gonna be more of a sit down place but I was wrong. My chicken kebab wrap was very good. I had the last 1/3 of my mom's. I took some leftover hummus home. She asked me if I'm 'hanging out' with anyone, and I think she was talking about dating. I told her I was hanging out with this girl but she left and that she gave me the tattoo. I said how she was married, I don't know why. I guess I couldn't help myself. Later I told her not to tell anyone. Stopped at the pet store for cat nail clippers. $11, more expensive than I thought they would be. Ran to true grounds to grab a coffee. I think they used broadsheet beans so it wasn't the best coffee ever. Still fine. Mom drove me back to work and I got back to it. Still need to stop by CVS on the way home for ink. My mom mentioned that it was weird to eat in the park in ball square, like she had no idea where we were. Nice area, I like it. Right by Tufts. A pleasant interaction. My momn's so nice. She told me not to get more tattoos because I might regret them.
Left work at 4:30. Stopped by cvs to get the fuji ink and leavitt and pierce to get some new tobacco. I decided not to hit cambridge bicycle cuz condoms and ink for the fuji cost like $40. No reason to space out the spending but it feels better. When I got home I lazed a little then did the dishes and put away my clothes. I vacuumed. I shaved and showered and got ready. I always end up being late, and I didn't want to be. I took some polaroid/fuji pics for Roley. I'm mailing out her letter tomorrow. This girl I'm linking seems really fun. I hope she's not too much of a derpina and is down to clown. She asked me to come over before we go see this movie so maybe that's a good sign.
Just shaved n showered n got ready. And I went over. I'm updating this at 12:57pn on 250812, which isn't ideal, because maybe if I wrote last night I would have remembered details better, but whatever. She was really bubbly and derpy and nice. I think she used to be a lot skinnier than the is now, but she's not really fat at all, just a little thick. Did not have the vibe or look I expected her to have. She's fun to talk to but pretty normal. I mean it seems like she has quips and shit, but idk. She just got this really cute cat named nina. We played games. Like I tried to guess her childhood dog's name, which ended up being radar. She said it was a palindrome and something used by meterologists but I was totally lost. She guessed coffee's name pretty quickly. I dropped a fake $100 on the ground cuz I thought it would be funny and i think she thought it was. We walked to the movie in coolidge corner and she let me borrow her crew neck dartmouth sweater in case the theatre was cold. I think she just wanted to give me something. Weapons was cool, really well-made. The beginning was kinda confusing and not that dope and I kinda just assumed it was a social commentary type movie but everything came together in the end. Another Zach Creggers banger, that's all I'll say. I thought one of the themes was to be careful and pay attention to detail when placing blame, and also to listen to children and pay attention to red flags from them and their warnings more. Bella said she thought a theme was that you can't use other people to sustain yourself, which I liked. She's really chatty and easy to talk to. She has a really beautiful face, like, conventionally. I'm surprised she likes me. Crack card declined on the walk back to LA though, she said "it's funny how we'll split up and it'll be a 30 second walk home for each of us" and I said "I'd be down to hang out more, you can come over if you want." And she said "maybe next time, because it's 12:30 on a Monday." True. We went to a late showing. She said I have a calming presence and she's usually more shy meeting people, which made me feel great about myself not gonna lie. We got to her stoop and she said she'd walk me to mine. We got to mine and I asked if I could give her a kiss. She said yeah and I leaned in. She had nice lips, but didn't really lean forward, so I felt her tits, which are truly pretty massive, pressed up against me. Then her roommate got out of a parked car and walked over. This transmasculine enby-type person. They seemed chill. Anyways I gave Bella one last smooch with my arm around her, touching her neck, and sent her on her way. If I forgot to mention, she lives at 77 Easton st, like 3 houses down. She said she's seen me before. I respect her grind but she's so normal, there's nothing there. When I pulled up she was wearing crocs. Still wanna crack though. I inside my apartment and finished my steak from yesterday and knocked. Also drnak 2 beers before my date. Not proud of it, but whatever.
Woke up relatively late. Made a coffee, did laundry, watched Ren and Stimpy. I like this quote from Ren in one of the space segments: "well, we’ll probably continue to mutate, then our very molecules will, more than likely, begin to break up. I’m sure our atoms will disperse slowly throughout the universe. I guess it’s hopeless."
I recorded an open for 7million prod avril popmos and apollo that I'm actually really hyped on. The lyrics, which she asked me to send her:
1 2 1 2 one too many lies
tryna see what’s in your mind
so scared you’re looking paralyzed
feel the tension pressurize
looking at the skyline
you can trace the outline
buggy smoking pesticide
use your real eyes, realize the real prize
fern forgot this life a dice roll so we rolled some dice
3 sides, 3 outcomes like a stoplight
i need 4 sides, knew this shit would happen, had the foresight
he tryna act all tough, he thinking that he forsythe
got margie on, not rocking no adidas, still had to earn my stripes
nobody knows this side of me, im living out, like, 2 lives
retail therapy, i love to hear the card swipe
everyday im chainsmoking stoger like it’s mob nite
know you think i fouled you but there’s no way i could apologize
Later on she responded and said it's cool. She asked me to send it to her email even though I sent it as a downloadable google drive link, lol. I told her she could download it from there but I can send it if it didn't work.
I showered without putting anything in my hair and jetted to the lab at around noon. Hadn't eaten anything. I saw there was a banh mi special at yume wo katare so I set my sights on going straight there after feeding the fish, which is exactly what I did. I could have listened to subliminal jihad or something while feeding the fish but I pretty much just listened to that open I made on repeat, liking it more and more. The lyrics are kinda incomprehensible though. It'd be great to film a video for it while I'm in SD. Maybe we can make more songs though.
I left the lab and jetted to yume. waited in a long line. Listened to subliminal jihad. $18 for the sandwich, then + tip it came out to a little over $21. Fried, but worth it I guess. Finally at at 1:18pm. Kinda fucked not gonna lie. Not because that was my first meal but because I used to be able to go until even like 8pm without eating a single thing in the day. This reminds me of when I smoked weed during the last game of the celtics finals in 2024 and got so high I started hallucinating and Carrie had to take care of me. I'm lame. It happens though I didn't know wnything about weed. They were totally sober though. I laugh reminiscing about how they first started feeling a little high from their tincture. A positive during a hard time. Obviously the adventure went south. Anyways the sandwich was really good. Perhaps the only Banh Mi I'd seek out. But actually, since I've already had it, Idk if I'd get it again. It was the best banh mi I've ever had but I just don't really like banh mis. Sorry. The bread was great though and the broth elevated it so much. After eating I biked to Davis to pick up the fujifilm mini camera from Gabe. A quick exchange. He asked me if I was skating today and said he was about to go to lynch. I said no but if I skate tomorrow I'll make sure it's at night.
Biked to prospect hill on the community path and locked my bike on top of the hill. Walked to the brazillian market to get a water but they only had small poland spring water bottles so I demoralized myself by getting a pineapple juice. It said it had zero sugar but it was sweet as well. It had pulp though which was nice. I don't want to make these kinds of drinks a habit, though. I started reading over Roley's manuscript in print form and writing handwritten notes. I was probably like 1/3 through when I felt a compulsion to shit my pants, so I hopped on my bike, skidded down prospect hill, and jetted to the lab. Butthole hurt a little after, not gonna lie. It's too bad, I was enjoying my time on prospect hill. It was relatively shaded so it was kinda cool, although I wish I had a clipboard or something, that's all.
I got to the lab, drank so much water, and started writing. Joyce honestly kinda bothered me a lot by asking about what I thought about her research and being all secretive but I played along and tried to be helpful. Fern finished sequencing the first draft of the Ode to Toy video and it looked dope as hell. I'm so happy we're so locked in. Fern is a dear friend. I finished reading Roley's manuscript and taking notes. There was some stuff the third time that I hadn't realized the first and second times I read it. She's smart. I set up some fish for injections tomorrow. I called fern before i left the lab and asked if he wanted to go on a bike ride. He said yes so I started biking to his place.
Popped a flat at the train tracks. Called him and rain checked. He said he was about to leave. I was walking back home when he skirted up next to me. That was nice. We walked to harvard and smoked a cigarette. It feels like I'm finally getting very comfortable around my dear friend fern and there is always something to talk about and the silences aren't awkward. Then we walked to cvs because he needed deodorant and I wanted some film for the fuji camera, but I need to do a little research on what kind of film I need and he couldn't find his deodorant. We parted ways. It was a nice lil hang.
Facetimed Dane on the way home and asked him what the whole setup would be for the show on the 16th. I also told him I'm probably getting tatted by Ismahel on the 17th. Idk why I said probably. It's locked in. It made me so happy to talk to Dane. He said he was reading a book about San Diego to Galia when I called. That's romantic. I wouldn't think to do that. Maybe one day, but I think I'm too inhibited. Maybe if I get some medication to keep my anxiety disorder in check.
I stopped by TJs for a steak and some more butter. This kinda needs to stop lol I'm spending so much money on food now. Whatever. Still better than drinking. I want to cave tonight after finishing my letter to Roley. Whatever. Anxiety disorder. I'm already demoralizing myself as it is. Regret. We'll see.
When I got home I went on Youtube for guidance and I changed that damn tube. I feel like a man. It feels good. See what's possible when you're not drinking? Awesome. Makes me want to drink. Anyways, I need to go get some levers for popping the tire on and off, just to make shit easier. Actually what I need is some kinda universal tool, and a knife. Anyways I used a tube that's too big for my bike cuz that's all I had, or so I thought. Turns out I had the correct size tube and it was right in front of me but I missed it like a buffoon. Oh well, at least I know how to put the actual replacement on now.
Started watching that Arthur Russell documentary, then cooked. I ate like 2/3 of the steak but I'm saving the rest for tomorrow. Got a little guac left too. Ate way too many tortilla chips. I'm supposed to go on a date to the sil with this girl tomorrow. Awkward because I'm 'not drinking.' I think I'll demoralize myself and have 1 or 2 drinks. I gotta get some condoms from the store. She's kinda derp but she looks cute. I hope she's not boring. She's an accountant. But anyways I got 2 girls to respond to me from the 'don't dub me ur fine' method. It works!
I tried to watch more of the documentary but decided to update this instead. It would have been a lot to update at work tomorrow. I think I'll try to write my letter to Roley now.
I wrotw my letter to Roley. Handwritten. Coffee, the poor thing, terrorized me the whole time. I got some cute photos. I also scanned her manuscript with my notes on it and sent it to her with the typed notes, as well as book recs: "I'd recommend agua viva by clarice lispector, distant star by roberto bolaño, the three ecologies by felix guattari, the crying of lot 49 by thomas pynchon, and if you want some marxist critical theory that is (in my opinion) hard to understand but extremely rewarding, society of the spectacle by guy debord." I cracked a beer at 11:34pm. Let's see if we can do this whole sobriety thing again. Gonna watch more of the Arthur Russell documentary.
Finished it and it was really good. I got quite emotional when it got to the part where it describes his death from AIDs. Poor guy. Made some weird ass music. I honestly wish it were a longer documentary, but apparently he was a pretty elusive guy. Him being really hard to work with reminded me of what Vitto said, that I first disagreed with, but now somewhat agree with, which is that it takes ego to be a great artist. If you want things to be they way you want them to be, your creative vision, you don't want compromise. Sometimes it's better if one person's vision is executed rather than if it's compromised by a others'. Grimoire video for example. Damn.
In total I drank 2 beers, not great, but could be worse, and fell asleep at like 12:30.
Woke up to Coffee terrorizing me. After like an hour of it I shot up and made myself a coffee. I really wanted to listen to that song 'close to you' by the cure for some reason. Spanky skated to the remix in 'this is skateboarding' which I also watched (just his part I mean). I also relistened to that really nice song 'misdemeanor'. I think Bobby Worrest skated to it? Either way I really like that song. There's a new song by Elias Ronnenfelt, yung lean, and foushee that's really sweet. Watched some Colin Fiske parts. Finally watched his part in power suck, still not the full video yet, but it was pretty good. Kinda sucks how the camera was inconsistent though. HD lame. Not to be too reactionary. Lazed around, showered, tried to make plans with fools to make music later, and wrote this while my hair dried. I'm going to eat some blueberries and maybe a few chips with hummus then go feed the fish and figure out who's skating where. Gonna listen to Neil Hamburger's 'Great Moments At Di Presa's Pizza House' while feeding the fish and also print out Roley's manuscript so I can write in it. It'd be nice to read in the park after cleaning and taking care of business tomorrow. Maybe I can clean, feed the fish, go to prospect hill to pass some time, then go back and set up fish for Monday injections.
Neil Hamburger's 'Great Moments At Di Presa's Pizza House' is fucking hilarious. My kinda humor. I should give his other albums a shot too. There's always something new to discover. It pretty much ended just as I finished feeding the fish. Printed out Roley's manuscript. Biked to watertown and got a coffee from Isaac at Intelligentsia. it was good. I dipped out and biked home, then went to smith to meet up with Dru. I skated alright. I felt really sore and my legs felt like jelly but I stretched and warmed up nice. I need to remember to stretch every day. I should stretch tomorrow before biking to the lab. Anyways, I landed all my tricks on the small ledge but only a front 50 and back 50 on the big ledge. This tip Sean gave me of having my back foot more perpendicular to the board so i'd pop higher was pretty helpful honestly. It makes it harder in a different way but it was good. I wasn't landing shit buttahs but my tre flips were on point for some reason. I should start trying new tricks on the small ledge I think. I already have almost all my tricks down every time I skate. My stamina's getting better. Dru did his first front 50 in years, he said. I asked him if he wanted to hit Cambridge Commons and he said yes. We stopped at TJs real quick and I got a banana, a water, and a kombucha, and we proceeded to walk. He got some kinda wrap. Chicken salad I guess.
There was this pile at cambridge commons who i was kinda fine dealing with but he annoyed the shit out of dru. He made an effort to repeat multiple times that he had piss drunx and deathwish face tatts on either side of his face. He was missing 4 fingers on his right hand and, by his word, half of one of his feet. He kept asking to ride my board but I said no I'm tryna skate and Dru said no too and he called us posers and said "what skater wouldn't let enother skater ride his board?" I said 'ur straight bro I'm just in a time crunch.' He said he used to be sponsored. I couldn't be left alone at the spot fr. I tried to crook one of the benches and these two other guys across the park yalled "go faster!" They were right, but it was annoying. I ended up landing the crook horribly. My warmup was a back 50. The ledges were really sticky, not gonna lie. I know I'm kinda anti-wax, but they needed it. I like Cambridge Commons though, it's a nice challenge. Dru was not having fun, he hated the ground. Eventually he landed a front 50 on the bench though, which was sick. I was trying nosegrind as another warmup and kept sticking, it was annoying. I was already a little pooped but I wanna go back and get more comfortable on that spot. I ollied up, gapped between the benches, and that felt on, so I tried ollie to nose manual and Dru, umprompted, filmed me. I only tried a few times and only landed in nose manny once, really. Hard trick. I think I can do it though. The walk kinda exhausted me, not gonna lie. I can't believe I thought I could impossible between the ledges. I still think it's possible, but damn. I still kinda wanted to see what Ted was up to, but I'm gonna be in the bay with him for multiple days, so fuck it, it doesn't matter. If I don't get a clip in SF then I'll really fucking grind when we get back.
Drew and I walked back and I stopped at TJs to get some food to cook later. I decided on spicy pork sausage, even though in the past it's really, really fucked me up. Being adventurous cuz I'm not drinking. I just got arugula, tomato, and cucumber as well. Also guacamole. Kinda ODing on guac but it's good for you! I'm sure I'll get tired of it eventually. When I got home Isaac called to ask me what I'm up to. I kinda just wanted to be alone but he asked if he could pull up and we could smoke a cigarette. I said yeah. I did nothing for a while, waiting for him to pull up. I checked his location and he was still in Cambridge so I started mixing that 'modern ecology' open better so fern could hop on. It sounds pretty good now I think. Maybe the bass could be boosted on the beat or something but I'll task him with that and tags.
Isaac pulled up and I indulged him for a little. He brought some athletics with him. I didn't ask for one or mention how I'm not drinking or anything. I don't want to demoralize myself. We chainsmoked on the porch and listened to music. I put him on to a lot of the songs Roley put me on to. After a solid chunk of time I said I gotta grind on mixing this song, then inside I finished mixing modern ecology. I don't know why he takes his shoes off when I don't. Bro's feet always smell like sewage. I love him but it's true. Anyways it was obviously kinda boring how I was just locked on tunes so he left. I told him I'm not really trying to ride bikes later either. I apologized for being boring and in hermit mode, but whatever. After he left I mixed talisman better. Weird ass song that's not really a head-bobber but I like it. It's experimental for sure. When I uploaded it to soundcloud it recommended the genres 'world' and 'samba' which was funny.
At this point I just said fuck it and cooked. A good nosh. I ate all the sausage which is a little ridiculous. I should chill on that. It's better than drinking but it's still demoralizing. I fed coffee and she threw up so fucking much. Poor kitty. I hope she doesn't do that at Wyatt's.
I finished watching Donnie Darko. What a horrible movie. The ending was kinda cool but idt i'd ever watch it again. So boring for 90% of the time. Also those visuals where there's a closeup on the eye and all the code runs along the screen and different things flash in quick cuts are such dogshit. Tmaybe if i saw this for the first time 10 years ago i'd feel differently but what a horrible movie damn. Maybe if i saw this for the first time 10 years ago i'd feel differently but what a horrible movie damn.
Was thinking about starting the Arthur Russell documentary but ended up just falling asleep.
Fell back asleep and woke up proper at like 6:30. Coffee was lying on my arm, claw digging into me. I made my coffee and watched some ren and stimpy. A great Friday morning. Engert lab meeting started, I walked to TJs and got some blueberries and garlic hummus. Gotta eat something with those leftover tortilla chips. Got a $5 meal deal from dunks. Ate that + some blueberries when I got home. Drank the rest of my coffee while doing the dishes. Then, put away my clothes that were out + the dirty ones in the hamper. My sheets are kinda gross I gotta do laundry. The door broke on the dryer though so I gotta prop something against it to keep it closed, I think. Rohit hadn't even been here for one fucking day when he broke the door.
Finished writing my outside world lyrics and left for the lab. Got to the lab, went downstairs to collect embryos/change water and everything, went upstairs to chop it up with Isabelle and check in, then updated the site. It's now 1:18 and I'm hoping to go make tunes with fern soon. I'm gonna come in on Saturday to feed, then on Sunday for a while, so I hope it's ok that I'm leaving really early. I'm sure it is.
It was chill that Tanya pulled up yesterday. Carrie was right, it's nice how they talk so much because it makes conversation really easy. I was honestly hoping I could reheat those nachos before they mentioned their boyfriend, who lives in New Haven. I asked if they like White Clam pizza and they said they can't eat pizza because of the cheese. They put me on to this band called Kitchen. Later, at 9:52PM they sent me their album and said "best kitchen album i was surprised u didn't know". They're so funny. I listened to the album and it was ok. The second song was the highlight. I told them thanks for putting me on and it was good to see them after listening. They work building synths, at a factory, and as a server at club passim now, apparently. And they're going back to school. Ugh. I like them. If only their friends weren't retarded and made better music. I just hate that lukewarm indie shit.
But yeah being sober def made me antsy last night. I wanted to leave the premiere as soon as the video was over. I'm glad I didn't demoralize myself.
I feel like I have abaolutely nothing to do right now. It's 2:06pm. I said I'd leave at 3. I wanna go read in the park. I'll just go fucking do it, I don't care.
Updated splits for releases that I just put out. Gonna hit whole foods real quick to get a kmbucha then go to Fern's. Actually no. A kombucha would demoralize me. I'm just gonna go.
Biked to fern's and we smoked a cigarette outside. Took a wrong turn but it was nice because I saw 2 streets I'd never seen before. We hopped on a beat he made with Apollo and used dice to determine where our bars would go. In the meantime i also wrote for this beat that he and I made that I'm really hyped on. Rolled a cig and tagged in my notebook a little to pass the time.
We took a smoke break before finishing that song and starting the next one. Fern said he had one beverage and offered to split it with me but I said "I'm chilling, thanks, that's all you. Felt good to say that. I brushed over it, it was nice. I haven't actually told anyone I'm chilling on drinking like that, so I feel like I don't have a lot of pressure. I thought Fern and I were splitting up cuz he said he had to go scoop his friend who was visiting from Tennessee, so I placed a pickup order at falafel place for a chicken kebab wrap and was gonna bike over there. I went there once with Carrie either before or after they got a tatt from someone they gave a haircut. That was a fun time, I think. I don't remember it very well but I remember us being happy for a brief moment that day, at least. Or at least I was. I'm getting a little sad thinking about it, but it also reminds me of all the bad times. I don't regret anything though because it taught me a lot about myself. Even when I think I have myself figured out there is a lot more to discover.
Fern and I biked to falafel place and chopped it up. We were gonna go on a bike ride to the river or along the glx path but instead he ended up mneeding to pick up his friend more quickly than he thought, so we ate in the park and split up. I avoided hills by taking a different route home that brought me to central and down western ave. It wqas pleasant. When I got home I ate some hummus and chips. Too much, actually, and then I did basically nothing for a little. I decided to get off my ass and if I'm gonna demoralize myself by overeating I might as well also get a kombucha, so I walked to the store and got one. Watermelon is my favorite flavor right now. It doesn't even really taste like watermelon. Maybe I should try some non-GT Dave's kombucha. I need to remind fern to let me try some of his, from his own scoby, next time I see him. Oh also when we were biking to falafel place we ran into Lauren, which was cool. She's so dope. She's the homie. I wish her and fern the best, living together and everything. They have good heads on their shoulders. I should stop by her gallery at some point.
I was gonna start watching Donnie Darko while I waited for Jera to hit me up, then Lucas texted me to say he was bailing on our link, which is ok. He said he'll be back in early september, which is good. I called Isaac to let him know the sitch and I was probably too pooped to ride bikes cuz i wanted to skate tomorrow. He was at Brendan Behan's with Jeremy and Anna. I need to clip my nails. Ok. I also facetimed Luca and they said they were in Winchester and Mikey was in Andover. I texted Drew to ask if he wanted to smoke a cig on the porch and he said to come through cuz he had people over. I walked over immediately and Miller and Tim were over. I chopped it up with them and smoked a total of like 3 cigs. 2 rolled ones and Drew gave me a straight marlboro red. Then when they were heaidng inside I left to go home. I tried watching Donnie Darko but actually couldn't make it past the halfway point. It was only 10:30pm and I was schlumped. I fell asleep pretty easily. Three days without drinking. Awesome. I can't believe I did it, honestly. The power of fear. I demoralized myself a little by overating and with Kombucha but whatever.
Wow, 250806, my first full day without alcohol in ~6 months. 250212, the day I went to an AA meeting, was the most recent day I didn't drink a drop of alcohol. The following day I'm pretty sure I went to a meeting as well bit after I copped a 40. Devastating. Last night, as it went on I had less of an urge to drink. I was occupied and tired. This is good. I forced myself to edit the video, update the site, watch the movie. This is good. I don't want to demoralize myself. I wish Mikey/Drew hmu and we smoked a cig and worked on CDs but whatever.
Coffee shit on the bath mat, I have no idea why. I stepped on it as I was getting into the shower, which sucked. I kinda took my time waking up and getting ready for work, so I arrived at like 8:45. The bike ride this morning was extremely pleasant. It's really cool out but not windy. I don't think anyone got here before me so I can probably get away with leaving at 3, maybe. I kinda wanna finish reading Comments on the Society of the Spectacle in the park before going home. Then I'll probably take the green line to the sci fi fantasy premiere. Maybe I'll hit a quick warmup at smith. Before the premiere I wanna skate this new street spot near the garden at 35 lomasey way, right by where the premiere's gonna be. We'll see. Maybe I'll get a street clip or something. I wanna post skateboarding on Instagram.com.
I predict a chill day at work. I forgot Lucas wanted to hang out later, he hmu so last minute. I guess we'll be out late, possibly. I'd be down to throw some darts or something. Or just chill outside or something. I wanna see bro's art and talk about all that shit. That's where it's at. Maybe we could play a board game too, who knows.
I should finally watch Donnie Darko.
Screened some fish. Kinda bummed around. Ate my damn microwave burrito at 11:30, walked to the Engert lab to steal an apple. It was soft almost kinda like a pear. Ran into Luis. He's still here for the next few months I guess. He said my fish work. Walked back to the lab. Got my coffee. Best use of my time right now? Probably logging the gal4 donor. done. Now order more G-bait guide. Done. Now order that plaksmid. DONEEE!
Had a random flashback to Roley telling me that she liked how I stayed hard. Pain.
I should probably go downstairs and collect more embryos/put away fish, but I have some coffee left in my cup.
Listened to Arthur Russell. At first just his most streamed songs on Spotify, but then I listened to Calling Out Of Context and liked it a lot. Never thought I'd hear avant-garde disco. Apparently he dies in 1992 still pretty obscure and impovershed. I should watch his documentary Wild Combination. That's on the watchlist.
It was a fun 7 years of consuming alcohol. I think it was only really a problem for ~5. 5 years of heavy drinking that should have been spread out into about 15 or 20. It was fun, but I want to start the rest of my life.
I read Roley's manuscript again. I think I'll print it out and read it one more time + take notes on paper before scanning those comments and sending it back to her via email. I miss her.
Ok I guess I'll try to edit the goldfish video a little more maybe. I just wanna go read in the park. I'm trying to not demoralize myself.
I finished editing the Goldfish video, and by the time I did, and it was uploaded to Youtube, it was ~4pm. I hated the problems I was having with technology. Posted on IG and everything.
Biked to Perry Park and finished reading Comments on The Society of the Spectacle. There were some things that I kinda brushed over and it definitely deserves a more thorough reading, but I liked it and I'm glad I finished it. The sun was beating down on me and I was sweating bullets.
I biked home, but on the way I biked by big zo, ryan, and then I saw Arin, Bri, and Akwasi from sci fi fantasy outside their van, parked across the street from the sinclair. I stopped to say hi. I was a little nervous to be honest. Bri said 'nice bike' and Arin said nice hair. It made me feel good. I stumbled over my words and said something about that new skate spot by North Station and said something like 'have fun skating cambridge commons, it's a fun spot'. I fist bumped Akwasi and Jerry Hsu. I told them I'm hyped for the premiere and I'd see them later.
Arin saying nice hair makes me want to not get it cut now.
I kept biking home, but stopped at TJs for a steak, some guacamole, a kmbucha, and some chips. I was honestly starving so I ate some chips and guac + drank some of my kombucha, but a little too much for right before skating, not gonna lie. I lazed around for longer than I hoped I would and made my way to the park. It feels like when I push off I have a lot of energy and push really hard to get to the park, even when I'm sore, which is good. I didn't skate great. My legs felt like jelly even after I warmed up. That dude Bryce was at the park and I didn't recognize him for a second. He's cool. He's from DC. I look forward to skating with him more, hopefully. That dude who went to school with Leif wose name I always forget pulled up. We played skate on the low ledge for a second. He clapped me though not gonna lie. I kept trying tricks on the big ledge and it wasn't happening. I landed a pretty nice tre, and unfortunately both a mediocre pressure flip and a mediocre impossible. It's ok, it wasn't my day. I was all sore. I should stretch more. I left at around 6:45, pounded the rest of my kombucha, and showered really quick, then got all my things assembled.
I got two new emails from Roley. At 5:28PM EST:
Hi Arman,
I would love those edits, thank you so much. I am realizing that I probably won't have enough content to submit for this particular publication, but I am curious to see how your analysis compares to others. I can maybe answer some questions you have.
[hidden and in grey font]:( Roley
And if that wasn't enough, at 7:06PM:
also any book recomndations
It warms my heart that she's trying to communicate with me. I think she's trying to tell the people at the facility that I'm some kind of publisher, which is her excuse for talking to me. I want to be careful not to be weird, but I also need to play along. I don't know what's going on so I don't want to get her in trouble or ruin this. I'm going to mail her letter next week. I want to give her my growing bugs shirt, which I will wear all day tomorrow and get all sweaty, and tell her not to wash it so the blood stain doesn't fade any further, and send her a polaroid of my healed tatt, and also a polaroid of my desk and the little skate figurines on top of my speaker + the sticker she gave me on the speaker, and a polaroid of coffee and me. I also would just like to have a polaroid of coffee in my wallett. I wish I could send her a nude or something. I'm not sure if that'd be valid. But I'll send her a letter and some new writing, which I'll need to write this week. And it'll be solo. Maybe i could send her a usb with a song on it, but that's kinda overkill.
Biked to the sci fi premiere. My legs felt like jelly but it was a nice bike ride. It was sweaty for sure. When I was on the sidewalk pulling right up to the venue, this old woman was like "they built a lane for you, use it" so I said "I'm parking right here, dumbass." That was probably kinda harsh to say to an old lady but fuck do I care? My mosquito bites are annoying. Anyways I pulled up to the venue and Mae, Maydoney, Julia (random), were all posted up. I found a spot to lock my bike, then walked back up. Isaac, Tanya, Nate, Mae, and Lexy we're all walking up tg. I'm not gonna lie, I was so nervous being sober at this thing. It was kinda stressful and I felt like I was being weird. I look forward to when that feeling goes away and hope it happens soon. Anyways I said hi to homies, smoked, ects, Ryan pulled up, we waited and waited and waited for the video to play. It played and it was dope as hell. Gifted Hater's part was sick and Jerry had really really good footage in his part with Arin. Great vid. Can't wait to rewatch it, not on an angled bar screen. The venue was hilarious by the way. NFT crypto type art and bullshit like that. So gay, so yuppie.
Posted up outside and said hi to even more homies and smoked even more cigs. Epdurk saw me n we chopped it up for a little. I honestly wanted to get going but Ryan wanted to go skate this three stair that Julia, Alvin, and Low were pulling up to. Some of those ppl in that crew are so fried breh. Like so wack. Julia told me she's engaged, which is crazy. Congrats and good luck to her. She's gonna move to Portland Maine, apparently. Anyways I tried an impossible on Ryan's board and it sucked. I felt awful. We finally biked home and it was a nice chill bike ride. Isaac split off at the end of Newbury. Ryan's a chatterbox. I probably seemed bummed or something cuz I wasn't very talkative, but I just wanted to be home. I was supposed to hang out with Lucas but we decided tomorrow would be better.
Got home and immediately drank some ice water. Ryan's apartment makes me think of how cool it'd be to do a phage gang acoustic night. That'd be fun. Maybe in the winter. Cooked a steak, it was way too salty, but perfect on the inside. Didn't really use enough butter though, unfortunately. Ate it with the rest of the guacamole. Just watched a hivemind video. Was gonna save like 1/3 of the steak for tomorrow but ate it out the fridge after I had digested a little. I was really full today. Woke up with that hivemind video finished and I fell asleep. Woke up at like 4:45 with my phone dead and the light still on.
I wanted to wake up at 5 to send fern those vocals and go into work early, but you can guess how that went. I actually woke up at around 4:45. Some random hinge messages, IG dms, etc, and changed my alarm to 6am. I woke up really slowly. I felt so gross that I didn't shower before falling asleep last night. I'm disgusting. At least the apartment and my room look pretty alright.
Got to work at like 8:40 or so, what a shame. I think I'll still leave at 3 because I'm feeding this weekend. It would have been perfect and not suspicious but Emily was already in when I got in, so she knew at what time I arrived to the lab. It's ok. I just spent the first hour or so updating this. Time to actually get work done.
Frolic put me on to the album 'Pikul' by silversun pickups. Great tunes. From 2005. Kissing Families, the opening track, has really nice strings in the second half. I really like the song 'Creation Lake' too. It's really tender and the very feminine vocals are sweet. The vocals aren't as robotic on this as they are on carnavas. Very 2000s swag though. I love all their cover art, I want something like it. "There're 24 parts in a day that divides me from you" pain. Thats how I feel. Pain.
My spam told me I should follow @worlds_best_secretary. Thanks instagram. I guess Carrie got promoted or a new job or something, that's good. They lack so much confidence. It's hard not to compare people. I feel a little strange today. It's good I have therapy.
I listened to a little bit of the self-titled Saada Bonaire album. I tapped in because the last song, Your Touch, is on the playlist Roley made for me. A really werid tune. The whole album is pretty interesting, actually I didn't listen to all of it, but a lot of it is a little too 80s fir my taste. I like that one song the most though. Roley's playlist rules. So much good music to discover. Maybe today I'll finally listen to Arthur Russel.
Isaac just read Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman and now he's reading Offshore by Penelope Fitzgerald.
So I think today I can probably talk about addiction with my therapist by using my 'relationship' with Roley as a conduit. Roley and I both don't really have a lot of trouble talking about our exes because we're both going through some pretty big life changes, obviously more immediate for her, but the effects still lingering for me, from leaving long-term relationships. These are the things you don't talk about with new partners but it doesn't matter to us because we're both going through it. In addition, we're both addicts. We're some of the only people we can be open to about this and we can't rag on each other because we have the same compulsory habits. We can talk about how we fail to not be addicts and it's ok. Aside from the physical attraction, good sex, and interest in art, music, movies, lore, etc, those are two reasons that I think Roley and I get along so well.
Thinking about when fern tweeted 'alcohol is the devil.' Makes me anxious, self-conscious.
I talked to notforever because yesterday he posted on his story saying 'i don't care if it's embarassing or something does anyone in new york city know any cost effective or at least good therapists or mental health help? i'm having trouble with my insurance / finding a good one etc.' I hit him up today because I remembered how I found my therapist on Psychology Today because I put in my insurance and it just worked out. First and only one I've ever had, and it's been 4 years, and she doesn't know I'm an addict. Anyways he said he's trying to go somewhere for weed addiction. I told him that as an addict myself I applaud him for seeking help. I also told him about Roley going away. He said he appreciates what I said and that he has a couple leads. Gonna be hard to pass up that high life today on wing wednesday.
Jera going into cardiac arrest also makes me want to get sober. Stressful. I will visit him in the hospital this weekend. He's going into surgery.
I've been remembering to breathe a lot more lately. Maybe that gives me more energy. Idk but either way it's good for me. I anticipate elevated social anxiety from not drinking. Sebastian said he didn't realize how much social anxiety he had until he started getting sober.
That therapy appointment was kind of awkward. I talked about how horrible Sunday was and the aftermath and how I can't tell if people like me for me or if they want to use me and I talked about being sad that Roley left and how I related to her so much about the shit with her ex and my ex and also how we're both addicts. I told her I pretty much drink every day, whether it's a little or in excess, and she told me to take two weeks off from it. I don't think she understands the severity. She told me if I can't do 2 weeks then I probably need to consider some kind of program. I should just tell her honestly whether I've been able to do it or not. I also told her that I feel a general anxiety that probably makes me want to drink more, so she suggested I take a low dose anti-anxiety medication. She said I've grown a lot over the last few years and I have a lot of tools in my toolbox, but maybe I should add this one if I feel forced to drink. It's embarassing, I feel like a child. I mentioned Jera's cardiac arrest and how I don't want to end up like that. I mentioned how I want to restructure my life and be more productive, and focus on bettering myself instead of drinking. I want to change my lifestyle for myself. I should make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
I reached out to Dr. Emily Waldon asking if there is any way I could see a psychiatrist through atrius or if there are any referalls or anything. Just looking for being put in the right direction. We'll see. I want to stop drinking.
My therapist told me I'm always attracted the most to dysfunctional people but if I'm ever in a relationship again it should be with someone I respect.
I don't really remember wheat I did right before I left work but I don't think it was much. I went to Lulu's and bill wasn't working, so it was easy to omit the usual beer I get from my order. I ate those 12 wings and scrolled on my phone. When I got home I ate the rest of the blueberries I got a few days ago, washed the dishes, and mixed those vocals for the biome exposition and sent them to fern. I remember now the term for a list of characters in a play, usually before the play starts, is called Dramatis Personae. I also mixed some dipshit hipstar stuff better and downloaded and clipped tags. I Like Trains is sounding pretty much done now. Then, I sat outside and smoked 2 cigarettes and over the course of an hour and a half or so read the first half of comments on the society of the spectacle (reread a lot of it, didn't know what place I was at). I want to finish it tomorrow in perry park. All this while I think I successfully distracted myself from drinking. I kept thinking about drinking, but thought "i'd feel fine if i weren't thinking about drinking right now." I'd feel normal if I wasn't aware of my urge to drink. It's happened several times. Just gotta power through until it's normal. At least I don't feel demoralized. I think when my therapist said I should consider a program if I can't go 2 weeks without drinking it scared me into being on top of my shit. The idea of going to rehad or something is mostly just scary because I guess people would know. Anyways, Nick leaving means my life is more boring and I have less of a reason to drink. I want to be productive in the sense that I want to think about what the best use of my time is from moment to moment. It feels good to fill up some time right now writing.
I finished watching reality bites. It was dogshit. No surprise I fell asleep last night. Sorry Dev, bad rec, and Carrie was right, mid ass movie.
Worked on the goldfish vid a little. Starting to have hope. Sent it to exp and he said "Shots look really good Have the cuts match the beat more Some slow mos maybe "
Watched Requiem for a dream. Really sad. The sex work shit is so fucked. The music wasn't corny, although I know they used that one orchestral piece. I kinda didn't like the scene where they all turn to their sides in the fetal position. Especially since Harry didn't, idk, it was kinda confusing. But yeah really sad. I can't believe they didn't help him with his arm and just sent him to jail. But yeah, sad movie, it's horrible to be at the will of substances. It was cool how Sean gullette and Mark Margolis were in it. The techniques he used in pi, like, used to an extreme were great, especially showing psychosis. There was a lot that could have come across as extremely corny due to technical restraints of the 90s/year 2000 but it all worked. I still think the shit with the mother is the saddest because she totally lost her mind. They didn't sugarcoat it, they made her look awful.
Anyways, I fell asleep pretty much right after the movie ended.
Woke up really late somehow. I don't know why but I felt so groggy. Could barely get up. Last night I drank 3 gansetts from like 5-7:30. That was it. Improvement I guess. I'm supposed to skate and chill with Luna later. Kinda hoping she'll drive to Cambridge commons. I wanna try a trick, I can't really tell if she's tryna talk about music stuff hella or just chill or something idk. She said it's been hard for her to be social recently and in April she bailed on coming to the spring concierto because she wasn't feeling well. Idk I guess we'll see. I hope she's alright. I wonder if she still mobs with Karl and Jovel and Burger and Aviva and people. It's sad she's not friends with Alisa anymore, like really sad. I still think about how Alisa didn't come hang when they were in town, that was pretty heartbreaking. I thought they were a real homie.
Maybe i slept poorly because I drank 3 coffees yesterday. Not again today.
I was reading the last of Roley's manuscript so I left the house a little late. Stopped at TJs and got 2 microwaveable burritos and a banana. I can eat one burrito and the banana for lunch. I can also eat soem blueberries when I get home. I don't think this will weigh me down too much.
In a way, Nick made me slightly insecure about my eating habits, so maybe I'll eat a steak tonight. I don't know how long luna wants to hang out but I'd be down for a while. My tattoo is peeling a little I gotta make sure to moisturize it OD. I went downstairs to get some lotion from the whited lab and shivangi saw me and I awkwardly said "oh I was just stealing some of their lotion haha" and she said "I hope it's not lotion for axolotls." Awkward. But yeah Idk maybe i got this tatt a little too wet or something, idk. I got my tatt from wyatt wet and it was fine. strange. Anyways I'm just waiting for another email from Roley, I wonder what'll happen. So weird.
I need to read.
I read my entries from the past week or so. I edited the goldfish video a little more, I feel like something is salvageable. After that, in the last like half hour of work, I wrote out my lyrics for cross stitch and forever is only so long. Hopefully I can start figuring something out with Mikey later tomorrow. I left work around 4.
I jetted home and pretty quickly threw on my skate shoes and got out the door. I got to the park and Dev and Sean were there. Sean said he was listening to outside world on the way to the park. He said darkyard is his favorite. And he says he plays it in the skateshop a lot. Hopefully orchard will open on August 15th next to the allston bridge.
It feels like time never stops sometimes. At this point in my life I feel like there's not enough of it in the day.
I started doing some tricks before I realized I forgot my glasses straps. I also forgot my digi so I wanted to go back to the crib to get both. I jetted. I felt pretty okay, like I had a solid amount of energy. I have felt that way often recently actually. I got back to the park and landed a lot of my tricks. Impossible, pressure flip, tre flip multiple times, and also kickflip, heelflip, and half cab flip. Back D (albeit mediocre), front D, back slappy, front slappy, tailslide, front pivot, a moderately long boardslide, front 50, back 50, smith, tailslide, front nosegrind, back nosegrind. I guess that's about it. Oh and crook. Luna pulled up, can't forget that. It was great to see her. I've missed her. She has a really cool fucked up haircut now. She has niche ledge tricks. She hadn't skated in months and was still cracked. Sean was trying crook nollie heel out for hours. And he got it 5 times. Sean, Brian, and Justin Henry pulled up to play basketball in the neighboring court. I tried to do most of my tricks on the bigger ledge. I'm glad everyone else was skating it cuz it motivated me to hit it too. I got smith first try. Front nosegrind was a little difficult but I got a decent one. Kept going into noseslide by accident when coming out of crooks, but I got a decent one, at least approved by Sean. Back nosegrind was so hard. I gave up. I drank a beer and a half and just chopped it up, mostly with Dev, cuz Luna left, while Sean tried his fucked up trick. It was right after his fifth, and most pleasing make, that Lefi pulled up and we chopped it up a little. Well, I was pretty satisfied with my session but I also grinded a nose manual shuv just to prove I could do it. I did. I tried to do nose manny back shuv but it wasn't really working and I was pooped and a little buzzed. Sean said "you were done skating but drank a beer and got a little kick huh?" I hated to hear that. I just had to rest a little I guess. And get a couple touches in on the hacky sack. But he's probably right. I practiced impossibles. I'm getting them so much better. I'm glad I finally set up a freshie. Sean noted that having your back foot hella angled helps when you're first learning impossibles and p flips but you can pop so much higher when you have your foot perpendicular to the board after you've already figured out the wrap. It was a great skate sesh. Anyways Sean and I started skating the direction of my crib but then I decided to hit TJs. I got a flank steak, some guac, and a 6er of gansett.
Sean said his girl lives in China and he flew her out on the retail check. He said he was surprised she popped out to the show. I'm glad they both did. It's crazy, she's only here until August 19th. Poor guy, I can't believe he's doing that long of a distance. Apparently they've broken up and gotten back together a couple times over the years. Just makles me think. About what, I don't know, but it makes me thiknk.
Cooked up that steak when I got back while watching some hivemind video. It turned out great. Really salty obviously. Yay hypertension. I'm concerned. Jera went into cardiac arrest and now he needs to get surgery in Boston this weekend. At least I eat avocado (sarcasm)!
I wanted to see what was going on on sniffies and this guy really wanted me to come over so he could suck my dick. This dude was like 49 or something, seemed like he'd thrive in ptown, that kinda gay. Blue hair, lowk kinda nazi haircut. He was staying in an airbnb apparently. He lives in Athol which is boring as shit apparently, and not that great for hookups. He sucked my dick even though I told him I was all sweaty from skating. I guess he liked that. He pulled my pants off and was like "oh yeah you're wet." I was sweaty! what can I say. Anyways, he was pretty good at sucking dick. It took probably only like 10 minutes for me to cum and I was really surprised when I did. This makes me miss tasting Roley's sweat while she rode my dick. Whatever. I sent her an email yesterday and she didn't respond. I just said "Hi Roley,
I hope you're doing well. I did read your manuscript and I took notes on every poem. Nothing really critical, just annotations and analysis. I wish you could explain some of the parts I don't understand. Again, thanks so much for sending it to me. I really enjoyed it. I can put together something comprehensive and send it asap, but I just want to read the whole manuscript again before doing so. I was really happy to see this email. I'll also send you a letter soon. I look forward to hearing from you again,
Arman"
That's neither here nor there. This guy liked me a lot though. He played with my right nipple intermittently and kinda ran his hands along my body. I liked that. He kissed my inner thigh slightly and that really turned me on. It's not like I was super into it but it got the job done. He said he really likes guys like me, and how my hair was all crazy, and how I reacted. I'm kinda loud I guess. I don't really like touching guys that much to be honest. But I tried to a little, just so it wasn't that weird. Anyways, I've used anyways too much in this entry. He took my number cuz he liked me so much. He showed me this guy he knows who was on his way over to get pounded by other guys all night, apparently. The guy actually called him and he answered the phone while sucking my dick. He said "I'm sucking this guy's dick right now" and the other guy said "oh ok" and that he'd be over in 30. A quick and painless sniffies meetup.
I tried to watch reality bites, which dev recommended me, but I fell asleep in bed while watching it. I wanted pretty badly to like it but it wasn't hitting. I'll still find where I left off and finish it though. Ethan Hawke is so annoying. I hate looking at him. These characters aren't very relatable. I don't know when I fell asleep.
Always the reversal of intention. Last night I wanted to wake up at 5am and really get the day over with early, then I ended up turning off those 5am alarms and decided getting up at 6 was sufficient. Ended up snoozing my first couple 6am alarms and not getting ready to shower until 7:30. Drank a coffee and sat in bed doing nothing productive, just scrolling on my phone. My room's looking relatively nice though. Gonna clean the living room a little when I get home before the new roommate shows up. Nick's last night living hear. Brings a tear to my eye. Gonna be so bored. He'll be back September 2nd but nothing will ever be the same. Pain.
Got to work at 8:47am and filled in last night's entry. I think Fern and Ohm are confirmed to come through and make tunes tonight, with cart hopefully also attending. It's been impossible to get all of us in one room, so frustrating. I should learn how to record on fl for real. The transfer from logic to fl is frustrating. I'm liking all our current vocal sounds though. It'd be cool if they all came together in a song. Not sure if I mentioned it but Luca said they liked busy bees. That's nice.
It was nice to watch a movie last night. And write about it. I should still read some essays maybe, if any are written of value. I haven't really read much at all this past week though. I should get on that tomorrow, hopefully. I kinda wanna skate before making tunes, but maybe I can read a little before skating. I don't know. Unfortunately I can't finish gravity's rainbow before going to sd, but maybe i'll pass my copy of lot49 off to dane. Sucha good book.
I like this article by Chris Knipp for spun. His newer website is here. 'Glamour of oddity' is a phrasde that really caught my eye. I guess it's just novelty of making things work? Producing odd and strange outcomes by doing what you can with what you have? After all, limitations breed creativity.
What I wrote in the PhageStoryNeverTold discord server:
watched spun (2002) ln. really over the top and perfectly stylized as an early 2000s movie. like it has the rapid cuts and ridiculous editing of house of 1000 corpses, natural born killers, and lewis & clark & george, but the general style is a lot grimier and flashier, more high-contrast I guess I'd say. This interview with the guy who wrote it is really weird... seems like an odd duck. kinda can't believe the movie was made. Underrated imo. i also think john leguizamo's a rlly underrated actor. i liked him a lot in summer of sam, prob my fav spike lee movie. ok I've now seen that both roger ebert and 'chris knipp', an independent movie reviewer from the ealry 2000s, have compared this movie to requiem for a dream, which I haven't seen. I'm sure it's a lot lighter and more comedic than tragic but apparently the 'expressionistic' visual styles are similar.
I should watch requiem for a dream, finally. I know it's a bummer, but..
Forgot to mention Roley said they like my music but sometimes can't tell which vocals are mine. Maybe there's a bar to be written about that. She said she likes my style. I guess she meant clothing style lol but idk.
Last 10 minutes of work going by ridiculously slow. I am going to go to leavitt and pierce to get some rolling papers and ask them what the cheapest ones are since i always lose mine. I am going to go to trader joe's to get olive oil and chicken, and I am going to go to star market to get oat milk. Then I will go home and organize the living room + my room, clean the litter box, and wipe down the bathroom a little.
Worked on the goldfish video slightly while at work. I think there's potential for a little clip but nothing that's particularly crazy good. I can brand it as archival or something. I look so fucking retarded in the shots for some reason. There's something wrong with me.
This whole "what's the best thing I can do in this exact moment" thing is working well for me. I'm going to read through the past week or so of entries.
NOTE TO SELF: Bonx is now working at a studio in quincy called The Mix Loft. He will try to hook it up with studio time!
I ran into Burger at TJs. We chopped it up for a second. He's gonna be in nyc for the rest of the month, then back in September. He asked me how I got that cali show set up and i told him I got homies there. He seemed like kinda surprised about it. It gassed me. I cooked some pollo asado from trader joes, ate some arugula with it, and cleaned and organized while listening to the new episode of the slushy noobz podcast. Just brain fodder. I uploaded hella sigles and all of xv to streaming. I hit up bonx and fabii to make sure it was ok to do upload their songs. It didn't take too long, but I still need to upload emails for splits. That'll be easy now that all the uploading's done, but I also need to upload my own singles.
I got an extremely unexpected email from Roley: subject: edits. contets: "were yiu able to read the manuscript and if so any edits?"
I'll read her manuscript and take notes.
Notes on Roley's manuscript:
On Errors in English
I always wanted to die when I was a child. I asked my mom to stab me with a butter knife. I used to think there was something permanently deeply wrong with me for feeling that way at a really early age but now I realize that intrusive thoughts like that are normal, and if not normal now, than even more normal in childhood.
On Speed Racer
I just watched the movie spun (2002) last night. It's about meth addicts. It's actually pretty light and I'd highly recommend. Really good style. Really feels like 90s style transitioning into 2000s style. I kept the matches you went through on that night you got back from Portugal.
On our face matters But I will destroy this house for it anyway
I don't know if it was on purpose that you used the singular 'flower' then the plural 'them' but I noticed it. It's so strange to me that some guys don't care whether girls cum or not. Ut's so incel-y.
On Ready to Heaven
The bruises you gave me are fading and it makes me sad. My inner thigh is still a little sore though. 'Please protect me from what I want' is relatable. I want you to explain this one to me. All of them, actuallly, obviously. I don't understand what "I am not too small to be forgiven" means. I would assume that the smaller something is the more innocent it would be, and by extension more easily forgiven. "Can a person be A tool to save it all?" I wish. I think "I do not believe Mary was a virgin" fits really well in the manuscript.
On Audrey Lorde
You sent me this one. I read it on the bus. I'm pretty sure I was on my way to work. I remember the story behind this one being really gnarly. It's almost unbelievable and I'm so sorry you went through that.
On If & When
It seems being subjected to things happening is a common motif and in this case the earth is subjected to erosion. I like it. Same with the noses falling off. "We are all just trying to feel something I was just hoping it would not be miscreant I guess it really was time to go" feels prescient. Like you wrote this right before you left.
On Courage
The crow mimicing french is really clever. A stretch but Beauvis also being the name of a food manufacturer when you also mention yogurt in the poem is a nice tie-in. I hate yogurt. "Haven’t had a meal in days just nuts and bread" is so European. "Kiki says I am a flower in the cracks of the cement but one day I’ll be moved to an open field I promise" you are. The personification of age is cool.
On Martina you are beautiful
Can you explain this one to me?
On Just a few more things before I go
"How wonderful it is to be loved not for lust but for creation" I love your art.
On 5476 S Dorchester Ave
"You know that special power we all have within ourselves? I call it being psychic. You call it nothing." Makes me think of extrasensory perception. Which is crazy because I almost feel like that ties into that ketamine trial you were apart of in an equal level of susness. I'm just paranoid sometimes. You're psychic.
On Dead birds I pray for
I've never heard a catbird call but it's really cute how they're supposed to sound like birds. Are they your favorite bird? I feel bad. If you told me your favorite I forgot what it is. I would like to be at a catbird party. "It seems fitting to feed the children another of their age" morbid. I've been uisng that word a lot recently. Like in that song about you. How can I feed a new life an old soul? Would they be able to swallow the knowledge? Or maybe that is how they learn. Through the bodies of those before them." Surreal. I'm worried my commentary is tainted and I'm unable to focus. I'd like to think the birds succeeded in flying.
On I'm glad I was born
You sent me this one too. Did you meet someone who also likes to be burned? "All the boys I fuck like blond girls." Not me. "I too am a collector." Reminds me of a line I wrote about you: "She covering her body with arrrrt." "Now my lovers burn me upon first meeting." Why'd you never ask me? "But I take peace in knowing that they too are stuck with me. That one day their wives will see the scars I gifted them and cry." I want scars from you.
On Jane Cooper
Jane Cooper is an American poet. There isn't a lot of info on her on wikipedia. I read rent and hunger moon and I like them a lot. The 'self inside the self' reminds me of the sleeper inside the person in hunger moon. "Sometimes things get lost And what are feelings if not things" I have some feelings I can't wait to lose, and others I want to cling on to, like my infatuation with you. I like this one a lot. I struggle with waiting for my feelings to fade away, trying to acknowledge them and not suppress them, but in reality I wish they would go away faster than they are. Interlacing is scary. Dealing with multiple things interacting at once.
On Word Salad
I like that name a lot. We talked about cryptography. Disorganized speech can be cryptographic. You said something once about not wanting to get tatted on your body really, so a part of your body is still yours. Is this poem about your snake tattoo? I wish the bruises you gave me weren't fading. "You did not know that you had become him That all encompassing man" Maybe you do get attached easily.
On The boys on the roof
I don't 100% know why but his reminds me of how you said literal rapists get more support than you do. It's sad. People really do support their friends even if they're bad people.
On Dead Man Wakling
"Can you keep someone alive from a memory that is not yours? Can you keep someone alive from the memory that is retold?" I would hope so.
On Feminist strippers against stripping, who strip
If you have slight heterochromia I didn't notice. Maybe you're thinking of something else, idk, but heterochromia is a thing. Two poems in a row with a male character dying.
On Jane Cooper (alternate version)
The context of the first version makes this version make sense (correct me if I'm wrong). The body being referred to in this version is the dead goose from the first one? Sometimes people in destitute conditions can really be the most compassionate. Not always honestly, but sometimes.
On 209
Central Cali area code? Checks out since the Golden Gate Bridge is mentioned in the first line. It seems like a common motif is leaving pieces of yourself places, willing yourself onto the environment and others.
On Death by a thousand cuts
"While Davis lay dead" another dead guy. "What’s the color of regret?" I read this without my glasses on and there being a g, r, and two 'e's in the word makes me think of green. A dark, forest green though. Like an old pine tree. "The world is ending And there is a ladybug in the tram" positive, hopeful. "I am trying to be a better person" I wish I knew the specifics of what this meant, or you wrote something concrete that you're trying to do, I don't know what this really means. "And as I read, I thought about all of the things I’ve done wrong." What were these things? "As if any other person in the world could not be so evil as to even think them up to begin with" not true. Anyways, you get into gruesome detail about these awful things that have happened to you, but keep it vague when it comes to these things you've done that you percieve to be so bad and evil. I wish you confessed them in the poem. "I think about And barb cuts me off again" I like the way this reads. One day, as we walked through the nice place where people put their dead relatives I told you you are perfect I do not remember. You are not perfect." The urge to want to call someone perfect is so strange, I wonder why it exists. I assume it's universal. It's a nice thing to say to someone, essentially, 'you can do no wrong, i'll still admire you no matter what you do' which is just blindness caused by infatuation. Maybe this is too person but that infatuation goes away eventually. "Today I told you I was psychic And you believed me." You are.
On Belly for rent
I'm sorry but I need to try to not think about how I hate that word. Unless you're talking about the movie, on rent for dvd, from an archaic video rental store. "When the apology is a last goodbye" you love saying sorry. "I am sorry and I forgive you" a positive note to end on. "I can feel the pulse in the crack on the side of my lip" visceral and evocative. "I think that means it’s healing" also positive. Although you recounted so much sadness and trauma throughout the manuscript the ending i still positive and you still heal.
Ohm, fern, and apollo all pulled up at once. I guess fern picked up jason and drove him. We smoked a cigarette and got to recording. I wrote my lyrics for busy bees and fibonnacci, I also took some photos of the cookup. I didn't record that many vocals honestly. What can ya do?? Sometimes it's hard when you're not punching in yourself. Also dillon dropped off that midi keyboard that his brother never uses. Marlon used the same one at the far rockaway show I'm pretty sure. I also read a good chunk of Roley's manuscript while fern and ohm recorded. I wrote notes on every poem, some more than others. Jason was, in all honesty, annoying the fucking shit out of me. AND dillon too. Fern kinda fed into it though. It was annoying as shit. He just wouldn't shut the fuck up. I told them all roley lore lol. Dillon was hyped when he found out he met tuzz on Sunday. Ohm recorded on this fern x apollo beat all insane and growly. It's a weird song. I don't think I was fully on point and maybe I was rushing a little. Then we recorded on a fern x cart x me beat. Fern did a lot of engineering tonight. Ohm and apollo dipped at like 11. Fern and I talked about biome and went through some beats until like 11:45 when I wanted to eat a little chicken (by itself, down bad) and knock. Fern wants to play a very large part in biome, which is fine by me.
Nick like, got home from hanging with ted n squad or something at like midnight and they were low key super loud outside and woke me up, I thought they were yelling at each other or something. I slept horribly.
I think I can now put into words why it's frustrating and conflicting to be so connected and have so many friends, and especially when people say that's one of the most admirable qualities about me: I don't even know who actually cares, who actually remembers me, who thinks about me outside of a context of using me, who just wants to be like me, be on my hip, and who really knows me and values me as a friend. I can't tell. So if it turns out that everyone is just using me, what do I really have to show for about myself? I can't tell if these people really fucking like me or not. This past monday made everything so fucking confusing.
Anyways, although I wanted to sleep in, I actually woke up extremely early. I started writing after eating 2 wake up wraps and drinking a coffee, and proceeded to grind through the wntire weeks worth of updates. Finally caught up. Wow. I feel relief. It was painful to relieve some of the sadder moments. I wrote, did a little laundry, and in the middle of the day Eddie came through and we chopped it up, Eamon and Nick also present of course. Nick and I trekked to intelligentsia to get some free coffee from Isaac and so Isaac could say bye to Nick. I got a fried ass buffalo chicken bacon pizza bagel from wicked bagel. It was not very good unfortunately. I facetimed ohm and asked him to come through tomorrow. Fern too. Both confirmed. Cart said he'd come thru hopefully.
Basically it's 4:54pm and I'm finally caught up writing. Nice. Time to do other stuff. Yesterday I didn't drink until like 10pm, which was great. I think I started to feel kind of bad though. Withdrawals maybe. Today I had my first drink at 2. Not as good. But anyways imma clean my room.
I organized my desk. That's the main thing I did. I threw away some trash. I decided not to really vaccuum or dust too heavily because fools are gonna track dust and dirt in tomorrow when they come to make music anyways. After that I went to work to set up some fish. Nothing crazy and they're really young so I'm not sure they're gonna lay very well. When I was skidding at harvard I hit a rock or somwthing and I think I fucked something up. My bike makes a weird squeaking noise when I pedal. I hope it's not serious. I set up the fish and called Isaac to see if he was still in harvard square and wanted to smoke a cigarette or something, but he didn't answer, so I went to TJs on the way home and bought a steak and some arugula. I forgot we don't have olive oil though. L. When I got home I helped Nick carry a dresser type thing down the stairs into the basement, which was more strenuous than I thought it was gonna be, then logged into distrokid and uploaded 2^3 heads to the phage gang streaming services profile for friday. Hopefully submitting everything else tomorrow-wednesday so there can be a big dump on friday. I cooked a steak while watching a hivemind video and ate a little over half of it with guac. Wrote this. Gonna eat some blueberries and hopefully watch spun. The steak was good.
I think it's notable that saturday 250526 was probably my largest entry to date. Possibly. It felt like it, and it was all just recounting the day. That's the magnitude with which Roley affects me. That's how much lust i feel for her and how infatuated I am with her. It's freightening to not know when she'll get out, or if it's literally at the end of October, what we'll both be feeling. I'll start working on a letter for her soon. I'll send one before I leave for daygo I guess, and if she sends one back, then I'll send another after. Or rather at the end of August. I miss her so much.
I watched spun (2002), directed by Jonas Akerlund while drinking some gansetts. It's a very enjoyable movie. Felt like I could relate to Ross a little although not as extreme, of course. But in poor health from substance abuse which severely negatively impacted previous relationship, infatuated with another addict, getting caught up in bullshit, making poor decisions due to addiction, seems normal and clean cut but is really fried and freaky. Not a 'normal' guy I suppose. I hope I'm not doing a 'he's literally me' cuz his life sucks. I liked the movie a lot though. The language of the movie calling back to things that were said is very poetic, the movie really rhymes with its allusions. And it’s so early 2000s, the perfect continuation of 90s style editing. The jump cuts remionded me of lewis and clark and george, natural born killers, and house of 1000 corpses, except even more overdone. I actually liked the cartoon shit although I think it could have been done better. One thing that did kinda piss me off were the shots of a face superimposed on a road, or the time-lapse sunrise/sunsets. That came across as cliche in a way that wasn't even fun. It wasn't tongue-in-cheek, it was trying to be earnest. The rest of the kitschy style elements felt intentionally crude and that's what made the movie enjoyable. Maybe it's grimy and low brow but it's deliberate and has a lot of thought and attemntion to detail put into it. The subject deserves care regardless of the style elements chosen and that's what it got. Details like the saliva on the mullet cop's gums or the mustache cop missing a lens in his sunglasses are examples of what makes this movie so cohesive. Also Brittany Murphy is the perfect white nymph waif.
Had a little trouble sleeping due to the heat, then due to the ac. Tossed and turned all night, to be frank. Drank like 4 delos and 3 gansetts in total throughout the day satrting at 2pm I think.
I actually really wanted to wake up early but I felt like shit. The bruises Roley gave me are starting to fade and it makes me sad. I set up my new deck and went to go skate smith. My glasses kept falling off and it was very frustrating. Isaac came through. After a little I saw my new glasses straps were delivered so I got a kombucha form trader joes and some blueberries and some guac and went home. I set up my straps and Isaac and I went back to the park. The straps were a life saver. It changed everything. I landed so many impossibles. I did all my tricks except rail tricks. I tried to back 50 the actual round rail in the park but it was so hard for some reason. I did a some nice tail stalls on the qp too. Really tried to slide but it didn't work. Around 5pm I landed a wallie 50 that I had been trying for a very long time at the harvard banks. Isaac was pissing me off a little. He said something like "that's kind of a fuck around spot not a trick spot" and I low key snapped and said "what does that even mean." I mean, in my defense, it made absolutely no sense. He also said something like "that tailslide was proper, not transition skater proper but proper" and i was just like "bruh what". Sometimes I think bro just says things for the sake of it. I love him, but. Huey and Pat kept calling him and pretending they couldn't hear him which was kind of mean. At like 5:30 we went back to my crib and waited for nick to get home from studying so we could hop in his care and join the ted session. Isaac biked. We went to reggie for a warm up. I was feeling so good. I almost impossibled over a curb. The volleyball guys were setting up so we left pretty early.
We went to the spot and Nick tried this wallride for hours. Caitlyn Ong walked by us at one point, which was cool. Her boyfriend was like 'how do you know each other?!' kinda suspiciously lol it was funny. She's so cool but she always dated the worst guys. It was fun to hang with Mead and Isaac and Ted. At one point I really needed to eat something or I;d pass out so I got some overpriced chorizo tacos from the mexican restaurant at the spot. Nick tried this shit so damn long. Chainsmoked so hard. Mead left before I could say bye. Nice kid. After Nick was done skating the spot, semi-content with his trick (he just really wanted to get a nollie flip after the wallie-grab), we grabbed some brews and went to AQ. Supposedly heads were grilling there later. There was this big pillar on its side and we rolled it around flintstones style trying to stand on it and move it. It was a blast. Just Ted, Isaac, Nick, and me. I'm so glad I've been mobbing with Nick so hard these past few days. I'm gonna miss him immensely. We were all pretty tired and at like 11:30 Eddie was still an hour out, so we all went home. I said how I was really tired and Nick said 'you've been realy tired a lot recently' and I said 'I think it's depression because my wife left' and he said 'yeah i think you're right'. Isaac's front tire was all flat so he chucked his bike in the car and pumped his tire when we got back to the crib. He didn't realize U gotta open and close the presta valve. There was no leak. Nick got a call from Sid who got Lyme disease from getting a tick bike on his dick from Yazan's place upstate. I tried to drink some more beer when I got inside but I knicked with it basically full.
Today was a day when I decided that instead of broadly and vaguely telling myself to 'tighten up' which actually causes me more anxiety and stress and causes a reversal of intention where I get less done, I would think 'what is the best thing for me to do right now' in individual moments, accomplishing small goals and making sure I'm spending time the way I want to for my happiness and satisfaction. It's not even grindset-y, I just have a lot to get done. A fitting gchange, I suppose, marking 7 months of daily entries for 2025. Once this month is over we will be 2/3 through the year. Can't be over soon enough.
What I actually wrote in my notes:
instead of telling myself repeatedly to tighten up, which is vague and actual causes me more stress and anxiety, I need to think about what the best thing is for me to do in the exact present moment. I’ll chip away at the small things until eventually a lot is accomplished.
I actually woke up quite early. I changed my hinge to San Diego, obviously very early, but I don't care. There is no one in Boston for me. I did the dishes, etc, took out the trash, all good things. After the engert lab meeting there was a lab operations meeting, so I went into work super super super late. I did basically nothing except try to update this site, which proved too daunting. I left at 3 and biked to Fern's to make music. His new apartment is really nice. It's cute. I am very happy for him and Lauren. We went outside to smoke a cigratete and talk about the show and touring and jupps being weird and uploading singles to spotify, etc. Walked to the park that has some skate obstacles that meatball always skates. I told him about the graff and why the cops showed up. We sampled carissa's wierd and I layed down some drums but fern obviously fucked them up a lot. We recorded vocals in his new setup too. His new mic. We made a great song. The lyrics are here.
I imagine fern as a swamp monster whose words are often obscured by algae, modulated by echos, and suppressed by bobbing in and out underwater in the swamp. ohm is a helpful jinn who is tricky and clever but ultimately means well, if his wisdom can be deciphered, which is difficult due to its ambiguity. Cart is a ghost, or more specifically a poltergeist, who indirectly haunts and subliminally reaches into brains via the ears, being carried in by the wind. A monumental whisper. And I’m like a cyborg reading out an algorithm. A directive.
I took digi ohotos and videos and wrote lyrics in my notebook and worked on letters to fill gaps in our walk and recording. I love this song. I can't stop listening to it. I had thought of the name 'septic heart' before but in the file for the beat fern put 'fern theta sept heart' mistaking today for september first i believe, which reminded me of the septic heart idea. My first lines 'There’s nothing you can do about it, There’s nothing you can do about it' are both reaffirming to myself that there's nothing I can do about Roley leaving and nothing I can do about being incapable of dating her or giving her what she needs, but also a message to her that there's nothing she can do about going to treatment, that it just needs to happen although she's scared. She tried to sneak in addy that she'd take on her own schedule, which didn't sound great to me. She ended up fessing up that she was hiding them in her sock, she said it was cuz of tsa, and that they're gonna let her take them but controlled by the program obviously. 'There’s no way you can step around it' is a similar gist. Rationalizations can't be used to avoid the facts. The facts of addiction, both for myself and Roley, and the realities of our dynamic, and the reality of us being apart. 'Only a three week affair, so sordid' is on the nose. A literal line. 'It’s an open secret so how could I keep it?' is about her and I seeing each other. 'You need another secret, Keep it between him' is about her disconnect from her husband and the lies and secrecy and how she should have something to keep him busy. I don't even know, I should explain this better at some point. 'You and me and me and him' a classic love triangle. 'Blood flows around, it starts where it ends' In my septic heart it doesn't. It leaks and works incorrectly. Maybe that'd be a better line. I like when fern says 'I'm a jerk, I'm a reflex'. 'There’s no way I can step around it, ‘Cus I told you an open secret' I can't step around my alcoholism because I told Roley the truth. I felt comfortable doing so because she's an addict too. I drink every day. I can't step around it. She knows now. I can't take that knowledge back. And it's an open secret, just not 100% confirmed to most people. Everyone knows I have a problem, they just don't know how bad it really is. 'It's like healing a wound inside a wound' is my new favorite allusion. It's appeared in another song. It's about this trauma being layer by other trauma and the wound is already inside another wound, so even if the outer wound heals the inner wound is still there and unreachable, but even if the innder wound heals the outer wound is still raw. Fitting due to Roley's self-harm tendencies.
Walked and smoked with fern more. Lauren got home. I said what's up to her while fern finished mixing the song. I left and biked home. Went by the lab. I called Isaac to see what he was on and he was biking around harvard commons actually. I grabbed a hazy little thing tall boy and met up with him. I also had some chips and guac, that was my lunch and dinner. At this point it was 7:00. I'm happy with myself that that was my first drink of the day. Especially on a friday I usually can't make it that long. Better decisions. I had isaac film some skids. I am improving. There was this guy who I think was homeless trying to talk to us asking about some pot and asked Isaac why his seat was so high. A wasian looking guy walked by and he stopped the guy and said 'big man little china.' It was strange. He asked us if we've heard that and we said no. He said his pops used to say it. We got to the crib and I biked to tjs and the liquor store real quick. I got microwave carne asada burritos in case there wasn't any food at Leif's, and I got a 12er of Modelos. I got home and Isaac and Nick were watching one of Nick's lectures. We walked over to Leif's for the bonfire. I got obliterated. Mead was there. Eddie. Connor, no Ted. Eric and Zamara. We talked about Nick and what we'll miss, etc. Dru pulled up. We played the can stomp game, but people were adding in a 3 steps back component which was wack. It pissed Dru off. I can't believe Ted didn't come. He went to the movies with his situationship apparently. I made Nick laugh so hard he almost choked on a hot dog. Leif gave me a sheet of pepper grip. I got so fucking drunk and went home and knocked. That's actually when I typed out the 'septic heart' lyrics.
I couldn't stop texting her all day. When I got to work I got a little done then took a lunch break to drop my bike off at cambridge bicycles. Only cost 45. I got 2 slices of pepperoni (for the price of 1) from whole foods and actually a really good iced americano with a little oat milk from barismo. Roley said 'don’t replace and forget about me too quickly'. Walked back to work and took care of business. Picked up my bike after work. It was raining but it's ok. I hope I have those messages between Roley and I for a very long time. I might even transcribe them. My back wheel feels a lot lighter now, it's nice. Roley shared her manuscript with me again. I'm so glad I can finally read it. She asked me about phages and music and i sent her some stuff I'm proud of. She said 'Ur so cool I wanna be like u one day.' I don't think it's possible for her to realize how much that fucking means to me. She's cool in every way. I could cry right now just thinking about her. I miss her,. I'm gonna mail her a letter, maybe a shirt I wore a couple times, some art, some writing, maybe a photo, and all that good stuff. I ate some chips and quac when I got home. I felt miserable. I sent Roley a selfie on ig dms, as I always do, and she said 'Oh fuck' and 'Ur so cute don't do that to me fuck'. She was off her flight and hanging around her facility around 7pm my time, when I went to go hang out with Mikey, Luca, and Drew. She said 'I found her ahahah' talking about Carrie. I don't know why she was so obsessed. I said 'nah' 'fried' 'how' and she said 'Whatever u say bro' 'Not that hard' 'Cute style' and I said 'ur funny' and she said 'True' and 'Sorry for everything. Ty (heart emoticon)'. I don't know why she's so apologetic. Breaks my heart. She said something along the lines of 'if we're friends when i come back to boston can i steal some of your friends' and i said no as a joke and she send a sad emoticon and said 'forget i asked that was weird'. I said i'd bring her around and I was just joshing her. She said 'nah i don't want to' 'that's weird' 'i hv my own shit' and 'cute tho' to a selife i sent. i said 'nahhhh not weird at all' and she said 'cute' 'i'll miss ur face' and i said 'i'll miss urs' and she liked the message and that was it. Goodbye Roley.
I was at eric during these last few moments. I smoked and chilled with everyone outside for a little. Luca said they liked busy bees. I fingerboarded a little while we listened to tencious d skits. I drank odee. I sent mikey assets for the outside world CDs but we'd work on them another time. Mikey and Luca left to go to el jefe's and i hung back and chilled with drew for a little and played horse race tests. It was fun on a bun. I love drew, that's really big bro. I didn't even know he had some stick n poke tatts. He's someone who I'll miss more than others when I move.
I got drunk as a skunk, honestly, and I went home. Nick wanted to go to karaoke at the model one last time and I came with. Eddie and Eamon were supposed to come too but they bailed to watch happy gilmore 2 with Ted. Shameful, honestly. Karaoke was fine. I don't even remember what song Nick or anyone did. Jason kept hitting on me. Maybe he thought it was his last attempt because Nick was moving and Olivia was our connection. Olivia was cool, I liked her. Nick's classmate was also there who apparently fucked one of their professors' husbands. She was chopped tho so I didn't try anything. There was a girl there who was so drunk she couldn't speak. She was falling over and could barely walk. Anyways, I dipped out and got mcdonalds for the first time in a million years and i forgot my card at the bar so I venmo'd this guy to get me a mcchicken and a big mac. I ate the mcchicken and stuffed the big mac in my bag. I ate it when I got home. Thank god Nick drove. I ate that burger and fell asleep immediately.
A hard goodbye. I woke up spooning her and tried to be pretty quiet but she woke up anyways. She turned and told me i was in her dream last night and we were talking about other people. she said she always reaffirms her friends about how much she cares about them and how important they are to her, but with my friends we just say what’s up and dap each other up. Maybe this means I should be more appreciative. We woke up with my alarm at 6 and she wanted 5 more minutes. Then another 5 minutes. I told her I had to go. She got up with me. She said she wanted my shirt, but I didn't want to walk home without a shirt. She still had my other shirt. I helped her get her heavy ass luggage out of her closet. I could tell her eyes were welling up. I hugged her and kissed her and she sat naked in her wooden chair as I walked out the door. The image is burned into my mind. I'm going to miss her so much. 1,000 never-ending & unberably long goodbyes.
I got a $5 meal deal from dunks and walked to the 86. I went the wrong way, really out of the way, to avoid Chiswick rd. I saw a ridiculous cart hollow and took a flick of it. Roley told me she wanted me to help her download songs onto her ipod but I said I already left. Poor thing. It's nice to be wanted and missed.
I went to work. Nothing crazy. My tatt was looking a little fucked so I ran to whole food to get lotion and the only unscented one they had was the big bottle that cost $10. I took a flick of the throw frolic did in union. The fill wasn't 100% but he tagged B&U loves phage which was cute. Does B&U really love phage? Anyways I also took pics of the bridge hollows and this throw exp did under the allston bridge after getting wings at lulu's. Roley particularly remidned me I never sent the graff. When I got home I tagged a little in my notebook. New letters from exp. I was talking to Roley all fucking day. The goodbyes weren't over yet. She wanted flicks of the graff, such a cutie. She keeps telling me i should paint, she's funny. I finally trekked to Huey's apartment to pick up Pat's old wheel. He seemed depressed or something. I later heard he blew up Ashlynn's phone like fucking crazy when she was in town. Really embarassing and quite frankly weird. I didn't hold him very long, nor did I want to stay very long. I walked home. Roley told me there was some guy at the TV on the radio concert she went to with her dad wearing a Holy Mountain shirt. Inescapable.
Maybe the first part of the manifesto is a communique. A first contact.
Jupps texted me. He said:
Hey I’m sorry I didn’t pick up last night I was sleepy and not as attentive as I’d prefer and also think it’s important for me type a few feeling up before words start falling out of my mouth lmao, I am honestly a little embarrassed with the way I handled myself, I’ve had such a hard time this past year and don’t know that balance between trauma dumping and advocating my conditions but Im aware I was doing a bit of both, I should’ve done a better job at modulating that, thank you for everything you do and everything i was saying felt like it sounded like i was overlooking that and that sucks because the way I actually feel is very appreciative and excited by alotttt of the ways you interact with the world around you, I do care about my dreams but our bodies are what really matter and I didn’t see you in that moment how I should but I feel like I really do see you and i do feel sorry for not being better at managing my personal shit vs the particular moment
And I said:
it’s ok man i could tell u were obviously rlly overwhelmed and emotions were high among all, thx for reassuring me you’re still excited abt everything going on and future endeavors, i don’t take any of what was said personally (heart emoticon)
Jupps sent a photo of a tag he did in the pavement that said 'I JUPP'D UP'.
I don't think I did anything for the rest of the night. At all. I could be wrong, but oh well. Fuck it. This is hard. I still talked to Roley. She said she accidentally washed the shirt she stole from me and she was sad about it. I woke up around 2am and texted her, I wonder why she was up. This poor girl. I hope she gets better.
I was still late to work. Very late actually. I made it to the lab meeting with my slides by the skin of my teeth. I was in presenter mode for sara already when kristian asked me if he could go first, so I navigated to kristian's slides but sara's slides were still on the screen. Mark said "Kristian actually starts with a K" which was embarassing. Kinda the worst joke. Whatever. It wasn't my day. I was sad about Roley leaving and the way the guys ragged on me, I was just not in a good mood.
I sent Roley 'All Over the World' by the pixies and she said she liked it. She also said she was unsure about seeing me today, which made me sad, but i said it was ok. She sent me 'Over and Done With' by the proclaimers, which I really liked. I liked the whole album that song's on. She said she's still sore and feels like it's not so fun for us to just cuddle and sleep. I reaffirmed her that I like hanging out with her either way. She said it's confusing for her because I like to leave at 6 and not stay to sleep. I said sorry and that I like the idea of sleeping over but if I gotta be up early the next day it doesn't rlly work out that well. And that I'm antsy. She said she wants to see me but feels like it won't be fun for me. I told her she's so funny and that it will be fun and that I like hanging out with her. She said she couldn't sleep after I left. She wanted me to wait until she fell asleep but she was so axious after I left and had a nightmare. She sent me a playlist of music in her likes.
I got to her place at 7. We cuddled and fucked and smoked cigarettes and drank wine and fed her snakes. The small snake got a mouse embryo. The medium snake got an adult mouse. The biggest snake got a really big adult mouse. I met her neighbor which was funny. It's so nice when she's sober. I love her. I know I don't actually, but she's so good. This was the last night I could spend with her. Her husband was getting back from vermont tomorrow. I can't remember if this was another time or this night but she said she loved the way my sweat dripped into her mouth while I fucked her. She gnawed at my thights while I choked her. I love the bruises she gave me so much. She wanted to gag on my dick so bad. She really wanted me to push her head down on my dick as hard as I could and skull fuck her. I'm getting hard just thinking about it. She had a tattoo appointment and told me I could stick around for it. She was on her knees crying and gagging on my dick within the same minute she was going to let in her client and telling me to throw the things next to her bed on top of the bed under the covers, which became dislodged and strewn about from fucking roughly
You'll never fucking guess who her client was. Yes you will: fucking Van. They walked in the door as I was throwing shit on Roley's bed and said 'oh hey' in their signature voice, causing me to rotate my head so fast i could have gotten whiplash. Roley thought I was talking about a different Van this whole time. I was trying so hard not to be awkward but I couldn't stop laughing. Roley got started and I decided to step out for a little and get some papers, also some beer but I didn't tell Roley that part. I apologized and jetted out. Van texted me that they hoped they didn't jumpscare me too bad and that I was welcome to come back, but I texted back nah it was great to see them and I actually did need papers. They said to text them when I'm back cuz roley was poking them. I sat on that same rock wall I always do and drank a beer while listening to my tunes. I listened to she's so cutty. I texted Jonathan, I called Jupps, I just chugged. Finally I walked back and Roley actually let me in. She texted me the exact second I was walking up to her door. I asked if it was weird that I dipped and she said yes, but idrc, Van's autistic as shit so idt it mattered. I chopped it up with everyone to fill the gaps in convo while Roley poked Van. It was fine. They wrapped up and the tatt looked great and Van hugged me and left. Roley said that Van said the situationship got too serious for me, which is kinda true I guess, but I just told them it was getting kinda intense cuz they were annoying the shit out of me. Roley and I hung out outside more, smoked, etc, but we were both pretty tired, so we got into bed and cuddled. I remember her kissing me on the forehead which I liked a lot. I made sure to cuddle her for real, which is what I know she wanted. I never drank my second modelo. I don't think I came from sex this night. I was pretty depleted. We went at it for a while though. We just made out and fell asleep slowly after Van left.
I wanted to wake up at 5, but realized that wasn't very realistic. I woke up at 6 instead. When I got up Wyatt got into my bed. He should gotten in there in the first place! I made a coffee, showered, went outside to go through hinge just in case I woke anyone up. Got out the door and jetted to work. It was brief and pointless. I talked to Kara about how fucking insane everything went. I jetted home at like 11:30. I texted everyone who went to the show a 'thank you' for coming even though the venue situation was fried.
Videos from the show looked great, honestly. Looked really cool to have so many people in the parking lot. I was grateful. I was still devastated by how some people definitely showed up to the jungle and just straight up had no idea what was going on, like that cute girl from pavement, then went home. Whatever. There's nothing that can be done after the fact. I paid fern $50.
The guys were getting breakfast when I got home, then they came back after like 30 min. Casper was also here to drop off Te and he chilled for a second. I ignored him not gonna lie. He's right, he's not a fucking part of this shit. Last night, during the show, he tried to do the same thing he always does where he says how much he appreciates this shit, etc, but once again, I kinda just brushed it off because he's so fucking sensitive and a tweaker!!!!!!! During the fucking performance is diabolical. I forgot to say that Dru and George were really hyped and hugged me and shit. Legends. Those are my big bros.
Anyways, we started a convo about music shit going forward that was really confusing and I don't really know what the B&U guys want from me. I felt like a failure but that the way we pulled off the 'show' was kinda funny and epic, a good story to tell, but for the B&U guys it was just heartbreaking. Honestly the conversation got a little hostile. Jupps said people here were wack, they're never going to do a show with charles or at the jungle again, the high stage was wack, it was fucked how I asked wyatt to drive with me to get the speaker, it's fucked that I paid fern for running sound. I talked about all the cool stuff I have planned for the future and how I hope it works out, and Ben just kept talking about how he's been doing this shit for longer and he does it better and every show he's thrown and every show B&U has done has been amazing and packed and that they have a real family and they all come from nothing and they're all broke and he's eating tuna out of a can with a broken foot. He said he was going to see the mom of a girl he used to kinda date who died in a car accident yesterday but instead he came to boston for the show, so since the show went horribly he was pretty fucking mad. I don't hold it against him. He shat on the 3xs guys, somewhat validly, but he came for their characters which was lame. J did say that bonx asked him how his foot was yesterday, which was embarassing for sure. Now Ben's obsession with Holy Mountain is what really bothered me. First of all, I just thought it was kinda funny and celebratory of this network we've built and highlighting the crazy coincidence that jupps and i know each other by sending flicks of us to holy when we're together irl, but I guess they thought I was being clouty. This is something that has absolutely nothing to do with the show that felt like it was just out of anger directed at me and something that I wish jupps told me a while ago and in a nicer way. I know I'm lazy and I fuck up and I lack attention to detail and I'm an addict, so the B&U guys, and especially Ben's critiques of me were valid, but some of them felt kinda invalid and they hurt. I don't care about holy as much as ben does. I don't think anyone cares about holy as much as ben does. But Ben was saying that he wants to just do fucking guitar music and get paid and have shit be professional instead of all the bullshit that comes with the avant garde rap shit. I get it. It just feels like they treated this show as them doing a favor to me that I wasn't appreciative for.
Anyways, things were kinda weird. I was on the verge of tears. I was holding em back, I can't tell if the guys could tell. Basically Ben said that he wants Holy to take B&U and phage gang on tour, and ben's putting on for us, but if he isn't fucking with us when the time comes he's gonna find another opener. That ultimatum felt manipulative. Like if we aren't cool enough for him he wouldn't fuck with us anymore. It hurt. I just cracked open a beer, loafed, and tried not to cry when the guys left. They reassured me they loved me but it didn't feel like it. They said "I know you've thrown a lot of shows that have gone well, and there will be more."
I sent J $300. In my notes app, in a message I wasn't sure I'd send J or not, I wrote "yeah im ngl this is definitely evidence of my avoidant personality but im still gonna internalize the message to tighten up and if im in this managerial role (that i don’t want, but no one else is doing it) i can’t be so inconsiderate." Nick was very reassuring that I was ok, I let the guys stay with me and put them on and everything after all. It was supposed to be the perfect moment for B&U to present their music in a goo, high quality way to boston. Whatever. Ben sent me holy's story, which pissed me off in essence, but it was timely. It said "Remember Everyone Suffers Painful Experiences Communicate Tenderly" which spells out 'respect' with the first letters of each word. He said "I wish I saw this before I expressed myself."
I vented to Roley a little about how they were being weird. Also told her I'd be free soon cuz they left. She was at work. Sore. I assume from fucking I guess. We decided we'd have a nice and chill hangout. She sent me a kimya dawson song. Chemistry. I went to her place on the 86. We lied in bed and talked. We still fucked. It was nice, I liked fucking her in the daytime. I could look at her clearly. She's so beautiful. I picked a scab on her shoulder and fed it to her. She winced. I don't remember exactly what we really got up to, but I vented about how the guys were weird. She said Jame wouldn't tell her Carrie's name no matter how hard she pried. I don't even remember what we got up to. She picked at my back and asked me what I drank today. I ended up not sleeping over. It would have been fucked cuz I had to be at work really early the next day for the lab meeting and I felt out of it as is. I told her I could sleep over the day after, which made a lot more sense. Is topped by star market on the way home because TJs was just about closing and picked up a steak and some asahis. I forget what I watched while cooking and eating. I knocked pretty quickly, I think.
I remember waking Roley up early. She wanted to go back to sleep. I told her I had to jet. I feel like my breath smelled like shit, I was self conscious. She asked me how the party was and I said it was lit. She asked me how it was to see my ex and I said it went better than I thought it would go. I'm glad I got it over with. Roley lied on top of me and said something like "you haven;t eaten me out the last two times." I said "I know, I'm fried, I consciously thought of that, I'll make it up to you." She said something under her breath like "a conscious decision." I told her I should really go. She said it's a firs that someone wakes her up and leaves so quickly. I was worried she was kinda mad at me but I had the show to worry about. I needed a coffee and to get out of there. I was also gonna shit my pants. I gave her a kiss and walked out. It was pretty early. I'm pretty sure I got a $5 meal deal from dunkin and walked to the 86. This day was so fucking stressful and anxiety inducing, I barely remember anything.
The album was doing well though and i think everyone was hyped on it. I kinda just lazed at the crib because I was hungover. I think I was anxious too. I told everyone to push back to 1, but fern and cart pulled up at 12 still. Looking back, this was totally unnecessary. I was just anxious. But we figured everything out fast. Fern made a playlist of the best phage gang songs while carter worked on keys for the songs. I wrote my blog post for the b&u page. At this point I couldn't be fucked. I was anxious as fuck and the apartment was disgusting. I did laundry. Eamon left his clothes in the washer, not the dryer, overnight, so I had to do his laundry on top of my own, plus two sets of sheets.
Apollo pulled up around 1. Ohm was supposed to catch a ride with him but lacked. A common thread in this day was apollo being a little annoying. He kept saying things that were unrelated to the show or outa pocket while I was nervous as fuck trying to focus on writing. We all hopped in apollo's new car to go to upper allston pavement. I got a second coffee, carter got a juice, I believe, and Apollo and Fern got food. I said "oh wow they got rid of the lion painting," a really weird realistic lion painting with hexagons behjind it that belonged in a much more hippie establishment. It was replaced by a tech-venture capital art-core painting of disambiguous people and animals. Very corporate art. This girl with really crooked lower teeth and an affliction shirt, who albeit was very cute, said "yeahhh they did." Then she said she liked my pants and asked if they were apple bottoms. They were girbauds, but I told her I understood her confusion. We told her to come to the show tonight and told her to follow us on the gram. She didn't have IG. I told her the jungle at 9pm and she looked up phage gang on whatever internet browser she had on her phone. I awkwardly walked around the corner of the shop to get a straw and throw it away, and said it was nice to meet us and left. When she walked out the door I said "she was a cutie" and apollo and fern let out the usual "wowwww bro" and "he still got it" which was funny. Felt so strange to kinda spit game in front of them like that. Whatever, I just wanted another person at the show.
updating at 9:36AM on 250803. This truly sucks. It is so hard to catch up. "Yesterday" (250726) was an extremely long day with a lot to write about. Today (250803) is a sunday and i have all day to catch up, but I also have other things to do. Ok. I'll just try not to stop until I'm done.
There was this guy who had a really weird aggregation of chains that looked handmade hanging from his neck and he kept talking to this regular looking ass yuppie type guy sitting in front of him, calling him a fag, not leaving him alone while he was trying to work on his latop. The guy complained and a pavement barista walked over and kicked the guy out.
We walked back to fern's car and drove back to lower allston. If I remember correctly, I just did the dishes and cleaned up and shit like that. For some reason coffee has becomes a lot more keen on relaxing/sleeping in her cat tower. She can soak in the sun during the daytime and also look out the window. Rams and Ohm pulled up. The whole thing with Avril missing the show is still confusing, but whatever. Everyone basically chopped it up for a little, then the b&u guys showed up and dropped off their things. It was great to see them. My anxiety went away and was replaced by elation when they showed up. J said he had a horrible time in a rest stop bathroom. Poor guy. Everyone was hyped to see each other. I wish we all lived in the same city. Those guys went to get food then go to the venue. Casperr and Chandler showed up too, by the way, and Casperr drove cart and I to scoop charles, then go to the venue. We scooped charles and he forgot the prints like a dumbass. So we had to spin back. Finally on the way to the venue, I got a call that would almost induce a heart attack.
Exp called me saying there's some guy at the venue saying he's spinning and performing the whole show. Charles said "nah let me text the owner and clear this up" and apollo called me saying the exact same thing. We get there and I'm about to piss my pants. I run in, piss, come out, and charles looks at me in the face, half-smirking, but i could tell he was deeply embarassed, and says "low key it's my fault." Instant heartbreak. How could this happen. How could he be so stupid. He didn't confirm with the venue (the jungle) about the show. I could kill him. I could beat the shit out of him. He was saying the wanted to hang back and enjoy his time (I guess some girl he's been seeing was coming or something) without worrying about how things would go. Anyways, instant panic mode trying to figure things out. There was talk of a generator. I called triff asking about a speaker. I tried to contact hugo. Triff answered and said we could drive to go get his speaker. Pain. Apparently ohm's dad's generator was solar, not gas. There are details here that are honestly too difficult to completely recollect, but wow. Pain. I felt so fucking bad. Here's the thing that has fucked me up the most over the past week (speaking in real time on 250803 now): It wasn't my fault. It was Charles' fault. But I was working directly with Charles and trusted him, me alone, no one else was involved in the date, time, and actual booking besides charles and me. So, by proxy, I was responsible for Charles. I was responsible for things going wrong, even though I didn't fuck up. I fucked up by putting my trust in a retard. That's too harsh, and I shouldn't use that word, but wow, something so obvious, so given, as confirming with the venue, when this was planned weeks in advance. Just our luck. Could only happen to us.
We decided an option was prospect hill. I remember there being outlets there. We trkked up, everyone running around nonstop. Truth be told, Fern, exp, and i were the only people being helpful. Ohm obviously didn't give a fuck, apollo said some dumb shit like "I can't wait to go home and play fortnite" which almost sent me into a rage, and cart was just sad. Depressed. I tried to cheer up up. I patted him on the back and told him we would find a solution. Still, today, in real time, on 250803, I'm just dumbfounded that this could happen. How could this happen? How? It almost feels sadistic.
Not really thinking about how it must have seemed for me to request this, I asked Wyatt if I could pay him to drive me to pick up Triff's speaker. Ben said something like 'he just drove for like 6 hours' which is true but I just didn't know what to do. I told him I'd pay him. He wasn't down. I called dru to ask him what he thought options could be. Ben, Te, and Carter were not being very helpful. We had the idea of getting fern's car and connecting mics to j's laptop then connecting to fern's car via aux. So fern jetted to his apartment to get his car just in case we couldn't figure anything else out.
I forgot to say that at the jungle, when everything first went south, cart and exp and I walked in and tried to offer the people who already had a show going on money in order to buy them out of their slot. We offered like $250 up to $500 for their slot and they didn't budge. There was no one in there and it looked so lame.
Breaking for a real time commentary: It pains me to relive this by writing about it. I have tears welling at the corners of my eyes. The stress and anxiety I was undergoing made my head hurt. Jakob was filming everything, telling me to calm down. I'm so sad about how this went. This changed everything.
Walking down from prospect hill we noticed the parking lot behind citizens bank was a good candidate, a 1-minute walk from the jungle, for the 'show.' At this point my job was to wait outside the jungle and wrangle people until 10:30pm, when I decided the show would start. At about 10pm J called me and said everything was set up and good to go. He kept asking me what we were waiting for and I told him we should wait until more people showed up and I told people 10:30pm on the dot anyways. Bonx, notthesun, cian and crew showed up. I gave them the scoop and shit. Cam, Drew, Luca, even fucking Maksym showed up. So many homies. A lot were antisocial and I didn't want to feel like I was babysitting them. Whatever. I kept telling them to go hang out in the parking lot instead but they didn't. Sean pulled up and gave me a japanese cigarette. What a great guy. Man, I wish I could do everything. I'm about to cry again. Phoebe was there. On the phonw with Jame for a really long time saying they were on the way I guess. But Roley met up with Jame to go together, so obviously they were tweaked out on K together and could barely function. They finally showed up and from a distance i could see them saying what's up to apollo and ohm. I tried to wave to Roley but she couldn't see me. Jame almost walked right by me and went into the jungle before I said "yeo no hello?" They looked shook and frazzled and said "oh, sorry" and we said hi and dapped and all that. They were clearly off the shits a little and they said they did a little ketamine. I knew it would happen. This thing with Jame and Roley being all friendly is giving me flashbacks to the triad of pain and torture that was comprised of Carrie, Gwen, and Jame. As if I weren't stressed and anxious enough, this added 100x to both. Roley was tweaking the fuck out. I love hanging out with her so much when she's sober but if we're not fucking she's insuferable off k. She looked really sexy though, with red lipstick. She kinda just said hi then fucked off. I think I mentioned something to Maksym about "oh that girl I've been hooking up with just pulled up" and when she walked by acting all fried I think I said to Maksym "I regret my life decisions." He thought it was funny. Wyatt and Cam talked for a while, that was nice. I'm glad they met. There was this random couple that Roley started walking around with. I didn't know until later that she already knew these people and invited them to the show, but I thought she just randomly met this girl. She actually tatted the girl before, which is how they met. I decided I had to resign to ignoring Roley while I handled shit. I think she was preoccupied by other shit and felt weird about being around, especially while high. I think she was a little self conscious about meeting my friends and me introducing her to people and shit. That other girl's name was charlotte. She ended up following me on instagram or something, which was weird because Roley didn't give her my ig or snything. It was also weird because they kept walking around all holding hands: this girl charlotte's boyfriend holding charlotte's hand, and charlotte holding roley's hand. Days later roley would tell me she thought it was weird and couldn't telling if they were coming on to her as a couple or if they were just helping her cuz she was high. I don't know but it bummed me out. I just wish things could be normal, but obviously they can;t be, and that's why Roley and I get along so well: We have fucked up attachment issues and problems with our exes, and we're both addicts.
A moment that made me stop caring about being nice: charles bothering me about where casper was because his cds were still in casper's car, as if that had anything to do with me. Then, casper pulling up and asking what was going on, etc, where charles was, and asking me more than once "where's the citizen's bank?" I finally snapped and said "it's right fucking there!" pointing in its direction, and told him to "look it up on your phone." I felt a little bad, but in all truth, I didn't care. People were being morons tonight. I'm tired of being nice. Using a phrase Roley taught me, I "couldn't be fucked."
So, we all walked over at 10:30, and for some reason everything was hooked up to casperr's car, and we started the show. 2 Songs in we decided to switch to fern's car. Could barely hear audio. Everything was fucked. I felt like I was the only one who could be heard on the mic, which isn't anything new. It was really frustrating. People piss me off. So we did the album and that was that. Actually halfway through bonx came up to me and in a really gay way said "let me performmmm" which pissed me off so fucking much. He did some songs after the album was done. People were hyped on us and mostly me, because I have a good stage presence and actually rapped along to my vocals. I felt bad that fern was relegated to the car to do sound, only popping out for his verses. I told him I'd pay him for what he did. Desmos and the racside guys popped out literally right after the show ended. It was nice to see soldier, rxckett, maz, and ace. Bonx did some songs but no one gave a fuck because he wasn't even trying. He wasn't even rapping along to the songs. Whatever. We tried.
02 and 03 left without saying bye, really, and I ran over to them while they were leaving the parking lot and Roley appeard. They were all gonna uber home together I guess. I'm not gonna lie I was worried Roley was gonna try to fuck 02 but shortly after everyone left she sent me a nude from her apartment. Not even really a nude but a poto in a suggestible pose. She was wearing the shirt she stole from me, and she sent other photos too. She wished she stayed instead of fucking off with Charlotte and her boyfriend, and she wanted me to come over to hers. I couldn't stop texting her all night. DMing, rather, because I think her husband has access to her imessage somehow. She kept asking for me to come and saying she wished she stayed and that she just felt weird, etc etc, but I told her the guys wanted to paint so I couldn't come through really. It was all painful.
Te was staying with casper for the night apparently, so I hopped in the trunk and waited for frolic to paint this 2-letter fill on the building in the parking lot while Jakob filmed. We were led to believe he was doing a hollow, but he actually did a fill. I watched him crawl up the gutter and get on the roof. Everyone was really bummed about the show actually. I could tell they were trying to be nonchalant but it was serious. People were not chipper. A security guard speed walked across the parking lot and started yelling at frolic as jakob tried to get his attention. We started hearing sirens in the distance. Everyone jetted to the car and as soon as everyone hopped in, frolic turned the ignition and sped off, accelerating extremely fast. We jetted around trying to lose cops, had they seen the car, then stopped at 7-11 to get some snacks. In the car Tripp, who was with Cooper, called me to ask what was going on, and I said sorry but the show ended. He said the cops were there. I ran into tripp and cooper at 7-11 and apologized profusely that they came all this way just to be turned around, and I said I'd catch them later possibly. I got 2 hot dogs for the price of 1 by stuffing 2 into the little box, and I also got some ranch. I gave exp most of my 2nd dog. We got in the whip and went back to my place.
Nick chilled for a sec. Ohm chilled too. Idk why but I vented to exp about this shit with Roley. He reminded me what I asked him: "should I destroy this marriage." He said no, not if I couldn't offer something better. I'm still skeptical as to whether I really did it, because it's murky as to whether she was gonna leave him before or after our first link, but if anything this was a pretty big push in the direction of her marriage ending. Anyways, I said how it bummed me out so much that she just got fried and fucked off, but whatever. Jupps fell asleep on my bed, they tagged my table, ohm said some cryptic shit. It was nice how ohm talked to these guys more. Frolic and exp went out to go paint for a little, jakob filming as well, and I just chilled with notforever for a second. They got back and we kinda just hit the hay. Wyatt slept on the floor for some reason. Lights turned off, J was watching the x files. I fell asleep. There was a crazy ass scream that woke me up, it made J laugh. I ended up finally sleeping in my bed next to jupps. Barely slept, obviously, but it was ok. What a horrible time.
Woke up really early cuz I wanted to go to work before linking Roley but I was cutting it close, since I kept turning off alarms and falling back asleep, so I decuded to do that later. I think I was pretty hungover too. Around 9:45am I finally wrote on the cd using the orange posca I got. I took a photo of my bedside table because all the stuff on it looked cool. Roley kept flip flopping between 10 and 11 for when I'd be good to come over. I could kinda tell she was really nervous. I'd later find out it's because her husband and his friends (i think??? idk he apparently doesn't have that many) were being really slow to start getting on the road to vermont. I left much earlier than I needed to and started reading gravity's rainbow on Sutherland st, on a stone wall with some shade outside some big building. She told me she needed paper towels so I went and grabbed her some. She told me to go to the reservoir. I'm glad I took her word for it because it was nice to chill in nature. I was also nervous to see Roley. I could barely read. She gave me the go-ahead eventually and I pulled up around noon. She really was nervous. Me too because the memory is kind of a blur. I sat in a chair while sat on her bed and it made me feel so awkward. Fortunately she told me directly that I could come sit on the bed with her. Her studio really was tiny. I can't imagine living in such a small room, especially with another person. And her husband pays like, well over $1k/month for it, I think.
They had a lot of knick knacks and told me to take some. I asked about this little nibbler from futurama keychain that was hanging on a pole and she said I couldn't have it because it's not her's but also fuck her her and maybe I could just take it. I felt so weird asking if I could have any of the knick knacks though, I felt like such an imposition.
She told me to take my shirt off so she could pick at my back. I complied. She picked at my arm too, which ended up being unideal for tatting. At some point, I don't know how this was prompted, but she said "That's why we could never date, because you have so much going on." She's not wrong. That's when I told her "I was more bummed when you said you didn't wanna be friends than when you said you didn't wanna hook up." I think she just liked me too much, which is strange because I don't think I exhibited any qualities that would really make me likeable to her, but hey, I guess it did the trick. She did say she really liked me when she texted me after leaving on 250723. She said she got too excited too quick and was starting to get attached. Anyways, in response to what I said she said she just can't be friends with people she used to hook up with. I just asked her that if we happened to be in the same city if it'd be ok to hit her up, and she said yeah. I just wanted to make sure we were chill. And she confirmed we would be. She said she'd still tattoo me, which made me really happy.
She cried when I gave her her cd. She kept tearing up and saying "there's a lot going on right now." I tried to be comforting and understanding by saying "I can't imagine, I can't blame you for being upset," etc etc and things of that nature. A new development, since she just got on the phone and confirmed with the program while I was in the room with her, is that on 250731 she's going to orange county for a max-90-day residential treatment program. No panama, no switzerland, no boston. All out the window. She's just trying to leave society and work on her addictions (ketamine, weed, sex and love (im just presuming that one)). I'm happy for her but it's a big change. She kept asking if it was crazy that she was doing that. I said it's not and I wish I could do something similar. I'm happy for her. She's scared but it's the right thing.
Continuing to update at 9:30AM on 250731. I was supposed to write all night last night but ended up not. Anyways...
Tattoo set up took a really long time, but we were talking, which I love to do, so I didn't mind. She was procrastinating because she hadn't tatted in like a week, I suppose. She needed more gloves so we walked to cvs. I remembered I needed batteries. We racked. It felt so wholesome to rack with her. I could cry right now thinking about it. Carrie would always get mad whenever I stole, but for Roley and I it was a passtime. I love her. Not actually, because I'm not capable of that in the same way other people are, and I feel weird appropriating the phrase, but I'm gonna miss her so much. We clicked so well. We walked back to her place and continued the set-up. The stencil faced a little too far forwards the first time she put it on, then the second stencil got fucked up. The third was perfect though.
She started poking me. It didn't hurt at all. She put some bactine on my arm though, which I think has lidocaine in it, so I really couldn't feel a thing. I liked looking at everything in her room, taking it all in. She played all her liked songs. A lot of them were really good, but some were ridiculously cringe. A nascar aloe song came on at some point, which she reaffirmed me was from at least 8 years ago. I forget how far along we were in the tatt, but at one point she said she's probably gonna be realy horny off ketamine later, if I wanted to come over and fuck her. I was shocked. I don't think I showed my excitement because she immediately asked "sorry, was that weird?" and I: "No, not at all, I'd love to, I just thought you didn't want to." I think our dynamic worked. At least for me. I knew she'd want to keep seeing me if we hung out today. She turns me on so much. I know she loves my dick. I started getting hard under the table while she tattooed me.
We finished around 5. She wasn't that hyped on the birds whe I first suggested them, but she really liked how the tatt turned out. I was really hyped. She wanted to go see the fish while I changed water at work, so we got our shit together and trekked to harvard square. We were going to take the 86 but it wasn't coming for a while, so we decided to take the b line to harvard avenue and hop on the 66, which comes more frequently. She wore some cool oakley sunglasses. She looked really cool. I felt cool walking around with her by my side. There were moments where we didn't have a lot to talk about, but it felt ok. It feels good to know someone likes you a lot.
As we sat waiting for the 66 I mentioned how I always wear my headphones while getting on the bus so the driver thinks I can't hear when my charlie card declines. She liked that idea and whipped out her koss porta pros. The tan colorway. They were popular a few years back, but she kept rocking them I guess. They look good on her. She just started playing music. Those kinds of headphones have no noise cancellation at all, so she could hear me, and also don't insulate the sound coming from them to the ear, so she leaned over to me and had me press my ear against hers, separated by heaphone, to hear a remix of paper planes by M.I.A. called "Fuck All Y'all" by The Last Mr. Bigg. I liked it. I liked taking the bus with her. She kept tweaking out because her plug wouldn't respond to her and she really wanted ketamine. She asked me "do you think she's gonna respond" and I didn't know what to say. I said "I don't know this person, but I'll be encouraging and say yes, I think she's gonna respond." Roley said "Do you think she hates me?" Which she says about a lot of people, and I said "No that wouldn't make any sense."
We walked from the bus to the lab. She liked the fish a lot. She asked me if I'd steal a fish for her to breed. She said she wants to cross them to get a certain blue luster. I told her to go to petco. She liked sara's fish with the long tails. She wondered if it was the same sara who she knew. Obviously it wasn't. I showed her the embryos through the microscope. She looked so intently. It was really cute. I also showed her the rotifers with algae in theit tanks and the brine shrimp. I told her about how there was contamination of artemia in the rotifers tanks and they grew really big and looked gross.
Updating at 1:21pm on 250801. Wow. It's been hard to catch up.
We took the bus back in the direction of allston. The 86. She put her hand on my leg. She said "well, if your ex ends up bringing her new man to that party, you can call me and i'll come, so you can show me off." I said "thanks, I was thinking of asking you that but didn't want to objectify you." She said soemthing about still being really curious who they were, and it's funny, I keep saying they every time Carrie comes up Roley completely ignores that and says she. Anyways I said something about how she's a lot more interesting and cooler, and as a joke I said "and you're more attractive too." She kinda awkwardly smiled and said "let's not compare people" and I akwardly taped up the situation by saying "i'm kidding, i mean i'm not kidding but i was just trying to say the most fried thing possible, that joke was too edgy, sorry." She bought it perfectly. Brushed over it.
To be honest we had hung out for 7 hours so I also wanted a little time to myself. I got off the 86 at the stop right before trader joe's. Hanging out with Roley for that long made me feel a high that could get me through any social anxiety. I was so ecstatic this day I could tear up right now thinking about it. I might. Now it's 2pm and I have only one hour left to write and I can't catch up. It sucks. I miss Roley a lot. Anyways...
When I got home I drank a lot. I was excited and scared. I took a photo to remember how I felt. I thought I looked good, actually. I posted it on instagram and said 'I am overjoyed.' Carter would be coming over shortly and we'd take the bus to harvard, then walk from there to the party in central. I saw Tommy was spinning at exit so I walked over and said what's up to him real quick. I said I've been very busy and he said he's noticed. I bummed a cigarette off of him. Thank you Tommy. I walked to trader joes to get a microwaveable burrito. I actually hadn't eaten at all today before that. I drank a beer and smoked a cigarette before eating and it was around 7:30pm. I felt fine actually, probably just ecstatic from the day. Carter came over and we hung out for a second. Nick was around. We watched some black tattoo parlor reality tv show on pluto, then I hopped in the shower real quick. I was by no means stunting, cuz i wore the same fit and same clothes I've worn several times before, but I felt like I looked good. Miguel was bringing me one of his hats. I was gonna wear the chalk press bandana under it. Carter and I hopped on the bus. Straightforward. We were excited about outside world dropping. We rolled cigarettes before the bus came, actually, then smoked them when we got off.
The walk to central was quick. We walked by the door and I immediately spotted Carrie and Gwen. We hung out and said hi to Isaac and Will real quick. Will made a joke that the conversation got too autistic for me because he started to talk about bikes when I said I was gonna go inside. Really I just wanted to peel the bandaid off. I walked in and the first thing that happened was carrie turned around, smiled, and gave me a little wave. They were wearing some kinda dress, classically good trinketcore style, earings dangling off their ears if I remember correctly (I actually probably don't, I didn't care to pay close attention or look very long), and the newest thing was a big pair of nerd glasses, which they've worn before, I think, but they stood out that night. The looked good. Their skin looked good. Maybe it was makeup or maybe they're getting healthier. Anyways, the guy wasn't there. I asked. Or someone came up to me and told me. Maybe it was Meera, I don't know. It was a blur due to anxiety and drunkness. Basically, I decided that I would like to say hi to Carrie at some point, preferably while Gwen was not in the vicinity, but that I didn't want it to be the first thing I did. Maybe the third or fourth, but not first. So I made my rounds of the whole party. Notables: Ashlynn was there, very unexpected, I guess that's why huey wasn't invited, on top of meera not liking him anymore I guess. I forgot Ashlynn's friends with emily, who was obviously also there. She spoke very softly and wasn't wearing any makeup and seemed bummed. Emily was in high spirits. I like her, she's dope. She's so chill, she talks to me way more than I thought she would. Maybe she's come out of her shell recently or something. She's interesting. Will's a lucky guy. Anyways, Chopped it up with Will, Rania, Odi, etc etc etc. Lexy's always so easy to talk to. No Mae unfortunately. Didn't really talk to amelia too much, unfortunately. Akim talked to carter and I for a super long time. About music and stuff. So many people don't know what we get up to. I talked to Lexy about bikes. She said I can always come to her or mae for help with bike shit. She said it sucked I'm bikeless right now and I agreed. Isaac pressed the button on my chrome bag and it fell. I got back at him by tickling him to the ground. He knocked the fucking trash bag that was hanging out of place. I told him not to fuck with me. That coulda been bad if glass broke but I was a little tested. Miguel showed up like a gangsta with the hat. Heads started taking pics of me ripping Migue's vape from across the room, idk why. I looked back on the photos and I looked so tan. I talked to Maisie for a grip. What a sweetheart. Maia and Delia were nice to me. That fag Robby was there in his dumb houndstooth hat. I'm just kidding, I like it. I introduced myself and said "hi i live with the devil." he didn't really know what I was talking about so I clarified "i live with nick" and he said "oh i knew that". Maisie joked and said "at least you admit it" to which I said "im just kidding! nick did nothihng wrong!" When I told nick about it the next day he asked me if I really said that. I said yes and he appreciated me for it. Everyone mobbed outside, carter and I took some promo pics for outside world, and everyone else also wanted to take group flicks. It was fun. Lil block party of sorts. At one point Maia stood kinda too far from maisie and I to make sense, Idk it was just kinda weird, and she said some shit about brewopoly. I was like "never again" or something and she talked about having wine spilled on her, and also mentioned she knows "all about that" I guess in relation to Carrie being mad at me for wanting to hang out with my friends (classic). I wonder what Meera thinks about that.
Anyways, the experience was fine. Maybe it would have ben nice to talk to Carrie, maybe not. There's risk. At first I was thinking I should text them and say "sorry i didn't say hi last night, I was hoping to before you dipped out, but I was hoping we could start being more comfortable around each other since we see each other all the time." Then, I thought no, that if it hapened it would happen in real life, and it's better to let this sleeping dog lie, and that can of worms unopened. Emily very nicely asked me how I was feeling about it when we were all outside, towards the end of the party. I said it was chill, I'm just glad she didn't bring her new boyfriend, and that it was better than I thought it was gonna be. Maisie's the one who told me Carrie and Gwen dipped out when I asked. When I really think about the extremely close bond between the two, it reminds me that I don't want none of that! Everyone asked me about my tatt, and I was so excited to tell Roley that later. I felt loved and supported by my friends.
Anyways, carter and I walked all the way back to harvard square to take the 86 but it was 50 minutes out. I was gonna mob to Roley's and he was just going home. We took a lyft, like $16 in total, and it dropped him off first. When I got to Roley's place she walked out and grabbed me. She said "you're wearing a hat now." She turned around and started walking to her door, said "look at this," and lifted up her shirt to reveal that she was wearing absolutely nothing besides that said shirt. Her ass looked cute. She has a nice ass, but it particularly looked cute in that moment. She gave a cute little swagger towards the entrance to her apartment, which had monochrome red lights on. I told her I had to take a moment to post about outside world dropping, as it was just a little past midnight. She must have railed a shit ton of ket right before she grabbed me because at this moment, while I was sitting on the edge of her bed and she was standing outside her bathroom right next to her apartment door, which leads to the lobby, she started completely tweaking. She made her classic tourette's-esque clicks and ticks, said "huh" "hmph" and "what?" more times than I could count, but what really sucked was that she started uncontrollably yelling "no" and screaming. I guess she was having a bad trip, but I was extremely concerned with how it looked that she clearly intoxicatedly brought me into her apartment while naked and started screaming and yelling "no" at the top of her lungs next to her door, which made it 1000x more audible than it would be at any other topographical point in the small studio apartment. I tried to comfort her and get her to chill out, which helped a little. I tried to get her to move towards the bed and maybe lie down but she was sticking, she wouldn't budge. She almost collapsed to the floor, but I let her down gently, stroked her arm, played with her hair, and held her as she tweaked out. She calmed down. Eventually she had me help her up and we moved to the bed. Again, I didn't want to fuck her, but she got naked and writhed around on the bed saying "you can fuck me." I remembered this was, truly, exactly what she wanted, so we fucked. I don't remember that much of it, but it was good. She's so sexy. Sex with her is always good. I remember knocking pretty soon after I came, I think. I might have kept fucking her after I came too, I think I did at least, but anyways, I was a little too tired for more. We hit the hay.
I don't remember anything notable about this day. I need to dig into the archives. I remember my anxiety being at an all-time high, that's for sure. I hung back at home during the collaborator lab meeting and definitely fucked off at work. I remember an intense rainshower while I was at the lab that lasted no time. I wore my new yellow last resort skate shoes to start breaking them in. I walked to central after work because I wanted to get an orange posca to write 'Arman's mix 4 Roley' on their cd. I also stopped by found to finally buy one of Miguel's oso gordo hats in black, but they didn't have my size (which I now know is 7 3/8 for a fitted). I took the bus home from central, I think the 49, and it was a nightmare. Hell. It was so hot. And crowded. It would have taken far less time to walk home, and i should have. Nick was waiting on me to hit the lake. Roley was being really confusing because I told her I hoped we could still be friends after we hooked up and she said she didn't want to be, which realy confused me, and she kept going back and forth on whether we would see each other tomorrow. She had me fucked up. I've been following in Nick's footsteps: break up while living together, fucked up over tuzz... maybe next i'll make someone really fucking mad at me in the same way maia was towards him.
I got home and was pretty annoyed and flabbergasted, not gonna lie. I kept asking nick when he wanted to leave and he wasn't being very responsive. I was so bummed because of the sitch with Roley but also so anxious about Meera's party. I was more bummed that Roley said she didn't want to be friends than when she said she didn't want to hook up.
Anyways, we met up at the lake with isaac. I chugged a modelo tall boy before we swam. Nick called me the goat of drinking beer, which sucks. The lake was pretty occupied and the weather was strange, but Nick and Isaac and I swam really far to this cool weeping willow-type tree and found a lot of muscles in the sand. We skipped them as best we could. Nick's a fast swimmer, I guess from surfing. I was pretty schlump, so I swam kinda lazily. We went to Newton center after and all got different foods. Isaac got a burrito from tango mango, nick got ice cream, and i got a burger + chili fries. A lot of food but I was really hungry.
After we got back, I was supposed to troop back out to cambridge to link Carter and Lyric, who would be in oprter square getting dinner with carter's parents. I wore them down into coming over instead though, and we kicked it for a long time, honestly. Got a lot of high lifes for the whoke night. We sat outside listening to music, chopping it up and talking shit. Maybe talking about other people too much. Idk. I just needed support and they gave it to me. I told lyric about how carter told me carrie was already posting photos kissing this guy and shit and was like "why tf would i want to hear that" and he was like "sorry man i didn't know" or something like that. Just wanted to indirectly tell him that I don't wanna hear about that shit. I was so drunk honestly. We played a little outside world for lyric, played old surf gang classics like cookies n runtz by moh baretta and omk by bobainee. Smoked hella cigs. Nick, before we went outside, right when they pulled up,
said something like "oooo long distance" and made some kinda face, which was funny, when he heard lyric was moving. I hope their relationship lasts bruh lyric is dope. She's so chill and easy to talk to. She also made some kinda comment about how I'm so connected, but I feel weird about that. I don't want the main thing I'm known for to be my connections to other people. Roley said I should be grateful I'm so connected, and I am, and I definitely reap the benefits, but I want to be known for myself. Anyways, those guys left and I chugged another beer before falling asleep in a stupor.
*To the tune of one week by barenaked ladies* it's been one week since I updated this site. I write this at 10:38AM on 250730, the second-to-last day of July. It was a whirlwind week, as I'll get into shortly, but I think I'll actually try to update all my shit tonight. Tonight can be devoted to getting drunk and updating the site in (hopefully) detail. Right now I'm just writing this and trying to think of something to take up the next ~4 hours. I wonder if I'll regret these anecdotes and skipping around later.
Basically the major thing that happened this day is that Roley told me she didn't want to see me anymore because she was getting too attached. We flip-flopped back and forth on whether 2 days from this day, on Saturday, I could go over to her place and give her her gift (the cd). "But I'm not sure u should come over and get tattooed" me: "its ok i obviously understand", her: "I think I got too excited too quick."
I ranted to my therapist for a very long time during my appointment. I wish I took more notes but it was really intense. Before the session I wrote some topics that have been occupying my life for the past two weeks: worked on music a lot (both my own and finalizing outside world), definitely drank and turned up a lot, i'm bikeless and it’s frustrating, I have been drinking in excess, charles’ party, odi’s birthday, isaac’s birthday, karaoke.
I told her about how I saw Carrie with their new man and expressed extreme anxiety about seeing not just Carrie, but also this guy at Meera's going away party. My therapist agreed that it would be good exposure therapy and this is something I need to get used to, and if I get the chance to say hi I can, but the night is about Meera, so that should be the focus.
I told her about my saga with Roley and how it's ok that she doesn't want to hang out anymore, it's understandable. She said it doesn't seem very feesible, or something along those lines. I told her about how I'm starting to realize, at least to my understanding, that I don't experience feelings of love and romance in the same way other people do. And it's not something I should force myself to conform to or learn. A long time ago viv, for whatever reason, asked me if I think of Carrie more romantically or platonically (as lovers or as best friends, essentially). I don't know why viv asked this but I think it's because she was going through her own romantic dilemna. I thought about it for a second and lied. I said I view them more romantically and it doesn't feel like we're only best friends. I view these relationships platonically and I always have. These are platonic relationships that involve physical affection. They start with infatuation, and when that wears off there's just comfort. I don't know if I've felt romantic love in the same way it's been felt about me. My therapist said that carrie was obviously very needy and that isn't very romantic. I'm not trying to say im this cold unloving miser, but I just think I love in a unique way. It feels good to learn something new about myself that makes past situations make sense.
My therapist told me Carrie is probably bringing their new boyfriend to the party and to be prepared. I spent a lot of time venting about how Gwen and Carrie enable such stupid behaviors in each other. I recounted the most recent situation with jame where they had to be kicked out of the apartment and fell down the stairs. How, after everything that's happened, this situation would be even possible, where jame would be at that apartment, astounds me. Carrie and Gwen seem cool and arty and crazy (one more than the other), but they're two retarded bitches telling each other exactly. And I'm glad I'm not in on it. Roley showed me that people can be hot, cool, cutty, and have much more going on behind their eyes.
Anyways, I didn't take that many notes, but I ran in circles venting and talking about my intense physical feelings of anxiety, and how I need exposure therapy to stop them, and also how breathing actually has helped me a lot in the past two weeks to deal with extreme highs and lows, and how I'm excited for the album to come out and for this show to happen.
After work, in my sadness, I copped a beer (or maybe more, I can't remember) and hacky sacked in perry park. I read some of gravity's rainbow too. I think I got 17 touches, which isn't amazing, but good for that day and how hot it was. I was excited to go home and hopefully see Nick after his past couple days in nyc. Exp's package miraculously turned up and the cd was inside. In addition were 3 photos he printed. One of myself, apollo, katebi, jupps, karonte, and nf at bed stuy diy, one of a hollow on a yellow wall, and a really epic throw on a bridge.
Nick wasn't actually super down to chill but we chopped it up for a second. I can't remember what I did for the rest of the night. I probably ate, drank, watched something, and went to sleep early.
Actually I remember now, I went to Dru's and chilled with him for a second. I can't remember how hard I trauma dumped on him but I think it was nothing to write home about. Dru's the best. Such a good supporter.
Actually woke up disgustingly hungover. Like truly shamefully hungover. From beer. Ate some blueberries.
I was incredibly late to work. Not true. Just 30 minutes, but I was rushing and it upset me. Nick got the job he applied to in nyc. What a lucky duck. Nah he worked really hard. I'm happy for him! Excited to talk to him. Not sure if he'll accept it or not.
Talked to Roley a lot. They went to the airport. They're gonna come see me after they land.
I honestly felt awful, like I might puke, for a lot of the day. I went to whole foods and got a kombucha. Peach, it was good. I went to perry park to drink it while texting Roley and figuring out the collab post to announce the outside world tracklist.
2
Honestly I spent a lot of today working on outside world stuff. I was in almost constant communication with exp. Album's done, feels good.
I left work a 3, citing via whiteboard that I'd be staying later tomorrow. I took the bus to lulu's and noshed on wings and drank 2 beers. I got home and cracked open that last pbr tall can and chilled briefly. I wrote out my lyrics for outside world and sent them to exp. I cleaned, shaved my pubes, trimmed my beard, showered, wec, all of that in anticipation of Roley coming over. They took a taxi from the airport amd arrived at 9:19pm.
I helped them bring their suitcase upstairs. We talked for a long time. She was really excited to see coffee.
I'm updating this at 1:39pm on 250725. Honestly, I think I hesitated to write about it because it was kind of a blur. I felt a lack of self awareness which was good. Comfortable. Maybe I wasn't the quickest n quippiest, but I left comfortable. She went into my room and sat on my bed, and I did the same. I asked her if she wanted to drink. She said yes and that she wanted to hang out in my kitchen. She tried to rearrange the magnetic letters into new words, but didn't get very far. I think I rearragnged an upside down 6, a 4, a sideways equals sign, and a z into an abstraction of "balls," which wasn't very ammusing. She wrote out "shody bug." We talked about movies. She recommended me 'tiny furniture' and 'white god.' We sat on the couch. Something that stands out is that she talked about how Van is a lot. I think it came up because somehow my situationship with Van came up. I wasn't very drunk at all but IDK why I can't remember the specifics of our conversation very well. I think she said that Van hasn't been with any girls. That was kinda confusing because I'm like 99% sure a majority of their sexual partners have been pussy havers. I told Roley that Van told me they didn't realize sex with a man could feel that good (but idt they've been with that many penis havers). She asked me how I feel about feet and I said they're ok. And I said how when I was in seattle this girl I was hooking up with wanted me to worship her feet and it was ok. She said she doesn't like getting her toes sucked but she likes her own feet. I think she said something about how she's a nudist. She said she hates socks. I mentioned how nudity is legal in seattle and a group of people walked by a playground completely naked in the park when I was last there. I told her I understand the sentiment but I'm also not crazy about the idea of people exposing themselves to children, whether the goal is to normalize sexual body parts or not. We split a bottle of wine by the way. The shitty trader joe's wine I got for the first time we would meet, unsure if she was a beer drinker. I'm for some reason remembering how she wanted me to fuck her in public. I think i mentioned nymphomaniac to her and she talked about how she's probably hypersexual becuase of her trauma. She asked me how long I was breastfed. I didn't know. She said she was breastfed for x amount of time, I can't remember how long it was or whether it was too long or not long enough by her standards, but she attributes every issue she faces today to that. She wants to join a cult. I guess she wants security. She hates people but also hates being alone. One of the most notable things was that from the moment she arrived, her husband was blowing up her phone. Like nonstop calling for this entire time. Obviously hella texts too.
She asked where coffee was and I said she was in my room. She walked in. I sat on the bed. She took her shoes off, those vibram toe shoes. Her feet smelled pretty bad to be honest. I guess strongly, but not bad. It was fine. It was intense but it wasn't even a bad smell ig. I wasn't into it though. Her body didn't smell bad. She asked where coffee was again and she was hidden in my little sock drawer. She crawled over on top of me and started playing with the cat as I caressed her leg. She was wearing some adidas track pants, they were cute. She strattled me and stuck her tongue down my throat. She started grinding up against me. I was so horny. I hadn't cum since I sent her that nut video with the sound on on wednesday. She took her shirt off and I started sucking on her nipples. I made sure to be rougher with the way I grabbed her. She got off me and took her pants off. I took my pants off but waited for her to pull my boxers off. I don't know why I like that so much. Maybe it's the way my elastic snaps off my dick and makes it swing back up. Makes it feel like some kind of reveal, but only when it's being done to me. From then on we fucked for probably an hour and a half, give a little more maybe. I truly love how she lifts her legs highx so my dick can be as deep as possible inside her. That's wat she kept saying: that it was so deep. I love the way her eyes roll back into her head and she knows that. Maybe its because she used to be a sex worker and has fucked probably 3x the people I have (ik it's over 100 and I'm at 38), but I'd like to think I fuck her well. I don't know why I'm good at sex. I think I am though. Her pussy kinda has a mound. I don't think I really noted it until then. I'd look down and wouldn't really see my dick going in and out that clearly. It was obstructed. I stayed 100% hard for so long. I was so happy. It was taking me a really long time to cum and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to, so I asked her if she wanted to 69. We did for a while, but for some reason it wasn't super easy to eat her pussy from that angle. That doesn't usually happen, it was kinda strange. So she turned around and made out with me sloppily to taste herself on my mouth. Then she started riding my dick. The way she rides dick is agressive as fuck and it kinda slipped out a few times, actually more than a few times. I was kinda scared I was gonna end up like dennis rodman with a broken dick from sex. She spit in my mouth and it tasted so fucking good. Her salivam which there was a lot of, had an acidic taste. We were so sweaty and I loved tasting it on her body. I left small marks on her, being careful not to get her in trouble with her husband. I choked her, and in retrospect probably not as hard as she wanted, but I hope it turned her on. She scratched the shit out of me. It hurt, truth be told. And she bit me so fucking hard. She left bruises, not hickies, but bruises from biting my arms and my chest. Thinking about her tongue running along my neck gives me a pang of arousal as I type this. Finally I put her back on her back and pounded her until I came. It was good but for some reason not entirely satisfying. Like the cum didn't shoot out all at once or something. I don't know. Anyways, I kept my dick insider her and as she commanded me to because she likes feeling the cum get pushed deeper inside. I kissed her mouth and body. Eventually I turned onto my back, pulling my dick out. She reached her fingers into her pussy and scooped out some cum, then put those covered fingers in her mouth, sliding them down her tongue. "I like tasting your cum." I should use quotes more, wow that's stupid of me. Before my refractory period was over I was rubbing her clit and making her spasm as she tugged at my already sore dick. I made her cum pretty quickly, and I enjoyed watching her convulse while I did it. Out of exhaustion she had me fuck her from the side, which lasted a little. I fingered her more while fucking her from the side. Then she lied down with her ass up for me to fuck her from behind. She loved it. I pushed her head down into the pillow like she instructed me to do over text messages, which made her almost groan with exasperated happiness. Eventually I turned her back on her back and kept drilling her until I came a second time, and this is the second time I've cum twice in a night from this girl, which is unheard of for me, and extremely quickly too (for me, a slow nutter, not for other guys). This second ejaculation felt so much better than the first. My voice almost cracked as my sweat dripped down onto her face. I had her in almost a sideways spiral, trying to manhandle her as she contused parts of my body with her teeth. Again, I kept my dick inside her and thrusted to push the cum further inside. Eventually when I laid back she again took the cum from her pussy and brought it to her mouth. Then she wiped the scess cum from my dick and did the same. She shot up and started sucking my extremely sore dick again too. She's so fucking good. I think it's cuz we both shaved our pubes that I felt quite a bit of a rug burn on my dick. Two days later my pelvis would be sore. Like when I fucked Marceline. We cuddled briefly and decided to go to bed soon. I think although it wasn't completely completely uninhibited, I think that was the best sex I'd ever had in my life.
She looked at her phone finally. While we were fucking, her ex broke her stencil printer, on purpose obviously. She was on the verge of tears. She realized she shouldn't go back to the apartment so she was kind of freaking out about what to do. She said, "you won't like it, but I have someone i can stay with who I don't like and will upset me a lot but he'll pay me." I asked, "why wouldn't I like that?" And her: "Because you don't like sex work." And I: "That's not true." Choosing my words carefully and slowly stuttering: "We're not like, together, so we can both get with other people, and if getting paid is a part of that it makes no difference to me." She asked me what she should do with her life now. I said she should go to panama. I think she's gonna go into a residential program at a hospital. She actually would not stop apologizing for talking about this stuff. I told her I was a little confused about the timeline of her relationship deteriorating because she interchangeably uses partner and ex. I still can't tell if she left him before or after we first fucked. I forget what I asked to prompt this, but she assured me "he doesn't know about you." Which was a relief to hear. I don't want a violent husband coming for me. I'm really glad he didn't have her location. I think it's because she was concerned he had access to her texts that she had me dm her my addy. Unrelated, but I must say that she a delight sober. Thank god she didn't have a way to get k between the airport and my apt. She liked looking at my clothes. She liked my red horsehair belt. She said I should wear it more. She almost pulled out the orange hat Carrie made me that I never wore. I was like "noooo not that one." She turned me on my back and said "ok it's time", meaning time for her to pick at all my pimples, and I started putting my underwear on. She said "don't put your underwear on." And I said "I'm starting to get cold" and she "then turn the ac off" and as i walked over to turn the ac off i said "i don't want you to look at my flat ass." she said "i understand, i'm insecure about my ass too" which is funny because she has a terrific ass. Anyways, she picked away and had a field day. My skin looked raw in the mirror after. From a mixture of the wounds she inflicted by fucking and a red pattern of dots left by her picking at my skin.
At this point it was time for us to hit the way. I turned off the light and she asked "are you going to sleep like that?" I was barely touching her. I asked her if she wanted me to curl up with her, and she said yes, so I did (uncomfortably). I turned a little but still kept my side touching her. I drifted off pretty quickly. She got up and put her clothes on, I assumed to go to the bathroom I fell asleep.
I woke up at 1:30 and she was gone. I looked at my ohone and saw a string of texts. "I’m sorry I left. I just felt really embarrassed about talking to you about all that I’m so sorry. I think I realized I’m putting more pressure on this than u can take and I dont wanna do that to u. Also I wanted to be cuddled. I’m sorry. I really am so ashamed. I still want to give you your gift. If you don’t want to see me again I can leave it in the mailbox" It was an edited text. I forgot to mention that the cd for Roley's mix said delivered on the tracking site but was nowhere to be found. That was a huge bummer. But this prompted Roley to gift me something as well, I guess, but I'm not sure what it is. She did say I could have a lot of her knick knacks though. She's gonna need to downsize. She previously said she was still down to tatt me on Saturday too. After that text she sent a photo of my couch that had a stain on the cushion. I don't know what that was about. Maybe it was from her pussy??? Idk if that's what she was implying but I ignored the photo. She then said "I think right now I don’t want to be so promiscuous and I don’t wanna keep u from that and I need to work on myself but I really like u I am confused I’m sorry " which confused the shit out of me. At least she really likes me. I like being liked, especially by someone who I like a lot. It's so lucky I woke up 10 minutes after she sent that text. I said "oh shit sorry i didn’t realize you left :/ where’d you go" "I also really like you" "im so sad" "i hope you have a good rest of ur night, ill miss you" in succession. And she "I can some back" "I’m really sad too" "I’m so sorry" again me "where’d u go?" "plsssss don’t apologize" which was kinda gay looking back on it, but I was exasperated by her apologies. I've used that word twice in this entry. "I’m walking to a hotel" "I’m so sorry u have work in the morning" and me "ok :/ good luck, if i can come over tomorrow lmk, i’d love to hang out still" "idc" then she said "Okay I’m so sorry" and I "i don’t mind at all" "i hope you’re ok" and she read it at some point, whether it was in that moment at 2am or the actual morning i can't remember. But she didn't say anything else and I fell asleep. I should have cuddled her but also, I was uncomfortable in that position. Is it really so evil? I love her though. Not actually, but I like her a lot. I have this thing where I really think I view 'romantic' partners platonically. I think I don't experience romance the same way other people do. Maybe I'm aromantic or something. As it turns out, and as I'll explain in the 250524 entry, Roley thought we were going to have something more romantic, but I just liked her platonically but was also sexually attracted to her. Extremely attracted to her, actually. But I didn't want to date her. I don't want to date anyone.
Coffee completely terrorized me at like 3am, then again around 6.
Woke up to a DM from Roley asking me if she should fully shave her bush or leave a little landing strip. I told her to leave a landing strip. I woke up really horny, truth be told, and in response she sent me hella nudes. I saved them all and hid them in my photos app. She told me not to be late to work.
I was late to work. I was so tired. I drank like 7 or 8 modelos the night before. This alcoholism thing is so prevalent to me right now. Maybe I'll try not to drink tonight. I'll try but I doubt I'll succeed. I'll try though. Desmos cancelled on making tunes, which was honestly a relief. I love the guy but he's a lot.
Got to work at 9:30am. Updating this at 10:21AM. I think it's gonna be a boring day. Truly gave Isabelle some bullshit to do. About to go collect embryos (if there are any) and clean/separate them. I'm going to try to not eat anything, but we'll see how it goes. I've felt like a fatass recently. I ate some blueberries before leaving for work though. Maybe, at most, a slice of pizza from whole foods.
Talking to Roley so much. She's convinced I need a new job. Thinking about this makes me realize I gotta make the most of how chill my job is. Get the work done, grind hard, make sure I leave a good end product, etc. All in all, I get away with a lot and shouldn't take it for granted. It's just annoying working with the undergrads sometimes. If I take a lunch break and read some thomas pynchon I can eat half a sandwich and stay later, and when I stay later, no one really bothers me while im on my laptop, so that's a plus. I told Chris to pu at 7 so I should still have more than enough time to do the minimal necesssary cleaning I want to do before people pull up.
Took a lunch break at 1pm. Walked to whole foods and got 2 slices of pepperoni pizza (for the price of one) and read Gravity's rainbow in the park for 30 minutes. Was going to get a coffee at broadsheet but the line was too long. I'm glad I didn't because when I was almost back to the lab Isabelle sent me an email saying she was confused. I'm pretty tired now. I only ate about half of the second slice of pizza. Overeating. Relapsing on my negative relationship with food. The small portion of gravity's rainbow I read made more sense than others.
Read a little supplemental material on Gravity's Rainbow, and I think I'll need to read a lot more for it to make sense.
Set up some more fish. Leaving work at 4:50pm. Feels so late. My backpack still smells like smoke from the bonfire on Saturday.
Stopped by the gas station and got two pbr tall boys. Shame. Drank the last modelo as soon as I got home. Watched the episode of the osbournes that has jason dill in it. Watched some youtube video while I waited for people to come over. Drank those two pbr tall boys. Cart n Casperr pulled up and we smoked outside. I told them about Roley like an asshole. I'm so cringe sometimes. Anyways, Apollo pulled up in his new car and we drove to the liq. Guess who I see holding hands with some random guy turning from North Harvard on to Franklin? Easy guess. They were wearing the shirt they used to let me borrow. Can't say I'm as bummed as I thought I was gonna be, but it still just feels really weird. The feeling in the pit of my stomach is strange. It's a physical reaction more than a mental once, like my therapist said. I feel like mentally it's like "oh ok. Damn but ok." But physically it feels bad. Everyone else saw too. I turned back and looked at carter. He looked like he wasn't sure if he should ignore ignore it or bring it up. Like he was trying to conceal his reaction. We were all like "yoooo wtf weird." Apollo said "when you both live in the same area." He also said something along the lines of 'when you get into a new relationship that fast it's gonna be a trash relationship.' We went to the liq and I got a 12er of those big pbrs because I knew I was gonna want to get trashed. That's alcoholism. I'm writing this the day after, on 250723 and I feel so shitty. The emotions are obviously intense but I feel awful physically. Hungover. I'm tired of this. I have hypertension at 25. When we got back to the cirb carter said something like "oh isn't that cracker mccrackerson or something arman? i see carrie's already posting him and shit." I don't know why the fuck carter thinks I would have wanted to hear that. I asked him "why would you tell me that?" And he said "I wouldn't not tell you that. He said Carrie's already posting photos of them kissing and shit. Well, I hope they're happy, I hope this guy is more romantic than I am and has more energy to continue being romantic than I did. I hope he's more similar to Carrie. Carrie's life is fucked. I hope they're happy. They must have felt emptionally detached from me for a really long time. They did, they told me that. We shouldn't have moved in together. Lesson learned. I'm smarter now, that's for sure. Extreme highs and lows, easily infatuated, sure, but I wouldn't move in with someone like Carrie again. I don't know if I'll ever move in with a partner again. I feel really close to Roley already but it almost seems like we're friends who fuck. I don't think about them romantically. I remember once Viv, who was going through some kind of romantic confusion, asked me if I think of Carrie more romantically or more platonically. I said romantically, and I forced myself to think that way, but to be honest, I also thought of Carrie as my friend who I fuck. That's the issue. I'm glad Roley doesn't give a shit. I hope Carrie has found a lover. I kinda doubt it but who knows. They made a mistake dating me for as long as they did.
I contend that this is true: I am not sad that Carrie is seeing someone else, but the thought does give me anxiety. Unexplainable. There's just a lot of emotional magnitude that I associate with them that has lessened, but still hasn't gone away. I will say, getting with Roley has made me feel better.
Anyways, Mikey came over and Eamon hung out too. We made some beats and fucked off. I was honestly completely trashed. Talked about skating a lot. Around midnight or something everyone left. I ate a little chicken + guac and crashed really quickly.
Carrie's birthday tomorrow. Can't help but feel a little weird. Oh well. I slept without a blanket so I woke up at like 4:30am. I just swiped on hinge then fell back asleep. I definitely wanted to get to work at 8, but I started drinking my coffee around 7. Took the bus so I really got there at 9. Isabelle had a lot to do today so it left me with a lot of time to get stuff done on my own.
Not only have I been spending a lot of money, but I've been overeating immensely. I ate a full karrage combo from santouka at 11:30am. Medium. Too much food in one day. I'm glad I forced myself to eat some blueberries before I left for work though. I haven't been eating enough fruit.
Roley posted something on her story about not being able to wait until she can end her sobriety when she gets back from being abroad. I listened to some of the channel 5 hunter biden interview, although I don't really care much for channel 5 in the grand scheme, and it was heavily about addiction. It made me sad. So much is sobriety-pilled around me right now for some reason. I don't like it. It's corny, but I do wish I didn't have this monkey on my back. It's 5:09pm, and do you know what I'm going to do when I get home? Drink. Not good. But hey, at least I'm not strung out on ket right. Random but this makes me feel like I should have more compassion for Gwen. A much as I hate to admit it, she probably helped Carrie because she's a nice person, not to manipulate them. I don't know that (although I know Carrie's very impressionable), but I can at least give her the benefit of the doubt and be civil.
I told Kara about how it was gonna be awkward seeing Carrie at Meera's going away party but I was going to try to be chill, and i was thinking that it might finally be time for us to stop not being cool, but she honestly kinda told me to just ignore them and be weird. I am not gonna take Kara's advice but it kinda bummed me out when she said that. There have been some instances where I think she had a warped sense of reality, so I should take her opinion with a grain of salt, but I can't say I'm hyped on what she told me. A little anxious now. I'm hyped Roley's back soon though.
Finally caught up on site. The plan for the rest of the day is to take my bike home, although unfortunately, I don't think Huey will have time to help me change the wheel today, but maybe tomorrow or wednesday. I don;t think I'll have too much time to kill before exp wants to call and finish outside world, which is gonna take all night. I'm gonna need a lot of beer, isn't that depressing. Maybe I'll cook some shawarma chicken, but I'm pretty full to be honest. That'd be a nice, lean dinner. With guacamole cuz apparently it's an aphrodesiac. Maybe I'll read a little gravity's rainbow if I can. I got some good supplemental reading materials from the subliminal jihad discord server.
Random, but this has been an extremely dry spell for the apps. I think I've already gone through almost everyone cool on hinge. I was gonna possibly met up with this one cutie, but she only responds like once a week. Whatever. I'm infatuated by Roley and she inflates my ego.
Walked my bike home and talked to Roley a lot. I asked her if she was fr trying to get sober. I think she got worried I was judging her or thought she was a crazy junky, but I was just wondering where she was at. I also would like to be sober, but I don't want to go through the hard parts, the temptation, the anxiety. I wish I could skip ahead to the part where I'm not even tempted to drink, or it's the furthest thing in the back of my head that I never think about, and it doesn't affect me socially to not drink. That part's probably all in my head. Anyways, I talked to Roley a lot while walking home and also when I got home. About 'deep' stuff I guess. The conversation turned sexual as it always does because she's a nympho and I told her I had to call J to work on music and figure shit out for this weekend. She kinda abruptly said gn. I told her that I hope she has a good rest of her night and she told me the same, then unsent the message. She's so weird. I love her. Actually, if I think about it, I should not be devoting this much time and energy into this situationship. Is it really worth it? That's the question.
I cooked the chicken I bought from trader joe's yesterday and ate a lot of it like a fatass. I ate it with guacamole. Felt like a caveman or something. I heard someone opening up the door while I was cooking and was shocked to see it was Eamon carrying an AC. I can't remember the last time I'd seen him. So strange. We chopped it up for a little and smoked a cigarette outside. Immediately after I almost shit my pants. Then, I fed coffee and hopped on facetime with J.
He spent about an hour trying to figure out settings that would stop the computer audio from ducking while someone talked on facetime. Eventually it was like 9:30 when we got started on mixing. He mixed cross stitch a little better, we butted heads a little on untitled, we finally got forever is only so long to sound crisp, and preliminarily threw together all the vocals for darkyward, many of which were in incorrect places and layered with other takes. It'll be hard to mix. Exp's gonna have a solo mixing sesh tomorrow and on Wednesday we'll go through everything together again.
I forgot to say that Roley arrives on like, wednesday night (250723). I think she's gonna come straight to my apartment from the airport. Then she wants me to sleep over at her place sometime in the coming days. She said she doesn't want to be alone in her apt. Would be so fried if her husband came home.
Hung up with exp at like 12:45 after having a long convo about the current state of our little community and lore on how we came up and made random connections, etc. I fell asleep around 1am.
Isaac and i woke up pretty early, I convinced him to go grab a coffee with me. Dev was working at Pavement. Idt he gave us a discount, but with these prices, who knows. Isaac got a sandwich, which convinced me to get a bagel. I regretted it. Too fucked up and filling. I almost shit my pants at the coffee shop and when I got home my farts could kill a cow. I told Isaac I was gonna sleep a little more and like 30 minutes later he came into my room to tell me he was gonna dip. He said he wanted to skate later, and I agreed, but low key knew I would bail.
I skated with Ryan for a second. And fr a second. I wasn't feeling it at all. Did a couple ledge tricks and dipped. I need new shows and to set up a new deck so bad. I like Ryan though, it was nice to say what's up. Almost all the obstactles were taken from Smith courts. This is a shame. I shouldn't have taken them for granted. I've ben a pile recently. Thoughts of sobriety affect me more than usual. I don't feel good. My asshole's always altered. I gotta use that mayinlong shit.
I sexted with Roley a lot this day. I sent a nut video with the sound on, she said she liked it. She told me that when we had sex she 'hadn't felt that good in so long.' What a confidence boost. She told me what she wants to do to me and what she wants done to her. She's so sexy. And she's officially getting divorced too, it's official. She said she's not gonna be able to see people though because she's gonna live in his apartment until the end of september, under 'his rules.' Anyways, I think it's cool that I played a part in destroying this marriage.
I finished choosing and downloading tracks for her mix and sent them to exp. He burned them and is gonna send out the cd via mail tm.
The Tracklist:
Got my day started quite late. Went into work really quickly at like 1. Actually, I walked to buried reasures in UA to get Isaac a hacky sack for his birthday, then 2 66 busses passed me in a row. I think I waited a solid 20 minutes for the next one, but in the meantime I thought of songs to put on Roley's mix, starting with No More Sorry by MBV.
There was not much time after I got back from work for chilling. I cooked some pasta, then Nick and I drove to swampscott at like 5:30. We stopped in a liquor store that smelled like feces called 'land of liquor.' I think it was technically in Revere.
We got to the beach around 6:45. Phillips Beach in Swampscott. A real classic New England beach with coarse sand. The water was a lot saltier and there was more algae in it than at Nahant Beach. I was ecstatic to jump in the water. Salty beach water is, like, baptismal to me. I was overjoyed. It was cold but I didn't want to get out. Obviously, after a while the novelty wears off, and I only jumped back in to pee. There was a moment where Isaac wanted us to throw him in the water. Meera and Nick were kinda butting heads a little. I think Nick just had poor choice of words in interacting with her, cuz he's not fake! When it was just Nick, Emily, Meera, and I, I recieved a call from an unknown number. I said hello and a couple standing a few feet away said "oh!" and turned around to greet us. It was Isaac's coworker Cole and his gf, whose name I forget, but I think it was Carina. We chopped it up with them for a while and they were dope. Cole and Carina are both super into Jiu Jitsu and fighting. Cole's blind in one eye, but it's not from fighting, he was born that way. I liked those two, they were hella tatted. Liam, Huey, Sam, and Isaac all showed up.
There was a really big pizza from some North Shore shop, but the sauce was sweet. This didn't stop me form eating hella slices though. I've been overeating immensely lately. Eventually the sun went down and the bonfire was set up. I talked to Isaac's Needham homie Anna for a while. She was cute and interesting but kinda normie. She said she really likes video games, so I couldn't relate to her too much. We talked about school and work and all that classic bullshit. Eventually, Nick and Isaac and I headed out. We drove home listening to the classics. I drank beers and smoked cigarettes in Nick's car too. That Charlie Kino song by the bloodhound gang, some postal service, that old clipse song with tyler the creator, or maybe it was just pusha T. Nick's homies were actually visiting and staying with us so we waited on the stoop for them to pull up. This dude David (Dilbert) Hernandez and his gf named KT. Apparently KT is from MA. They were chillers. Cutty and interesting. Nick was bouta get them all set up in Eamon's room and there was a big bootle of lube and a cum-stained t-shirt on his bed, no sheets. So random, so strange. I can't hold it against him though. It's actually been a little weird how Eamon hasn't been home in like, over a week. Stressful, even. I just don't want him to be bummed or want out of the lease.
Anyways, we all walked to the sil. I was kinda nervous I'd see Carrie there even though I'm in a better mental space now. Fortunately, they weren't there, but unfortunately, no other homies were. After a couple drinks and some games of pinball they were bouta close, so we walked to the model. David found a fucking $100 bill on the ground outside the sil. I was just talking to Roley about how I never find money on the ground. Such a come up for him. Pain. I thoguht David and KT were coming with to the model but they turned to walk home right before we arrived. Isaac, Nick, and I walked in and pretty much immediately walked out. Isaac called Arthur, who was just leaving the draft, and was bummed on me for trying to tell him what to tell arthur, which was understandable. We kinda just chopped it up with bro, tripp, and some other homie whose name I forgot for like 20 minutes before walking home. Isaac slept over. We watched an ep of workaholics before knocking at like 2:30.
Again, I'm updating this retroactively (at 3:36pm on 250721 today) and I think I remember jerking off this morning. I thought about Roley. I think I jerked off earlier in the week as well. No porn, which is good, just imagination.
I woke up at like 9:15, already a quarter of an hour into the weekly collaborator lab meeting. Got a lot of food from dunks. I think 3 wake up wraps or something like that. Got to work ridiculously late because 1) the meeting went late, 2) i had to troop to central without a bike (I ended up biting the bullet and taking a blue bike), and 3) i had to stop by cambridge bicycle to get my lock ring put back on. I did all that and the bike mechanic told me I would probably need a new wheel soon. Very annoying, but I thought I wouldn't need a new one for a while.
I think I talked to Roley more on this day than any other day. I left work really early to go drink in the park and read gravity's rainbow. I was again, very distracted by talking to her throughout the day. While I was biking from the liq to the park, I tried to skid and my lock ring fell off again. Pain. I spent $20 for them to put it back on cuz I just didn't have the time to worry about it, but it stayed on for about 15 minutes of riding. Fortunately I was already right at the park. Actually, I think I wasn't going to drink then got bummed about my bike and walked to the store and got beer.
Gravity's rainbow's a real tough read. I eventually got bored and walked to zoe's for dinner. I have been spending a ridiculous amount of money recently. I got the spicy duck and a small side of rice. The duck was incredible. There's a vegetable that comes with it that I'm not super huge on, and I wish it were a more leafy vegetable, but it was a good meal. It was pretty expensive. Like $30 in total I think.
I stayed in the park a little longer, until the sun started to go down. I walked my bike back to the lab and left it there. Caught the bus home. Later at night I drank a little, then hit up Mikey to hang out, which meant fingerboarding his setup, listening to records he was putting me on to, and watching an episode of futurama. I wasn't enthusiastic about staying super long, but it was fun. I get along with Mikey really well these days. I think I'm gonna remember how bummed he was when I told him I'm moving for a really long time. We talked about My Bloody Valentine for a while and I put him on to how good 'no more sorry' is. It gave me the idea to make a mix for Roley. Asked Mikey if he could burn a cd for me but he didn't have the stuff.
Nobody else was around cuz Maydoney and Drew were at Tim's wedding. Can't lie, was bummed that I wasn't invited, but it's ok.
I can't remember when I got home, but I'm pretty sure I was really tired and went to sleep early. Either that or I finished nymphomaniac volume 2 or something. Actually, I think I started watching antichrist before hanging out with Mikey and it was kinda a bummer so I didn't continue watching it when I got home.
On this day we finally announced the outside world release show. What a relief. It's official. It was a regular day at work. After work, I read gravity's rainbow in perry park while drinking some beer. Admittedly, I was distracted by texting Roley a lot. One thing she said that really stood out was, "It's nice u take time to make me feel good im used to being a vessel." I'm really happy to hear that. I hope it's true.
It was really, really hot on this day. I biked home and wanted to shower, but was convinced I didn't have time before Odiase's birthday dinner. I showed up to Noah's kitchen at 7. From the groupchat I derived that the original reservation was at 8, and it was moved to 7, but the opposite was true. I just walked to the liquor store and got two tall boys. I chilled in the park near Carrie's first brookline apartment and drank while texting Roley. She kept sending me nudes and telling me how horny she was. She definitely said something about 'sorry is this no fun becuase you're in public?' but it was fun. She turns me on, or more generally, excites me a lot. I like her. She went to sleep shortly before I walked back to the restaurant.
I first ran into Will and Emily, who were holding hands. I guess they're really dating like that. Then, I met Meera, George, Odiase, Rania, and others outside the restaurant. Kwame was like 5 minutes late but it didn't matter because the restaurant made us wait 10 minutes anyways. I told Meera I'm hyped for her party, but also said it'd be awkward cuz it'll be my first time seeing Carrie in a while. Before I could even finish my sentence she cut me off, which she honestly does all the time, and said "I was worrying about that." I struggled to not roll my eyes while replying "Don't worry about it. That's for me to worry about, not you."
The food was good. Wasn't Zoe's though. I got spicy chicken fried rice. Split some vegetables with the whole table. The vegetables were the star of the show. Talked to Kwame for a majority of the dinner, and George as well. I like Kawme but I never get to talk to him. We briefly talked about ET cuz kwame filmed a snippet for him.
When we left the restaurant (the bill was like $38 per person), everyone wanted to walk to JP licks because they exist in baby world. I drank one of my stella tall boys like a drunk buffoon. When we got to JP licks I went straight for the bathroom and intended to take a shit but was slightly scared, so I just pissed, said by to everyone, and left. Biking home was nice. Nick wanted to go to Karaoke at the middle east.
OH. Something I wasn't necessarily excited for, but rather looking forward to, was having Nick's comfort at Meera's going-away party on 250726, since his ex-situationship Maia would be there. I already brought this up to Nick. I asked Meera if he was straight to pull up, and to my slight surprise she said no. She said she didn't like how he called her a bum and that she just wants to be careful which men she's friends with, and that she feels the same way about huey. Sometimes huey can be annoying and what nick said may have been a poor choice, but this is just fucking retarded. I hate when Meera gets so into identity politics like this. The thing about being careful about which men she's friends with is really dumb and reductive, I think. But whatever.
Nick wanted to go to karaoke with olivia, and i agreed to come along. When I got home from brookline I drank a little more, then Nick and I hopped on our bikes and jetted to central. After hitting one of the best skids of my life across the street from the central square life alive, my lock ring came loose, completely handicapping my biking ability. I walked my bike to the middle east and locked it. I was annoyed, but figured it'd hopefully be a quick fix.
Karaoke was quite empty. Obviously Nick was kicking it with Olivia and she didn't bring any friends. I shouldn't have gone. There was this girl who was built like a chicken nugget that I was tryna rizz but I didn't even get a word in with her. She was talking about autism with this neckbeard short and fat bouncer who was working there. I was so tired and so drunk. I shouldn't have gone. We blue biked home. I did float on by modest mouse and messed it up. It took forever for me to go on because I fucked up and forgot to hand the guy my card. He called me "almond." I couldn't stop thinking about how much money i'd spent. I left my bike in central overnight.
This might have been one of the most vague days. Wing Wednesday though. Charles finally finished the flyer. Everyone's really excited. I also picked up Gravity's Rainbow from the harvard book store. $25 are you fucking kidding me. Still, I just wanted it in the moment and didn't want to wait. I want to finish it before I leave San Diego, which will be a tall ordeal.
I talk to Roley a lot.
I'm pretty sure that on this day I recorded on an open trentpotions sent me. I'm hyped on the iudea but it needs work. I probably just drank and fell asleep.
Regular work day as far as I can remember. I think I did a lot of screening and fucked off. I probably left earlier than should have been allowed. I recirded when I got home. I recorded 'frolic' which is probably the last demo for the dipshit hipstar tape. I'm glad it's coming together. That was pretty much it I think. Charles sent the sketch for the outside world release show flyer. Finishing soon.
I am sorry (not sure to who, no one will read this) that this day lacks so much detail. I'm sorry to myself.
Roley sent me some nudes while I was at work. That's the first thing I remember about this day. I said something like "i can't wait to fuck you when you get back" and she left me on read, but then eventually said "but i wan't right now." She unsent it though. I remember her flight was this day, but I didn't know at what time. Maybe I could have left work for a little and gone to her place and fucked her, but it was also really hot out and I woulda been all gross anyways.
Looking at photos. Maybe this will help me remember what happened this day.
The most important thing is that I stopped from TJs on the way home and got ingredients to make my pancetta and banana pepper pizza. I made it and it was good.
I facetimed with exp and cart for mad long mixing outside world songs. A lot of songs are officially done and I'm hyped.
Definitely drank, and definitely went to sleep later than I should have. Whatever.
Tonight was the night I recorded my song "she's so cutty" about roley. I sent it to exp and he said he liked it. the lyrics are gnarly. in the description I wrote "the lyrics of this song are not meant to glamorize destructive behavior. the ‘dipshit hipstar’ is a character. he tells his own phagestory."
Woke up really late. I fucked off for most of the day, which I needed. Cleaned the apartment, which was good, and got cat litter and food. Started watching the house that jack built.
There was a moment where I fell asleep on the couch in the afternoon. Very briefly. Good reset day. Around 6 I biked to the brookline arts center to check out this new exhibit. Finally saw cam irl and she told me they're gonna try to figure out a date for the art show after they find a new person to fill the role of the person who left or find a way to split all the duties. The exhibit was tiny but there were some nice 'spirit bird' sculptures and a cool photo of a horseshoe crab on an illuminated background so you could see through it a little.
Biked to 02's place to hang out with them and 03. Lore drop right off the bat: Jame slipped up and pulled up to gwen's place super drunk to hang out with her. Apparently they shared a revelation with her that she doesn't care about them and never asks them questions or how they're doing (relatable). I guess Gwen got super defensive (also relatable). Carrie got home and told jame to get the fuck out, but they could barely walk cuz they were so drunk. Classic. I think 02 takes some kinda anti-depressant that makes them really sensitive to alcohol or something. Anyways, they kicked jame out and they couldn't walk down the stairs, and gwen + carrie refused to help, which puzzled and really bummed out jame, but I understand. They called Judge and he + Jame's mom pulled up and brought them to the ER cuz they bruised themselves up by falling down the stairs. I don't have a whole lot of empathy, but now that I'm broken up with Carrie and don't need to deal with any of this, I could fucking care less. I want jame to get better but I don't need to deal with it. I'm proud of them for getting back off the wagon, again, and I hopen they stay away from Gwen. It's always Gwen. Jame prefaced this story with "Oh my god, I can't even tell you."
A random thought but I'm so glad I don't essentially share a room with someone 24/7 like I did with Carrie. It's so good to be able to do what I want, watch what I want, read what I want, without feeling like I'm always under a microscope. Just makes me anxious. At first when we broke up I was pretty sad to be alone but now I find it relieving.
This is bad. I am updating this on Sunday 250720 at 1:18pm. I have slacked so hard on updating this and I have no excuse. I will try to bang it out.
Anyways I started a beat with 2 sections with 02 and 03 using a cg mel. 02's brother came in at one point to hang out. Nice guy. I hope if he's at the outside world show jame will be chill. And if 03's there maybe that'll help too. I hate that I haven't updated this in a week. I'm so mad. Anyways 03 and I left. We said we should link up more, maybe at their place. Also we played the skate 4 playtest. It sucked but it was ok. Nothing will ever beat skate 3.
I was really close to hitting up roley and saying that I was around the corner from their place. I decided not to though. Went home and fell asleep quickly, I think.
Actually, looking back, I finished the house that jack built. The ending completely redeemed the whole movie. It was incredible and extremely unexpected. I watched nymphomaniac volume 1 right after. I liked it. It was a lot less gnarly than I thought it was gonna be. It was still pretty wack, but not that bad.
I am finally updating this at 9:42AM on 250716. Sheesh. Maybe my intoxication over Roley is distracting me.
I'm pretty sure I woke up late. Isaac wanted to skate JP park and I told him I'd get there at 3, but I really got there at 4. I went to work by bus then took the red line with the intention of transferring at dtx to the orange line and taking that to stony brook. There were shuttle busses for the red line after central that were slow as fuck, but eventually I got to haymarket and took the orange line to stony brook. Read some more of by night in chile on the bus/train. Really started enjoying the Maria Canales section.
Got to JP park and barely skated the bowl. Just skated a little flat. Everyone already wanted to hit stony brook DIY behind the train station. Pat and Huey were there, to my surprise a little. I told Pat, Huey, and Isaac about the night before and they weren't hyped. Pat said he recognized Roley at the sil because he matched with her on hinge a while ago but she looked completely gone last night. I'm not trying to glamorize Roley's lifestyle or say that what she does is cool, but shje is so outside of everything I know: married, addicted to ketamine, self-harming, tattoo-artist, that it's impossible not to find her alluring. Huey said in a really serious tone that "it sounds like she has a serious drug addiction."
Skated stony brook diy and got sweaty as a dog. It was really hot out. Pat went to get some kinda bev from the store, and when he returned he exclaimed "holy shit you're that sweaty already?" I'm a sweaty guy, what can I say. I landed all my tricks. Skated the ledge very briefly, I mean it's so small it's not super fun.
A nice flat sesh, just wanted to exercise my chops. Everyone dipped a little after 5 and I was gonna take a ride back with huey but instead decided to go get some late lunch from this place called Flame's. It's a caribbean restaurant. Apparently the one in Dorchester is better than the one on Huntington, but this didn't really work with my schedule. I took the orange line from stony brook to roxbury crossing, then walked to huntington.
Gloria walked into the restaurant right after me. I like her. She's nice. Moreso Isaac's homie but I accept her jive. I think she and her homie Paula, who Nick slightly offended when he made his joke about Latinas in front of her, know Roley. Convo was whatever. She said she works at the harvard art museum so I'm surprised I never see her. She lives in Allston but she was visiting a homie. She said she didn't want to be around her roommates today. She said she's been watching Rami. I said I feel mixed feelings about it. Anyways she got her food and left. Or rather I did first. I almost left my board at the counter before she reminded me to grab it. I got the curried goat with brown rice and cabbage. I got a modelo tall boy from the liquor store nextdoor and sat in front of some beth israel building to eat. It was really good. Not spicy but I could feel it in my stomach.
I don't know why but I'm thinking about what I'll do when I take several parts from this and put it in a zine. I imagine wanting to write out how I wrote down everything I did for a year. It's funny, I had been trying to remind myself to take more photos, but the habit never really stuck. Sometimes if I go days without writing, I need to look back at my photos to remember what I did on xyz day. The lack of photos when I need to turn back time gave me much greater incentive than anything else has before to take more photos. Goal succeeded. I imagine I'll write that a landmark moment in this year, that arguably set quite a tone, was the end of an almost 3 year-long relationship. I can write that it was hard, but overall good, and needed. I knew we had to break up, but endlessly convinced myself that we could stay together, mostly because I was reallya afraid of us breaking up while living together. The day before we broke up I confessed to our roommate that this relationship sucked and that we should break up, but the day after I walked around the city on my lunch break and mulled over the situation. I decided we should stay together, which was irrational, but a more comforting idea than the shitstorm of breaking up while living together (my greatest fear). Anyways, I'm glad one of us had the guts to end it. I was able to keep the apartment and the pet cat, which were both pretty important to me. That's an understatement: both were extremely important to me. Maybe the unfolded situation would still have been the case if I did the breaking up, but I'd say the chance would be a lot less likely. I've been the instigator of a breakup before and it's a lot better to do the breaking up than be on the recieving end, but this is something that I do not regret letting happen to me. Everything's a lot more clear 6 months later. I'm finally starting to feel less dread and anxiety whenever I think really deeply about it and reflect vividly on the relationship. My life is better now, whether it always feels that way or not, and this was inevitable. The relationship ran its course and probably should have ended sooner. I don't regret the relationship but I'm glad it's over.
Anyways I took the bus home. The 66, from Huntington. It came really shortly after I started waiting for it. There was a guy on the buds who looked exactly like fern. It was a little jarring. I probably stared a little. Overheard that he and his friends were going to pissmas. I got home and finished reading By Night in Chile and ate a little more curried goat.
Apollo asked if he and Poetry could come over. I was waiting for Isaac to pull up so we could bike to somerville for Charles' party. I didn't realize how late it was and that apollo and poetry could probably only hang out for like 45 minutes before Isaac and I left. Isaac and I left at like 9:30. It was a nice bike ride.
Charles' party was really fun, tbh. I got pretty sloshed. I think I drank like 1 or 2 high liges at home, then I got a 6 pack more + another modelo tall boy from the wine and cheese cask. Huey saw that and was shocked, asking me if I was really gonna drink all that. I said yes. And he: "why?" and I: "I'm tryna get turnt." He said he noticed like a year ago that I drink a lot and he asked if I'm doing ok. I guess I am because I don't see many consequences to my drinking (usually), so I said that I'm fine. Will, Pat, Odiase, Rania, Meera, George, and Lexy were all there. Lily's gay friends asked me if I'm a freak and ragged on me. It was funny. Oh, Maisie was there. She's the best, it was good to see her again. She told George and I that her boyfriend wanted to open up their relationship. I mentioned how Roley's married and George said "wow you fw so many poly bitches" Which is really true, I'm not gonna lie. There was this really drunk girl there who gave me her friend's vape and I stole it. She asked Pat if he was a trump supporter and then she asked him if she's attractive. He said something like "yeah, you're attractive" in a tone she didn't want to hear. The morning after, everyone complained about her in the groupchat. Pat, Huey, Isaac, and I biked to prospect hill. I thought the drunk girl, I guess her name was Lilly and she works at the new store bohdega (which, by the way, is so fucking ridiculous and disrespectful to the old Bodega), was just a little obnoxious, but apparently she really turned it up to 11 after I already left. We chilled on prospect hill for a little, smoking, talking shit, recounting the night, talking about Pat's junked relatives, union jobs like sprinkler installation and elevator repair. They all wanted me to follow them deeper into caberville but I took my usual route home. Got home and fell asleep around 2:30am probably.
Well, it was another whirlwind weekend. I am updating this at 8:44am on 250714. Not ideal. I had time yesterday to update the site, for sure, but I bummed it. I was really tired and got active in the evening, as I'll describe. Isabelle should be coming in any second now, again, not ideal, but life is good. I just hope I remember enough details from this day.
I woke up quite late. A few times, actually. There was a lab meeting, so I took it from home. I don't exactly remember how I spent my time during the lab meeting, but I don't remember it being very productive. I think I watched some skate videos or something. My memory is so bad, this is why I write everything down. Isabelle kept emailing me asking questions. I got to the lab at like 11:30 and, by then, she had left. I't s ok
I remember I dm'd roley a selfie I took. I think I looked good in the lab's well-lit setting. Around 3:30pm I went to the park to drink a modelo tall boy and read By Night in Chile. Simple as that. Eventually I biked home, it was extremely hot and humid, and did laundry. It was my sheets. On the chance that Roley came over I wanted them to be clean. I was so sweaty, tired, and drowsy. I went to Carter's at 7 to make music with apollo, casper, and donttakeforever. Made 1 beat with apollo, and he made one beat with cart and casper. They were good. We spent a long time hanging out outside. Got pretty drunk.
Casper made a remark about hopping on unreliable narrator off outside world. We kinda just brushed it off as the song being long enough and skipped past the topic. He's always trying to fit himself in and doesn't know how to lay off.
Roley told me to come get her from the sil. She was being kinda cryptic. I said it worked out because my friends were trying to get me to come to the sil, then said she'd just go home if I wanted to hang out with my friends, then I told her I'd rather hang out with her and I'd be there in 10. Jetted to the sil and that guy with the curly hair let me in ahead of the line. Probably a bad look that I'd walk back out a second later, but whatever. Isaac, his cousin, Pat, Huey, and Sam were all inside, but about to walk out. They were biking to state park to play pool. Roley DM'd me (I can't understand why she prefers dms over texts) that she was in the park, so I trekked there. I got there and she told me to find her. I started walking up the grass hill when I heard her voice say "you can stop walking now" and she appeared, albeit construed by the trees that occupied Ringer Park, out of the playground (how fitting), and down the stairs, where I met her.
I can't remember if she hugged or kissed me, but she took me to find a place to sit. She took me outside the park, and when I asked why, and she said there were people in the park, which was true, but I didn't understand why this would bother her. She told me she found a phone. It was pretty ridiculous, with a fruity & sanrio-stickered case, a tether, and one of those circular appendages that pops out in the back-center. I don't know what they're for, to be honest. For a phone that seemes designed to not be lost, this was interesting.
Right outside the park, outside the entrace in-between the baseball field and basketball court, she clumsily laid out her phone, racked some ketamine using her university ID and a bank card that I would later find out displays the chicago skyline. She used a bill, I think maybe $10, to snort the line. She immediately dissociated and started being unable to walk. She just kept saying "whoah" and turning in my direction in a jolted way, saying "hi." This would repeat several times throughout the night. She offered me some and I said no. She started making out with me. It felt so good to grip her slutty, emaciated waist. I could briefly taste the ketamine that had dripped down her nose and onto her lip. It was interesting to find out what it tasted like. Corrosively acidic, I guess, is the word I would use.
I almost wish I had a voice recording from this entire night. It was such a strange and magnificent event that I regret being so drunk for. Not really, but I at least wish I wrote about it right after it happened.
After railing her ket she asked me if I wanted to fuck her right there, surrounded by houses and streetlights. Several cars passing by. Leaning against a house's retaining wall. She started to really lose her balance, so I picked her up and perched her on the rock wall. She lied back and dissociated for several minutes, often sitting up, asking 'what's going on,' hurriedly saying 'hi,' or making a clicking sound, akin to an autistic tick. I thought I heard her say "you're not that interesting" under her breath as I held her, and when I asked her what she said she said nothing. I asked if she said I'm not interesting and she said she didn't say that. At one point she said we're on different wavelengths. I tried to figure out what we should do. I was fine and enjoying the quiet and the nice weather but I was slightly nervous about what would come next. Also she was worried she lost some money but she had hundreds in her wallet. Maybe from her tattoo earlier.
The phone she found started getting a call and she put it on speaker so I could coordinate with the guy on the other line. His girl was drunk and left her phone in the park apparently. He agreed to meet us over by the entrance of ringer. At this point I decided it was probably fine to take Roley to my place. I thought she lived nearby but she actually lives near cleveland circle. If she was super out of it I wasn't gonna fuck her but I obviously couldn't just leave her outside in her state. We walked over and waited for this fool. Actually I left my bag outside the park and asked Roley to watch my bike as I ran back for it. Fortunately it was still there. She was about to try riding my bike but I'm glad she didn't. The guy called again to clarify where we were. He was at the other side but eventually made it through the park. He was an old fat new england guy. He handed me $30 in exchange for the phone. When he walked away Roley grabbed it out of my hands and exclaimed how it was her money because she found the phone. Can't argue with that, although I was instrumental to getting it back.
We walked back to my place. I barely remember it. She wore her stupid vibram toe shoes again. I'm just kidding, I like them. They're funny. Some tight-fitting camo shorts and some classic rock-type-graphic tank. Girls like this truly are a dime a dozen in bushwick, and sometimes you get lucky enough to catch one that's migrated to boston. Details get fuzzy but when I got home I showered immediately. I told her no one was home, and I don't know if she remembered or forgot, but either way, as I was getting out of the shower, I could hear her rattling the door knob saying "that was not a short shower. I thought if you were showering, I could shower too." I walked into the room and she was only wearing her shirt, nothing else, which is funny because although no one was home, I'm not so sure she remembered that. She's used to living alone ("alone"). She took out some more K, racked it, and snorted it. She kept writhing all over the ground and gridning on me. I was so not down to fuck her. Basically for the next hour we kept going in circles about how I didn't think she wanted to fuck me, but then she'd perch herself face-down ass-up asking for it, which wasn't really getting me all hot and bothered. Eventually I asked her if she'd lie down and we could fuck tomorrow morning. She did and I covered her with a blanket and turned off the light. She started murmuring something about organisms so I asked her about whether we're a part of the world or w're on top of it, all that biome shit I've been mulling over, etc. She argues we're a part of the world, and I told her I lean towards that interpretation, and I keep having this vision of people coming out of the ground all covered in blood and guts because the world is an egg/embryo. She shot up and hovered over me and said "yes, yes yes." She asked me to turn on the light, but immediately after said she's sleepy. We started talking more and it was becoming clear she was sobering out. The most jarring moment from this clarity, the most important part of the conversation, was when she let it slip that she's married. I knew she had a partner, I knew she lived rent-free with him, but I did not know they were married. I'm not gonna lie I was a little turned on. I can't even remember what else we talked about but I like her when she's not completely dissociated off ketamine. At one point she said, "I should go home but I wanna have sex first," then she pulled my boxers off and started sucking me off. I turned her on her back after I'd had enough and put my dick inside her. She said it was ok for me to fuck her raw, she had an IUD. I told her she was going to make me cum too fast, so I got up, wrapped a towel around myself, stepped outside to grab a condom from my bag. When I got back I got straight to it. I liked seeing the dried ketamine on her lip and tasting it when I bent forward to tongue her, as she did me.
I still came relatively fast (for me), and started eating her out shortly after. She loved it. She came faster than the first time. She called me a good boy as I grabbed her sides, touched her nipples, and stroked her legs with my tongue on her clit. She grabbed my hair and pulled me closer to her, applying more pressure. After she came, she shot up and kissed me. I asked her if she liked tasting her pussy on my tongue and she said yes. We kept fucking. I love the way her eyes roll back so much. I love her emaciated stomach, wide hips, and the sores from burns all over her upper thighs. She needed a break after a while, obviously, as did I to be honest, since we'd been fucking for hours. It's funny, I think my wrists were just starting to feel uncomfotable from holding myself up above her for so long. She kept telling me she liked me, and actually said she loved me. More than once. This kinda threw me. I obviously didn't say it back, but I just said 'thank you.' She said we could be polyamorous together. I don't remember what I said. She kept doing ketamine, which shocked me. She kept writhing around while the k was racked on top of her phone screen on the bed. I kept moving her phone. I asked her if she could use her cards to put it back in the bag but I don't think she knew what I was talking about. She just kept doing more and more. At one point she said some kinda cassie-ism about happiness or messing things up or asked me if I was happy, and I felt the urge to share my feelings. I told her "it's hard not to be sad sometimes, but my life is pretty good." She asked me why I got sad and I told her it's because I had a breakup 6 months ago. She wated to see photos, which I was obviously not going to share. I reassured her I didn't actually want to talk about it but I just brought it up because it came up. She also definitely would recognize Carrie, I think.
Earlier in the night she actually told me it was a weird night because her friends abandoned her at the sil. As we walked by Carrie's buidling she said her friend "marge," who she was with earlier, lived there. Confusing. I think Noor also lives in one of those two twin buildings. Alt bitch central, I guess. I only reembered this now as I type. I think later while were just lying around post-fuck, she said something about Jame saying she raped them, or maybe that was the first link, I can't remember, but that stood out. She told me, once again, she'd sleep over once I got a better mattress.
An even longer while had passed and it was approaching 4am. We fucked again, this time raw, and I came almost instantly. I think I could overhear her commanding me to breed her under her breath. The sex with her is so good. Her twitching and writhing turns me on to no end. Maybe I do love her. Just kidding. I don't want her to be as high next time though. She continued doing K and the same scenario where she almost knocked it off her phone and all over the bed kept happening. She finished the whole bag, I couldn't believe it. That was more K than I'd seen anyone do in my life. Like 1/6 of a bag. She was sober at one point but now she was completely off her tits. I was worried if I called a lyft for her she wouldn't make it out of the car.
I chilled in the living room with her for a second and she kept locking herself out of her phone by forgetting her passcode, so I bought her a lyft. I walked her out, hugged and kissed her, and sent her on her way. Cracked open a high life and chilled out. Part of me was relieved she left. It was a little much. But it's ok.
The lyft driver messaged saying she forgot something, so I hit her up, but she said she didn't. I asked the driver what she left, and told him I wasn't the passenger, and he said it "was nothing," and that he "just wanted to hear a little voice" like a creep. I reported him. Anyways Roley was fine I guess, lol. I went to sleep shortly after. I guess around 5am.
Updating at 1:50pm on 250711. This day was quite boring. Went to work and grinded throughout the day. I spent a lot of time writing in detail about hanging out with Roley yesterday.
I had therapy and these were the takeaways:
Woke up early. Feeling ok. It was raining so I took the bus to work. The coffee tasted good.
Roley triple texted me. The first text being a response to my last text from last night, the second being a selfie she took, I presume right after getting out of the shower, and the third asking when I'm free tonight. The selfie had her tits in pretty clear view, with the corner of her nipple visible. It made me feel some type of way. I responded 'cute' like a retard. She responded to my response with 'hot. sexy.' I should now know that I don't need to tread lightly with her. She's a figure model, after all. We're hanging out around 8 or 9. It's a wednesday so obviously the sil. The model isn't an option.
Left work and took the bus to lulu's. Apparently one of the cooks had to leave cuz she was late for her next job, but the bus was super delayed so the person taking over after was late. The bus actually was super delayed, the 66 at least. I waited so long for the bus after getting out and I was starving. Anyways, bill hooked it up with a free high life. When the wings finally came, he hooked it up with 18. They fucking rule at Lulu's but I can't eat 18 wings! And supposedly it's against the rules to take em home. I felt like it'd be so disrespectful if I didn't eat them all, but I had my date with Roley later and didn't wanna be a total lard ass. I read Ed Fisher's newer neocities movie reviews. He wrote a really nice half-year in review piece that I enjoyed. I ended up also reading everything on my site since my last day in Seattle. Nice to reflect. I do so much, even when it feels like I don't. They let me take the last six wings home and I walked. Took some daytime flicks of the tags Jera, Isaac, and I threw up around LA. The ones on the green wall got buffed so quick.
Got home feeling so full. Stomach felt slightly weird. Threw a load in the laundry, cracked a gansett. Tuned in to the subliminal jihad call-in briefly. It was before the calling-in had actually started, but whatever. Fell asleep on the couch for a little and woke up at like 7. Roley texted that she was finishing her tattoo at around 7:20. We decided sil at 9. I basically just got ready.
I felt pretty tired and out of it. I felt some gerd too. My stomach felt weird. I blamed it on dehydration, so I chugged some water. Actually, when I was just about ready to go, I went to brush my teeth and it made me gag so much I threw up. It was all water, fortunately. Still, not ideal. Roley was being pretty slow to respond, and at around 8:45 I stepped out to smoke a cigarette and just walk around. It was nice out and I was tired of sitting around.
It started raining a little so I figured I'd jet to the sil and maybe drink a beer or two while waiting for Roley. I walk inside and a bouncer I don't really know like that was working, so I showed my ID. I started scanning around and heard "hey!" Turned to see a raised hand and a bald head with a wide smile greeting me. Max was sitting right next to the entry with some buddy (I presume). I look to him and dap him up + say hey. Carrie was right behind him in the next booth. They must have heard me because they turned around and kinda nodded then turned back. Gwen was sitting next to them. Carrie looked so different. Gween turned around and gave me a kinda puzzled stare for a second, then turned around. They were with two moderately fit guys who looked basic as shit. One kinda looked at me awkwardly and nodded a little while smiling. He was wearing a stupid hat. I turned to leave, then turned back and told max "Im gonna head out" while pointing towards the door and starting to inch away. He said "Wonder why!" in a nice way, it wasn't mean, and I stepped out. Such a nice guy, we should hang out more.
I stepped outside the sil and ducked into the doorway of the nextdoor abandoned business to avoid the rain. Roley etxted me saying 'let's to the model.' I'd never been so relieved in my life. All in all, I was definitely more shook than bummed in that moment. I was an immediate nervous wreck. All I wanted to focus on was how I was about to go on a date with someone who seemed so cool and cutty, but I didn't know how it would go, yet.
Roley said she wasa at the model, so I started walking from the sil. I walked so fast, I might have broken a sweat. When I walked in and said hi I was visibly shaking. She was sitting at the weird granite countertop that overlooks the whole left side of the bar. She kinda just scooted over and said hi, no hug. It wasn't a super ideal seating arrangement, but it worked. I was so shook, I went to grab a high life pretty quickly and my hand shook as I pulled out a $10 bill. I walked back and started chopping it up with Roley.
The conversation didn't flow incredibly, I can't lie that it did. She did a pretty good job keeping it going as much as I did. She asked me about my job and I told her I hate talking about my job off rip when it's my first time meeting someone. She told me about her day, which involved her internship with developmentally disabled people, and there I was asking her about her job, so I told her about mine. It was fine. We talked a lot about all the same people we know, mostly tattoo artists. I told her the story of Jera wanting me to ask her if it's a good or bad thing she knew jame. She said she has a weird relationship with them. That's all, I didn't pry. I asked about Ismahel and she was super hyped to hear he was staying with me. She said she was mad he didn't follow her back at first because she had more followers, but admited it was petty. I told her about my date with plasmapokes. She asked what they look like and I said shorter than I thought they would. I showed her my Mo tatt and she said she'd seen it before. She has a Mo tatt. I think she got it in NY. Was so hard not to spill the beans that Nick's my roommate. She just said "I remember she dated someone in boston!"
I might have forgotten to mention this but on Saturday (I think, maybe sunday), I told Nick to check out this 'new tuzz im talking to' and he said 'what's tuzz? trans huzz?' and I said no, tattoo huzz. I showed him Roley's profile and he said 'oh im talking to her already.' And we had out classic 'may the best man win' type situation, but he was like 'I gave you sophia! I gave you the pokemon girl.' But i said 'I dubbed the pokemon girl!!' and I said 'you're moving to new york! i want to date her!' And that was that. I definitely did not tell Nick I was hanging out with her. I checked his location last night and he fled to Canada, anyways.
Also one of the first things I asked Roley when she pulled up was what she was drinking. She said it was a ginger beer, because she did ketamine earlier and didn't want to drink too much, but they actually gave her an alcoholic one (based on the $8 price she deduced that). She asked me if I wanted a sip and I took one. It was alcoholic. So those are the kinda of drugs she's into. Idk maybe she's not into harder stuff, maybe she is. Ayways, she was off the ket. At least earlier. She seemed a little dissociated.
She was actually drawing when I pulled up. I asked if she was drawing flash and she said she was drawing 'shame.' I asked her to elaborate and she said she was feeling 'shame.' I asked if it was because she slept through her alarm, and she said maybe, and that things pile up. She kinda says things only an emo high schooler or an acid head would say. Like Cassie from Skins.
Chopped it up more. She's from chicago, she loves travelling, I'm from boston, I've been travelling way more and want to even more, all the random graffiti connections I have allowing me to do shows, talking about how she doesn't go out and doesn't know too many people. I told her I like her flash a lot, especially those birds on a wire. Anyways I asked if we could go to my place and she said yeah.
Walking back I told her the story of the dude who tried to get up with Jera, Isaac, and I who was being mad weird. I also told her about how he's totally undocumented and he's a cutty individual. She said life is hard and she worries she could end up in that position. I asked how her fourth of july weekend was and she said she got in an argument with her partner. That's when I asked if she was poly and she said yes. She also asked "Can I ask you something bluntly?" And I: "Yeah, sure." And Roley: "Do you think you're autistic?" Lol I didn't know what to say but I was like "Maybe a little, but not really." She thought I was autistic because of my monotone voice. I asked if she was autistic and she said no, but that she's definitely neurodivergent.
Eventually we got to my place and she had a lot of fun with the cat. I turned on the light and ac in my room and noted how hot it was. Without saying anything she picked up Coffee, carried her into my room, and sat down on my bed. She just pet the cat. Coffee loved her.
I forgot to mention what she was wearing. She wore vibram toe shoes, probably really nice for a rainy day. I thought they stood out. They were pink. Like a dark, vibrant pink. She wore a big white skirt with some hawaian type pattern in black. She wore a big green tee shirt, something a little bohemian, maybe. It was really, really big. She had some cool kinda ropey necklaces on, if I remember correctly. Some metal too, and a lot of silver rings. Her nails were slightly long and painted black, which I only really realized later as they scratched me.
She lied turned away from me while petting coffee and I started touching her arms and back. I asked her if I could distract her from the cat and she turned to me. I kissed her, then said 'sorry i should have asked if i could kiss you,' but i split the sentence up in between kisses. She was obviously fine with it. We started kissing and she was pretty immediately like 'you can be rough with me.' I tried to be but that's just not me. it doesn't really turn me on when prompted upfront like that. It was a little quick. I asked her what kinda stuff she's into while fondling her and making out, and she said she does like it rough, but it doesn't need to be.
I told her I was gonna kick the cat out and she asked "nooo why?" I don't remember what I said but I told coffee 'sorry, you know i love you" as I carried her out of my room. I laid back down and we started taking our clothes off. She had really nice, unevenly sized tits. Her right one was bigger than her left. I asked her to take my pants off, and she asked why, and I just said I like it. She asked if I had a condom, to which I replied yes, and i got up to grab one. I put it on, but the action left me kind of soft, and I asked her to jerk me off. She pulled the condom off my dick and started deepthroating me. She told me to "keep playing with [her]" (rubbing her clit) while she sucked me. Eventually I was hard enough and I had her lie on her back. I told her that I wanted her to wrap her legs around me. I loved feeling her legs grip me hard. She was so tight. She loved taking my dick. Her face twitched and she writhed and moaned. I loved looking at her while I fucked her. Her body got all tense and she grabbed onto the sheets as I kept going. I told her she was gonna make me cum really fast and she said 'not yet bby,' so I slowed down to make sure that wasn't gonna happen. Eventually enough time had passed of me drilling her and I came inside her. She was pretty content, I think she had fun. I always love how easier talking is after fucking someone. Both people are less inhibited. After hanging out for a sec, she was putting her panties on when I asked her if she was sure she didn't want me to go down on her. She said I could for a little. Little did she know, haha. I made her writhe and maon so much. I was so happy I made her cum. It was pretty difficult, honestly, because she kept moving around so much. The only other person who I've experienced that with was Libby. She made it really hard to eat the coochie. In comparison, Roley was easy. She had such a nice pussy. I remember it tasting really good, although a little like a condom, but it was easy to find her clit. She had a really nice ass too. Really fat. I didn't even realize she came because she didn't stop me. I liked the way she pulled my hair closer to her pussy. At some points she writhed so much that her foot pressed against my arm. Her toes were painted a pistachio green. She kinda got up, and I asked her if she wanted me to keep going, and that's when she said she came. I don't think she expected for me to make her cum. She also had feathers in her hair like it was 2012. She grabbed my dick with eager motivation and asked if I could cum again. I said maybe, and she said she wanted to give me something back (for making her cum). She made out with me sloppily with her pussy juice covering my face before going down on my soft dick, which grew hard in her mouth. She's so good at sucking dick, it felt good but not good enough to make me cum again. I asked her if she wanted me to fuck her again and she said yes, so I grabbed another condom and got to it. I fucked her missionary again before asking her if she wanted to ride my dick. She rode it really hard and honestly not that well. It kept falling out and she damn near crushed it. I fucked her from behind for a second but I was only half hard. She had a nice butthole but I couldn't really take a close look. She said it was ok that I was tapped.
We hung out for a while after fucking. I think she had a lot of fun. She wanted to pop all the pimples on my back, pointing to her 'i *heart symbol* to pick' tattoo as a commemoration for her dermatillomania. Or maybe it was something else, but she likes scabs and pimples. I only had one that was satisfying enough for her. She said "I'm probably hurting you" and I said "no it doesn't hurt that much." She said "oh you love pain, I can tell," and I said no. If it hit a nerve I'd launch you and yell like a cartoon character." I think she thought that was funny. She picked at my back for like 20 minutes then lied on me a little. I liked the feeling of her body's weight on mine. I told her I'd pick at her back but I didn't see anything worth popping. She still implored me to try, and I did, but there was nothing. I blamed it on not wearing my glasses, as a joke, but she thought I was serious. I'm near-sighted anyways. She said "I love messing up good things" for some reason. She picked a scab off my knee and asked if I was gonna keep it in a jar. I jokingly said no, I usually eat my scabs, and she got all excited and tried to feed it to me. "Open up" and a flailing scab headed towards my face, evading my arms trying to block it. She said "ohhh that was not a good joke because you teased me." She was covered in sores. The most prominent ones were really high up on her thighs, under her hips. She started picking at one and I asked 'how'd that happen?' I had been waiting to ask because I didn't want to pry. They seemed really new. She said 'matches.' I asked if it was an accident and she said 'nooo' as if trying to make it sound casual. I saw the scars on her left upper arm when I fucked her from behind. She picked her hip scar raw and asked me for a band-aid. I gave her a tissue. She just didn't want to stain her white skirt. We hung out a little longer and before I knew she even called one, her uber was 0 minutes away. She threw on her vibram toe shoes, packed away all her things, and stepped out the door. I walked her into the halway, gave her an awkward hug, a better kiss, and she departed. I asked her if she wanted to hang out again and she said yea. She asked me if I wanted to and I said yeah more enthusiastically. I told her I like hanging out with her and she's interesting.
It was perfect. If I ran into Carrie and Gwen in the way I did and this date didn't go well, I probably would have been very sad, but instead I hooked up with the hottest, cuttiest person ever. My life is good. My life is better. It might be petty but I feel like I won. I fucking love Roley. Not really, obviously, but I really like her. She said she loves riding my dick. She said she loves the way my balls slap her clit when I fuck her from behind. I love the way she hold my balls up while sucking my dick, and I love the taste of her pussy. I love her scabs and emaciated stomach. Her greasy feathered hair.
I reveled, drank a gansett, ate 3 wings, watched aqua teen, and fell asleep around 1 I think. The weather was really cool. It was raining.
Woke up at 4:30 and went through all my hinge likes. Some prospective cuties but a lot of derpinas. Woke up properly around 5:30 and descaled the espresso machine. Finally, something good for myself. A step in the right direciton. Walked my bike to work so I could fill the tires after getting out. It was a nice walk. I listened to all of outside world. It is gonna be so good when it's done. It already sounds dope.
Feels good to finally update this. At least that's done.
I feel overwhelmed by everything I wanna get done. I texted Cam before I went to seattle that we just really want a deadline and she still hasn't responded. That was ~2 weeks ago at this point. I'm stressed. I just wanna lock things in. Fortunately Dane and Neek are doing a great job organizing the San Diego show. I have like no money in my bank account. I really drained it when Jera visited. Had to dip into savings like an idiot.
Meeting with Charles today to discuss show logistics and flyer art. Main things to ask him are if the show can be -21, what ticketing's like, and what his deadline for all the show info is. Maybe it can be like "Beauty and Unity (names under) and Phage Gang (names under) supported by Bonxpf and Cian (3xs in parenthesis?) We'll see.
I have the urge to listen to sad music, but I'm not gonna do it. Not trying to deny my sadness either. I gotta bike and skate. And read. And make music with my friends. And clip coffee's nails. And transfer my driver's license to Massachusetts. And sign up for insurance through harvard.
I just applied to transfer my driver's license to massachusetts. Might take a sec to get an RMV appointment but I'm just glad I won't be stuck ID-less. Also, open enrollment should be around the end of October for insurance shit. Glad I know now and was able to set reminders for myself. I really gotta pay my electric and gas bills. Then hopefully I'll save money lol. Gotta pay em before Nick leaves.
Seems like Ismahel from SD is gonna sublet Nick's room for August. This is so fucking awesome. It's too bad I'll be gone for 9 days, but we will still kick it hella. I'm excited to get tatted by him.
Roley dm'd me on instagram holy shit. I can't believe this shit has such a dominating effect on my mood. I started hyperventilating with joy.
I said 'wow you found me on the gram' and she said 'lol was I not supposed to?' Haha she's weird. I love her. She's like sluto's 'plague bride.' Drug-abusing jewish waif.
Filled my tires at work. Gonna sound stupid but I didn't realize you need to unscrew/screw a presta to stop air passage/let air pass through.
I left work at 3:30 to get a salad from whole foods. Caesar. First thing I ate today. It was fine. I threw away the cheese that came with it. I biked to Perry Park very carefully. To be honest, I'm nervous about riding fixed now.
My usual bench was occupied so I sat on a bench that was directly under the sun. I read a few pages of By Night In Chile, but my eyes were so heavy that I couldn't continue. I went to meet with Charles about the Outside World release show flyer at his apartment. It was brief. He told me he felt like shit this morning because he worked out last night and didn't eat after. Some other people in the chat were going to state park to play pool but I don't think he went. I didn't go, obviously.
This was also around when I made plans to hang out with Roley tonight. She asked me what I do for work and I said I work in a lair. She asked me to elaborate and I said "maybe IRL" And Roley: "lmk" and I: "what's your week look like?" and Roley: "im free rn" and I: "im busy rn :/ but im free tn if u wanna go to the sil or the model" And that's how our plans were made. She sent me a sexy body selfie. I thought this was so weird but I gave her my number and she replied with her number. Reminds me of Marceline or something. Maybe Roley wants me to light her cigarettes.
I got a bottle of trader joe's cabernet and some gansetts, some blueberries, got home, and immediately got to cleaning. At ~8:30 I texted her that I was heading out soon and should be there at 9, then she responded almost immediately 'wait im drawing a tattoo i need to do tm' So I told her nw and that I was in no rush, and an hour later I was smoking a stoger on the porch when she asked 'Can we do tomorrow love' I can't lie, I was disappointed. I was to the 9s for her, but it's ok. I made two burgers that were leftover from the 4th and watched aqua teen hunger force before going to bed pretty early.
This cutie from hinge named bella matched with me and texted immediately. I asked what she was up to and she asked me the same. I told her I was about to go to the sil but the person I was going with bailed. She said she'd go if it weren't gross outside and she weren't about to hop in the shower. Oh well. We flirted a little via hinge and maybe we can meet up soon. She seems less cutty but she's really hot.
I just don't know if I should bring this thing up to meera. I'm just so down bad. I just saw that Julia saw my story yesterday. WHy. Well, it's funnny, if I've learned anything that I wish Meera understood, it's that this is all about patience. So many ups and downs.
So much fucking time was just spent talking shit and drinking + spending money this weekend. Wow. I feel ashamed.
Slept like shit. Jerked off (no porn) when I woke up. I don't know why. Felt like shit for some reason. Maybe it's because I was thinking about Cris and she ghosted me. Was basically a zombie all day. Felt like a truly wasted day. Isabelle's back and it fucking sucks. I just want to be able to put my head down and grind but I can't. I'm responsible for her and it stresses me out.
I walked to union square to get flicks of yday's tags and also eat at Machu, that peruvian chicken spot. My gerd was absolutely horrible and I thought that food would help. I was ok at first, but it was so much fucking food (1/4 white meat chicken, salad, and beans+rice). My gerd actuallly got so fucking bad I couldn't focus on anything. I was nodding off and barely able to stay awake all afternoon. The heat was killing me but it was only in the low 80s. I don't know what was up. My body feels like it's failing. I need to chill out.
I told Roley we should hang out and she said "yes fs." When I asked if I could take her out for a drink sometime this week, at some point after that she unmatched me. So fucking sad about it honestly. Nick told me he matched with her too, so I'm gonna ask if her account's gone or if she just doesn't fuck with me. I found her tattoo page and it's sick. I honestly wanna hit her up at a certain point where our hinge interaction will not have been weird still so I can set up a tatt appointment. I'm so sad though. I know this is so fucking stupid, but I pictured possibly dating her. She looked perfect.
Left work early after napping on a bench outside for 15 minutes, fighting for my life, got home and napped more. Got 2 modelo tall boys, did the dishes, cleaned up, moved all the music equipment back into my room, and did nothing at all after. I rolled around in bed. That's what I did. And sweated. Because it was so hot. I finally sent exp and jupps the vocal stems and tags they had been hounding me for. It was easy, I'm just not in a good headspace right now. I need some reset and restraint. The chaos was definitely aided by me not updating this for ~5 days. So many details missed when that happens too. What a bender.
Nick got back from Mystic lake with Olivia. It was good to see her. I like her. He offered me some josh and I took a little. I watched an episode of the boondocks for some reason. It was funny.
I spent a lot of my day yesterday on my phone. Every chance i got, I was looking at my phone. Maybe I was out of it and anxious (I mean, I know I was, but maybe that was particularly why I couldn't keep my eyes unfocused from y phone). I recieved karma for my phone addiction in the form of seeing Carrie's new instagram post show up on my feed. I thought they restricted me from their story/posts or something because I hadn't seen anything from them in so long, but this bummed me out so fucking much. Just the reminder. And I couldn't sleep all fucking night. I woke up multiple times, tossing and turning, turning the ac on and off, having nightmares. I actually dremt I saw Carrie on a hinge-feeld combination app that shows your dating history and it was linked to some feminine person's profile that said they fucked and used to hang out. What is wrong with my psyche. Ups and downs. I'm still not over it. And it hurts more because I got dubbed by cris, julia, and roley. In addition, obviously Marceline and Ezra have no reason to hit me up, but I'm sad ezra never spoke to me again :( I need a fucking win. I know I fucked Cris last Thursday and that was great, but I just feel like shit right now. I can't believe I let this define my mood. Just not doing very well.
I matched with this girl Roley on hinge who seemed so fucking cool. Tattoo artist, does drugs (actually had 'yes' for the little pill icon), mousy jewish waif. One of the only people I could imagine really getting along with out of everyone I've been seeing recently. They just said "I know jame."
Also I texted Cris to say how nice of a time I had and that we should hang out again but she totally dubbed me. Now it's Tuesday 250708 and no response. Such a shame. I liked her, honestly. She wasn't cutty but I liked fucking her.
Iicng on the cake, what I'm most bummed on, is getting ghosted by Julia. Last time I saw her she kissed me as soon as she saw me and implied we should meet up in cali. Wow that's painful. No response is so wild. She followed me on fucking ig.
So much accumulating pain. Anyways, I woke up at aorund 11am on this day. Slept in so hard and it was difficult to get up. Jera and I went to Lulu's. Spent fucking $40 on breakfast because I got a bloody mary and a beer. Whatever, it was worth it. After, Jera wanted to get whippets so we walked to blue moon. Eventually we finally made it back, I tried to clean up a little, we got coffee, and we made our way towards Friends and Family on the 66. I won the cd player/speaker raffle. When I walked in the door Lexy said they had a bone to pick with me and I got super nervous. It turns out they just entered the raffle twice and were bummed on losing lol. As a consolation prize I gave them one of Pat's fake $100 bills.
George was there, and meera obviosuly. I also fake gave Amelia one of the bills and she thought it was real and was like "nooo i can't." She's so cool. I'm glad she fucks with me. Hakeem was there too, I chopped it up with him for a second. It was hectic in there. Jera got a jordan tee. We went to Faro and got coffee/cheesecake cuz they were closing. It was free. Lexy's homie Lucky was working and I re-introduced myself. They were at Lexy's birthday party thing.
After chilling at f&f for a second, Jera and I walked to trina's. We kinda just drank for hours. Charles pulled up and so did Isaac. The bartender was also friends with Lexy, which was funny.
Jera thought it was funny how clean cut boston fools are. He said he was having a great time though. He was super thankful. Charles went home, but Isaac, Jera, and I got some more brews (NA for Isaac, of course) and chilled on prospect hill until the sun set. On the way there Jera actually hit some tags with a can of red paint he bought earlier in the day. Buck ass broad daylight painting. He's nice with it and he threw up phage too. It was a great time. Jera said he'd be down for B&U to perform at ICarvedHopeFest on September 13th. Huge news. We're all really excited.
Jera rolled his ankle going to piss in the corner. We were both so sloshed. Isaac went home and Jera and I took the union square bus to the 66, then hopped on and jetted home. Played the spin and stomp on can game for a sec. We kicked it for a little while longer at my crib before jera paid me to call him a lyft and he headed home. I kicked it with Nick really briefly, then hit the hay pretty early. Not early enough at all, actually. It was actually late Considering I had work early in the morning.
This is kinda funny but I woke up with a rock hard boner. I forgot Isaac slept in Eamon's room for a second and was worried he saw. It was fine though, lol. Jera slept in way more than Isaac and me. We got coffees from dunks and Isaac dipped out to go home, but would reunite later. Decided to have a party tonight and I made the flyer. ICarvedPhageOnMyWrist. Pat, Huey, Isaac, Apollo, Fern, myself, and obviously Jera DJing.
I decided today I would wear the flatcap that Max left when he was here. Fried fit that matched perfectly. Black sprayed vans, marroon socks, plaid shorts, beige aero shirt with brown and maroon hits, plus the brown hounstooth pattern flatcap. Fried. When Jera finally got up we went to Vivant so he could get some new shorts and Taqueria Carrizal and got some pupusas and a beer. With Jera around, the drinking is constant. It was already like 1:30pm though so it wasn't super early to drink a lunch beer. Taqueria Carrizal was so latino and authentic. I loved it in there. It was also the first time I ever truly felt like the service was intentionally bad to stop us from coming back. We were too hipsta. Everyone was nice but it was just slow. I saw yoshi alex outside and ran out to talk to him for a second. Nice ass fool. He talked about music and his show at the jungle. I could tell he was gonna talk all day on this tip if I didn't say I had to run inside, so I told him I had to run back in but it was great to see him.
Jera dna I got a sixer of pbr tall boys from blanchards and walked down harvard ave a little. Isaac met up with us and got a burger from Five Guys while jera took a shit at mcdonalds. We walked to ringer and just chopped it up there for hella long. After that we got some more beer and did the same thing at allston park. Got some groceries from trader joe's for the party, Jera racked a full pre-marinated carne asada steak, and got back to the crib. We were honestly schlump so we chilled for a sec before I got to cleaning. Cart pulled up, then apollo, then dru. Eventually I put belt to my own ass and forced myself to set up.
Overall the party was a huge success. We couldn't really grill, sadly, because the grill was missing an adapter. Pat just used the stove, which was fine. Everyone was happy. If there were like 5 more people at the party at the peak it might have been overwhelming, but it was perfect. Isaac killed it on decks, jera killed it on decks and played strictly techno, apollo played bangers all night. Nick pulled up and finally quelled his fears about jera being sketchy. He actually called me on the beach to make sure jera wasn't gonna sleep in his room while he was camping in maine. This kid from new york, carlos kanta, who rides for sex hippies said jera's sketchy and he's seen him nodding off. Very disrespectful considering jera's never even done H. Kid's just fried, and when nick pulled up to the party he told me he actually felt hella disrespected by Carlos on the camping trip. Anyways, mmassive squad crossover event and I'm glad jera got to meet so many people. Mikey pulled up and said he wanted to do some cd releases for phage gang. First time seeing him since i met marlon. Asked him about Kudzai's funeral and everything. Eventually everyone dipped around 2:30 and heads knocked.
No work, fourth of july. Woke up kinda late. Probably around 8:30 or 9. Still haven't descaled my espresso machine, like an idiot, so I got dunks. Coffee looked extra cute soaking in the sun from the window and sprawling out in the heat. I love her and don't know what I'd do without her. Jetted to work quickly just to change some embryo water. I shoulda screened too, but I was under a time crunch to get to Pat and Huey's apartment to catch a ride to the beach, and My stomach was in shambles so I spent a lot of time shitting.
Got home from the lab, got all my stuff together, and left my apartment at 11:30. I called Huey to apologize, but Pat was trimming his beard or something so the departure time got pushed back slightly. Isaac was mad at their communication skills so he took the commuter rail. At this point Jera called me and told me he missed his ride down to philly for the weekend and wanted to come crash with me in Boston. I was kinda nervous about the logistics but I told him to come to Nahant beach.
Huey, Pat and I rode up to Lynn in Huey's new old car. Stopped by target to get some essentials, stopped by camparo chicken for a quick bite. It was really good and authentic latino chicken, a great shout by huey. Bones broke off into all our mouths, which is how you know. When we got to the beach and parked, Huey and Pat went to go link Isaac and Sam while I waited for Jera to pull up. It was a little confusing but this dude he works with dropped him off. Jera paid him $100. When he got out of the car, his coworker said "Alright Jeff, don't get into any trouble. Actually get into a little trouble, for me!" In a thcik, authentically high-pitched New England accent. Looked like ur classic junked new hampshire construction worker, I can't lie. Sorry if that's rude, I don't know his life.
We chilled on the beach, drank, hacky sacked, hazed sam by pantsing him and throwing sand down his ass, and drank some more. I don't really know why but I talked to Isaac about Carrie because the whole thing with Meera texting me to say she accidentally invited Carrie to state park, not knowing if I was back from Seattle, felt really weird and wack to me. I know Meera didn't intend it that way, but I just wish I wasn't reminded. At some other point huey overheard me mention something about the breakup and was like "thank fucking god, by the way. shawty couldn't hold a conversation. 'arman your friends don't talk to me'" smiling sarcastically. He's not wrong. I never felt that way though. Carrie changed so much since getting sick. Isaac just said they were at state park and it was a little weird. Kinda makes me feel good to know people fuck with me more, even htough that's petty and lame. As I will write out in the next few entries, this predicted a state of deep sadness I would be entering shortly.
We chilled on the beach for so long, honestly. At one point while we were leaving, Pat said something to me (I can't even remember what it was), so I tried to slap his cigar out of his mouth, accidentally slapping him lightly on the face. We tussled briefly, and I held my own for a sec, but he put me on the ground. It was funny. I was wilding and so fucking drunk. Vinny dm'd me to say he was having a party, but not Huey and Pat, which was weird. Before going to Vinny's we tried to watch fireworks on Corey hill. The fireworks were totally shieled by trees which bummed Huey out. We got some food at this Allston korean spot too. Cold noodles. I drunkenly talked shit on so many people like an asshole. I truly was such an asshole. We pulled up to Vinny's party and it was so fucking wack. Adlo apologized to me for our last interaction, which ammused the shit out of me. The last interaction we had was also at vinny's, cuz i guess he also lives there, and he said "hey I feel like there's some weird energy between us," to which I just replied "no." Always something with this bitch. Isaac, Jera, and I went back to my place and tagged hella spots along the way. There was this weird dude sitting in front of a bench who tried to get up with us on this garbage can. I don't know why but Jera handed him my yellow posca. He went over a MODE LMA tag. He did exactly what I hoped he wouldn't do: go over someone. For some reason he started walking with us and asked Isaac how old he is. Isaac said "24" and he was like "whaaat? no way?! you're 24 vandalizing?" He said some more weird shit like us, so Jera stopped walking and said 'if you're gonna hit us, just do it.' Obviouisly, he pussied out, and we crossed the street and kept walking. He ran to Lulu's but they were closing as soon as he got there. Such a weird toy. Anyways we tagged more in LA and ran into hillary. Jera later said it looked like I was spitting game, which I maybe half-was, but she told me she's celibate and I'm not trying to be a creep. She's the best though. Anyways, we got back and knocked hard. Jera in the orange chair, I don't know why, Isaac in Eamon's bed, he would be gone all weekend, and myself on the living room couch.
Woke up relatively on time. My tattoo feels good by the way. Doesn't really feel fragile anymore. Got a large iced coffee with a little oat milk form dunkin. Walked out the door, realized I should eat some raspberries that I got a few days ago. Took the bus again and read some of by night in chile while waiting for it.
Got to work, performed by basic menial tasks, and finished editing my little tukwila slideshow with pics Marceline took. I miss her, I like her.
Got a slice at whole foods with a little salad on top of it. They didn't have caesar so I used chipotle ranch. It was good. Better than I thought it would be. Ran into Charles. Very brief convo.
Drinking my afternoon coffee while updating this. Uploaded my lil slideshow.
I got to work early and I am updating this finally at 7:38am on 250708. I feel so fucked up. I'm so sad. I want to cry. Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Need to write as much as possible before Isabelle shows up.
My slideshow actually flopped, which sucks, because I was really proud of it. It got a lot of love from a certain subsect of people, but flopped to the public in general.
I cleaned my room, which was much needed.
Now I remember. I was going out with Cris that night, so just in case she wanted to go back to my place it had to be clean. I also sent Odi a pic of the room finally. Cris and I were supposed to meet at the cellar in between harvard and central, but it was closed. I had always wanted to try it but apparently it just closed forever out of nowhere. We walked to the cantab lounge and got to know each other a little. She's a lab tech at MGH in charlestown working with IPSCs. We honestly talked a good amount about RA life and science stuff. She's from new mexico but went to MIT. There was a band playing at the cantab really loud, actually. It was my first time ever being in the upstairs section. We had such a difficult time hearing each other. She told me about the mall of america in Minesotta, I think. I forget how it came up, but I asked her what kinda freak she was and she said she was a closeted goth. That's not really the answer to the question I asked but I guess she was shy. She feels like she can't express herself to the fullest because of science. She told me about how she's been getting into cross-stitching lately. We got some modelos from the liquor store and went back to her place.
Not the nicest apartment in the world, but her room was cozy. She told me about this book she's been reading because she saw her conservative catholic mom reading it. We drank a little and started making out. I noticed her records on her wall and asked her if she liked the pixies. She actually loved the pixies and pointed out a surfer rosa record I hadn't even noticed. She finished her deller and we got to actually hooking up.
I was honestly really attracted to her. She had such a cute nerdy mousy face. Her nails scratched me a lot. She was really good at sucking dick and used her tongue a lot, both while sucking and while making out with me. She did say she had an oral fixation. She had such a nice ass. Her dick was honestly bigger than mine and it was really nice. I didn't suck it or anything but I jerked her off a little. She asked me what I meant when I said I was a real eater and I don't remember what I said. I honestly only wanted to dominate her for the night. I asked her if she wanted me to fuck her, to which she said yes. I told her I'm clean, if she wants me to hit her raw. I think she paused for a second, but then nodded her head excitedly and said "yeah" while smiling. I lasted a pretty long time. She put her legs in the air, then wrapped them around my waist. My favorite position, honestly. Her ass felt so good. I can't believe I went from never cumming from fucking an ass to cumming from fucking two asses in the same week. We drank more and smoked a cigarette on her balcony. She complained about how awful her lab can be. 50-60hr weeks with no overtime. I'll never complain again. That's a lie, I probably will, but in comparison to Cris' situation I shouldn't. We made out some more, she sucked me, and we fucked a little more too. She said she could still feel my cum inside her in a really sexy, vocally fried way. I love looking at her face twitch while I fuck her. I almost came again but she had to stop. She said I'm bigger than she's used to, but she likes the feeling of getting stretched out. We cuddled a little longer before she kicked me out around midnight. She was sleepy. Off an adernaline high I got a burrito from el Jefe's in harvard and ate it while walking home. It was a nice night. I knocked as soon as I got home.
Woke up at 5 because I set my alarm to that time. I really wanted to wake up early and get shit done like descaling the coffee machine and cleaning my room. Swiped on hinge, which is negative rizz, but I was horny, then fell back asleep. Ended up waking up at 7 fr. What a reversal of intention: when I want to wake up early, I wake up late. My tattoo from Wyatt feels normal, fortunately. Was about to leave for work when I remembered I should probably eat some raspberries that I got 2 days ago. It's wing wednesday so I'm not gonna eat anything until later.
Got to work at like 9:36. Once again, I am fortunate no one cares. I had a lab operations meeting I didn't really want to go to, but that I wanted to use to fill up some time in the day. Same as yesterday's lab meeting, I kept almost dozing off. It was almost impossible to stay awake. How frustrating.
I am going to leave at 3 I think. Then, I will stay a little late tomorrow. Getting drinks with Cris the oral fixator in cambridge later later. She's so cute. Really looking forward to getting sucked, hopefully. I wonder what kind of freak she is. I'm open to exploring.
I am updating this at 12:47pm on 250703. I barely remember what happened yesterday. I took the bus to Lulu's for wings and they had high lifes again. The wings slapped, although after I finished eating them + drinking my second high life I could barely stay awake. I felt like my eyes were closing when Bill brought out the bill. Walked to the liquor store and got a 12er of high lifes.
Walked home, drank two high lifes, did the dishes while nick cooked some shit, and fell asleep. I woke up to Nick calling my name and I drank another high life and we watched an episode of futurama. I fed coffee and fell back asleep. Boring day.
I have officially logged an entry for every day for 1/2 of the year, wow. It's usually hard for me to do anything. I can't believe it. The first half of my 2025 is documented.
Woke up at 6:15. Got a dunkin iced coffee. Hope to descale my machine when I get home from work today though. Showered pretty carefully to clean my tatt without getting intense water pressure on it. Still a little shook to bike + would get realy sweaty, so I took the bus. Got to work at like 8:15. Could barely keep my eyes open during the lab meeting. Kara reassured me that I looked normal even though I definitely caught myself with my eyes closed at severl points. I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight.
Mostly fucked off at work. No isabelle, which was nice. I got a burrito from el jefe's reaslly early in the day because I was hungry. Spent most of the day just updating this. Finally leaving now at 4:10. Can't wait to go home.
Hopped on the bus. Got off at trader Joe's. Got 2 sixers of Gansett and some shawarma chicken. Drank a gansett when I got home and got into bed and passed out. Woke up at like 7 to Eamon and Eddie chilling. Chopped it up for a sec and made dinner. Shawarma chicken + my remaining arugula.
It was so fucking hot in the apartment. You have no idea. Watched a little Futurama with Nick. The episode with Seymour. Then Nick went to sleep and I watched the episode where Bender's pregnant with a beer. Smoked a cigarette with Eddie and Eamon then got to recording.
TrentPotions sent me a mountain castle open produced by icu and him. I was eager to hop on. I liked my lyrics:
(put your 5k on display)
eamon off the shits for like the first time in forever
eddie zooted as a bitch but he be keeping it together
back in 2013 i was bumping sweater weather
have you ever had to take a leap of faith under pressure?
bed stuy basketball court wearing jupps’s sweater
hangin around too much they think that im a subletter
have you ever had to take a leap of faith under pressure?
i fw my seattle girlfriend but i love my seattle wife
used to wanna hang from the ceiling just like
some stalactites
shoutout to wyzecrackworld so imma crack this bin twice
carter cracked a cold one i bet he’s putting it on ice
my skin is burning in the sun and im not even fried
and that shawty throwin ass in the direction that ur thinking of
see a lucky penny on the ground and i bend down to pick it up
wear my heart on my sleeve think it look like ketchup
MountainCastle's voice sounds so good and weird, I wish mine could sound like that. I also sent the open to jupps in case he wated to hop on. Sent the song on the pg ig chat but nobody really cared lol.
Fell asleep around 12:30 probably. Think I drank like 7 gansetts in total. So sugary.
Arrived in Newark early at like 6am EST. First thing I saw when I got off the plane was dunkin. Got a large iced coffee with a little oat milk. Once again kinda just loafed. Switched my hing back to boston and tried to go through the infinite derpinas that reset when you change locations. I thought Seattle was more derpy but hell nah, boston takes the cake. Also got 2 sausage egg and cheese wake up wraps. I wqas hungry. Shit like three times. Stomach wasn't doing great. Kept falling asleep by accident while waiting for the plane to board, but eventually I got on there. Knocked once again.
Everything else was very uninteresting. Got off the plane, got another coffee, took the shuttle to the blue line airport station, took the blue line to government center, took the b line to packards corner, almost pissed my pants, but finally got home at like 1 or 1:30. Was so happy to see coffee. I can't wait to chill out on travelling so I can spend more time with her. I'm gonna brush her hair. She needs it.
So Wyatt actually hit me right after I got on the Newark plane to say his trip with Ted and Max to Pittsburgh was postponed. I'd find out later it's because Max's Dad's ALS has taken a realy bad turn and he probably won't live past this week. Super sad. Anyways, Wyatt asked if I could do the tatt we had planned today. I said yeah, but he wanted me to come straight from the airport, and that wasn't really possible. I was hyped to finally get this tatt though.
I got a microwave burrito from trader joe's and a tall boy of corona from the gas station. Eamon was home and we chopped it up for a second. Eddie came through and Nick got off work super early so he walked in the door too. Said hi to everyone, told them about my fucked up bike accident, seattle, the gruzz, my future wife, john, and then I resigned to getting in the shower and jetting to Malden so I could get tatted. The commute to malden was chill. The 66 pulled up right as I was getting to the stop, then the same with the red and orange lines. I forget how nice the view can be on the orange line. Saw the mystic river. I wanna bike to it and around it.
Got to Malden center and walked to Wyatt's. His place is mad cool. He's had a turtle named franklin for 14 years and his tank is sick. He has a cat named boots, hella cool paintings, airbrush shit everywhere, a million cans of spray paint in his room. He shaved me, placed the tatt, and we got to it. It felt so much gnarlier than I thought it would, but nothing too crazy. It was great to finally talk to him and get to know him better. We have some similar interests. The convo flowed. We talked about graff, art, animals, activities, music, and obviously tatts. He studied film at Emerson but he didn't know movies for shit. He just likes experimental stuff. The initial tatt probably took like 3 hours and he touched it up for another hour. Honestly, the touch ups felt so much worse because the skin was already raw. For some dumb reason I thought leg skin would be better than arm skin. I was wrong.
I was euphoric walking out of his door, though. I'm so hyped on how the tatt turned out. Racked some soap and moisturizer from CVS in harvard square and walked home from there. I actually sipped a high life tall boy on the orange line and another while walking from harvard square.
Nick was home. Convinced him to watch an episode of portlandia with me while I microwaved a burrito and talked about all the huzz in seattle. He knocked and I drank another of his Gansetts that I got him while cleaning the tatt + scrolling on my phone in bed. Coffee was being very affectionate. Knocked out really quickly.
I woke up at 6am to do laundry. Got a coffee at Vivace. Just kinda did laundry then waited for John to wake up. I was kinda eager to get outside and spend some time alone while waiting for Ezra, so I dipped out to the bookstore.
I got by night in chile and started reading it in the park. I love bolaño so much, you know I can't stay away. There were tweakers and there was a band playing in the park. I saw nudists walk by. Three hairy trans girls with big tits, flags and all. I also saw some nake cyclists a little ways from me. So weird. Ate a little of my 'French Guys' cafe baguette and read. Ezra hadn't hit me until 1:53pm. I had my lucky cigarette in my mouth when they texted me. They said they just woke up and were getting ready super fast. I ran to QFC and got so many picnic things. Blueberries, some fuck ass seltzers, swedish fish, brie, crackers, hummus. Honestly too much.
They finally pulled up at 2:30. They were much shorter than I thought they'd be, for some reason, and their roommate was with them. The roommate was a chiller, and someone who I think I'd be friends with. Not ideal how the roommate was there, but apparently they were both on their way downtown to hang out with a friend for a birthday celly. They were a real chatterbox and didn't let me get too many words in. They also kept fidgeting and moving around, I think they're autistic, which is definitely fitting for me. They have a scrunched up little face and their face tattoo is really cool. Their thigh and ass kinda moved in a sexy way when they lifted up their skirt to show me their huge leg-spanning tribal tatt. I played coy when they told me they do tatts and they didn't really flinch when I told them I know Mo. I said it was funny how they said they'd e shy because I was shook, but they said I'm easy to talk to. As someone who always used to create awkward silences and struggled to keep conversations moving, I feel like I've come a long way. Sometimes I worry that I'm using alcohol as a crutch for socializing, but even though I was a little nervous in front of this beauty, I still did well. I hadn't drank at all that day, which was good. Ezra's sober, so... they also said they don't go out much and have trouble being in crowds. I can't wait to see them again someday and really go out and be alone. They look like they'd be good at sex. I said I liked their watch. They also had a baby g. They didn't say anything about mine though. Why am I always most attracted to people who don't give a shit about me. They said they agree with me that the nudism thing is really weird. They said they want to take a vacation but also want to make money, so they'll prob take a trip to LA if anywhere. If they were ever on the east coast I told them they should hit me up. They said they weren't sure if I was really interested in them or wanted to hang out. I think there could be something interesting here. They said their mom was a sex worker who never used protection so they have 8 (or 9? idk if the figure included them) siblings.
They had to go and I walked them to the train station. I mentioned how I want to do karaoke next time I'm in town. They said their go-to songs and it was all dad rock. Creed and shit like that. I asked their roommate what they do and they said they're terrified of karaoke. They said the first time they heard a recording of their voice they were so freaked out. I told them they have a nice voice. I like their roommate a lot too. We'd be friends. I walked back to John's place and dropped off all the uneaten food. Ezra didn't give a fuck. They struck me as someone who would have a difficult time eating in front of other people.
2 things Carrie, Julia, and Ezra all have in common: forget to ask me questions, extremely busy and hard workers (at least Carrie was at first). Maybe that caused a rift. Speaking of which, I texted Julia to say I hope she's been well and ask if she'd wanna hang out before she leaves for her tour.
John called me and he really wanted me to troop out to greenlake and hang out before I left. He told me I could bring all my stuff with me and just leave straight from there, maybe. It was a straight shot on the train. In all honesty I didn't really want to, I just wanted to chill, but I felt obligated to see john before I left. I took the train all the way to green lake with all my stuff and it was super heavy. I finally arrived and chilled with Angel and Vanders while John played volleyball with some randoms. He said they vibed him out too. This is what kinda pissed me off: he had me troop all the way out here just so he could play volleyball with other people. Come on. Anyways, he also really wanted me to talk to this dude Vanders more for some reason. He was nice but it's not like we had a lot in common. I got some fish and chips that cost ~$30 and was actually too much to eat at a spot nextdoor. Gerd city. John also had me walk 10 minutes to go to a convenience store to get him a gatorade, but it was closed. I don't know why he did that. I obviously had to leave soon.
Angel urged me to do a pre-check for the airport, but John told them I wasn't gonna do it. That kinda pissed me off, but he was right. I'm glad Angel took my phone to do it because when I eventually got to the airpoirt I skipped the whole line. So weird no one knows about it.
Anyways, I said my goodbyes, hopped on the train, and took the long commute to the airport while listening to put your 5000 on display. The golden hour commute all over seattle was quite beautiful. Got through TSA and just loafed for a long while. Got some high pH smartwater and it somehow made my gerd worse. Got some cheez its cuz I was bored and wanted a snack. This was actually when I texted Julia, not before. Ezra texted me to say they got back from downtown and thanked me for hanging out. They told me to "pls let [them] know when [I] come back this way :)," which I definitely will.
Got on the plane and knocked out.
Woke up and she asked if I wanted to fuck again. I fucked her from the side and came really fast. I was gonna head out and she asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow (meaning Sunday). I made up the excuse that I was gonna try to make music with Seattle people (put your 5000 on display) that day, but truly I just didn't want to hang out again. We fucked and that was that. She was a little bummed but I told her I'd see her again. She truly is a goated Seattle girlfriend to have.
Walked back in the direction of John's. Got a coffee (don't remember where) and fingerboarded in Cal Anderson park while John drove Federica home. He initally told me he'd scoop me from the park, although I was like 'nah I'm right around the corner,' but then he told me to just meet him at his place, which was a little annoying, but whatever. I spent my alone time in the morning listening to put your 5000 on display and posting videos from the night before. Marceline sent the videos she took and they were great.
When I got back, John was smoking a cigarette outside with his neighbor. They were cool. We chopped it up outside and decided we should bike to another part of the city to get breakfast at this mexican-owned diner called Julia's. Right before we left my mom texted me to say that my grandmother died. I was pretty sad to hear this, but very happy that my mom and my aunt got to see her this past week before she passed. I ignored the text while we biked to the breakfast spot. It was a really good bike ride. Kinda hilly at times but could be a lot worse. Ordered the breakfast burrito and stepped outside. Called my aunt, uncle, and mom. My aunt was the saddest I think. Her voice kept shaking and i could hear her sniffling. She kept saying how much Abuelita loved my sister and me, which caused a pang of sadness to run through me. Truth be told I was not really that torn up, though. She hadn't remembered me for some time. The last time I saw her she was really bummed on me because of her Alzheimers. My aunt was really worried about my uncle. He took care of my grandmother every day and seemed like he was always depressed but never talked about anything. He sounded totally fine when I called him, which I knew wasn't true. My mom was sad but surprisingly ok. If anything it might have been more difficult to see my grandmother suffering.
Ate breakfast with John. Biked to this place called gasworks. I'm not gonna lie, this was when I started to think I was spending a little too much time with bro. He kept trying to explain things to me, especially about where in Seattle we were, and it just wasn't taking at all for me, which was annoying. Like if I lived there or spent a lot of time there I'm sure I would learn the geography better over time, but him trying to impose it on me and patronizingly ask if I remember where x, y, or z was, while pointing to a map that looked like nothing to me, was kind of annoying. It's ok though. We biked to this brewery that had public bathrooms, went through this little cutty woodsy street called interlocked, went through a park by the Asian art museum, then biked back to his place and waited for Sebastian to pull up.
Sebastian pulled up and we hung out for a while before hitting the lake. I'm glad He and John met. I knew their interests would overlap. I showered real quick and we biked to the lake. It was so intense, not gonna lie. I was completely tapped. The hills were so steep. At one point I thought I wasn't gonna be able to stop while going down a hill and I was gonna completely crash into a car/curb. Eventually we got to the lake and while we were locking our bikes John told me ot to scratch his in a really patronizing way. Obviously it's totally valid he doesn't want his bike scratched but he said it in such a grating way. I hate how he tries to son me sometimes. Meanwhile seb checked the water quality at the beach we were at, Madrona, and apparently there was high bacteria measured in the water ealrier in the day. We decided to just post up and see if anyone would go in before us. John and I drank beer but Sebastian's in a sober era. I didn't know this but he'd been super fucked up off drugs and alcohol recently, so he quit everything. He was doing pressies, which was fucked. We just chatted for a long time and soaked in the sun. Glad I put on sunscreen. Angel pulled up. Hella people got in the water so we did as well. It was colder than I thought it would be, but really nice. We couldn't touch the bottom.
Continued chilling and eventually biked back to John's crib. Sebastian went to go piss and John told me he'd teach me how to trackstand, once again sonning me. We biked back and it was painful. Not for them at all but it was very painful for me. Drank and smoked outside. Talked about the deep stuff like relationships. Cathartic guy shit. Sebastian is currently volcel cuz he keeps getting into passionate situationships that don't last very long very very fast. I didn't really know that about bro. Poor guy, but it seems like he's doing better. He also said he didn't realize how much social anxiety he had until he quit everything.
We changed, showeredm etc, then it was time to go out. I ate the rest of my burrito but Sebastian and John still wanted to get food. We went to thi ramen spot and got black garlic ramen. It was really good but way too filling. The garlic was so gnarly, in a good way, but not ideal for hanging out. We made our way to the Cal Anderson park field and hung out among the pride festivalgoers. John's homie was there with a footbag that had metal studs all over it and we hackied. Honestly felt so full I could barely drink and was mad schlump. Sebastian's homie pulled up and he was barely comprehensible. I thought he was junked but apparently he was really high. Sebastian had talked about how he was all bummed on his friends recently so later I said something like "that guy sucked" and he was like "whatttt nooooo hes so good" and I felt like such an asshole. I thought about it for a while after that, but I think it was ok. John also couldn't stand the guy. We walked back to John'scrib and sebastian got his stuff and biked home. I couldn't keep my eyes awake. Knocked so good.
Forgot to mention that I spoke with Ezra towards the end of the night and told them i'm really into them and would love to hang out tomorrow (sunday) morning if possible, to which they agreed. I was jumping for joy at this news, and we agreed to met up in Cal Anderson around 11-12. Fell asleep so happy.
It is now 11:40AM on 250701. I am at the lab. Gonna drink a coffee and try to update.
On this day I woke up and John said he was surprised to see me. He said he wanted details and I said it was alright. I was pretty nervous that she wasn't gonna fuck with me and that was gonna tell people I'm lame, honestly. Turns out I had absolutely no reason to feel this way because she asked via text if I wanted to come over later after my show. For a sec I wondered if she was tryna jump me or something. I told her John and Seb were tryna go to a party and I couldn't come over and she said 'ok :/.' I forget exactly what I replied with but she said she had a nice time with me and wanted to see me again before I left, which was a pretty big surprise.
Made some hot coffees and ate egg on toast with John. John got some 'work done' while I truly just fucked off. We were also chit chatting quite frequently so it wasn't like either of us were hard at work. I showered, etc. Around 12 we went to go get breakfast at this pho place called Pho Than Brothers. It was incredible. Even better than pho 75 in Philly, + they had chili oil on the side. I couldn't finish all of it.
John and I went to the thrift. I found a cool cd for Odiase, although I forget the name. It was some dance stuff so I figure he could use it for cd djing. I also found American Pie 2 unrated on dvd, plus hella cool pins. We stopped by John's homie Alex's show cobbling store, where Alex is a cobbler's apprentice. Nice dude. He said something funny: 'I was watching bladee videos all night last night and I had to change it up to something different, so I started watching ecco2k videos.' He's a handy guy. Will make a great cobbler. He had a very cool engineer's hat on. He said some people call it a conductor's hat, but engineer's hat is the proper name. He said he'd probably come to my show. John and I stopped by QFC (grocery store) to get more Raniers. At this point it was already past 3.
We biked down hillside, nearly downtown, to hit this lime scooter-sponsored event for some free coffee. They were also giving out pan dulce, which actually wasn't very sweet and was very good, and free helmets. Coffee was only one option: they also had horchata. I opted for cold brew and it was not bad. Met Angel's main boo Corey. He's mad nice and makes music. Really swaggy dude. Analisa was also there. Just chopped it up and dipped. Simple as that.
Arranged my setlist and fucked around on John's massive keyboard synth. Smoked a cigarette and headed out. Rapped along to all my songs on the drive. Saw so much dope graffiti on the way to the venue in Tukwila. Even Mayo TLC which was funny.
Got to the venue in Tukwila around 7. It was really weird and it was called lucky liquor. Old punk type bar. When we pulled up it was hella towny. The was one old wook punk with a really long dread that tied around his neck. Door guy was mad chill and nice. Got some beers. John got jalapño poppers.
After a little, wyzecrack showed up. Idk why this was so notable but he was wearing a massive yellow vetements tee and bapestas. We chopped it up while he discussed shit with the sound guy, then this dude Jack, who I'd later come to know as mountaincastle, or the leader of the 'put your 5000 on display' crew pulled up with his squad. He had on some kinds brimmed beanie and a white tee. Nothing flashy. I guess they were all special guests. Out of the performers: there was a pretty objectively jewish-looking kid with a tie around his neck, a white button up, and some really slim ysl jeans sitting on some margiela-looking type. high tops. Next is jt, I believe, who almost looked like a 90s fuckboy. He had on some big jorts and a plaid vest over a really really skintight shirt. You could tell how hyped he was on his physique. Next is ben aka trent potions, jack's brother. A real nice kid wearing a white tee with a fur vest, using the detachable sleeves as a scarf. Last but not least was a little mexican kid with a bright blue bape shirt on, a large-faced watch on his wrist, and a winter hat. Conor, aka mouseman, also pulled up. I guess they all knew him from before. He was a real quiet chiller. I told him I really like harto and he said he wondered about that, to which I responded that I hope I don't wear it too hard on my sleeve. Ryan aka Relaxito also pulled up. Very relaxed and chill dude.
Went inside after smoking to realize that Marceline had arrived. I said what's up and thanked her for making it. Introduced her to John and he stupidly asked 'are you one of the performers?' He caught on eventualy though. She asked if I wanted to smoke a cigarette outside and John said he'd come too, but then he was like 'unless..' and I was like 'yeah maybe not.' Lol. Airhead. He also said 'Marcy? Can I call you Marcy?' when she introduced herself which was kind of OD. Anyways I smoked outside with her and flrited. It'd be more obvious later but she really wanted to seduce me into going home with her.
WyzeCrackWorld absolutely crushed his set. Incredible live performer. Heaven's gate and chains off were so good. The little 'put your 5000 on display' jits were up next. It was pretty weird. They were so fried. Marceline took hella good pics with her digi of everyone. She said she was worried people were annoyed but I reassured her no, that people wanted her to take photos. Everyone always wants photos. We freestyled as a cypher during mouseman's set and it was sick. I said something like 'shoutout Pauly out in delco, my shoes retarded they got velcro' and that's all I remember. Some people were clearly using rehashed bars, but it's ok. I was feeling adrenaline fr. Relaxito's set was a bit of a vibe change. He's nice with it but I think it's pretty clear the other guys got a little weirder with it. Well-recieved set tho. He has a brand and gave me a keychain. Called grinn-moore or something like that. A nice pun telling people to 'grin more' but also close to 'grimoire.' My set went really well I think. I played 223 again. Said RIP kudz and said any money I made from the show would go to his parents' gofundme (I made none). I pulled everyone in mad close and turned the fuck up. Everyone was moving around. Before my set I told the sound guy he could turn my gain down, but he didn't listen. With later songs it didn't matter as much but after looking back at videos of 'im a painter,' it's clear my vocals were too loud. It's ok though, everyone loved it. Mouseman said I have great producers, to which I said thanks, but I also produce a lot of my own stuff. John really really loves 'she's not cutty.' I liked doing it live. Everyone chopped it up outside and Marceline asked for a ride back, and we obviously agreed to give her one. I repeated we were gonna go to this party downtown and she said 'I wanna party.' I had already been planning to meet this really cute and stylish girl Dorothy at the lava market party, but it was starting to look like I'd be attached to Marceline all night. Truth be told I felt a lot more attracted to her and confident tonight.
We drove back. The most notable things were that she told John she used to work at Dicks and that she supports the Seattle nudists. Nudity is totally legal in Seattle and some individuals are iconic. I actually would see a lot of nudists in the coming days. Mostly Sunday. I don't support the nudists but I kept my mouth shut. I get the philosophy that bodies shouldn't be inherently sexual but, I think unfortunately they are. At least in our society, which yknow, we live in.
We got back to John's briefly and got an uber to the lava market. Marceline lives to be treated, so I bought her a gin and tonic. She has me light all her cigarettes for her too. She's so fancy. Lava market was cool. So many people were drunk. I didn't know anyone there so I didn't really socialize. Angel was there but she was all over the map. I kinda just grinded on Marceline. She said something about how she likes how much I praise her and that a lot of guys are transphobic. She likes that I touch, kiss, and grind on her publicly. It's second nature to me and she's super hot and I don't care if she's trans but I guess some people she fucks do. So weird to me. She succeeded in seducing me. I apologized earlier, I think it was when I first saw her at lucky liquor, for being a drunk buffoon, but she said it was fine. I'm glad she was compelled to see me again.
We ubered to her place (I obviously paid). She had me take her heels off her. At this point I couldn't wait to fuck. The night before she said something about having converted guys into foot worshippers and she really might have done it to me. I huffed her heels and stroked my dick while she douched. This was some of the best sex I'd ever had. She sucked me off at first, which meant we had the green light to hit raw. I put my dick in her really slowly and she almost couldn't take it. Watching her smile widely but still shake while I put it in was so hot. She huffed her poppers and we went straight to it. We fucked for so long. I came so fucking hard. She told me to get her pregnant and I went along with it, telling her I was going to do just that. I came so hard I could hardly control myself. I think some of the euphoria came from finally cumming from fucking an ass. It felt different and it felt so good. We cuddled, made out, and kept fucking more. It was so hot to watch her smile widely while I fucked her. She's so cute. And the noises she made turned me on so much. I was so hard and completely unworried about getting soft. I was so turned on. Eventually I said I wasn't gonna be able to cum again and she mentioned that we could fuck in the morning. I said I kinda wanted to trek back to capitol hill and she was bummed. I went to check my phone and Johna actually texted me 15 minutes prior that he was probably gonna fuck Federica, Gavin's new roommate. I had egg on my face telling Marceline this and asking if I could sleep over. She joked that I could sleep on the streets. But she was actually really excited that I was sleeping over.
I don't know if I entioned this but some tweaker asked to take Marceline's photo with her digi outside the lava market. He was looking her up and down and I could tell what he was tryna do, so I slid up on her. I don't look very good in the photo but it was a nice memory.
Also Marceline mentioned she had a boyfriend who cheated on her who was currently on a trip riding trains. I think she also had a girlfriend too. She was just hyped we had so many comon interests. I think it's hard for her to find people like that. I fell asleep pretty easily.
Woke up around 4:30am. The cat was pretty active all night so I don't know if it was his rustling or the fact that it felt like 7:30am to me. John woke up at 8, but slpet an extra five minutes until his 8:05 alarm went off. I shot right up out of bed and he told me he'd get ready, then we could head out at the same time. I took the bike out of the garage and he dipped. I walked to this place called Vivace coffee on broadway, which actually had a really good iced americano. I took 3 shots and the coffee wasn't bitter at all.
Walked back and got set up for my therapy appointment. It wasn't a very heavy one. I told her about my bike accident, how I feel guilty about travelling and having fun, how the music stuff is going, how Adam and I talked a lot about responsibility and how people think we're stupid before we show how organized we are, how Chris dealt with the pg cold shoulder, about Kudzai dying, and about the breakup. One thing in particular: I mentioned how my conversation with Pat helped me realize I'm not the only person who goes through this 'devilization' in breakups. i think Pat is a great person and deserves some grace. I'm not gonna say I'm a great person, but I also think I deserve grace. We shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. Well, I didn't leave this appointment thinking I had much to work on, but it was nice.
Showered, got ready, and left to get some breakfast at this place 'Lost Lake' John recommended to me. Biked over and got a breakfast burrito + a bloody mary. Both were really good. They have their own house mix. The burrito wasn't too gnarly, which I liked. Still, this combo cost $43 and caused me so much fucking gerd. I'm not eating expensive again on this trip. Walked around the corner to a thrift store, which I honestly came up at. funky hat I wanna put patches on, a nice tee shirt for tomorrow that has a bunny with headphones on it, and a brown john varvatos belt that's a really weird material.
Also went to this really expensive streetwear vintage store around the corner. Starting to realize what capitol hill's all about. I looked around for a second before realizing I wouldn'-t find anything here for myself, but asked the guy working there, who was old enough to be the owner (he was) if he had any magnets. That'd be a nice gift to bring back for the whole apt. His name was Rio and he put me on to a lot of cool stuff in the area. In particular, he told me Oddfellows is a really expensive restaurant but they do a $5 burger and fries hapy hour every day from 3-5pm. It was nice to chop it up with him. I went to the record store also around the corner and found a really cutty looking copy of the mix up by the beastie boys for $7. There was a little lable on the inside that said it was for promotional use only. Stopped by the skateshop nextdoor, which I guess is the 'main' Seattle shop, and said what's up real quick. Kinda awkward but they gave me 2 stickers. Stopped into this bookstore and tried to find comments on the society of the spectacle. Also checked out their Bolaño section and they had a shit ton, but all too expensive. Wasn't worth it. I biked to an exclusively used bookstore and they didn't have comments either. They only had one bolaño book in a really weird edition that looked modern and gross, and it was a big hardcover. No Pynchon. I asked if I could sell my copy of Death in Midsummer, or maybe trade, and they told me I'd get $2 in cash. I took the $2. I figured I could buy a cigarette off someone or leave a tip. Went to the park next to broadway and hacky sacked for a little. Hit a stretch and felt good. I got 13 touches. Walked down the street to get a big essentia. Went back to the park and asked some cutty gay emo fools for a $1 cigarette. They just gave it to me and took the dollar without saying anything. Iced. I finished reading 2 songs. This poor woman sitting near me had this guy selling crystal bracelets walk up to her and talk nonstop for way too long, and I mean like 20 minutes, about self-improvement, crystals, sex, fetishes, attractions, what kinda women he likes, marriage, celibacy, etc. Mostly sexual stuff. Mostly stuff that would get you sent to HR. He finally left and walked up to me, and when he asked me if I liked crystals I said something like "not really, sorry," and he walked off. I finished reading two songs and was about to leave the park, but before that I said to the woman sitting near me "I can't believe he talked for that long." She was immediately ecstatic that I was equally weirded out by him as she was. And she was clearly not from the US. I don't know where from, but she had some kind of accent. She said, "well at least I have something to write about in my diary." He was really too much. I couldn't stop thinking, "oh my god, does he hear himself" while he was going on and on. On top of that, some other guy was blasting music not far off. It was a little hard to focus. Anyways, she said she liked my jeans (trueys which I bought from fabii a long time ago), and I said thanks and that I like her swag. She said she liked mine too. I hope she enjoyed such a normal interaction after such a weird one. She seemed to.
Biked back to John's, pissed, unloaded my bag, tried on my new shit, and grabbed my laptop. Jetted to longfellows to ask about the $5 burger and fries from 3-5pm. Absolute cap from Rio, they had no idea what I was talking about. Went to Dick's, which is supposedly pretty famous and also recommended by Rio, instead. ~$6 burger. It was good and quick. Biked to Analog where I started writing this. It was raining outside, so I hope john's not bummed the bike got wet. Gonna bike back to his place now. It's 5:04pm.
Didn't get too wet. Got back to John's. Drank some Raniers and smoked a cigarette. Walked to Hillside to meet up with his homies. There was this nice fool from Virginia there named Aiden who wanted to chop it up with us. I drank this beer called a manny's I think. I got super tanked, honestly, which would be a little bit of an issue later. Gavin, who's John's like, main homie and his new subletting roommate Federica pulled up. They're mad nice. Angel, Analisa, and her boyfriend Scott pulled up. All really nice people. Scott's kinda basic but he's a hella nice dude. Chopped it up with Gavin the most, mostly about old music lore. He knows angelwinter and wells and shit. He didn't really know about wells finally getting ultra-cancelled. He knows about emorave and shit though.
Chopped it up, smoked stoger, and it was regular. I shoulda stayed but instead I walked near cal anderson (I think) to go hang out with this girl. Walked to this bar called La Dive and waited outside. Smoked a cigarette. I could feel how drunk I was. These two guys were posted up outside the bar next to it that had some karaoke going on. It was clear one was a lot cooler than the other and the other fool was tryna rizz the cool guy. What can ya do. The lame dude went home. Funny interaction to witness.
This girl pulled up, her name's Marceline. She was hella hot, I think she got top surgery. She's trans. We started chopping it up and pretty quickly it turned out she knows WyzeCrackWorld. She writes which is sick. Writes Ocelote. She told me she likes gundam and I said "yeoooo ur a real fag" and she actually got so bummed. I'm so stupid, why would I say that. I asked if I fucked up OD and she said it's ok, but then moved on pretty quickly. She said she doesn't even consider herself queer and that she's just a straight girl who happens to be trans. Obviously super valid. Goes without saying. I just wasn't thinking cuz I was sloshed. Anyways we talked about music lore, crazy shit as far back as juju, emo yardii, capoxxo, random shit like that. She had a drain gang zip up btw. We finished our bevsm she got a glass of red, and I asked what she wanted to do after this. She said 'have sex' and kinda laughed. I appreciate the straightforwardness but also I kinda like to be wined and dined. We walked to the gas station around the corner from Cal Anderson and got some beers. she got a Ranier and I got a modelo. She said I should be able to afford a modelo with my fish genetics job or something, to which I told her it actually doesn't pay that well. For boston it's mad regular. We walked around the park and she pointed out hella graff shit. I really showed how toy I am. Made out under a tree in the park. She used her tongue hella, which was really hot. She has such nice lips. We started walking to her place. She crossed some toy out and I asked if she wanted to get up. She did and told me not to get up near her so I was like allg, no worries, I'm not tryna get up. She's kinda awkward. We walked all the way to her apartment. It was a cool spot. Nice cutty decorations like dinosaurs, some old adidas shoes, hella plushes, a pc, lil knick knacks. Those ones stood out at least. She went to the bathroom, I assume to douche, for a while. She got back and we started making out and taking our clothes off. She had me take her socks off and she pulled my underwear off with her feet. Overall she was actually hella into feet worship. They were nice, honestly. She had me suck on one while she gave me a footjob with the other one. It felt really good when she used both feet on my dick, not gonna lie. I asked her if she wanted to suck my dick and she said she didn't wanna do anything unprotected, which is valid. I was pretty hard so I started fucking her. She really wanted to get drilled, not gonna lie, which was not rlly my swag at the moment. She got on top of me and started riding my dick after. I feel like at one point I asked her if she wanted to change positions and she was like "idk, you're the man," which was kinda like *shrug* ok. In the end, I kinda lost my hard on but she made out and cuddled and talked a little. She kicked me out cuz it was like 1:30 and she had to be at work at 6. We smoked one of the marlboros I bought earlier outside though.
Walked back to John's feeling kinda wack. For some reason I just didn't want her to tell WyzeCrackWorld I'm lame. I overthink though. Especially after a hookup with someone who is friends with ppl I know. Walked all the way back to John's. Walked by a bar and that cool gay dude who was outside the karaoke bar was there with like 3 other fools. This really drunk woman was the first one who said anything to me, actually. I chopped it up with them real quick. Drunk fools. Before I got back to John's place I was thinking about what happened to the condom. I thought "no way," reached into my pants, and it was still on my dick! I yanked it off and threw it down a storm drain. That's how drunk I was.
Got back to John's. Hobbled up the stairs with my fucked up leg, and knocked as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Woke up slightly after 6. Decided I'd shower when I got home from work, before going to the airport, so I wasn't in a huge rush to get going. Drank my dunkin coffee. Hung out with Coffee for a while. I'm gonna miss her. Biked to work.
Ezra texted me twice last night: 'hehehe im sure shes perfect :)' in response to me saying Coffee's stubby. Then, an hour and a half later they sent a photo of a cute tuxedo cat, which I don't think is there's, but is really cute. I'm doing that thing where i hyperventilate when I think about them, which I only ever really did for the fiddler. Speaking of the fiddler, I'm going to hit her up probably Sunday or Monday to say I hope she's been well. I'm gonna acknowledge that I know she's super busy, but that I'd love to see her before her big tour. She's leaving July 10th. So I have Tuesday the first through Wednesday the 9th to see her. She's so confusing. She was implying we could link in cali in August but hasn't hit me back in almost 2 weeks. What's up with her. She views my story and shit. Eh, it's whatever. If I really think about it, our little situationship isn't that realistic. I just wanna crack. She's so my type, but not really.
Updating on 250526 at 3:52 PST at Analog coffee on Capitol Hill in Seattle. After I left work I jetted to Lulu's for wing wednesday. This is the earliest I'd ever gone, I think, which is weird. I stopped by Buried Treasures to pick up a new hacky sack. They had ones from Guatemala. They felt really good and that there was enough leeway for them to get loose over time. I got a blue one with a white flower with a yellow florette. One on either side. Got to Lulu's and Bill wasn't there. Ate my wings and it made me axious because I don't like eating inside. It feels like I'm under a micriscope, especially with a messy food like wings. I was feeling so out of it, possibly due to the heat. Ate my wings and left. Realized I forgot to go to comicazi and get some little gogos figurines as gifts for the homies I'm seeing in Seattle- my signature. Biked all the way to Davis but stopped at revival for an iced americano with an extra shot, then locked my bike and ealked to comicazi. Got 8 figurines, which was $16 in total. I asked if there was the possibility of a bundle discount, but the price is firm.
Here's where it happens. Biked back from Davis. At the intersection of North Harvard and storrow this asshole (probably construction) in a truck sped up and almost turned onto storrow while I had the right of way. He yelled "look up" at me but I didn't have the energy to retort. I had the right of way, the green light. Get down most of N harvard, tons of annoying construction. There's some construction next to the bus stop closest to trader joe's and cars are being halted, which I realized later. I tried to join the full lane and the driver in front of me, a crossover, broke abruptly. I tried to skid but it was far too late. I accepted I'd slam into this car and it would be embarassing. What I did not expect was for their rear window to completely shatter. I looked around and everyone, including a cyclist who had the brains to get off their bike and walk around the construction on the sidewalk, had their mouths ajar. Everyone forgot quickly and kept going along with their day, though. After the initial shock, when I realized I was fine, I approached the driver's window. She was an older woman, classically New England. She seemed nice but no-nonesense. She asked me if I was alright and told me she'd pull over. She pulled over and I walked over to her window. She walked out and asked if I was alright again. I said yes, but she saw my right arm bleeding profusely and a concerned look fell over her face. She immediately grabbed a pack of tissues, took one out and handed it to me, then told me to actually just take the whole pack. After we were all calm, she lamented that this car was actually a rental (good news on my end, I think). Looking at the window, she told me to just go, that she'd tell the rental company that someone hit the car and sped off. I think I was in the wrong, no, I know I was in the wrong, but I have no idea what the legal perspective would be. I accepted her proposition and started walking home. A short walk. 10 minutes from where I was. I was bleeding all over the place, but I was ok. After a few minutes passed I realized my right thigh was starting to get sore. Sfe with this one spot, a really small surface area, above my ear. I had some glass debris on my neck and on my arm I got off in the shower. All in all, I was extremely lucky.
Wrapped my arm in some of those tissues + duct tape after I showered. I pretty much just organizedm cleaned, packed, and left for the B line. It was still so hot out. I was in a little shock. I stopped by cvs to get a water and some big band aids. I went outside and removed my tissues/duct tape and applied them. I listened to outside world on the train ride. B line to blue line to shuttle. Everyone on the shuttle was really annoying. There were some weird kids who kept touching me inadvertantly, but their parents weren't very dilligent.
TSA was really annoying. I don't know why I felt so dumb this day. I put both my laptops on top of each other which made them re-scan all my shit. After, I wandered through the termical and decided to eat some tater tots and drink a beer at the harpoon restaurant. Shoortly after, they boarded my flight. There was a little fiasco where my seat was wrong, but I ended up getting a better one. Plane took off and I slept a little. I tried to read more of Death in Midsummer but truly couldn't keep my eyes open. I finally finished it though, and started reading 2 Songs. Got halfway through. I was way more hyped on it than Death in Midsummer. Ed's so funny. I love the way he says crap, hyper, hipsta, and mothafucka. I don't even know what he means by hyper, but he's himself. He's good at writing as himself. The plane ride itself was not very pleasant. I just felt really sweaty and like my balls were constantly itchy. The guy witting next to me, who I think was gay, and was also travelling with a really attractive and recently pregnant woman, was watching The Town, which was cool. The flight was finally over, I deboarded quickly, and John told me he was on his way. At this point my leg was ridiculously sore. Still thought I was fine, which was probably true. John was like 2 hours late to pick me up, not gonna lie. Apparently traffic was fucked. I just scrolled on feeld for a while.
At this point it was getting close to 3am on my internal clock. I told this baddie from hinge that I probably wouldn't be able to hang out tonight, which was too bad, because she was really hot. John finally pulled up and we dorve to his place. He took a bit of a longer route to show me around, although it was at night, so it was kind of hard to see landmarks. We cracked open some Raniers, sat outside, smoked some cigarettes, he showed me the bike he set up for me, and we knocked. His cat terrorized me a little.
Woke up a little after 6 and immediately stepped out to get some coffee. Eamon was awake and said what's up to me. He noted how I took the AC out. I shoulda warned him, so I said 'my bad,' but he didn't seem to actually care. I thought I was gonna shit myself while walking to dunkin but I actually just needed to fart a lot. Always happens when I eat that sausage from TJs.
Drank my coffee, showered, and stepped out. Regular.
Reminder to self to write a lot about what the phage story website could be. Fern also wants to be heavily iinvolved and create an infinitely recursive, never-ending pathway site full of links and holes. I want to present it in a way that John would be interested in. We want to create a unique alternative educational experience.
Read Rohit Lekhi's Futureloop/Black [Bedlam] from CCRU's swarm1. As far as futureloop, I understand it as anti-serialized time and a recount of the several ways society stratifies. Kinda quizzical in the remixing of historical events for emphasis on a current theme. Lekhi doesn't jump back in time, only forward into the past. I like the idea of everything that will happen/what we will be, already having happened. Is it a pessimistic/defeatist sentiment. In Black [Bedlam], Lekhi indirectly calls the self-other principle fascist, which I agree with. Paralysis through analysis casues schizmatic episodes, and not the good kind of schizo. He gets convictional when he says "Arborescence demands silence - anti-cult de-programming techniques must be executed," I think. It's hard to follow because he also implores that we "surrender to the centre," which seems counter-productive to his argument. A good text I should return to.
Wish I thought of some kind of gift to bring Seb and John. Trying not to think about Ezra.
I just realized it has taken me damn near 2 months to finish Death in Midsummer. Wow that sucks. I gotta step up the pace fr. This is cringe. No wonder why I feel so dumb. Yes, I've read more articles and essays, but I need to finish something. Will read 2 songs by Ed and comments on the society of the spectacle by guy debord next. Wait, I forgot I also read From Hell. Makes me feel less bad, but still.
Left work a little before 3. So hungry and over everything. Stole an apple from the Engert Lab but it wasn't enough. Jetted home and ate the rest of my pasta. I really should have grinded/organized but I was waiting to meet up with Cam, who kept postponing our meeting time. Eventually she bailed, so I just showered and drank hella beer and tried to finish Lost Highway. I drank 6 beers before my date with this derpina.
I had about 25min left of the movie but Eamon, Alex, and Jojo pulled up to the crib. I kicked it with them for a second while I drank my last modelo. Good to see Jojo. Fatcap's doing a show at the Middle East on Saturday. So bummed I'm missing it. Dawg's so morose. I know they're quiet but I hope they're ight.
Biked to trader jeos to grab some mints then went on my date with this derpina Kate. I think someone drove by me twice and shouted my name. Second time around I'm pretty sure I saw Pat and heard his name. Looked at my phone and he called me. Biked to the last drop in oak square. Really sweaty but it was fine, idc. There were barely any people in the bar, but Eddie was supposed to go on a date there in like an hour or something. Lexy from the sil was there. She was kinda staring cuz she didn't recognize me at first, but then we chopped it up for a second.
Kate was way more basic than I thought she was gonna be, not gonna lie. Kind of bitch to go to Boston Calling, and she has. We got along fine though. I feel like she was kinda a nervous nelly, but it was ok. We played fake cricket on the dartboard, meaning only 3 points every hit. We actually were tied up til the end before I got a bullseye. Asked if she wanted to do anything after and I mentioned going to her place because she lives around the corner, which she was down for. I drank 3 high lifes at the last drop and she drank one summer ale, which I paid for. We stopped by 7-11 and she bought a 6er of high lifes cuz I won.
Went to her place and kicked it for a half second before we got to the deed. She was tick as fuck, not gonna lie, but it turned me on a lot. Maybe I wouldn't be as turned on if I had cum within the past week, but it had been about a week, so I was tearing at the seams. She did have really nice lips, to be fair. She was a little meek with the tongue until I told her I liked when she put it down my throat, then she went crazy with it. It was so fucking hot out, and her room had a fancy AC, mostly cuz of her dog, but we were still so sweaty. It was a turn on for sure. She went to the bathroom to take her tampon out and I put a condom on. Truth be told, I wasn't full hard when she got back, so I had her suck me off a little, then I put the condom back on and fucked her. I think she enjoyed it. Her sweat tasted good and she liked when I sucked on her nipples, which were pretty big and soft. We didn't fuck for super long, which is too bad because I thought I might make her cum with just my dick. I told her she was gonna make me cum super fast and she said she wanted me to. I busted in her and she kept moving so it was a slightly ruined orgasm, but nonetheless, it was good. She said I have a skewed view of what cumming fast is because most guys cum much faster than I did. Not sure how true that is, but whatever. I offered to eat her out a couple times but she said 'I truly can't imagine that being a pleasant experience.' Fine by me, I didn't want to stick around much longer anyways. We kicked it and talked for a while. She said she's realy into bondage and roughness, and I said I wish I knew that before. She actually said it's kinda weird when someone's rough right away, so it was fine. She said she'd hit me up again. I drank 3 of the high lifes she bought in total. Headed home.
Stopped by Pizza Etc and they gave me a whole pie + 3 slices for the price of a slice. So goated, I tipped $6. A thank-you to Nick and Eamon for watching coffee. It wasn't easy to bike home with the pizza in my bad but I made it happen. The guy working there asked if I was just getting off work and I said yes.
Got home and stole one of Nick's Gansetts from the fridge that I bought him, so I gotta go to TJs tomorrow and replace it. In total 13 beers over the course of the night. Just kinda scrolled on my phone before I knocked.
Jumped out of bed. Too hot not to. Also knew I slept horribly so I didn't want to accidentally sleep through alarms. So hot too. Got a coffee from Dunkin and drank it while doing nothing in the living room.
Ed's new book '2 songs' actually did come in the mail, so I'm hyped to read. Gonna try to finish Death in Midsummer and read 2 songs on the plane to/from Seattle. Would be good to have in case John sleeps in at any point or I can't fall asleep or something.
Got to work at 8:06. Hit some nice skids on the way. Riding fixed is becoming second nature. I was worried biking would suck cuz of my bug bite but it's much less swollen and my leg is barely sore today. I kinda risked it by going in the lake yesterday, but I'm fine.
When Kara got to work we talked about our weekends. She got dubbed by this guy she was interested in, I told her about Ezra. I told her I'm really glad I'm travelling more but that I also want to chill out. I am happy though. Feels like I haven't been working super hard lately, but I've been making the most of life and getting active. That's what it's for.
Very glad I got to work early and I can leave early. Wish I was hanging out with Cris, but I have things to do. Would be nice to cook a little meal. I gotta clean and pack too. I gotta move my AC from Eamon's room into mine. Hanging out with Cam tomorrow. I was really hoping I'd hang with Cris tonight, but it's ok. Maybe I'll try to find some guy to blow me on the apps. I'm a little pent up.
Don't think I'll do much besides pack tomorrow, but this person from the apps who I think is probably gonna be kinda boring wants to hang. Well, they seem basic, but Nick's had this theory recently that basic pun pun rules, so maybe it'd work. I think Cam and I are hangin at 5, so maybe I can go to the sil with this shawty at 8 or 9 then mosy to my place. I gotta do laundry and clean today. No music or anything though, I guess. It's ok, I assume I'll have downtime on the planes to and from Seattle + while I'm there.
I wanna buy my plane tickets for sd and the bay today. In the fucked up scenario that Nick bails on hitting the bay, I think it'll still be fine. I can just get a bus from SD to the bay much later or something. I will do this tonight, I swear. I also wanna finish Lost Highway.
Feels so good to finally be caught up on this damn site.
Called with Wyatt and figured out what tatt I want him to redraw and tatt on my leg. Decided on a drawing of two birds. He sent his re-drawing really quickly and it looked amazing. I'm so excited. We decided on Monday the 7th of July. He also sent me flicks of the piece he did with ted the night before with the burning american flag that they then touched up to just be the flag unblemished, then just covered with crew shit. Understandable. Note to self: Never actually make this site public to anyone.
Updating 250624 at 8:17am.
Left work at ~3pm. Was so chaotic that I actually fucked up some reaction plating and put it on the wrong antibiotic. Sorry Isabelle :/. That's what happens when there's too much to do.
Stopped by TJs. Got some spicy italian sausage, arugula, tomato basil sauce, mushrooms, and rigatoni. Cooked as soon as I got home. Ate and left the dishes to soak. Washed my sheets and put away my clothes, but first I finally moved my AC from Eamon's room. Actually painfully hot out. Couldn't really stay awake. Drank like 6 modelos over the course of the night too. Finished the bag of salt and vinegar chips I got yesterday. Feeling super fat. Sprayed the neon yellow vans I got from F&F black. Rode out for a second to get some beer and skid around a little. Watched a recent MASH upload, which was bonus from 2007 I believe, and felt inspired. They're truly so nice with it though. Riding so far up on the bars and skidding so long it's damn near a nose wheelie.
Tried to watch an episode of the oblongs and I actually liked it a lot. I understand harto's song now: 'least i got my head on my shoulders, bob oblong.' It's not just cuz bob oblong doesn't have any limbs, but also because it seems like a central theme in the show is being grateful for what you have. I could tell off rip, they layed it on thick.
Also tried to finish lost highway but couldn't keep my eyes open. Went to bed but woke up a million times. Didn't want to have the AC on all night. Got hella matches and messages from hinge and feeld though, which honestly, was nice. Gave Ezra my # and woke up to a text from them. They actually have an incredible flash piece of an apple with arrrows in it that I would actually really want to get on my chest.
Cam and I are meeting up tomorrow. I want to talk more about the manifesto and themes and ideas, but also emphasize that once there's a deadline, everything will feel more material.
Bought my plane tickets to SD and from SF. Could take the amtrak from SD to SF but it'd take a whole day. Only $60 though.
Meeting up with this derpina Kate at The Last Drop tomorrow. I'm glad she asked if I wanted to hit the sil still because I was able to say 'yeah, but it's my go-to so I'm down to try something new.' Would also like to go to her place and leave of my own volition to pack and get ready for my flight, etc, so ideally we'd chat and get some darts in, go to her place, smash, and I could leave. I want to bike there on top of everything.
Lazed all day. Woke up with an insect bite I must have gotten from the park yesterday or the day before. Swollen bottom of my shin, just above the ankle. Leg sore. Really struggling. Eamon and Eddie came by and I hung out for a second. Figured I wasn't gonna skate so I drank early. Got another one of those trader Joe's Italian Wraps cuz they're good. Pretty horny, honestly. Stoked my dick a little to some porn but didn't cum. That one trans girl eater Cris dubbed me. We will probably link when I get back from Seattle. I updated a lot of the past 6 days of this site instead of reading, which would have been a good use of time. I can't wait to read Ed's book, 2 songs. I trekked to crystal lake to meet nick and isaac. Nick just got back from NYC and went straight there. His laptop got stolen so he came back a little early. Fern called me when I got on the train to say he was at the lake too. I listened to outside world. Pop Quiz made me tear up.
Hung out at the lake with everyone for a little. Wasn't the best vibe. Grassy side, getting dark, shallow water. I was so tired. Brought some brews but no one drank any. A lot more dirt on the grass side, a little dirtier. Was good to see Lauren after like a month I think. Maybe 3 weeks. We dipped shortly after I arrived. Fern and Lauren left but Isaac, Nick and I drove to Mango Tango to get food. They were closing so we went to Lee's. Nick got the Teriyaki burger as a chicken sandwich. I got the chicken sandwich. It looked mid but it was actually gas and pretty cheap.
Drove home, drank another brew, and pretty much knocked right away.
Slept horribly, but waking up gave me the chance to intermittently text this Seattle person Ezra who I matched with earlier in the day. They matched with me and messaged me first. Their profile said long-term open to short, but I saw it change to short-term after actually, which is good for my cause. They're fucking BAD I'm not gonna lie. I would fucking wife them. I looked through Moquick's followers/following and found Ezra's ig pretty quickly. They go by plasmapokes and do tatts. They're hella up and have a face tatt now that wasn't on their hinge. I'm usually not into the no eyebrows but I like their lined eyebros a lot. They seem enthusiastic to link while I'm there and I'm really excited. Trying not to get my hopes up.
Wyzecrack called me at like 2:30am to say he wants to change the venue, which is fine I guess. I just need to make a new flyer. Exp is going to some kinda outpatient thing so he can't edit the OG one. I'll just try my best to make a new one.
Tried not to wake up too late. Woke up at like 7:30. Horrible decision. Got some dunks and shit, lazed for a second, then jetted to work to feed the fish. Finished that up, got a bowl of ramen from Santouka, then knocked out when I got home.
Couldn't sleep very well. So hot out and very bright. Woke up to a text from Adam Netburn at around quarter to 1pm. It was a photo of Nakhiya and him on the T line accompanied by 'guess where we are?' I responded immediately and we made a plan to meet up. I just showered and drank another large iced dunks coffee with oat milk and biked to faro.
Adam and Nakhiya were in Porter for some shoe repair for an Italian leather shoe company. Apparently 'Drinkwaters'is the only place that has the branded sole for this shoe company in North America. I wonder how they found that out. I should have asked. Theme for hangout: a lot to talk about, so a lot of chaotic spewing.
Got to Faro earlier and called Carter, Dillon, and Fern to ask if they wanted to come hang out and what the plan was for Vinny's darty. Cart was down to come thorugh but Fern was preoccupied with a bone broth he was making.
Adam and Nakhiya pulled up and it was great to see them. Nakhiya told me about a play she's been working on. She just held a preview but the play itself will be played once in october. I really don't want to miss it. JJ, who apparently I met at Lexy's party, was working Faro and gave us a free cold brew. I gave it to Isaac. Frogot to say I asked Isaac and Meera to pull up. Lexy said hi briefly but jumped right behind the counter and started working. Adam, Nakhiya, Meera, and I sat outside. We walked to F&F actually, and Nakhiya found a lot of stuff. Tried a lot of it on for a while. Amelia gave me her old reading glasses. Never been so hyped in my life, not gonna lie. They're bright red frames with multicolor-striped arms. Very loud. I said this to Adam and he said, "you're loud," to which I replied, "Are you sure?" I also bit the bullet and bought these big sneeze collab vans that are neon yellow. I'm gonna spray them but I needed some new shoes for riding. They're much better than the margielas. I entered the speaker raffle for $7.
Waited outside for Nakhiya and Adam, but Meera had to go home. Burger biked by and we said hi briefly. He was wearing such a brolic helmet and some of those viper shades. I don't know if that's what they're called, but I think they're named after a snake. He said he saw Alisa while they were here which Kinda bummed me out. Whatever, I'll facetime them soon. I saw them on feeld the entire time they were here. They were under the name 'Sybil.' They're bad, I'm not gonna lie. And they have swag + aren't a dumbass either.
Adam, Nakhiya, Isaac, and I trekked to Cambridge Commons and drank some brews while chopping it up. Adam and I got a 6er of high lifes while Nakhiya got a slice from Joe's. The cashier at Cardullo's was a riot. He was weird. Adam said he probably thought we were cute.
Talked a lot about Philly, business, how friends are doing, who's fucked in Philly (which I wasn't that hyped on). Adam grinds. He inspires me to be organized. Nakhiya and Adam left but said they could be down to hit unheard later. Isaac and I biked to LA park to see who was there. Amino fools were there, which was unexpected. I said hi to everyone and said I should come chill sometime soon. Particularly dope to see Demarco. Said what's up to Thomas and gave my condolences.
Isaac and I biked to Vinny's darty but got some beer from blanchard's beforehand. Puled up and chopped it up with everyone. Talked to Tripp more than I ever have before in particular. Talked to Boris and Will a lot as well. Talked to Cooper hella. Didn't really realize he was super gay like that. Carter pulled up. Shit was hectic. Played some more of that game where you close your eyes, spin, and try to crush a can. Talked to Maggie for a while. I don't think she's that hyped on me. Julia came up, idrk why I keep doing that since it's clear I'm getting dubbed. I should hit her up before the tour though. Ugh. Whatever, it's not like it was a match made in heaven. There are a lot of fish in the sea.
Ate a trader joe's chicken sausage on the bottom half of a burger bun. Those always make me burp and fart hella. Arthur killed it DJing, especially the boricua shit he spun. I got so tanked, honestly. Carter and I were supposed to do some songs after it got dark but that dude Jae fucked up the sound so fucking bad. He's actually retarded. Fucking idiot wasn't paying attention at all.
Carter and I left kinda bummed. He went home but Isaac and I biked to Cambridge for the unheard show. We stopped by my crib first. We were super early so we chilled on prospect hill for a second. I tried to take a 30minute nap in the grass but couldn't wake up. Slept through the alarm (again) and Isaac took a really funny video. I woke up and he told me to go home. I could barely keep my eyes open and there were still 1.5-2 hours before Dru was supposed to spin. Biked home and knocked. Woke up at 2:30am cuz Eamon called me looking for za. Felt so bad I missed the show but I just had to sleep.
Slept in. Felt like shit. Bullshitted again at work. Left work and chilled at the crib for a little before hitting LA park. Dev was there. Jared was very tlakative with me which never happens. I landed a lot of my tricks then shotgunned a beer. Shotgun 2 days in a row after 6 years shotgunnless. I felt like shit.
Got the Italian wrap from trader Joe's, which was good, got 2 tall boy PBRs, then hung out with Dru, Miller, and Tim at the monument. It was a blast. I love Miller. Feels like the first time we ever gelled. Kept crackin jokes. I was pretty much done with my sesh but right before we dipped I tried my back-50 impossible on flat line and stuck it really nice on my last try. Made me so happy.
Went back to Eric and chilled on the porch. Mikey and Luca pulled up for a while, then they went inside to smoke weed and watch futurama. Dru's homie from college pulled up. I forget their name but I had definitely met them before, just not sure where. They were nice. I told Dru how hyped I was for his show. Went back home and called Pat to see if he wanted to ride. We met up at the sil. Sil bartender said "can't get away from you!" lol. It had been 2 days at the sil in a row. Tried to throw some darts real quick and sip a drink. Alia was there. She was on the jury for the Karen Reade trial the past few months. For some reason I thought that was in Australia. She said people have been spreading sumors about Justin or something. Idk why but she told me to not repeat what she was saying and I said 'I don't care about any of those people," which may have been harsh. I talked to her friend Kate for a sec about biking and got her number.
When Pat and I were leaving, I closed out and the bartenders told me Nick got axed from the sil. I think it was for fighting. I hit him up to see how he's doing.
Pat and I rode to cambridge, then somerville, then chilled in prospect park for a second. We talked about Vi and Carrie and their similarities. I already felt pretty dusted. It was a great view. Pat said he hadn't seen it before. Then, we biked to cutty north Somerville and into Charlestown. From Charlestown we cut into the North End, then downtown, chinatown, then we hung out at Reggie for a while. Tried to do tricks, tried each other's bikes, drank another beer. Caught some tags. It got to be nearing 4am and we jetted home through the South end, then up Harvard ave through Brookline and Upper Allston. Got home at 4:30. Such a good bike ride. I was so dusted.
Fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
I think it was a normal day at work. I can't remember anything. I was super worried I'd be late for cg's show. Cart pulled up to my spot like right after I got out og the shower. We hopped out and jetted over.
We hung out in the back of mycelium, fka the alamo, and smoked cigs and talked shit. Marrow kept tryna talk to us. They're kinda guts. Not in a cool cutty way. Apparently they were staying at Pasta Planet and got kicked out because they went a little nuts and wrote on the walls and shit. I remmeber the first time I met them their breath reeked of dick.
Cart and I were by far the oldest people there. It was a little strange. cg had the most swag out of everyone in their crew. This one kid wearing a mask the whole time, I think their name was tacoricky or something, was pretty cringe. Apparently they're 24 but tiny. Kinda weird to be mobbing with kids as young as cg. Selvyn was also nice but they are all so autistic. CG has the most swag of all of them by far.
Fern showed up right at the end. We chopped it up outside, bummed cigs, and talked about the ny show, future music, money, etc. Some fools joined our convo about Trotsky at one point. We went downstairs to say bye to cg and hand out a few stickers then dipped. We got a 12er of PBR tall cans and posted up in ringer park. Fern shotgunned a beer, then I did with him. I drank it so fucking fast. Kinda worrying haha. I hadn't shotgunned a beer in like 6 years probably.
We got super fucking tanked. Went to the sil and 'threw darts' (for like 1 min) and chopped it up with the locals. Vinny asked us to perform at his darty on Saturday and I reluctantly agreed. Went to sleep.
Woke up and immediately started getting ready for work. It was like 6am. I just wanted it to be obvious that I was tryna get going. I felt bad because maybe they really needed rest cuz of their chronic fatigue, but it's not like they could stay after I left. He woke up and i gave him water. We kinda cuddled a little, awkwardly. I think at one point I looked at them and exhaled a slight chortle, to which they said 'what?" Finally, I asked if they wanted to kiss, and eventually if they wanted to fuck again, and they said yes.
They felt so good. I came in him really fast. Right after, he said "well, now you need to go to work," which was true. I was gonna be a little late because I was horny. They definitely wanted me to take the bus with them, but I said I had somewhere to be after work so I had to bike. They didn't seem that hyped. It is now 5:10pm on 250622 and I haven't texted them since we met up on Tuesday. Not sure if I will. He's taking a 2-week long trip apparently. I told him to hit me up if he wanted to hang out again and he said maybe after the trip.
Biked to work after walking Nel to the bus. Was kinda worried I smelled like a condom or cum, but I think I was fine.
Had to work on so much planning bullshit with Niko. When it got to be around 3pm I told him I'd come back later, but I needed to eat. Biked to Lulu's.
Never eaten wings so fast in my life. Got just one Gansett. I think it got hella busy so I went inside to ask Bill to close me out. it was taking a really long time and I was the only outdoors customer. I kinda figured they forgot me. I told him I didn't wanna be rude but he appreciated that I came in and asked to close out. Easier for him.
Dropped stanza. Made a little animation for it that I liked. Used the big phage game of dots and boxes with Jonathan from February (Must have been february). I don't think it got as much love as I hoped because Eli dropped the same day.
Biked back to work. Pretty sure I had something I had to get done, but I left pretty shortly after showing up to go drink some beers and update this site in Perry park. I got eaten alive by mosquitos but just sucked it up. Actually got >12 bites for sure. At 6:30 I biked to Lincoln for Lexy's birthday picnic/hangout. I got there mad earlier than anyone else, so I biked back to work to take a shit and scroll on feeld for a little. When Meera told me she arrived I biked back.
Hung out with George and Meera. Amelia was there a little later, which was dope. Finally met her husband(?) Hakeem. She's so nice to me. Way nicer than I thought she'd be. Talked to Mae briefly as well. We never really hit it off in the past ~10 years. I can think of one day at lincoln park where I was trying front nosegrind shuvs where we had a good time and really clicked. Whatever. Their friend lewis was there and he tried to hacky sack with George and me. This person Madeline, who is honestly adorable, talked with me for a while. They gave me her card and I looked at their photo site the next day. They have a series about Mystic river. The river is only called that because it was originally called Missituk by Algonquins. I sent them an email about their pics. Also, they had a wipers shirt on. I asked them what it was and they're a band. I listened. They're good.
Also no one was drinking at this birthday thing. I didn't wanna be the only one. It sucks that I feel like I need to. Sometimes it feels like I need to to be social.
Wasn't feeling super fun at the little birthday linkup so I jetted home. I was really tired from the night before. I knocked really fast, I think. Can't really remember.
Finally got my phone screen fixed. Got 2 slices of pizza from that indian-owned pizza place it union. Regret it. Idk it was fine it was just a lot, and pretty early in the morning. I didn't need it.
I don't remember what happened on this day much at all. Ohm finally dropped burning sage, which was sick. For a moment I had no recollection of what I did after work, but now I remember.
After work I cleaned and organized my room / the rest of the apartment because I had a date later with this tboy Nel from hinge. We met up at the model. Kenny, little skater kid Nigel's dad, was bartending. He was so snippy with all the people trying to get drinks. It was funny. He seemed quite stressed. He took so long to take my drink order. He asked me how Philly was, which was unexpected. He told me he's going to Birmingham, England soon for the last ever Black Sabbath show. I got 2 miller high lifes and I got nel a gin and tonic, I think. I forget if that's what they got. I chugged the first high life really fast, worried it'd be a bad look if Nel pulled up and saw me with two beers. I'm an alcoholic but I don't want to look like one. Nel was running late. Splash zone was going on, which is a drag event on the third tuesday of every month. Nel pulled up and we chopped it up for a little while the performances were going on, but it was super loud, so we decided to hit the sil.
We hit it off. They told me a lot about theatre and puppetry. Apparently the bread and puppet theatre is a really big thing in the puppet world. They wrote a paper about how white-savior and eurocentrist a lot of the bread and puppet theatre's stuff is though. Tim was working bar. Anna was there. I definitely seemed like a local. We didn't smoke. After a drink we walked back to my place.
On the way to my place they tripped and told me about how they have POTS and probably EDS, so I shouldn't be worried if they trip or anything. Trying not to sound too morose I told them about how I've known people with a similar thing and I know it can be really hard. They go to emerson by the way, as a senior. I'm pretty sure they were 21. Possibly 22 but obviously not younger than 21. At the Allston bridge intersection they said something about how testosterone actually helped with their disorders' symptoms and said something about being a boy. I said they're a very handsome boy and we kissed. Went back to talking about theatre after.
We got to my place, chilled for a second, and pretty much got straight to the deed. As of the time writing this 250622 at 4:53pm, The details are a little fuzzy. I was also really drunk. They straddled me, kissed me on my face and body, and pulled my pants off. If it's not already obvious, I really like that action. They asked "is this ok?" before pulling my dick out of my pants and sucking it. They gave pretty good head.
Maybe this is rude to say, but obvioulsy it's just for me: They did not have very small tits. Must be frustrating if you're trying to wear a binder. They had swag though. Forgot to mention they were wearing a really cool button up shirt and tie. Had an eyebrow piercing and a septum. Very into lifting apparently. Must be hard in their condition. They live in Watertown and have some kind of pet. I think a cat. Coffee is such W rizz, especially since I don't have any photos of her on my apps or mention her.
The sex was bomb. I came in doggy, which is really really rare for me. I guess it had been 1 day short of a week since I last came, so I came really fast. I think they like, almost fingered their ass while we were fucking. They licked their thumb and ran it over their butthole. Idrk what that was. I told them I usually don't cum in doggy and they said "that tboy pussy goes crazy right?" Not wrong. Points to t-boys. Van also gripped right, and Nel was not very skinny at all like Van was. Maybe there's something to this tboy grip theory. I ate Nel out. They're really T-coded and called their clit a dick. They told me to suck it, rather than just lick it. I still fingered them. Actually, he was pretty hairy and it wasn't super easy to get the job done. I sucked them for a really, really long time before he came. I felt really good about it. They said they hadn't felt as good as I made them feel in a long time.
They were really tired so we hit the hay. I let them sleep over, which I never do.
Woke up with my phone screen completely fucked. Went to work. Working closely with Isabelle again. Extremely boring.
Went to get my phone replaced early in the day from the same place I got it fixed last time. Sadly, they were closed and only do mobile appointments some days now. Still ate a quick lunch at this place called Machu in Union Square. Peruvian sandwiches and chicken, etc. I got a sandwich because it was the cheapest thing. It was really nice and light, but actually wasn't great for my gerd. It came with too many fries. I felt bad throwing a lot away, but what could I do? It's better than if I forced myself to eat them, not gonna lie. Spending too much money.
Grinded for the rest of the day and left work. Biked home, chilled for a second, then took the bus + red line to porter to link Nick, Max, Meatball, and Ted. Max got a back smith on the out ledge that nick got bodied on smithing. Meatball was a riot. He was mad hyped on the sybau and labubu jokes, etc. I should hit him up to skate more. Maybe I can make a list of all the people I should hit up to skate and go through it whenever I'm tryna be outside.
Eamon, Eddie, and Alex came through. Eamon was all bummed because Jojo was hangin out but got bummed and left. After Max got the back smith, we all left for this ledge to cellar door at Leslie, actually right by my job, for shawnmac to noseslide into.
I have gone way too long since updating. It is now 3:45pm on 250622. Fucking up.
I skated flat as a warm-up and by the time I had done all my tricks (which included an impossible), shawnmac had finished landing his trick, which was for IG (I thought it was for Ted's video). They were all telling me to kickflip into the bank, but I was not rocking with that clip. We went a few steps into Lesley for Eddie to check out this double-barrel rail, which he ended up trying to boardslide for a super long time. He only committed a few times and got bodied. Got to talk to Max and Nick for a while though. Max is a really nice guy.
After Eddie gave up on the trick, partially due to it getting dark and him not committing very often, everyone dipped for Ted's place.
I wish I had updated this sooner. There are so many gaps. I don't remember much. Stopped by the crib and Max said bye to Leif. Talked to him for way longer than anyone wanted to, I think. We went to Ted's place and kicked it a little. I started FB'ing. They had really cool obstacles. I got to know Max better. Nick wanted to hem a tee. Dugan was there. Said hi briefly. Everyone was really hungry, but it took everyone so long to get out the door. Nick got a slice from Detroit pizza and they gave him a free one. I figured if I got a full pizza I'd save a lot for the next few days. I've been pretty glutonous lately. Acid reflux really bad too though. I got a large buffalo chicken pizza. Ted and Max got some kinda eggplant parmesan pasta, I think. Alex and Eddie had some leftover pizza from the night before.
We ate in oak square. Reminds me of that time Julia and I sat there. I remember her telling me pizza etcetera, which is around the corner from garden fresh pizza or whatever the name is, is really good. I asked Ted if that was true and he said it wasn't. He said he used to go to pizza etcetera until he realized the other place was better. I forget what Ted and I talked about. Nick got me a 6er of Narragansett. They were really warm honestly. I cracked one open and barely got a sip in before we started walking back. Ate a little pizza, watched a lil weird video, drank some beer. Good night.
Nick, Max, and I drove back to the crib. Nick went to sleep and I talked with Max a while more. Really nice guy. Hope to see him again someday. He was about to sleep on the couch before I told him Eamon wasn't gonna be home.
Fell asleep. Don't remember anything.
Had an alarm blaring in my ear and I didn't wake up. Jakob and Karonte had to yell at me to get up so I could turn the alarm off. When I got up it only took a little while for Carter to get up. We went and got coffees from the same spot. We got one for fern. We got up and left pretty quickly and went to this restaurant called 'Good Ol Days' where the food took a long time to come. There were a lot of families there for Father's day. All weekend a lot of people told us happy father's day.
Got a chicken sandwich, which might have been fried, especially cuz I had awful gerd, but it was good. The hash browns were unique. We trained to the bus pickup spot and waited outside Macy's for me to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. We hacky sacked outside for a while. This one dude said he liked our vibe and it turned out he was also taking the 11:30am to boston. We were almost a little late for the bus because I didn't realize how much time had passed, but we made it. The hacky sacking was so fun. I left it with fern though, which sucks. Bus ride was ok. I didn't do a whole lot at first, then I read murakami, then I slept. Got to boston an hours late and fern parted ways with cart and me. Then nearby the Christian Science center/berklee that kid who liked our vibe also parted ways. Carter and i walked to hynes. There was a red sox game so the streets were packed but the trains were surprisingly empty. He took the C and I waited for the B. As soon as I got home I fucking loafed.
Finally finished Mulholland Drive and started Lost Highway. I really liked the end of Mulholland Drive. It was almost quizzical in the way that plot points and devices were almost randomly rearranged to create a surrealist ending.
Nick and his homie Max got back from Providence and we kicked it for a second.
It is now 250619. It's hard for me to remember what happened so far this week. Finally have some down time to finish catching up.
Yeah I don't even remember what happened Sunday night. I feel like we hung out then hit the hay.
Woke up pretty early but cart wasn't awake yet, so I lazed about. I couldn't find the door code so I was confided to the apartment. Felt pretty shitty from the night before + barely sleeping. Cart eventually woke up and we stepped out to grab a coffee. It was from the spot Jupps brought me to the last time I was in NY. Got some big waters too.
I think it was approaching midday when Jonathan responded to my text and told carter and I to PU at like 2:30. Carter and I trekked to greenpoint and kicked it with Jonathan for a while. He showed me the hats and they looked really good. We discussed innovations, limitations, what would look good, what wouldn't. We also walked to this really nice deli and got sandwiches. I got a tuna sandwich with bacon and it was bomb. When we got back to Jonathan's we did some automatic writing and it went really well. Later on in the night Jonathan texted me excited saying he was really excited about all the quizzicalist stuff and that it was really fresh. What we wrote his here in a document called exercise. We moved and filled in different parts of what we were writing and almost 'battled' with each other. The battle quiz. This one's new. Actually really excited to practice this one with music. I even passed carter the laptop and he did some writing. These quizzes really make my brain feel huge.
Fern pulled up to Jonathan's by accident and we took the train back to bed stuy. I showed fern what we wrote and he was pretty hyped on it. He told me about this class he's taking, 'algorithms to live by,' which is about deterministic vs probabilistic algorithms. Deterministic algorithms have set instructions and hard-coded rules for execution, but probabilistic algorithms factor in uncertainty. To make up for your 'opponent' being unpredictable in a game, ot more broadly, the output being unrepdictable, incorporating randomness will actually increase the chance of winning. Slot machines, for example, have a set probability of reward, hard-coded by casinos, but something like roulette, barring the skill of the person performing the roulette actions, is completely random. In an adversarial scenario that is completely random, one has no clue what is in the algorithmic black box. On top of that, it might be changing. One needs to intriduce some level of randomness; one needs to change tactics. The chance of 'winning' is higher. The optimal random.
Showered when we got back to the B&U house. Some of the guys ubered to the show but I caught a ride with Wyatt and the other B&U guys. Karonte ended up calling out of work, thank fucking god. When we got to the venue, everyone got out but Wyatt and I went to go grab beers. I really like Wyatt. We went to this deli and they tried to charge me $30 for two 6ers of modelo. Cans too, fucking crazy. Ended up going to a grocery store down the street and finding a much cheaper option. I got two 12ers of delo for $30 total.
Got to the show and one of the only homies who pulled up was Chloe. I knew her in Boston before she transitioned because she dated this person Keer who was in the DG squad. Never really talked though. They insisted we skated at ruggles courts before but I barely remember. I will say she had the biggest fucking glow up of all time. She's really fucking sexy now. We talked for a while outside, smoking cigs etc, and she kept talking really close to me. I'm not gonna lie I felt some type of way about her. Maybe I'll see her some other time I'm in ny.
Was originally gonna stay pretty sober for the show but ended up getting really tanked. I don't remember much (iit's now 4 days later), but I remmber having a lot of fun with the autotune. Chris and Chandler had nice sets. Carter and Fern had great sets. B&U set was fun on a bun. I played 223 by 1shyd and lil guts ahead of my set. People started really jumping around to my set which was nice. The homie Jake Donovan from colllege pulled up with his girlfriend and this dude who I think I used to know in college but didn't recognize. Everyone went crazy and it was fun. Wish I remembered more words though. Anyways, after the show we all hung out the venue. Chris was drunk as fuck and wylin. We all went back to bed stuy and hung out at the basketbakk court. Everyone was balling up except a few of us, mostly cuz I was tanked and my glasses flew off during the B&U set and almost got crushed. They actually did get chipped and the arms were bent but it was fine. Anyways, I actuallyended up talking to Willow for mad long. She's mad cool. For some reason I feel like if she weren't my homie's girlfriend we wouldn't have ever been friends, which is fucked I guess, but she's mad cool. She told me not to take acid reflux medication, but to just eat dairy. I asked her if she had any homies who were older cuz I need a girl who's between 32-45.
Chris was actually so drunk and being fried when he left. He had a little spiel to give about how much he loves our music. He said something to me like "I know I'll never be avril" which was really cringe to me. Nice guy, and his heart's in the right place, but his head isn't. He also said something like "I know I'm not a part of this shit," which was kinda good to hear. I hope he got the hint. I expressed my distres at being a bad guy to exp and he reassured me that Chris has a lot going on and it's not all about me not letting him in PG like that. That reassured me. After a lot of basketball and hangin out, we all went back to the apt and hit the hay. exp went back to willow's spot so I slept in his bed.
Woke up at 6. Not too schlump. Took out the trash. Grabbed a $6 meal deal. Chilled a lil. Eventually shaved, did laundry, got ready, did the dishes, and at 11am I headed out for the bus. Listened to some of Soul Rotation by The Dead Mulkmen. They have some songs that really speak to me as masterpieces like "The Woman Who Was Also A Mongoose." I want to find all of them. Carter and I got off the same train, different trolleys and walked over to the bus.
Got some coffees at pavement. Feeling some gerd, not gonna lie. Got to the bus stop and an artsy type person asked if we were waiting for the 12:30pm to NYC. We said yes. Cart pointed out their cool vest so I gave them a phage gang sticker. They were really hyped, and even asked if we wanted money for it. We chopped it up for a second. Their name is 'name' which I really like. The train was delayed so we walked to the liquor store to grab a 40 or something, as well as papers, but the liq hadn't opened yet. Finally, at like 1:30 we were off. I saw rachel (@bugposting) waiting for the bus as well and reintroduced myself. They look kinda different now, and I'm gonna be honest , really tweaked. They looked disheveled, teeth yellow around the edges, appeared a little manic, makeup wrecklessly applied/faded or smudged around the eyes. They smiled a lot while talking to us. I'm not gonna lie, it was extremely hot. They had long bare fingernails with more dirt than anyone should have caked under them. I wonder if I have a chance.
On the bus I texted and DM'd everyone I could think of who I should hit up to come to the show. Then, I read up to 3/4 of the Death in Midsummer short stories. They're quite boring, and twice I had to take a break due to the heaaviness of my eyes and nap for 30 minutes, but the two stories I read (the one about the couple seppuku and the one about the cabinet) were both interesting. I like the one about the cabinet because it was a play. Listened to some subliminal juhad intermittently and just kinda tried to sleep after that. The episode about demi lovato and their alien show. The sleep didn't really take. I kept realizing my mouth was open and trying to close it. Felt insecure about looking dumb/my breath stinking up the bus.
We are now near the end fo the bus ride. It was smart to update this site. I hope I don't lose all my progress. We're both pretty hungry I think. Gonna take the train directly to rockaway.
It is now 11:23am on 250616. I will update this when I get a chance. Fun weekend. I still need to write about what went down Wednesday night. I was on the bus and although I don't think anyone paid super close attention, carter was right next to me. It was kinda gnarly to type up in public.
Now it's 3:14pm. Pi time. Such a long day.
It is now 1:11pm on 250617. Work is really hectic because I am fully working with Isabelle every day. Not fun. Need to update my site. Ok now it is 11:34AM on 250618.
Carter and I got off the bus and walked to 7th street burger. Kinda expensive and a really small burger, but it was ok. We tried to find a store for brews to drink on the train, but no luck. We got down into the train platform and got modelo tall boys though. So expensive. We chopped it up on the bus to rockaway and eventually Kyle got on. It was dope to see him and talk to him. He had his two gnarly old graffiti homies there though. This dude severin wouldn't stop tlaking and being an edgelord. He had a woman who I assume was his lady friend there. She seemed super sick. Carter didn't talk much. I told him it was cool to hang out with older people and he said "yeah but they're way older." I laugh typing this. It was a weird crowd. Severin said I'd get vibed out in seattle. He said to "be careful" lol. He honestly kinda vibed me out. We stopped outside this liquor store and a deli when we got to rockaway and it took so long to get what we needed. It was chill but eventually carter and I just went on our way to the show. Severin said the n word and that kinda weirded us out.
Got to the show and said hi to everyone. It was a blast. Was so sad karonte wasn't there, but he ended up pulling up later. Carter and I put our stuff in Wyatt's car and chopped it up with fools. It was hard to see in the backyard cuz there were no lights, but it was fine. Just chopped it up until the B&U set, which was dope. Everyone killed it and Jupps and I did tadpoles. I'm watching the video from the show right now and it was incredible. Can't stop smiling.
After the B&U set and before the Marlon set I talked to Marlon a lot. I met milk reset and aceii too. I just offered my condolences about Kudzai passing and everything. Ended up talking to them a lot about all our mutual homies. It is true, they are very nice. Milk told me about how he just moved to philly but doesn't know anyone there. Marlon told me to DM him in case he was free to come to the show tomorrow. During his set I thought of it as 'studying the enemy.' Half joking. Jupps brought me some water cuz I looked faded.
After the Marlon set people all hung out outside. Carter, Chris and I walked to the liquor store and I got 2 buzzballs. When I got back Karonte was there. I downed those two buzzballs so fast. I got tanked as fuck. From then-on there was apparently a little tiff between nf and exp because willow overheard nf say something. Nf can be quite the force sometimes. Exp low key got mad as fuck and while Nf, his lady friend, exp, Willow, cart and I started walking to the beach Nf and his girl split off. Kinda awkward. I remember actually before we all left I introduced myself to his girl and I was low key like 'guys these days don't introduce their girl and its weird.' I think she appreciated that.
Went to the beach and I'm not gonna lie I immediately took my clothes off and ran into the water. It was mad nice. I love the ocean and love to swim in it at least once a year. It was like 2:30am at that point. Casper was bouta run in with me but he ate shit running over this little dip in elevation. Poor guy.
Got out of the water pretty quick and smoked a cigarette. We talked too much about shed theory politics. I got up with brat and exp which was fun. Mad nice. Didn't write too foul this time.
Got nosh at the deli. I got a chopped cheese. Took the train back to bed stuy from rockaway. Exp and willow got off at a later stop. Carter and I trooped back and Wyatt was passed out on the couch, but Jupps was awake. Smoked some weed with Jupps and couldn't keep my eyes open. Nf wasn't home so I crashed on his bed.
Woke up schlump. Got pretty tanked last night. Was supposed to be in at 8am to do injections with Isabelle, but I emailed her to let her know I was running behind. No way 8am was happening.
Got my shit together and made it to the lab. Skidding is getting so much easier. They're more like hop skips though. Injected with Isabelle. I feel so fried. So brainless. Can barely focus or recall general words.
Therapy at noon. Talked about the musical annoying orange situation. Was told to frame this icing out as a 'style diffference' which is nice. I told my therapist about Julia and how enthralled I am with her. She said "it's probably a good thing she's going away," which is sad but true. I told my therapist that I realized I shouldn't let her not texting me back for days at a time affect my mood as much as it does. Everything else was good though. Told her the past two weeks have been a blur, that I'm super outside, back on skating hard, riding fixed, throwing darts, going to shows, playing pool. Best part: I'm somehow saving money. I'm spending a lot, but it's not the end of the world. I'm doing fine. Truly, I am living my best life. She tried to talk about politics a lot though like the classic centrist neoliberal democrat she appears to be, who is saddened by the attempts to break down academic institutions more than what's happening in Palestine (I'm only assuming, but she has that vibe, I'm being too judgemental). Anyways, the day was too hectic and I didn't get to write about my session right after it happened, in fact only until 250612 at 6:05pm, unfortunately, so I forget a lot of what we talked about, but it was a good session that left me excited and confident. Kinda reminded me I should lock in more on music, literature, visual art, managerial work, planning, and organization though. I feel retarded.
Before my appointment I ate a barbeque chicken pizza, some caesar salad on top of it (method), and a banana.
Left work at 4 and chilled at friends & family for ~1hr. Ellie was in town. It was so good to see them. I was thinking about how much of a chiller they are the other day. I really like them and they're excited for me to move to Philly. The conversation was kinda whatever, just updates. Emily was there too. She's so cute. I would try something if Will didn't go on a date with her. That's too much friendcest. She's nice at pool too. Told Meera about my date with Julia and how I'm glad I'm over this feeling of getting dubbed and she immediately turned it to her situation with Thom and ignored what I was saying. Kinda frustrating not gonna lie. The one otime I wanna talk about someone I'm interested in.
Jetted home but got some blueberries and chicken sausage at trader joes. Ate the blueberries and unfortunately, ate the rest of the cheez its I racked the night before. That would deifnitely weigh down my skating in an inoportune way. Mikey texted me he was still down to skate so we pulled up to LA park. Nick unfortunately drove straight from work to skate JP park with Isaac. LA park was completely swamped. So packed. Basketball game, roller bladers. Leif, Tim, and Somara were there though. Nice little squad. Landed some of my tricks, but not all in the slightest. Did a decent crook, smith, and front nosegrind. Dipped as the sun went down and got 2 brews from the gas station.
Walked to Mikey's spot to chill for a sec. On the walk he told me about how things fell through with his current Japanese bae. I fuck with Mikey a lot, but sometimes he's kinda unserious. Although I'm sorry he's going through it, it was nice to hear him talk about something serious. It felt like he cared to tell me, which I'm not sure I've felt from him in the past. This just made me realize that we kicked it 3 days in a row. He's a dear friend. And less of a shithead than he used to be.
Dru was around too. I thought he was spinning with Rich but he had actually just gotten home from that. We watched a couple episodes of futurama, real chill-style. Smoked some cigarettes outside and put each other on to music. Connor pulled up just as I was started to wear thin. It was nice to see him (their roommate Connor, not Connor Noll). Nice guy who I hadn't really talked to until recently.
Cooked some chicken sausage with microwaveable rice, arugula, and guacamole. Not as good as the same thing but with steak, but it was nice, Chicken sausage always makes me fart a lot. I was only going to eat half, then leave the rest for tomorrow morning before the bus, but I ate all of it. I think my stomach was expanded by my big lunch. Feeling fat. Drank the last modelo oro from the fridge too. Was gonna wach some aqua teen but just scrolled on my phone. Knocked out.
Inexcplicably spilled beer all over the bed again. Actual worst timing ever. I should have put my nose to the grindstone and cleaned/organized yesterday instead of fucking off and drinking + chainsmoking with Mikey and Dru. I have such little self control. The right edge of my phone screen is fucked too. I can't use it. And I had this weird gunk all over it. What happened?
Got a medium iced coffee with oat milk from dunks, drank it, showered, chilled for a sec, ate two bananas, biked to work (didn't use brakes or stop once) and arrived at 8:06. Felt like I already needed another coffee but drank some water and got over it. It's now 9:08. I've just been updating this for the past hour.
Julia hit me last night to say she's getting dinner with someone she hasn't seen in a super long time so she'd rather hang after 8pm. Fine by me! I need to organize, do laundry, etc. I think my plan should be: Go to Lulu's at 3. Skip the beer, just wings. Go home and do laundry/clean/organize. Skate with the homies at like 5:30/6 for an hour or 1.5 hours. Maybe keep it chill cuz I want to skate tomorrow too. Go home, shower, then link Julia. I was pretty set on hanging out in the park though, so I need to brainstorm a new date idea. Just hitting the sil is kinda lame, but reliable.
I feel like I need to go over everything I did in the past ~month so I have stuff to tell Julia. I'm not feeling very 'on-point' so I don't wanna cause some kinda awkward silence lol. I need to remember to ask her how her gig this past Saturday went. I need to ask her how Lot 49 is. I feel like she's pretty good at talking about herself (Carrie-esque autism moment) and I need to talk about myself and my interests and what I like more. So fried but I still feel really anxious about possibly running into Carrie. More than usual right now for some reason.
Read Isidore Isou's Manifesto of Letterist Poetry. It's confusing, and I need to re-read it, but it has a kind of old basic writing style with a lot of conviction. I def want the 2 manifestos being worked on to be much weirder and more stylized. Maybe they should be combined.
We study quizzics.
Julia wants to go out. I know I should have suggested a spot but I asked her if she had any place in mind.
Julie said she's in Ct this weekend so she can't come to the phage gang show. I can't remember if I wrote much about our 'reconnection' (called a few times but haven't had contact in ~1 month) over her blow addiction but I was worried we weren't cool cuz she didn't respond. Actually, I matched with this one lower allston woman who's apparently friends with this girl who freaked out at me at the sil after finding out I dated Julie. Julie's not even bummed on me!
Can't decide if I should have Diana braid my shit or not. I'm scared. Wyatt sent some tatt designs. Gonna think on them and get back to him soon.
Updating 250613 at 5:36pm. On the bus to NYC. Approximaley 1hr left. Hoping nobody can see exactly what I'm writing/the name of the website from this cramped position.
Dropped the song 'I'm a cat' that Dane, Galia, Fern, Lauren, and I made on my Youtube channel with an animation of fern hacky sacking. I love that song even though it's weird. It's so fun.
Left work around 3 and jetted to the skatepark. Landed a lot of my tricks, but more importantly, 3 impossibles. Ryan pulled up. Nicest dude ever. He told me his crazy trip all the way down to DC riding fixed was super chaotic but good. He wanted to film a clip on vx so I tried to nose maual across the stage and go into a ride-on grind. I didn' get close, but I'll get a clip with him soon. Luca pulled up and we hung out for a second, then Mikey pulled up a second before I left. I felt pretty tired but really strong, which was interesting. Very light because all I ate was 2 bananas and some raspberries.
Jetted to lulu's. Actually I did not jet, I walked. I should have biked due to the time constraint but I just felt like walking. Talked to Bill for a second but awkwardly said I was gonna sit outside cuz I had to send some emails. Read some ed fisher reviews of movies I hadn't seen. The wings were on point and they hit cuz I starved myself.
Walked home, cleaned, organized. Julia and I figured out that the sil was an optimal meeting spot. For some reason she was keen on seeing some music, which was ok, but after having not seen each other for almost a month, I was more concerned with talking and catching up. We got to the sil and decided to sit outside the show and catch up for a little. Glad I made the suggestion. She pulled me in and gave me a kiss when she walked up to me, which was a pleasant surprise. This says "that's how it's going to be from now on." I was immediately relieved that she, in fact, does fuck with me, but that she truly just has been extremely busy. I respect her work ethic a lot. Like me, she needs to do things the second she thinks of them or they won't get done. We talked for a while. She makes me better at organization. The show in the other half of the sil was ridiculously loud, so she got her music fix. The conversation flowed. I had a lot to tell her about. I wrote down the highlights of everything that happened to me in the past ~month starting with the last day I saw her (my sister's graduation) while I was at Lulu's and that helped a lot. She did particularly ask me what I've been up to, which was nice. It made me feel like she really, really wanted to hear, since she asks me questions so infrequently.
Asked her if she wanted to do anything after this and she said she was too tired. I was a little disappointed to hear that. It had been exactly one week since I'd cum (hooking up with Bridget, who I should text back). I get it though. Maybe she's not that horny. It's also good to know she enjoys my presence without the implication of fucking after. Also, she's probably still bleeding from getting an IUD. I told her that I would love it if the next time I saw her was more recently than one month from now and she suggested Tuesday or Wednesday and agreed to a park date. What a relief. Confirmed she's leaving for her huge tour July 10th, then coming back at the end of August. We have roughly one month to hang out. I mentioned I was trying to hit SF and also do a show in SD in August though, and she brought up how she'd be there, kind of implying we could meet up or something. This means she'd still want to see me after her tour, which is also reaffirming. If she wanted to date me I'd have a hard time saying no, but I feel like I'd need to. Not just because I'm not in a position to be in a committed, monogamous relationship, but because this dynamic is really good.
Waited with her for the bus. She said it was coming in two minuutes so we spent those last two minutes making out. I really feel some type of way about her.
I think I'll write what happened after i got home from this date with Julia at a later time.
Nick and Eamon were chopping it up when I got home. Eamon gave us hella modelo lights. He said he felt bad for never being around.
Now it is 11:34AM on 250618 and I will write about what I did after my date with Julia. I drank more and went on grindr + sniffies looking to get sucked. I started talking with this guy in his late 40s who didn't even ask for a face pic, just a dick pic. He told me he could host me at his place of work, which I thought sounded interesting. He said it's the church on brighton ave next to the car dealership. I biked over and waited outside. He let me in and described all the work he did on the architecture of the church. He said he used to live in here but was now in his car. Cleanly guy tho. He said he got a gym membership so he always showered. He brought me upstairs and made a joke that the other room is where they chop people up, or something like that. I wasn't worried about anything but it was really, really cutty. No electricity, just a flashlight. He talked a lot. He sat me down, asked me to whip it out, and sucked me briefly. After he was over it due to fatigue (I can't blame him. the man had health problems), I kept jerking off while he monologued. He had a vibrator that honestly felt really good against the head of my dick. He showed me his ass and he had a receipt stuck to it, lol. I don't know why I wanted to see it. I like when people expose themselves to me. I asked to see his dick and it was tiny. Poor guy. He just kinda kept talking and eventually I came super hard. It got on my shirt. He even commented on how hard I came. It had been one week. He kinda just kept talking while I finished my beer, which Eamon gave me when I got home. He walked me out, but not before trying to give me a V8 energy drink and some candy. Nice guy. When I got home he asked me if I mistakenly took his vibrator, but I said I gave it back. He found it in his hoodie. Fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was really early in the morning.
Was harder to get up than I'd hoped. Grabbed a medium iced coffee from Dunkin cuz I still need to descale my espresso machine. Drank it pretty quickly, showered, ate a banana and the rest of the raspberries, and jetted to work. Made great time, arrived at ~7:50am. Riding fixed was fun. A car almost hit me and that was the only time I used my breaks. Skidded a little for a sec, it was fun.
Isabelle was a little late but we started working (set up and injection) at around 8:30am. It is currently 10:09. Hope to inject for as long as possible because we don't have much else to do. I want to leave at 3 and skate.
Injected for quite some time, took a coffee break, cleaned up, designed some primers, sent some plasmid for sequencing, let Isabelle go home. Did a little screening. Was done at 2pm so I fucked off for the last hour.
Left work and hit Cambridge Commons to practice skidding. It was really easy thanks to the rain. I felt like my cog was a little loose from skidding, unfortunately, so I headed towards Huey to use his tools to tighten my cog and lock ring. As I was biking up the Allston footbridge, the cog slipped really hard. I tried to pedal on top of the footbridge and the same thing happened. I called Huey to tell him I'd need to walk my bike to his spot, so I'd be a little later. It's still a little confusing how the cog and lock-ring work. I guess pedaling forward only tightens the cog, but since pedaling backwards would loosen it, the tension of the lock ring against the cog stops the cog from loosening, since there's no space for it to thread out. If your cog is a little loose, you can't fully tighten your lock ring. I guess you can have a tight cog with a loose lockring, but eventually the cog will loosen and risk stripping/coming loose. If your cog is loose, your lockring is inherently loose. Kinda sketchy if you think about it.
Got to Huey's at 3:48pm. He had the correctly sized chain whip and lockring tool to tighten everything. Also greased the lockring and filled my back tire more. It still needs work but it's better than nothing. I'm barely using my brake, but I still think I'll keep it on for mad long. Skidding down comm ave was scary but fun. Biked through Brighton instead of all the way down comm ave to harvard ave. That hill on the street adjacent to carter's was also fun.
Stopped by star market on the way home. Racked some deodorat and toothpaste but bought some kinders buttery steakhouse seasoning. I wasn't really initially planning on eating red meat, but I got a $13 flank steak from trader joes. So expensive. Also got some of that frozen microwavable rice and guacamole. I had arugula.
Drank a pbr tall can while making this steak bowl. Turned out really good. I was hoping to get ~2 days of food out of it, but I ate the second half of the bowl later before going to sleep. Tried watching Mulholland Drive. Got a solid way through before Nick got home. We chopped it up for a little and watched some family guy before his date. He copped me a modelo because he drank one of my pbrs, which he definitely didn't need to do.
Notforever facetimed me and we chopped it up for a second. Told him I was kinda bummed on Casperr tryna insert himself on the tape more, something I would vent to Dru about later as well. Not a big deal, but ridiculously fried: nf went to go piss on a tree and didn't realize he was holding his phone directly next to his exposed cock and balls. Got a full closeup + piss shot. I wasn't paying hella attention but when I realized what I was looking at I immediately said "Ayo bro wtf am I looking at?! Is this what I think it is?!?!" I told him I just got a full view of his egg roll + eggs and he brushed it off by saying "honestly idgaf." Bruh like what? No embarrassment, no apology, just skipping past it. It wasn't that deep to me but what the hell, man. Such a strange fellow. He also said something about not spending a lot of time listening to other people's music and that he gets better by just listening to his own shit on repeat, which is understandable, but I think is fried. Maybe this is why his self-importance shines through by trying to get on every song on the tape. He said he wants to drop an alternate version of Jupps and Ohm's song where he's on it. Such a force not gonna lie.
I biked to the liq and bought another 6er of pbr tall cans. I'm a degenerate, I need to chill. I think that quirked up juggalo girl ended up getting the job at the dispo cuz she wasn't there. Just that old asian man who always wears hella gopuff merch.
Biked to Dru's. We kicked it for hella long. Like 2 or 2.5 hours I guess? Mikey came out and chilled with us too. Dru tried riding my bike. I guess the roommate who I don't really know, Connor, just got a new bike out in worcester and dru can use his old one now, which is dope. Talked about music hella. Fingerboarded. Shared my condolensces about Kudzai. I got really tanked not gonna lie. I was prob annoying. I mean I'm sure I wasn't, but it's hard not to think that wasy sometimes. Should be able to remember more of the conversation.
Drank my last pbr when I got home. Tried to watch the rest of Mulholland Drive but could barely keep my eyes open. Drank ~7 pbr tall cans + that modelo tall boy. What the fuck is wrong with me oh my god I'm fried.
Feeling horrible in the stomach today. Whole day thrown off. First thing I saw when I woke up was that Kudzai died. I can't fucking believe it. I didn't really know him like that but it feels so weird. Rest in peace. I wish no one I knew ever got junked. It's just sad. I can't stop thinking about it.
Feeling off and unconfident today. Maybe it's because I'm on degenerate mode. I should read. I need to eat healthy. My stomach and sleep being fucked is definitely affecting me pretty negatively. Doing fuck all at the lab today. Stressed about show Saturday.
Besides my stomach feeling like shit, my gerd is not that bad. Fortunately, my esophagitis and sore throat are both gone. Relieved. Also random but Ive had a cheez-it addiction this past week. I should stop. Ate two slices of pizza from Whole Foods.
Spent so much time updating this site. Read some of 'swarmachines' by the CCRU from swarm1. It's honestly so cool. They started out pretty interesting. Dropped that song 'hurry' by fabii on the phage gang page. Hope to have a new song ready soon for next month. Eli will hop on a silver x vague002 beat. I want spidar on the page. I should ask avril if he wants to send bro shit. Don't want to lack. Obviously Outside World is dropping soon, which is cool. Then maybe biome next summer lmao.
Left work at 4. Went home, drank a sapporo, ate the rest of my butthole-burning, stomach-slipping pasta.
Turned my rear bike wheel around to ride fixed gear. Something kept slipping and my wheel kept getting stuck. The internet told me my axles actually weren't tight enough, causing some kinda weird slippage. I don't even know, I gotta watch a youtube video about parts and how they work. I biked by common wheels and they told me i need to tighten my cog, but also my lock ring. Cog clockwise, lock ring counter-clockwise. I think I'll get the hang of this eventually. Already feel like less of a noob. The nice woman (Fiona I think) was a really good mechanic and very helpful. Although it's impossible not to feel stupid when working on bike shit. I don't think I'm gonna get as crazy into this as when I first got back into biking and kinda abandoned skating, but it'll be a nice and fun new hobby.
After making sure my bike was all good I rode around a little fixed and it was fun. Got the hang of it pretty quickly, which is what I was told would happen. Watched some family guy with Nick and drank 2 more Sapporos. It's starting to get a little weird how Eamon's not reallya around at all. Biked to trader joe's for raspberries and the liq. Was able to start skidding, which was cool. I really wanna be able to skid all good and shit. My straps are kinda ass.
Talked to that juggalo type woman who works at the liq. She's so sweet. I wanna get in her pants, not gonna lie. I have for a while. She told me she has an interview at the dispo around the corner tomorrow, and if they hire her she's not even coming in to her shift at the liquor store, just dropping off her keys and leaving. More of an excuse for me to become an epic stoner. I fuck with her. Got a 6er of PBR tall cans. Need to save money
Got home and talked to exp about the tape. Sent him a lot of stems and shit. Casperr asked if the playlist was the final tracklist, to which I said HELL NAH. He even tried to say he had 2 more songs we could add, which pissed me the fuck off. So lame. If anything we need to whittle it down. I think it sits at 13 songs right now. I'd prefer 12, but eh. I'm just not huge on the song that has casperr's vocals but it's not too bad, plus exp and karonte killed it.
Tried to watch Mulholland Drive but was nodding off. It's cool so far though. Didn't realize just how LA it was, palm trees and everything. That intro sequence of the people dancing really threw me off. I thought I was watching the wrong movie.
Fell asleep around 11pm. I drank 3 regular sized sapporo cans and 2 pbr tall cans. Eh. Coffee terrorized me all night, by the way. She woke me up at 1:30 and I could barely fall back asleep. She was running around and playing, but obviously I was out of it and it was completely dark, so I couldn't tell if she was distressed or not. She cuddled up with me for a while and I pet her, which calmed her down. She was fine, just energetic. This always happens when I fall asleep early. Maybe it confuses her.
Julia texted me. My hypothesis was right. I don't know if Maggie texted her, but it's possible.
Jetted to work, fed the fish, jetted home. Nick asked me to skate and I said I was down for smith but not down to skate all day. He couldn't find parking at smith so he just went to JP to link with Ted and crew. I had a good sesh. It was brief but good. Felt tired but loose. Landed a lot of my tricks. 3 impossibles. I asked Jared to film a line for me: back 50 on round element bar, impossible, then tailslide. I didn't land it. Nick Chao said my impossible was properly wrapped though. I realized that if I put my front foot too close to the edge of the board it'll cause it to flip. I wanna have em on lock. I gotta work on my pop. I ollied over the butter bench and back 50'd the really tall ledge. I'm feeling good.
Stopped by trader joes and got spicy italian sausage, arugula, mushrooms, and penne. Drank a few beers and made lunch. It turned out pretty good. Finished that song edit for my mom, recorded on a cg beat, vaccumed the apartment, cleaned the litterbox, did the dishes, etc. It was very productive.
Nick got home and we chopped it up. Asked if he wanted to come on a bike ride with Pat and Huey but he wasn't down.
I dipped for flatbread at around 8:45. Chopped it up with Pat and waited for Huey to get out of work. Arthur came through. I felt kind of stupid riding single speed. This was the motivation I needed to turn my wheel around. It was a nice bike ride. We went down brighton Ave, down comm ave, up boylston, took a left downtown, went past government center and mgh. Arthur's chain fell off and his wheel exploded. That's an exaggeration, but some part of his cog got fucked I think. I gotta watch a Youtube video of this shit. Anyways, fortunately it was a quick fix. Went over the Longfellow Bridge and hit state park. That one chinese tattoo girl Julia was there. Drank like 5 beers there. Spent so much money. Chopped it up hella. Left and raced Huey for a moment, which was fun. I dipped out at the central red line stop. Felt pretty drunk not gonna lie.
Ate another bowl of pasta before knocking, which was probably a mistake. I'm on degenerate mode right now. Fell asleep at like 2am probably.
Idk if it's notable, but Arthur asked me what was going on with Julia and me at state park. I said I fuck with her but she's not trying to date, which is fine because I'm also not trying to date (which honestly, if Julia asked me to be exclusive, which I don't think would happen, I would probably struggle to say no). I said she's not cutty but I fuck with her. Arthur agreed she's hella normal but cool. I said we're still hanging out. That was pretty much it.
Woke up later than I'd hoped. Biked to feed the fish. Got a chopped caesar from Mortadella Head. Nick's homie came through for a second before is band had a soundcheck. Worked on tunes and watched Aqua Teen until ~4pm. Went to Tommy's thing at exit. Drew, Rozu, and Lilith were all there. I heard from Nick, who heard from Maydoney, that Sam Fish is a zionist. Isn't that wack? Anyways, I don't wanna do shit with them anymore. If I get hit up again to chill there I'm over it. It was nice of Tommy to spin our stuff but fuck it.
Met this one Dominican fool who's friends with Tommy who loves fighting people and particularly putting them in headlocks. That's his method. The Exit Gallery coffee was not very good. The room is a lot more spacious now. It's more comfortable to be in.
Went home and chopped it up with Nick before we biked to Cambridge for the Dutch Interior show. Found half a source pizza + another slice on top of a trash can in harvard square. Ate in Perry Park. Lucky break. The bike ride was beautiful. Isaac came by bus. Their knee is fucked. I hope I was supportive. Gloria was there. Her friend Paula, who's honestly pretty bad, was there too. She talked to me a little. Opening band from Maine was pretty lame. It smelled like Glossier and sounded like 2018 in the venue. Second opener was also lame. Just smoked outside during their set. Dutch Interior was good, but super long. I liked them though.
Isaac went home. Nick was going to link this girl at Man Ray but I convinvced him to come hang out at the Avenue with Pat and Huey instead. Just as we were passing by the apartment he bailed and went home. I had a fun time at the ave. It was all flatbread employees, then Arthur, Boris, and Maggie showed up. Not gonna lie, I was hoping they would show up, then Maggie would tell Julia that we hung out, and it would inspire Julia to text me. Got pretty tanked. Asked Arthur to be involved in the BAC show. I think his paintings would fit. We talked about Dirt Nap and shit. Ended up going home around like midnight I think. I was so nervous I'd run into Carrie.
Woke up at like 6:15, took out the trash. The apartment is truly so disgusting. I’m so tired.
Started reading Faux Pas by Amy Spillman. Some notes:
reliance on psychoanalyses is pretty lame
i feel like this is a striking dividing line between ‘old world’ or ‘conventional’ artists + theorists and more boundary-pushing artists. The kids want deleuze!
i hadn’t really thought about consciously not separating color from form, but it makes sense. Maybe it really is all about the sum of process, form, and concept, rather than considering them individually. At least it is for Sillman.
marcia tucker’s ‘“bad” painting’ seems pretty interesting. I agree that humor is important (ie: puns and farce. to a fool, everything’s a joke, but to a wise man, all jokes are serious).
reference to rachel harrison- i gotta say these are some of the worst artworks i’ve ever seen in my life. I’m a little biased because I hate the color scheme Harrison typically goes for, but the ‘farcical’ situations are so ugly and uninteresting.
i really like sillman’s observation that writing and drawing are ‘first cousins’ that both originated on cave walls at the same time, connected. That’s why I’ve been so interested in cartoons/comics recently, maybe.
at the same time sillman isn’t saying anything super revolutionary with drawing. I always got the impression that the #1 art school sentiment that really gets drilled in is “it’s all about drawing!”
‘if you do it badly you won’t be a sellout?’ I don’t think it’s that simple. It can’t just be bad (im sure sillman doesn't ascribe to this sentiment anymore anyways), but it needs to be stylized. cryptographic. such mastery over details that it appears bad.
it really is about word of mouth still. if you can make something that the right people like, that’s more valuable than having xyz stats. i am a contemporary in something going on that is really cool right now and that didn’t happen from numbers
Nick had to borrow my laptop for his test, which sucks. All the electricity in the laundry room is out and I can’t flip the breakers because of the test. My sheets are gross. Engert lab meeting then Lab Operations meeting. Florian’s going to Wood’s Hole closer towards August. I suggested we bike. That’d be dope.
Not gonna lie, I’m bummed I need to work with Isabelle again today. Whatever. Can’t wait to leave work. Can’t wait to skate later. Hoping to play pool. I’m not that excited for this weekend. If I’m being honest I wish I were hanging out with Julia.
Not hyped on any of the books I’m reading right now. Spillman book is not my thing, Mishima is a bore and a chore. Maybe I’ll just read some more bolaño or pynchon or something. Or maybe ‘A Distant Mirror’ finally.
Seems like the site is not saving properly...hmmmm. I should transition to a hyperlink list of dates at some point. One that leads to individual pages for individual days.
Checking my bank account. Scared. I'm fine. Just scared of internet, gas, and electric payments. I tried. Astound needs some code from a bill. I don't want this stress. I want to be fine. I will pay the internet, electric, and gas costs tomorrow (hopefully). At least one of them.
WyzeCrackWorld is trying other vanues but we may need to do a renegade show. He just asked if I can stay til after the 29th. Ugh.
AGHHHHHHH I WANT JULIA TO HANG OUT WITH ME.
She texted me back at 12:51pm today. I doubt it's healthy for this person to have such control over my mood but they really make me happy. They texted me after 6 days. I am going to wait until a little later then ask if they want to go to Nick's homie's show tomorrow. I kind of doubt Chrissy is gonna respond about tomorrow. We'll see what's up. I'll ask "Do you wanna hang out soon?" IDGAF about that fat goth girl heath. I just wanted to be in her guts smh.
Well, updating at 12:17pm on 250609. Don't really remember much, I'm not gonna lie. Kara finally showed me where the pool table is. When I left work I was going to skate, but was way too schlump. Just kinda ate and drank.
Finally paid the internet bill.
Hit up Heath. We went to Blondie's. I'm 2 for 2 at bringing obese dates to Blondie's, but Heath was in no way similar to Abby. I kinda faked interest in them and asked if they wanted to do anything after hitting Blondie's. They said "sure, idk what people do for fun around here," which was pretty puzzling. When I (and other people) say that it's pretty obvious I want you to come over. She must be kinda slow. She was really taken aback when I said I was moving in a year. Like what are we doing here? Do you really think I'm interested in wifing you??? Be fr. Anyways we made out a little and she used hella tongue off rip. Not gonna lie, I got like, instantly hard. Her tongue piercing was hella cool. She was pretty obviously not down for more though and headed out. I will not be hitting her up again. I tried to hit up my eater down the street but he didn't respond. Went to sleep.
Smoke weed every day, just kidding.
Once again woke up groggy with coffee terrorizing me. Kept turning my alarms off. Turns out my phone was unplugged all night and wasn't even charged. Drank my coffee, showered, jetted off to work, and arrived at 9.
I asked Kara to investigate where the pool table in the chemistry department was yesterday but she forgot. This could be an awesome spot to play pool at. We could even bring brews and shit.
Doing a miniprep with Isabelle. Quite boring, not gonna lie. I am just writing hella while she's taking the reigns. I know I got to work at 9 but I'm still gonna leave at 3. Feeding this weekend.
Excited to make music later. Wish fern could hang longer.
Gonna give Roy feedback on the flag design: Sorry it took mad long to get back on feedback. Is there any way you can make it more similar to this? *OG thetamancer logo he made me* Definitely want it to be a little less gnarly and useable as a graphic for a flag. Like the more hand-drawn and less-3d graphic aspect is definitely what we're looking for. For the flag I think we can definitely make some kind of background but want the main text to be "tell me a" in smaller text on top of "phage story" all big in the same way "thetamancer" is here. Would want the dimensions to be pretty similar to this for flag manufacturing pruposes.
Just messaged him. He was receptive.
Finished reading 'Motion Capture' by Kodwo Eshun. Really good and put me on to some good scratchadelia. Love the Deleuze namedrop with reference to his somewhat accurate quote 'molecules of a new people may be planted here or there.' “It's very much like Sadie [Plant] says, it's not high or low it's just complex, because it has so many travelling and spiralling arms that you can hook onto.” "All that works is the sonic plus the machine that you're building. So you can bring back any of those particular things if you like, but it better work. And the way you can test it out is to actually play it. That's how you test if my book works, because I want it to be a machine. When I say works, I mean I want it to engineer a kind of sensory alteration, some kind of perceptual disturbance. I think I'd really like that very much, because even a tiny sensory disturbance is enough to send out a kind of signal which can get transmitted."
Tried to find the chemistry lounge, which supposedly has a pool table with Kara. No luck. Got word it's on the first floor of a building adjacent to my lab's and explored more, but with no luck. Set up some fish. I'm coming in on Saturday so I can clean the embryo water then. I'm so schlump. I want to leave. I just might!
Left at like 2:55pm. Biked home and stopped at Trader Joe's for bananas, cucumber, tomato, and chicken sausage. Stopped by the liquor store for a 6er of PBR tall cans. Drank two beers while cooking and eating the chicken sausage + salad. No pepper. Minimal salt. Watched some Aqua Teen. Started watching Fire Walk With Me before Carter pulled up at like 5:45. Drank a second coffee. Carter and I just drank and smoked hella. Called fern, who said he had to bail. Called Jason, who said he was coming, but never showed up. Called Scott who said he was coming to New York Next weekend with Cian. Btw Tebi isn't even gonna be in the city so idk what we should do. Oh well.
Carter and I tried to get Quizzical on an avril beat exquisite corpse style. It was really fast and the drums were pretty quiet so it was hard to hop on. We hopped on an apollo beat after, classic style. It was so fucking hot in the apartment and we were so tired. Went on a walk to get some Sapporos. Ridiculously tired. Carter left pretty early, I think. We chopped it up with Nick for a while. It must have been like 10:30pm when Carter left.
Watched a little aqua teen hunger force and ate the rest of my chicken sausage and salad. Was gonna get my dick sucked from that one sketchy eater who lives in the fancy building but he bailed. He’s addicted to sex for real oh my god. I was honestly pretty worried I got fucking aids from him but obviously I turned out to be fine. He is really good at sucking dick. I was hammered.
Passed out. Don’t even know when. Left all the lights on and my laptop open.
Much harder for me to wake up than I thought it would be. I slept like 8 hours for real, but I guess my circadian cycles were a little disrupted. Anyways, I resigned that I would not make it to work by 8, so why try. Ate a banana, drank some water, popped two pepto bismols, drank my coffee with lots of oat milk, showered, reviewed what I wrote so far for Manifesto of A Phage, sent it to Jonathan, and jetted to work.
Actually feeling very rested today. I'm a little sore from skating but I feel calm and lucid. Maybe I should become a 1 coffee/day guy. Might fall asleep on Bridget later if I don't drink another one today though. They're coming to my apt at like 4 then we're biking to the lake.
Bike ride to work was extremely pleasant. It's not too hot outside yet so I wasn't drenched in sweat.
Small change, but I drank water from the water fountain instead of the cold water dispenser. It was much calmer and easier to drink than the cold filtered water, which definitely leads to me drinking more. This is a small change that will probably have a positive impact on my body. Balanced, not extreme.
Still going to leave work at 3 because I'm feeding this weekend. Perhaps leaving one hour early today and one hour early Friday.
Jonathan said he likes my working draft of the Manifesto of A Phage a lot, but it does seem like it's written in a style very similar to 'Meltdown' by Nick Land. He said he doesn't think this is a bad thing, but wonders if there's a way to elaborate a little more on the actual phage itself. He likes the more microbiological parts the most, where describe proteins folding, etc. Basically, I think everything can be expounded upon. Great feedback, and motivating. I can get more detailed on everything.
Already noon. Isabelle is here and we are doing the transformation. This is awesome. I can't wait to jet to Lulu's, eat some wings, jet home, and bike to the lake. Maybe I'll leave at 2:45 or something. I always make up for it.
I need to clean my room a little. Not that Bridget cares. I'm pretty glad we're all gonna hang out for an extended period of time before going home. The last few times we've hung out it's been link up -> chill for like 10 minutes -> go to the crib and bone. Kinda mid. I understand why girls don't appreciate when guys do this now. Not all girls, obviously.
Decided I needed at least a little more than just my morning coffee today. Taking a 30 minute break while incubating plasmid with some cells to drink an iced americano with only one shot of espresso. It tastes pretty watery but whatever. Writing more of Manifesto of A Phage.
Finished everything and wrote until ~2:50pm. Jetted to Lulu's. The wings had odee sauce on them today. It accumulated on the plate. Opposite of what I needed for gerd. Not sure how I ate all 12 wings not gonna lie, I was close to tapping out. Drank a gansett really slowly. Still had a lot of it left over after I finished the wings, which never happens. Kept hiccuping cuz of gerd, but it got better. Read some of Ed Fisher's movie reviews on his website. I haven't seen any new movies that came out this year at all. This is random but I don't even think Carrie would read a movie review. Like they're at that level incapable. I don't know why I thought that, but that alone is probably a sign that we shouldn't be in a relationship. Sepaking of which, random as hell, Julia posted that she was reading The Crying of Lot 49 on her story. Starting to feel dubbed. Trying to push away this feeling. I will not text her back!
I got ready pretty quick and Bridget got to my crib a little late. We biked to the lake and it was super far and long. Stopped by the liq in Brighton Center to get 2 modelo tall boys. When I said "Oh I was gonna stop to get some brews" she said "I thought you'd say that" which, I'm not gonna lie, was not awesome to hear.
Trekked to the lake. Huey, Hannah, and Isaac were walking in as we were. Luca and Martin pulled up, then fern. Martin's little friend was there too. Martin's actually totaly turned his life around, it seems. He's a pharmacy technician, about to work in a hospital for the summer, and he got a full ride to MCPHS. When Nick finally pulled up, which was hella late cuz he was getting a trick with Ted, he was super hyped that Martin was doing well. Was great to see Luca too. I think we're gonna skate on Friday.
Swimming was dope. The water was fine. Fern and Isaac swam all the way across, but Isaac started cramping up and had to have fern hold on to him. Glad he didn't die. Isaac walked around and back but fern swam back. He's a beast.
I feel like the whole thing about feeling self conscious is so dumb. Bridget thinks I'm hot, like why else would she be fucking me (especially if she's in a relationship). I'm dumb.
After some hackying, drinking smoking, and chilling (Sirmich, Ted, Dugan, and Eddie pulled up btw), everyone dipped and Isaac, Hannah, Bridget, and I walked to Newton Center cuz they wanted ice cream. I'm pretty anti-sugar as you all know, but it's funny cuz I asked for a waffle cone, not knowing it was an extra $2. I thought they got waffle cones, but they got sugar cones. I thought a sugar cone was a wafer cone. I ate a little then gave Isaac the rest. Peanut butter oreo. It was good, but it made my mustache smell like milk.
Bridget and I biked to my place real quick. It was horribly dark out. In Newton there are very few streelights. I'm so nightblind. Very glad we made it back in one piece. I changed real quick and washed my face. Bridget was hyped she got to say hi to coffee. I don't think my room was too much of a mess, which is nice. It's nice to feel accepted.
We biked to the jungle and hung out super super briefly. Enough for just one drink. The karaoke was so loud. Someone did a hamilton song so Bridget and I went outside for her to smoke. I took a hit and I think I felt something a little. Just enough to know I was feeling it. It was pretty awesome. All her friends were really lesbian-coded except one. They were all really nice. The really bad bartender was working. Could barely keep my eyes averted. The people doing karaoke were ridiculous.
Biked back to Bridget's place and got there at like 11. The 7-hour foreplay really worked. While she was biking in front of me I really started feeling some type of way and imagining how I was gonna grip her in the next few moments. She offered me some wine, which I was wise enough not to down all at once. I pissed, she used the bathroom, I hit a quick little stretch, and we kinda immediately got to it. It was really, really, really good this time. First link was good, but I think better for her than for me. Second link was pretty alright, but kinda hampered by the fact that the condom broke. Third link was horrendous. We had a nice time hanging out after but I couldn't get it up. still ate the pun pun though. This link was pretty perfect. I think we both felt pretty passionately attracted to each other. This is interesting because I honestly did not feel very attracted to her throughout the day or really any time after our first link. I just don't really think she's my type, but something triggered the attraction in my brain. Even at the lake I was like "ahhhhh I don't even really fuck with her that heavy." Funny how things change. I made her cum while fucking her missionary with her legs up. She said I looked good while in that position. Then, she asked to get on top of me. I was a little hestitant to fuck realy hard because I was worried I was gonna cum early, but when I said "hold on you're gonna make me cum" she let out a sigh of relief and told me to cum because she already did. I did and she did again at the same time. I think we were both realy hyped. We were joking that biking, swimming, and karaoke was a triathalon, but she amended the joke by saying "this is the last part of the triathalon." We hung out a little longer and chopped it up. I felt so much confidence after that moment. I made up for that previous link. She said I was welcome to stay over but I said I'd get out of her hair and let her sleep. I biked home. Never felt so good, honestly.
Got some cheez its from shell on the way home as a celly. Got home and was gonna watch some aqua teen or something, but just scrolled on my phone, which was fine. I was the perfect amount of high for real. Just barely, but enough to know I was. Responded to Heath, that fat goth girl. It's been long enough, I want to get in her guts. Also, this interaction clearly lifted the vail from my eyes: I can't wait for Julia. I'm gonna make plans with Chrissy.
Fell asleep around midnight I think? My sheets smelled kinda weird, I gotta wash them. Coffee terrorized me a little, but it's ok. Was really hot all night, honestly.
Wanted to wake up early, but woke up late. Got to work at like 9:20. Screened fish, then at 11:30 I jetted home for a skate sesh.
Felt quite shitty and lethergic, not gonna lie. But I landed all my tricks on the ledge in smith. I'm hyped, not gonna lie. I even did a lipslide, hella back 50s, and an impossible with no tick tack.
I jetted home to eat more chicken (bad, blackened with pepper, horrible for gerd) with guac. Got one of those gatorades with extra electrolytes. I forgot Isabelle was going to be back again today and I think she had been waiting on me for like an hour when I finally pulled up at 2pm.
Set up an L+R reaction, checked some concentrations, and sent Isabelle home. I have been updating this now since ~3pm. It is almost 4pm. I did not have a second coffee today. I know it's bad for gerd, but I'm going to pass out. I am glad I got skating out of the way because I just want to maybe do a little laundry and put away clothes and chill. Maybe work on some tunes, maybe read. I should just try to eat healthy and not consume any alcohol. I can already sense my failure. Even seltzer is bad for gerd.
Bridget asked if I wanted to park tomorrow. I invited her to crystal lake. Was going to wait and see if Julia was gonna text me back and propose anything, but I figured Bridget's more of the homie anyways. Also, this is fucked, but bridget and I are closer in body type than Julia and I, and for some reason I fear I may be slightly self-conscious, although I am relatively confident. I am well-liked and I have been known to lay pipe.
There's a fat goth girl from the apps named Heath who I've really been wanting to crack. She keeps teasing for me to come over or for her to come over and she keeps bailing. Hoping I can take her out next week or something.
The 34 year-old woman from hinge, Chrissy, told me she'd be back in Boston Thursday. This I can really get down with. I have been saying, and it remains true, that I would only seriopusly and monogamously date someone again if they were hella older than me. This could be cool. This could be epic. I want her. She beckons me. BUT, I need to see what Julia's plans are before I ask her to come to the exit galleries pop up. It's obviously right down the street from my crib, which could be clutch.
I feel like I'm going to pass out. Maybe I should try not drinking a second coffee at all, so I fall asleep more easily tonight. But I won't get anything done if I do that. I deadass feel too tired to write.
Felt so tired I couldn't even write. Set up some fish out of boredom. Got out of work at 5 and biked to star market to get some oat milk. I saw there was a burger king uber eats/doordash/whatever delivery outside the same building where Dane, Galia, and I found a guitar the other day, so I racked it. Thought about how it was probably bad for my gerd, but honestly, it's bread, vegetables, meat, and mayo. Didn't finish all the fries. Ate it at Smith. I biked by Nick from trash rabbit at Smith. Said a quick hi by waving but I don't think either of us felt like saying a formal hi for real. I'm not gonna lie, they're quite cringe to me.
Got my oat milk, got home, and chilled for a second. Could feel myself falling asleep so I went outside. Walked to the convenince store for 2 modelo tall boys and ran into Drew. Chopped it up briefly. He invited me to come to exit with him because Tommy was about to borrow his cdj. I said I would be down but I'm ridiculously schlump. Lied and told him I was getting a gatorade or something from the convenience store when he asked if I was going grocery shopping.
Got the tall boys and started mixing some ohm songs. Sipped as slow as possible to combat gerd. Ideally I wouldn't drink at all, but whatever. I should check my blood pressure tomorrow. Or Thursday. The exp puncher sounded super good with DB's patch, but the busy bees verse could use a second draft. Just some layering issues, honestly.
Watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force until like 10:30 in the living room. It's a funny show. I can't believe there are 11 seasons. Gonna be a wild ride. I should watch soemthing else in the meantime. Maybe Dr. Katz, which Dane recommended. I should catch up on movies too. I wanted to finally watch Fire Walk With Me, especially since I have it on DVD, but I was way too schlump. Fell asleep at 10:30 and passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Woke up around 1am. Coffee was terrorizing me too. She's such a cutie though, she can do whatever she wants.
Decided I'd be late to work so I could get breakfast with Dane and Galia. Galia was super tired when she woke up so I kinda left her to be and I finally did the dishes. After everyone was up, I showered and we trooped to veggie galaxy. I got a bloody mary, which was honestly a horrible idea, since I had been experiencing extremely horrible gerd, and a roast beef sandwich with fries + pickles on the side. It was really good, not gonna lie. Worth the gerd? Idk.
After that we walked to 1369 and Bridget was there. She seemed kinda bummed on the jumpscare, but reassured me via text later on that it was very welcome. Dane asked "you cracked that bin?" This was our goodbye. Nick would situate Dane and Galia at the crib before going to skate and they would leave around 2pm, while I was at work. Sad. I loved having Dane and Galia over.
Got to work super late and had to help that undergrad Isabelle with something. We did a mini prep together. Fucked off after that. Left at 5.
Was gonna go chill in the park with Meera, Will, Odi, and Odi's friend but bailed after I got home. I told Jason he could come record. Cooked some shawarma chicken and got some guacamole to eat it with, but I didn't really realize that pepper can cause gerd. I'm so fucking stupid. Why.
Ohm came over and recorded on 3 songs. Meech was there too but he was minimally disruptive. For a sec I chilled with Nick but I mostly just caught up on this log while Ohm recorded. Pretty uneventful night, fortunately. Those guys dipped around midnight and I chilled until about 1am and fell asleep. Drank like 3 beers in total I think. PBR tall cans. Maybe 4. Could be better, could be worse. My gerd is fucked though. I think I have esophagitis.
Last night was quite the blur. Felt a little hungover when I woke up. Actually had a lot of GERD the night before and this morning. Woke up with my throat really scratchy. The modelo I opened and took a few sips of was basically completely full when I woke up. Youtube was paused on a video of Nuge, which leads me to believe that the algorithm somehow brought us back to skateboarding. We watched zered basset and other new england skater videos. So basically I think I have some kind of esophagitis caused by GERD. Was hard to swallow as well.
Galia and I walked to Pavement to get some food before Dane woke up. Mol, Josie, and Dev were all there. I asked when he started working there and he said it was his 2nd day. Mol joked "I saw you requested some time off, not happing" but Dev thought they were serious, lol. Sina and Doris came over to pick up Dane and Galia. They were going hiking in Milton. I think it would have been a great time but I was pretty hungover and Definitely needed to clean and do the dishes.
I ended up doing neither, but I did something music related that I have since forgotten about. Biked to F&F to link Teddy but he had already left. Pulled up on Teddy, Kai, and Reagan at this barbeque place in Harvard Square called 'smoke shop', but they had already finished eating. We biked to Davis for the Hong Kong festival, but I ducked into Mortadella Head to charge my phone and eat a slice.
Teddy tried to say there was no difference between a blue bike and a regular bike, which I just think is notably insane.
Got the chciken cutlet, broccoli, and ricotta slice from MH. it was horrible, not gonna lie. Such a shame because that place rules. Well, I learned my lesson. Left MH and those guys were all leaving the HK festival. They said it didn't seem that dope. We went to the comic book store, comicazi. I love that place. Got 2 pins, 2 gogos for Dane and Galia, and I got this little star wars plush for Julia. Max Rebo. I know that's kinda crazy, so I might not give it to them for a while, but I just like gifting. I saw there was hella star wars stuff and thought "I gotta get something for her."
After that the homies went home and I went to the lab. I finished innoculating some colonies, then Dane and Galia showed up. They loved seeing the facility. We walked to Union Square for the Bow market. It was really packed and there wasn't anything cool, but Teddy, E, Meera, Lexy, Charles, and George showed up. I figured we were all pretty schlump so I just got 2 delos from Prospect Hill, Dane and Galia got some bud from Cookie's, which was hilarious, ad we parked in the park. Very nice view. Tried to hacky sack but it wouldn't take. I tried to hacky earlier while waiting for Dane and Galia to show up but I think I was sore + my mephistos were not ideal. Had a lovely time in the park, then Sina and Paul picked up Dane and Galia to all reconvene at Sina's place. I biked there.
Justin and some other people showed up before Dane, Galia, Sina, and Paul. It was cool to see Justin, although he always kinda vibed me out, like there was always someone better to talk to. Smoked a little of Sina's za on the porch before I dipped. I felt a liiiiittle unwanted.
Stole some steak from Star Market and ate it with arugula while drinking more beers.
Chopped it up with Nick when I got home. Was a little high and sooooo tired. Told Dane and Galia there was no rush and I was in no danger of falling asleep, but that was a lie. I was ridiculously relieved when they got home, but it gave me a second wind. They loved chopping it up with Nick. Probably knocked around midnight.
It is now 8:40pm on 250602 that I am updating this. Ohm is recording on my laptop on the busy bees track off outside world. Meech is also here. It's ok but his phone ringer is on and the ping keeps sounding when he gets texts. But this is a good setup, I think. I'm getting stuff done. I don't care to entertain Meech. I don't think it's too too hot in the room.
On this day, Galia woke up way before Dane. We kicked it in the living room and Nick entertained us a little while he got ready for work. After Dane woke up I showered and we ubered to Faro to link Galia's friend from Daygo, Claire. Claire is your classic Somerville fixed gear rider: friends with Kit, Reid, Keith, etc. Was good to finally meet her though. Pretty early into me being back on hinge I got her suggested as my most compatible, which was funny. Wasn't super attracted to her off the hinge and photos I've seen on her IG but in person she's pretty attractive. She apparently had a thing for Kit but her best friend had been fucking them, which is kinda wild.
Meera pulled up to Faro and after chilling for a while we walked to Friends and Family. Meera let me buy her walter van bierendock jersey for half its price, which was insane. Can't wait to wear it.
We decided to meet George at Planet records and Isaac met us there as well. Before that we walked by the skincare store Maia (Nick's ex situationship) works at. She was actually super cordial with me although I think she has supposedly hung out with Carrie often (not really sure how often, if much at all recently) since shit went down between her and Nick. She asked me what my shrt said and I rather stupidly pointed to it and said "it says finga yo ass" which was possibly the dumbest thing I've ever said. It was fine though.
Record store was awesome. Possibly best one I've ever been to. Got a rare Something About Airplanes by Death Cab for Cutie cd, a Dead Milkmen 'Now We're 20' compilation, and this record by Danger Mouse and Jemini The Gifted One called 'Ghetto Pop Life' from 2003. I had never heard it nor heard of it, but the cover art is so fucking cool that I trusted it. It wasn't too expensive. The following day I listened to it on Spotify while biking and it was sick. Some of the samples were kinda lame and I hate how Jemini feels the need to do a 'singing' hook on every song, but it's interesting. A nice change. A good vibe.
We decided to walk to Cicada for food. Started coordinating with Fern on where he'd meet us and when he'd move his stuff in. Got a noodle bowl (which they ended up making a black rice bowl, which was ok) with smoked salmon. Very expensive, very filling, very healthy. Their coffee wasn't bad either. Got an iced americao with a little oat milk. Definitely more than a little but it was ok. I need to offset as much acid intake as possible. As I will write further on, my GERD has actually gotten quite bad.
After lunch is where we all parted ways. Isaac and I went back to my place, George trekked back to Chelsea, Meera went somewhere, Claire went somewhere, and Dane and Galia got picked up by Sina to go to the Cambridge Antique Market. At this point it was only 2:30pm. Very early. On the way back to my place, walking in the rain, fern and Lauren drove beside me. I hopped in the car and Isaac biked the rest of the way to my place. We arrived at the same time. Fern and Lauren caught a ride with Lauren's coworker Kacey. They parked their uhaul in the parking lot of the building that used to make frames for Lauren's art gallery. I forget the name of the gallery but I want to visit sometime.
Fern and Lauren went to get food while Isaac and I watched fix gear bike riding videos. MASH SF from 2007. These guys have incredible swag. Really makes me want to ride fixed. I will inspect and dissect these videos to steal swag. It's cooler than anything else going on right now, that's for sure.
Fern finally gave me the gift he got me: Faux Pas by Amy Sillman. A collection of selected writings and drawings. Lauren used it for her thesis. I felt bad because I forgot some of the names Lauren mentioned to me that I discussed with her after reading her thesis. I hope she didn't think I was fake, I'm just forgetful. That's why I want to write everythig down all the time!
Dane and Galia got back around 5pm, the same time Drew (DJ Brian Seacrest) showed up. Sina and Doris Irish Exited. Isaac, Lauren, Fern, and I were all posted outside hacky sacking when everyone showed up. We let Dane and Galia inside and chopped it up a little. We watched footwork, dancehall, fixed gear bike riding, and Colin Fiske skate videos. Dane was knocked and Galia was also kind of tired so Isaac, Fern, Lauren, Drew and I went outside to hacky sack more. It's funny: during the original hacky sack session, Severen passed by us walking down Easton street. Then, three hours later, during the second sesh, he passed by us walking up Easton. It's funny to imagine that he thoiught we were hackying for 3 hours.
Hackying with those 4 was possibly the most fun I've had in a long, long time. So pure so fun. Also, I drank a beer while Isaac was here before anyone else pulled up but I was mostly alcoholless. *break* Just lost my train of thought because ohm finished his verse on busy bees and we had to tweak something. Back to 250531. Hackying was such a blast. Maybe kind of like skating, it was nice to be good at something. Hanging out with Lauren is a blast. Kind of just reminds me that Carrie wouldn't even be able to do anything like that. It's sad. It was an awesome time.
Came up with a joke that if we accidentally hacky sacked in a pentagram formation we would summon the devil, but he'd be a white stoner with dreads wearing a drug rug asking to get in on our game, and when we vibed him out he'd send a horde of white rastas to flood the streets like an even worse world war z. The following morning I told Nick he should steal it and do it at comedy but he didn't fuck with it.
Walked to the liqour store and got some beers to pregame for the sil. Drew walked home from there. Went back to the crib and Dane and Galia had just woken up from their nap. I asked Dane what he wanted to do and he said 'make tunes.'
Convinced fern to let us use his laptop. He played Dane some recent stuff we've made and loaded up an exp beat. When I sent exp the snip of us using that beat he was hyped. Lauren and Galia even hopped on the beat. Very experimental exquisite corpse style. I told EXP I'm not sure he'll like it and he said he doesn't know why I'd say that but he's excited to find out. It was beautiful to hear Lauren and Galia on the track. Fern said he and Lauren actually have made music together recently. Makes me jealous that it didn't work out with Carrie, but they were inhibited and uninterested in experimenting. We were gonna be Molly Ringwald and The Catgirl. Also I was just worse at producing then. I got better at everything when Carrie broke up with me. Bad relationship where we prioritized different things. Maybe there's a part of me that genuinely self sabotages because I want to inadvertantly cause change. Weird thought. I'm realistically in a good position now though.
Finished tunes, fern and lauren went to bed, then Dane, Galia, Isaac, and I trekked to the sil.
Nick was getting home as we were leaving. It's funny, Dane misstook Nick for Katebi. We chopped it up for a little in the hallway and I think it amped Dane up. Nick is such a nice, likeable guy, and I'm glad he showed the homies a good time.
Barely any line and we got the dart board pretty quickly. Sina pulled up. There weren't any other random homies there and it was very very dead for a Saturday night. Isaac felt some type of way about this tatt girl who he played pool with at Harry's the night before. I was also hella into her, not gonna lie, but I let Isaac spit his game. Sina and I sucked ass at darts. Actually, they were nice but I sucked. Honestly, I was tanked. We left as the sil was closing. We went across the street to burger king and I ordered hella food for everyone. We walked back to the crib and knocked. Isaac slept over. We put on the simpsons and I cracked open one last delo. Fell asleep almost instantly.
Woke up early at like 7, lab meeting, cleaned, did the dishes, took out the trash, etc. Decided I'd chill til Dane and Galia arrived, then I'd situate them and run to work quickly.
Hyperfixated on Tracy Morgan for some reason. Drank a beer before Dane and Galia pulled up. Dane and Galia arrived at like 1pm looking disheveled from their travels. They showered and got Pavement sandwiches while I jetted to work. Cleaned embryos and talked to Kara briefly. She's hyped on this knew dude she's into. I'm hyped for her.
Went to the gentlemen's store and got some tobacco. Also got some for Galia cuz I got All Tomorrow's by William Gibson for Dane when I was in NYC. The person working there was really cool and mad nice. Overheard her say she's from Lexington.
Jetted to meet Dane and Galia by the river in lower allston. Ran into Arthur and Cooper, which was cool. Arthur asked what I was on tonight and I told him about Qad's party. He said we should link if not up to anything. I didn't have the right # for him unfortunately.
Dane, Galia, and I hung out by the river then stopped at the crib before getting Habanero (I got birria tacos) and eating in Ringer Park. I stopped by the liq to get a six pack of PBR tall cans, then we went to Sina and Doris's place to chill with them. In the past, Sina and I have always been on and off homies. This time we all chilled hard and I really enjoyed the time I spent with him. Just kicked it there for a little beofre they were all goimg to the MIKE show, but Galia left her wallet at my place so we all walked back to get it, then they ubered from there. I took a second to drink another beer before calling Teddy and jetting to Qad's rent party.
Had an exhausting bike ride over, not gonna lie, and got there right as Colonel Starr (Rio, with some accompaniement by Teddy and E) started playing. There wasn't anyone there, but since I didn't RSVP I couldn't get in. They were being pretty wack with it. I'm loosely the homie and they tried to pretend they didn't know me. Really just Milli (I think that's their name) and Pino. Drew was there and it was good to see them for the first time in a while. Qad was nice but adamanet that I should just RSVP and get added to the waitlist.
Just chilled outside the show and drank a beer before the Colonel Starr set was over. Chopped it up with Teddy for a second. Saw Yoshi Alex which was awesome. Tried to walk in with Teddy and he got stopped by Pino asking where his wristband was haha. He said "I just played" and walked in. I asked Pino "I'm just staying for the jim rat set, can I give you 5 (extending a 10)?" They took my 10 and I asked "do you have change for that?" to which they said no with a little attitude. I was pretty over it at this point so I said "Ok so let me have that back" and while I was looking for a 5 they asked "wait who are you?" to which I said "I was just tryna get i- I'm just gonna leave." I satrted walking away and they super apologeticallt chased after me and said "So sorry Arman I'm just really tressed, it's a hectic night, you should stay" etc etc. I just said "It's all good I've also had a super long day so I should just go home." Then I left and waited outside the MIKE show for it to be over.
Was tryna peacefully drink a beer on the bench but I was mobbed by an Allston homeless guy named Geronimo who I've seen a million times and these two damn-near high school freshmen who were trying to get beer from people walking around outside the venue. Geronimo said he'd buy them beer for a cigarette but he didn't have his ID (not that he needed it).
Spun the block to get away from everyone and by the time I was back, Sina, Doris, Dane, and Galia were walking out of the show. Fidel, Diz, Ahmed, and some of their friends were also there. I really fuck with Fidel. Always hope to see him around more often. We just went and chilled at Sina's place more, then trooped back to my place and knocked. Smoked a little weed, as in one hit, and got kinda dumb but fell asleep really early.
Checked my bank account. Checking: $905.30 Savings: $1,808.39. Getting paid $1,799.84 tomorrow.
Ughhhhhhhh it's 250602 and I have not updated for the past 4 days. Fuck my life. Just such a crazy weekend because Dane and Galia visited. Anyways, tonight was the night of the show. I do not think anything notable at all happened at work, if I remember correctly. Dillon pulled up adn we drove to the show. Carter, Jason, and Gavin pulled up. Helped set everything up and, unfortunately, we couldn't get the mic loud enough. Everyone was chilling and things were fun. Walked to the liquor store. Fern pulled up. Ethan went on and nobody cared. Stacy went on right after, which was a lot sicker. Told everyone to take a smoke break and apollo spun on some tunes. Figured no one was coming in so I started playing. It was fun but nobody came in. Very annoyed at cuck zine. Very annoyed at Ethan. Heard from Sophie later on that the written guys posted the address without permission, but it would have been an easy fix for Jack (cuck guy) to communicate with them. I'm so glad Jack's leaving Boston. Cancer to the city. The one time cuck zine is putting on a non-guitar music show and they didn't promote it at all. And Ethan's apologetic to him! Ethan's moving to NYC tomorrow and I'm thrilled. Weird ass freak. Glad I don't need to put up with him looking at me all weird anymore.
Hung out with the guys outside the house and smoked some cigs/drank the last beer. Chopped it up. They all reassured me it was fun even though nobody came inside for our set. There were a lot of people there though, so I assumed I'd at least be getting paid. Well, Stacy told me that he was working door, then supposedly passed the duty to someone else who completely ignored the task and only 7 people paid for the show. We would have gotten $10. i'm just gonna send him Dillon's cashapp rn. I can't lie, I was pissed. Fuck cuckzine. Whatever.
Apollo drove carter and I home and I knocked.
At least we got some fire photos.
Forgot to say I talked to this girl Katherine who did live blender visuals for the show and her friend outside the show at the end. She's really cute and interesting and home for the summer. We exchanged IGs and she responded to the note I posted a few days later. Kinda cool how we didn't meet on an app.
Forgot to set an alarm last night and woke up at like 7:15. So fucking schlump. Been so hard to wake up lately. Probably not getting enough sleep at all. Such a shame. I need sleep.
Made it to work right before a knock-in update meeting at 9. Was hoping I'd make it by 8 so I could leave at 3, but I think I'll still leave at 3 and just stay a little later tomorrow. The show I'm doing is at 10:30pm and I'm on at 11:30 supposedly, which is ridiculous.
Chilling with Bridget later, hopefully in ringer. I hope all my timing works out. I still wanna skate and eat some wings. I wish I brought a fucking banana to work ugh. If I leave at 3, I'll prob skate from like 4-5. Then I'd go get wings, then shower, and be gtg at 8, which is a little late for this Bridget link. It'd be awesome if she dipped kinda early and I could work on tunes after.
Ok I think I will jet to whole foods real quick and get some nosh. pizza, salad, and banana??? No this is Odee. I feel insane. If I feel I need to do this, I should. I'm gonna go right now.
Low key did not need to eat that much but it was fine. Slice of supreme pizza, lots salad on top (method) and a banana. Had my lunch coffee. Realized no one would care if I left at 3 so I did.
Skate sesh was remarkable. I landed almost all my tricks. Back to being the best I ever have been at skating again. This is awesome. I went at tricks faster than usual and without fear. I did slam on a nosegrind and really fucked up my right big toe. When I took my sock off later there was a pool of blood where the nail meets the toe.
Relearned front pivots and learned tailslides on qps.
Bridget cancelled due to fever. Relieved. Just drank brews and made tunes instead.
Recorded on a jupps open prod exp that jupps wanted me to get on. Not sure what he's gonna think. Recorded the 'she's not cutty' song on an exp beat for the dipshit hipstar project. Thought about the fiddler the whole time. They lyrics, which are in the soundcloud description, are all about her.
Chilled with Eamon, Eddie, and Nick for a little just catching up. Tried to finish The Rehearsal but started falling asleep 8min into the finale. I tried to do the "Reading the Mind in the Eyes" test and got a 68%. Well, maybe I'm a little autistic (no surprise), but without a diagnosis, it's good to know that I can say I show symptoms and have difficulty telling what peoples' emotions are sometimes, which definitely causes me anxiety. Lol like not knowing what the fiddler's thinking because they're not very expressive but also not really being able to tell how much of a type of way Van felt towards me. Also Van has a new partner and they hardlaunched and it's so weird. Anyways, comforting test, whether valid or not.
I drank 6 pbr tall cans. Not ideal. Can't remember when I went to sleep.
I will say, logging these drinks makes me more moderate and makes me feel better. I think I'm letting myself be bored enough to drink. There are exciting things to do!
Still haven't paid my bills.. yikes.
Woke up crazy tired at 6am. Said what's up to Nick in the morning. Took my time and eventually made my way to work and got there at 9. I shit 4 times before going to work and once at work. My stomach was in shambles. Why does Shah need to fuck me up so much? It tastes so good and is so cheap.
Chill work day. Lab was dead. Ate a sandwich from the wine and cheese cask because I needed to replace the shah's in my stomach and thought bread would be good. My method is now to replace the green and red peppers, which are raw, with pickles and tomatoes. Makes the sandwich a little wetter and I just can't think of an italian without those two. The peppers kinda fuck it all up.
Left my headphones in Dillon's van, so I gotta trek to the roxbury stu at 7:30 to go get them, unfortunately.
Somehow already almost 5pm. Not looking forward to cleaning, but gotta do what you gotta do. Need to clean my sheets too cuz Bridget's coming my way tomorrow. I feel more confident after being hard for that guy for an hour and a half. Granted, he was an incredible eater and Bridget gives the worst head of all time. Whatever.
Leaving work right now at 5:00pm. Racking chap stick from CVS on the way home. My lips are so dry.
Got home, threw my sheets in the wash, and put away my clothes. Drank a brew and watched a hivemind video.
Forgot to say that Julia finally hit me back this morning. She said she 'died' this past weekend, which honestly, same. She seemed hyped on the movie list I sent her. Sadly, she is gone this weekend to play a wedding and leaving Thursday night to spend a day in NYC. Can't wait to see her again this weekend.
Started writing for a jupps open cuz I didn't have my headphones. Fern pulled up and we chopped it up and smoked on the porch. Started going over outside world and listened to everything. While doing that bonx, cian, and notthesun showed up. We just passed around laptops and made beats for a few hours. Took a walk to the liq but I didn't get anything.
Fern was leaving and the other dudes were going to cian's, so I took the opportunity to bike to jackson square and get my headphones from apollo. The stu setup was so insane, lol. 7 had a whole squad there recording him with a massive interface. Kinda OD lol but it was sick. His homies there were so deebo. Grabbed my headphones and jetted home. Ate a little of my second Shah's bowl before leaving for jackson and it was a pretty big mistake. I felt like shit but didn't want it to go to waste. Ate even more when I got home and drank one more beer while watching something on youtube. I don't even remember what it was. I think that was either 3 or 4 pbr tall cans over the course of 8 hours, which could be worse. My blood pressure was higher today than last time, but not by much. Knocked way too late.
Woke up late and got a sausage egg and cheese. Basically just chilled and got ready to go. Ubered to the C because Dillon wanted to. Took the C to Penn station. Caught the 3:11pm train to New Jersey. Ubered to Dillon's job's warehouse in NJ. Started driving. Stopped at a mall somewhere in NJ to get a coffee n Dillon got a burrito. Funny ass mall. Drove a little further to a gas station and smoked a cigarette. Listened to the Lincoln Park album on CD that I gifted Dillon for his birthday, which was Friday. Got to Hartford CT and got some beer + chilled by the river. It's really funny: next time I see Julie I'm gonna ask her why she never brought me to the river. Nicest part of Hartford I've ever been in. Most redeeming quality by far. We blasted tunes and kept driving. Drinking made it more fun. i Hadn't counted any drinks this weekend but there were a lot. I mostly feel fine though. Peed on the side of the highway. We trooped and I got home at around 10:30pm. Absolutely insane amount of time just to travel from NYC to Boston. C'est la vie. It was chill. Kinda want a couple day break from Dillon though, haha. Sometimes he's too edgy for me. It's cringe to me sometimes. Ordered shah's halal cuz it's cheap and I love it. Went to the liquor store in the meantime and got a 6'er of PBR tall cans. The new stickers came in the mail, actually right after I left on Friday >:(, and I finally got to take a look at them and put some up around LA. They look good. Honestly maybe should have run all-white clear stickers. C'est la vie. I'm definitely selling them for $2 each though. Drank one beer and ate Shah's then knocked. I need to chiiiiiiiiiill.
Woke up early and jetted to Winnies to pick up my card, because apple maps said the opened at noon. Waited til about 12:20 then went to get a coffee and give them a little time to open. It's a slacker skater bar after all. Went to this store called Aeon books that had a lot of Artaud for some reason. Got All Tomorrows by William Gibson for $4 as a gift for Dane and Galia (moreso for Dane, admittedly). Went back to Winnie's at 1pm and, no surprise, not open. This is when I had the bright idea to check google instead of apple maps for Winnie's opening time. 8pm. Like a fucking idiot.
Went to the B&U house to get all the stuff I left there Friday night. Kicked it with Jupps and Wyatt for a second. Jupps took some money out of the atm and i venmo'd him. After that I brought the trumpet back to Mena, who was unfortunately feeling a little under the weather and wouldn't be able to pop out to the brew inn later, where Dane, Galia, and Melissa were linking up cuz Jonathan was bartending. Went back to tebi's for a second and asked poet for some food recs. He told me to go to B&K fish market, where they have really cheap combos. I got 2 pieces of catfish, some shrimp, and rice for $9, and it was more than enough for 2 meals. Dane told me he was planning on seeing a movie with the other homies at 6:20, so I was running extremely late. I jetted back to Tebi's, showered as fast as possible, and booked it to the brew inn.
Turns out the 6pm showing already sold out so they were gonna go to Williamsburg for the second showing at ~9pm. This gave us ample time to hang out. Apollo kept trying to link and I was low key like 'bro either come here or i'll see you in manhattan later'. Casper called me and told me he left our conversation a little sad yesterday. I did good damage control and he said he wasn't bummed anymore. Sebastian from college pulled up, which was cool. We get along much better than we used to. Melissa was acting cute as hell. I remember I was on the verge of cheating on my ex ex when I first met her. We hit it off all those years ago. Must have been late 2020-early 2021. I got her number and will definitely hit her up when I'm back in NY.
Everyone was leaving the brew inn, I said goodbye to Jonathan and Tomas, and I headed to manhattan to pick up my card.
Kenneth's brother Lee was there watching the Knick's game, which was cool. I hadn't seen him in a long time. Probably a little under 2 years. Good quick catch-up.
I grabbed a brew from the bodega and trekked to the Bowery Electric, where rxckett, 1, and noah were for the babyosama show. Exp also pulled up to say bye. We all kicked it and trekked to the afterparty, which was 700ft from Tebi's crib. This girl DJing got us in. We got in and went upstairs to the roof. It was super cool and the view was dope, but the dj (mellow, the girl who let us in), was honestly fucking up Odee and the cops shit ts down within 15 minutes of us getting there anyways. Got some popeyes again and kicked it with rxckett for a sec before he dipped. Apollo and i ran into Aidean Yobear while he was walking home from work, which was sick. Ifw that dude heavy. He expressed that he would be down for doing a show together in Boston.
Tebi came out and linked us at ~1:30. We went to the turtle bar. They were playing hella 2000s music. They had 2 live turtles in the bar. Had one drink, was basically already super loaded, and the bar was so crowded. Walked back to tebi's and knocked.
Didn't actually knock... got my meat sucked by a sniffie's guy like right around the corner from Tebi's crib. He was chill as fuck and edged me for like an hour and a half. It was awesome, not gonna lie, I busted possibly harder than I ever have in my life, and I hadn't cum in like a week. Walked back to Tebi's and it was like 5:30am, and finally knocked.
Not too hungover, but definitely tired as fuck and a little drained/dry. Walked to dunks with poet n tebi. Got a large black iced coffee. The girl I was going to hang out with tonight texted me last night to say she was sick and couldn't hang. The other girl who I was trying to hang out with, who I met on tik tok years ago of all places, also wasn't able to hang last night, but I asked her if she wanted to link Sunday night. I can't tell if she's a lesbian or not.
Just getting the day slowly started. It's now 11:39am. Lackluster update, but whatever.
It is now 10:24AM on 250527. I am at work. Will need to update later, most likely. Dreading it. This weekend was a blur. Should have written more to improve recollection.
It is now 2:19pm. All staff meeting in 40 minutes. Let's see if I can do this.
back to 250524
Got a muffin, banana, and a coffee + took pics of graff.
Took the train to ocean hill park with apollo n tebi. Insane coincidence but peagle and liam from prov were there. Park was actually so hectic and I skated horribly. The park kinda forces you to skate fast, but it's so fucking slippery that it's kinda terrifying. Was really good to see Liam though. He told me david lemmel has a really good new band called xbongx. Maybe I'll bring Jera down to prov. Just so glad I saw Liam in person cuz I think not having seen those guys for a long time scared me out of reaching out. Now I have a buddy to hit up n see what's good. The b&u guys linked up and we decided to all skate Utica DIY from the limosine squad videos instead.
Utica was so fun. I think Apollo was kinda bummed tho cuz he just wanted to skate a manual pad. I did my usuals. No impossible and no smith though. I did a really nice back nosegrind for my standards. Some random dudes there were fixing a ledge, which kinda sucked for me cuz the ledge was nice, but it's ok. It forced me to skate the big ledge.
Chris kept wanting to link up even though he doesn't skate lol but it worked out I think.
Went back to Tebi's crib, showered and shit, and I left for the art show.
Way too much shit went down, honestly. The minions art show was amazing. We all just chilled outside for hours. Probably from like 7:30 to 10:30. I just love chilling with my art hipsta friends. Wyatt said his art wasn't gonna be in the show cuz his piece sold, but it still was! It's such a good one. I saw Max Palmer and said "I think I met you at Diego's birthday last year." I'm glad he didn't remember me. Left the art show and went to this bar around the corner. Ran into Edward Skeletrix, which was awesome. I basically just said thanks for putting on for fern. Was gonna go on the roof of this building where all the dirtnap heads were gonna paint but apollo n tebi didn't get the memo that we were outside the bar. I just went up on the roof and we linked them later. Dan loves to be inside random ass bars. He has horrible taste in bars in general, not gonna lie.
After those guys painted we went downstairs and kept hanging out. Oh by the way I told Casper that the true pg vocal front will still prob just be cart, ohm, fern, and myself. He asked me to clarify and asked 'so are you kicking [dudes] out?' to which I said no. Everyone said he seemed fine but I could tell he was pretty bummed. He didn't come to the bar.
Willow's bag got stolen, which was a pretty big blow to the evening. Was good overall though for sure, but obviously unfortunate for Willow. Jonathan left and it was down to Apollo, Tebi, and me. Apollo got drunker than he ever has in his life, which was a little weird. He kept saying how he needed to find Asian girls. Sometimes he can be an edgelord with no chill, not gonna lie.
Went to Winnie's for some reason. I wanted to see if any homies were there and there weren't. We tried to talk to girls but it didn't take. I realized I left my fucking card there (which I used to pay for one fucking beer, like a child) when we went to Popeye's in Bushwick later. Went back to the crib way earlier than the previous night and hit the hay around 3 or 3:30.
Was supposed to wake up at 4:30am, but actually woke up at more like 5:00am. Coffee fucking shit on the bath matt in the bathroom because I accidentallly turned her litter box around and blocked the opening when I cleaned it yesterday. Threw the bath matt in the washer and forgot to transfer it to the dryer. Packed and everything, then went to dunking to grab a meal deal. Ate the hash browns and a banana, had a coffee from home + the medium iced coffee from dunks on the way to the bus. It was freezing.
Bus at 8:30am. Read a lot of Death in Midsummer. Found it hard to stay awake and focus at times. Fell asleep for the last ~1hr of the bus ride. Got off and caught a really quick train to tebi's. Everyone was home: Tebi (obviously), Bobby Horror, Chinapoet, and Omar. Apollo went to get a haircut but he was otw back.
Picked up a trumpet for the video shoot with exp from Mena. Wild ass coincidence. She had just gotten home from work, so we didn't really kick it, but I invited her to come chill at the Brew Inn on Sunday (Jonathan's bar).
Hung out with everyone at Tebi's before they went rock climbing. I was not trying to spend $40 on that so I went and linked the B&U guys. Jakob was just leaving for work, so it was really Wyatt, Jupps, notforever, and I hanging out. Just kicked it and started a new song on an exp beat. Exquisite corpse style. Got some pizza after casper pulled up, and exp met us there. Apollo and Karonte showed up and we fucked off getting ready for the video for a super long time. Filmed it in the park next to their crib and went back to the crib after. Apollo left to go link Tebi.
Walked to Birdy's to link Tebi, Apollo, and this dude Bill Nykon at like 1am. Juliette wasn't working, unfortunately. From here on out the night was kind of a blur. It was Apollo's birthday so we got tanked. After Birdy's we went to this latino bar called Seneca. I think it was Puerto Rican. Hella girls throwing ass on guys in this little ass bar. Then, we went to this millenial ass pinball bar down the street to catch more of a chill vibe. I took a shot (more like a half shot) that Tebi bought me at Seneca and I started getting really fucked up. Went to a diner and left at like 4:30am. Walked back to Tebi's crib and knocked at around 5am.
Feeling mentally fucked up about running into Carrie. Ugh.
Idk why but it feels like my dick doesn't work. Maybe cigarettes. Apparently cigarettes and high blood pressure cause ED. Closely linked. That's it, no more alcohol in excess. I'm going to new york, im sure people are gonna turn up, but damn, I care way more about my dick than alcohol, I think. The cigarettes are really when this started. I'm going to use my monitor today.
Also nervous about getting STD tested. I know I'm fine though. Just want peace of mind.
Took the bus to work cuz it was raining. Arrived at around 9:10. Listened to Digital Poetry by Pink Lung again.
I just want to be so busy and stimulated that I'm not even thinking about drinking.
Hanging out with Bridget later. Feeling like shit. Oh God. I don't want to bail again. I need to be honest with myself: I need to bail on hanging out. Did it. Like be fr, man. I got so much shit to do, I can't hang out with her. It'd make me nervous anyways. Ever since I couldn't get it up with her I've been super nervous. Maybe I need to get sucked off by a guy or something. That does the trick. I'm even nervous to hang out with donut girl.
Now it's 10:37am. I should get work started. I almost want to take half a sick day or something.
Taking half a sick day. Talking to Kara cheered me up. I'm actually really really really excited to go home early. Wow. Partially wish I didn't need to go to the doctor, but maybe I'll treat myself or something, idk. Anything's better than drinking atm, even overeating. Just trying to be chill to myself.
Ate a banana at 12pm and drank my second coffee. First meal of the day.
Told Bridget I was bailing. She sent a heartbreak emoji and called me "bb" in the text she sent back.
Went to the the doctor. Got my labs done. Went home and cleaned. It is now the morning of 250524 that I'm updating this. Unfortunately, it was all been a whirlwind and I don't remember much. I think I cleaned the litter box, took out the trash, swept the kitchen and living room, and organized. My room looks like shit.
Finished reading From Hell. So good, what else can even be said that hasn't been said by Jimmy Falun Gong? Watched Home Movies and drank a lil more and went to sleep pretty early. Drank 3 pbr tall cans in total.
Woke up around 5:30 and snoozed til 6. Drank a coffee and showered. Need to shave tonight after going to the model. Also need to clean and work on music stuff. I've been slacking. Had to leave at 7:30 to walk my bike to work. My mood got worse and worse as I walked. I'm just down today. Got to work just before 8.
I do not feel very good mentally. I just hate that I try to make people care about this music shit and I'm not happy with the direction the outside world project is going. I feel so insecure today. Lame, fat, unlikeable. I don't know why. I'm unconfident.
I'm frustrated by the actions of other people but they are on their own journey.
At least I'm skating.
Nervous I'm not gonna get enough done in NYC. Whatever. I'm just insecure that people don't like me or are mad at me, IDK why.
The weather is also bothering me a lot.
Updating morning of 250522. I don't even really remember what I did at the end of the workday, but I had a spare hour and a half. Actually I made this document, Manifesto of a Phage.' Then I tried reading the Kodwo Eshun article 'motion capture' from the CCRU's swarm1. Really cool afrofuturism. My favorite quote, although I haven't finished the article yet:
"So I follow scratchadelia through Grandmaster Flash into electro, with another group called Knights of the Turntable. And I follow it through to Goldie and 4 Hero, specifically in terms of graffiti, in terms of breakbeat's involution via wildstyle. Cos graffiti wildstyle is like this cryptographic language, in which the single letter turns into a typographic environment that you literally enter. And it's like doing a kind of origami of the head. You have to see it in the head. Your whole head is seized in this origami motion. It's very much like a perceptual gymnastics, looking at Wildstyle. So that's what happens to graffiti, and there's a big interface between graffiti and the break. Goldie says things like, "My beats are sculpted in 4D, in four dimensions." And, similarly, there's this famous graffiti guy called Kaze-2 who, back in 89, was already talking about the step beyond wildstyle. Wildstyle was 3D, but Kaze-2 was talking about five dimensions, he was talking about computer style. He said, "In my work I do the computer style, I do the five step dimensional parallel step staircase." This is straight out of Escher. So basically I follow breakbeat science right from this isolation of the rhythmic DNA right through to its Escherization, right through to its moment of involution."
Helped me write "The Phages do not comprise a music, art, or even literature collective. They are cryptographers, folding messages into shapes that manifest into forms like origami" for the manifesto.
That girl I met at Peter Pan Donuts got back to me. I think we're gonna link later on Saturday night.
Went to the bike shop at 3. Spent over $100 on a new tire + tube, as well as a spare tube. Fortunately this means I can feel comfortable going on a long bike ride.
Went to Lulu's. Ate 12 wings and drank 2 tall boys. First meal of the day.
Ate a banana. Went to the gas station while Nick cooked and got 2 stella tall boys. Drank one before going to the model. I told Nick I was nervous about the possibility of running into Carrie, but he thought there was no way they'd be there. I also assumed they wouldn't be there. Well, we biked over. Saw Carrie standing outside and turned around. Really awkward. I turned my head and saw them move closer to the edge of the sidewalk to get a look. Nick made eye contact with them. I don't know who they were with. I want to say this didn't dampen my mood, but it really did. Nick and I went home. Maybe he can do comedy at the midway. That'd be a nice bike ride. I keep thinking that maybe eventually Carrie and I can be friends and be chill in each others' presence, but it doesn't seem like that's gonna happen for a while. I know consciously that it was a great decision to break up and that my life is pretty awesome now and I can do whatever I want while Carrie's still doomed by their illness, but I'm still fucked up. Just trying to feel my sadness and not ignore it. Wish I didn't see them but shit happens. It's a big world that is often ridiculously small. I'm glad they're making the most of comedy though.
Drank another stella tall boy. Watched American Beauty with Nick. He said it was a good movie to watch after seeing your ex. I guess he was right? I liked it a lot, to be honest. Just kinda felt like a 'life could always be better...or worse' message. Do what you gotta do I guess. It did speak to me in some way. Nick said it's all about being an epic guy and not giving a shit but I don't know. I think if some kinda order wasn't broken the protagonist would still be alive. Also, is it supposed to be dope or something that he didn't fuck his daughter's friend? Reminds me of how apparently Jamie Stewart was going to meet up with an underaged boy but decided not to at the last minute. Teddy told me that this was detailed in his memkoir, apparently. Is that supposed to be commendable?! Drank a leftover regular-sized modelo.
Went to the liquor store and got a 6-pack of pbr tall cans. Drank one while watching Pedal (2001) by Peter Sutherland. I think I definitely drank od for a wednesday because I saw Carrie.
Pedal was really cool. A messenger/dispatcher said there are civilians, criminals, and outlaws, with messengers falling under outlaws. I think this is the life worth living. Not quite being on the surface, always avoiding the spectacle. It's cool to do something literally alternative. Anyways I really liked the doc. Some real characters. It's just cool, gatekept, and in a way, cryptographic to know ones' way around a city in a subculture that no one else knows. Kinda similar to graffiti. Untouched by outside culture (for the most part) in my opinion.
Ate some tortilla chips and drank one more small modelo while watching Home Movies in bed. Coffee curled up next to me.
Finished Julia's movie list:
My nails are starting to get long. Same with my facial hair and pubes. Seems like it happens faster all the time. Today is one of the first days I look in the mirror and notice that my hair is taking on a kind of ovular, wide shape, meaning I need to get it cut. I'm nervous, but want to do something extreme. I'll assess my options. Truth be told, I just can't think help but think of 'they who will not be named' when thinking about getting a haircut.
Lazily gave up on my goal of skating yesterday. In hindsight, it was valid. I was ridiculously sore. So sore that it requires italics. But that means I need to skate today. I think Isaac wants to skate. Just gotta put the shoes on and get out the door, lol. And stretch after skating, not just before.
Woke up later than expected, whatever, got to work "on time" enough. I feel like my evisus smell old. I feel better today, a little sore, but my gut feels ok. Maybe I'll dip out and grab a banana and kombucha from whole foods or something. I think I should take care of my gut more. My lunch yesterday was great, but a little too much. Maybe I'll eat two bananas. Maybe.
I didn't smoke at all yesterday, which is good. I gotta limit it. I'm acidifying my body in everay way, need to combat it. Milk, butter, bread, and bananas are basic. I got oat milk for my morning coffee, so that should combat the coffee's acidity.
Going to New York this weekend. Wish I could go to Philly and drive back with Julia, but she's leaving Monday morning. It would only make sense if I stayed 'til Tuesday. Jonathan's still down to hang. He told me to go to the Brew Inn on Sunday. Need to figure out what MV to shoot with the B&U guys. Just texted J. Also need to make that spreadsheet finally and share it with Tebi. Last night I told that girl I met at peter pan donuts in greenpoint a few months ago that I was gonna be around this weekend if she wanted to hang out. No response as of 12hrs ago unfortunately. Maybe she deleted her ig, like Arthur. I got huzz I could hit up, but maybe that would be foul. It's so funny, I always second guess myself when I haven't been around my friends (in this case, for one day). It's ok if I want to link huzz in NY. Maybe was also nervous because I double texted Julia between Sunday evening and Monday morning. She didn't respond at all until this morning (Tuesday) but double-texted me. So stupid but I just need some reassurance sometimes. I want her to like me. I had the intrusive thought of her ghosting me or texting me a long paragraph about not wanting to see me, which is insane. Sometimes when I'm alone I get way more insecure than when I'm around other people. Especially people I know and who I know like my presence.
Actually kinda stressed about music shit. I feel like I made a mistake adding Casper to pg.
I had a dream that I was chilling with billgatezz and fabii. What could have been. Makes me sad.
Seattle dude who knows jera and booked me said the venue we're supposed to do the show at on June 27th is ghosting, which is disappointing. Hope I didn't stress him out by hitting him up. Said his life's been hectic recently but apologized for not updating me. I reassured him everything's all good. Hope the show still works out though. Womp womp.
Ate a banana and drank a kombucha from whole foods.
Nick land - Meltdown
A proto-phage story.
"Metrophage: an interactively escalating parasitic replicator, sophisticating itself through nonlinear involvement with technocapitalist immunocrash. Its hypervirulent terminal subroutines are variously designated Kuang, meltdown virus, or futuristic æflu."
"[A] retrochronal semiovirus, in which a time further in the future than the one in which we exist and choose infects the host present, reproducing itself in simulacra, until it destroys all the original chronocytes of the host imagination. [Cs1: 26]."
"The fusion of the military and the entertainments industry consummates a long engagement: convergent TV, telecoms, and computers sliding mass software consumption into neojungle and total war. The way games work begins to matter completely, and cyberspace makes a superlative torture chamber. Try not to let the security-types take you to the stims."
"Learning surrenders control to the future, threatening established power. It is vigorously suppressed by all political structures, which replace it with a docilizing and conformist education, reproducing privilege as wisdom. Schools are social devices whose specific function is to incapicitate learning, and universities are employed to legitimate schooling through perpetual reconstitution of global social memory. The meltdown of metropolitan education systems in the near future is accompanied by a quasi-punctual bottom-up takeover of academic institutions, precipitating their mutation into amnesiac cataspace-exploration zones and bases manufacturing cyberian soft-weaponry."
Not only is this science-in-fiction, but it is also cryptographical writing (in a more extreme way, yet comparable to Pynchon). So extreme and difficult to parse that it claws its way outside the spectacle. Like Steyerl said: 'committed, but not beurocratic'.
end
Left work and went home. Ate another banana. Skated smith for ~1hr. Landed most of my tricks. Tried to hit the round bar, which was good. I'm getting back to where I was. Skated the big ledge, just a front grind, but I tried back grind. I want to be able to comfortably do all my tricks on that ledge. I landed an impossible. I landed a backside nosegrind. it wasn't great, but it's better than nothing. I'm glad I forced myself to skate.
Ate half a bag of arugula with 1.5 chicken sausages. Drank a stella tall boy, so I guess ~2 regular beers?
Nick and I went on a bike ride to the esplanade. Saw maydoney, drew, and their homie from brazil on the way out. We were going to go to the steps but I popped a flat. We essentially just went next to the boathouse and wooden bridge to hacky sack. We got to 7 touches. The hacky sacks I got from amazon are horrible. They have styrofoam in them. Drank another stella tall boy. 2 for $6.25 at the gas station. Walked back and went to smith. Maydoney, Drew, and Antonio were still hanging out, shooting hoops and lightly skating. Have been doing so many activities lately: skating, biking, swimming, hacky-sacking, cricket, shooting hoops. This is good.
Went home and watched some more family guy. Drank a modelo and ate some guacamole + tortilla chips. That makes ~5 beers today. Not good. Fell asleep on the couch again. Two days in a row. Then went to bed.
Woke up feeling absurdly tired and sore. I was sore yesterday, but it was fine. Today it hurts to do anything. It's fine, I just need to skate and exercise more consistently, and keep stretching, but wow.
Drank a coffee, got to the lab around 8:45. Screened some larvae.
Got to my doctor's appointment at around 11:40. They weren't too bummed I forgot my blood pressure monitor and it was good to discuss my recent habits. I told them that in the past week I've been really active and out and about, excercising, but also drinking a lot because it seems like there are several occassions to. I said I drink ~4-5 drinks every other day, which would be on average like 12-15 drinks a week. He said I should cut it down to four. He really think I'll see a sharp decline in my bp if I continue to improve my diet and cut back on alcohol. Ok it seems like the alcohol is 100% the main contributor to my blood pressure being high. I drink literally every day. I need to chill out. He also said that although he thinks IF is fine if done consistently, it causes acid reflux because lactic acid come up out of the stomach if it has nothing to absorb it, so I can't really do it if I'm experiencing acid reflux. Maybe this stomach thing is giving me anxiety to the point of ED as well, who knows. Either way, I'm chilling out, counting drinks, drinking slowly, etc. He really did not think I should need to go on meds for this at 25 and that my blood pressure is reversable. Also getting STD tested Friday.
After the appointment, I went to whole foods and got 1 slice of pizza, a side salad with caesar dressing which I stole and put on top of the pizza in the box, and a banana. Ate it in Perry park. When I got back to the lab I drank my second coffee and began updating this site.
It is 3:45pm and I do not want to do anything else today. I should, but I'm gonna chill on it. I just want to skate for an hour and go to Danya's thing and work on music. Danya's in town and doing a set on Comm ave. It'll be cool to see them, but I wish I wasn't going alone. Oh well. I definitely mind going to these things alone a lot less than the average person, I think.
Honestly, I kind of feel like shit. This GERD sucks. I need to drink OD water and just chill on alcohol in general. It's annoying. And nicotine.
Edited a rough draft of the goldfish video for the last 1.5 hours of work.
On 'In Defense of the Poor Image" by Hito Steyerl
An Article Fern put me on to. I assume Lauren introduced him since she references Steyerl in her thesis. I really like the idea of turning “exhibition value into cult value”. But cult value still deserves just as much merit. This article is the perfect example of turning something low “high” or elevating it to the level of analysis it deserves. And it's shining a light on things outside of the spectacle. “It never mattered that these high-end economies of film production were (and still are) firmly anchored in systems of national culture, capitalist studio production, the cult of mostly male genius, and the original version, and thus are often conservative in their very structure. Resolution was fetishized as if its lack amounted to castration of the author." This is such a crazy idea to me because I think resolution is literally another motif that can be used to supplement a theme. Aiming for high resolution for the sake of broad likability and chance of popularity is extremely boring. Perfect example of profit incentive devaluing art.
“Twenty or even thirty years ago, the neoliberal restructuring of media production began slowly obscuring non-commercial imagery, to the point where experimental and essayistic cinema became almost invisible.” This is the exact phenomenon I want to combat. Also, a testament to why movies, in general, suck now. I know that's a vague generalization; I admit it. Hollywood is hegemonic in its dictation of what can be made. There are many enjoyable movies, but I think the standard is on the floor. 100% independent podcasts and books (because the profit incentive is very little and it’s possible for people to publish independent podcasts and books easily) are some of the only forms of media that have the ability to escape restraints of the spectacle contemporarily. Random example: nonfiction tv show is restricted to 1hr, while potentially a version of this nonfiction tv show in the podcast format could be infinitely longer. I just feel like these are forms of media where there isn’t a monopoly. Music is monopolistic. The only fans we have in the little phage gang outer circle actively seek out an alternative to the commodity music that is served because popularity and 'propogandity' (neologism) don’t equal quality or artistry.
I want my art to be marginal, imperfect, pretty/ugly.
For an Imperfect Cinema, by Juan García Espinosa
“perfect cinema – technically and artistically masterful – is almost always reactionary cinema.” I think you could possibly say that about any art form.
“The imperfect cinema is one that strives to overcome the divisions of labor within class society” (to me, this means that it is not ‘high’ or ‘low’, ‘upper class’ or ‘low class’, it exists on its own and transgresses these divisions)
“It merges art with life and science, blurring the distinction between consumer and producer, audience and author. It insists upon its own imperfection, is popular but not consumerist, committed without becoming bureaucratic."
“Espinosa also reflects on the promises of new media. He clearly predicts that the development of video technology will jeopardize the elitist position of traditional filmmakers and enable some sort of mass film production: an art of the people.” This “art of the people” deserves as much dignity and possibility for merit as art made with highest level production value and popular interest. It is my opinion that it is a psychological operation to convince people otherwise, and to convince people that they are stupid and cannot make art, and to close the range of possibility in art to broadly hinder transgression.
"The history of conceptual art describes this dematerialization of the art object first as a resistant move against the fetish value of visibility."
This gives me the idea to start a website with a player for songs. my OWN player. and this is the only place people can listen to the song, unless they want to upload a rip, at which point i can upload somewhere else maybe. i just don’t want to be a part of the musical assembly line.
end
Got home and finished reading "How To Take Pictures of Not People". I liked it a lot. Al really has a way with hipsta words. It's personal but has the perfect tinge of temporal fantasy with him being "born" at the beginning and being 100 years old at the end. I felt so tired. Did I mention how sore I am?
Cooked two chicken sausages and ate a lot of arugula. Little salt in the arugula but only pepper on the chicken sausage, doctor's orders I guess. He probably wouldn't want me to put sany salt on the arugula, but I don't think it was too much. I hope it's just the alcohol intake doing this. I actually drank two regular size modelos moderately slowly before going to Danya's comedy thing. I finished watching Stranger Than Paradise. I think there's a similarity between this dry black humor and sluto's writing. It's all about the character. A snapshot of a lifestyle and identity. Never really thought about the movie is really about the immigrant experienc, especially notable at the end.
Biked to the dugout and they were closed. Texted Danya but they weren't really responsive. Biked home, but stopped at harvard convenience for a modelo tall boy and some tortilla chips. I got some guacamole earlier (without realizing it had greek yogurt) and needed something to eat it with. I ate very little, so I don't think it falls under binging, but I do think I wouldn't have been able to fit all that in my stomach had I fasted. It's ok, my eating habits are way better in general than they were before. I also didn't drink too much tonight, fortunately. More than the doctor would recommend but better by my standards, and slower. I guess that would be 4 regular sized beers over like 4 hours. Could be worse. Watched a couple episodes of home movies when I got home. Was so tired I was barely awake, but I tried to pay attention and leave my phone as far away as possible.
I don't even know the exact time, but I fell asleep early. Woke up at 1:09AM when coffee's food alarm went off, panicking that it was 7:09AM. Went back to sleep and kinda tossed and turned all night. It was freezing.
Got so drunk that we woke up around 10:30am. An achievemnt honestly. I told her about how I had to be home around 12 to get ready for my sister's graduation so after hanging out for like 30 minutes we walked over to a coffee shop called 'glasser' around the corner from her apartment in oak square. Drank these coffees in the little park in the oak square rotary while she ate a breakfast taco. I think I was still drunk. Kissed goodbye on the corner of her street and brighton ave (I think) and I walked in the direction of allston.
Ran into Arthur, Maggie, and Tripp pretty much as soon as I parted ways with Julia, which I told them. it was so funny. And it's dope that Arthur and Maggie are kinda dating again. I got bro's number because I felt stupid as fuck DM'ing him whenever I was tryna hang. I fuck with Arthur. I know Teddy doesn't but fuck itm. He and Amelie are totally chill now anyways.
Got a little hair of the dog at Lulu's. Sunday bloody mary kept me faded into the afternoon. Got home and chopped it up with Nick a little before getting ready for my sister's graduation.
Don't want to focus on this too much. Long, boring ceremony. My dad left before it was even over, thank god. Saw bonx, who was working the event. Went to Peka after and ate really good. That was my first meal of the day and I ate half of it. The restaurant was super understaffed so everything took forever. I was so tired and wanted to go home so bad. Finally got home around 7 or 8, I can't even remember. Went to star market and got some beers with Nick. For some reason he wanted to watch the old willy wonka movie, but then switched to key and peele. Key and Peele was honestly super mid so we decided on watching old family guy. That waqs a terrific idea. Laughed our asses off, not gonna lie.
Headed for the jungle aorund 10. Really nice bike ride, although slightly windy. Charles' event. He, Spencer, and this other dude were spinning. Other dude spun so much reggae, it was dope. Meera, George, Miguel, and Isaac were there. The bartender was so fucking hot. Guy working there remembered the show I did and told me to follow him on the gram cuz he books stuff. Good opportunity, good person to know, and I'm glad I made a good first impression. Bought 3 CDs from Charles, and one being the Sopranos soundtrack. I got it as a gift for the B&U guys.
Dipped and went home pretty early, maybe at like 11:30. Biking home was also fun. Ate the rest of my steak from Peka, drank another beer, and watched family guy with Nick. Actually fell asleep on the couch. Nick woke me up by saying he was gonna hit the hay, and I did the same. My eyes had never felt heavier.
Was doing pretty well but fell off. It is now 1:01pm on 250519. It's good when I update this more frequently. The details are better and I write down small, maybe significant things that are forgotten if not documented as close as possible to the time of the event.
Checked the mail and found that 'How To Take Pictures of Not People' by Elberto Muller (sluto) came in the mail. This was a pleasantg surprise. It's essentially a pamphlet. I read only The first couple pages, but Al mentioned that while riding freights at one point he was reading 'A Distant Mirror' by Barbara Tuchman, which is a narrative history of the 14th century. I impulsively bought it on Amazon and look forward to reading it. Would be a nice book to keep in my bag. I crave nonfiction.
Nick woke up and we chopped it up for a little. Decided to skate Jamaica Plane park and the DIY down the street from it with Isaac. Got to the park a little later than one would hope, around 2:30. It was nice to get my transition sea legs back, although I wasn't great. I was honestly pretty sore from skating the day before. Got a coffee from a shop down the street called Evergreen and a peanut butter cookie (impulsively), breaking my fast. Felt pretty bad not having eaten anything at all in the day, but it could be worse. I still felt fine, like it wasn't unsafe to fast. Nick did a cool ride-on street grind for the phage gang skate edit. I filmed leif do a trick the day before at that angled ledge spot, and that was the first clip. Skated the DIY after that and got some clips. I landed a wet impossible but could not recreate on film. I need to find a good spot to impossible. I got a decent nosegrind + slappy line. Didn't do "all my tricks" but it was a goood day.
Got a burrito from chilacates with both pescado and carne asada since I hadn't eaten anything besides the cookie earlier. It was good, but chilacates is truly mid, sorry. I ate half of it and davbed the rest for later. Got an essentia water from the convenience store nextdoor because I was super dehydrated and also got a malta india in the bottle just because they had it. I was so out of it and fried that I forgot to pay and walked out of the store. The guy working there had me come back to pay.
Isaac had the brilliant proposition of going to crystal lake in Newton. We trekked there via Nick's car. We found a hacky sack at JP park and brought it with us. I didn't have any shorts so I was a little worried about being all wet and compressed in my boxers in front of children, so I stayed on land for a little. We hacky sacked and got to 5 touches. Nick kept praising my hackying loll. Unexpected skill. I should get my own hacky sack so I can practice. Isaac kept the one we found. Ok I actually just bought 5 off amazon right now. Amazon sucks, I shouldn't use it so much, but it's very convenient. I actually forgot to buy the Barbara Tuchman book, but I'll do that soon.
Children mostly left so I jumped in the lake. It was cold but so nice. I do not feel insecure about my body...which is nice lol.
Left as it was starting to get dark, grabbed beers, and went home.
Leif was having a bonfire down the street, which we pulled up to. Julia also pulled up. Something Nick said the following day was true, the skaters are often ubearably quiet and offputting. I think Julia wasn't having a terrific time, but when Pat pulled up and mentioned going to the sil, she was down. She claimed that if she pulled up and just had one drink for the experience (she hadn't been before), she'd be closer to the 66.
Side note: Sam Fish was there and being really annoying. I thought he went to BU but he's actually hella older than I thought he was. I told Julia about him and how much I hate his space.
Julia and I walked over to the sil. I should say, before she agreed to come to the sil, which she was really down for, she was probably going to call it an early night and go home on her own. I was pretty dusted so I was also kinda down but I was starting to feel kinda weird about how this would be the fourth hang in a row (out of 6 in total) where we didn't have sex. I can explain more later.
Finally asked her (on the allston bridge, how ironic) what she was looking for from the whole dating thing, and she said she's not looking for anything long term because she wants to move eventually. I told her i felt the same way. She said "I just want to vibe" as a way of (I think) kind of avoiding the question. I am happy that we're both on the same page and content about the state of things though. She clearly likes being around me. She keeps proposing dates in close proximity to each other in time.
got to the sil and actually was able to jump the line because Anna (kit's ex) and her bf were close to the front. Like the last time I saw her, Anna was hammered. She had no issue letting us cut in. Old punk was the bouncer. This was possibly the best move ever because I doubt Julia would have wanted to stay as long as we did if we had to wait in the whole line. It was also nice to break up the conversation and have other people involved. Julia doesn't always flow very well and neither do I. We got in and linked Pat and Huey. Pat is such a good wing man. Stefan and his sister were there. It was dope to meet her. she just graduated from PA school. Julia and I played ckicket against Pat and Huey and actually won. I didn't know anything green or red was 2 points until Julia pointed it out. I love cricket. Pat and Huey were leaving, so Julia and I did the same. Halfway through the cricket game, and I'm not sure the topic of her going home came up, she said "what if you just came with me" in a slightly flirty way. Maybe it's just because she was kind of faded. Either way, I happily agreed to go home with her.
Took the 66 to her place and immediately started making out. Clothes were taken off, parts were groped, nipples sucked. She sucked my dick, which was pretty hard, although to be honest, I kind of lost it after she stopped. Idk what's up. Too much alcohol. I hadn't watched porn or jerked off in like a week. Maybe even more.
Either way, she finally told me she's still on her period because she got an IUD and it basically fucks up your pussy for a couple weeks. I'm pretty happy to hear this because if I can hit raw that'd be a huge level up. I told her my concern about how I thought she didn't like me and we were just homies who made out or something, but she rassured me that she wanted to fuck but just couldn't now.
Since that was pretty much all that was going to happen sexually that night, I asked her if she wanted to get tanked, to which she said yes. We killed the bottom shelf red wine that I bought a couple days before and she made me a few dark and stormies with a very heavy pour. Chopped it up and had a fun time talking with each other. I put her on to flight of the conchords. I knew she'd like it. Fell asleep around 3am.
First alarm at 6, silenced them until 6:30, then woke up. Took out the trash and all the neighbors' trash. Pretty much got straight to reading From Hell. I'm almost done with it. Way better than going on Hinge first thing in the morning. Besides, it must be negative rizz in the algorithm to blow through all your likes first thing in the morning, I imagine. I might be making it up, but I think it's real. Drank my first coffee of the day while reading. Two shots of espresso, less water than your average americano, over ice. I need to get oat milk from the store. I have constant acid reflux.
Got paid today. Checked my checking account: $3,718.31. I transfered $1,718.31 to my savings account (previously had $90.08), because I really just wanted $2,000 at least in my checking. If I pinch my pennies I won't need to use my next paycheck at all for rent, loans, and bills, and I'll be able to put all (realistically just most) of it into my savings. This is the start of my savings era. Then, in 6 months, roboinvesting.
Writing this at 8:59am. Time for the lab meeting. Hopefully catching a quick skate session at smith with Nick after, if he's awake.
I was going to do all the dishes during the lab meeting, but I think Nick did them last night. I feel bad, I'll clean the bathroom or something.
Cleaned the bathroom during the first 20 minutes of the lab meeting. I think it'll be a long one.
Hitting back everyone I texted about the art show. Hyped Jadin is down to contribute :).
Cleaned the bathtub.
Skated Allston Park with Nick briefly. It was so good. I landed so many of my tricks. I feel so "back." Went home, ate a trader joe's carne asada burrito with some guacamole, ate some blueberries, drank a beer, showered, and went to work. Got there so late but, fortunately, no one cared. Had barely anything to do. Went to perry park to drink a beer and read, but Nick had to come get my keys because he lost his. Started the second short story in "Death in Midsummer", but just the first few pages. Jetted back to work for the Friday seminar, particularly because Niko was giving a talk. Smoked a cigarette with Florian (collaborator lab PI) and hung out for a little, but jetted to the border of Somerville and Charlestown to link the Orchard squad: Ted, Shawnmac, Leif, Nick, and these two people Eric and Samara.
Was fun biking to the spot trying to keep up with the guys in their cars. Ended up going to this park that has a angled ledge. Kinda just hung out and chopped it up. I want to crook the ledge. I think that's one of the most feasible things I can attempt for Ted's video and everyone said it'd be valid. If I do that I need to get another clip though, because crook is kinda basic. I should impossible something. I landed so many impossibles at LA park today. Nick and I just kinda drank and headed home.
Alex and Eamon got tanked and didn't realize I was asleep so they low key kept me up hella. I told them to chill, I don't know what time it was, but I hope they don't feel some type of way about it. I need to keep the door open or coffee will freak out. That isn't 100% true, because at times when I've had Van over (the only shawty I let sleep over, besides now Julia), I've closed the door.
Woke up later than I had hoped. Didn't realize it was going to rain and left my bike outside. Immediately after cleaning the chain. Got to the lab at around 8:40, but I was the first person there, so I can obviously just claim that I arrived at 8. Looks like I'll be able to leave at 3. This is good because Julia said she has some stuff to get done but invited me to come over later. Finally, we can finishing watching Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead (and hopefully, obviously, more..).
New postdoc started today and no one told me. It's fine, I guess, but like, the communication in this lab is sort of abyssmal. It's mostly fine by me because, again, I can get away with anything.
Just finished injecting embryos at ~12:50pm. Listening to the contra series by Subliminal Jihad. I could have kept injecting, but there are now only two hours left in my workday. Currently drinking my second coffee of the day. Julia wants to hang out tomorrow now, which is fine by me, because now I can make tunes. Fern is coming through at 4pm. I will jet to trader joe's to get chicken sausage and arugula, cook and clean quickly, then lock in.
While waiting for fish to lay, I made a central planning google doc for the bacteria(l) culture show. I am very content with what I have written so far.
After writing and drinking my coffee, I finished my work in the fish facility, spoke with Niko briefly, and headed home. Stopped at TJs for chicken sausage and arugula.
Eamon and Alex apologized as soon as I walked in the door for being hella loud last night, but I reaffirmed them they were chilling. They had no idea I was even home. Cheffed 3 sausages, ate some arugula, and chugged a modelo tall can before fern pulled up.
Smoked a cigarette on the porch and discussed new phage plans, then went to the back porch and started making tunes and cover art for the 'plugg song'. Fern finished mixing it today and wants to drop it on his page. Started working on a new beat concurrently. Fern showed me a good beat called 'vibes' that I want to hop on. He had to leave kind of quickly though, to meet Lauren and her parents for dinner. His parents are arriving at midnight for his graduation this weekend, so he'll be busy. Then, he's moving in with Lauren in Somerville. It's a year-long lease, so he'll be here for at least another year. When I heard this, I'm not going to lie, I was ecstatic.
Fern left and I went to the convenience store to get some more modelo tall cans. Ran into Nick on the way. We chopped it up for a little when I got back, then I started working on tunes. Made a sparse, exquisite corpse style open for outside world produced by exp and 02. By the end of the night, exp and notforever peppered some vocals in. Then I made another open on a really nice Avril beat. I think I could have kept that one to myself, but oh well. I actually got more beer from the liquor store at ~10pm. Had 4 pbr tall boys. Cooked the last of the chicken sausages and had some more arugula. Used too much seasoning both this time and before, for sure. In total I drank about 9.5 beers, I guess. Definitely overboard.
Watched 2/3 of Stranger Than Paradise, a movie I like a lot. I was reminded of this because Tanya posted it on their story. It's a delightful movie, and for some reason I can't believe that Jim Jarmusch is as old as he is. It's so weird to me that this movie came out in '84. It also made me think about Tanya. I lie when I say I wasn't that attracted to them, I just couldn't really get it up and fumbled, then they had an insane leg injury, were covered in painful bruises, and could barely walk for weeks because they fell down the stairs at Star Market Bathroom, the house venue. Besides, I had embarrassed myself in front of them countless times getting shitfaced, greening out, and throwing up on several occassions. Dreadful. And the little dino gala pseudo-beef didn't help. Plus, I felt weird because Carrie and I were together. Whenever I see them it's just a hi and bye. I actually kind of like their solo music, but hate the music from the bands they're in. I think they have a boyfriend now. I feel something when I think of them, but I don't know what. Maybe regret, or embarrassment. Not shame, but maybe a little shame? I don't think I've ever tlaked about this before. Anyways, I got tanked and fell asleep before I could finish the movie. Productive day.
Woke up around 5:30am. The first time in the sleep cycle waking up to sunlight. Before this, I kept waking up wondering what time it was. Same deal as last time: I leave really early in the morning and jet home, then Julia catches some more Z's. Slept terribly, honestly. I think Julia said she's down to hang out Thursday, which is kind of a lot, but I do really want to fuck. I don't even know what we'd do. Doesn't matter to me. I honestly just want to watch the movie we've been unable to finish, fuck, and sleep. I'm surprised she likes me this much. I should ask the 'what are you looking for' question, but I honestly just really want a good crack before I do.
If I'm being honest, I shouldn't romantically date Julia. I would not fuck with her scene. I like talking to her, but let's be honest, she's not cutty. If I date someone I would want them to be intellectual, but cutty. Carrie was pretty fucking cool (until they weren't), but so fucking uninterested in anything intellectual, just spectacle. And Julia is maybe a little too uninterested in edgier aesthetics or 'low' art. What a pain. Can't have it all, but I do want some of it.
Biked home, which was not as pleasant as I thought it was going to be. It was pretty chilly, my eyes wouldn't stop watering, and I had to be careful not to hit too many bumps so my chain wouldn't fall off. Felt hungry, so I got a $6 meal deal from Dunkin. I feel fat and have acid reflux. I wanted to get to work early, and leave early, as per usual, but fell asleep until 8am. Hopped in the shower, got out, and jetted to work. Got here just after 9 and it's 10:30. Apologies for tense mixing between sentences.
Spent 1.5 hours updating this site. Trying to be more detailed.
Today is quite the day. If I really power through, I can leave at 4. Might be hard. I already ate early in the day, so my stomach's expanded. I'll have the urge to eat more. It's wing wednesday though, and I think I can make it to 4pm if it's for 12 wings from Lulu's.
I'm meeting up with Cam at 6 at Cafe Turco to discuss the logistics of a Brookline Arts Center show. I will explain the current plan with PG, 3xs, and B&U, and how I'm going to manage pg, katebi 3xs, and J B&U, and how we need to start raising some money. Again, the phage story goes beyond music. It includes, visual art, literature, clothing. This is why we should have a mixed music/visual art/vending/reading event at BAC. If we sell tickets, maybe we can make a dent on booking a bigger artist. This stuff is confusing and chaotic but I'm the leader and I need to get good at it.
I need to email harto's manager that June 15th won't work. And I need to make a spreadsheet of all the shows we have lined up. That'd be a good task today, either at the end of the day before leaving, or while waiting for Cam at the coffee shop.
I never really listened to ecology of chaos by jupps until yesterday. It's so good. You never know what you'll discover with patience. I prefer the soundcloud version to the streaming service version. It's the perfect blend of expressive , transgressive, raw, and garage. He has a beautiful mind. I want to start a duo with Jupps and make Carissa's Wierd, Teagan and Sara, Matt and Kim, Eliot Smith, Postal Service type music but incorporate way more unique sounds and effects. I think 'Jupps, Theta, and the Thousand Unbearably Long Goodbyes' could be a cool name. I brought it up to Ben and he said he's been wanting to start a Jean and Dean Ween thing. Isaac also wants to make more music. We had a conversation the other night about how it sucks to rely on other people for music stuff. It's good to have a lot of different things cooking on different stoves. You never know what might hit, and it's nice to break up the monotony. I currently have phage gang and my solo music. I could afford a couple experimental side projects. I've always wanted to do something like this but never knew anyone who I trusted to play guitar. I wanna make stuff similar to moldy peaches, or old beck, or the demo Teddy sent me a while ago. Just full, evocative, pulling at the heartstrings, low quality, but punchy. And most importantly different.
I should get oat milk from star market on the way home. I think drinking too much black coffee is contributing to my now kinda chronic acid reflux, or as nick would call it, GERD.
I like the subliminal jihad discord server. Some interesting topics broached I'd never think about. I should read another theory book after From Hell and Death in Midsummer.
Seems like Nick's not doing comedy tonight, which is fine by me. I want him to do it though. For the laughs. For tonight, I will try to read, finish the Mishima movie, and work on music. Maybe record on some more avril beats for the exit tape. I think my PC may have a virus though, so that will be fun to deal with. I also need to get the beer smell out of my matress, still. Overall I feel calm today and want a chiller night.
When I go to Lulu's I should ask for just the wings and not get a beer. I hope I can fall asleep just as easily without drinking. That's depressing but real. I doubt I will be able to. Hopefully I can just exhaust myself enough. Apparently I'm great at falling asleep to the Mishima movie. But now I'm thinking about how much I like beer. Whatever. About 3 hours left in the day. Trying not to think about it.
I should also get nail clippers and cat shampoo from petco. I should ask someone who works there for their opinion because I don't know much. I also need to remind the roommates to not leave food out. I think Coffee ate some and threw it up yesterday.
I wish I felt less anxious about impressing Julia. I didn't give a shit about anything with Van. I didn't care at all. It's not going to last a long time anyways, so I'm not sure what I'm so timid about. Just texted her to clarify about whether she wanted to hang tm or not. Just hit Bridget back. I should scrutinize myself less. I have nothing to lose. I mean I have these little situationships to lose but I'm fine with that.
I believe I need to use baking soda to deodorize the mattress.
Left at 3. I saw Niko (postdoc) just before I left, and told him I stayed late yesterday, which was true, although maybe not a full 7 hours of work. Anyways, he didn't care. Biked to Lulu's and at 12 buffalo wings + drank a gansett. Just one gansett, which was better than two. Read Ed Fisher's review of Secret Mall Apartment. I agree with him that there was some cushioning in the movie for length, but overall it was a good documentary. It really stuck with me. Biking home, I grabbed two Modelo tall boys from the gas station.
Cleaned my chain, and the bike itself, although not deepy. Finally moved my rear wheel back to tighten the chain. Easy as pi.
Read more of From Hell for the next ~1.5 hours before going to meet with Cam. Had to cpaitalize on daylight. I was actually struggling not to fall asleep while reading. I don't know why this keeps happening. Could be because today, surprisingly, was a 1-coffee day. I can't write anything about From Hell that hasn't already been said by Jimmy Falun Gong, and you already know how much I'm enjoying it so far.
Meeting with Cam:
The meeting with Cam went great. Our original meeting spot, Cafe Turco, was closed, so we trekked to Ringer Park to discuss things, since it was so nice out. Right off the bat she made it clear that I didn't need to sell her on doing an event there, and that it was just about the details. To preface everything to her, I explained how I'm owning up to my managerial role and that I'm trying to lead by example, rather than force people to do things. I also explained this triumvirate that 3xs, pg, and b&u are forming, spearheaded by tebi, j, and myself, in order to share resources, fandom, and opportunities. We all have niche connections, and some that overlap, which is cool. Cam did tell me I'm the most connected person she knows, which just goes to show that I do need to accept the responsibility of a managerial/leadership role. Katebi is putting in a lot of money to help set up shows, but we just need more. PG needs its OWN pool of money for merch and shows. Merch and Shows that will hopefully help us grow money and be able to do cooler things. Not that we need money to do cool things, but financial freedom can get us places.
This event would combine visual art, instrumental music, live reading, and vending. I am aiming for a curated aesthetic and theme that falls into the values being proponed by PhageStory. Working title: "Bacteria(l) culture". If 50 people bought a $15 ticket, which I think is an achievable goal, we would raise $750. I like this goal. We need to make the event unique and worthwhile. I already hit up J and asked him to spread the word among DN people. I want this to be curated. It will be a lot of work, and a lot of words.
after meeting with cam:
Biked home from Ringer but stopped at harvard convenience to get 2 more modelo tall boys. Got home and finally finished Mishima. I liked it and should read more about it. Perhaps I'll look for essays. Just watched Home Movies after that. Season 4 looks different, but I get an air that they were on their A-game, knowing this would be the last season. Drank two tall boys. I guess that's roughly 5.5 beers in a day. Could be better, could be worse. I'm better at not looking at my phone as much while watching things now. Just need to keep it far away. Chopped it up with Nick before his date. Fell asleep really, really fast and easy.
Therapy Takeaway 1:
After speaking with my therapist, I realized I need to focus on writing more and in more detail on this blog. I've gotten lazy with it. I also remember that, like therapy, there is always something for me to write, even if I think there isn't. Like Mishima in the movie: the words [can] just flow. If I use break tags more and space out thoughts more as well, it serves as better time blocking and compartmentalization. I remember I would put ordered lists of the ingredients in meals I was making. It feels good to put effort into something. My attention disorder is off the charts. I was thinking that it made sense in the winter when I would spend so much time reading and writing: there was nothing outside to do. Now I'm distratced by everything. This whole thing of putting my phone across the room is terrific. I want to read some essays on the Mishima movie after finishing it.
Felt super shitty in the morning, so I ate a dunkin donuts wrap on the way to work. Was late as well. My lifestyle is destroying my plans. Both to go to work early and leave early, to intermittent fast, and to save money.
Therapy Takeaway 2:
I need to make use of my physical outlets more. They alleviate stress. Skateboarding is so important to my confidence. I need to focus on things that matter to me, like skateboarding, even if it feels like they don't in the distant moment. That's a nice oxymoron: distant moment. I'm caught up in so much chaos.
What I Don't Talk About 1:
I think part of my general anxiety right now comes from drinking every day. On days, usually the weekend (but if I'm being honest, it makes no difference), when I get extremely hammered and can't remember details very well or how I think people percieved me, it causes me severe anxiety. Every day I try not to drink, but feel as though I need to drink, even if it's not that much. For example, yesterday I spent $30 at the bar, played pool once, left because I had to stop at the liquor store before it closed, then tried to watch Mishima while drinking. I fell asleep while watching the movie with a can of PBR on the bed, which obviously spilled all over. I don't want to drink; I'm addicted. My therapist has no idea. And I like drinking, just once again, I need to be moderate and restrained. I should skate, read, write, and create more to the point where I'm not even thinking about my next drink, like when I was in NYC working on the quizzicalist manifesto with Jonathan. I'm quite ashamed at my lack of self-control.
What I Don't Talk About 2:
My self image/fasting/health/eating. Speaking of lacking self-control, I find it so hard to maintain a consistent habit of intermittent fasting. Alcohol definitely fucks with this. If I wake up hungover, I definitely need to eat, or I'll suffer. If I don't eat close enough to when I start getting really shitfaced, I'll get beligirent. It feels so good to go until ~4-6pm without eating, I just feel impulse to eat. My mom, although trying to complement me, honestly fucked up my situation by commenting on my weight loss. Now I feel like I've broken the pattern and I'm a fatass again, because I care less about maintaining the habit of intermittent fasting. I should talk about my meals here. I used to. I also have high blood pressure. At 25. Alcohol definitely isn't helping. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment with my primary to discuss this and to go over my blood pressure monitor data for a month, but I never used the monitor (I never had a day where I wasn't drinking, smoking, or eating salty food) and I tucked it away in the corner of my room. Never took it out of the package. I'm ignoring this health issue. Now my appointment is on Monday 250519, in 5 days. I should use the monitor every day until then, I suppose. I'm going too crazy. My lifestyle is catching up with me.
What I Don't Talk About 3:
Money and my relationship to it. I have not paid my elecrtic, gas, or internet bill for February, March, or April. it has only been three months. I need to do it. Not to mention how this relates to Nick and Eamon. I feel bad springing it on them after 3 months. I might just pay it all myself because I feel so embarrassed. I find it so difficult to look at my bank account, especially if I know I have spent a lot of money (either one day/night or accumulated over the course of several days). I'm pretty sure I'm fine. I get paid well. I should save. I'm burning money. Throwing it away. This will come. I talked to my therapist about Kristian's (postdoc) advice about roboinvesting. I was supposed to save up money for 6 months, then start. I have not transfered any money into my savings account at all. I get paid this Friday. I can list my money here, why not? It's not public, but if it were, it wouldn't matter. Maybe staring my financial decisions in the face will quell my anxiety. Maybe. I think I'm discounting how much anxiety I feel from not having paid these bills. It feels like too much, although I know it isn't. I am realizing now I should at least check my account. Doing it now. I have $2,017.63 in my checking account and $90.08 in my saving's account. I don't even know how this is possible. I spend money so haphazardly. It's good to know that I am mostly 'chilling', but I do not feel super secure either. I also have a student loan I need to start paying, which will ruin my credit if I don't. This is why I write these things down, then read them back, then re-read them. It reminds me of things.
The day I'm updating this entry is actually 250514. I have spent the first hour of work only writing the section about therapy, and what I talked about vs what I didn't talk about. It's important to me, but I also have a little anxiety over being percieved as not doing my job. I'm not doing my job. This isn't work. Fortunately, the boss is mostly hands-off. People always assume I'm over-booked. Fuck it. I need this to be myself. Postdoc in another lab, Joycelyn, just walked up to me and told me to make myself available for a night walk sometime soon. I honestly appreciate her forwardness about it. She lives right around the corner from me, apparently. I just truly have things planned every day and every night. Always. On Thursday 250515 I want to record or make music, then hang out with Julia. On friday 250516 I want to hang out with my friends. On Saturday 250516 I'm sure I'll be turning up with friends. So on, so forth. I have priorities, and I honestly struggle to get them straight! One walk won't hurt, though. I should be a nice neighbor. I told her 'I basically have a second full-time job that takes up all my time outside of this [9-5 full-time job]', and she reeled at how busy I am, said she wants to hear about this other venture, and re-emphasized that she wants me to make myself available for a night walk soon.
Back to 250513. Ate a whole foods pizza for lunch. Put some salad + caesar dressing on top of it. Not only did I feel bad that I did not hang out with Anthony as much as I would have liked, but I also missed him. Maybe I should have gone to the vs self and catalyst show instead of pool night. Same amount of money spent. How would I have known? Lesson learned. Anthony was going to his sister's boyfriend's apartment to pick her up so they could drive to the airport together, then she would take the car. I joined. It was a very solid hour of hanging out with Anthony, which feels like the scenario every time he's in town recently. I remember, due to Carrie's condition, Anthony and I only hung out for like 30 minutes the last time he was here. I love Anthony. Such a dear friend. And his sister is really nice too. It was quite a nice bike ride to Fenway and back, as well. The chain on my bike is too loose though, and I'm procrastinating moving the back wheel back. it's a pain, actually, and I should do that ASAP. Maybe when I leave work today 250514.
Stopped at home to start laundry and eat some arugula. Ate more than I would have liked and over too long a period of time today.
I had to go back to work after hanging out with Anthony briefly, then got home around 7 or so. I bought 2 PBR tall cans at the convenience store. From there in particular because it doesn't show up as a liquor store on my bank statement, which I imagine my mom (and maybe my dad, although I doubt it) lurks infrequently, but also because it would take up less volume in my fridge, and make me look like less of an alcoholic to my roommates, who 100% know I am one. Just dumb psychology shit. I didn't want to drink or get drunk because I was hanging out with Julia later. I wanted some alcohol to cool the nerves but not enough to get faded. Julia invited me to a berklee show to see one of her employees' band (she works at the berklee recording studios as a big boss). I said yes right away when she asked, which was in the morning two days before (250512), I believe, but when I thought about it more, I thought about how I probably wasn't going to have a good time. I need to be honest with myself about what I want to do. I biked to the show because I thought I was going to be late. It was super brief, fortunately. The band sucked. Sounded like a worse, more watered-down version of Stone Temple Pilots. I lied to Julia and thought the name, 'Juicebox', was good, and she agreed. She thought they sounded good. I tend to be more of a class guy than an identity politics guy, but the show was so fucking white. I hated the crowd. And she's friends with this super pretentious French guy. Had 2 high lifes back to back at the show. Put them away like nothing, obviously. I guess, in total, I had ~5 beers. Not ideal.
Biked to Julia's while she took the bus. Honestly kind of an awkward hang. I mean it was pleasant, just kind of autistic. I don't know what to think. I feel kinda timid about sexualizing her and being flirty, I don't know why. I can't tell if and/or where she wants to be touched. She played me some songs her band was currently mixing in Portland. I liked them. She never asks me about myself or any music stuff, which reminds me a lot of Carrie. Maybe it's the autism pathology. Well, she said she was tired and we hopped into bed and started making out. But she actually wanted to hit the hay, not the sack. She apologized for it being a boring hang, but I was fine with it. I don't know what's up. The conversation doesn't really flow. Maybe I should try to talk about myself more. We slept. Horribly. I was anxious. She kept waking up and tossing and turning.
I honestly really wanted to have sex. I've been anxious since I couldn't get it up with Bridget. Truth be told, I at least wanted to eat Julia out. I want to make her feel good, which would satisfy me but also show her that I'm good at making her feel good. Something about it feels like I'm crossing a barrier into being closer or more open with someone. I love to 69. Anyways, It's ok, obviously. I'm pretty horny though. I haven't cracked in a while. I think she likes me, she is just autistically bad at showing it, similar to Lindsey.
Woke up feeling an all time low of shittiness. This alcohol shit is so fun but damn, I wish I didn't feel bad. Had to eat so early in the day to feel ok. Regular day at work though. I just want to breeze through some cleaning and organizing when I get home, then record some vocals or make some melodies or something. Anthony leaves back for Idaho tomorrow, so I wanna make sure to see him tonight. He said he'd be in Allston. Also I read a little this weekend, but gotta do more. Julia said she's free after Wednesday, so I'd propose hanging out on Thursday. Maybe I can run karaoke back with a different girl haha. I actually jerked off this morning. I don't know why I was so horny. No porn, but just jerked off to the memory of having sex with Julia. That makes me feel better about it. On friday, Julia told me that most of her sexual and romantic experiences have been with women, which makes things make sense to me. Maybe that's why she was so eager to suck my dick, because she hasn't done it too many times. I think that makes her weird kinda pecking thing make sense too. She also grabs my ass when she kisses me, which is really funny. She's a riot. I'm the baddie she pulled by being autistic. I think about her a lot throughout the day.
I kinda bullshitted throughout the whole day at work. As I type this, it is 3:11pm and I have nothing else to do. I have spent the last ~45 minutes just updating this site. Nobody gives a shit, which is good, but still. I need to stay until 4 for my own conscience because I took a lunch break. I posted the spring concierto recap, so I'll edit a quick promo for it and post on Instagram. Sadly, I can't work on the goldfish video because the clips are technically on my SSD.
Went to state park with Meera, Emily, Isaac, and Teddy. A fun squad. Only played about 1 game of pool. Spent so much money. Saw Cass there. I didn't think about how they might be there until the second I was walking up to the door. I felt a little anxious about it. They definitely saw me. It's fine, I guess. I was expecting a quick hello, but it's ok. They were at work. I hope they don't feel any type of way about me, and I'm sure they don't. Like 90% sure. I'm telling myself that. That's an arbitrary number.
Woke up feeling like dogshit again. I love losing control. Went to brunch with my mom and sister. Had a delightful bloody mary. We went to Lulu's, of course. Had the eggs benedict with some brisket. Could barely finish it. I find it kind of hard to eat recently. I've trained my body to eat very little. Which is good because I've lost weight, but bad because I drink in excess. Puking against a tree last night and having it basically be foamy bile was not awesome. I know I've lost weight because my mom commented on it. She loves to do that. Went home and took a nap and was basically just on my phone for hours. Made a good amount of mels that I was happy with for vague002, recorded an open for eli prod apollo and zenith so they could both be on outside world, then went and hung out with Drew for a little. I love that dude. Got home and Nick reminded me it was Eamon's birthday. After I cooked dinner, Nick and I got him a bottle of henny and got some brews. We tried to watch lego batman and it was kinda sick, but we kinda just tlaked the whole time. I'm glad Eamon's 22 now and less of a jit. He's chill. Knocked pretty late.
Julia slept in hella so I went to feed the fish real quick. She was still schlump when I got back so I read a little of From Hell. After she woke up we kinda just hung out around the apartment for a while before making our way to porch fest. Porch fest was fun. So much walking, but had a nice time hanging out. Apparently we were supposed to link Jason, but I'm glad we didn't. I much prefered hanging out alone. We even acknowledged to each other that we were on a lesbian date. Honestly, there are details I could go into about the day, but all you need to know is that it was fun. My belt was fucked up and my pants kept unintentionally sagging though. I like a sag but not when I'm walking like 5 miles in a day. Ran into Meatball, which was cool. Ended the crawl at prospect park and enjoyed the view. Julia kinda went autistically nonverbal, lol, so I know she appreciates her alone time. We waited in the porta potty bathroom line for so long, I was genuinely worried she was gonna piss herself. She pissed and immediately felt 1000x better and we took the bus back in the allston direction. She was going to go home and shower, and I was going to do the same, then we were going to go to the tourist trap with the squad. She bailed when she got home though, saying she was beat. It's ok.
Also ran into fern, chris, and chandler in the park. I honestly feel some type of way about how they dubbed me and didn't lmk they were active, but whatever. We all hung out at the tourist trap later. Rio's band is getting so good. Very Carissa's Wierd, very Bright Eyes. I got so fucking drunk, holy shit. And there were rocks and roots littering the yard so I could barely stand up. Anyways, good time, I guess.
Actually woke up really late and hungover, just in time for the lab meeting. Did my sheets, but my blanket smelled weird, which really bothered me. I only realized later and this kind of ruined shit I had planned (for Julia to sleep over). I ended up borrowing a blanket from Nick later, but that's a different story.
Regular day at work, just fucked off and went home. Hung out with Nick and Eamon and cleaned until it was time for the party. Julia got along with everyone pretty well. She had fun. We kissed and felt each other up and all that all night. Didn't really get too tanked cuz the keg just had piss ultra, but was still really tired. It's funny, we're never finishing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. Everyone's kinda team Bridget but they like Julia. It was a great night. I really liked playing the simpsons arcade game with her. So many homies were at the party, it was a great time. Nick's parents are a riot. Anthony Holmes pulled up looking fried as hell. Didn't get to chop it up with him enough.
Stupid to notice, I know, but Julia double texted me over the course of about an hour last night while I was sleeping. Awesome. I like her a lot and I'm so excited to see her. Woke up really early because I needed to walk my bike to work. Left at ~7:30am. Got to work at around exactly 8. Listened to hella cg beats and started brainstorming lyrics. A nice morning walk well-spent. I think it might be a packed day, but I want to leave by 2:30, so I can jet to Cambridge Bicycle, get home, wash my sheets and clean my room/the apartment, then go chill with Bridget in the park. I can wash my clothes tomorrow morning during the lab meeting. Feedling relatively good and energetic today, though. I've honestly been IF-ing these past few days. Really big meal after work, then some arugula or fruit a couple hours later, then nothing else for the night. Feels good. Think I can already see a change in the mirror. I definitely feel pangs during the day, so it's working. I'm back on it. That's the hardest part.
Updating on 250512. Oof. 4 day gap. Not good. And I feel like shit currently, not gonna lie. I need to like, change my ways a little. It was a fun ass weekend though.
It's 12:17pm and I don't have the strength to update this. Maybe later after I get out of work. I gotta go into surgery on my memory.
Ok so basically on Thursday I'm pretty sure I just left work and started drinking and hung out with Eamon. Change of plans with Bridget. Just went to her place to hang out before going to karaoke with her, Nick, Olivia, Eamon, and Olivia's roommate Jason. They told me they're not pregnant but they're actually in a poly relationship now, which is chill. Idrc. We were gonna have sex and for the life of me, I felt literally nothing in my dick. Maybe I'm in love with Julia, maybe I'm just not as attracted to Bridget anymore, maybe I was too drunk, maybe I've been smoking too much recently, maybe I'm stressed, but it was weird. Anyways, it wasn't a big deal and I still ate her out and made her cum. Karaoke was hella fun. Everyone likes Bridget because she's fun and easy to talk to. We dipped out at one point to go to the Phoenix Landing dnb thing and say what's up to Luca but it was $20 so we bailed and just biked home. Was good to chill with Luca, although brief.
I feel so braindead, unaware, and dumb. I've been pretty productive but I should read From Hell tonight. Pretty hyped it's wing wednesday. Maybe I should also clean up around the apartment today, so tomorrow's less of a chore. Nick's parents are also gonna be in town and I don't want them to think I'm gross. The apartment smells like BO and I think it's from our couch. Maybe I can just spray it or something. But I need to be careful because I can't use anything that will be toxic to coffee. I need to get food for coffee and clip her nails. I will ask at petco what their advice is for clipping. I'm just really scared of hurting her. She's my baby, my angel!!! Love of my life. Anyways, I enjoyed having the night to myself last night, and I was relatively productive with the music, but I gotta lock in and do something more cerebral today. Maybe even watch a movie later or something. Unfortunately, I tried to adjust my brakes and completely fucked up my bike. Gonna need to take it to cambridge bicycle tormorrow likw a fool. I wonder when the next time Bridget wants to hang out will be? I wanna look into Artaud, specifically 'Artaud and his Doubles.'
Those wings and 2 gansetts knocked me out. I was so hungry. Ran into Meera on the bus, which was cool. We chopped it up for a second. Found andterdam shag at buried treasures, this novelty smoke shop on the corner of Cambridge st and Harvard ave. Tried to read From Hell but it wouldn't take. So tired and lethargic. Nick joked that I had mono. That would suck, but my spleen feels fine, so I wouldn't have it. Nick's mom was there for a second. Every now and then I think about how I'm gonna see Julia on Friday and I almost start hyperventilating. Bridget hit me up to hang out tomorrow. She wanted to give me some beans frm 1369 before dipping out for the weekend. I wonder where she's going. She's always going somewhere. I should have said no but we're hanging out at smith, then she's, assumedly, coming over. Kinda dumb but I'm worried I'm gonna be depleated for Julia tomorrow. I jerked off Sunday morning I think, so that was a hella long time ago. I should be virile and fine cum-wise.
Started watching the Yukio Mishima biopic. I like it a lot. it's way more experimental than I thought it would be. Fell asleep about halfway through and when I woke up it was almost at the end. Definitely gives me a better idea of who Mishima was while reading his short stories. His whole thing truly is reactionary traditionalism. He's so morose.
Woke up a few times but, for the most part, went to sleep pretty early.
Actually barely slept. Felt so shitty but still got to work at 8am. Regular work day, nothing special, but dipped out and got some beer and steak at Trader Joe's and made tacos. The apartment's disgusting again. Good thing I'm cleaning All afternoon Thursday in preparation of the fiddler hopefully sleeping over on Friday aftter Nick's party. If she doesn't it's fine though. I just want to clean up anyways. We've been texting more frequently, or, rather, she has been texting me with less of a time interval in between messages, which I think is a good sign. Mixed the 'i like trains' song with a new patch and recorded a new song for dipshit hipstar. Recorded a demo, not a full song yet, of a song prod Avril. He wants me to record hella songs so he can shoose one for the exit tape and maybe also host one on his page. That's a solid move for me. Watched Home Movies until I drifted off. Fell asleep pretty early which was much needed.
Slept horribly last night, waking up several times. It was actually pretty cold, which I attribute it to, mostly. I knew Julia had an overnight shift, so when I woke up at 4:30am I texted her. She responded an hour later haha. I love her, man. I'm just kidding, but I am infiatuated with her. Was pretty difficult to get up when I actually awoke at 6am. Coffee terrorizing me helped. This is so weird but Lindsey actually hit me back. I thought she was ghosting me, which I kind of hoped was the case. Out of everyone I'm fw recently, Bridget is like, the only non-autistic one. Or maybe just the least autistic. Anyways, got to the lab early, made a little edit and dropped 'im a painter.' Now I only have 1hr left of work, and I'm gonna jet home. Supposedly notthesun's coming over. He's hyped I downloaded fl.
Got home and chilled for a little second with Nick before NTS and Apollo came over, followed shortly by Ohm. Made a melody and two beats before Ohm hopped on this one apollo beat. I have a vision of it being an Ohm -> NTS -> Cart song. Maybe if it's not too long I'll hop on. Drank OD but I don't care. I think this approach of planting seeds is going well. Talked to Cian about this AS220 show and told him about how I'm trying to delegate and shit but since this is really MY SHIT I need to be in charge and take responsibility. I think gently encouraging Jason and proposing ideas and asking how he feels about them instead of saying "you should do xyz" is going to be much more productive. I don't think Dillon was that bummed on him and I hope I showed bro that there's hope. People are on their own journey and you can lend a hand but they don't need to take it.
It was so nice to see scott again. He said something along the lines of "I know we're pretty close but we actually don't know shit about each other," which is true. He's emphasizing that we need 3x and pg to stick together and not go anywhere without each other, which I think is pretty true. It seems like he's taking a positive turn and wants to move on with his life and move forward with things in general. He wants his license so he can leave his house and be mobile more often. He said being at home just really bums him out and he wants scenery change. I love this dude. PG is becoming a family in a way. He spilled to me hella and I did the same. We walked to night star and back and he called an uber from my spot. Gloomy, foggy, but serene instead of ominous atmosphere.
Was really hyped on the beat ohm recorded on so I let him record for a while but I went to sleep at like 2am, needing to be up at 6. On top of that, The terrorist woke me up at around 4:45am.
Woke up late and had some hair of the dag, which I fear may have been a mistake. Kinda did nothing today. Read one single chapter of From Hell, but it was a good one. The first murder. Went to huey's pizzeria and got a special 'fajita' pizza. It was kinda gnarly. Stopped by a yard sale and got Eraserhead, Stalker, and Breathless on DVD, as well as an On Cinema at the Cinema VFA shirt. That was an insane come up. Kinda spent a long time on Sniffies trying to get my dick sucked, maybe feeling a little seduced and abandoned by not cumming with Julia the other night, but there weren't any takers I was really down for. Took a fat nap in the afternoon. Watched Road Trip with Nick. Such a fucking funny movie. Watched a couple episodes of Home Movies. Hit the hay.
Left Julia's at 5:30am to let her get some more sleep. She had an overnight shift later so she planned on sleeping another 7 hours. I slept like shit, no surprise. I walked back (~30 minutes) from Brighton jumping for joy, practically skipping the whole way. At a dunks sandwich, drank a beer, and slept for another 4 hours. Finished mixing 'im a painter' prod somaiki using DB's patch and starting laying out clips for the goldfish video. It's salvagable. Linked up with Dru and smoked a couple cigs before heading to George's art thing at brookline arts center. The event was great. Chopped it up with Meera, Odi, George, Dru, and Cam! She works there. She's actually enthusiastic about doing some kind of multifaceted art/music/vending event there, which would be great in my opinion. Went home around 7:30, then hit the sil with Nick, Olivia, Pat, and Huey. Played cricket. It was a tight game but Huey won. Was great to chop it up with those guys. I feel confident in my likeability and social skill. Nick and Olivia left kinda early, then I walked home. Drank another beer and hit the hay.
Woke up really early to take out the trash. Had a long time before the lab meeting started to read a good chunk of From Hell. It's fucking amazing. Now I see, from the master, why the comic form is so unique, and what it has to offer. Wish I wrote about it right after reading. After the meeting I went to work and mostly fucked off, then left a little early to drink a couple beers in the park and read the first short story in Death in Midsummer. I wasn't expecting it to be so sad, but I should have guessed based on the title. It's not a leisurely read, but it was pretty captivating.
I forgot to mention that later would be my big date with Julia. Decided on going to the avenue. It's a less crowded date spot than the sil or the model for a friday and I wouldn't see people I know. Found out later on that the whole Carrie-Gwen-Maia-Delia-Meera squad was at the sil, so that would have been a disaster. Julia and I were actually able to sit outside, which was great. It was actually ideal. Saw Hannah there lol. Someone from the Dino Gala squad (I'm assuming either Tanya or Martin) texted me to say they saw me, but I didn't have the number saved. They never responded. Had such a nice fucking time with Julia oh my god. Just thinking about it now gives makes me giddy and gives me butterflies in my stomach, hoping that I won't fuck it up. We got some more alc and went back to their place. I made them a spagett, which they really liked. Light on the Aperol. They're actually an incredibly awful kisser. Doesn't really matter to me though. They keep giving a lot of pecks in rapid succession and grabbing my body all weird. I think they're just shy though. They said they "really like the way [I] kiss," which is obviously a good sign. I tried to guide them a little. They're really into sucking dick and are okay at it. At first she didn't want to fuck because she was on her period, but she stopped caring and let me hit. Taking this as a really good sign. She has a really sensitive pussy and whenever I tried to go deeper she stiffened out her legs and kinda stopped me from continuing. I asked "do you not want me to go that deep?" and she had no idea what I was tlaking about, so I don't think she really understood the conundrum. She rode my dick but didn't really move up and down, just kinda forward and back. She's not that good at sex. But she said she had fun. I didn't cum but it was fine. They didn't want me to eat them out either, stating they were shy (on the second date in particular). I'm sure we'll meet up again. I invited her to Nick's grad party, and I hope she comes. They're really shy sometimes and don't know how to take compliments, but they loosened up towards the end of the night and actually complemented me. I also think they're kinda autism coded, but would it really be someone I'm interested in if they weren't? I spent the night.
Four months of log. A very nice constant (mostly) in my life. Finally decided I need to hit up Van and tell them I don't wanna see each other anymore. Maybe I'll call on the phone later. Jason's actually coming through to record, which isn't crazy ideal. I actually talked to Dillon about all the ways Jason has been fried and disrespectful recently, and he urged me not to help him anymore. I still have hope. I just need to be nice and calm and explain myself and have something else to do while he's recording, lol. Jonathan explained his whole story repost chain art project idea in the pg outer circle groupchat today. The artsy mfs are down. It's nice to know that after therapy I'll have only 2 more hours of work left, and I'll be pretty busy.
Accidentally went a long time without updating this. It is now 250505. Had a really good therapy session. Talked about pg shit because it consumes my whole life outside of work. I need to be a leader and lead by example. This is my new approach. I know I'm the leader and I need to take on the brunt of all the responsibility, but that also allows me to do a majority of things in a way that I want them done. I can delegate, but people have the option of saying they don't want that. Just need to be a good communicator, be passionate about the work, and enjoy doing it. I can give people feedback but recognize that they're on their own journey. All I can do is plant a seed. Things won't 'just click' if work isn't done, especially with Jason. I still have hope.
Got home and called Van. It went well. They were jovial and fine about it in their autistic way. Still need to meet up and exchange hoodies lol. Went over to Mikey's crib to transfer the Goldfish video footage and Erica also came through. Was so nice to chill with them again. I miss Mikey fs. The goldfish video footage isn't as dope as I remember it, but I can make it work.
Spent the rest of the night downloading fl studio 21 on my PC and figuring out how to get DB's patch to work. It sounds perfect. I was ecstatic. Did a lot in the day so I Just kinda chilled and fell asleep. Slightly bored with Nick being gone lol. Oh and Eamon told me that he and Alex saw Carrie at the intersection of Hobsons and O'brien's. Kinda wish he didn't tell me. I'm really happy right now but I just don't want to think about them. Oh also, I talked with my therapist about how happy I am and how good it feels. I'm outside, I'm traveling, I'm productive, I'm not broke. Just wish I skated more.
Woke up feeling so shitty. Why do I do this to myself. Last night was fried. I really wanna figure out a way to tell both Van and Lindsey that I don't really want to see either of them any more. It's hard to be honest. Lindsey I don't care about, but Van is like, so invested in me. It's gonna hurt. They tell all their friends about me, they have me on social media, they text me incessently. These are reasons that I want to cut it off; it's too intense. Every fucking time I look at my phone and see they've texted me I roll my eyes. Anyways, I'm just bummed. I didn't have time to set up fish yesterday so I have very little to do today. Just phoning it in. Ate a $6 meal deal for breakfast because if I didn't eat anything I'd die, but it feels like I have acid reflux now and I ruined the wing Wednesday festivities. I'll still go, but maybe just get 6 wings. Making tunes later, I guess. Maybe someone can help me figure out this fl studio bs. I'm so fucking bummed that Julia hasn't texted me back. I'm so worried I fumbled. Such a bummer.
Ate twelve wings like such a dumbass, lol. So full. Kinda liked the hedonism though. Hung out with apollo n cart around 5. Was nice to link ealry in the daylight. Made two beats. Julia texted me back, which made me happy. All in all great night. They left at an adequate time, which is good, because I slept relatively early.
Woke up super early and made the excuse of having some early meeting so Van would leave me alone. I kind of feel like a dick. I'm so conflicted. They're obsessed with me and boosts my ego, and the sex is so fucking good, but everything else is just annoying. Maybe I should cut it off. Ate a dunkin $6 meal deal in the park with my newfound free time. Death in Midsummer should be arriving in the mail today, but that would have been nice to read to start the day.
Set up stuff for injections from 8am-9am, then injected nonstop from 9am-1pm. Called DB super quick actually to get the flp and all that shit for making music in fl studio. That'll be my task tonight. It's funny, it's kinda good nick won't distract me. I'm definitely trying to skate though, even if it's brief. I missed a good session at JFK yesterday.
Listening to Julia's band. It's even better than the stuff on the playlist they sent me. I'm worried I fumbled by sending weird music. I'm a little enfatuated. I'm fantasizing about our future.
Grinded through the day and left work at around 3:30. Was so tired and hungry I didn't skate :(. I just made steak tacos but ate way too much and became basically immobile. Called Julie for a while and she said it's been a week since she's done blow, which is good. She told her boyfriend and everything. Caught up and shit. It turns out it was this person Jo 4 years ago who told her I was talking to other people, particularly younger girls, which was bullshit. I feel like they just saw me talking to someone or something. Anyways, Julie couldn't give 2 shits about it now and recognizes that was fried. Couldn't even figure out the fl shit. Talked to heads on discord for a little while, facetimed John for a while, hung out with Eamon, Alex, and Spagett, then met up with this dude from Feeld on a whim. It was his first experience with a guy and he was ight. Wasn't that hyped on it. Wasn't able to cum because I was a little depleted. Honestly got way too drunk for a Tuesday night.
Woke up really early for some reason. Happy though, because I want to get back into the habit of going into work early and leeaving early. Julia sent me a fiddle music playlist, which I've been listening to. It's quite nice. Maybe not as into it as I thought it would be but it's so intricate and whimsical. This girl could send me some trash and I'd find it hard not to still like her. Regular work day. Hanging out with Van later. Not really that hyped I'm not gonna lie. I hope this becomes a 1-2 week hangout type situation.
Forgot to mention DB made me a patch using that song 'i'm a painter' prod somaiki. Very excited to start using it.
Ran into Ted, Meatball, and Maydoney on the way home from the lab at JFK fountain. Chopped it up for a second. Was so dusted I just chilled then cleaned and organized until Van came over. I don't even have that much to day, but the dichotomy is insane. They are honestly pretty unchill and they make me roll my eyes all the time and their voice is honestly so obnoxious, but it just grips so fucking right. This tells me how motivated by lust I am currently. I like, fell asleep after we fucked cuz it was so good. Then, they woke me up to suck my dick and we went back to sleep. They don't give a fuck and neither do I.
Woke up pretty early actually (~8:30am). Forgot to take out the trash though. All that matters is that I clean my room, do laundry, do the dishes, clean the bathroom a little, shave my face and pubes, and organize the living room a little. I hate daytime dates, especially cuz it's raining. Hopefully we can walk around a little and eventually make our way back to my place or their place (you know I'd prefer theirs). Finished chapter 3 of The Crying of lot 49. It's such a short book, I think I can breeze through it now. Maybe I'll read a chunk of it tomorrow morning. Then I'll move on to 'From Hell' by Alan Moore, but I should read something else concurrently. I don't want to lug that huge hardcover around.
I'm pretty excited for my date with Julia. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but I'm very attracted to her based on her hinge profile. Hopefully this isn't a repeat of Sophia, the most boring person I've ever met. Julia's way hotter though.
Updating 250408. I'm in love with Julia. Not really, but she's so fucking cute. She's interesting, calm, can carry a conversation, doesn't seem like a prude, and again, is just so fucking cute. This is stupid and kinda gay but she's really elegant, waifish and has some soft pale features but isn't too mouselike. She has a faint mustache on her upper lip, which I think is adorable. I love her ear piercings and actually really like her small, understated septum piercing. She's quite flat chested and I don't really know what's going on with her body but she seems like quite the skinny puppy. I think I tend to be more turned on by a little more meat on the bones but she's really cute. She plays the fiddle and tours all over the place but studied physics at Columbia. Maybe part of me is so enamored because she left me wanting more. The two times I told her I was having a good time with her she gave me such a cute, flustered, blushing look. I feel like it doesn't even make that much sense for me to be as attracted to her as I am, but I was so flustered. It went so well and I can't wait to see her again.
George's birthday at Zoe's was sick. The restaurant was actually incredible. First time eating duck and it was amazing. We all went to state park after and it was so crowded, but then we all chainsmoked outside for hours. Actually really enjoyed seeing Emily, randomly. She has swag. Smoked a little weed with Nick, biked home, and knocked.
Must have drank more than I thought cuz I woke up pretty groggy in the morning. No better feeling than when I looked up trash day and it was tomorrow, not today. Slept right up until 9 basically. Still didn't clean or anything though. Got texted back by Bridget and I've never been happier in my life. She sent me a photo of sliquid lube, which was so random, to which I replied "did this remind me of you." Her response: "Yes very much so." Getting hot and bothered just thinking about it now. I haven't responded yet, but she's free Sunday night. Definitely going to make that happen. In addition, a very literary shawty matched with me on hinge recently and already wants to link. She said it's indie book store day on Saturday, so it's the perfect excuse to hang out. She's a cutie. Worried she might be shy or basic, but whatever. I hope we can hang out and I can crack, then I can dip cuz I got George's birthday dinner. Anyways, I'm excited. Chill day at work too. Got a possible founder for the cart2:QF2;QUAS:mApple line, which would be amazing. Hoping it's not too good to be true. Got an email from cell press, which was very surprising, telling me I'd be second author on Kristian's new paper with Misha, Florian, and Mark. All in all, great day. Trying to wrap up and go drink a beer/read in the park for a little before the happy hour. Still hope that elusive shawty I met once is gonna show up one day. If not, I'll just have 1 or 2 free beers, maybe a slice of pizza, and dip out.
Ended up having more work in the fish room than I had hoped. Dipped out to go grab 2 beers from the wine and cheese cask and chill in perry park and read the crying of lot 49. This might sound kinda childish but with Pynchon's long, convoluded, run-on sentences, it helps to read aloud. I enjoyed the section I read very much.
Went back to the happy hour and the baddie was there, but they dipped out before I got a chance to say Hi. I told Kristian I was pleasantly surprised about the email I got from cell press about the new paper being submitted. This is great news. Trooped home and kicked it with Nick for a little. Biked to Jame's. They were honestly really udnerstanding of my breakdown and said they've been in a similar position before. They said they'd be weirded out too. IO'm so glad we're good now. Back to making tunes. They're sober and were kinda chilling with Gwen but apparently haven't spoken in like a month and a half (which is good). They enable each other so hard. I can't believe Carrie said they were trying to get sober together, like come on, don't be dumb. Jame and Phoebe didn't disagree when I said that Carrie was a little cruel, considering that I was going through a breakdown. We also talked about Jera a little. Jame and Jera both feel no type of way towards each other. It's pretty clear that Oli was toxic as fuck to both of them. Jupps called on the phone to say what's up. We showed each other music. I left around 10:30. Racked some taco bell on the way home, picked up some beers. Just watched the gifted hater kysl video til I knocked. Decided to link up with Julia around 2pm tomorrow.
Woke up super early in the morning and chopped up a little animation/visualizer for wormsmas, a urlfest hosted by iso3g. Also edited the spring concierto recap a little too. Got to work pretty late and Nick had to use my laptop for an exam in the morning, so he brought it to me and we kicked it for a second. Normal day at work. Went home and made tacos. Was going to clean my room but just drank and loafed instead. Advanced alcoholism era rn. Got ready and went to the Dallas Cowboys show with Nick. He drove. So many fucking people were there. Spagett, Bigzo, Connor, Matty, Ryan, Tcoul, Christian, Erica, Erica's new boyfriend, Kris, Charles, Found Connor, Ethan, this girl Ruby who Nick and I both saw on the apps, That one girl whose name I think is Hailey who is fucking insane, Reilley the scooter kid, his girlfriend (unless I'm wrong), which was kinda funny, Ahmed, and hella more people. Too many people, I can't name em all. Cowboys set ruled and it was great to kick it with Aiden and Evan. Aiden said to hit them up if I'm still in NYC after the weekend of the 10th. Also this band 'told not to worry' attracted a huge crowd. I hadn't heard of them but they're from prov and they killed it. Definitely hope to see them again. I'm hyped to hit prov soon when Peagle comes back. Also I think Bigzo got kicked out. Meech got kicked out for vaping so I wonder if it was the same thing. Got home late and knocked.
Chill work day. Went in at 8 and still wana leave at 3, although I hope nobody has noticed I've been gone writing for this site for 1.5 hours. I forgot I need to submit my recorded performance for Wormmas held by iso3g by tonight, and I told Lindsey I'd go out with her again. Decided for the earlu date so I could work on the project at night. With a little time in between for wing wednesday and cleaning my room (much needed. might not get to it until tomorrow tbh. we're definitely going out somewhere near her place, not mine, if you know what I mean.) I don't even know why I said yes to the second date. I folded. Maybe it'll go better than the first, who knows. We also didn't have very interesting sex at all last time. Maybe this time can be different. I don't know. I busted super quick last time haha. That reminds me I gotta pick up condoms. It is 12:26pm and I have succeeded in updating the past whirlwind week.
Felt good to go into work early and leave early. Went to Lulu's and chomped some wings. Was barely able to finish all of them. Somehow starting to get tired of them... but maybe not. Went home and fucked off until going to the Druid to link Lindsey. The convo flowed a little better and was more fun than last time, maybe aided by alcohol. I had 2 high lifes and they had one Irish cider. I had a sip. It was really good because it wasn't too sweet. Went back to their place and they showed me their sea glass collection. Their roommate made fun of the fact that they were showing their hinge date their sea glass collection, but I thought it was funny. Took 1 hit of the bowl they smoked. Obviously didn't feel anything. Took a long ass time to initiate sex. Their body is really sensitive. It shakes pretty furiously when I lick/touch their nipples. They need clitoral stimulation to be extremely light and slow, with a long buildup. Ironic, because I was actually trying to get in and out (no pun intended) as quickly as possible. They edged me for so long that it was hard, once again, to not cum quick. It grips rite. They rid me slowly, with breaks, and I eventually came extremely hard. I came so hard it felt like the condom shot off my dick (fortunately it didn't). I gave them head for a super long time, they came, they gave me a communist newspaper, and I was on my way. I gotta find some kinda way to end this, not gonna lie, it's not really a fun time. hanging out. Every time I think about Bridget I get giddy with joy. Only person I've enjoyed hanging out with just as much as, if not more than fucking. Everyone was asleep when I got home so I just fucked off and chilled for a little before knocking. My room is disgusting and I really, really need to clean it. By Saturday morning for sure.
Lab meeting. Was good to force myself to go in early, by necessity I mean. Another chill ass day at the lab. Went home for a little to eat a late lunch, then went and saw Secret Mall Apartment at the Somerville Theatre with Meera, George, and this guy Thom who they knew because he used to work at Concepts. Great movie, very inspiring. Makes me want to push away from the spectacle and make some interesting art. Gave me an idea for an art performance called "Thetamancer the Squalid Recliner" which I need to flesh out more. I'm thinking I can rope it into the Dipshit Hipstar project. Anyways, I loved the movie. Grabbed a drink at The Burren with everyone after. I have such anxiety about seeing movies, but once again, glad I forced myself to go. Was so fun hanging out after too. This guy Thom, truth me told he may be the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life. That's neither here nor there. I'm just giddy that I have so many friends and we can hang out! Biked home so fast. Terrific bike ride. Made another burger, scrolled on my phone, and knocked.
Back to work. Chil ass day. No Marmon. Linked up with Cart, Apollo, Isaac, and Eamon in Cambridge Commons after work. Went to Charlies too. Just wanted to drink outside with my homies. I missed them. We went our separate ways and I made some burgers at home. Nick was watching the second half of Ghost World. I like that movie. I finally watched Funny Ha Ha, and it was honestly pretty boring but very aestheticallly pleasing. Epitome of Boston baby world with how the protagonist was super depressed over this guy. Fought to stay awake til the end and again, fell asleep really early.
Got donuts at dunkin for the guys as a way to say thanks for letting me crash. Got Coffee House Too with Adam. I think he was a little more hyped on me cuz we were having nice convos about people and plans instead of just turning up. We talked about Ben crashing out a little, my plan to (now) move to Philly in may 2026. I think he was relieved I was thinking and speaking with him seriously, instead of just turning up. Saw more of his smile which was genuinely nice. Trooped to the bus station and hopped on. No one next to me, fortunately. Didn't do much on the ride from Philly to NY. At NY stop I got a coffee and 2 modelo tall boys. Finished reading graffiti on the bus back and started reading lot 49 again. Graffiti is great. Knocked after sipping my 2 beers for a little while. Woke up, just rode out the rest of the ride, and hauled my shit home on the train. Was so relieved to see coffee and be home. Just kinda sipped a little and hung out, showered, went to trader joes to get some food, and kicked it with Nick and Eamon. Missed them sm. Knocked pretty early.
Recounting all these days is taking so fucking long. Woke up and chopped it up with Adam, smoked stoger and hung out outside. Adm trooped to the store, so after I showered I trooped to Pho75 with Ben. It was just about noon when we pulled up. Got some hair of the dog that bit us to go with the breakfast pho as well. The pho was great. I had never had good Pho before, I realized. Very flavorful broth but felt pretty healthy. Way lighter and healthier than Ramen, but I was super full. Wakled to the shop after and hung out for a while. I decided my task for the day was going to be to learn to roll cigarettes. Got some Amsterdam shag and rolled my first one (with Adam's help). Ran into Stella and Emo, which was huge. I truly hope that now that Emo has a face to the name we can be homies. Stella made a better mix for that song they made produced by 02 and me. Such a good chance meeting. Mario airbrushed a shirt for me on a chalk press dyed shirt. Everyone was kinda lethargic so I was worried I was catching a weird vibe, but I think it's fine. That was just regular degular sidewalk behavior. Ben and I trooped to Roy Daytona's pizzeria to get some free. He confided in me that he's been butting heads with Adam on a lot. I definitely see Adam's perspective that Ben is anxious and coping by excessive partying and distraction, but I also understand Ben being bummed at Adam for being pissy. Roy's pizza was good. Any free pizza is good. We got too and couldn't even finish all if it. Abby hit me up to swing by her job if I wanted any free drinks, which was our next destination. We stopped by a bowling ally Nick Trednick works at to drop off the rest of the pizza and had a drink there too. That dude's cool. Low key went to the bar Abby works at way too late and had to chug our beers and barely got to hang out with her. I tipped her 1 solid dollar, another dollar in quarters, and some change. Looking back at it, L rizz. The reason we were in such a rush is that we had to get to this apartment in time to catch a ride to the Yarga show. I wish I hung out with the ICarvedHopeOnMyWrist people more, but it didn't really work out. If only I had a bike. Anyways, Ben and I pulled up to Peagle's girl's place, hung out with Peagle and Matt for a second, then hopped in the truckbed to go to this cutty ass warehouse show. It was low key in an incredibly dangerous area. Riding in the truckbed was a magnificent experience. Was so good to see Tommy, Arlo, Anand, Lorien, and the rest of the squad. Also never really hung out with Peagle that much, but we chopped it up hella that night. The band murder pact was hella good too. In another crazy synchronicity, Julie hit me up for the first time in like 4 years to talk. 2 exes hitting me up in one day (Carrie hit me up to say they were going to Charles' event on Sunday. I didn't respond.) I didn't even have Julie's number saved. She said she needed an anonymous friend and I was hella curious what was up with her so I gave her a call. She said I was her best friend for a couple years, which is crazy to me that she still thinks fondly on our times together. Turns out she broke her elbow, lost her job, is suing the woman who caused her to break her elbow, and has been addicted to coke, doing it every day for the past month. It also turns out Carter's ex Zoe is the one who got her into it. Obviously. I don't use this word genuinely often, but I hate that bitch Zoe. Anyways, I'm really glad Julie's not mad at me or anything and that she could confide in me. I also updated her on my lore a little. Anyways, after that I rejoined the party. Ben and I waited for Abby to text me, which she didn't, and we took the commuter train back to the crib. Fun ass night. And we didn't die!
I apologize for my recollection of this past week being sporadic and plot-driven. I wish I had time to write down more of what I was consuming/thinking. This was the day Lake aka Pink Lung's project dropped if I'm not wrong. It's so fucking good. He really is rap game '94 Beck. Anyways, I woke up on the couch, dipped out, and took the trolley to Ben's work to grab his key. Trooped to his apartment with all my stuff, so tired, and hopped in the shower. Never felt better to shower in my life. This is important for later, but, on the way to the apt I stopped by reanimator coffee. I asked the barista how many shots were in an Americano and asked for an extra, citing that it was "One of those days." She said it was her Monday, so she understood. Good little convo to brighten the day. Ben got back to the crib after leaving the shop and we went to this little abandoned Highway graff spot by the river. Just chopped it up, nothing more. Drank hella. Finally saw Adam back at the crib and we got ready to go see LTJ Bukem. Jewelsea was spinning so Ben got a guest list spot, and Adam and I were thinking I could get +1'd, and Adam would be fine because he's friends with someone there. They kinda denied me at first because Ben doesn't get a +1, but THE BARISTA FROM EARLIER WAS WORKING DOOR. They all said it was Kareem who got us both in, but I think me knowing the barista had to do with it. Tried spitting a little game too cuz I thought I was them on the apps. Anyways, I met Kaedyn who grew up with all the daygo homies. Met hella other people. Some from Cbus who knew Lanie, this girl I talked to all the time for no reason. I was her "Boston bae" apparently. Also finally got to chop it up with Adam's girlfriend, Nakhiya (hope I'm spelling that right). She's dope as hell. Now this is the crasziest part of the night: Abby Esch. She grabbed me out of the crowd and we instantly went outside to chop it up. It was fucking crazy. She just moved to Philly with her bf and they promptly broke up. He was there too which was funny. We chopped it up hella and I was definitely catching a vibe. I'm not gonna lie, I've been down bad for her since 2018. Art reaffirmed me the day after that there was something going on, lol. She went home with her ex, but told me to hit her up cuz she might wanna go out again. I think I waited too long and texted her at around 3am, so unfortunately no link. Some heads went to this guy Soup's place after but Adam and I went home. There's a definite gradient to this trio: Ben going crazy and partying all the time, super down for everything whenever, drugs and alc all the time every day at any time of day. Mario is a chiller but quiet and clearly more focused than Ben. Partier and open-minded but skeptically and to a fault. Adam in a much more serious and conservative mode. Parties one day on the weekend. A little K/coke, but calls it earlier than everyone else. This also became apparent when I proposed a chalk/hieromar popup in Boston. Ben was all for it and wants it to be a huge party with hella vendors. Mario was open to the idea, but not too optimistic. Adam said that Ben was retarded and it wouldn't work at all. Anyways, got back to the crib with Adam. I got a horrible sandwich from the diner and knocked. I was actually pretty worried Adam was bummed or mad at me, but I think he's just in a really stressed and serious mode right now. Later, on Sunday morning, he told me I always got a couch but they might not be able to "entertain," which was fine. He's usually just a lot more energetic, but I guess this is what running a business does to you. Knocked on the couch. Leg hurt so much from this insect bite and jumping up and down all night that I could barely walk.
Woke up at Niche's like "where tf am I?" Jera woke up K-holing like he was blind. Stepped out to grab a coffee and he fell asleep before he could let me in. Fortunately Grace was leaving the crib (resident along with Niche). Basically just trooped over to Sidewalk and kicked it with Ben and Mario. Mario's a chiller, I had never met him before. I thought he was gonna be all crazy but he was actually super chill. Honestly, my memory's a blur of what went down, but I just hung out and chopped it up with everyone. We were joking that I worked a shift. There's this really gnarly old man who thinks he's hilarious who came in trying to get his bowties repaired. He kept saying "I don't usually cuss" then ripping a new one with the swears. True tongue lashing. He was a gentleman from the south. He claimed to have an eye for fashion and hated weed. I secretly recorded him cuz I asked "Are we from the earth or are we on top of it?" You'll hear the response in some project eventually. Ben had to dip out for a date, so I chopped it up with Art and Mario. Mario and I hit this bar called Tattoed Mom around the corner. Super wannabe graff type bar, but it was chill. Mostly pretty cutty people. Every single person in there was on a first date. Mario actually convinced me to play a round of pool with him. Finally over my fear of pool, I honestly owe him a lot for that. I convinced him to come to this kickback that Paul was driving us to at Sophie's place. By way of the road trip, Paul and Sophie have a little fling going on. In the car the day before, Sophie actually told me I had to fuck her roommate, which was the main attraction of this kickback. Not gonna lie, the roommate was pretty chopped in person and was not rocking with me. You know they type of person who shouldn't have a short haircut? Anyways, Sophie told us all about death match wrestling, this dude Cal from New Hampshire and I talked shop on Massachusetts graff (He's the Philly version of Eamon to a T), and Mario and I bonded in general. Got so tanked again. Just knocked on the couch.
Woke up and fucked Van again in the morning. I came in their mouth. Much, much later, everyrone woke up. Jera cracked open a warm beer that was left beside him on the couch as soon as he got up. They wanted to go to Salem so I proposed that I stay back to clean and pack. I feel like they probably wanted me to come but I definitely needed some alone time. I also kicked out Van cuz I hate cleaning around other people. Charles stopped by to pick up my ddj so he could practice spinning before his set on Sunday.
Everyone returned from Salem and I hopped in the whip. Stopped in Cambridge for Jera to get whippets. Knockoff galaxy gas. I swear to god, every 15 seconds in the car he took a hit of the gas. They add popped addies too. And did Molly the night before. Gnarly crew. To keep it short, I basically just chopped it up with everyone the whole time and got to know them. Stopped for alcohol in Woodbridge CT, which made the ride a lot more fun from then on. Had to stop in Yonkers for Sophie to piss, then on the highway. It was mad funny, they told me to piss in a bottle, but I held my dick up to it and knew it was a bad idea. I was off 2 40s and drunk off my ass. Sidenote, Jera and I talked hella shit on Oli the whole ride, honestly. It was warranted. Fuck Oli. As soon as we got to Niche's in Philly I hung out for a second then started passing out in the chair I was in. They sent me to the basement where I knocked on the couch instantly, but not before puking in the basement bathroom. ~300 milesw south of Boston and a lot warmer. Slept great with no blanket. Although I got bit by a mysterious insect in 2 places.... thanks Niche. Nah it was actually a terrific gesture of hospitality. Their house is so fucking nice. And cheap I imagine.
Gonna be a real slow day at work. At least I have therapy, a meeting with Mark (boss), and a meeting with Morgan (previous research fellow) to break up the monotony. Looks like I'm gonna hop in the car with Jera, Tommy, and whoever else tomorrow to drive down to Philly for a few days. I'm kinda nervous, especially for coffee, but I know she'll be fine. Jera wants me to stay until Saturday for this show. I wanna see if I can maybe take a red eye really late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. Also don't wanna be a force to Ben and Adam. It was just Adam's birthday though, so we gotta turn up.
Don't wanna talk about that fried DM in therapy, to be honest. I'm gonna be making something out of nothing, just still a little nervous. Was hoping I could take Bridget to the thrift shop of Boston this weekend, but now it obviously won't work. And they're gone next week, which is too bad. Hopefully we can connect the week after. It's funny because I said I wanted to chill out after this insane weekend of the 2 shows, but now I'm going to romp in Philly. Maybe next week. Gotta lock in on Outside world. Everyone's hyped.
I feel braindead. I need to use my brain and read. In the car maybe I can finish Graffiti and edit the recap of the Spring Concierto. Sidenote: Philly Hinge is so much better than Boston Hinge. Finally here are the grimy girls and theys I've been looking for. Already matched with one.
It is 250421. Time to update the past 6 days. It was a whirlwind. This is going to be quite an endeavor. Random, but I want to read Walter Benjamin's Theses on the Philosophy of History. Jimmy's final episode of P2C discusses it, apparently.
Ok now it's 250423 and it's time to fuck off at work and take on the herculean task of updating the past week.
After work around 5pm, Kara and I walked to Trina's to get a drink. I'm really praying for that girl, wow. Still hung up on her ex from (almost) a year ago. She needs one of those "snap-out-of-it" moments i had with Carrie. I fuck with Kara but she lives in baby world. Good conversation anyways.
Biked home. It had stopped raining but my bike seat was super wet. Stopped home for a while to clean up before linking Jera at the Model with these two people Paul and Sophie (who I had not met before). Impulsively told Van to pull up. I knew we'd be with other people but I still wanted to have a convo with them about what we're looking for. Also asked Boston Freaks group chat to pull up and Meera + Charles said they would, but Meera bailed (obviously). It was fun on a bun chopping it up with Jera. Paul and Sophie were very friendly too. There was a drag show going on and one of the performers painted a mouth on their asscheeks and spread them open to lip sync. You could see butthole, it was gnarly. Nick had already hit the hay when we grabbed some beers and went back to my place, but Eamon hung out with us for a while. Ok so basically Van is super chill with being nonmonogamous and is ok with me not texting them back immediately. They said it's ok as long as they're my favorite hoe (lol, it grips rite so maybe they are). They actually wanted to hear about who I've been fucking and I showed them Bridget and Lindsey. I talked about how Bridget was actually super cool but Lindsey was kinda weird. They asked if I wanted to see who they were talking to (talking to, not fucking), and I said something along the lines of 'sure I guess,' although, to be honest, that's not really my thing. I'm the only person they're fucking. But they're going to a lesbian orgy in May supposedly.
Anyways, Van and I fucked while the other kept chopping it up. They stayed up hella late apparently. It was kinda fried, we had the lights on and they were on the porch. They could have easily seen Van riding me but whatever. Van and I knocked.
Still feel pretty exhausted physically from this weekend. Looks like I might (85% chance) take Wednesday-Friday off so I can go to Philly with Jera until Sunday. It was just Adam's birthday so it'll be so good to see him. I'm a little nervous for this long car ride with people I barely know, but fuck it. I'm excited to go. I'm also nervous to take off so much work and leave Nick and Eamon in charge of the cat, but it'll be okay. I'm just being a nervous nelly. I gotta do this! Can't pass up the opportunity of Jera driving down and getting a free ride.
Date with Lindsey later. Did I mention that Carter went to hgih school with her? She was one year older. Apparently she's on antibiotics and can't drink rn, so we're gonna grab a tea at Andala. I do not suspect we're gonna crack. I think I'm just gonna stay at work/in Cambridge until thedate at 7. Now that I had such a great night with Bridget I'm not even that excited for Lindsey. I'll give it a shot though. Maybe it'll be a second link crack if all goes well. I also need to clean the entire apartment and do laundry (which will be nearly impossible to to at night). I hope we get tea and chop it up for and hour. If she invites me to her place, I'll go, but I'm gonna be wearing a work fit and will be gross from the lab, which will suck. Ok no, typing this out I change my mind. I'm going to jet home and shower, then bike back to Cambridge, then maybe drink in a park while reading Graffiti while waiting for this date. Going home and showering just in case she wants to crack at her place, which is near Inman I believe. I have no laundry though, which is Dumb of me. I'll make it work.
I need to talk to Van but idk how. They are constantly responding to my texts immediately after I send them and double texting frequently when I don't respond. It's scary. They even quadruple texted me yesterday.
Grinded through the rest of the day trying to find things to do. I think I may have spent up to 1.5 hours updating this site. After work, I jetted home and chilled for a second + showered, then took off for my date with Lindsey, the girl who Carter went to high school with. It was pretty awkward and we didn't really get along super naturally. She's definitely basic and career/work-oriented. Major over-achiever. Ivy-educated autistic jewtina. I was honestly not expecting to get the invite over to her place but she was rocking with it. Later I would find out why... but I went to her place and we kicked it for a little, then smoked some weed. I don't know what compelled me to smoke but I was barely high and just felt kind of dumb, which has happened before for sure. I just wanted to be a little more on her level, because she took an edible in the time between when she drove home and I biked to hers'. This was because she drove and I biked to Andala. The lemonade I got was pretty good, I guess. Just had to get something.
Anyways, this girl is bad at sex. She was so awkward and quiet. I definitely tried to take the lead and she was down for everything but it was a little like pulling teeth. She said she was being quiet because her roommates were around, not because she wasn't enjoying herself, but she definitely seemed to lack emotion. I will say her pussy was pretty tight, though. And she had some kind of fancy condom that I think made the sex feel better, because I came really fast. I honestly came pretty quickly with Bridget the night before too, so maybe I'm in a fast nutting phase. I don't know why that happens. Anyways, I ate her out for a super long time, and really slowly, until she came. My right hand was basically asleep and my shoulder/arm was so sore. I think she just really wanted to see how good at eating box I was (which I put on my hinge profile), because right after she came she said 'you live up to your claim' or something like that. We cuddled for a little awkwardly, then she kicked me out. I biked home, made some chicken paired with arugula, tried to run laundry, drank two beers, and knocked out. This is casual sex in your mid-20s. Relatively easy, some good, some bad, life goes on.
Everyone mostly woke up at around 12:30 or 1. Nick and Olivia got up too and we all chopped it up for a little. The guys left (definitely would have been later had it not been for Ben's injury) and I went back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later to get ready for my date with Bridget. I was experiencing pretty bad acid reflux so I ate a banana and Nick gave me a pepsid. We watched some Portlandia while I tried to recover from extreme physical exhaustion. I ended up going to the model a little early and read more of Graffiti while I waited for Bridget to pull up. We hit it off so well. She has so much style and isn't nearly as basic as I thought she was going to be. She's crunchy granola but she's a smart cookie and really knows how to spark some banter. 2 beers for me, 1 for her, I pulled the Nick method and mentioned how I have more beers at my place. We walked over, chopped it up, and did the deed. It was funny, there was a break in the conversation where she asked "So do people in Lower Allston like to kiss?" While at the same time I awkwardly overlapped with "Can I give you a kiss?" It was funny. I'm not gonna lie, the sex was okay. I am not super super super attracted to them, but I am moderately attracted to them. I came really quickly, then fingered them until they came. Then after chilling for a little we started having again, where I was too depleted to cum but I made her cum from penetration multiple times. She has small lips, is horrible at head, and I'm not gonna lie, not a very tight pussy, but I actually really like her personality. She has really smooth skin though, and one pierced nipple. She's not really that skinny which you can only tell when she's naked, which I was a fan of. She's quirky, extroverted, and I like tlaking to her a lot. We will definitely be linking again. I called her an uber home around 1:30am, drank another beer and ate half a trader joe's frozen pizza until 2am when I knocked as soon as my head hit the pillow.
So one of the first things that happened today was that I woke up to a fried DM. Kayde's boyfriend DM'd me to say that I made them uncomfortable last night and that I'm not welcome around them. They accused me of saying that hooking up with trans girls when I was younger helped me realize that I'm bi. They totally misheard what I said: I mentioned how someone (Ethan) (and idek how it came up) got so mad when I thought he was gay that he wrote a song about not being gay. This being the case, he openly admitted to loving dick, but that it had to be from a girl. I just thought that was horrible and absurd, laughing at it. I said that there definitely is some psychology in society that people who are closeted justify wanting to do gay shit or start doing gay shit by hooking up with more non-cis feminine people, but obviously that's not a morally correct thing to do and it's horrible. I shared that I definitely thought that way at one point (literally 8 years ago) and that I realize how harmful and bad that is. I could get an air of anger from Kayde's boyfriend and let up for sure, because I could tell the topic was definitely sensitive to him, but I didn't pick up on any discomfort from Kayde at all. Anyways, my words were definitely minced, but I should have known better than to speak on the topic at all as a cis man. I'm ashamed to have made someone uncomfortable and I'm extremely embarassed. I feel really guilty and I feel fear that people will think negatively of me from this. Idek. Just an inapproproate topic. I don't think it's bad to admit that I had a shitty perspective and shitty thoughts 8 years ago that I can reflect on with disgust. Maybe I don't necessarily need to share it, but I thought it was interesting. I should have thought about how the topic, coming from me, might affect someone with a trans identity. Anyways, writing about this makes me feel less bugged. It is 250414 now and I feel a little better. I was a ball of anxiety.
Last night before I fell asleep I dm'd Nat 'i miss u.' They responded in the morning to say they're still pretty torn up from their breakup and only want to be friends. I responded immediately that that was fine by me. Dillon and splaeko came over with the speaker from Triff and we got it figured out. Carter came over, then Gavin and his gf. We chilled, figured out sets and shit, then Dillon and Splaeko drive to the stu. Jason came and picked up the rest of us and brought us to the stu. We set up, then little by little people showed up. Shit was lit. It was awesome to met Eli and it was great to see Tebi again. Always good to see Dante, Scott, and Jordan. Anyways all of this will be in the recap vid. So during bonx's set, Jupps broke his fucking leg, bit he thought it was just sprained, so he performed (from the ground). Rozu's set was sick. It was cool that Fendi pulled up. It was wild that tracy2mars pulled up. Trendy barely did any of the vocals during his set lol, but it was a vibe. He pointed to his bottle of Don Julio and said "this the feature." Rxckett did a surprise set. He was content with how lit it was. He's going a little broadway though. I would say hollywood but he's from NY. During B&U's set he walked out saying "nah, nah, shit's lame," which honestly upsets me a lot. He's a smart cookie and he tells it like it is but that was rude. I'm glad he told me not to drink though, because it was good I didn't. B&U set was awesome and I was hyped on the collab songs. After their set, J brought Ben to the hospital while Karonte, Carter, and Jakob stayed behind. I forgot to mention Van was there the whole time. They asked if they could visibly flirt with me which was funny. They deadass shook ass the entire time. That was crazy. I introduced them to some people. I was kinda awkward about them being there but they were hyped to meet people. They hit it off with Sophie and Lauren. Jason's set was amazing. He played the best songs. Only issue is he ducked off to do molly (I assume) during everyone else's set ...... which sucks so hard. We went crazy for his set and he just ducked off into another room to do drugs after it was over. Made me mad. Carter's set was lit. My set was pretty good. At this point the crowd had thinned out so much because it was approaching 3am. That's the issue with doing a show that late in Boston, I guess. I thought 3am was the perfect end time. Fern's set ended exactly at 2:59pm. The remaining people turned up for him, then the show ended. We cleaned up, reorganized, then went home. Actually Tommy Chronic pulled up with Benjy and we hung out outside for a little: the three remaining B&U guys, Carter, and me. I also found my second forty and finally had the chance to drink it. We ubered home and got back around 5:00am. Karonte and Carter and I played a word game with bananagrams tiles while Jakob went back to the car to meet Ben and J. Also I forgot to mention that Wyatt ended up not coming because he got arrested for graff for the third time this year. I got dunks for everyone as payment for performing and we kicked it for a brief moment before we all hit the hay at 8:30am. Basically the show was awesome.
DJ set day. Woke up pretty late, had lab meeting, showered, went to the lab to briefly screen some fish. Logged a half day and left. Practiced DJing at home and started drinking way too early. Wasn't able to figure out how to load pad effects but was able to figure out how to load tags, which I spammed alongside sound effects during my set. Eddie, Ted, and Nick pulled up. Finally got to meet Carter's new boo. She's pretty cool. Like I assumed, everyone else on the bill was fried. Not fried but just like, definitely not my set at all. Glad I went with the DJ set. Went to the model briefly after. Walked home late and knocked happily.
I forgot to mention that Nat from ~3 or 4 years ago was at Pasta Planet that night hanging out with Vi. Also it's really dope how Pat and Vi are cool now. They took a trip to Alabama together. Anyways, Nat and I talked for a while. It's funny, they broke up with their partner (of around a similar timeframe to Carrie and me) last week. At the end of the show I asked to talk to them for a second and we exchanged some chit chat over a cigarette and kissed before Nick drove Carter, Lyric, and I to the Model.
Throat hurts.... either reinfected myself with strep or the constant heavy drinking stopped the azithromycin from working. Well, I need some more azithromycin and less alcoholism. I think after Saturday I'll start taking the medication. Just set up an online doctor's appointment and I'm waiting for it to start. I gotta go on Keflax for 10 days. This kinda fucks up the dates I was planning, but maybe I can have just one drink on those dates. This enby Lindsy is really cute. They look like Rachel Sennot and we're already getting along after a few days messaging on hinge. Very few days actually. They just sent me their number. They seem a little basic but maybe that's a good thing. Bridget's also basic but a cutie. They didn't know who David Foster Wallace was. They have more interesting swag. I'm excited for both dates regardless.
It's definitely good I probably can't drink next week. I need a break, but moreso something physically keeping me from drinking. A little alcohol appreciation break.
You know the drill. It is now Monday morning 250414 and I am updating this. Wow I didn't even update on Friday. I feel weird. Holy shit.
Now it's 2:52pm. Coffee time. Time to finally update a little.
On Thursday Meera, Dillon, Nick, and Kris surprised Carter for his birthday. We got drunk and made a couple beats then went to the sil. It was Dillon's first time at the sil. I think he didn't want to go at first but he was pleasantly surprised by it. Nothing too notable besides the fact that I got drunk out of my mind.
Ate breakfast and a little food from the HSCRB seminar today. I'm lacking on IF. It's ok. I will get 6 wings from Lulu's, then eat some arugula and a banana, then nothing else for the day. I did not go back to sleep after Van left, which is good. I'm typing this at 2:37pm though and I'm a little tired. Fern, Apollo, Cart, Avril, and possibly others are coming through to figure out shit for the show later, which will be fun, but I'm a lil knocked. I still need to make my set for Friday. I think we're gonna have a little kicker for Carter tomorrow as a surprise for his birthday (Friday). I feel *insert word I don't use often.*. I'm fried, chaotic, feeling like a loose cannon, I can't even speak right. It's ok. I'm gonna chill big time after this weekend. Also the video for my song with Jupps is finally dropping tonight. I'm so happy I could cry. Van gassed up my music and said it's cool we do shows actually. I wanna leave work so bad oh my god. I wanna jet to Lulu's, go home and shower, then figure everything out for the show.
Felt like a long day. Went to Lulu's, rushed home, and showered. Fern pulled up first and we chopped it up over a cig or two. He agrees that now is the time for people to grind and be involved. We have the ball rolling on a lot, so many leads with shows... we should work on the album and collab tape with B&U. Fern recorded on an Apollo x me beat. I think Karonte would sound so good on the back half. Apollo pulled up shortly after and started practicing on the DDJ, then Avril pulled up and Apollo showed him the ropes. This dude Rams pulled up with avril who was cool. He took some flicks of everyone later with an iPhone 5. The quality was honestly sick. I made a playlist for my DJ set on Friday at Pasta Planet, then worked on the poster a little with Fern, then worked on some beats with Apollo and Avril. Fern had to dip after he made the poster. Jason and I recorded a song on a really hard apollo x avril x me beat. We couldn't really get levels right and I later realized the 48V was off while recording.... I feel so dumb. We'll go back to it for sure though. I think I'll just re-record my verse and have Jason do his at home. I'll master it though. Fell asleep around midnight.
Compared to yesterday I woke up feeling like a million bucks. Got to the lab at 9, grinded through shit, nothing super new. I need to start compiling job prospects on a spreadsheet. It looks like there are a solid few zebrafish labs in NYC, but all academic. I need to find the industry groups. Hanging out with Van later. They're something else. Some red flags with how fast they respond and how hyped they are, not gonna lie. BUT it's casual and I'll stand my ground on it being that way. I'm sure they're down for that as well, but just in case they're not. I just don't want to feel the urge to respond to their texts like as soon as they send them. It's weird because I want to text them back because I want to please them but I don't actually want to text them back immediately constantly. I gotta put myself first. I am hyped to watch blade runner later though.
Stayed at work until 5, cheffed up an egg taco, cleaned up a little, and just chilled and watched Home Movies until Van came over. We pretty much immediately started fucking. I think it's because they had only been with one other cis man and very few people with penises before, but they literally said "I didn't realize sex with a man could feel that good." Sex with them is like an ego boost. They were constantly cumming. We tried to watch blade runner after but I could barely keep my eyes open. We fucked a little more then knocked. Coffee kinda terrorized us all night so I kicked her out again. In the morning we fucked again and I came with them on top, but it took a while. Pretty much as soon as they left they texted me something the lines of them not being able to stop thinking about me, which, ngl, is kinda starting to scare me a little. They're a little too obsessed with me and the double texting is a lot. I am afraid lmao. But I gotta remember I don't gotta respond if I'm busy. That's the normal response. Got some dates lined up next week so that's prety exciting. I think Bridget with the glasses is pretty cool and this girl Lindsey seems kinda basic but she's an environmental scientist so I gotta tap in. Probably taking both of them to the model. Looks like my hoe era is not over.
I am a zombie today. 2 hours of "sleep." Was considering taking a half sick day at work but I have too much to do. I need some food. I was gonna troop to Melrose to hang out with this trans guy from feeld (what are the odds) but I bailed due to not sleeping at all last night. I think I'll still link eventually, but maybe a weekend day would work better. I wanted to go to work early but I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I slept for like 30 extra minutes after showering and forced myself on the bus and to work. Haven't read or made music in days. Jonathan and I didn't even work on anything quizzical. I think I should lock in tonight. Van is low key blowing my phone up. They're really hyped on me. They're really cool but damn! We're gonna grab drinks at the model on Tuesday. It's 11:13am and I am gonna get a burrito. I have spent so much money this past week/weekend and I'm almost afraid to look at my bank account. I should be ok though.
After work I went home and lazed around a little until I had the energy to hop on my laptop. Sent Tommy that David Foster Wallace Swag song prod apollo to mix. He ended up making a huge mix of hella songs of mine spammed with tags and shit. So I sent him phage gang tags. I think we'll work more in the future. Finished this beat (kinda) that apollo and I made and sent it to fern. Bounced and sent some tracks to the gang that I had recorded recently. After making steak tacos and doing the dishes I retured to watching home movies and drinking a couple delos. I forced myself to leave my phone far away on my desk so I could focus and enjoy the show to the maximum. I ended up laughing a lot, which never happens when I watch things on my own. The spectacle (moreso ADHD) was stopping me from fully enjoying something that I know I enjoy yet again! Fell asleep super early.
Dreaded sunday. Honestly woke up pretty early but lazed around for a super long time. Got some quick head from a sniffies guy. I was so horny. Ran into Tommy Chronic and Benjy on the walk back. They wanna work which is cool. I love seeing that people are down for the phage. I texted this person Van from the apps like all day back and forth and we decided to hang out after they got off work. We were gonna hang out on Tuesday but we were hitting it off via text, so why not. They're really weird and interesting. Having a baddie be down for you and gas you up must feel better than crack. They came over and we fucked then hung out all night. It was really great not gonna lie. They're 22 but were on testosterone from the age of 15 to 19, so they have really really small tits and what they called "bottom growth." It was great sex not gonna lie. I came, then they came, then after watching a couple episodeds of Home Movies (which I had been doing all weekend) and hanging out and getting to know each other, we went to sleep but fucked a little before. I wasn't quite able to cum again yet, so we decided to proceed in the morning. Went to sleep around 2:30am probably. Didn't do much sleeping. Woke up around 4:30 and fucked again, this time with me cumming. They had a really tight pussy to be honest. This is the first time I've been this turned on in a while. They were moaning and squirming the whole time too and seemed to enjoy it very much. I'm hyped on them. I made them a coffee and we hung out for a second until they ubered to work.
I wanted to read but Isaac slept over so I had to kick it with him, obviously, which I was happy to do. We watched wknd and bronze videos for a couple hours before Nick woke up and we went to the Deluxe Town Diner in Watertown. Weekly tradition. Ted came through and we got coffee at Intelligentsia. Lovely little rainy Saturday morning hang. When we got back home I just knocked for a little. Then Jonathan came through because he was visiting for Max's brother's wedding shower. We chopped it up then Nick joined us to go to Yume. No spicy but it was still good. The three of us hanging out... I need to move to NYC so bad. Time of my life. I love my friends. After Yume we went to the sil and it was insane. That whole little squad of BU poeple was there. Jonathan was so hyped to see Alexei and Ivan. I finally asked Lauren for her number. I know she's moving so I feel like it's kinda risky rizz. I honestly am pretty down to just hang out as of now. She's weird and I'm into that. Eric was there as well and I talked to her hella. She followed me back on the gram and we were gonna follow her and ehr squad to the model after Eamon pulled up, but she like, kissed this guy she was with and that instantly put the kibosh on my rizz. Oh and Max and Diana were there. I fucking love them both so much. It's always a blast to chill with them. Meera and Isaac also came through. Mattie aparently wrote out a diss track against Meera and that caused a commotion. Isaac was bummed. That skater Tom was there and we chopped it up for a second. There was a girl from the apps who Nick tried to talk to (who I also saw but didn't match with) and she was all fratty. Fried and hectic ass night but so goddamn fun. Out of my mind sloshed.
Woke up late! Forgot to take out trash and recycling. That'll be a tomorrow morning problem. So dusted. Joined lab meeting late. Got a big coffee from Dunks. Really phoning it in at the lab. Gonna leave to go skate with Nick quickly before his 12hr shift. Then I'm gonna come back for the happy hour. I really hope that super attractive person is there this time. My back kinda hurts. Hope it doesn't fuck up my skating too much. Listened to so much music today. New 1of1soldier project, new sub9k project + hella older stuff, a lot of moh baretta for some reason... I should really lock tomorrow before I meet up with Pinch. Also, I love hanging out with Eamon and Eddie. They're dope. Good apartment vibe.
Well, you know how this story goes. I am updating this on Monday 250407. Another whirlwind weekend. Nick and I skated Smith briefly and I landed a lot of my tricks. I just gotta skate the bigger ledges instead of the small ones and start hitting the round rails again. Biked back to work for the happy hour. Elusive and mysterious shyte was nowhere to be found, but I chopped it up with Garrett a lot. He was so bummed we never hung out more. I finally gave him my Instagram. After that I jetted home and started facetiming random people. Nick actually had his 5pm to 5am shift and Eamon was gone so I was pretty bored. Ethan Knelly came over which was so random. Isaac also came through. Ethan was just in a talk loop of talking about how he's not gay but he loves dick and is openly a chaser. He was so bummed I thought he was gay. Chilling with Isaac was great though. Nick actually got off kinda early and we kicked it for a while all together. I think I drank 6 tall boys so I was tanked. Isaac slept on the couch.
Kept waking up sweating last night. I don't think it was warm enough for the heat to be on, so that was weird. Woke up around 7 and finished watching Heat while I drank my coffee. Really cool movie, honestly. I just really enjoyed it. Don't even think I have much else to say about it. Rained on the way to work, which was kind of a bummer.
Song of the day is the new experiencer song 'late so early.' Really cool. True artist. So excited for this show next weekend. Exp sent a draft of the flyer. So excited to announce. Imagine if PG and B&U never connected, wow. Album of the day is Building Nothing Out of Something by Modest Mouse. It's a great album that I never appreciated as much as Lonesome Crowded West. This might be because it seems a little slower. It's a little less punky and it's weirder. I think I just had to slow down and appreciate the details. There were always songs I liked but now I realize there aren't any songs I don't like on it. It's so hipster. I mean the 'in heaven' interpolation... come on. I just had to embrace that and now I like the album more. It's not as aggro or 'punk' as Lonesome Crowded West, I suppose, but it's pulling its own weight.
Karaoke later with Nick, his new fling Olivia, and apparently Olivia's sister. Olivia's actually pretty cool. We made fun of her for being basic but after meeting her I'm not sure that's the case. Her favorite artist is LCD soundsystem. I don't like LCD soundsystem but I think that's a good sign. Well, maybe I'll give him another chance today. I wonder what her sister will be like. I'm trying to skate today but it's looking prety wet out. Tomorrow would be ideal anyways. It's possible but hard for me to skate two days in a row. Jonathan's coming up this weekend but I doubt he wants to skate. We'll see though. Actually I think skating's a wash today. No music yesterday so I should make up for it today. I also need to do laundry and clean my room in case things really go well with Olivia's sister. I have no sex drive rn though. Weird.
Still wet outside. No skating today. 30 minutes left on the clock. Can't wait to leave. I wanna make steak tacos. Less salt than usual though. Extra pepper for blackening. I will first load the laundry, then cook, then moove things to the dryer, then organize. Then in the meantime I can work on music. I want to work on that beat apollo and I started that sounds orchestral and weird. Had my third coffee of the day just now. Feeling a little wired.
Posted flyer announcing show! So hyped.
Went home so tired. Really warm out although it was rainy. Tacos turned out incredible. Pepper is the move. Chopped it up with Nick, Eddie, and Eamon before Nick and I biked to the middle east. Was honestly a huge blast. Olivia's sister did radioactive by imagine dragons which is a huge L, but she's cute. She's the older sister, which makes sense. I thought she was younger. Honestly, I really feel some type of way about her. She's really hot. We're all gonna hang out again on Saturday night. Not quite sure how it'll work but we'll see. The gay roommates were funny. The girl, Emily, was really nice but super quiet and shy. Jason was the complete opposite. He was kinda annoying but he grew on me. The sister (Gwen) said she was going to Rhode Island tomorrow (250404) so I said have fun at Iggy's and she was so freaked out I knew what that was. She actually was planning on going, which was crazy. W rizz? Later Nick passed me her number through Olivia. I spent like $30 somehow, even though I didn't think I drank that much. I clearly did apparently. Mighta gotten scammed but I was too tanked to care.
Nick and I biked back and saw our neighbors were hanging out on the porch. We grabbed Eamon and introduced ourselves. We drank with them for a little bit but I was so schlump. Fell asleep around 2am I think.
Woke up later than I hoped I would. Wing Wednesday. Going to Charles' art thing later. Not really sure what's in store. It was so cold today but I just wore a hoodie and a thermal. Therapy at 11:30.
Pretty good therapy sesh. I remember last session she told me it was probably wise to stay in the spot I'm in due to the turbulence of the country rn, but today I talked a lot about how I need to move urgently (keep in mind urgently means in over one year), and she understood the need. She accepted that I need to get into a new phase of my life and have a large change. She also moved to NYC for similar reasons in her 20s: had been in MA her whole life and had people she knew in NYC. Imagine living in the same city as Jonathan and Tebi... imagine. It's also good to have a long-term goal with a solid ending to focus on, especially while processing this breakup (whether conscious or subconscious). To be frank: New York is gas. I also would be open to Philly. I told her about how my interaction with Carrie really bummed me out but in the end it went exactly as it should have. Hard divide between us is pretty important. I even admit that my uncouth question about Jame came from a place of insecurity and jealousy amidst a breakdown, so my therapist agreed Carrie could have recognized that and been nicer. In addition, They were kinda cruel in saying they're handling the breakup better because I wronged them, which is also untrue. Maybe I wasn't great but they also have some accountability. Truth be told, it was as mutual as breakups get although I was in denial a little. They were pretty fucked up too. Completely snapped out of romanticization and into reality. I'm better off being able to do whatever I want right now. There were countless times where they got in the way. Any kind of spell of romanticization and nostalgia I went through was illogical, but natural. Phases come and pass.
Left work at 4. Got some wings and a gansett. Got a 6 of pbr on the way home and started watching Heat. I was reminded of it because Val Kilmer died today. I started Miami Vice a while ago but I wasn't paying attention and got confused. Should have used subtitles too because the audio wasn't great. I remember that being a pretty fun era, although I know it probably wasn't. It was summer, right after Carrie and I moved our stuff into the big room. That was a good room. Anyways, about halfway into Heat I biked to Charles' art thing. It was an alumni show for this k-8 school called 'shady hill' or something like that. Very "priviledged granola". It's pretty cool how people who graduated up to 7 decades ago still had a relationship with the school though. Anyways, I talked to a lot of old people, which is different, drank about 3 IPAs from the open bar, and jetted home. Started nodding off during Heat so I paused it with 20 minutes left to fall asleep.
Year 1/4 over wow. Woke up hella early and got to work around 8am. Gonna leave around 3 to skate before phage gang band practice. Song of the day is 'Weird' by gucci. I have so many injections to do (hopefully), which will hopefully take up most of the day and I can kinda turn my brain off.
Currently 12:30. I have a meeting at 1. Hoping I can wrap everything up and be out the door at 3. Hopefully I can skate until like 5:30 or even 6, then eat, shower, get ready for tunes. I haven't read at all recently. Maybe that'll be a task for tomorrow. I really wanna go on a date with that girl Giseele from Hinge. I don't even wanna smash innediately, I just wanna be in her presence. She's so beautiful. I love teeling this phagestory.
Skated for a second. Started moving a little faster and hitting bigger obstacles/floating more. Slowly getting my tricks back. I'm so happy. Skating is so important to my well-being. Chopped it up with Meatball at the park a little. That guy rules. I'm so happy to even be able to see him around sometimes. Apollo came over and we cooked a couple beats. I also hopped on this 4url x Apollo beat with some of his guidance. Ate some takis and fell asleep pretty early. Eamon Eddie Ted and Nick were all in the living room chopping it up for a long time.
Three months of daily entries. Feeling a little better, calmer, and more reflective after finally updating this after about 3 days. Didn't sleep super well last night to be honest. My throat felt kinda weird, which I hope is from not putting the cases on my pillows, and not a failure of these antibiotics to cure my strep. Inspection day at the lab, which took up a nice chunk of the day. Got some soup cuz I really needed it. Slow day. I can't believe it's only 2pm. Can't wait to go home. I want to organize, clean a little, cook, watch this movie Lewis and Clarke and George, and maybe make a song. I think this is a good plan. Maybe I'll read tomorrow or something.
Went home, chilled for a second, then organized and clocked in. Mixed trumpet a little better, recorded a song on an apollo beat, and recorded an open (mainly for karonte) on a notthesun beat. Facetimed Karonte to tell him about it, and was in vc with Scott for hella long. Made him a mel. Then I watched the 90s movie 'Lewis and Clark and George.' Indulgent, on-the-nose, thrilling, bad acting. Watched a vhs rip on internet archive. Rose McGowan was so hot. I expected a different ending. Makes me want to find cutty movie screenings and people to talk to these things about. I should go to Harvard Film Archive/JP Movie Cafe/Somerville theatre. Somerville theatre is doing some Lynch movies this month. I haven't seen Mulholland Drive yet, so that'd be cool. On the 17th. L&C&G reminded me of House of 1000 Corpses with the quick cut editing. Also Natural Born Killers.
I fr woke up at 2pm. So fried. Skated with Nick around 5pm and although I kept it low impact, I landed almost all of my ledge tricks. Front and back nosegrind, crook, smith, tailslide. Wasn't a big flatground day, but I landed a treflip. I landed an impossible on Friday which made me very happy. Kinda wrapped up my session quickly, then took the bus to the lab to set up some fish. I felt so awful all day fr. Body hangover. Still felt drunk honestly. I was obliterated. Got home from the lab and just kinda chilled. Watched some Simpsons before falling asleep. Definitely need to kick it back into gear tomorrow.
Slept like a baby. Woke up around 9. Recorded a freestyle on a cg beat. Called "trumpet freestyle." Got exp's vocal patch to work and it sounds really cool, especially the spreader effect for adlibs. It is a little muddly though, and I think that just might be my voice, idk. I need to tweak it a little. Everything sounds so muddy without high pass filter, but I got good feedback from the outside phagers. Was trying to go on a longer bike ride, like 20 miles or so, but it was kinda off and on raining all day. Walked to the pet store, then actually drove to Rosnlindale with Nick to go to the thrift shop of Boston then get some work done at a cafe. Found a cool pair of gorpy lands end shoes, a great small leather bag, and a cool plaid belt. Read for about an hour and a half (got through a lot of Graffiti) while Nick did practice problems. The cafe was called square root, and it was super expensive, but really cool and hipster. The one barista working there was so hyper and jolly, she loved talking with me. She invited Nick and I to come back tomorrow for karaoke, which we said we would do if distance weren't an issue. The menu was hand-written on the wall and they were out of almost everything/had special rules for when things like bagels or certain sandwiches could be ordered. The pizza was incredible, although I spent too much money on it. I just though Nick wouldn't want to stop by the grocery store on the way home, although I was wrong. I ate the whole pizza and Nick had a slice. We both got the bubble guts, although I think he got it more severely.
We chilled and watched some flight of the conchords, then biked to Charles' little kickback, which was informally for Meera's birthday. He invited this girl he went on a date with previously and was so freaked out at how chill the hangout was. More people came through though, like Eddie, Ted, Teddy, E, and obviously Meera. I got word of a party at Qad's from Teddy and E and biked over in the rain at like 11pm. This is where things really devolved. Ez, X, Piper, etc were there. A good squad I have missed. This girl Ellie was there, who I chopped it up with hella. I'm not gonna lie, we made out on the porch outside and were pretty much on each other all night. After pretty much everyone left, I fingered her on the porch and we went to the bathroom and fucked on the ground. I made her squirt, which was sick. We were so hammered. I kinda got whiskey dick, but I hope she mostly enjoyed it. Even just typing this out now is so gnarly. Worst part, I kinda know her ex. I wanna link up again and properly fuck her but also don't want word to spread around. She said he was low key abusive so I think that definitely gives me a pass. Anyways wild ass night, finally left at like 4am and got home around 4:30. Eamon was awake and completely tanked for some reason, so I chopped it up with him. I was gonna stay up til 5am so I could get some food from Dunks, but as the clock struck 5 I realized dunks opens at 6. Fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Finally slept well. I needed that. After such a dark day, wow. Thinking about it now, it's actually kinda good that Carrie was mad at me. I don't think all their anger was justified. I'm like, clearly losing my mind, so I feel like they could have been nicer and more unserstanding, especially since I immediately admitted that my thoughts were wrong and unjustified. They were intrusive thoughts! Maybe I should have had the manners to not say them, but anyways, now I know. I wronged them once again and they're mad at me and I am not romanticizing this image in my head anymore. It's so weird how the brain veers towards self-sabotage.
Woke up bright and early and only turned off one alarm, in order to take out the trash. After that, I drank my coffee and recorded a song on a desmos, fern, and me beat from the other night. Such a crazy beat, so ecological and weird. I want to make more like that. Forcing myself to create makes me feel a spark, even if the mix was horrible, honestly. I also recorded an open for Jupps, which can hopefully be on the Outside World tape, prod exp and apollo. It also sounded rough and thin. Maybe I was recording quieter than usual due to the time of day (9am), strep, and/or my confidence due to not having recorded in what feels like possibly more than two weeks.
Showered after lab meeting, killed a lot of time, went to the Friday seminar immediately when I got to the lab. About to leave now at 3:30 to go skate, then hoping to come back for the happy hour, although maybe not. Honestly, I could get away with leaving now and not coming back, but there's someone really cute who I met at the last happy hour who I kind of want to see at the one today.
I feel so energetic and happy today, I don't know why. Hoping it's not one of those "extreme highs." Maybe I've just had a lot of caffeine.
Updating at 1:35pm on 250331. I think you can probably tell that means I had a fried weekend. Little Friday skate sesh was fun. Teddy was there. Mikey and luca (so random) pulled up. I got a couple tricks in, still super rusty, and left to bike to Miguel's film screening. Meera was there, with Charles and Will showing up much later, with Will actually missing the film. It was a great film. Everyone involved was cool, although obviously not as cool as Miguel. Afterwards I just biked home and watched Flight of the Conchords with Nick. I was gonna bike to Teele sq and chill with Scott, but truly wasn't feeling it. I had biked so much that day and skated a little.
Woke up feeling awful in the throat. Went away almost immediately, actually. Those antibiotics really work. I popped mine for the day in the morning, although close in time to the last two I took. I'll do the morning for the next three.
So anxious all day at work today. Busy day too. Left relatively early and cleaned + disinfected the apartment like a mf.
My therapist was right: reaching out to Carrie was a bad idea. Immediately they were freaked out about my having strep. I told them the doctor told me everything should be fine as long as I clean everything in the apt and it's not contagious in the air. They said it reminded them of me not taking their illness seriously. I don't know why I brought up the thing with Jame. They immediately retaliated and were mad at me. I know Jame was with Gwen, I know they're lonely. I guess they're both trying to get sober and Carrie said they're seeing if they're a good influence on each other. I'm just jealous and insecure. I admit it though. Anyways, Carrie was extremely offended. They said they had a smile on their face the entire time they were biking over to me. How is it even possible for me to fuck up this badly. I will not be reaching out again for a very long time. I'm losing my mind. It probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to talk to Carrie again unless a long time has passed and I'm at least doing better. I don't even think I should send a text to apologize.
I need to read. I need to write. I need to skate. I need to make music.
Told the groupchat they had persmission to slap the shit out of me if I didn't make a song or beat tonight. Ended up just watching Home Movies. Cooked a little and fell asleep super early.
I don't feel good at all. I'm so close to folding and texting Carrie. If I feel the urge this strongly I should probably just do it. Idk. I just have this idea in my head that they're handling this so much better than I am, even if I have no evidence they are. And the fucking thing with Jame. I miss everything, even the things that irritated me.
At least I have a fucking doctor's appointment today. I need this throat thing to be gone.
I am in a vast amount of pain.
Folded and texted Carrie to ask how they're doing. They said good with a smiling emoji. They asked how I'm doing, to which I replied that I am not doing well at all. I asked if we could hang out, but wasn't sure why I was reaching out because we aren't together anymore. They said they could comer over tomorrow and that I'll always be important to them. I was injecting some embryos when my eyes started welling up. I quickly finished and rushed to the bathroom to cry. What a nightmare. I can't stop asking myself why I couldn't cry before now. Why are all my happy memories coming back now all of a sudden, too late. It felt a little better to get my emotions out. I feel like it's probably better that Carrie comes over rather than I just repress this, but I'm not sure. I still have the feeling they're handling this better than I am. What could they possibly be doing tonight that they can't come over until tomorrow? Now I'm anxious, even though it's none of my business. I think it's reasonable to be upset at Jame.
Positive for strep. Antibiotics. The Doctor was nice to me. She's worried about my blood pressure, so I need to get a monitor and I have an appointment at the end of April. Gonna ask Carrie for their monitor.
Got an apple from the convenience store.
I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm so insecure.
Went to Lulu's. Ate 12 wings. Drank 2 beers. Went home and downed 2 antibiotics before falling asleep. Woke up around 8, chopped it up with Nick for a little, and watched the rest of Mission Hill. Tried to find a movie but ended up watching Home Movies, the cartoon. So much funnier than I remember it being. Paula Poundstone as the voice of the mom was perfect. Couldn't fall asleep, drenched in sweat yet freezing. I tossed and turned all night. Throat burning. I need to force myself to read, watch movies, and make music.
Actually slept pretty well. Throat hurts but not too bad. Drinking my morning coffee wasn't too bad. I really need new shoes. I should get a pair or two of Lasportivas on ebay. Got to the lab early to prep for lab meeting. Biked. Started getting hot with a hoodie, jacket, beanie, and gloves towards the end of the ride but it was mostly pleasant. No message back from the Doctor yet.
After lab meeting, which went pretty well, I got a message back from the doctor and set up an appointment for tomorrow at 1pm. Fortunately, I'm not struggling too much today but I just want this to be over. my poor lymph nodes. The lab manager (E) and I did a walk through to make sure nothing stood out of place, as we have an inspection this Monday. I mentioned to her that I have a friend who'd be a good fit to take over my job (Ryan). She said she's already spoken to our PI (M), and they're thinking of making the job posting public this fall. That's earlier than I thought it would be, but if Ryan is graduating in December, then I'm gonna need to figure everything out a lot sooner than expected. Let's say he starts in January and we overlap for 4 months: I would move to NY in May or so. Ideally I would start this hypothetical new job May 2026, which I assumed originally I'd be doing closer to September 2026. I have 15 months to find this new job, but realistically I want to lock one in by September, I'm not sure this is possible. I at least want to figure out the feasibility of finding this new job by September, which is 5 months away. All in all, I need to put my nose to the grindstone a lot earlier than I thought. Gonna meet with M and others + establish my connections asap. This is gonna be a really stressful period, but I'm happy to have something hopeful to look forward to. However chaotic this might be, the idea of having a goal and an end result, and moving forward, up the corporate ladder, up in the world, and out of Boston is really exciting, and I need it now more than ever due to this depression.
Got home, chopped it up with Eamon and Eddie for a sec while I ate some blueberries and an apple, then cleaned/organized until people came over. Wasn't on the apps until like 6:30pm today, which is good. Honestly I was so out of it for this music making sesh. Next Tuesday it should just be only pg people, and maybe bonx. Desmos is so nice and he makes crazy shit but he is a little too much sometimes. I should have told him not to invite kashcot, even though he's a nice guy and good producer.
Jame posted a photo of Carrie and Gwen's mannequin Mr. Nation on their story. Not fucking cool. I could feel my heart sink into my stomach when I saw that. Night ruined. I will definitely have words for them tomorrow. They haven't said a word to me in the almost two months since Carrie and I broke up, then post that? Inconsiderate, impolite, and thoughtless.
Kicked everyone out because I was "tired" but in reality I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I swear Coffee tried to stop me from watching it. She clawed at my arm, walked on my keyboard, and even tried to hit the power button. Not making it up. It was a Cathartic watch, and a reminder not to romanticize. Joel and Clementine had a million fucking problems. It's better for them to remember each other, or they're doomed to experience everything over again. Which is fine, because the experience is still worth it. This relationship with Carrie was 'worth it.'
The first time I woke up was when coffee's food alarm went off around 1am. Then, I woke up again around 2am, back left of my throat closed up and stinging. I made some tea, gulped it down hunched-over at my desk, and tried to go back to sleep. For the rest of the night, I drifted in and out of sleep. I kept having nightmares/ illusions of groups of numerophile arists, probably thousands of different meeting scenarios, and nothing was rational at all. I remember how faces and body parts shifted in size, shape, color, just basically transforming entirely, almost psychadelically, as I tossed and turned. I call them illusions because I didn't do much sleeping. I remember waking up around 4:30 and taking advantage to swipe on hinge. At least I had something to keep my mind distracted. Finally got up around 7:30, made a coffee, ate a banana, brushed my teeth (spitting out blood, I assume from my aggravated throat), and walked to the bus. Read about 3 sections from Graffiti on the bus and got to work at around 9:30. Barely functioning. Ball of anxiety, unable to focus, eyes downcast.
I think the main cause of this was smoking so many cigarettes. I think I could even feel the rip that burned the back of my throat. It was because I was caught up talking to Lucy outside of Obrien's, which was great, but this consequence is horrible. Doesn't help, once again, that it's freezing. No drinking or smoking this week. Maybe I've developed an allergy to alcohol, which honestly wouldn't be bad thing. Maybe it'd even change my life for the better, finally. Throat/neck itself hurts to the touch, almost like my lymph nodes are swollen or something.
TBD later: make a spreadsheet of shows/venues/possible artists, and update list of things to do (taxes form, bills, etc).
On the verge of passing out. Have been since 1pm. Started reading The Surrealist Book of Games via online pdf becasue I had nothing else to do.
The Surrealists "invented techniques to exploit the unpredictable outcomes of chance and accident."
Cleaned up all the boxes left around my lab bench. It feels so much cleaner and more spacious.
For the last hour, I truly couldn't think of anything to do so I made this sheet to organize performers. Roy said he quit music :( which sucks, it would have been sick to have him.
Jetted home, EZ never got back to me, which is too bad, but also I definitely needed some alone time. Cooked some of the shawarma chicken from trader joes, blackened with just pepper, and ate half a bag of herb salad (also from TJs). Nick said I probably have tonsillitis, so I sent a message to my doctor through this online portal they have. If I don't get a message back in the morning I'll call. I should have just gone to the doctor's for this earlier. Did the taxes shit funally, now I just need to set up online bill pay (hopefully tomorrow).
Watched a couple episodes of Mission Hill and fell asleep. I really enjoy this cartoon.
Feeling so much guilt, shame, and anxiety today. I actually went on reddit yesterday to try to find someone willing to host me and the freaky girl to film some shit. Something about that makes me feel so much shame. I jerked off for some reason, which forced to get out of bed and shower. Almost wanted to kill my horniness so it didn't linger throughout the day. I was lying in bed like Brian Wilson did. Finally did laundry (as I write this) and updated this site (which is making me feel so much better, calmer, sober, and more clear-thinking). I've had this throat issue for the past two weeks where it feels super irritated. It's quite bothersome, and probably due to alcohol consumption. That makes me feel pretty shitty about myself. On top of that, all this drinking makes me feel pretty physically shitty too.
I've actually been thinking so much more about Carrie recently, and the highlights of our relationship. It's so fucking true that I compartmentalize and process things late. I don't know how I'm feeling more depressed as time goes on. I need to remind myself that things weren't good for a long time, no matter how good things felt in the past. That was so long ago, I don't know how I'm thinking about it now. I miss that Carrie, the romanticized version, not the sad, depressed, autistic, even moreso-disabled Carrie. I talked about this with my therapist on Monday and she sort-of wasn't having it. She doesn't think it's a very good idea for Carrie and I to force each other to be friends, which is probably right. I'll see them when I see them. And the idea of them handling this better than I am, even though I have no actual empirical evidence that that's the case, makes my stomach turn. I'm having fun, living my life, figuring out my problems, going through it, trying to be healthier, repeatedly failing myself, getting generally better in some ways. Life is different now. I think I'm starting to want to use sex as a coping mechanism less and I want the comfort of attachment. Oh well.
Finally cleaning out the fridge, which I have been putting off for way too long. Throwing out the genuinely stomach-turning food my dad had my mom drop off several days ago (always way too much) for Nowruz. Genuinely so relieved to have more space in the fridge. I felt like an asshole for letting it get to that point.
It's already 6:08, so I don't think I can make it to work and back in time for this show. Just gonna finish my laundry, organize the room a little, and maybe watch a little Sopranos or something. I kinda wanna watch Eternal Sunshine again, even though I know it'll make me sad. I could also read Graffiti possibly.
Kinda just ended up cleaning up and hanging out with Nick and Eamon, the former of which finally just returned from NY. Went to the Jim rat show. They were first and they killed it. Spoke with Lucy (Cooper B. Handy) for a long time outside, during most of the second set. He kinda inspired me to find a manager/booking agent who I trust. He recently rode a freight with his friends through Western MA. 45 minute drive turned into a 4 hour train ride lol. I asked him about the Hotep graffiti story and he confirmed it's true. Spykid put a throwie on the wall of the building, and as soon as they turned the corner hella Hoteps walked out with chains and shit. They roughed spykid up and broke his glasses. Fortunately they just brought out a paint bucket and made him go over the throwie. Crazy story. Chopped it up with everyone. Hector said he wants to collab. Hung out with Teddy and Ez. Taxidermists set was great. Pretty garagey (which I love) but not too much. Very catchy. Very professional musician. Emma said she wanted to hang out and trade books. Went home and now I'm writing this. Wanted to rewatch Eternal Sunshine but I think I'll just watch an episode of The Sopranos. Starting season 5. Need to be up pretty early tomorrow.
Woke up ridiculously late and did nothing for the first half of the day. Went to the art book fair at BU with Meera, George, and Odiase. Teddy, Kwame, Hector, and other people were also there. I called up Fern and told him to jet on over, which he did. The art book fair made me happy to be alive. I talked to so many people and spent way too much money on books. Some Massachusetts graffiti books, some bike messenger bag compilation books (a series of 2), a book compiling grammatically incorrect sentences in handbooks into poetry, etc. So much. I honestly wish I wrote about it immediately after because it was an information overload and I can't even begin to think about writing every interaction I had here.
Walked home. I don't know exactly why I walked instead of biking, but it was fun. There were so many darties (frat or not) on frat row. There was a girl crying lying on the ground surrounded by friends who looked like she was on the verge of passing out. So college. Some guys (who I assumed were in a frat) Let me bum two beers off of them. I wanted to check out the train yard through the fence in their back yard, but honestly shouldn't have. The fence was so overgrown it was basically opaque. I thought I saw some cool graff but I was forced to chug these beers with degenerate hockey players. They were nice but definitely ragged on me a little. Classic Charlestown style hostility and shit. Continued walking home and got ready for Ez's show in Somerville. Linked cart in Porter and we walked over. This spot The Glue Factory is pretty cool: we're gonna try to do a show there. Ez wants to help us book way more stuff, which is great. We're talking more about it on Monday. Their band fka "Hollow Earth" is now known as "Nowhere" apparently. They killed their set, apollo pulled up and we kicked it for a sec, then got out of there to go meet up with Charles, Meera, and Odiase at State Park. It was kinda crazy but this 60 year-old man had me call an ambulance for him. After that was all cleared out we went inside, drank a little, chopped it up, then Meera, Cart, Apollo, and me left after a few hours to go to Max's birthday party. Max's party was pretty fun. So many people were doing whippets and acting so dumb that it pissed Cart off lol. He wanted to leave so early but we stayed until like 2:30am. It was mostly pretty chill. Definitely degenerate. Fun to talk to new people. His girlfriend thought I was making fun of her at one point (which I wasn't), but she has a penchant for getting faded out of her mind, so it's all good. Kris was there and tried to do a tailwhip in the kitchen and ended up breaking a glass. He felt so bad but it was hilarious. Some girl there who does drag actually knows Cas and said she's banned from very many drag shows in the city for an accidental blackface mishap. I don't think it was that serious at all, but damn. Kinda crazy lol.
Lazy Friday morning. I'm being so lazy, I gotta lock in starting tomorrow. I'm gonna wake up early and get shit done. Gonna try to go to twin donuts at 6am because it'll be my last chance ever. Found a copy of 'A Book of Surrealist Games' online, which I'm hyped to read.
Intermission:
I am updating this on 250323 at 3:19pm. As of now, a change has been made. The name of this website has been changed from 'The web site of Wheadon Hailer' to 'The web site of Jorge Sacapuntos.' I am no longer comfortable with people, although I know it's a small crowd, reading this. I still plan on making it public eventually, possibly, but I keep finding myself wanting to emote more and be able to write about the things I'm thinking and doing. For example, in the past almost two months since breaking up with Carrie, I have had sex with 7 people. That's something that says something about me, and I want to document it and write about it, but I don't think I could be able to if I knew eyes other than mine were reading, even if infrequently. Kris told me he reads the site, but when I brought up the break up to him he had no idea what I was talking about. I don't know who is actually keeping up to date closely but I'd rather shut everyone out 100% at the moment. Going back to what I was just saying about having sex: it seems that I'm going through reactive hypersexuality, which is hypersexuality in response to stressors or triggers (the loss of the relationship). I think most of the causes can certainly apply to me. It makes sense I want to physically rebound after this breakup, but it's getting closer to sex addiction. As you know, I have an extremely addictive personality (I am an alcoholic, and while on the topic, the fact I went to an AA meeting 2 days in a row but was only able to not drink for ~36 hours is a very bad sign).
So this previous day (250320), how I spent my time in the evening is a lie. I met up with a girl from feeld (kinky app) at a bar closeby, drank 1 drink, hit it off, and went back to my place to have sex. She was a freak. Into anything and everything: Getting hit, degraded, spit on, pissed on, fisted. She gagged on my dick until she vomited. I felt kinda bad because she was super loud and, honestly, Eamon could have easily heard us. I don't think he'd be that bummed or bring anything up, but I don't know him well enough to know if he'd just throw on some headphones and ignore it or be really pissed. I was drunk and shoulda expressed more caution, which bums me out, and makes me feel guilt and shame for my impulsive hypersexual actions. Anyways, it was really good and I did enjoy it a lot. In hindsight, maybe not super mentally healthy, so Im hesitant to hit her up again, although I know she wants to. She wants to film it too. I'm not gonna lie, I am holding myself to a bit of a higher standard on the apps, as opposed to in the past (before most recent relationship), where I would swipe in favor of people who, honestly, I probably wouldn't be attracted to and/or compatible with in real life. That being said, the apps are making it a little too easy. Obviously I'm only looking for physicality, but if I'm not really attracted to someone, I should respect myself enough to realize that I'm just using sex as a defense mechanism, whether it's "good" or not.
Back to documenting the day:
I met up with Cas, one of the first people who I had sex with after the breakup. The first time we hung out, a few weeks ago, we got a drink at a bar and she drove us to her place, where we had sex. Pretty good. She sucked me for like almost an hour before I came, which is irrelevant, but she is great. Best part was that she drove me home after. She works at a pretty popping bar, so hopefully I can take advantage of that someday. Anyways, we texted a lot throughout the week and met up again the following weekend, but truth-be-told, I was kinda too horny and bummed her out. She thought I was just objectifying her. I thought the raunchy fling was mainly physical, although she is really fun to talk too. Fun fact, the day she told me she was bummed on me and thought I was misogynistic (terrifying accusation) was the day that Isaac's ex Mattie sent me a weird DM saying they loved me and that I'm one of their only close friends, and the day Carrie came to pick up their bike and I broke down crying when we were walking over the Allston bridge. Worst Saturday ever. Possibly worst day ever. Anyways, Cas and I called on Facetime the following day and worked things out. We had sparesly texted since then (I lied and said I was sick and couldn't make her drag show, then said I was sick again ~a week later as some kind of second illness due to a weakened immune system) and finally decided to meet up during the early-ish afternoon of Friday:
I biked from work to her apartment, we walked to Dunkin to get a coffee, then walked back and just talked for about two hours. It was good to have the excuse of going back to work after so the hangout had an end time. We yapped about art, music, politics, etc, and it was quite fun. She mentioned a gig she had in Portland, Maine, to which I mentioned that I had never been there, and she suggested we go together. Such a ganrly red flag. This is only our third time hanging out and she's suggesting we take a trip, even just for one day?! I don't think I can lead her on anymore. I thought that her polyamory was an indicator of seekimg casual, but I think i'm wrong. I just don't know the difference between polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, casual, fwb, etc. But Cas seems like she's definitely looking for something romantic. I'm just glad we're on good terms and I'm not getting cancelled. Nick was right: we never learn.
Left Cas's place, which was so much further than it seemed, and went home (all downhill, fortunately), then back to the lab to pick up my laptop. There was a happy hour going on, but it was already >6pm, so all the alcohol had been depleted. I said bye to everyone, picked up my laptop and went back home.
I was actually going to go on a date with this kinda strange girl from feeld at a bar 'near her place,' which pretty obviously means she'd be intending to go there after (unless she wasn't, which would be totally fine, but I'm not stupid). She cancelled last minute, and honestly I'm not upset about it at all. I think subconsciously I wanted to do some kind of 5-day fuck challenge (have sex with someone every day for 5 days, which is depraved and degenerate), but 3 days in a row was more than enough, and enough to show me how fried I have been recently.
Teddy and Rio were doing a show, which I would much rather go to. Waffle and Dorn were there, which was hilarious. Bonx, Kris, Kai, E, and some other pretty cool-seeming collegiates. I didn't feel too much like an old man at a college party, since there were several graduates or non-schoolers there, but it was incredibly fratty at some points. The guy running the venue, Ryan, was super worried about the floor caving in. It was on the second floor of an apartment building. Very unexpected. Ryan's actually a very chill skater who studies Neuroscience and could very well take over for me at the Fishman lab after I leave. We talked a little about it and he seems hyped. If it works out, it works out. He also said he's probably down to host a phage gang show in his apartment. It'd obviously need to be small, and I'd like to do something performance art-based, but exciting prospect nonetheless. Anyways, it was a great performance. Bonx actually told me something pretty astute: I should get a new vocal preset/effect rack. He also said he'd make me one. He kinda laid into me a little by saying 'Idk if you have adhd or something but you should refine your vocals more, and do multiple takes, or go back to them after a while and redo some.' I appreciate him keeping it real. Can't say it was easy to hear, but it was a reality check. I'm not gonna lie, I stayed at that party way too late, got way too fucking drunk, and I have no idea how I made it home. Bike swerving and everything, I could have died. Not to exagerrate, I don't think I was close to dying or really in danger, but how stupid of me. I fell into a fucking thornbush and got multiple painful thorns in my hands. Before leaving the show, as well, I hopped on grinder and sniffies outside of the apartment trying to find a quick lay. I was so drunk I could barely see my phone screen or comprehend what I was doing. I'm pretty sure I messaged someone on grindr (WHO NEVER RESPONDED TO MY PREVIOUS MESSAGE) "do me a favor and suck me off." When I saw that message the following morning I felt so much, guilt, shame, and anxiety. I deleted the conversation obviously, but wow. I am such an asshole.
Maybe it's because I fell asleep kinda early, but I woke up a million times last night and slept abysmally. Maybe I should get a more comfortable bed and a bedframe. No bedframe bit has run its course.
Another busy day at the lab. I stayed late yesterday so I'm 100% leaving early today, which I'm looking forward to.
Bumping more carissa's wierd..
And that's basically it, nothing crazy, read a little but of Graffiti, so at least I did that (although barely). I facetimed some homies who I hadn't caught up with in a while.
Busiest work day at the lab ever. Not gonna lie, feeling extreme depression this week.
Album of the day: Metaphysical Graffiti by The Dead Milkmen. Never listened in full but I love it. So nice and eggy. Not much else to say.
I listened to so much music today. Was mostly doing busywork so it was optimal. The theme from the cartoon Mission Hill reminded me of Cake's existence, so I listened through their first album, Fashion Nugget. Not even really that enjoyable I just love hipster shit that was big in the early years of my life. The new Tommy Fleece album audio stars 2 is incredible. I never really listened to that guy Holy Mountain's music, but I finally dove in (moreso waded shallowly) but I fw him. His song Anthony Green Eyes makes me feel some type of way. Listened to a lot of Carissa's wierd because I love torture. Embarassingly held back tears at All Apologies and Smiles, Yours Truly, Ugly Valentine. This is definitely cybernetically fueling my wallowing: feeling kinda sad --> torture myself by listening to sad music for catharsis --> get sadder --> repeat. Whatever though.
Met up with a girl from the apps etc etc hung out for a little, got home around 9:30, ate, watched the sopranos, and fell asleep really early. I haven't read much this week but I don't really have a lot of time. I hope this weekend I can reset and take care of chores like my taxes and paying bills/setting up online accounts, figuring out plans for future shows, etc. Moving a mile a minute while also being pretty down in the dumps and constantly tired because I'm sleeping like shit has been a challenge this week.
Another gloomy day. Really cold too. March is going by so fast. Turns out we probably can't even do this show on March 28th because Apollo's leaving town. So tired and overwhelmed, honestly. I really need to figure out how to pay my electric, gas, and internet bills. And do my taxes. I'm so bad at these general 'life' things but I'm sure I'll feel better or more confident after getting them done. It's like organizing/decluttering of the mind, which I certainly need urgently. Necessary Labor, like what Dostoevsky said, or something.
Took a lunch break to write some thoughts on Outside World.
Cooked and cleaned a little. Casper and his brother came through for a little. Truly wasn't feeling making music at all but it was nice to hang out. Put up Jonathan's pieces and told people via Instagram that they could come over and check them out sometime this week.
Kinda gnarly but randomly got hit up by this girl who I used to run in the same circle in hella years ago super late ......... went over to her apt. I wonder if anyone is still reading this but yea, I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable when I mention these kinda exploits. Definitely just stop reading if they do lol. But yeah I'm definitely in a revamped 'hoe era.' Not sure exactly what that says about me.... just trying to document with this site but if there are people reading it idk how much I want to detail. But yeah this has happened a few times where I haven't really documented the treeshing here. The apps etc make it kinda easy lol. I'm also ngl I never really did that much gay shit before this relationship, like be on any of the gay apps or anything, but truth be told it's literally almost easier to find someone to hook up with if you're gay than to jerk off lol. Anyways I got home at like 3am.
Woke up a little hungover, not gonna lie. Super out of it still as I write this around 3pm. Just tired and unmotivated. Had to stop by the lab around 10am for about an hour. Got a coffee and walked home after because it was nice out. I forgot to mention that Nick's friend is visiting. Chopped it up in a park with them for a little. Was planning on skating but I'm low key just gonna wait until tomorrow.
I should read Sadie Plant's "The Most Radical Gesture: The Situafionist lnternational in a Postmodem Age. It incorporates The Situationsists (Guy Debord), a discussion of Delzeuze and Guattari, and the CCRU (founded by Plant).
Laplanche and Pontalis describe abreaction as an 'emotional discharge whereby the subject liberates himself from the affect attached
to the memory of a traumatic event in such a way that this affect is not able to become (or to remain) pathogenic'
One day, while talking with a friend (Jose Bulnes) about an essay of his on Don Quixote de la Mancha, in which he analyzed Don Quixote's dilemma of whetler to follow the path of arms (praxis, action) or the path of letters (poiesis, creation, production), and his eventual choice of the path of praxis deferring any attempt at poiesis, I understood for the first time the power of the word 'poiesis' and invented the word that we needed: autopoiesis, This was a word without a history, a word that could directly mean what takes place in the dynamics of the autonomy proper to living systems. (xvii) - Maturana. Living Machines.... robosapiens?
An essential programmatic point for social ecology will be to encourage capitalist societies to make the transition from the mass-media era to a post-media age, in which the media will be reappropriated by a multitude of subject-groups capable of directing its resingularization. -Guattari. Pretty Debordian. Like the "common language" aka gatekeeping of poeisis made 'outside the spectacle.'
Storytelling . . does not aim to convey the pure essence of a thing, like information or a report. It sinks the thing into the life of the storyteller, in order to bring it out of him again. Thus traces of the storyteller cling to the story the way the handprints of the potter cling to the clay vessel. -Walter Benjamin
Finished The Three Ecologies. What a remarkable work. I share the sentiment conveyed in the conclusion: We need to band together but be different, and both more than ever. 'Subjectivity' 'brain-washes' us. It's the specactle at work. It always influences us. We need to get weird and perform exercises that break us out!
Wanted to get a bloody mary from Lulu's but it was packed thanks to one, or several, St Patrick's day bar crawls. Also walked by the sil, which was packed. Fortunately, the model was kinda dead, so I had two high lifes while reading a couple chapters of Sluto's book Graffiti On Low or No Dollars. I lent it to Jonathan last year, way before my new reading kick, and he kept it for super long. Now that I have it back I'm super excited to finish it. Compared to theory it's an incrdibly light read, so I plan on breezing through. Twee hipster tweaker travel stories. Makes me wanna live life to the fullest.
Did the dishes and started working on a quizzical beat with an avril melody. Sid, Logan, and Nick got home and we all chopped it up before hitting the sil. I think Sid was kinda bummed on me because I kept calling him Ed by accident, haha. Not that serious but damn, what a faux pas. The sil was pretty fun: Threw darts with a guy from Covenrty with a super thick accent, a white clone of me in a Neff beanie glazed my swag in front of who I assume was his girl, who I smoked a cigarette with to get out of a conversation with some someone who recognized me from a party for our mutual friend a few months ago. Got a pizza at Hobson's with Eamon after, which was ridiculous. That spot is nuts. Everyone there talked our ear off until 2am. Fun Ides of March.
Pi day. Didn't feel super special this year, but it's chill. It's kinda a gimmick. Still a fun day of celebration, though. There was a lab meeting, so I was able to go to wrok late. I didn't really do anything productive with my newfound time, but there was in important presentation today so I had to pay attention. Did the dishes, cleaned a little, etc. Left the lab pretty early and got home around 5 to start setting up for the art show. Jonathan's pieces didn't arrive in time, unfortunately. Those were probably the only pieces that were going to be on-theme, but it's ok. Maybe I can invite people to come them out after they arrive. Ohm came over a little early to record. Nick, Eamon, Eddie, Ted, Charles, etc all trickled in little by little. A lot of pg members and friends were in attendance, which was dope. It was actually notthesun's birthdasy at midnight, which was sick. He didn't stay until midnight but it was still great to see him, lol. Best person on the planet.
"the huge subjective void produced by the proliferating production of material and immaterial
goods is becoming ever more absurd and increasingly irreparable and threatens the consistency of both individual and group
existential Territories." Maybe this is kinda related to how the mentally unwell are the only ones who can separate from the group/Integrated World Capitalism. Eeverything/everyone else is absurd.
"Integrated World Capitalism (IWC), tends increasingly to
decentre its sites of power, moving away from structures
producing goods and services towards structures producing
signs, syntax and - in particular, through the control which it
exercises over the media, advertising, opinion polls, etc. -
subjectivity." Very Mark Fisher. The dispersion of power- everything being trapped in The Spectacle. The free market claims to be delocalized but it actually controls the socius it hegemonically.
Listened to the new Xiu Xiu album while working today. Some songs are good, but nothing will compare to the raw shittiness and disconnected garage-ness of their earlier stuff. I also listened to Atom and His Package for the first time, which was cool. Like a punnier, more hipster, synth-enfused dead milkmen. Oh god, the zionist song came on exactly as I wrote this.... so horrible holy shit.
Need to deeply clean the apartment for the art show tomorrow. Ended up just hanging out with Charles, Eamon, and Nick. I kinda thought Charles was gonna work on some art or even start hanging some but we kinda just did nothing. Finished that one beat I started with cg.
Felt kinda shitty today. In addition, two weird things came up that I can’t really disclose, but put me on edge. Grinded through the work day 9-5 tired as hell, went home, and chopped it up with nick a little. Stole 2 slices of pizza from whole foods for lunch, but still wet to lulu’s for a light dinner of only 6 wings for wing wednesday. I’m supposedly going on a date at the model later with a girl from the apps, but I think she’s ghosting me. Honestly, I’m not even in the mood so I wouldn’t be mad. I gotta clean and take care of things. I also haven’t cooked up yet today.
Ended up just starting one beat with a cg mel, then fell asleep relatively early. Was so tired.
Barely slept but mostly feeling fine. I remember waking up in the middle of the night feeling like shit and thinking "oh god i can't do this today," thinking it was probably around 5, but it was only 1am lol. What a good feeling. Woke up at 6am and minimized lollygagging. Need to be in at 8 to prep for today's lab meeting. The terrorist is keeping me company while I drink my coffee. Reading more from The Three Ecologies. Great way to start the day. At page 34/69. Maybe I should just finish it after I get out of work today.
"Generally, introjection is the process by which the external world is incorporated into an individual's psyche." -from notes section in The Three Ecologies.
"Language is made not to be believed but to be obeyed, and to compel obedience" -from A Thousand Plateaus. Very Debordian, reminds me of 'spectacular language' as opposed to 'common language,' which would be a detourment.
Kinda chilly bike ride to work but I bundled up. Was fine. Got to the lab around 7:45.
Guattari: "it appears crucial to me that we rid ourselves of all scientistic references and metaphors in order to forge new paradigms that are instead ethico-aesthetic in inspiration. Besides, are not the best cartographies of the psyche, or, if you like, the best psychoanalyses, those of Goethe, Proust, Joyce, Artaud and Beckett, rather than Freud, Jung and Lacan? In fact, it is the literary component in the worlds of the latter that best survives (for example, Freud's The Interpretation of Dreams.." I feel like this is a good approach to adopt. The phage story was never scientistic, but moreso metaphorical. The story is a cartography of the psyche, social interaction, and ecology (the biome). And it's good that we're in the dark and don't fully know where we're headed.
Combating the death of ideology.
Since I came into work super early, I left at 3. I read some of The Three Ecologies outside at the Cambridge Public Library, sitting against a tree. I’m so glad it’s starting to be nicer out.
Got home and cooked a trader joes flank steak. Had a big bowl of arugula to go along with it and a bowl of blueberries after. Worked on the 'i like trains' song immediately after. Low key, writing with a specific theme and semi-narrative is a lot harder than just punching in (which i usually do). Cg sent some feedback and I think a few more sessions chipping away at this song will turn it into a banger. I somehow finally ********* ableton live 12. I’m shocked. If anyone reading this wants more details, you can hit me up in a text or other private message. Finally putting the PC I bought over a year ago to use for its original intention. Now I just hope fern let’s me use his vocal patch. The plugg song and biome song he, ohm, and I made using his patch sound so cool and quizzical. Ohm and apollo came over. I mostly just engineered ohm while he hopped on an exp beat and an exp open (which I also hopped on) for the Outside World pg x b&u collab tape. Apollo worked on a new beat on my pc with only ableton 12 live stock plugins. We (by which I mean I) honestly got way too drunk for a Tuesday. Went to sleep around 2am.
The terrorist woke me up around right before 7 because her food alarm goes off 1 hour later due to daylight savings. Last night she sneezed or something and it got in my eye, which was gross. I love her tho. There's a meme going around that's this guy in a car, but also other versions where it's an ai amongus character or something, saying 'im a matcha guy now. u coffee guys r too crazy. i like matcha it's cooler it's smoother.' So funny. Need to edit a pic of coffee to be green and say something like "I'm a matcha guy now."
Chemist Carl Djerassi turned to writing novels and plays which he calls "science-in-fiction." I think this accurately describes the Phage Story. "The best artists don't repeat themselves, they start over and over again from scratch, uncertain with each new attempt precisely where their next experiment will take them..." That's what I like, treating it like an experiment (as well as an exercise, quiz, or game).
Finished the intro to The Three Ecologies. Started reading the main text while my hair was drying. Feeling spectacularly anti-spectacle today.
Chiller at work. Really nice out. Was able to read too, because the PDF is just on my laptop.
'The organism which destroys its environment destroys itself' -Gregory Bateson. 'Ecology, in the widest sense, turns out to be the study of the interaction and survival of ideas and programs' -from Notes section in The Three Ecologies. The reason I'm writing so many notes on this site is because I do not have a physical copy of the book.
Phages/Viruses/Bacteria Like Us
Posted the theme breakdown for Friday's DIY art show and invited as many artists as possible to show art. Sent vocal stems for the songs I made yesterday so they can get a fucked up mix. 4url already sent a demo and it sounds pretty interesting. Maybe the autotune is slightly off but he'll fix it when he has a chance to mix it better. Edited my video with rxcket, which is finally nearing completion. He said it's valid so I'm hyped. Definitely kinda minimal but I like the feverish green color direction I'm going in. Matches the backroom-esque setting well.
The Body Without Organs - a concept taken from Artaud's unbroadcast 1947 radio play Pour enfnir avec Ie jugement ile dieu. I guess the idea is that organs and homeostasis limit the human body and ∴ an organizationally unlimited body is the ideal philosophical man. Artaud wrote, referring to this ideal philosophical subject, "When you will have made him a body without organs, then you will have delivered him from all his automatic reactions and restored him to his true freedom." This is from wikipedia, so there is a lot more work to do to understand this concept fully, but I think I can finally at least grasp the tip of the iceberg, which I was not able to do until now.
This is the online copy of The Three Ecologies I'm reading, by the way. Good notes it seems.
(Also from wikipedia): To become a body without organs, one must dispose of stratification (the classification of constituent parts into groups), and instead give way to what Deleuze and Guattari described as an immanent "becoming" of pure intensity. (My words): I guess this relates to the idea of schizophrenics and other mentally unhealthy people being the only ones in society who can truly break from the group. To be a 'free' body without organs, one must break away from grouping?
Called Tebi to discuss details of upcoming shows:
Things for brooklyn show: person working door/security (taken care of), skate comp, sell alcohol, person working merch table. Check in on dates with everyone.
For middle east show with quinn: worst case scenario, quinn wants 1k and venue wants 1k, we sell $20 tickets. We just need about 100 people (cap 194) to show up and we can break even. I think it's possible.
Biome: are we a part of the earth or just on top of it? Is it an organism, like us?
From translator's introduction in the three ecologies: "ln The Three Ecologies Guattari objects that we have challenged the Earth enough and are now on the brink of ecocide."
Read for a while but haven't made it past the intro. Really enjoying it so far. Jonathan and I talked about making the pi day event Friday an art show with the theme of "Irrational Numerology". I made this document to illustrate the theme. I think this is a good plan because it elevates whatever function we were trying to throw into something different. I spoke with Jonathan for a while and we both decided that if we've been talking about expanding and doing things like this, there's no better time than the present.
Went to work briefly to inoculate some bacterial colonies. Watched Flight of the Cochords with Nick for a while. I love those 2 nerds. Recorded 3 new songs: one on a fabii x lynxw glo kinda beat, one on a really weird somaiki beat, and the last one on an avril x 4url beat. Really churned them out. I was happy with the lyricism but I want to change my mix/preset. Hopefully they can mix the tunes for me. I went to sleep around 2am, which was dumb, but whatever.
Slept in, lazed around, did laundry, and got ready for this midday date I had with this real literary nerd girl from Hinge at 12. Nick was actually talking to her first, which was a source of amusement for us these past few days. Long story short it was a pretty horrible date. I could write a paragraph on it but I won't. All I'll say is that sometimes you meet someone so boring and insecure that it makes you happy to be yourself.
Finished Society of the Spectacle. Was really forcing the last couple chapters but I got the gist. I need to read something else urgently.
Cian, ohm, apollo, and poetry came thru. Made some beats with Cian and ohm was originally trying to record but ended up shooting footage for an mv he's working on. Regular night. Oh, and I started a beat with apollo. I was really getting the hang of fl studio, so I gotta download it asap.
Woke up early, took out the trash, and read the short seventh chapter of Society of the Spectacle. Recorded a short verse on an exp beat for the outside world pg x b&u collab tape. Re-mixed that ohm song 'standstill shark' that we recorded earlier this week.
Went to work. Mostly bullshitted ngl. Got a coffee from this girl I've been seeing who works at a coffee shop in Harvard Square. Left early because I'm planning on coming in Sunday.
Was gonna go to Teele Square and hang out with Teddy and Scott, but Nick didn't want to drive so we stayed in and watched season one of Flight of The Concords. Was a very chill night.
This research assistant wanted to shadow me this morning, so I had to come in early. She was late though.... which was ridiculously annoying. Pretty rough start to the day. Made a phage gang outer circle groupchat on instagram. Long overdue. I'm going to make a discord server later tonight and send the link there, so it's just in one place. Also, gonna try to set up the pc and download abelton/fl. This is a really important task that will get the ball rolling on things. I also want to read more of The Society of the Spectacle. I'm so close to finishing. At least it's warm out.
Made pg broad community discord server. Was planning on grinding on music/downloading programs when I got home but I was so fucking tired. Just grocery shopped and chilled, then fell asleep really early.
Another successful day at work. Got lunch with Charles at Halal Guys. It was my first time eating there and it was kinda heavy. I prefer Cava, sorry. Either way, it was goot to see a friend in the middle of the day. Went home and helped Eamon finally move in. Ted and Eddie came over, and we all got frozen pizzas from star market and kicked it.
Woke up in Davis. This girl works near the lab so we were gonna take the train tg but I was super awake early in the morning and decided I should just trek to the lab and get what I had to do over with. Plus I was on a time crunch because my mom wanted to meet up and have breakfast. I went to Diesel Cafe in Davis because it was the only thing open on the way besides Starfucks, and it was actually great. Really good coffee and it seems like a cool spot. Must explore at a later date.
Went home on the bus quickly (atp it was still only ~8:30am) to move some more stuff because I was convinced that Eamon was moving in on this day. Got veggie galaxy with my mom. Simple-ass 2-egg breakfast with hash browns and toast, but I got their bloody mary, which was quite good. It wasn't as good as Lulu's, but I could tell it wasn't made from a mix. They put a pickled green bean on top of it, which is ugly, but novel. Tasted pretty good.
Watched hella sopranos. Made a great pizza for dinner. Ingredients:
Whole Pizza:
1/2:
other 1/2:
Although honestly pretty hungover, I woke up early enough to go to the lab (yes, although it was a Saturday, I had to come in. I'm not sure if I have disclosed why I need to come in on weekends sometimes). It was hella late when Isaac and I got home, so they slept on the couch and the two of us kicked it with Nick for a second in the morning. On this morning I found out the 2-headed zebrafish embryo I found discovered at 4 days post-fertilization. After going to the lab, I wanted to skate, but ended up just taking care of some much needed cleaning and errands. A little later I went on a date with a girl from the apps. She was cool and we had a good time. Slept over.
Went to work. It's honestly been great. So many experimets that we have waited months to see the results of have turned out to work. I'm in good standing as of right now. Skated for the first time in maybe 2.5-3 months. Ankle felt fine but I was so shaky. I'm still able to touch my toes and stretch efficiently, which is good. Went to the sil with Meera, Odiase, and Nick. They all dipped but Isaac pulled up and we went to this college-ass party around the corner. Front porch heads (Larry, Karl, etc) were there, but also Alexei and Ivan, who I hadn't seen in OVER a year. The last time I saw them was fr one of the worst nights of my life. No need to get into it though.
Went to work. Locked in after with apollo, fern, ohm, n avril. Made a song on a plugg beat with fern n ohm prod fern n me. Made a really cool song that could go on the next pg album with fern n ohm on an avril x apollo beat. Somewhere in these past few days I made a dent in the society of the spectacle.
Today was a regular day at work, except I left early and moved all my stuff into the other room. I thought Eamon was gonna move in on this day, so I needed the daytime motivation to get things done. I'm so glad I finally did it. ONE thing checked off the to-do list. It's cozy, but not too overwhelming when organzied. Not to mention it was wing wednesday.
It's almost 40 degrees F out and the snow is melting. My bike ride to work was pleasant. We have a lab meeting so I'm here before it's even 8am. Feels so good to wake up early and not be freezing. I love being the only person at the lab.
No idea why but for some reason I am on the verge of falling asleep. Gonna leave early because I need to come in this weekend. Was gonna cook with pg heads later but I think I'm gonna try to start moving my stuff into the other room. The couch, mainly, which is going to be nearly impossible. Nick can help lol.
I apolagize immensely. This may be my biggest gap in writing since starting this site. I'm writing this on the night of 3/4/25, which makes this a 1-week gap. Queue 'one week' by barenaked ladies. Truthfully, life has been moving fast, and it doesn't feel like it's been a week, but my anxiety has been through the roof, which may have something to do with it. I'll try my best to recount what I've been up to.
I can't remember at all what I did after work on this day.
Regular work day. Bullshitting a little.
Song of the day: Pathetic by Blink 182
Went to this thrift store called 'We Thieves' in Porter on my lunch break with Meera and Charles. It wasn't that sick but the owner + other employee were incredibly nice and talkative. Meera hadn't been there but it seems that Charles is tight with the owners. It was honestly pretty wholesome to see him interact with this kinda older woman. Seeing my friends made me realize how I'm kind of lonely at the moment. I went from never being able to respond to all my texts and responding weeks late to never missing anything on my phone. It makes me nervous. But regardless, I'm so happy Charles hit me up to say they were going because I truly needed it. Went to Mortadella Head for lunch after and they have a new buy 1 get 1 free meatball sub deal on Mondays :) Meatball Monday. I forgot to mention I biked. I was a little tired but not at all congested. The weather being above 35 degrees F and spending a little time riding in the sun truly made me feel so much better. I'm so excited for it to get warmer. I definitely want to skate this weekend. Worked on a little pg graphic and started the 3/14 function proposal in my free time at my desk.
Went home at around 5:30. Didn't do much for the first few hours after I got home, but Nick and Eamon both finally finished their sublease applications and I sent them to the landlord. Watched a little Sopranos and read chapter 5 of Society of the Spectacle. It discusses time and how the ruling class essentially "spectacularizes" how we spend our time; how time is always cyclical for the proletariat and maybe even bourgeoisie, but the true ruling class has linear time. Society changes for them but not for us.
I love coffee so fucking much. I don't know what I would do without her, even though she's terrorizing me as I write this. A message from her, typed on my keyboard: "4n4csdkjncjknsdknce3". She's been so affectionate lately. She's the love of my life. Such a cutie.
Finally started working on the 'I Like Trains' song. Finished a beat Cart and I started with an Apollo mel and sent it out. Chopped it up with Nick (we are in similar situations that I don't really think I should disclose). Watched a lil Sopranos and knocked.
It should be clear that the Quizzicalists are anti-ideologization. Anti-ideologization is our only ideology. We refuse a closening of what we can think. We want to break from the spectacle! Even relying too heavily on Debord is ideologization in itself. While being careful not to be syncrotstic, we don't want to box ourselves into one framework.
What someone wrote online in response to Marx's 'I am not a Marxist' quote:
Marx made this comment because he saw his followers, some at least, as solidifying his ideas and arguments into a set, finished body of doctrine. No matter how dogmatic he could be, Marx was an inquirer, or saw himself as such, who had obtained crucial insights into the nature of capitalism and the direction of history but who never supposed that his work was a finished job. He never got past the first volume of Capital, meant to be a multi-volumed work. Marx's ideas and arguments were, as far as he was concerned, work in progress even of he had achieved (to his own mind) significant progress.
Wrote out all the things I need to get done, which was great. I woke up late but finished reading all of the really long chapter of Society of the Spectacle by the afternoon. This chapter lost me a little but not completely. I decided to let it was over me and I could re-read it some day. Went to watch Nick and Ted film this pole jam trick near the apt which was sick. I really should skate this weekend. I think the Smith court will be dry, hopefully.
Stopped by the lab quickly. Did the dishes + laundry. Felt good to cross things off my checklist. Not completely ideal time frame but better than nothing. I feel prettty gaunt, but not that I'm crashing out as much as I was yesterday. Need to work on that pi day show proposal tomorrow. Watched some Sopranos and fell asleep around 1am. Weird arc in the 2nd season.
Kinda just watched a lil sopranos and woke up little by little. Made lunch around noon. Updating this while drinking my second coffee. Listened to Fern and Lushsoma's new tape "Who Are You Really?" This is some insane work. I'm so proud of fern and he keeps leveling up. I didn't expect, although I should have, that he would be at the level he's at. Working with fucking Devi McCallion. The features I don't recognize are pretty cool too. Delphi has a really weird voice. No oak grove today, but hopefully we'll lock later.
Today I really wanna work on the 'I Like Trains' song before fern links up, but also edit my mv with rxckett, which I should drop soon.
Due to unforseen circumstances my day took an insane turn and I did nothing.
Had to wait for the bus for ~15 minutes (I cannot wait to bike every day again once it gets just a little warmer) so I finally cracked back into Society of the Spectacle. Jonathan's right: Theory can be a pain to read. I need to force myself to focus on it for a long period of time and get into a flow state. I think tomorrow morning will be great for this. After reading for about 30 minutes on my commute I feel more balanced, mindful, and overall just "in the middle." I hate experiencing such extreme highs and lows.
Listened to the new Cleo Wakls Through Glass ep, which was incredible. I love the weird direction he's going in. The new FRIENDS ep is really sleak as well. Just pretty classic bangin' melodic tunes. The Tommy Fleece song ft The Dallas Cowboys is good as well. Definitely strange to hear Aidan and Evan (I'm 90% sure that's his name, I always forget) with such heavy effects on their vocals, but it sounds great. I had never heard of Tommy Fleece before but his song "Semester in Japan" autoplayed after the aforementioned tune and it bangs. I think I'm a new fan. I don't really know why I fell out of this genre. I listened to the new spidar tape yesterday, as well, and it's really good. It's not quite horrific, but pretty dark and definitely utilizes strange sounds and drum patterns. Like darkquiz or horrorquiz or something. I can't wait to work with him and hopefully do a show in Daygo.
A random quote from someone who wrote a Delleuze biography that stuck with me: 'a strict biography doesn't tell us about life.' I think it means that just linearly recounting the events of someone's life is a little too limiting when trying to grasp the scope and impact of everything they've ever done. It's funny how Deleuze actually hated conferences and didn't want people to rely on his work too much. He didn't want to box people in, which is so modest and honest. It's such rgeat advcie to tell people now to borrow, but to employ a similar mode of research. That's why I appreciate certain artists: I don't wanna replicate what they've done. I want to do things the way they did- to find what makes myself different in the same way they do/did.
I think I'm going to go into the lab on Sunday for a while, so I kinda think I'll be able to leave early. I wanna utilize as much daylight as possible to have motivation to organize the apartment.
I forgot to write this, but Quyhn recommended that I read Guattari's 'The Three Ecologies' after Society of the Spectacle. I'm so burnt out on theory, but it's only 69 pages. It also doesn't look quite as dense as Society of the Spectacle. In general, it's difficult to read on the go without looking things up or having a pen to write margin notes. I think the three ecologies could be a useful text, however, especially while working on "biome," so I should read it as soon as possible. I think I'll just read it online, and perhaps tomorrow if I can manage to get through Society of the Spectacle.
Cleaned and organized the apt a little before going to Lauren's art show at BU. Kicked it with fern there for a sec. The art was super cool and honestly much better than a lot of college stuff. Was fun to chop it up for a little even though I was a million years older than almost everyone else there.
Went out for a drink at the model with this girl from the apps and got home late.
Ok I actually really urgently need to buy a bed after I get paid on Friday. This sucks. When I get home I will do these things in the following order:
It's a regular day at work. Got a lil bit of a pep in my step after my therapy appointment.
I did cook and do the dishes, but did not make music or read. Slight improvement on not being able to do anything lol. The Sopranos is a good show. As a guy who feels mostly pretty in-touch with his emotions, the whole trope of a macho man repressing his thoughts and feelings can be a little boring to me. Either way, it's an incredibly enjoyable show.
Woke up pretty happy. It's a nice change to have a little pep in my step. Slept pretty well. Coffee only terrorized me in the morning. I'm.. excited for wing wednesday later.
Got wings at Lulu's then went home. Chopped it up with Nick for a long time, actually. Didn't really do anything. I'm reaching the point where I need to force myself out of this rut.
Slept so horribly. Coffee terrorized me all night and in general I had trouble sleeping. I need a bed so badly. Regular day at work.
I have like no thoughts in my head. I need to reset.
Left work, went home, then did something I can't disclose on this site! Chill day.
Coffee terrorized me all night lol but it's ok cuz she's the best. Woke up quite early and got a coffee out to change things up. It was so cold so I chose a bad day. Made lunch and started watching the sopranos. I'm really hyped for Harto's new sopranos-themed tape. I gotta reach out to his manager soon. Fern pulled up to the biome solo so we're currently going ape on music.
Thinking about what I mean by 'modern ecology'- really postmodern ecology: everything we do is in this biome of late stage capitalism. In our own biome, fern and i recorded sounds from inside the house and on the porch to create a drumkit from the cacophonous percussion. iPhone: do what you can with what you have. This is akin to a game the surrealists would have played to get the ball rolling.
Fern and I made the intraception drum kit and ~2 half-beats. After he left my head was kinda hurting so all I had energy for was watching The Sopranos. It's already so good 4 episodes in.
Enter the Biome:
An organism in its microcosm can fully flesh out its environment, ergo, it's idiom. I invite you on 250217 to enter the biome, bringing in all of your recent experiences and leaving the outside world to commune with the most essential artworks and rework them into a new, quizzical sound. I seek to expand past the language that we've been told we can use, the sounds we can create, and the structures we can follow. I propose that we operate on an exquisite corpse method: starting with one subject (a single lyric, a single melody, a single drum) then passing turns to each other in a game where we all contribute to the narrative. Communing with quizzicalism in our biome. This is not a test, it's a quiz. There's no definitive origin of the word quiz, but in 1856 it was reported that Richard Daly, the manager of a Dublin play-house wagered that he would make a word of no meaning to be the common talk of the city in twenty-four hours; in the course of that time the letters q, u, i, z, were chalked or pasted on the walls of Dublin, with such an effect that the wager was won. This is the role of the phage: in an odd or strange manner, even unintentionally, planting a virus that spreads through the minds of a population. To a fool, this is a joke, but to a wise man this is serious. Our quizzicalist grammmoir will supplement our sound translationally. The more games that are played the greater our retrieval. Tune into KWIZ radio. This is fragmented cryptography. The spectacle, in attempting to constrain us, has angered us to the point of an experimental breakout.
Finally got off my ass and cleaned the apartment today. Feels sm better now that it's a lil more organized. Didn't read but I'm hyped to tomnorrow. IF and went to work. Carter came through to chill and work on some tunes. We worked on one beat using an apollo melody and made one song on a somaiki beat. Hopfully it can be used on katebi's new meeko dj page.
Happy national world torture day. Regular day at work. Went home and did nothing. IF tho.
Actually I did go to this person Quyhn's panel at Harvard for an east asian studies conference. The theme of the conference was queering ecology. Quyhn's work particularly revolved around Beastars and how it breaks boundaries in anime. They called this character archetype a 'schizophrenic animal' after Deleuze and Guattari's definition of schizophrenia. I hadn't really thought about how antghropomorphizing animals is so connected to queerness because it entails a metamorphosis. Quyhn recommended that I read Guattari's Three Ecologies after Society of the Spectacle.
Slept okay for the couch. I need to get a bed. There are a lot of things I need to do, actually. I need to get a bed, go to the doctor for the first time in 6 years, set up electric and gas for the apartment since Carrie took care of it all, Clean the entire apartment, move all my stuff from the stu to the other room, and get the sublease application from Eamon and Nick. This is so complicated.
Regular day at work. I felt shitty so I ate lunch around noon yesterday. I'm trying not to do that today but it's always hard to go back to IF after abandoning it, even just for a day. An experiment that I've been working on worked, so I'm actually pretty hyped on work. Very glad I went 24 hours without drinking and feel alert and normal today.
Finished Being John Malkovich. Such a good movie. I read essays on it and nothing truly seemed to hit the nail on the head.
Woke up with some regret today. I can tell that I'm coping with this breakup by drinking in excess. I'm 100% an alcaholic and it doesn't affect my life that much, but being confronted pretty obviouisly with using drinking as a crutch to not think about how I tragically lost Carrie is extremely depressing. I did not drink as much in New York because I was distracted by getting things done.
Regular day at work. Felt completely awful though. Nick scooped me to go pick up a new internet router in Arlington. Ended up leaving work super late. Decided to go to an AA meeting in Brookline. I definitely needed some objective strangers to put my thoughts into relatable words instead of just struggling internally. I don't even want to actually fully quit drinking. I just want to feel guilty for drinking at times that don't make sense (and quit the behavior). Some of the speakers were so gnarly that it really affected me. This guy talked to me after and was really encouraging that I should keep going to meetings. I'm pretty down and think I will. There's supposedly an LGBTQ+-oriented meeting tomorrow, so I'll probably go after work. The religious stuff is definitely not my thing, so I'm kinda trying to avoid that.
Got home late so all I really did was cook dinner, but it's a lot better than getting tanked.
Pretty horrenodus day at work. Lab meeting went super well, but I felt like shit all day. Decided on going to karaoke at Charlie's later with Nick and Maia. Got home and immediately started drinking. Dropped off Carrie's blender with them and chopped it up with Cam at the sil. We both broke up with someone we were living with so I thought we'd be able to relate to each others' situations. We were and it was great to catch up with her. We should definitely chill more. Got home and went to Charlie's. Got extremely tanked. Barely remember getting home.
Got two eggs from South Street diner to kill 30 minutes before the trains started running. Not IF but I feel like shit from this past weekend so I'm giving myself a pass. Took the red line to the green and walked from harvard ave. I was so hyped to see coffee. Got home around 6am and played with her for a little. It was weird how the apartment was so bare. Turns out Carrie got rid of this big bag of stuffed animals which I said I'd keep. Really depressing honestly. I got them a lot of the ones in that bag. It's weird how empty the room is. I almost don't want to move into it but know I need to. Napped with coffee for about an hour and got up around 7:45. She completely curled up with me on the couch. It was super cute.
Went to work and it was business as usual. Not gonna lie, it's 2:30pm now and I feel completely awful. Actually I feel slightly better because I just ate a sandwich, but my body feels so worn down. Can't wait to go home and sleep.
Sorry for breaking continuity, but I'm updating on 250213 while drinking a coffee at work. I gotta force myself to update this every day at multiple intervals because my life is truly chaotic and ungrounded without it. On this day I did absolutely nothing after work. I cooked dinner but that was it. At the end of the night I started rewatching Being John Malkovich (which I really appreciated more this time around), but fell asleep while watching it.
Forced myself to wake up late, so around 10:30am. Got a coffee with Jonathan and just chilled in his apartment by myself for about 2 hours while he was at work. I was going to read but wasn't quite feeling up to it. I worked on the phage dots and boxes animation and vc'd with the 3x guys for a little. I got all my stuff together and went to Jonathan's bar around 3pm. Had a few brews, smoked a cigarette, and went to LES. Superbowl was lit. Not much to say about it. It was cool to see everyone. Had a drink with Ethan and Toni before going to the bus. Completely knocked as soon as the bus took off and woke up when the lights turned on and we were in South Station at 4:30am.
Woke up, had a coffee, started reading a little but decided I should update this instead. Hoping to finish the dots and boxes game with Jonathan and write some more, then link the Beauty and Unity heads, then link everyone at Tebi's before the lebxanon set.
This person Zoe who I assume Malcolm is seeing was in the apartment and I talked a little with the two of them about the Quizzicalist manifesto. Zoe recommended I check out the book of surrealist games, consider how in A Clockwork orange the Droogs had their own language that starts to make sense over time, and that postmodern literature should be fragmented (according to Deleuze and Guattari), so the manifesto should be able to be started anywhere, rearranged, etc. I like the idea of incorporating a story that completely trails off from the previous prose.
Did too much, I gotta update later not gonna lie. But it was a lot of fun.
Finally updating 250210. Jonathan and I finished our big dots and boxes game. I technically won but that wasn't the point. We went to some really cool galleries in chinatown, the most notable being King's Leap. We spoke with the owner/director (? idk the terminology), who actually is super into the idea of play and games. It was a crazy coincidence and I learned a lot from what he was saying. The show name is exquisite corpse, which is honestly completely crazy because I found out what that word meant a few hours earlier. I love the idea and want to make the quizzical tape with avril only exquisite corpse lyrics. We already do it sometimes when a laptop is passed back and forth for production. I think this is the best way to commune with your peers and make something unique. I also want everyone to lock themselves in Oak Grove for a weekend. Perhaps from a Friday evening to Sunday evening. I think it could be a cool experiment. Anyways, look up King's Leap gallery in chinatown. Pysical art rules.
Jonathan and I played a lot of Nim on the train using matches. It's a math strategy game where players take turns removing any number of matches from an individual row of 1, 3, 5, and 7 matches. The end goal is for your opponent to be left with the last match. We were an even match but Pinch eventually started kicking my ass every time. Later, after I ate some dumplings and soup, I was thinking straighter and started winning again. It was fun to play using the soup lid. Later we discovered a tride and true strategy for how to win, which kinda ruined it. We had fun for a while before searching it up on Youtube though. We also watched a little Portlandia before stepping out to Birdies (where Juliette bartends) for a drink. At this point it was snowing super hard and it the snow was accumulating. We rode between train cars to smoke a cigarette. It was kinda frightening but deifnitely exhilirating.
After two drinks at Birdies I ubered to the Lebxanon show. The show was sick, honestly. I'm glad I got to see him perform. After chopping it up with Tebi Pollo and Bonx for a while we walked to a really bougie bar and left after 1 drink. We started shooting a video while walking to bar #2. After bar #2 and a few games of Nim + quizzical convo, I convinced them to all come with me to the B&U apartment. We were so late but ended up chilling for hella long and filming a video for Jupps and I's unreleased song. It was so good to see those guys. The video's gonna be sick. I'm gonna remember filming that video so happily but it's really a sad song. Some parts are about my relationship and now that it failed it kinda hurts to listen to. Either way, great link and great song. Got back to Jonathan's around 4:30am.
Woke up much earlier than Jonathan, obviously, and started reading more of The Society of the Spectacle. I made a coffee with Malcolm's beans but it was super bitter. Jonathan and I ordered hats for the PHAGE patch collab. I'm excited we actually made the order because it is actualizing that this will happen. My goal would be to send some of the restock to sidewalk if they all sell out.
A couple developments to the quizzical manifesto: order stamps for the phage symbol stamp logo. Trying to make a unicode phage chatacter. I don't even know how to go about that. Need to ask fern.
Jonathan and I went down a rabbit hole of playing dots and boxes, a mathematical grid-strategy game. I can't believe I hadn't heard of it before, but doing all this research has been incredibly fun because I am learning so much. These are topics that I love, and, in a Debordian view, am able to enjoy because I have taken a detourment from the spectacle. This is what Quizzicalism is all about. After going over a couple strategy scenarios, we started a huge game in the shape of a phage. After an hour we still hadn't created any boxes, but were getting close. Juliette stopped by, and I'm not gonna lie, I spoke with her and Jonathan about the breakup for a super long time. It is so much better to just be the 'breakup guy' for a little and let your friends help you talk about shit. It's not like it's gonna last forever but I'm glad my friends are being super supportive although I can imagine it's not their #1 favorite topic of all time. Juliette left, and the sun was setting, so photos of our phage dots and boxes game would become inconsistent. We decided to get linguine, hot italian sausage, and tomato sauce for pasta all'assassina. It turned out incredibly good. The idea of putting chili flakes directly into the sauce was genius. That meal was at about exactly 6pm, which achieves my IF goal. Much later, I ended up eating something around midnight, but it's not the end of the world. At least I held out until 6pm.
Jonathan and I went to the harto show and were surprised to see Harto and Haya there. Apparently they both moved to nyc without me knowing, so it was a rare link that made me very happy. Llerbes and Plush were super cool. Chain and Eli had great sets too. Talked to Zac Gavin for a lil bit. He told me how he was just chilling with Nick and Ted last weekend. Talked to 4evr and Tim Lake for super long. I think Tim's been showing everyone my work, which has made me very happy. Llerbes was hyped on me and my argyle hat. I wanna buy one of those latetomyfuneral hoodies so bad. Talked to harto and he's keen on coming to Boston. His performance was incrdible, by the way. I got his manager's # and he hit me back immediately. Seems like they really wanna make it happen.
Went to the Moh Baretta show with Dillon and linked Bonx, Tebi, Omar, n China. Stayed for Lade's set and most of FK's set. Not gonna lie, there was so much weed smoke in that venue that it was hard to handle. Linked Jonathan and Juliette + some others at Carousel. Went to A bar and got one drink before hitting the hay.
Drank so much last night, not gonna lie. Feeling kinda shitty this morning. Packed efficiently and made it to the lab before 10am.
Song of the day: A Loose Hair Falls Into a Glass of Water Without Ice by Carissa's Wierd. Actually the whole You Should Be at Home Here album is my album of the day. Songs About Leaving is also really good but I never really listened to YSBaHH until today and it has some highlights.
I wanna watch the movie paranoid park.
Finally updating on 250208. Sorry, in case anyone has missed out on my updates. Around 4:15pm I went to yume (they had spicy) and ate my first meal of the day around 5pm. It was so good. I have spent so much money at that restaurant but it truly makes me so happy. I didn't have a dream to share at first, but I thought about it while eating. My 'dream' of intermittently fasting every day might be a little frivolous, but it is my dream that I can achieve this goal.
Trekked to South Station, got on the very empty bus, and started reading The Society of the Spectacle. I can't believe I thought I might read through the whole thing on the bus ride. It's a lot denser than I thought it would be. It is great though, and I wrote several margin notes. I read the first two chapters.
Trains were so slow and I took one in the wrong direction when I got to nyc. Got to the Brew Inn around 1:30am and went to Twins with Jonathan and Tomas. Got a chopped cheese and slept like a baby.
Dropped the tape to great reception. I love music. I love making music that is then listened to and enjoyed by the people I love and some people I don't even know. The best part to me is that it's free (mostly). I love making something out of nothing.
Some members of another lab in my department were talking about ozempic/weight loss and I joined in (extremely rare) to gain some insight. So ozempic makes you feel extremely satiated from very little food consumption so you're at an extreme calorie deficit. It seems like IF is the same thing except it's more about willpower. Ozempic makes you feel horribly sauseous, supposedly, but IF can also make you feel uncomfortable. I think the uncomfortableness is positive though. I might be insane but it makes me feel more mindful and think more clearly. I skate better, make better music, etc.
Yesterday I stuck to a 4-hour food window and ate super late in the day. It was hard but worth it. Feeling good and want to repeat the same today.
Went home and cleaned a little in the apartment before going to Lulu's for wing wednesday. Went to the model to chop it up with locals although I wasn't really trying to stay too long or spend too much money on beer. Thu called me after I told her that Carrie and I broke up. I think she was the most distraught person I told, it was kind of funny I'm not gonna lie. She's so supportive and emotionally intelligent. So sad she's back in Austria now. Carrie called me out of the blue because supposedly Gwen's cat got locked in a room that had the window open. I bought a star key from the auto store on Cambridge st and ran over to the new spot. They already got the door open when I arrived, which was funny. Anyways I helped Carrie move some stuff up the stairs and took another trip to help carry stuff. That sucked so just went home after. Nick got back from NY and I hung out with him and Maia for mad long. I was gonna pack but put it off til the morning.
Regular ass day. Still hella sad, to be for real. On that IF grind tho I'm rlly winning. PG photoshoot for the interview that cart fern and I did with shotbyhunter tonight. Wish we got more members in on the interview but we will do something similar again soon, hopefully. Can't stop the T4! Finalizing EVERYTHING for Carter and I's tape tonight hopefully. Then drop tomorrow hopefully!
Moderately busy work day and I could have put in a little more work but I just made a melody during the last hour of the day. Shoot went well and I'm looking forward to the interview dropping. It was so fucking windy and I didn't have a hat. Worried I might get sick. Stayed at Carter's until around midnight to finalize the tape.
Got to work a little late but not too bad. Regular day. Not sure why, but I have a lot of energy. When I get home I want to read, make music, and watch Memories of Murder. I want to finish reading The Crying of Lot 49 before I go to NYC so I can read The Society of The Spectacle on the bus to NYC and give Jonathan my copy.
It is 8:30 and I have done nothing. Hopefully tomorrow.
Forced myself to watch Memories of Murder. It was disturbing and really well-made. I like how the killer was never found. I think it's supposed to show that the murders were a symptom of society itself, not just one person. Maybe. Or that a modenrizing society is just bad at catching a killer. Idk. And at first I thought it was corny that the movie ended exactly where it started (and the fourth wall breaking), but I think it supports the theme of all history being present history. History is always present. It truly is a snapshot of that era in Korea, which seemed like a super unique time. I think that's what Bong Joon-ho was trying to do with the fourth wall break at the end: bring the movie into reality. The Korean population did not know who the killer was in the real life case when the movie came out. Just murky speculation. I read an essay from 2008 on the movie, and a Korean student wrote, "every medium is a recording tool to assist the preservation of memory or to remember a specific moment. In his article, 'The Ontology of the Photographic Image," Bazin (1945) already refers to this function of film and photography as a recording tool. The record of the present in the past becomes the record of the past in the present, later. Some parts of the present are recorded while others are erased or repressed. Which one is recorded or repressed depends on a political conjecture, and even re-estimation of them is not free from politics.' Makes me want to take more photos and videos.
The Park Hyun Kyu character is supposed to symbolize Korea's working and student class who resist and protest against the military dictatorship. I just find it so insane that today there is such a division between the working and student classes. Yes, in Boston there are really annoying rich kid students who have had life served to them on a silver platter, but there are also people like me who were misguided into thinking that going to an astronomically expensive college is the key to success. Yes, my current job is interesting, but I will need to pay off my student loans for the rest of my life. I make much less than a union ironworker. I'm working class but when I tell people I work in a lab they think it's this big money job for some reason. It's like they forget that the instiution I work at is evil, lol. We need to bring back worker-student solidarity.
I just really fucking appreciate how the ending is sad and unresolved. Every hollywood movie is a success story because if you make people feel good you get more of their money.
The idea of the train being a symbol of technology and modernity is so fucking funny to me. In 2025 the train is the epitome of the failure of late-stage capitalism. The privatized mbta is so dilapidated and dysfunctional that it pains me to use it. I've actually enjoyed taking the bus lately only because so few people trust it that it's usually empty and because we're in a cycle where drivers don't give a fuck whether I pay the fair or not (which is rare). I wanna make a song called I Like Trains and film a video for it on a train/in a train yard. I wanna talk about how I like the train because I can drink on it, I can scam the fair and ride for free, and how I like train yards because my friends do graffiti there. I don't like the train for what it's purpose is because it fails at its main function: efficiently and reliably getting me to where I want to go!
Final quote from Dark Side of Modernization: Bong Jun Ho's Memories of Murder (2003): "Though it has mobilized people for modernization, the state does not succeed in dealing with the unexpected result of that change. There are just some survivors and victims traumatized by modernization."
Facetimed Alisa, cleaned up around the apartment, and went to Yume for lunch. No spicy :( but it was good. Went to found and saw Meera and Charles. Went to work and catalogued some stuff in our database + started an overnight reaction. Tried to read a little of The Crying of Lot 49 but it wasn't taking. I was so unfocused. Decided to go home, cook, and watch Memories of Murder. Talked with Carrie for a little and it turns out they might move out as early as this weekend. Not gonna lie, that makes things easier. Super awkward but I think we're handling things as well as we can. So adult. Ended up just fucking off and doing nothing for a few hours before I knocked around 1am. Will hopefully watch Memories of Murder 250203.
Updating on 250203. Been pretty hard for me to focus on anything. Haven't read much, watched any movies, worked on music, or anything. It's normal. My mind keeps wandering. Very glad to be going away this weekend. On this day I went to The Brighton Bazaar with Nick to check out Wyatt's setup. He has really cool airbrushed shirts but they're super expensive. One thing about not being in a relationship is that you're supposed to spend less money, which I'm going all in on. Nick left for NYC midday and I cleaned the kitchen + stu. I'm going to move the couch and big tv (oof) into what was Carrie and I's room after they move out. Both tasks are going to be herculean but the room will hopefully be cool and uncramped. Want to make it open and uncrowded so people can come make tunes whenever.
Carter came over before the Jim Rat show. We fixed up stuff for our tape (dropping this week hopefully), recorded on a jupps open, and started a quizzical music type beat. Went to the Jim Rat show and linked Diz, Charles, Meera, Ez, ET, fern, Toni, and Teddy there. We weren't really let in, but it was fun. Got so tanked. Everyone is being very supportive with what's going on. Hella people came over and chilled after. Was barely able to keep my eyes awake by the end of the night.
What a month. I can't believe I stuck to updating an entry every day for this site. Next is every day of 2025. It's so hard for me to stick with things. This makes my life make more sense and quells the chaos. Makes things calmer and clearer.
Carrie and I broke up yesterday. I truly can't believe it. Honestly, talking in detail about it is too personal but I've been writing about it and really feeling it in private. We had so many plans. Regardless, they are the only person I've ever dated who I ever have thought about wanting to truly be close friends with after the relationship has ended. I love them so much and I was us both to be happy. The next month is going to be difficult, but we are hopefully not going to live together much longer.
Regular friday at work. No lab meeting so I came in on time. Woke up early to take care of the trash and say goodbye to Carrie (they're visiting a friend for the weekend, understandably). Felt good to wake up early. Didn't feel good to wake up alone on the shittiest, angled, uncomfortable pull-out mattress. Was extremely difficult to say bye to Carrie.
Went home around 4 and pretty much did nothing. Hung out with Nick and Ted for a sec and made a pizza with them. Did the dishes which was good. I was going to try to organize and clean the stu (which I will be living in for the foreseable future) but now it's a Saturday task. Went to sleep at around 2am.
I have not felt this sad in a long time. I'm so sad that I can't distract myself.
I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Or nervous breakdown or whatever.
Back to the bus. Usual work motions. Stole a slice of pizza from Whole Foods.
On Debord's idea of appearance over essence:
we’re experiencing the marvel-ization of art, where the goal of everything produced is spectcacle and any influences or references are merely aesthetic or “easter egg”-ified. The spectacle wants us to be spectators: passive and, in my opinion, maybe even commentators (eg: streamers) or critics, but not producing things of value. We aren't supposed to make decisions or contribute. We don't intervene as long as we are fed and entertained. Bread and Circusses. The point of life has changed from being to having. Commodity fetishism separates commodities from the person who made them and the labor put in.
Song of the day: no more sorry by mbv
Carrie had a doctor's appointment that, although better than others, was more negative than positive. It seems as though they have hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. This is different from vascular Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is fatal. I tried to be supportive and get them to talk to me, but it just turned into a weird fight. I'm frustrated, but definitely not helping. I don't think I made it about me, which is what they accused me of, and I honestly don't agree with how Carrie copes and reacts to things sometimes, but I also can't blame them for reacting how they are due to what they're going through. A rheumatologist set it in stone: my parter in chronically ill. Whatever semblance of this going away is completely gone. All that matters is management. I need to know more about this disease and completely change my life to accomodate Carrie or end the relationship.
Biked to work and it honestly sucked. I mean it was fast and everything but the cold truly feels like its fucking up my sinuses. Can't wait for this to be over. Lab meeting went fine, and I feel organized. PI seemed to imply I was doing a decent job. Nothing to worry about. Did work until ~7pm, then worked on a quizzical beat using an avril melody for about 1hr. Went to charlie's to wait for Nick and Maia cuz we were supposed to hang out. Read the first ~3 chapters of the crying of lot 49 before Nick called to say his car battery died. Went home and knocked instantly.
I don't know what I was expecting, but the crying of lot 49 has a way more cinematic dialogue and raunchy california vibe than I expected. It seems pretty similar to inherent vice in aesthetic. Pynchon's writing is kinda Nabokovian, but updated for the swingin' 60s. Anyways, his prose shines. The immediate jump into the paperclip/mkultra stuff was nuts, and the communication motif was already really apparent within the first few chapters. Excited to read on. Cool oxymoron: "fiercly ambivalent"
Jonathan and I were talking about it Guy Debord and the society of the spectacle over text today. He was a letterist who went on to be prominent figure in the situationist international. Apparently he was "super into 'common' language as a way to fight capitalist/technological encrouchment." I agree with what Debord says about alienization and homogenization. The anti-aesthetic movement is cool, although it definitely has a very cool aesthetic from a 2025 perspective. Note: Debord's metagraphics are super similar to Mark Lombardi's interlocks.
Tired as shit. Same story every day. Also ate way too early in the day but I really felt like I needed it. Going through the work motions. There's a lab meeting tomorrow so I gotta spend a lot of time organizing, writing slides, and then memorizing the slides so I can talk about individual points if anyone asks questions. Was supposed to make tunes with Ez, but they bailed, and I can't say I'm bummed. I need a night to myself to just chill with Carrie and also work on music on my own.
Dropped the Crumbs on the Bed music video. Hyped on how it turned out. Apollo started a new pg discord server. VC'd with Ez for a lil and made a mediocre melody. At least I did one musical thing today. Went to sleep around midnight.
Carrie and I wanted to go rock climbing, but after thinking about how expensive it is (and seeing that a restaurant in Dorchester had a $1 oyster deal for Sundays) we decided against it. I want to make it happen next Sunday. The oysters were pretty good, of which I had 12. Tasted real authentic. Once again, the only condiment I put on oysters is tabasco: a perfect combo in my book. After that we walked around the south bay mall. We had a lil late charcuterie lunch and watched a 2000s rom com when we got home, then I headed to the slimesito x lazerdim show. The show was pretty lit but I left before the end of lazerdim's set. I asked slimesito if he was still doing placement deals and he said he'd do $100 for a placement. I dm'd him and he sadly hit me with "you need $300." It's all good though. Money saved. I talked with Sn8ke from rich slime for a while outside the venue and chopped it up with apollo, poetry, cam, max, and the select markets guys. Smoked way too many cigarettes. At one point this dude in a moncler tried to rush the guards and run into the venue. He ended up fighting them just as I was walking outside to smoke and they tore his sleeve off. Shit was hilariuous. I even caught part of it on video. Overall it was a fun show and makes me wanna be outside and grind and lab in hopes that I can have as lit of a show some day. Both slime and lazer had hellllla people on stage with them, which was so sick. Lazer is a good performer with a lot of energy but he spent half his time taking phones from the audience and recording selfie videos. That's nice of him but I hope someone from his team tells him to stop doing that so much, lol.
I want to start an underground music fanzine. Had the name "Fresh Hell" in mind, but maybe that's overused. Professional Amateurs too, but I kinda wanna save that for a music project. The idea is that it's under a pseudonym. I want to literarily analyze and, frankly, intellectualize a lot of this underground music because I believe that's what it deserves. I also want to show love and, yes, even glaze my friends (and myself) without being publicly direct about it. I'll admit it: it's promo. I was thinking my pseudonym could be Jorge Sacapuntos. "Saca puntos" meaning "gets points," or 'runs numbers up,' but also it's one letter off from sacapuntas (pencil sharpener).
Finished reading distant star. This may be one of the best works of literature I've ever read in my life. I love reading. I wrote margin notes and don't have much else to say. Politically, I think the most salient message to me is that there will be no third world war. That's not as extreme as the idea that there has only been one world war and the second world war, etc, is just a continuation, but especially currently, it's more obvious than ever that nazism is entrenched into society (moreso societies all over the world). I used to wonder why the holocaust was overwhelmingly taught vs other genocides. That doesn't change the fact that I think it IS overtaught, and incorrectly (ie: people don't talk about how Hitler amassed his funding and rose to power materially). The genocide education project lists 12 cases of genocide in the world and recognizes that not all cases of genocide are listed on their website, nor should they be ranked on importance or suffering. Nazism persists as an ideology all over the world, due to the nazi diaspora, programs like operation paperclip, etc. Not only that, but the nazis got uniquely weird with it. They were scientific and occult. Forms of hate and genocidal action/mentality, to me, are typically based in political context or general misanthropy, but nazism provides a niche ideological framework that is more akin to religion than a political party. It truly is so unique that it is so perverse. Correct me if I'm wrong, but nazism seems much more abundant than any ideology/party explicitly rooted in fascism that sprang from a genocide. I finally understand the emphasis and close attention paid to nazism now. It really is that deep and nazism has not gone away at all.
Artistically, I love the almost sitcom-style segmentation of art movements and groups. This book gave me the idea to start a definitive art movement, write a manifesto for this art movement, organize an experimental art show related to this movement, create a publication under a pseudonym, and generally think outside the box while being careful that a certain type of avant-garde can lean towards fascism.
Had a studio session at the record co with Jake Person, Desmos, and like 15 other producers. Grinded out a few mels and mostly just chilled with these people I met. Apollo, Cart, and I took hella flicks. Needed them for the cover art of cart and I's project. Went straight to Ted's video premiere at brighton music hall from there. The premiere was so sick. So many people I FW in one room. The video was perfect as well. My favorite music in any of Ted's videos by far. Very few vocals in the music, which is typically a smart move. Sometimes the music doesn't carry as much momentum without vocals, but Ted chose songs with emotional weight. I had also never seen Cooper Qua skate and he's absolutely cracked. Apparently the last clip Eddie filmed for the video was literally yesterday (250124) and Cooper filmed his ender within the week. Also, Bri had way more clips than I thought she was gonna have. They were all super cool. We all went to leif's an got tanked after. Connor convinced me to go against him in a round of the simpsons arcade game (which Leif just randomly has). I'm glad he convinced me because I like gaming, even though it's hard. It forced me to focus on something and interact. I lasted way longer than Connor btw. It was also cool how Jojo and their whole lil crew of kids was there too. Got so faded and slept like a baby.
Slept better than the past few nights, but still far from well. There was a lab meeting this morning, which I took from home and allowed me to start my day a little slower. I read a chapter of Distant Star. I'm excited to wrap this book up, probably tomorrow, and read the crying of lot 49, then From Hell by Alan Moore. It will be the first comic I've read besides my friend Tim's 'Shredman', and before that, 'Bone' when I was a kid. After that I think I'll read the Death in Midsummer story collection by Mishima, then Neuromancer by Gibson.
While reading this morning, I had an idea for the quizzicalist manifesto (which fern is also now helping to write/develop):
I want it to have a maze in one section, encouraging participation. I want to create a new kind of maze or maze-like game that combines sentence/word formations with path-finding.
*UPDATING on 250127* (another whirlwind weekend. I don't even remember friday. I need to update this more frequently.) Went to a show in Union Square with Carrie, Nick, Maia, Meera, and Ewan. Honestly, I'm a moderate fan of the artist (Salem June), but the live performance lacked in my opinion. What separates her from other artists in the scene are her glitchy electronic influences, but the live show excluded that completely. After, we tried to hit the druid, but it was packed to the brim. It's definitely not as sick as I thought it would be. We hit this spot Trina's instead that actually ruled. Definitely going back, and it wasn't even close to full.
Slept like shit and woke up a million times throughout the night. Starting to test me and wear me down.
Had a therapy session for the first time in over a month. We discussed work, the holidays, the event I recently threw, how things are with Carrie, and the new productive habits I've picked up since the start of the new year. It's nice to reflect on my success in being more patient and intentional. This site has helped me so much in compartmentalizing everything I do. Looking back at entries shows me how productive I can be and also when I should pick up my own slack. Reading and playing more games has given me things to focus on and interact with, making me calmer and more present. I should continue my pace with all these things.
I honestly did nothing productive outside of work yesterday or the day before, so after work today I should devote some time to hanging out with Carrie, do the dishes, clean Coffee's litter box, organize a little, and read if I have time before people come over to make music. I really want to (patiently) grind and get some tunes done. I don't think Carter is able to come through, but we should finalize everything for our tape this week.
Copped bus tickets really cheap to go to NYC from Feb 6th-9th. Gonna go to the Harto Falion show and bring a USB of beats/opens to give him. It will be good to see Jonathan. We've been on such a literally/artistic/philosophical tip lately. I also want to see the Beauty and Unity heads, as well as Aiden and Ed if possible. I hit up fabii but don't really expect a swift response. I will do my thing. Trying to plan but I will go with the flow. I will definitely see Katebi and hopefully his roommates. Apparently there's a lebxanon show that weekend as well, which would be cool. Obviously there will be some drinking, but I really want to be able to stay up late on that New York Timing, so I will try to keep it to a minimum. I think this trip will be good for me. I've been happily introverted and focused on what makes me happy lately, rather than focused on keeping up with what every single one of my friends is up to, but I also want to be outside and not so insular. A slight change of scenery will be nice.
Honestly, this song with EZ is a banger. I should promote it more.
Quizzical symbols: bitmaps, puzzles, mazes, letterist formations, word searches
Went to Santouka at around 4:45pm and did everything I said i was going to do. Desmos came through at around 7:15, then fern at around 8. We all collabed on about 4 beats and desmos hopped on one of them. The song turned out so nuts so I hope he posts it. Fell asleep around midnight, which was nice.
Slept like shit once again!! I feel like I can't win. Woke up so many times over the course of the night. Still managed to wake up later than usual (7:00, but properly 7:30) and took my time but still got to the lab at ~9:45. I was in the facility all day and it went by like a flash. The hunger pangs were testing me, but I had my first bite at around 5:15pm. Had 12 buffalo wings from Lulu's. The waitress recognized me and it was cool. I told her all the homies were lacking. I understand what alienation means now because I'm not feeling it. Nick was gonna pull up but I saw he was still at home when I finished the wings. I now write this at the model 3 beers deep in total.
Quizzical Prose (for Jonathan's shared doc (and not really quizzical itself but I was just thinking about a plot)):
phageliac: a quizzicalist grammoir or cuneiform as language art:
Pen C. Pusher's boring work-from home staycation lifestyle takes a turn when he starts having dreams about his girlfriend's friend's boyfriend, a man named T4. He's never met or corresponded with T4 but describes him as a germ or virus that finds his way into Pusher's head, causing odd and strange feelings. Life starts imitating phagely like an infection.
Woke up feeling like shit. If I get sick again I might jump off a building. Got to work super late so I probably gotta stay til 5:30 or 6. Need to do absolutely nothing when I get home.
Tebi n Cian emphasized that I should learn fl. It's still so true. I should learn fl and abelton so I can at least contribute to stuff when people are labbing irl.
I think I'm doing pretty well on the IF. I don't think I can make it past 4pm today, but we'll see. Trying to drink a lot of water and stay busy.
Dropped my song with EZ prod katebi n apollo that we recorded at oak grove. It was to minimal reception but I'm in a bit of a hype lull, which is ok. I like the cover art so much. Someone commented about the robosapien toys on the cover in adoration. Went home and Carrie made a really cool "grilled cheese pasta" with farfalle, roasted pepper tomato soup, pepper jack + cheddar cheese, arugula, and cherry tomatoes. It was amazing. I'm writing this on 250122 at the model cafe, 3 beers deep, and the only thing I can hear besides white noise is the conversation next to me between two millenial gentleman. They're complaining about and explaining their body pain.
Chilled with Carrie for a little and fell asleep really early.
Had the day off. Read approx. 2/3 into Distant star. No notes. It's really subtext-as-text. All the references to nazism in latin america, themes relating to the ease of Avant-Garde's slip into fascism, references to disappearances, stories within stories, etc. are all very cool.
Linking Katebi later in the day. I offered to link in Acton since I haven't been out of the city in a little. Hopefully bonx will come as well. I did the dishes and organized the stu/my clothes after reading and am now finally updating the past ~3 days.
It's 2:30pm and I haven't eaten anything yet today. IF grind back in full effect. I will try to eat at 4pm and not after 10pm. If all goes well, I don't want to eat before 4pm any day this week. I want to try to push for 5pm or 6pm tomorrow.
Made chicken asado tacos at 4pm before going to Acton. Cian pulled up as well. Made a very quizzical beat and chopped it up for a few hours. Train back was delayed by 20 minutes and I forgot my jacket. Fortunately, after finally getting on the commuter rail, there was no more than a 1 minute wait for the red line and 66. Got home at around 11:30. Felt super cold even though the apartment was hot and slept like shit. The heat was on all night and I'm worried we're plowing through oil.
Date day with Carrie. Woke up super late and took the bus, then train, to Davis. Carrie absolutely loved their sausage pepper and onion pizza from Mortadella Head, and my chopped caesar was perfect. The olives were more spread out than the last time I got the sandwich, so they added a well-distributed taste of vinegar. We got coffees at revival, then hit goodwill and buffalo exchange. Minimal finds. Hit comicazi and got a couple pins, vintage trading cards, and figurines. They have a whole collection of gogo's, a figurine line from my childhood I forgot about. OHM reminded me of the name upon seeing a photo. They're $2 each, so I got two. I was making plans to see Katebi tomorrow, so I grabbed one to give him. This is a nice lil special interest of mine. I looked around for Alan Moore comics, but couldn't find any on sale/used. I want to read one of his comics after The Crying of Lot 49. Carrie and I then took the bus to the Cambridge Antique Store. I found a really cool racecar lighter that had a woman with a USA flag bikini on it. It looked super old but still worked and had fuel, but was $45. I think if I'm still thinking about it by next weekend, I'll go back for it. I also think I might just tell a friend they should buy it. Carrie and I briefly walked around the Cambridgeside mall before calling a moderately inexpensive uber home. We watched ~1/2 of Wild At Heart, a Lynch film neither of us ahd seen yet, but stopped halfway through to play brewopoly (a beer-themed monopoly game) with Nick and Maia. It felt great to play a game. I forced myself to pay attention and get involved and it was incredibly fun.
Updating 250120. I hate when this happens. The weekend was kinda a whirlwind but I wish I took a second to write what I was doing. Did chores around the apt. It was a big cleaning day. Cart, Casperr, DontTakeForever, and apollo came through around 4pm to make tunes. I think I'm doing well in my broad new years resolution to be more patient. When I'm less restless I can be more efficient, outdside of my own head, and just do. Cart, forever, and I hopped on a casperr beat while apollo and casperr made a beat. around 9:30 we all left for lil spoon's birthday party in Dorchie. Apollo split off to let rxckett and the other racside heads into the Roxbury stu to film a video. We kicked it with spoon for a little. It was great to see her and her new apartment. Had a lot of catching up to do. They were about to go dancing, so Cart, notforever, casperr and I trekked to the Roxbury stu to hang out. Got so fucking drunk and just kicked it while rxckett shot a vid. Apollo whipped cart and I home. Forgot to mention that I facetimed Jonathan to discuss the new quizzicalism art movement and its launch. We made a google doc to keep our thoughts tg. Hopefully we can really take this to a gallery.
At the risk of sounding cringe (idk why I would feel that way), I am so fucking ridiculously overjoyed at all the amazing music and art being made. Literally nonstop. Felt pretty trash waking up and had a headache. Slept in, took my time, and stayed home to tune into the collaborator lab meeting via zoom. Pulled up to The Painted Burro for a final send-off to Thu with the rest of the collaborator/my lab. That place is a favorite of my institution's crowd but it sucks so much. Spent $8.50 on a tiny taco that left me hungry. After the slightly awkward lunch, I wrapped up my minimal tasks throughout the day and left at 4. Towards the end of the day I edited my first 'quizzical music' lab with avril. I'm starting to make stuff that I like in that direction. In addition, I finally spoke with Jonathan about putting tg a Phage Gang art show. One opening in NYC (perhaps at double dutch, where we did the show with B&U), and one in Boston (perhaps at a DIY apt venue, like Fern's gf Lauren's apt). I got home, took care of some tasks around the apartment, and got straight to recording. I (mostly) finished mixing my new song with SAADE, finished a draft of my song on a Kuru beat, worked on my song on a valentino (StudyGroup) beat, recorded a short verse for a B&U song prod exp, and started recording on this hard h6ngman sample beat, but gave up after a sec. I gotta go back to it soon.
Woke up late and extremely tired. Completely out of it today. Gotta send beats to 9geek. I swear to god I'm getting back on the IF grind starting Monday. Brute force fs.
Isidore Isou was mentioned in (I think) chapter 3 of distant start. Never heard of him or letterism before but I'm now extremely hyped on his work. The comparison of Wieder to Isou is pretty funny. A little on the nose.
Updating on 250118. Trying to remember what I did.
Went home and read officially about 1/3 into Distant Star. It's so easy to read. Definitely a subtext as text situation. Nick and I went to Luca (Dope on Plastic)'s show at Phoenix Landing. We biked, which I was super skeptical about, but it actually felt great and went by super quick. Teddy and his friend also pulled up, which was sick. I've missed that dude a lot. Hadn't seen him in months. Roydell was also there, and it was great to chop it up with him. I also hadn't seen Luca in forever. They're truly one of my best friends. I gotta make more of an effor to chill with them. As always, they killed it. Dev/Null spun after them, then the night ended with a b2b. Luca's super unique. Dev/Null rules but I don't know any junglist with a personal style such as Luca's. We biked home at around 2am, made tacos, and knocked.
Woke up feeling really good and energetic for some reason. Tried to watch the sunrise, inspired by Clarice Lispector, but it wasn't hitting me as hard as it hits her tbh. Read the first chapter of distant star and was really drawn in. No notes. It's honestly relieving to go from reading something so sbtract to something so structured and taut.
Hyped for Wing Wednesday + Model Comedy tonight. Last chance to hang out with Thu before she goes back to Austria.
Random thoughts of today:
Went home then went to Lulu's. Went to the model but the comedy wasn't hitting. I think Thu just didn't appreciate the dryness lol. Carter and Thu came back to my place with Carrie and I. We watched The Town (my second viewing). It's for sure the best Boston movie. We said a teary goodbye around 1am :( So sad tbh, Thu was my only chill coworker.
Slept like a baby but tired as fuck. Need to start thinking of date ideas for this Sunday. I kinda wanna hit Davis. That record store in ball square is super cool, but we've already gone there. Would be a good idea to go again, but I want to find something we've never done before to go to in that area. Perhaps an antique store. There's goodwill, buff exchange, comicaze, salvation army (closed on sunday), and stereo jack's. When Carrie and I spent the day in Roslindale, we made outfits for each other. I low key don't know if there's enough cool stuff at these super mid stores to do that again. The Cambridge antique market is kinda far from Davis, but it is open from 11am-6pm on Sunday. Could do to The Neighborhood Restaurant for breakfast, then chill in Ball/Davis. I'd honestly rather eat the lightest possible breakfast and eat lunch at Mortadella Head though. I know Carrie will be into the pizza. That way we can chill in Davis for a lil, then go to the antique market. It would be cool to see a movie at the Somerville Theatre, but there's nothing interesting on Sunday.
Left the lab at ~6:30. Cooked some shawarma chicken + had a side salad for dinner. Did the dishes + coffee's litter box and cleaned up the stu a little. Finished reading Água Viva with minimal notes. All I really noted was that at the end, even after all the rationalization of death, Lispector still fears it, which is natural. Referring to "What I'm writing to you is a 'this.' It won't stop: it goes on," I wrote that 'History continues. It's not in the past- we continue to live and experience it.'. This is a theme that I think can be seen in Bolaño's and Pynchon's work.
Gap between time before Sound Duel 250110 and morning of 250113 being filled now. Took a break from writing for the weekend + was ill. I'm still a little sick but barely feel it in my body. My throat doesn't hurt so much. I'm just super congested and phlegmy. The virus lives on. Took the bus to work. Excited to drop the new rxckett and 7 song on the page today.
Nvm rxckett wants to edit it more.
Left work at ~5:45. Took the bus home and made some steak tacos. Finished reading 3/4 of Água Viva. Very little notes. Porbably not a great wuality, but I definitely write less and less notes as I progress through books. Excited to finish it tomorrow and start Distant Star.
Still felt slightly ill but trooped to the Woidbear show at the sil. Their friend Gaby was there and told me they've been thinking about the Sound Duel on Friday every day since it happened. They said that when people (justifiably) complain that Boston has no culture, this event kinda stands in defiance of that. Again, this city has tons of talent and culture, but it's just really segregated. The infrastructure for people to meet isn't there. I'm hyped for this show desmos is throwing tg in February. I hope it works out.
Woidbear killed their set. Walked home, ate a big salad and a couple mandarins.
Worst day for illness. Read 22 more pages of Água Viva. At times its a bit much, but the progression into "he" and "she" as well as the meditation on caves switch it up a little. I wrote much less today than yesterday. Mostyly margin notes.
Did an ~40-minute interview with fern and cart for Nosebleed Press. Hung out with Carrie all day. It's crazy how this happens: I'll get sick, get better, then get sick again two weeks later. I swear this must be stress. Also biking around all the time in the cold. I'm asking for it at this point.
Sick. Shoulda taken the warning signs all weak as an omen of iminent cold. Carrie and I made a good ass soup:
Watched the new Wallace and Gromit movie. It was adorable. AI could never make it.
Read the first 22 pages of Água Viva. It made me reflect on the practice of making art and consuming art as mental exercise. For me, art is equally about the meaning behind it as it is about enjoyment. The 'secret harmony of disharmony' phrase stood out to me. Strange/unlikely combinations can be profound/beautiful. I wrote 'you can't have harmony without harm.' I think we need to suffer for art. We need to suffer in little ways in general. I'm in favor of technological progress that prevents real human suffering (ie: drones putting out wildfires, which is something we don't even have), but not technological progress that alienates people (ie: instacart). Obviously, people who are disabled should be able to have a personal shopper, don't get me wrong. Don't take me for a Jordan Peterson 'clean your room' type, because I hate that guy, but obviously depriving onesself, powering through, and prolonguing satisfaction are good habits. In general, I think we need to deprive ourselves to live authenically.
Paragrahs of Água Viva are like diary entries. Slices of life fragmentally jotted down. I want this site to be like that. It seems to me like there is the perfect level of mystery in the text. I can truly feel that on the 'substratum' (a word which I noticed has been used a few times so far) there's a logic that peaks out into the surface periodically. It's like legos: the perfect building block of meaning. Enough makes sense for me to keep the pace, but enough is also mysterious enough for me to read-on.
A denunciation of pre-fab music promotion, ai, and instagram filter videos (originally a diatribe, but that's too harsh): I started thinking about this yesterday when apollo and I were butting heads a little about the use of instagram filters for effects in music videos. I need to start by saying that it's 100% ok that we do not agree. We have differing opinions and that's fine. He described it as a cheat-code for making cool visuals and argued that if he made the lofi-filter effect in a program, I would feel differently about the end product. That's entirely possible. My moral opposition is in the use of these filters at all. As an artist, I want to hand-make something that is custom-specified to match the music. Instagram filters are a pre-made selection, and I don't think there is anything very artistically integrous about sifting through pre-made filters that someone else made, which can also be used and re-used by the entire population. Art should not be commodified. I feel the same way about ai song promotion. I don't want to point fingers, but I think it's fairly obvious that a certain artist started this trend. It's funny, because this specific artist I'm thinking of doesn't even seem to use ai anymore. Now I'm rambling, and I promise to reel this in from tirade to criticism, but if you're a flexed-up rapper who films normal-ass straight-to-the-point trillers, why would you randomly insert an ai-generated clip of yourself crawling on all-fours like a dog with blood spraying out of your mouth? That shit just straight up makes no sense and it bothers me that people are doing this. I digress. OHM spoke to me about this recently and offered the opinion that it's worth using promotional tactics like these on social media. He said it 'doesn't need to be good art.' That's where I totally disagree. I don't want to put anything out that I don't think is good art. I don't want to put anything out that doesn't contribute to the ethos of my artistic mission. contemporary music promotion on social media is commodified, corny, and lacks any substance. I don't want to make something that looks cool! I want to make something that means something!
I'm genuinely annoyed at myself for being as mad about this as I am. Still, I am incredibly disappointed with what's happening. I also don't claim to have everything figured out, or that I'm this amazing artist. I still think I'm in the early stages of my 'career', and although I'm confident and fuck with myself and what I'm doing, I can recignize that I have a lot of room to grow and refine myself. Ok enough of this. I hate critics. Actually, I hate critics who don't make art. Like Barrett Avner says, they 'don't have any skin in the game.' I'll shut up, but I think I'm allowed to criticize.
One last thing: I don't care if I work with people or have supporters who disagree with me on this (to a fault). I gotta stand on what I believe. Obviously I'm open to discussion and can admit if I change my mind about something, but I think saying anything, even if it's just here, is better than being passive. I need some goddamn soup.
Phoned it in for the rest of the day and went home. Ate a snack before Sound Duel. People packed in slowly and we got started with open mic performances ~7pm. Started with freestyles at ~8pm. More people were hyped to go up than I thought. All it takes is one person to step up and it gives everyone else more confidence. After the event I filmed a video for my unreleased song with rxckett and we recorded a rxckett x 7 trendy song on an apollo x sam rubin beat. Ended up going home around 3am. Shoutout apollo for whipping.
After a slow start to the morning, I argued a little with the oil people, since they were supposed to periodically come by and fill our oil tank. Fortunately, they didn't charge me for the priming of the tank, although the refill cost was still an astronomical $900. Once again late to work on a day I was supposed to come in early. Pretty hyped for this studio sesh at Oak Grove Sound tonight, although it was up in the air for a second. I don't even know who somaiki and maemae are with, but apparently they're 9 heads deep in Lynn. It's chill with ET, so it's a go. Truly incredibly kind to have 9 strangers pull up to your studio. Hope everything goes well since I vouched for these guys.
1of1soldier posted the Sound Duel flyer on his story. This is a pretty dope cosign and I hope it leads to a lot of people coming. It seems like people are talking about it and are planning on showing up. It's very reaffirming to hear that someone who I fuck with so heavily thinks my idea is "great for the scene."
Still feel a little under the weather. Not cold or sick but low-energy, lethargic, tired, and burnt-out. I need my body to rest. My copy of Água Viva came in the mail and I'm excited to start reading it. I think after Distant Star, I'd like to read The Crying of Lot 49 by Pynchon. I also want to watch the movie about Mishima and read the Death in Midsummer story collection.
A random thought, but if you're worried about getting old, please get over it. Life is often a slow burn for a lot of people, and we might blow up, discover something interesting, and experience things we would have never imagined as we age. Some of the people I really like are young, and some people who I really like are 'old.' Sometimes I think that people might not know how old someone they really fuck with is. I know a handful of people whose art didn't take off, get good, or start making money until they were much old than I am right now. You can do anything cool at any age. Swag might change but the mission doesn't.
My first song of the day: Kermit the Frog by Gucci Mane (produced by Zaytoven). That classic slow swing of Zaytoven's drums + the classic weird ass melody with string hits on top make this one a classic. The sound effects (camera flashing, cutlery scraping together, dj burn one's tags, Gucci's big yawn at the beginning of his first verse) and lyricism (10 bricks on my Bart Simpson just look [eat my shorts]) make this one stand apart from Gucci's many classics. Chicken Talk is so damn long, but it has so many highlights. There are some songs I'd genuinely cut, mostly due to lacking production. Also, I like Yo Gotti but his verse on Work Ya Wrist sucks. Otherwise a bangin' song. There are some other songs where I wish the chorus wasn't repeated so much and it was more of a 'no hook' song. But I still think this is prime Gucci.
My second song of the day: Sorrow by Box Car Racer. I remembered Box Car Racer existed because it came up while I was trying to find 'boxcar dog' by Happy Doghouse. Immediately listened to Letters To God, but Sorrow really makes me feel some type of way. The strength of the chorus being belted out: "I'm sorry, please forgive me, believe me, if you would" makes me feel a mixed emotion in the pit of my stomach. I like that idea of Quizzicalism- that the instrumental and vocals make people feel things that they can't put a finger on but feel with magnitude. Also, I thought the lyric was "but leave me, if you could," which is raw as hell to me.
My album of the day: self-titled by Happy Doghouse. Pure garage elctropop. I used to not like the overly indie-sounding electropop stuff, and was an electronic purist (postal service). Artists like Lali Puna helped me branch out a little. Truly, I sometimes forget how much a crave a genuinely lofi yet well-mixed garage sound in music. That's why I like the eggy folk punk of The Moldy Peaches. Anyways, this EP is really weird and amazing. Every song is unique and surprising.
Also those kids bailed from the Oak Grove sesh oof. What can ya do. Looks like apollo, OHM, and SAADE will join me. Good crowd. I have hella beats for tomorrow. So excited.
Ended up leaving work around 6pm and biked to State Park to eat some fries and drink a couple high lifes. I started reading Água Viva. My thoughts on 'Is my theme the instant? The theme of my life?": I relate to lispector's obsession with the instant, but I feel that 'the instant' is the opposite of my 'theme'. I try to move through instants by making good decisions without overthinking, overruminating. I guess thise small 'instant' decisions do shape my life. The domino effect is real. Anyways, 'the instant' maybe ties into the living water/jellyfish idea. Always at the will of another force, always moving. Overall, I can already see why artists life this book so much. I discussed this with Fern briefly the following day (250110), and he described 'the instant' as 'trying to capture the moment in art and not just a representation of it.'
Took the red line to the orange line to get to Oak Grove. It was great to see ET. SAADE, OHM, and I started hopping on the beat that apollo, 02, and I made the other night, but weren't getting super far. SAADE and I hopped on a katebi x apollo beat. ET did a tag at the beginning that came out clean as fuck. Ended up getting home ~1:30am.
Woke up feeling like shit. So phlegmy. 30 minutes late to work on a day I actually wanted to come in early. I just want to have time to chill at home and work on music. Tonight's comedy night, and while I'm hyped, I'm also kind of over it. I have 3 jokes (half-written).
My Set: Is anyone here asexual? anyone? It's super normal these days, super common thing. However, I think I'm the opposite of asexual: I'm a huge sexist! I love sex! I love it so much, I recently had to register as a public sex defender. *pretends to wield gun in defense* Asexuals, get behind me! Poly people, get behind me! Bisexuals, get behind me! I promise my whole set's not about sex, but I have one more sex story... So it's early one night, and my friends and I are recreationally doing poppers. If you don’t know what they are, poppers are an inhalant used in gay sex to loosen the boothole *mimes butthole squelching*. It just so happens they give you a mild head buzz as well. So my friends and i were recounting, although having done poppers multiple times, that we’ve never experienced the butthole-loosening effects. Maybe it's too instant or we didn't do enough, idk. So later on we go to meet up with some people at a bar, and it’s a freezing cold day. My friend slips and busts his ass on my front porch stairs. He just slides down them like a sled. He’s a little banged up but it’s not the end of the world and we continue on. My friend, being the lucky duck he is, actually hooked up with someone he met at the bar we were at. The trouble began when they started doing the deed though, because due to the icy fall, his ass was still completely numb. His ass was so numb that he couldn’t feel anything going on down there. Unfortunately, his ass was so numb that he couldn’t feel his butthole loosening, thanks to the poppers, and shit himself while having sex.
Holy shit I actually feel horrible. Need soup. Will bounce back to IF tomorrow when my body will hopefully not be in shambles. I think biking around sm in the cold ln fucked me up.
Ramen saved me and I slowly recovered. Wrapped up for the day and went straight to Lulu's for $0.50 wings and to finish writing my set. After the portion above I added in some stuff about mansplaining/theysplaining that didn't hold much water, so I won't include it here. There were 12 people on the list in total for comedy. Must have been a New Years thing. Carrie, Alisa, Nick, Ted, Eamon, and Eddie all pulled up. Eddie was having the time of his life, like really cracking up. My set was recieved relatively well, and we continued to drink the night away. Went by Aviva's crib to watch True Detective S1. Watching episode 4 for the second time, it was genuinely more enjoyable than the first time.
Heat was out when I got home. Bundled up and slept fine.
Extremely tired. Woke up at 7am instead of 6. Not off to a great start. Most brick it's ever been. Felt my mustache freeze one minute out the door. Trying to stave off eating until 4pm. I made it to 2pm for the past two days, but this is going to be a real test.
This is going to be one of the most exhausting weeks of my life. Trying to put posters up all over the city tonight, wing wednesday + comedy at the model tm, stu sesh at Oak Grove Sound on Thursday night, Sound Duel on Friday night, kicker for my coworker who's moving back to Austria on Saturday night, and possibly doing a big PG interview with nose bleed press on Sunday. Being busy is good, but this is od. Gonna make sure to do absolutely nothing on Saturday and Sunday besides those two things I have planned.
Bit the bullet and bought a used copy of Água Viva by Clarice Lispector, which will come in the mail tomorrow. Spent a few minutes going over her life and history. Seems interesting, and hopefully I'll start reading the book on Saturday.
Midday I remembered that at one point I got peripherally into Roberto Bolaño's stuff through Jimmy Falun Gong, so I ordered Distant Star online. The length and subjects of alternative art mediums, artistic milleui, and art movements made it seem like the most appealing start to me. I think I'll still read Água Viva first, but Bolaño seems really weird and exciting.
Phage Gang Art Movement: Quizzicalism
It's odd, strange, and uses puns to say something serious.
Really hungry. Leaving work an hour early. Glad I made it this far. Sounds like I have an eating disorder but I feel fine and actually enjoy the discomfort that comes with the discipline. Really excited to make steak tacos when I get home.
Ate at ~3:45pm. Was honestly starving. Sometimes I get to a point where I've waited so long to eat that hunger goes away, but this was not the case. That only happens ~5-6pm. The tacos were great. So simple: some kind of protein (chicken/steak/fish), avocado, raw white onion.
Linked up with Jason to give him a Gap jacket I found at goodwill, then set out to put posters up around the city. I wore two layers of socks, a thermal, and a scarf, so I wasn't too cold. The wind coming back was brutal and slowed me down tremendously. I hit Mission Hill, Roxbury Crossing, and Eggleston Square. This is when I had the idea to hit up Drew (TST Drew), because I know they still live in Eggleston. Fortunately they picked up my call and we kicked it at their place for ~1hr. They are truly a dear friend and I'm so glad I hit them up. We had a lot to catch up on and still have more. I was going to hit downtown after that, but with only 3 posters left I trekked home instead. Ended up not being able to fall asleep until ~2am.
First day back at work after a ~2 week break. I got incredibly lucky with the holidays, with my department giving staff the Monday and Tuesday before Christmas day off, and my being able to take the 2nd and 3rd (a Thursday and Friday) off as vacation days. This turned what would have been an 8-day break into a 16-day break. The downside is that I have no idea what I'm doing today. I felt too guilty for the first ~week I was off to get anything productive done, but now i'm coming back feeling completely disconnected and unorganized, not having thought of work in ~2 weeks. Eventually, over this break, I got over my guilt and unease and forced myself to wake up early and get shit done, like reading, watching films, working on music, and planning this Phage Gang event. Regardless, I'm back, spending 8 hours of 5 days/week (probably ~60% of my 'time') at work. Hopefully devoting the whole day to organizing. Hoping nobody bothers me and lets me readjust without inspection.
on the Phage Gang Sound Duel: I want to host interactive events. I want to do different shit. I think a lot of people find it confusing and don't know what I'm going for. I could have tried harder to find the words to concisely describe what this event is, but the pressure of time, for lack of better phrasing, really fucked with that. I got this idea because often, when I organize shows, local rappers will hit me up asking for short slots on the bill, even offering to pay for ~5 minutes to play a couple songs. This is an event for those people, who want an in. I want to give back to the community and create a resource for people to link up and show their talent. There's so much talent in this city and it simply feels like not enough people know each other. Producers have beat battles, battle rappers have rap battles. This is for rappers to show their songwriting skills.
I successfully organized and laid out the projects and tasks I am proceeding with in the lab, then took a long lunch break to put up posters around Davis, Porter, and Harvard Square. Surprisingly, a review paper I cowrote from the lab I volunteered in during my last year of undergrad was just published, officially making me a published scientific author. I got a chopped caesar with olives from Mortadella Head to celebrate. The olives kind of all sat in one place, but if this sandwich wasn't already almost perfect, I'd argue that marinated olives take it there. This millenial woman with a thick boston accent said "that looks so good, my mouth is, like, watering" when my sandwich was brought out. It made me feel observed but it made me laugh.
Met up with Nick, Ted, and Maydoney for 5 minutes cuz they were skating the long C ledge in Cambridge. It's on brick ground, the ledge is really round, and it's a hard spot to skate at all times, but I imagine it's 10x harder when it's 30 deg F with a wind chill that makes it feel like 15. This extended my lunch break to ~2 hours, so I need to stay at work a little later than I'd hoped. My feet feel like they're going to fall off from the cold, so I'm not excited to put up posters in Allston later.
Finished the work day and left the lab ~5:30pm. Put up posters for ~1hr, then watched this 90s teen movie 'Can't Hrdly Wait' with Carrie. Funny and kitschy at times but way too long for no reason. Was kinda tearing my hair out by the end. Ate a salad with olive oil and salt. Made one melody and sent it to exp.
Hung out with Carrie all day.
Made chicken, raw white onion, avocado, and habanero lime flour tortilla tacos for a quick lunch ~ 2pm. I'm trying to get back into intermittent fasting, and 2pm is the latest I've eaten my first meal of the day this year. Slowly working back to where I was before I caught the flu, couldn't eat for days, then bounced back and overate every day with ferocity. The hardest thing about sticking to IF is the consistency. Once the consistency breaks it's 1000x harder to reset.
Carrie and I saw Nosferatu at the Coolidge Theatre. It was our first time going to a movie theatre in years, I think. Not only did we enjoy the film, but the theatre experience was tremendous as well. I don't think I would be lauding the film if it weren't for the importance of contrast and sound design to the experience, both of which were perfectly suited for the theatre.
Our night was mundane. I made the flyer for the Phage Gang Sound Deul, happening this Friday 250110. I'm still incredibly anxious about it, but am persevering. I'm glad I churned out the flyer, at least.
Woke up feeling lethargic and extremely anxious. Got confirmation that I can hold my 'song wars' style event on Friday 250110 from 6-10pm at the Roxbury studio, although it will cost me $100. I feel like I'm taking a risk with this event, and with such short notice I am extremely anxious that it will flop. Regardless, I need to proceed and try as hard as possible to draw attention to it and make it go well.
Walked to CVS and Goodwill with Carrie. Needed something to do outside.
Linked up with apollo, vague002 and 003 at 02's place. Made a beat and caught up. It was great to see 02 and 03 again after a long time.
Woke up a little late today, but i'm still trying to make the most of the day. Pretty sure we're having a kicker tonight to celebrate Nick's belated birthday and his return to bos.
Finished Capitalist Realism. I wrote pretty much all my notes for the last few chapters in the margins of the book. Although I criticized it for being too anecdotal in some parts, I find it extremely relatable. Fisher's reference and reliance on media and politics make its arguments concrete. I am gladly on-board with the pro-intellectual anti-academic agenda, and this framework serves as a sturdy structure for the left to rally around.
I would like to read Writings 1997-2003, the collection of CCRU writing published in 2017, next. I assume it will be much denser, more abstract, and more philosophical than Capitalist Realism, but I look forward to subjects being chopped up into shorter essays (I assume). I also want to read Agua Viva by Clarice Lispector, and particularly the copy being passed around by members of the band Jim Rat, which is riddled with margin notes. It's actually proven to be difficult to track it down, but I get it. People are constantly busy and it's a good thing. It's always better to do something than to do nothing.
Worked on mels/beats. No vocals.
Nick's little party went well. Got extremely faded off white claws and was quickly reminded why I don't drink them. I'm recounting this last part on 250106 because, unfortunately, I have not updated the site since midday on 250103.
Got a coffee. Trying to break the habit of spending money on coffee, but taking advantage of drinking a big iced coffee slowly instead of downing espresso quickly before work. Woke up before 8am which makes me feel better about the prospects of the day. It's bright out, but unfortunately extremely windy.
Read chapters 5 and 6 of Capitalist Realism by Mark Fisher. Thoughts:
It's 2pm, and today I have:
More updates on the way.
I have the whole day free but it still feels like time goes by too fast. It's a lot easier for me to get things done while it's light out.
on The Skin I Live In:
There are some interesting themes in this movie, but the acting and 'cinematography' (I guess) are both very distracting. I wish this movie was made ~10-15 years before
it actually was in 2011. So many parts also come across as torture porn. I find the sexual violence extremely gratuitous. I'm not the kind of person who thinks it should be completely omitted from every piece of art or that it can never have any purpose, but here it comes across as pornogrpahic. Not just pornographic but irrelevant. The plot, becoming much more interesting in the second half, makes this worth a watch. I was expecting the motifs of human experimentation, scientific ethics, and retribution to formulate themes, but I don't think they build enough momentum to argue anything. The suspense of the nonlinear plot made it enjoyable, but the movie was less substantive than I'd hoped.
For about two hours this afternoon I hung out with cg. We got wraps at Sufra in Fenway, which, I'm sorry to say, were ass. They didn't have shawarma chicken so we had to get chicken tender wraps. Self explanatory. Regardless, it was great to chop it up with them and talk about art. More music collabs in the near future.
Made 1 melody and started 1 beat with an Apollo melody.
Thoughts I've had while reading the first 4 chapters of Capitalist Realism by Mark Fisher:
In general, for all media, the “cream” rerely floats to the top (the top being the mainstream, or #1, and most consumed worldwide). The most appealing to the highest percentage of the masses floats to the top. That action sacrifices artistry for mass appeal. Consumability matters above all else.
The important thing about reusing things from the past is that you recontextualize them, not imitate them.
Fisher's pessimism: "What is currently called realistic [economically] was itself was impossible... Conversely, what was once eminently possible is now deemed unrealistic." Also, note reflexive impotence, the idea that people don't participate in praxis (students protesting, particularly) because they know it won't have any effect. Fisher notes that protests contemporary to his time don't have the fervor of the 60s. I'd like to know what he would have thought about pro-Palestine protests in 2023/2024, especially industrial disruption. Still, unfortunately, it seems as though protestors are only awarded crumbs, if that, feeding back into and reinforcing reflexive impotence.
I am a scientific technician, musician, skateboarder, and culture consumer, age 25 in Boston, Massachusetts. I was born in Winchester and spent the first three years of my life in Dracut, MA. My parents moved, and for the next ten years I grew up in Burlington, MA. As a downstream effect of the 2008 financial crisis and the recession, my parents were forced to sell our house and move to Campton, New Hampshire during the summer before my Freshman year of High school. After graduating from high school, I went to college in Boston, MA, where I have lived since 2018.